You really can't beat a beautiful Sunday that starts with sleeping late, moves onto Krispy Kremes mmmmmmmmmmm, then includes a movie, buying $157 worth of groceries at the coolest grocery store I know of (Central Market for those of you familiar with Austin), having steaks for dinner, watching the ending of Survivor, and a walk with my girl and dog! And still to come are a warm bath, some making out and then snuggling. Life is good.
The only downside was that Spider Man was a cheesy boring movie. I was trying to remember if the original SuperMan was that cheesy, maybe, but at least it had better villains. In Spider Man both the hero and villain were too bleh, not very much of a hero or very much of a villain. And Spider Man said "gee" too many times. Maybe it's because I've gone back and watched the intensity of Fight Club and Seven this weekend that Spider Man seemed so lame. Too many movies have been disappointing in the last couple of years. Harry Potter wasn't all it could be. I won't even mention Star Wars. And has there ever been a worse movie than A.I.?? That one just pissed me off. If Speilberg had been anywhere near when that stupid thing finally ended I would have hit him. And from the previews I'm not sure Minority Report won't be another great concept/story line he completely fucks up.
Amelie was a very nice exception. Sweet and funny. I tend to like foreign films simply because they ARE foreign, not american. I loved Open Your Eyes when I found it by accident on cable one day before Vanilla Sky was even heard of. I think it's cool Penelope Cruz played the same part in both versions. Has that been done before?
Sometimes I think that just like there's a perfect book I'm waiting to read, there's a perfect movie. If only I had a muse to fill in just a few details for me to write either of them!
Oh well... it's off to the bathtub!
A little history
(2002-05-20)
It's 10:45 a.m. Monday and I'm already pretty much done for the day at work. Just once I'd like to have a job where I got there in the morning, someone handed me X amount of work to do, and when it was done I could go home. Because most days, I'd be home by noon! Yessiree Bob, I am that fast and efficient. But, being so is born only out of laziness. I hate doing anything more than I have to, and I hate doing things twice. So I'm always going to find the fastest, easiest way to do something. If I'd been around before Ford, I would have invented the assembly line!
Anyway. Because I have all this time on my hands, and the boss is out of the office, I thought I'd tell the "meeting my girl" story.
Three years ago last March I was recovering from a devastated heart and was totally bored. The two years prior to that I'd met a lot of women online and those "flames" tended to burn out pretty fast. I was also getting a little tired of being alone all the time. I hadn't seriously dated anyone since I'd broken up with my first girlfriend about eight years earlier. I was also dying to get laid, all that phone and online sex was killing me.
One Wednesday night I met Nerdstar in a chat room and a couple of hours later talked her into calling me. It was funny. I suggested that she call and she's like "when?" and I'm like "NOW". So she did. We talked for a couple of hours and did a little phone hanky panky. She'll tell you she was hooked from that moment. She really liked my voice and could tell I smelled nice. (I'm still questioning how that was possible!) At the end of the phone conversation I said, "come on up and see me." She was living in Houston at the time. She said, "when?" I said, "well, what are you doing this friday?" I think she was too in shock to say no.
That first night was a precursor of so many things it's not even funny in retrospect! She calls at one point about two blocks from my apartment complex and says where she is. AN HOUR LATER I find her wandering around the parking lot in from of my building. I should have known then it will always take her an hour to do something that should take ten minutes. I'm still getting use to that.
To make us both a little less nervous we go out for dinner. We just went to Chili's, very safe. All thru dinner she speaks only in nonsquiters. This was clue number two of how things would be. She's not the best in the world at communication. What was working to her advantage that night is that I was looking for sex not conversation - hehehehehehe. So at this point I'm thinking, ok, she's nice enough, she came all this way, and she's cute... what the heck.
We go back to my apartment and are hanging out and she asks if I still want that massage. I'm like "sure". At that point she goes to this grocery bag she's brought, pulls out the wine, the candles, the massage oil, the works. I was impressed!!
Some background... she had told me she was new at this whole lesbian thing. She'd had a weekend fling with a guy while in the army, but other than that had never really dated anyone and had never had sex. And she's 27 at this point. How crazy is that?? So I had told her before she drove up to think about what she wanted to try sexually and we'd give it a shot.
The massage lead to a kiss and the kiss lead to a long night of sex. It was funny, we'd fall asleep and a little while later she'd be waking me up to do it again. It was all crazy and sweet! And for a beginner, let me tell you, she was a quick study in the fine art of lesbian sex!!
So we hung out all day Saturday, went out to eat and stuff. Then Sunday when it came time for her to head back to Houston she kept saying, "five more minutes" until it was about 8 p.m.
The next weekend she came to see me too. But then, she was about to have Army reserve drill for two weeks. On another wednesday, we're on the phone and I suggest we meet halfway between Austin and Houston for a night before she has to leave for drill. Unfortunatley, on my way there my car broke down. But, we both finally make it there. The next day she suggests that we get my car back to Austin, then I drive her to Houston and keep her car while she's gone. And at this point I've known this girl for two weeks. This was another hint of how things would be - she takes great care of me!!
I went to see her a couple of times while she was at drill. The advantages of being a lesbian sometimes cracks me up! It was no big deal for her to sneak me into her room in her barracks.
About a week after drill and she's back in Houston I talk her into moving in with me and finding a job in Austin. The timing was good for her because she had just finished a class she was taking and was looking for a job down there.
So, I always tell her she's a one night stand who still hasn't left. It's your typical lesbian uhaul story, but I'm hoping we beat the four or five year barrier other lesbian relationships I know of can't seem to make.
All about Nerdstar
(2002-05-21)
There are not always good things to be said about "corporate america," but, Barnes N FuckingConglomorama Noble (as I once heard it referred to) can sometimes bring nice surprises. Right when I walked in the door I saw a new book of writings by Douglas Adams and my world suddenly became a brighter place. In addition to that wonderful surprise, I decided to pick up several books by David Sedaris, only to be told that he was here, in Austin, less than two months ago. That's my life. And when it comes right down to it, I probably would sell my soul to be half the writer either of those two men are (or were I suppose in Mr. Adams' case).
Now, on to the topic of the day yep, that's right it's time to fill you in on Nerdstar aka My Girl. "Nerdstar" came out of the sad little fact that while she really longs to be a PornStar, she's really just a twelve year old boy trapped in a grown woman's body, and a nerd. So, she's my Nerdstar. She calls me her PornQueen, but to date there's no camera equipment or webcams to back that statement up and honestly, there never will be. As I have to keep reminding her, no one wants to see too chubby, everyday lesbians naked!! But still, one way or another the words porn or porno come into her conversations at least every other day. Which also indicates a very endearing quality about her she's a complete pervert. It must have been that very late start into the world of sex (see previous entry) that caused this. But she's a pervert of the shy, timid, "oh, could we, might we possibly, please try
."
The most telling thing I can say about her is that it's ALL ABOUT THE FOOD. A simple example. When she was away from me for a week recently, and we were on the phone and I ask if she missed me the answer was "yes" in a nice dull sort of voice. Immediately followed by "oohhhh they have canned clam chowder!!!" in a much less dull voice. (Yes, she's here, now, to give me the full direct quote.)
And then there's her feet, OMG are they big. Not only big, but manly. And no matter how many times she tells me they're handsome, my response will only be, no they're not, they're just huge get them away from me!
My parents adore her. Which crakes me up seeing how they're racist and homophobic most of the time, although not extremely so. And how they didn't really speak to me much the three years I dated my first girlfriend and were delighted as could be when it appeared that little "phase" of my life was over. I took Nerdstar home with me the first thanksgiving we were together, I figured what the hell. They knew she had moved in with me, and knew I only had a one bedroom apartment. But, we play don't ask/don't tell better and longer than the military ever could. They simply loved her. Not only that, but they let us sleep in the same bed in my brother's old bedroom. For a while, a long while, I wondered just how much my parents were admitting to themselves about our relationship. I knew that the decision to have kids would pretty much nail it down. One night when we were home for the holidays a year and a half ago, we were sitting at the dining table with my mom and sorta broached the subject turkey baster and all. I think the saving grace is that my nephew was already around and my mom had become the "granny monster". Granny monsters don't care how they get more grandchildren, as long as they get them. Now my parents are at that point where if for some reason we split up, my parents would be mad at me!
Did I mention she's all about the food?? She is. She tells me on a regular basis that she was a famine victim in her past life, and I believe it because it answers SO many questions. And there are things in my kitchen, refrigerator and freezer that I could never imagine being there such as fishballs, and canned eel, and other ikcy things. There are also messages on my answering machine in Chinese. Who would have guessed?? I'm mostly used to it. I can recognize Mandarin over Cantonese, Korean, Vietnamese and Japanese, but I don't understand a damn word of it.
I'll close with my favorite story of how naοve she can be. My cat Silly has really really soft fur. I always explain that she's soft like a rabbit is soft. One night we're lying in bed talking and Silly jumps up there with us. I say, "you know, she's so soft because she's part rabbit." Without skipping a beat she says "REALLY?" just like a little kid would, just like it's entirely possible to breed cats and rabbits. I laughed for days!!
It should be Friday
(2002-05-23)
It really should be Friday, it feels like Friday, I want it to be Friday, so why the hell isn't it Friday? Instead it's a sleepy little Thursday that must be suffered thru to get to Friday. Such is life.
Nothing much of consequence going on in my little world, as opposed to the world at large which still seems to be quite a mess.
Last night we were watching Six Feet Under on HBO and there was an amazing conversation between Brenda and Nate. It was my worst nightmare conversation right there on tv. The one where I'm told I'm absolutely crazy and fucked up and unfixable and unlovable. And it took me by surprise. I'd forgotten how often I use to have that conversation in my head late at night when I could't sleep. It was so nice to realize that conversation isn't in my head now. So when we got into bed I told Nerdstar she's my prozac. She takes the edges off and evens me out. The downside is that sometimes I wonder if I'm too numb. But, knowing that conversation is not in my head, makes it all good. I still get depressed, but it's not nearly as dark at those times as it used to be.
In other news, there's the debate on whether the video of Daniel Pearl's death should be shown. (For what I've read about this you can read asparagirl.com and National Review Online's The Corner from 5/22) I tend to agree with the side saying it should be shown, that we should face up to just how much our enemies hate us and that this battle is far far from over, and that we - the collective we - needs to wake our butts up! I can understand how cities like New York and DC probably are damn tired of being "awake" to the reality that now is. But from what I see around me every day, and on the news channels, everyone else is very much asleep and enjoying this time of "normal" way too much. For a New Yorkers view of these days you can read Partygirl.diaryland.com from 5/22 as well. Sorry I don't know how to do hyperlinks yet :)
Tuesday night over dinner Nerdstar and I were talking about future threats, what shape they'll take, and how ready the country is. What came out of that is how pissed I still am about all of it. And I'm pissed that the war is going slowly, that we're getting vague warnings all the time, and that more bad guys aren't dead!
I still contend that just one suicide bomber on American soil will change everything. The day that happens there will be lines to buy guns, because I don't see too many Americans taking that event lightly. And why in the world aren't the network and cable news programs doing a little reporting about suicide bombings and living with the daily threat of them by having Israli's on the programs at least every other day, helping us understand the risks, emotional toll, and any ideas on preventing such things? I think it was shortly after 9/11 one of the cable news programs did one or two such stories. There should be MANY more!
And I'm pissed about all of this waiting for something else to happen and not feeling like nearly enough prevention is being done. But I can't really define exactly what kind of prevention will work, other than living in a police state - and I sure as hell don't want that.
I am not here to make you feel "better"
(2002-05-24)
Most days the conversations in our breakroom at lunch are pretty mundane, sometimes they're hilarious, sometimes frustrating. It's almost always all women in there, since only about five out of the fifty employees here are men. It's a mostly diverse lunch crowd, although on a good day there are as many lesbians as straight women. There are women in their 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's. We are an almost even mix of Hispanic and white. All of us have college degrees and most a background in teaching.
Yesterday the topic of homeschooled kids came up. Having seen upclose the state of public education, and read lots of info on homeschooling, I can't wait to homeschool my kids when I have them! For zillions of reasons, but mostly because I think it will be tons of fun, and because there will be nothing more important than my kids.
One of the women pipped up about how great public schools are, naturally throwing in that she had been a teacher. I said, "well, I'm coming from a public education background as well, and that's one of the reasons for homeschooling." She says, "I was a great teacher." I'm like, "I know you were, and if they were all like you, maybe I'd consider it. Besides, it'll be fun to homeschool." Then I threw in my regular comments on non-structure, and finding out what my kids are interested in and helping them. So naturally she says, "What about math and science." Well, what about them?? When the time is right, and my kids have an interest in such things, I'll help them learn all they can.
Here's the kicker. As we were both kinda walking away I said, "well, we'll see if we don't all get blown to kingdom come in the next few years anyway." She says, "I always feel so much better after talking to you." I could only say, "That's NOT what I'm about." I wish I could have elaborated, but the moment was gone.
So, for the record. I am NOT here on this earth to make people feel better. I'd much much rather kick their little heads open and make them think and ponder and wonder and maybe sometimes to even get angry enough to DO something about things.
And it's so damn frustrating being misunderstood simply because people can't/don't want to hear what I'm really saying. I get mistaken for a pessimist all the time. I'm really not. I'm a realist most of the time, but deep down just a disillusioned optimist. It's because I can really SEE how things COULD be, that I'm so frustrated most of the time.
But I've also noticed this week that I laugh more than most people. That's mostly because I'm literally laughing out loud at the crazy conversations I'm having in my head.
More than anything, though, I am not false or two faced. I will never say one thing and do another. I will never treat you anyway other than how I really feel about you dictates. And around this office, I'm one of a kind.
Holiday Weekend Yiippeee
(2002-05-25)
I'm so glad it's a three day weekend!! This last work week lasted way longer than it should have! Now it's Saturday morning about 10:30, and I'm up and showered and have a load of laundry going, and Ani's Dilate on the stereo. Nerdstar is at work. (which completely sucks!) I'm not sure if I'm hungry yet, and if I am nothing sounds good. I've been bored with food for a couple of weeks now. Which isn't to say I'm eating less.
It's going to be a long three day weekend. About 6 tonight we're driving to Houston to see her grandparents. We're taking Ramen with us, that should be a riot. At least there's a backyard for him to run around like an idiot in. We'll see if he jumps in the pool or not. We have no idea if he likes to swim yet. Then sometime Sunday evening we're planning on driving over to Lake Charles for some blackjack and craps. No, we're not addicts! But, that means we won't get any sleep Sunday night and will drive back to Houston ass early, spend some more time with the grandparents, and then drive Houston to Austin with all the other traffic. I guess it's all worth it. Nerdstar will say it's definitely worth it!
All that to say I won't have access to a computer until late Monday or Tuesday at work. But don't fret, I'll be back!
Home Again
(2002-05-27)
Home safe and sound. It's always good to get away for a while, even a couple of days at a time, and it's always good to come back home. I'm not sure too much of either is a good thing.
It was a good weekend. Nerdstar was all happy to show off Ramen to her grandparents. They protested, but we know they really liked him. Sometimes we think they should have a pet, they keep insisting they don't want one. But sometimes when Ramen would walk over to her grandmother and stand there and wait to be petted, and she'd reach down and pet him, you could see the smile that reached all the way down to her spirit.
Sunday was ok... it involved more of her relatives than I generally prefer, but oh well. It's always weird for me being there, because although it's Houston, it might as well be China. Not only am I the only white person, there is no English spoken. Not even the television has anything in English, they've got some special cable thing that transmits channels from Taiwan thru California (I think). That means I can watch news from Taiwan, Iran, United Emerits, and other such places, and not find anything in English. The only exception to not speaking English is her cousins who are 12, 10, and 7. They are of the generation in her family that is American born and mostly refuse to speak Mandarin, even to their grandparents who don't speak anything else. They're the reason the television has nothing in English, so they can't sit and watch cartoons and the grandparent's house for hours on end instead of their own house which is four doors down. Fortunately they aren't around very often.
The only thing worse than not understanding a word that is said the whole time I'm there is that my eating habits are not very well suited to their tastes. I'm a meat and bread kinda girl, which means I don't eat vegetables (read that again if you have to). You try finding meat and bread in an authentic chinese restaurant. Well, ok, they do have some great breads, but everything else - yuck!! Chicken feet and cow's stomach soup are NOT two things I think should be on any dining table! Call me crazy.
Anyway. The trip to the casino was nice. We didn't do too bad for the short amount of time we were there. She started with $30 and walked out with $160. I walked in with $100 and walked out with $240. And the great thing about casinos is that not only do they sometimes hand you free money (tax free too!) you can also get free dinners out of them. We both could have walked out with almost a hundred more each, but knowing when to stop isn't always our strong point. We always dream of winning at least enough to pay that month's rent. It happens sometimes.
Now, the drive back to Houston last night was entertaining. I'm not sure it's ever advisable to listen to Art Bell's show, even with a guest host, while driving between midnight and 2 a.m. But it is entertaining. I learned all about video-taping ghosts... cool, but even better, I was introduced to this strange idea of Planet X. If you haven't heard of it... try Google and see what you can find. It's right up there with every plot from the X Files (hmm... X files, Planet X... coincidence??) HA HA HA
Today was a day of sleeping till noon and hanging out and driving back to Austin.
I read the book by Douglas Adams this weekend, it's such a damn shame he's gone. His being a "radical athiest" sparked a nice line of thought about God and such. Guess I'll write about that next time. It's time for this girl to go to bed!
Blah
(2002-05-28)
The best thing that can be said about today is that although it feels like Monday - it's NOT!
Due to incredibly inefficient wuss ass management in my office, I am working in a co-worker's office who will be out for this week and next. See, thankfully, as I've stated before, I'm not working at the front desk anymore answering the phones. They've given that desk to the new people. Which in any normal office workplace would mean that I had a NEW office to reside in. No. Well, I have a new office, but it's still being used by it's current resident, who is waiting for the new upstairs office space to be revamped. So, I get to keep play musical offices (which started about two months ago) until that magical day, that has yet to be determined, happens when I get my own office. I mean, they keep hiring people they have no space for and can't even tell us a definite date construction will START, much less finish. All because the middle management fuck heads who have ultimate say in this don't actually work in this building, nope, they're up in Iowa City. That should tell you a lot. All this office changing wouldn't be so bad except that all of these offices I get to hang out in are NOT suited for me. The desks and chairs are at weird angles, there's no place to do things in any logical or convenient way.
Oh well.
Now that I'm done with that rant...
Back to the Douglas Adams book and his being a "radical athiest." He seems in his writing to be pretty sure that you're not too bright if you believe there is a God, and he mostly seems to think that the proof of evolution and such things completely support his statements. And it just struck me the other day that evolution and God don't have to be mutually exclusive. I know both sides like to claim they are, but so what? The whole thing with God seems to me that it does come down to faith, and that seems pretty deliberate on his part. Douglas and other intellectuals and scientists seem to me to say that they're really really close to being able to actually explain life, the universe and everything. And I certainly hope they are, that would be way cool. The current idea I've read is that it's all pretty simple now that we've got computers to make chaos simple, it should be no time before we have "The Answers" and the right questions, too, I suppose. But does the explaining of life, the universe, and everything have to mean there is no more room for faith and God? I don't think that has to be the case.
A few years ago I finally got curious as to why we always see the same side of the moon. (Blame it on my public education that I didn't know already.) It amazed me to find out that the moon rotates just enough every day for the same side to always face the earth. And that even though the universe is expanding, the moon is simply slowing down at the exact rate necessary for things to remain the same. The fact that there's a scientific explanation, and that we can understand what is happening, makes it no less amazing to me and makes me believe there has to be a God that is that into details.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense anywhere other than in my head.
I'm a sleepyhead today
(2002-05-29)
All I've wanted since about 9 a.m. is to crawl back into my comfy little bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep. To make that picture even nicer, my snuggle bunny would be with me. And for that proverbial cherry on top - dinner (whatever that might be today) would be ready and waiting whenever we woke up.
Instead, I'm here in boring work land with just enough things to do so that I don't actually fall asleep at the desk.
Last night we watched the HBO documentary on 9/11. I cried thru the whole thing, I mean, like from the opening credits and all. And the whole thing still pisses me off to no end.
Death is the greatest mystery there is. It was nice when I believed in God and Heaven and all that, not that I have completely lost that faith. But the fact is, other than religious views, we have NO idea what's next after we die. For some reason I've been trying to wrap my brain around that idea, and I'm not sure it's working. The concept of infinity use to make my brain hurt to think about in the same way death is lately. One thing I do know, I am in no way ready for someone close to me to die. I've been extremely fortunate in that the only person close to me who's died so far is my grandmother. She died from lung cancer, so I was sad (and still get sad sometimes), but not taken by surprise. I just don't know how or if I could handle an unexpected death at this point in life. I know, no one's ever really ready. But I guess the state of the world lately has these things on my mind more than usual.
Oh a lighter note - thank God the Kings beat the Lakers last night!!!
(2002-05-30)
Our poor puppy dog has been scratching and licking himself more than usual the past couple of days. This morning we decided it must be allergies, because he doesn't have fleas. So Nerdstar took the day off to clean house, take Ramen to the vet, and cook me dinner :-) This after me moaning and bitching that she doesn't bring me cash or chocolates anymore. You know, along the lines of you don't bring me flowers anymore, but much, much more practical.
The vet confirmed the allergy diagnosis. They said we could just give him benedril. Does that mean he can't operate heavy machinery anymore? Cuz we were sure hoping he could.
Other than that just another day at work. This morning EVERY one but me (and the other lowly receptionists) was in a meeting. So I got to spend three hours surfing the net and reading other diaries. Can't beat that. Then, because, you know, it's not my office anyway, I had to share with another woman who was using my computer causing me to not be able to surf at all this afternoon. Tragic. I did get to spend the better part of the afternoon doing that most important of office jobs - looking busy. I find it helps to get up and walk from one destination within the office looking like you have a purpose. Carrying pieces of paper makes it even more convincing. Then you can just sit back down at your computer and surf away.
Bleh
(2002-05-31)
It's finally Friday and you'd think I'd be in a better mood; maybe AFTER work. I'm not liking the way I look today. Picture whiney the pooh in jeans, a t-shirt, and black doc martens (although they're not docs, they're air treads, which are cooler cuz they have a black sole). So I'd say I feel like I look like a dyke today, but a chunky one. Mostly it's the little wallet in the back pocket that seals the dyke look. I'm one of those people who hates that I've gotten fatter, but doesn't really do much about it. Oh well. No one wants to listen to some woman bitching about her looks.
I've realized even more lately just how much I live inside my head. I'm one of those people who when I pass someone in the hall at work, and they say something to me, that by the time I register that they said something, and exactly what it was, and search around my brain for a reply, it's WAY too late, they're halfway down the hall by then.
And it's not all bad that I live in my head, most of the time I amuse the hell out of myself. I swear, I laugh out loud at stupid stuff in my head way more than anybody should! So far the only time I talk out loud to myself is in the car - that's mostly, but not always, yelling at other cars, or just generally letting them know how stupid they are.
On that note, riding a motorcycle (which I did today GRIN) really is different than being in a car. I can't tell you the number of times cars will pull right out in front of me, and half the time they STOP. I just want to follow them to where they're going and beat the hell out of them. Well, except, you know, they're all bigger than me! But on a motorcycle I tend to take it personally that they're trying to kill me! And on a motorcycle, I pay much closer attention to tail lights on the cars in front of me!
What else.
I think it's hysterical that any time Ramen even THINKS we're talking to him, he comes right over to be petted. Because what else could we possibly be saying to him other than "oh yes, sweet wonderful dog, come here and let me pet you until your heart's content"???
I'm so ready for a nice quiet weekend around town!
Way Cool!
(2002-05-31)
Ok, so obviously I'm working on changing how this looks!! Sometime today or tomorrow I'll fix the link to the profile and figure out how to get a link to the guestbook ext. But I'm so excited I've gotten this far.
There's a previous entry for today and thankfully that button works!
Impressed
(2002-06-01)
Indulge me here and let me just say how impressed I am with myself for this new design. Thanks to the young lady who designed the template (click on the design link up top) and to my friend Drumrgrrrl for saying how easy this would be! It only took me about an hour and half to change all the colors and fix all the links. Now, that may be a lot longer than some web savy person would take, but for a complete novice I don't think that's too bad!
Ok... enough. Thank God for weekends. Nerdstar is out working out with a personal trainer, then it's off to lunch, and who knows from there. That's one of the best parts of being a grown up - doing what you want, when you want. It's a freedom I think we take for granted once we have it.
I don't have much to say today, maybe later.
Sunny Sunday
(2002-06-02)
We're resting our poor little butts after going out motorcycle riding for about two and a half hours. The weather is great, sunshine with just enough little white clouds to keep the sky interesting.
Yesterday we hung out with a friend of Nerdstar, a Korean chick who's applying to work in the FBI. We can't quite picture that, but oh well. We met up for lunch at an Austin establishment, it was nice. There's a big Harley Rally going on this weekend, tons of beautiful bikes to watch. We went to a funky little toy store down the street and bought some sparklers and a couple of little bouncing balls. It's very relaxing to just stand there and bounce a little ball. I think I'm going to try to keep it in my pocket for when I'm standing in line and stuff. It makes people smile! Then we went to the IMAX to see the movie about the space station. WOW. That stuff is amazing. If at all possible, check it out. It's always good to see Earth without boundaries. And I didn't realize there are always so many clouds over so much of the planet. Cool. How does sound work in zero gravity? Does that not affect sound waves?
Then we went and hung out at Book People. We found a Spongebob comic/game book - and it has a poster of Spongebob and Patrick. We got two so we could both put the poster up at work GRIN. There was a guy on the third floor doing Tarot readings. Her friend wanted to do one, so we all did. I've never done one before. We all feel it was neat, but too vague. Somethings seemed right, and some didn't. But it was fun.
Nerdstar and I decided to be gay for the night and went to the lesbian dance. In an hour and a half of being there we just sorta sat and watched and never talked to anyone. We never really find we fit in at events like that. I mean, it was nice to see that there are so many lesbians in Austin, but.... I dunno.
Tonight is grocery shopping and basketball. I will be so pissed if the lakers win.
Just an old married couple
(2002-06-04)
Yep, we're just an old married couple. Last night was just further proof. We both get off work at 4 which is great. So I came home, got things ready to cook dinner and then read and listened to some Bach Brandeburg (?) concertos (Douglas Adams raved about this music, so I had to give it a try) until Nerdstar got home. We had a nice little dinner of speghetti and garlic toast. By 5:45 we were reading and petting the dog. I'm trying to not have the tv on this summer unless there's something in particular to watch, so it was off. By 6:30 I'm about to fall asleep on the sofa so I'm like, ok, let's just go to bed. And we DID. We slept from 6:30 to 8:30 and then got up to walk the dog. By 10:30 we're back in bed. It's not like we had some crazy all out weekend that left us exhausted!
Here's the clencher though that we've got an old married couple relationship. I was just thinking the other day about how it's nice to be in a relationship and know that sex is there for the asking anytime. I think that's part of what contributes to it not happening as frequently as before the living together stage. So last night after a little snuggling I think, hmmmm... some kisses sure would be nice! And after a few kisses she says to me "Do you think there are reverse vasectomies for dogs?" WHAT?? Now, the great thing is I know EXACTLY where this question came from. She loves our dog Ramen and gets sad at the idea that he can't have puppies for us to see and play with. And that's one of the great things about her, she loves our pets a LOT. BUT, to be thinking of the DOG while kissing ME UGH!!! Sigh. What more can I say??
Ani dvd
(2002-06-04)
This is number two for today if you care to hit previous...
Now, yes, after much impatience, my Ani dvd finally arrived at lunchtime today allowing me to fully anticipate watching it a few hours later.
Unfortunately, my girl does not hold my appreciation of Ani. It would have been sweet if she would have snuggled up to my side and drooled right along. Alas, that didn't happen.
Freeflowing commentary to follow:
How is it she can make me wet singing a song I don't particularly like?
The tattoo on her chest is still the coolest tattoo I've ever seen.
Her voice is so full - of life, of love, of passion.
My absolute admiration of her comes simply from the fact that I know of NO ONE more authentic. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would disagree with that assessment, but I've never seen evidence to the contrary. She shaped her way, her life; she is aware of the consequences and deals with them; she did not sell out. I can never stand to hear "artists" whine about fame and fortune and the hassles of the "system" when they are whores to that system.
And maybe I keep listening because I keep searching for the authentic ME, my place in this world and how to uncompromisingly fill it.
I want to be as at home in my body as she is in hers. Maybe if I had HER body, I would be. Maybe if I watched this dvd every day getting ready for my day it would inspire me to reshape my body. Because God knows I have yet to find whatever inspiration it's going to take for such a task.
"There comes a time when the operation of the machine is so odeous that you can not even passively participate.
you've got to put your bodies on the gears and wheels and all mechanisms
and you've got to indicate to those who own it and those who run it
that unless you are free the machine will be prevented from working at all."
This quote is the first thing you hear on the dvd.
I wish that time had come for me, for us all. Because instead of getting unentrenched from the system, I seem to find myself more in it. That damn paycheck addiction. You'll never see Oprah, or BrokawJenningsRather, or even SpringerSternRaphael do a show on THAT addiction. Because it keeps the machine well oiled.
Alliteration is my friend
(2002-06-05)
Yesterday a coworker of mine said, "I guess time will tell." Without missing a beat, I replied, "Oh, I don't know, I tend to find time rather tight lipped." all this rather witty retort got me was a blank stare. (yep, alliteration is my friend) These are the kinds of people I deal with every day. Which is probably a big part of why I amuse myself so much better than anyone else does.
I'm curious. Is sucking up an attribute you're born with or does it have to be learned? Either way it's a fine art I completely lack and don't really want to learn. But like other art forms, there are some real masters of it around here.
Oh well. I've only got another hour left to suffer thru.
My stock tip to you
(2002-06-06)
I own stock in a few different companies. Even though it's a tiny amount of stocks in the big scheme of THE STOCK MARKET, it makes me feel very smart and grown up. I own Krispy Kreme - because they make me happy!! Harley Davidson - because they're Harley Davidson by God. Walgreens, because they're on every damn street corner so they have to be making money. Cheesecake Factory - because they're so very yummy. I own both XM Radio and Serius - because satellite radio is ultra cool and has to make money eventually, so why not hedge my bet and own both companies with the technology. The Q's because Suze Orman thinks we all should. KMart - because they were on sale for $1 each, and it cracked me up to think of buying stocks "on sale." IMAX - because my girl was smart enough to recommend them. And Pixar because I like Steve Jobs, love Toy Story and Apple's stock, no matter how brilliant Macs are, will never soar.
My goal next year is to attend several shareholder meetings. It would crack me up. I think it would be fun.
I would feel very spy like and subversive.
I think it's a wise and diverse portfolio, and I love checking on it every day, several times a day, even the past two weeks when they've all been RED - which is very bad. I keep telling myself I need to put more money into these holdings while they're cheap. Unfortunately, I think they're going to be cheap for a while longer. And I've found that no amount of watching CNBC morning or night will ever get me to understand how "the market" makes decisions. I know the ins and outs of what they say stock prices are based on, but it's apparently nothing logical or apparent. There's lots of talk of reforming it and all that. The best simple idea I've read of advice for stock owners is to actually sell stock they have in poorly and badly and evily ran companies, and then to go the step further and actually let the CEO know why they're selling the stocks. It's a boycott with a punch! From what I can tell the people at my companies are good guys - selling things like motorcycles, donuts, cheesecake, animated movies and radio - how could they not be??
Instead of buying more stocks right now, because I think I have a while before they go up at all, I'm gambling instead. GRIN I think it's terribly smart of me to take $100 to the casino, turn that into $200 - $500 (or on a good day and night $1000) and take the winnings and buy more stocks. I'm getting long term investments FREE from a few hours of FUN! You should all try it!! Craps and blackjack though, not slot machines. Find blackjack dealers with luck worse than yours, and craps tables with people clapping and cheering, you can't lose! Vegas and Wall Street will thank you profusely later. That's my tip to you.
A Must Read
(2002-06-07)
I've been reading Peggy Noonan's columns every Friday since 9/11. As always she just seems to get where things are at these days in this crazy world we live in. She echoes a lot of the sentiments and questions I raise with Nerdstar over dinner or watching tv (much to her annoyance sometimes). But I for, really really would like to see some of these questions of "what are we suppose to be doing and why isn't our government and news organizations informing us?"
So click here: HYPERLINK "http://opinionjournal.com/columnists/pnoonan/" Peggy Noonan It's not necessarily a happy read for a Friday, but it's a necessary one. (2002-06-09) I don't think I have much to say this afternoon, but we'll see. Nerdstar had to work yesterday and then her and Ramen went to Houston to see her grandparents. I was really looking forward to some solitude and such. Before Nerdstar moved in with me just over three years ago, I had lived alone for about eight years. I did my time of independent woman and always knew I preferred NOT being alone. It just took me that long to find someone who would stay. Nerdstar and I have a running joke that we'll never break up because I'm waiting for her to get sick of me and leave and she's waiting for me to throw her out. So while it's so nice to have someone to share everything with, it's nice to have solitude every so often as well.
Yesterday I watched Bound on dvd. DVDs are amazing things! I had no idea Suzie Bright had been an extra in the movie AND the "sex scene consultant." How crazy is that? Last night I think I just channel surfed. This morning I went to see "Trembling Before G-d" a movie about gay and lesbian orthodox jews. It's crazy how much fundamentalists in all religions are pretty much the same. I think I've mentioned before that Andrew Sullivan writes about being gay and maintaining faith (for him Catholic) amazingly well. I just keep trying to imagine a faith that is neither fundamentalist - in this instance meaning they don't say being gay is completely against God and the universe etc., nor one that is so into moral relativism and being non-judgmental as to render everything sappy and irrelevant.
Anyway, it hurts my brain to even begin to think about it.
I went to a women's bookstore after the movie and lunch. I was sad I didn't get to ride my motorcycle today because when I left the apt. earlier it was raining.
That's about it for today. I'm going to watch basketball and wait for my girl to get back home.
Another Monday
(2002-06-10)
I have never, and probably never will, felt any fondness for Mondays. The only good Monday is when it's the end of a three day weekend! Since that's not the case and I'm bored out of my skull at work today, I'm not very fond of this particular Monday.
Nerdstar got home late last night and I was already in bed. When she finally came into the bedroom and I could see her silhouette, I was "wow, you got a haircut!" It's short and very cute! If she could look butch, she would, but she doesn't. I'd say she looks too innocent to look butch, but I'm sure some butch somewhere would take offense. GRIN.
Her cat, Little Man, has this funny habit of gathering up things like cotton balls, q-tips, twist ties, rubber bands and putting them in his food bowl. We're sure if he ever had balls enough to go past the front door he'd be hunting us up all kinds of things. So I guess it's a good thing he's a scaredy cat. Sunday when I got up and wandered into the kitchen I noticed that while Ramen was out of town, Little Man had dropped one of his rubber bands into Ramen's food bowl. That cracked me up! I assume he's sharing! We'll just be happy when Little Man and Silly stop growling at Ramen and start playing with him.
Two movie previews I saw yesterday at Austin's remaining independent film house you should keep an eye out for: Alter Boys - Jody Foster is Nun, Vincent DeOnfreo (so?) is a priest, and Todd McFarlane does the comic book animation interspersed with the live action. It looked way cool!!
Good Girl is an indie flick with Jennifer Aniston, it looks good even though I'm not a big fan of hers. She wasn't too bad in Office Space. She's a small town middle of nowhere wife who falls for some younger guy.
I guess that's about it for a Monday.
A throw-away day
(2002-08-11)
It's Tuesday (yep, that's right, the day after Monday) and boy are things moving right along. Uh, that would be a big NO. So, today was a throw-away day, one that just won't go down in any history books for this kid. (hhmmm... does writing in here negate that last sentence??)
We were awakened at about 6:15 this morning by Nerdstar's mom calling from Taiwan. I guess it's a good thing it was one of her family members and not one of mine, because if mine ever called that early it would only be because someone was dead.
This being awake at 6:15 was a real drag since I was really leaning toward calling in sick today. Of course, I lean toward calling in sick every day.
So, I got up and gave myself enough time to not only drop off the rented dvds, but to also get breakfast tacos. Of course, the taco place was closed for renovation - how dare they!! I had to settle for a cinnamon roll and milk instead.
Work was work, although I don't really have much to do, so I'm doing four hours worth of work over about four days. (that's not as exaggerated as it should be)
Since coming home I've surfed, red, gambled online with play money, surfed, we had Chinese for dinner, surfed. I think at some point we're going to walk the dog.
I guess throw-away days are a good and necessary part of life, I just wish they didn't happen so often. But I'm working on it.
Just think how long this would be if I actually had anything to say GRIN.
The Gas Pipe
(2002-08-12)
For the record, I know my spelling sucks in this diary. I know I should be typing all this up in Word that has a perfectly usable spell check and then copying and pasting it in here. But no, that just doesn't feel the same. So, your stuck with my lousy spelling.
There.
It's just been that kind of day. "How to Make Enemies and Piss People Off" is the title of the book I wanted to write today. Not that I know exactly what the content would be, it just sounded like a good title today.
One fun thing today, I was taking a smoke break (which I'll explain in a minute) and sitting outside. I closed my eyes and in the bright sun I could see the blood all bright and then dark red in my eyelids. It was kinda like getting lost in an endless clear blue sky. I'm amazed eyes can see that.
Ok, the smoke break. I don't smoke - normally. But yesterday on the way back from lunch I decided to stop at the local Gas Pipe and get a pack of Dejarum Clove cigarettes, I like the way the tips make my lips taste. I might smoke fifteen cigarettes a year. Smoking always reminds me why I don't like to smoke - because smoke smells like smoke. And besides, because I don't smoke very often, if I try to inhale I choke and cough and NEVER look cool. But oh well, I was in the mood.
While I was in the Gas Pipe I thought, as I usually think when I go there, wow, wouldn't it be fantastic if I could just actually buy a couple of joints here?? Oh well.
I'm off to watch basketball, because it's probably the last game. Which means we have to suffer thru another year of the Lakers thinking they're better than they are - which sucks!!
A Good Day
(2002-08-13)
Yes, it was a pretty good day. Last night as we were going to bed I told Nerdstar that I really wished my period would start over night so that I could call in sick today and it would set up decent timing for the trying to get pregnant process. Sure enough, it actually started. The only down side was I had to go to the ob/gyn for a quick exam so they could up my perscription.
Other than that it was great to not be at work. I had ice cream for lunch. I actually found the perfect father's day card. And, I got some pink fingernail polish. For some strange reason I've been wanting to paint my toenails... or more accurately, I've been wanting Nerdstar to paint my toenails. And who knows, maybe this weekend I'll even paint my fingernails. That hasn't happened in several years.
We went to see Sum of All Fears at this cool theater here. They serve drinks and dinner while you watch the movie. It was an ok movie, but not great. I'm not sure why it's so popular. For me there were just too many things that after 9/11 we all know aren't realistic. Like all the people wandering around without masks on after the bomb went off. I'm still reading the book, it's kinda dense so it's taking a while, but it's a good read.
I've been in such a good mood today. Feeling a little more optimistic than my usual self. I'm trying to hang on to this mood because the drugs I have to start taking Saturday are like PMS X 100. Absolute hell. I've been dreading taking them. Oh well, Nerdstar promised me lots of chocolate to get thru the next two weeks. At least the drugs will have either worked or not and will be out of my system in time for my week off.
Grace
(2002-08-15)
Apparently it's a slow news day all around. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. No bombs went off today, no natural disasters, you know, that sort of thing. Actually, I'm sure there are bombs going off somewhere today, they just haven't made it to my radar.
Nerdstar is at work again today, it's just me and the pets lounging around. That calm, mellow, peaceful feeling is still lingering, and I'm wallowing in it, it's nice.
For the past two or three weeks, as I've gone to bed at night, some nights I've tried to relax and hear what all is going on in my brain. It's been good. I don't know how to explain that.
Last night I drifted back to the topic of Jesus saying the only commandment is to love as he loved us. I'm still trying to imagine what that looks like in reality - person to person. And I realized I don't have that kind of love in me. Back in college and just after, at the height of my believer days, I thought I had that kind of love. I might have been closer then, but I didn't have it. Right before I put my faith on hold I had a friend I loved unconditionally. It was an amazing feeling. It ran very deep. Things changed, we moved on and lost touch. But I think that experience of love is something I need to learn from and grow upon.
When I set aside being a Christian, I set aside some aspects of just being accepting of and graceous towards people. Maybe I'm regaining grace.
I can almost sense and feel what it would be like to carry around that sort of unconditional love on a larger scale. The only person I thought of who would even come close is Mother Teresa.
I think a lot about all the christian friends I had who would say they love unconditionally - but I am a perfect example of the lie that is. They must have a different definition of unconditional.
Well, we'll see how long this current state lasts and where it leads.
What I love most about writing in here is that I never know what's going to come out. I sit down to type thinking, well, I'm feeling pretty darn boring and then all these ideas and words keep appearing on the screen. I like it.
Semantics are fun
(2002-08-17)
Today wasn't too bad. I always like how that basically negative sentence is usually interpreted as a positive one. It's not like I'm saying today was actually good, I'm just saying it wasn't TOO bad. Which very well might mean is sucked to high hell, but, you know, could have been worse.
Really though, it was good for a Monday. I started taking the pregnancy drugs Saturday morning and I could certainly tell last night - I was sorta hyped up and having hot flashes and weird dreams when I could sleep. The only real difference between this and a "normal" night would have to be the intensity. The good thing is the drugs haven't seemed to have hit my mood yet, so I'm still rather calm and mild.
I'm trying to not constantly think about the getting pregnant stuff. It's like if I'm too optimistic I'll jinx it, but if I sorta ignore what's going on and not dwell on it, then it can sneak up on me and pleasantly surprise me. Yes, it's that scary in my brain.
But when I think about how I want to spend my days it's usually got nothing to do with a career, but it's all about having fun with my kids. Which sounds an awful lot like just being a mom, but I'd like to think I'll be a sort of Mary Poppins kind of mom. And I certainly don't have any interest in being a housewife - although I do want to be a kept woman. Aren't semantics fun??
So yeah, I'm hoping like hell this try at pregnancy works.
Waiting
(2002-06-19)
My life seems to be all about waiting for a while now. And that's hard when I think I'm suppose to be doing something to make things happen. But jobs and babies are not something you can just make happen. Hmmm... ok, maybe SOME people can just make babies GRIN, but so far I'm not one of them. I passed a pregnant teenager the other day at the mall and now that I'm fully aware of all the little details that have to be just right to actually get and stay pregnant - I realized those teenagers are not only furtile as hell, they must be having a LOT of sex!
And yes, I know there are people out there who can just make jobs happen to. I wish I had a couple of them in my life who could just say "here, this is exactly what you need to do". But it's not even a job for me I'm waiting on, it's a job for Nerdstar - and she's even more tired of waiting than I am.
What makes it even harder is that I have so much time at work to sit and think. Even when I have things to keep me busy they only require about 20% of my brain. Trust me, the other 80% can tear thru thoughts at a damn rapid pace.
Sometimes the thinking is good though. And maybe the waiting can be good. As impatient as I still am, I'm a lot more patient now than I was a few years ago.
Big Scary Picture
(2002-06-20)
I still think about September 11 a lot. Maybe because the women I'm reading online are connected to New York City (or maybe I read them because of that connection) and I've been fascinated and moved by going back and reading their lives since right before that day and what's happened since. It's crazy, since I have no personal connection to NYC. We visited there for a few days in October almost four years ago, and I admire the city greatly, but unless I've got big bucks in the bank I couldn't live there. I am not a commuter. I love my car, I love parking a few yards from the door I want to walk into. I'm not sure I could have "made it" in NYC, even when I was younger. But I have a new love and appreciation for the city and it's people.
Two of the four women are also Jewish, which seems to be another theme for me the past couple of weeks. And like NYC, I find myself deeply moved by the events going on not only in Israel, but also concerning Jews in Europe as well. Like HYPERLINK "http://asparagirl.com/blog" Asparagirl , I'm not optimistic about the future in the middle east, and by connection, our future here. Somehow all of this is tied into my faith and the subtle changes (mostly softening I think) in me. There's a really big picture that so far no one can see. The picture that ties the events of Sept. 11 and the events in the middle east, India and Pakistan. Ties in the loss of faith in corporate america, the scandle in the Catholic church. All of it. There are some major scary changes going on in the big picture. And the only thing I might want more than to be able to see the big picture clearly is a baby. The faith comes in because part of me still believes that God has that big picture, and he says "ask of me and I will tell you great and hidden things."
I've been wondering what this coming Sept. 11 will feel like. I've been tempted to take that day off. It's hard to explain why. I don't want it to become another national holiday where we all are just happy to be off work.
Contented Sigh
(2002-06-21)
Contented sigh inserted here. It's Friday afternoon and I'm counting down the minutes and reading way too many blogs at work. There are so many good writers out there and it's so fun to read and to think. It's a fanastic type of voyeurism! So if you're ever reading this and you've got some time on your hands - click the links - I promise it's worth the time.
I'm playing this terrible game called "this time next week..." Because, actually, this time next week I'll be just over an hour away from being on vacation. And with any luck at all I'll be getting pregnant because next Thursday the little ovulation monitor will show a pretty picture of a little egg indicating that yes, I did ovulate, so that Friday we can go to the doctor's office and inject some little sperms.
Then there's always that one in a billion chance that the lottery pool we did at work today will actually win and I'll be looking at houses in the northwest. Uh huh, sure.
I'm not sure which game is actually more fun - "this time next ..." or "this time last..." I play them both way too much!
Oh well. Tonight is Taiwanese food and dvd's and snuggling!
Volunteering
(2002-08-23)
It's been a good weekend. Unfortunately, Nerdstar had drill. But I got to sleep late and relax.
Yesterday I went to a volunteer orientation for Out Youth . The two staff members doing the orientation were really good. I was surprised that out of about 13 people wanting to volunteer only one was a gay man. I think only one of the women was older than me. I never think of myself as being a 34 year old grown woman, I don't feel or look my age. Several of the young women are grad students. There was one older woman there who frankly was kind of a freak. Maybe that's too harsh a word. But she was certainly inappropriate. There's always someone like that in a group of people. I would think that if you're wanting to volunteer to mentor and be a role model for teenagers, you wouldn't necessarily want to bring up your own suicide attempts while pretty much sounding like they're still a possibility. I guess that's the whole point of screening people who want to volunteer huh?
Anyway. Within the next two weeks there will be an individual interview and then I hope to be all set to volunteer. They have "drop in" time where kids come by and hang out. They also have support groups and counseling and such. I think it'll be cool to hang out with the kids, see where they're at, listen to them. I also think it'll be good for me to get out, get me out of being stuck in my own head too much.
I was kinda afraid the organization would be too political and such, you know, me being such a conservative and all. I don't really see that as a problem. Which is nice.
Sometimes I think I'm the only gay person who doesn't feel more relaxed and "at home" in a room full of gay people than a room full of straight people. But really, I just don't feel comfortable in groups of people.
That being uncomfortable is a direct result of the job I've had for the past two years. When I first started this job I was excited to be working with a lot of nice women. It just didn't turn out that way. This has been my first experience at how you just can't always trust women. And I hate that.
But another reason for feeling sort of out of place in a room full of gays is that being a lesbian isn't my major self indentifying factor. Yes, I'm a lebian, yes I have a girlfriend. I'm also a whole lot of other things. And a whole lot of things I was ten years ago I'm not now. I guess I've gone thru too many major shifts in views to like being labeled.
Anyway. Other than that I watched UT win the college world series, that was cool. Last night we had a nice dinner and then just sorta hung out. Today I watched Mulholland Drive on dvd. I was terribly disappointed there wasn't commentary with it. Then we had dinner and went to see Ya Ya. It was a good movie, but for some reason it didn't move me to tears like it has so many other women. Maybe I'm at peace with the demons between Mom and I.
Now it's about 11:15 and that's way past my bedtime. So before I yawn again I'll close this out.
Might get a life soon
(2002-06-25)
It's one of those days at work where four out of five managers and several workers are out of the office and the phones aren't ringing much. That is to say, yes, it's slow and boring and a web surfing kinda work day. Tomorrow will pretty much be a repeat.
This is the funniest thing I've read online today: HYPERLINK "http://www.angelfire.com/apes/omws/index2.html" Naked Gay Buffy Find the one titled "Once More, All Naked All Gay"
An added bonus is that I got to take a long lunch and go eat with my girl! Today after work is my first session with a personal trainer. It's not something I'm really excited about doing, but it's necessary. Even more than the issue of losing weight, it's that my muscles are always a wreck, all tight and achy. So what I mostly want is to get them all streched out and relaxed so that I can go on longer walks and maybe then get in better shape. I'm definitely too young to feel this bad.
Can't say there's much going on.
Oh, I did sign up to take this class where a bunch of women get together and make a short film. The instructor is still not sure if it starts tomorrow night or sometime in August or September. I think it'll be really interesting to see how the whole process works - from writing to shooting and editing. The final short film will be shown somewhere in town when we're done. How cool is that?
So while there's not much really exciting going on right now, it looks like I might be getting a life here pretty soon.
After Life?
(2002-06-26)
I think I've mentioned that to me there is no greater mystery than what happens after this life, and I suppose, the associated mystery of what are we doing before this life. And I got to wondering just how big an influence a person's beliefs about this mystery actually has on their every day life. Tied into this is the question of human nature and what can "overcome" it.
I know, this is at the heart of pretty much every religion. So, do the people who hold those faiths have a different daily experience? Does a Christian's belief in heaven make their nature any different than an athiests?
I'm not sure I see that it does.
Sure, the people currently strapping bombs to themselves and killing people supposedly are motivated by their belief of the rewards this will get them. I think it's not their faith so much as their hate motivating them.
There are also cults every so often where people will commit mass suicide because of their beliefs. But again, is it really what's awaiting them that's their motivation or is it simply fear or peer pressure or something else?
What about monks and priests and nuns and the like? Yes, I think they some of them are people who's beliefs actually affect their human nature and every day life - at least I certainly hope so. So what is it in them that allows for this?
Then there are the people who have near death experiences, or die for a short time and are revived; people who battle cancer; people who survive tragedy and disaster - are they able to sustain real, long term change in their lives?
Or is this life and our human nature just too much to overcome? Do the exceptions prove the rule?
Am I making any sense?
I mean, if our faith and brushes with death can't sustain our becoming our "better angels" what possibly can?
One day, when I've got the means, I'd love nothing more than to set up a company to really research these things. To do the interviews and long term studies it would take to see what produces long term rising above "human nature".
Exactly!
(2002-06-27)
I stole this from Samizdata. I'm not sure there's much that frustrates me more than paying taxes and seeing how stupidly that money is wasted. These guys have expressed it much better than I ever could.Buzzflash have produced a great long list of why people are not paying too much tax to the state. Not surprisingly whilst I agree with many of the points they raise, it is because I think their list actually proves quite the opposite.
- Don't drive on paved streets or highways.
Highways, like all property, should be private property... and so I would rather pay tolls that taxes.
- Don't call 911.
My neighbourhood is so dissatisfied with the Police Service we are hiring a local security to patrol the area, funded by subscription. Better yet, acquire a gun.
- Don't flush your toilet.
Why not? Water utilities are private, not state operations in many parts of the world. The state is not the only way.
- Don't bring your garbage to the curb.
I don't have to, the private garbage collectors we use come to our back door and collect it.
- Don't fly in an airplane that uses air-traffic controllers.
Privatise, privatise, privatise!
- Don't use the court system.
Correct... use arbitrators and law merchants if the state lets you.
- Don't call the police when you get robbed.
Quite so, carry a gun and shoot the fucker dead yourself.
- Don't use the US Post Office. Send all your letters via FedEx or UPS.
Yes, that is a splendid idea.
- Don't ask for a farm subsidy for not growing crops.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't ask for a taxpayer subsidy to do business in a city or state.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't buy a sports franchise and ask the taxpayers to build your stadium.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't send your children to public schools.
Quite so... the state has no business 'educating' children in the first place and certainly not at my expense.
- Don't attend a state university.
Quite so... see above, though given that the state may have stolen your money to fund the place anyway regardless of your wishes, don't feel too bad if you do.
- Don't expect a social security payment.
Quite so, start building up a private pension!
- Don't let Medicare pay your bills if you are over 65 or disabled.
Quite so... buy insurance and set money aside for eventualities and old age... and if you don't, don't expect me to fund your irresponsible behaviour or bad luck.
- Don't look for a government contract to bolster your defense industry business.
Hmmm... as a minarchist I see this as one of the few legitimate roles of the state, but certainly quite a lot of defense roles could be taken up by Protection Agencies and Private Military Organisations like Sandline. The reality is the weapons have to come from somewhere.
- Don't look for a government.
Okay, if you insist.
- Don't look for a lucrative government consultant contract.
Okay.
- Don't run for political office where your salary is paid for by the taxpayers.
Damn straight!
- Don't accept government research findings that subsidize research for your industry.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be an airlines and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a car company and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a steel company and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a company that pollutes and expect the taxpayer to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't climb to the top of the Washington Monument, which is maintained at taxpayer expense.
Yes, it should be private property.
- Don't make use of police services.
You are repeating yourself guys... see earlier about dialling '911'
- Don't be rescued by fire department paramedic team.
In many places these guys are private organisations and not an arm of the state. The Royal National Lifeboat Institution (RNLI) for example shows how a national emergency service can be run independently of both the states control and its funding.
- Don't call the fire department.
See previous.
- Don't expect federal assistance if a natural disaster destroys your home or business.
Quite so... buy insurance for Christ's sake and if you insist on living on a flood plain, consider moving somewhere more sensible!
- Don't expect the military to defend your country.
Again, it is one of the very few areas for the state to actually have a function... but Protection Agencies and Private Military Organisations can do much of the work.
- Don't visit national parks or hike in national forests.
Privatise them.
- Don't eat USDA inspected meat, cheese, eggs or produce.
Better yet, abolish the USDA.
- Don't take any medications tested and approved by the FDA.
Better yet, abolish the FDA.
- Don't drink, bath or otherwise use the water from municipal water systems.
Privatise it, if it is not already so, which in many places is indeed the case.
- Don't look at or relay a weather report.
There are just as likely to be privately provided services.
- Don't look at a NASA generated picture.
Better still, abolish NASA.
- Don't expect a unit of measure like a gallon of gas to be a full gallon.
Why not? There are many non-state centred ways to achieve that.
- Don't expect an elevator to work correctly or not fall.
Ludicrous. I expect the owner of the elevator to not want to get sued and that can be achieved without idiotic 'health and safety' regulations.
- Don't expect a red light to work.
See above.
- Don't be the Minority Senate Leader Named Trent Lott and expect American taxpayers to subsidize the building of private industry cruiseliner ships in your home state.
Better yet abolish the Senate...or failing that, abolish Trent Lott.
- Don't accept government money to help develop a product which you then personally patent or copyright and sell for your own profit.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare and reject all stolen 'government' money.
- Don't use the services of a doctor who is licensed through the state.
Better yet, abolish state regulation and leave it to private competitive rating agencies and insurance companies.
- Don't expect research into medical problems such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, aging, prostrate, menopause, etc.
You must be joking! The main driver for that R&D is the profit motive!
- Don't use the public library.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't go to a state university affiliated hospital.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't go to a state university.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't watch state college sports.
I don't.
- Don't apply for government grants.
Yes, abolish all grants, which are just redistributed stolen property.
- Don't use your state's Convention Centers.
Yes, burn them down and build something useful rather than have places for mass political rallies.
- Don't go to a state, city or municipal-run airport.
Yes, privatise them.
- Don't ask for rural electrification.
I didn't!
- Don't ask for FEC regulations that protect us from crooked financial planners.
I didn't!
- Don't ask to keep the airwaves free so your right-wing psycho radio talk show host can lie to you.
Huh?
- Don't ask for a business loan from the small business administration.
Yes, abolish the SBA.
- Don't ask to use the G.I. bill to go to college.
Quite so.
- Don't allow Al Gore to sponsor legislation to turn a military computer network (DARPANet/ARPANet) into the public-accessed 'Internet'.
Er... it was rather more complex than that.
- Don't drive a car that benefits from government safety regulations.
'Benefit' my arse. I am not given the option unfortunately or I would indeed rip out much of the mandated crap in cars these days.
- Don't use electricity generated by TVA or some government-owned and maintained dam or facility.
Quite so, privatise them and return the stolen land they are built on.
- Don't use currency printed by the US Treasury.
Quite so, lets return to non-nationa