I think I've mentioned that to me there is no greater mystery than what happens after this life, and I suppose, the associated mystery of what are we doing before this life. And I got to wondering just how big an influence a person's beliefs about this mystery actually has on their every day life. Tied into this is the question of human nature and what can "overcome" it.
I know, this is at the heart of pretty much every religion. So, do the people who hold those faiths have a different daily experience? Does a Christian's belief in heaven make their nature any different than an athiests?
I'm not sure I see that it does.
Sure, the people currently strapping bombs to themselves and killing people supposedly are motivated by their belief of the rewards this will get them. I think it's not their faith so much as their hate motivating them.
There are also cults every so often where people will commit mass suicide because of their beliefs. But again, is it really what's awaiting them that's their motivation or is it simply fear or peer pressure or something else?
What about monks and priests and nuns and the like? Yes, I think they some of them are people who's beliefs actually affect their human nature and every day life - at least I certainly hope so. So what is it in them that allows for this?
Then there are the people who have near death experiences, or die for a short time and are revived; people who battle cancer; people who survive tragedy and disaster - are they able to sustain real, long term change in their lives?
Or is this life and our human nature just too much to overcome? Do the exceptions prove the rule?
I mean, if our faith and brushes with death can't sustain our becoming our "better angels" what possibly can?
One day, when I've got the means, I'd love nothing more than to set up a company to really research these things. To do the interviews and long term studies it would take to see what produces long term rising above "human nature".
Exactly!
(2002-06-27)
I stole this from Samizdata. I'm not sure there's much that frustrates me more than paying taxes and seeing how stupidly that money is wasted. These guys have expressed it much better than I ever could.Buzzflash have produced a great long list of why people are not paying too much tax to the state. Not surprisingly whilst I agree with many of the points they raise, it is because I think their list actually proves quite the opposite.
- Don't drive on paved streets or highways.
Highways, like all property, should be private property... and so I would rather pay tolls that taxes.
- Don't call 911.
My neighbourhood is so dissatisfied with the Police Service we are hiring a local security to patrol the area, funded by subscription. Better yet, acquire a gun.
- Don't flush your toilet.
Why not? Water utilities are private, not state operations in many parts of the world. The state is not the only way.
- Don't bring your garbage to the curb.
I don't have to, the private garbage collectors we use come to our back door and collect it.
- Don't fly in an airplane that uses air-traffic controllers.
Privatise, privatise, privatise!
- Don't use the court system.
Correct... use arbitrators and law merchants if the state lets you.
- Don't call the police when you get robbed.
Quite so, carry a gun and shoot the fucker dead yourself.
- Don't use the US Post Office. Send all your letters via FedEx or UPS.
Yes, that is a splendid idea.
- Don't ask for a farm subsidy for not growing crops.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't ask for a taxpayer subsidy to do business in a city or state.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't buy a sports franchise and ask the taxpayers to build your stadium.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't send your children to public schools.
Quite so... the state has no business 'educating' children in the first place and certainly not at my expense.
- Don't attend a state university.
Quite so... see above, though given that the state may have stolen your money to fund the place anyway regardless of your wishes, don't feel too bad if you do.
- Don't expect a social security payment.
Quite so, start building up a private pension!
- Don't let Medicare pay your bills if you are over 65 or disabled.
Quite so... buy insurance and set money aside for eventualities and old age... and if you don't, don't expect me to fund your irresponsible behaviour or bad luck.
- Don't look for a government contract to bolster your defense industry business.
Hmmm... as a minarchist I see this as one of the few legitimate roles of the state, but certainly quite a lot of defense roles could be taken up by Protection Agencies and Private Military Organisations like Sandline. The reality is the weapons have to come from somewhere.
- Don't look for a government.
Okay, if you insist.
- Don't look for a lucrative government consultant contract.
Okay.
- Don't run for political office where your salary is paid for by the taxpayers.
Damn straight!
- Don't accept government research findings that subsidize research for your industry.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be an airlines and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a car company and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a steel company and expect the government to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't be a company that pollutes and expect the taxpayer to bail you out.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare.
- Don't climb to the top of the Washington Monument, which is maintained at taxpayer expense.
Yes, it should be private property.
- Don't make use of police services.
You are repeating yourself guys... see earlier about dialling '911'
- Don't be rescued by fire department paramedic team.
In many places these guys are private organisations and not an arm of the state. The Royal National Lifeboat Institution (RNLI) for example shows how a national emergency service can be run independently of both the states control and its funding.
- Don't call the fire department.
See previous.
- Don't expect federal assistance if a natural disaster destroys your home or business.
Quite so... buy insurance for Christ's sake and if you insist on living on a flood plain, consider moving somewhere more sensible!
- Don't expect the military to defend your country.
Again, it is one of the very few areas for the state to actually have a function... but Protection Agencies and Private Military Organisations can do much of the work.
- Don't visit national parks or hike in national forests.
Privatise them.
- Don't eat USDA inspected meat, cheese, eggs or produce.
Better yet, abolish the USDA.
- Don't take any medications tested and approved by the FDA.
Better yet, abolish the FDA.
- Don't drink, bath or otherwise use the water from municipal water systems.
Privatise it, if it is not already so, which in many places is indeed the case.
- Don't look at or relay a weather report.
There are just as likely to be privately provided services.
- Don't look at a NASA generated picture.
Better still, abolish NASA.
- Don't expect a unit of measure like a gallon of gas to be a full gallon.
Why not? There are many non-state centred ways to achieve that.
- Don't expect an elevator to work correctly or not fall.
Ludicrous. I expect the owner of the elevator to not want to get sued and that can be achieved without idiotic 'health and safety' regulations.
- Don't expect a red light to work.
See above.
- Don't be the Minority Senate Leader Named Trent Lott and expect American taxpayers to subsidize the building of private industry cruiseliner ships in your home state.
Better yet abolish the Senate...or failing that, abolish Trent Lott.
- Don't accept government money to help develop a product which you then personally patent or copyright and sell for your own profit.
Quite so... just say no to corporate welfare and reject all stolen 'government' money.
- Don't use the services of a doctor who is licensed through the state.
Better yet, abolish state regulation and leave it to private competitive rating agencies and insurance companies.
- Don't expect research into medical problems such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes, aging, prostrate, menopause, etc.
You must be joking! The main driver for that R&D is the profit motive!
- Don't use the public library.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't go to a state university affiliated hospital.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't go to a state university.
Yes, abolish them.
- Don't watch state college sports.
I don't.
- Don't apply for government grants.
Yes, abolish all grants, which are just redistributed stolen property.
- Don't use your state's Convention Centers.
Yes, burn them down and build something useful rather than have places for mass political rallies.
- Don't go to a state, city or municipal-run airport.
Yes, privatise them.
- Don't ask for rural electrification.
I didn't!
- Don't ask for FEC regulations that protect us from crooked financial planners.
I didn't!
- Don't ask to keep the airwaves free so your right-wing psycho radio talk show host can lie to you.
Huh?
- Don't ask for a business loan from the small business administration.
Yes, abolish the SBA.
- Don't ask to use the G.I. bill to go to college.
Quite so.
- Don't allow Al Gore to sponsor legislation to turn a military computer network (DARPANet/ARPANet) into the public-accessed 'Internet'.
Er... it was rather more complex than that.
- Don't drive a car that benefits from government safety regulations.
'Benefit' my arse. I am not given the option unfortunately or I would indeed rip out much of the mandated crap in cars these days.
- Don't use electricity generated by TVA or some government-owned and maintained dam or facility.
Quite so, privatise them and return the stolen land they are built on.
- Don't use currency printed by the US Treasury.
Quite so, lets return to non-national private currencies.
- Don't use a bank or credit union that insures your deposits through the FDIC.
Yes, abolish the FDIC and end all the moral hazard it leads to.
- Don't buy or build a house that requires the efforts of county deed offices or needs building permits and inspections.
Abolish the immoral permits that make a nonsense of the whole notion of several property.
- Don't get married, have children or die and expect the government to keep track of all the certificates.
I do not want the state to know anything about my families private affairs!
- Don't expect the government to keep an eye on cemeteries, crematories and funeral homes so you won't get dug up and thrown in a swamp. And ask George Bush why he lied about his involvement with a company that did just that.
I don't expect the state to do much of anything really!
- Don't run for an elected office, because the local, state and federal election commissions could be involved.
I agree. The whole democratic system is little more than proxy mugging.
- Don't go to a beach kept clean by the state.
They usually don't.
- Don't use public transportation.
I agree... privatise it.
- Don't visit public museums.
Privatise them.
- Don't go hunting, fishing, or camping on government property.
There should not even be 'government property'.
- Don't cross a bridge.
Private toll bridges are splendid things!
- Don't use truckstops or public restrooms.
Why not? Most are privately owned!
And finally . . .
- Don't complain to us about how much you pay in taxes because we think taxes can be a good thing and WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR WHINING ANYMORE!
As you can see, I reject the entire premise these 'self evident' remarks are based on. Government can take its 'essential state services' and... well, use your imagination. There are other ways to do things. As the brilliant French pamphleteer Frédéric Bastiat said:
Socialism, like the ancient ideas from which it springs, confuses the distinction between government and society. As a result of this, every time we object to a thing being done by government, the socialists conclude that we object to its being done at all
50 Things About Me
(2002-06-28)
1. I think too much.
2. I don't eat vegetables.
3. The only broken bone I've had was when I had a bicycle crash in the summer before eighth (?) grade and broke my arm. My mom use to get onto me about breaking things, so I was afraid to tell her I had broken my arm. When it swelled up to twice it's size, she took me to the doctor.
4. The only time I had stitches was when I was about six or seven and my next door neighbor was chasing me (I ended up dating him in high school), I tripped over a bicycle and got a cut above my right eye.
5. When I was in 3rd grade I got braces and thought it was cool, except that it hurt like hell every month when they adjusted them.
6. Consequently, I hate going to the dentist.
7. I played trombone thru middle school and high school.
8. If I had it to do over again, I'd still be playing trombone.
9. Until last year, the only car I owned and/or drove was the 1969 camaro my parents bought for me from my grandmother.
10. I love riding my motorcycle.
11. I have one brother.
12. I never had a nickname growing up.
13. I'd like to think that if you mixed "I Am Not A Pretty Girl" "Asking Too Much" and "Joyful Girl" you might would end up with me. But that's probably not the case.
14. I had my eyebrow pierced when I was 27 on Thanksgiving night - alone and sober.
15. The week after I turned 30 I got a tattoo that says "Joyful Girl" just below the center of my neck. I wish I could see it without having to look in the mirror.
16. I hate slow drivers.
17. I don't have much patience with stupid people.
18. I can't stand girls who are or who play helpless.
19. I'd love to change the world.
20. I think chocolate is good medicine - laughter is good medicine and chocolate can make me laugh.
21. I believe deja vu comes from dreams.
22. I shower every morning.
23. I write with my right hand and do everything else with my left hand.
24. I read at least 40 books a year.
25. I love the internet and all the information it contains.
26. I am a capitalist pig.
27. My mother named me Beth from the book "Little Women."
28. I love Calvin and Hobbes.
29. The only comic books I own are The Tick.
30. Although I'm only 5'1", I've never seen myself as short.
31. I love watching movies that make me think.
32. I have never and will never watch "Titanic."
33. I think Wynton Marsalis is a genius.
34. I like the color blue.
35. I wonder what it is about blue, green, and brown that those are the colors God decided to make the majority of what we see (sky, grass/trees, earth).
36. I'm very glad He made things like flowers to spice things up colorwise, and I think He let it all hang loose when he colored the fish.
37. I am an overly loyal friend.
38. I am a nightowl.
39. I don't like lots of sunshine.
40. I've lived in Texas my whole life and hope that changes soon.
41. I love making and watching fires.
42. I went to Baylor University and did not have a typical college experience.
43. I am certified to be a public school teacher and have never taught.
44. Growing up my favorite teachers were always my English teachers.
45. If I was given a million dollars today I'd buy an RV, we'd drive around for a year, pick somewhere to live, and buy a house.
46. I love playing Black Jack and Craps in casinos.
47. I drink alcohol maybe twice a year, smoke cigarettes (usually cloves) about twice a year.
48. I think it would be cool to grow and smoke my own weed.
49. I'm sure if I wrote this on a different day, it would be a very different list.
50. I was going to write 100 things and decided that was too damn long.
A Rainy Sunday
(2002-08-30)
Today is day two of really nice, steady rain for hours on end. I'm in heaven!! I think it's pretty unusual to get this kind of rain in late June here in Austin. Probably even more unusual that we haven't hit the 100 degree mark yet this summer. How wonderful!!
My girl had to work yesterday, hopefully that's the last Saturday for a while. Last night we went to the Viva Las Vegas benefit for Aids Services of Austin. I mean, if you're going to donate to charity, it might as well be fun. It was a neat event. They had a silent auction, food from some of the fancier restaurants in town, a wedding chapel - complete with Elvis impersonator, and blackjack, craps, and roulette tables set up. Very nice.
Today she went to Houston to see her grandparents. I was kinda pissed because we haven't had much time on the weekends lately. Ugh. It's just kinda complicated for me when it comes to her and her family. It's not like they like me. And it's not like they're always as good to her as she is to them. Things like that. But, they're old, and she loves them a hell of a lot, and I try to be understanding.
So today I went to see "The Dangerous Lives of Alterboys." It was good. The young actors really nailed the awkwardness of youth. Jody Foster was fanstic. The animation scenes rocked. The storyline was a little more intense than I had anticipated, but it was good.
One thing about Austin, it has a couple of really cool movie theaters. There's the Dobie, which is on the first floor of this thirty story dorm on the University of Texas campus. It has about six smaller theaters and they all have a theme. The two I end up almost all the time are Egyptian and Gothic. The Gothic one has all these gargoils everywhere. It's kinda creepy until you get used to it. The other theater is Alamo Draft House, it's the one that serves food and drinks while you watch the movie. They have a downtown location and one up on the north side of town. The Dobie shows only independent films and hosts festivals like the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival.
After the movie I went and bought "White Oleander." I hadn't really been interested in reading it until we saw the movie trailer for it the other day.
So now I'm off to the sofa to read and nap until my girl gets home.
Flawed
(2002-09-01)
Day four of the rain. It's still nice. Temperatures in the 70's in the middle of the day on July 2 is stunning - and happily received.
I can't say I'm making very good use of my vacation yet. I've been sleeping, reading books, and watching movies. Funny, that's exactly what I intended to do, but this black noise in my head somehow makes it all seem less.
See, I'm one of the flawed people - too often dark and morose. Some dark mood hits out of nowhere, or grows like a weed out of a trivial incident.
I understand perfectly why people take lots of drugs or become alcoholics. I'm not entirely sure why I don't do much of either. Maybe this dark mood is my drug. Or maybe the books and movies are my drug of choice.
My poor Nerdstar hasn't the first clue how to handle these moods. And I can never decide if that's a good or a bad thing. She just leaves me to myself.
I've been notified by email that today marks the official end of a friendship that techically ended years ago, but a friendship I had hoped would never end. Part of me thinks this is for the best. Most of me is just damn sad.
July 3
(2002-09-02)
Today was very low key. I didn't get to sleep until almost 5 this morning, then turned around and got up about 11 this morning. I went and had some Krispy Kremes, because everybody should. Went back to Barnes and Noble, but nothing really captured my interest.
Nerdstar and I went to a nice little restaurant, East Side Cafe, for dinner. Then we headed over to a cool coffee house, Spider House, for a nice get together of one of the lesbian email lists here in Austin. The weather was great, and the company was nice.
Sometimes it's hard being the only conservatives in such groups, but I try to find common ground, like motorcycles.
Tomorrow we go to see my folks and my little nephew. We can't wait to see him. He started walking about two weeks after we last saw him, so it's gonne be strange seeing him walk around.
Then we're going to Shreveport for a couple of days of gambling and eating. I'm feeling kinda lucky for a change.
I'll update this when we get back Sunday.
Back Home
(2002-07-07)
Wow, it seems like we were gone a LOT longer than we were - which is good when you're on vacation. It was nice to see the folks, even better to see my nephew! He loves to just walk around now that he can walk. My mom keeps him all the time because my brother and his wife work long, odd hours. She says my nephew follows her around the house. He's so cute!
Our trip to the casino wasn't as profitable as I had daydreamed. But, after much hard work we didn't lose as much as we could have! We're still figuring out the in and outs of playing craps - dice are very fickle!! It almost made me cry to watch the man next to me go from about $1000 to over $7000. That's my daydream - to do the same sometime! But it's fun and dinner is free.
It's always nice to be back home safe and sound!
Sleepyhead
(2002-07-09)
I was completely tired yesterday and was hoping to not be so today. Oh well. I didn't sleep very well last night because my mind was racing. I don't even know where it was racing to, I was too tired to pay attention.
Let's see, I could talk about our dog Ramen and how cute he is and how tired he seemed after spending four days at the kennel. He also looked a little puzzled, like he thought we'd been home the whole time and wasn't sure why he was at the kennel. I mean, he doesn't actually know we were out of town. It was like he was wondering why we were having fun without him.
Isn't it fun to project things onto pets?? I'm always making up dialoge for ours, fortunately, Nerdstar usually thinks it's funny.
I could also talk about how much I dislike my job - but that's pretty boring. I was reading a website of this man who's a professional craps player. He makes between $500K and a million a year playing craps about 20-30 hours a week. I want that life!
I'm always trying to figure out exactly what it is I want to be doing with my days. At 34 you'd think I'd have a clearer view by now. But traveling and gambling are right at the top of my list.
It would also be great to be able to walk up to a craps table and completely out play the men. Usually the only women at a craps table are wives and bimbos looking over their men's shoulders. It's always annoying when men are trying to give me playing advice just because I'm a woman.
When I walked up to one table last weekend, I actually had a man tell me I couldn't play next to him. I just stood there for a minute mulling over what he'd just said to me and he looks down at me (he was at least a foot taller than me) and said "I wasn't kidding." I said, "I didn't think you were, I'm just contemplating what an asshole you are." There were several men at that table with considerable money in front of them. This man assumed we had no idea how to play. I may not be making bank yet, but I can hold my own. What really pissed me off is that the employees running that table let him get away with it.
Normally Nerdstar doesn't want me to make a fuss or cause a scene, so I didn't. But, it pissed her off even more than it did me. She finally complained to the pitt boss and then we just went to another casino.
I'm determined that if I ever have a lot of money you won't be able to tell that by looking at me. I don't want people sucking up and being nice because of money.
Why this diary?
(2002-07-11)
Another day of a lot of slacking at work. It's almost 11 and I've done what I have to do today, the rest is an on-going project that I should be working on more, but don't feel like it. Sometimes I think about feeling bad that I'm surfing the net (and this fabulous DykeWrite ring) so much of the time, but I dislike being here too much to really care. I got passed over for a promotion back in March. I've also not had an office since then; they're adding new space upstairs and I've been floating around until those are finished - hopefully next week. And it appears I'm the only person around here who's having to wait almost six months for the promotion I did get (a different one) to go into effect. It's the little things. Add to all that the fact that I've been here almost two years, and that's the longest I've had a job since college, so I'm bored.
Anyway - all that to say thank God for this ring or I'd be bored out of my skull at work every day! You women are fantastic!
So, how did I end up doing this silly diary anyway? I've been a big fan of Andrew Sullivan and his website for a while now. One day he linked to Asparagirl's blog which is fun. She linked to writergirl on diaryland - who is now Jessica - and I found the world of diaryland and some great writers. I thought, hey, wouldn't that be fun?? It'll get me back to writing AND keeping a journal.
It's amazing how one link just leads to another and another and another. Sometimes I click thru so many I forget where I started and who or what I've read where.
I know a lot of us doing blogs/journals deal with self censorship - to do it or not. I have to admit there are things I leave out. I think more than censoring things, I just don't give this link out to just anyone, certainly not co-workers. I'm very open with the people I work with in conversations and all, but I don't see this as any of their business, they're not my friends. My family isn't online at all, so I don't have to worry about them, although I wonder sometimes if they were online if I'd let them read along. Hard to say.
I try to not write about things until they actually happen - which is new for me. I spend so much time thinking about what COULD happen that I could write endlessly about things that never materialize.
Of Sleep and Dreams
(2002-07-12)
I found the following here: http://morland.theoretic.org/ Morland "There is no drug better, or more addictive than sleep. It's the closest we ever get to a womb homecoming, and as a bonus, you often hallucinate. Plus, even if you're a hardcore addict like Rip Van Winkle, you can't really OD. Despite these good qualities, extended withdrawal is deadly, so I guess in some respects it's worse than heroin."Pretty much sums it up! And oh do I love to sleep. Unfortunately, I like to do it a lot more in the mornings when I'm suppose to get up and go to work than at night when I should be sleeping.
Lately, I even love dreaming. For me it's a lot like going to the movies - lots of plot and action. No sex though, except maybe a chaste kiss here or there. I do find my dreams often reflect what my brain is mulling over. But then, this morning part of my dream was that I had a hole in the skin of my chin that kept getting bigger and you could shine a light in it and see thru to my inner throat? That's when I wake up and think "where the hell did my brain come up with THAT??"
In other news, I've got an appointment with a man who does eastern medicine - accupuncture, herbs, etc. I've had enough of the fertility drug I was taking and am going to give a new approach a try. Nerdstar and I have both received accupuncture for various things and found it helpful. She's also done some herbal remedies that worked. This fertility treatment will probably be a combination of both. Today this Chinese man who's at least 60 is going to take my pulse and from that prescribe a concoction of herbs that will be custom mixed in California. Strange but cool.
The younger man who runs the shop says they have about an 80% success rate with women who have very similar problems to mine. It's certainly worth a try.
UPDATE (4:30 pm) I just got home from the Chinese medicine place. Dr. Wu took my pulse on both arms for about ten minutes each and then looked at my tongue. There was a younger guy translating and asking me questions. So, I'm brewing up some tea from herbs and barks and such (he promised it wouldn't be bitter!), in addition, I'm suppose to take Vitamin E, eat minimal sweets, get sweaty every day (driving home without an air conditioner in the car in texas will help that) and, if possible take a thirty minute nap around noon (I'm trying to decide if I should tell my boss that one - I would if we had somewhere at work I could nap!!).
Cross your fingers with me that this approach works!
Michael Ventura
(2002-07-14)
Michael Ventura is one of those writers I don't have to agree with on everything to enjoy reading and appreciate his talent. He writes a bi-weekly column that's carried in our local alternative paper. He also co-authored a book "100 Years of Psychotherapy and We're Still Crazy" (I think that's the whole title) that is a rare look at modern therapy. Not that lesbians would have any interest in that. GRIN
This article: Four Meditations on Three Undefinable Words: I Love You is one of the best and most thought provoking I've read in a while. While probably being a minimalist writer, I love words. I'm very big on saying exactly what you mean and meaning what you say - which while sometimes used a cliche, is a rarely followed idea. That's one thing I hate about watching the news and listening to politicians - there's always something hidden and implied - not outright stated. Anyway, the article is about language and sex and the phrase "I Love You." Please read it and let me know what you think. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more of my thoughts on what he says. My favorite sentence I won't permanenly quote on this site is: "We hurt each other enough simply by having honestly different needs."
Would you know me if you saw me?
(2002-07-15)
I love this comic strip! It's smart and funny and irreverent!! This one from 7/15 "http://www.ucomics.com/boondocks/" Boondocks could be a direct quote between Nerdstar and I - I'm sure you have no doubt who is who. Ok so, we went to the cool grocery store in town, Central Market, this evening. If you're ever in Austin and want to get a feel for the city, go to Central Market and just watch the people for less than an hour and you'll get a good picture of the people here. So, while watching the people I got to wondering what the two lesbians making their way thru the store (it's pretty much a one way maze you snake your way thru) would be like online (you thought I was gonna say something else). What would they say in chat rooms? What would their webpages be like? Would they be a part of dykewrite? How would one describe the other, their relationship. Things like that. How does the reality of them I perceive in the store compare to the reality of them I would perceive online? Make sense? I mean, if you'd read along with this diary since I started it and saw me in a store would you make the connection? Or vice versa.
That's the thought for the day.
We're off to walk the dog in this amazingly NOT HOT summer weather and then to bed... mmmm.... snuggles.
Pain
(2002-07-18)
This hasn't been a good week for me medically speaking. I've got an ear infection from hell!! It's putting pressure on my jaw so that it hurts like a bitch to chew anything. I'm trying to eat a banana and thank god they're mushy and don't really have to be chewed. I went to the doctor yesterday and got some ear drops, they've helped a little, but not enough. I've missed two days of work when I only had two hours left of sick time. UGH. Oh well.
On top of the ear ache, today I had to go get blood taken. Fortunately I have one very cooperative vein and don't mind needles.
So my neglect of this little diary isn't from having too much fun, it's from having too much pain.
Hopefully I'll be back in full swing soon.
Ok I'll end on a happy note! Ani will have another double live cd out Sept. 10!! Woohooo!! AND, she'll be in New Orleans in October (I think) and that's not too far to go see her! Yummy!!
A Lazy Sunday
(2002-07-21)
Ahhh, finally a nice lazy Sunday. It's been a while since I've had nowhere to be on a Sunday. Poor Nerdstar has Army reserve drill. Yesterday was Family Day with her unit where everyone brings their family members and there are games and lunch. Her friend Chong and I went out there for the lunch part and hung out for a while. It was pretty hot, but fortunately it was shaded and there was a breeze!
Military people fascinate me. Although I joke now that I missed my calling as a drill instructor, I've always known the military wasn't for me. If nothing else I'm not a morning person. But I'm also not good at doing something "because I said to." I knew I never wanted to be yelled at or to take orders, and also that I didn't one to be the one doing the yelling.
I was watching the military guys hanging out and thinking about how there's always the chance they will have to go fight in a war and get hurt or killed. And they accept that risk. So even though they're not really guys I'd like to hang out with or anything, I have to really admire and respect their choices.
Then in the evening we went to a neat little Italian restaurant and then to Waterloo Records. We came home and watched The Royal Tenenbaums. It was good. I like that it was about a family of weirdos who treated each other as normal, that you took these characters as they were because the were placed in a context that allowed you to do so. And I think that's generally what family is about. Because all families are strange or messed up in different ways, but within that family it all seems perfectly ok.
I doubt I'm expressing any of that very well.
So, I'm off to do laundry and be a couch potato for a while.
Harboring Thoughts
(2002-07-22)
As Nerdstar was snoring away five minutes after her head hit the pillow, I was lying there with my mind going full steam ahead, as usual. I got to thinking about the phrase "harboring dark secret thoughts" and how odd it seemed. I wonder where it originated. It's a vivid image though. Harbors are places of safety, if not home, where boats of all sizes come for any length of time. So what an odd way to refer to dark secrets, yet entirely appropriate. We let those thoughts float in and we give them a nice safe place to hang out or eventually to even call home.
I don't really have any secrets from Nerdstar. Even the darkest of things I've at least let her get a glimpse of.
Another thing I've been thinking of for a while is how much being in a committed relationship with someone shapes your life - and your "self" as well, and how that shape would be entirely different with a different person.
I recently spoke with someone I'd parted ways with about four years ago. I'm not sure I can even imagine the person I would have become if we'd stayed friends, but I know my life would have a completely different shape and feel to it. And I see the shape of my life with Nerdstar, it's a nice solid round shape (kinda like our bodies GRIN).
I guess to tie those two ideas together I'll go here: for many years I've been not so secretly fascinated with the BDSM lifestyle - the real, honest lived one and not the stuff of online chat rooms and such. The idea of me being a strong, smart, independent woman and giving complete control over to someone else - even if for just a few hours or a day or so, captivates my imagination. Maybe it's the path not taken thing.
And that's a shape that my relationship with Nerdstar will never take. She's the sweetest, calmest, least dominant person I've probably ever met.
How Many Great Loves?
(2002-07-23)
I'm almost too sleepy today to try to answer this, but here goes, since it won't be a very insightful answer anyway.
There are so many kinds of loves we have, and I guess I'm trying to really define "Great Love". Is it your soulmate? A love that changes your life? Your lifelong companion? (Does anybody actually have those anymore?)
I do think how you define it determines how many you have. I think it's possible to have more than one soul mate, more than one love that changes your life.
Maybe "Great Love" rolls it all into one, and then I'd say you'd be damn lucky to even get one - a soulmate who transforms your life and that you can live with for the rest of your life - wow.
And, do you know a Great Love when you're in it, or are they mostly seen in hindsight?
This all probably just shows I haven't had one! SIGH
WTC design refurendum
(2002-07-24)
Why is it that the last fifteen minutes of sleep in the mornings before work don't last nearly as long as the last fifteen minutes of the work day??
Here's my thoughts on how to decide what to build at the WTC site:
Take the top six or so choices and put them on a refurendum on the November election ballots. This will not only increase voter turnout, but will also give everyone a chance to have input into something that is important to this country. Then, to make New Yorkers opinions count more (I think they should) just give their votes equal weight with the other 49 states.
Not much in the way of other news today. I'm just waiting for lunchtime. Nerdstar has today off because she's working Saturday, so she's going to come and take me to lunch. GRIN. Then tonight we're going to dinner and a movie. We're going to see Pumpkin at the Dobie, I'm looking forward to it!
Strangers for Ancestors
(2002-07-25)
"I've got strangers for great grandchildren, I've got strangers for ancestors." Ani
I've never been one of those people particularly attached to family, especially extended family. When I was growing up my friends were more important to me than family. (That's changing as I get older.) I don't keep in contact with aunts, uncles, and cousins, although I certainly have plenty all over the country. I only have one living grandparent - my dad's mom. I was so detached from my family during the first couple of years of college that due to finals I missed my grandfather's funeral. (Something I now regret terribly!) That was also partly due to the fact that my parents and I were somewhat distant because they were rather unhappy I had my first girlfriend during the previous two and a half years.
But, the other day I was vaguely thinking of heirlooms and such. I have paintings in my apartment from a great aunt I know nothing about. I was pondering links to past generations and how I don't know probably even 1% of what my ancestors lives were like.
I'm not even sure this was brought on by the possibility of having kids any time soon. But I want my great grandchildren to know me, my life, my story. I don't want to be forgotten. I want to make a connection to them somehow. Maybe that's why I'm big on journaling.
When I was in college I worked doing transcribing in the Oral History department. That sparked an interest in people and their stories that I still carry. I'm sure that also plays a part in all of the above thoughts.
Saturday Again
(2002-07-27)
Aaaahhhh, it's Saturday again. It was wonderful to sleep late and get out of bed knowing I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to today!
Nerdstar, poor thing, had to work today. Now she's out doing a ride-along with a local police officer. Way back when she applied with the police department but failed the obsticle course by five seconds. I think it would be cool to ride along for a shift. The guy said you just never know which shifts will be boring and which will be wild. I told her she can't go get donuts without me!
In the meantime I haven't done much other than eat some lunch, watch a little tv and read long with some of the people doing the Blogathon2002 . I'm slowly but surely trying to learn the very basics of html. But tweeking a webpage is almost way too tedious for me! I'm just not the kind of person that gets 100% of the details right the first time, and I don't like doing things more than once. (Can you see the problem there?) I know my design is very minimalist! I like it that way. So far there's not anything I haven't linked on here that I want to. There are things like current books and movies I could keep a list of, but I'm not there yet. But, if there's anything glaringly icky about the way this looks, or if there's something I should add, don't hesitate to let me know.
Well, the poor dog needs to be walked.
(2002-07-29)
I start way too many of these entries with the word "I", but because it's Monday, today will not be the entry to start a new trend. At least I'm not nearly as sleepy today as I thought I would be!
Nerdstar, being her usual time-be-damned self, finally got home about 4:30 am Saturday/Sunday. When I was a kid I could never understand why my mom couldn't sleep until everyone was home and in bed. Now, as with so many other things, I find I'm just like her. I can catnap some while waiting for Nerdstar to get home when she's away later than intended, but I can't fully sleep. I can't even imagine how bad I'll be when we finally have kids.
Yesterday we got up around 11:30 to go eat some lunch and do some shopping. Nerdstar had to get a suit for her upcoming job interviews. She got the pants, jacket and shirt for an amazing $60 at Foleys - sales are good!
The highlight of my day was her trying on some shoes to go with the new outfit. Now, my girl isn't one of those tiny little asian chicks, and I'm glad, otherwise I'd be missing out on the best boobies ever. But my god does she have the feet of a man!! And, not being very girly, she's unaccustomed to wearing pumps. I only wish I'd had a camcorder with us while she was trying to walk in those shoes. Newby drag queens are more graceful!! I was laughing so hard I was about to cry. I wish I could describe it better.
That's about it on this slow Monday.
What Do Gays and Lesbians Have in Common?
(2002-07-30)
Andrew Sullivan got to wondering yesterday on his site about what gay men and lesbians have in common. Today he follows up with more ideas of his own and some emailed to him. I think it's very interesting that the answer is - not very much really.
Nerdstar and I aren't huge participants in the gay community here in Austin. Pride events aren't very fun when they're outdoors in 100 degree weather and seem to be mostly about consumerism. There are four or five gay bars, and no lesbian bars here in town. There was a little coffee house, but the younger women there were way too crunchy for our taste.
I've heard cities like Asheville and Portland have much better (more active/more integrated) gay communities.
I always find it frustrating that gay men are so much more prevelant in everything from television, movies, books, to politics. I sometimes wonder if that's because lesbians are less affluent as a group? I know there has to be more to it than that. But I keep wondering where all the lesbians are - lesbian pop culture (for lack of a better term) is a desert wasteland.
So, go read Andrew, and then tell me what you think gays and lesbians have in common and how things could improve.
Porn
(2002-07-31)
How strange it seems this morning to not only be writing about porn at work, but so early in the morning. Maybe it will wake my brain up and help me get thru the day.
For me, there aren't very many things sexier than watching two women kiss, whether it's in a movie or in a club. But most often I take my porn in the form of written erotica, and I like the variety there is these days. I think my love of reading began with trashy romance novels my mother had around when I was a teenager. I think it would be great if someone took all of the "best of lesbian erotcia" books and turned those short stories into short films.
Nerdstar, on the other hand, has a twelve year old boy's fascination with porn. And she loves the music. Says it's nice to sleep to. All of which cracks me up. So almost all of my porn watching has been in the last three years. We have looked and looked for real lesbian porn, as opposed to the fake boobie straight girls flicking their tongues over each other to get their men off. There's just not much out there. So, we end up watching gay boy porn.
If you've heard Chris Rock's last (I think) cd you'll get the tone with which Nerdstar looks at me and says at completely random moments, "Um, I saw "this" in a movie once, and uh, maybe, uh, could we, if you don't mind, try it?" I think I've mentioned that her nickname, Nerdstar, comes from her wanting to be a porn star but is really just a nerd at heart. Her nickname for me has always been porn queen though.
If cyber sex counts as porn, and most of it probably should, I enjoyed that up until I met Nerdstar and got to switch to the in person kind. GRIN. But it wasn't just about raw sex, it was about using only words to seduce and arouse.
I've thought recently of getting a decent cam corder and going out and filming girls kissing and starting off simple like that. I don't think I actually have the balls for doing that.
Sleep Deprived But Good
(2002-08-02)
As always, thank God it's Friday. I don't think I could drag my ass out of bed one more morning for work!
It's been a good couple of days, just not nearly enough sleep the last two nights.
Wednesday after work Nerdstar went to Houston to see her grandparents and for another interview with DEA on Thursday. Wednesday night was the lesbian gathering at a little coffee house. This week three new ladies showed up who are so much fun! We got there around 7:30 and sat sharing stories and jokes and our lives til 1 in the morning. It was the best night I've had hanging out with people in years! Unfortunately that meant I didn't get home until 1:30 and still had to walk the dog and shower. So, 6:30 came way too early for me. I took a nap at my desk during lunch yesterday and then slept from 5 to 7 when I got home from work.
The interview stuff went well yesterday for Nerdstar. They went ahead in the process and gave her the polygraph and the forms to go get a medical. They said they're going to try to get her in the January training.
She didn't get home until 11:30 last night, so I'm still pretty damn tired today. I have no plans for being out of bed before about 11 am tomorrow!!
She still has the interview with the postal system the 16th. Hopefully it will go as well because that's the job she would prefer.
I'm just trying to figure out how to get thru the four months she'll be gone for training whichever job she gets. It'll be hard. I can handle a day or two of her going out of town ok, but even the two weeks she went to China last summer seemed very long. But, I know it will be worth it.
Playing Hookey
(2002-08-05)
Yep, I'm playing hookey from work today. I woke up last night with a headache and feeling like I was going to throw up. Then I woke up this morning and still had a headache so I called in. I think it's more the fact that I still don't have an office, and wasn't sure if someone was going to be out today for me to use theirs, and the weather. It's just too damn hot to do much of anything.
We spent the weekend cleaning house and buying groceries and stuff. I think it was all the heat that gave me the headache. I'm just not suited to summers in Texas. That's why this is the last one.
Unfortunately I don't have anything the least bit interesting to write today.
We did watch Amelie on dvd - it was even better the second time I think. And I read "Survivor" a book by the guy who wrote "Fight Club" It just might be the strangest book I've ever read. It was weird, I was reading part of "Naked" by David Sadaris and then picked up "Survivor" - as out there and extreme as Sadaris is in his humor, it was like Chuck P. was even more strange and dark and extreme.
When I was buying the books, "Naked" and the two by Chuck P. I was telling Nerdstar how it's sometimes disconcerting that I'm so drawn to dark comedies and strange books and movies. But that it must all be a part of being a mental masochist. My brain is drawn to being abused.
WTC Site Idea
(2002-08-07)
Honor In The Sky brought tears to my eyes. If I had a magic wand or mind control powers I'd see that this became reality. I love his ideas and reasons for the design, but even if you're an athiest socialist hopefully you'll like the design, too. Other than that I'm mostly playing mental masochist the past few days and since it's not really that fun for me to be in my head I don't figure I need to torture other people with what's in there.
Making Friends
(2002-08-08)
Last night was good. We went to Spider House again and hung out with some cool chicks! It was nice because Nerdstar got to go with me. And we were good kids and didn't stay out too late.
It's fun and kinda scary to be making some new friends. Neither Nerdstar nor I have spent very much time hanging out with other lesbians. When I was dating my first girlfriend I was a senior in high school in the mid 80s and we literally didn't know any other lesbians and didn't try to get into clubs or anything. Then the years between her and Nerdstar I spent going to college or work and was in church. Didn't meet any lesbians there for sure!
Almost all of the lesbian friendships I've had were thru being online. I've never been into the club scene and have had a hard time meeting other women. That's why this gathering at the coffee house is really nice!
It's also gotten me to wondering about how there's the theory that men and women can't ever really be friends because of the sex factor - it's always between them. And I'm wondering if and how that applies to lesbians. I know for me there were a couple of friendships where it was a little awkward at first trying to figure out - ok are we going to date or be friends? But once we were both clear it was just a friendship everything was cool. Does that happen often? If there's the slightest attraction is there a will we/won't we phase?
Then on the lighter side, I read on OddTodd.com where this guy was busted for looking at this girl's boobies and how he felt bad and it wasn't really intentional and all. It's funny. Now, I must admit to looking at boobies pretty often myself, but never having been busted. So my other question of the day is - do lesbians get busted for boobie watching like guys do or can we get away with it more? I think I set a record for the word lesbian in an entry!
Disconnected
(2002-08-12)
One of the reasons I like reading other lesbian websites (blogs, journals, whatever) is because I've never felt like a "typical" lesbian, so I like to get an inside look at what other lesbian lives are like.
Ok, I guess I've done two of the stereotypical things, I slept with my ex about five years after we broke up. And Nerdstar and I would definitely fall into the uhaul lesbian category seeing as she moved in about five weeks after we met.
But I've never participated in the dating scene and gone thru some of the drama associated - dating someone my ex dated, one night stands, etc.
I'm not a liberal political or environmental lesbian.
I think sometimes I see myself as a straight girl who has a girlfriend. But that's only until I really look around and get frustrated at how straight the world is.
Maybe it's the eight years between girlfriends when I was completely devoted to my faith that makes it all seem disconnected.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say.
Maybe I'm trying to resolve the disconnect I feel with other lesbians.
Identity
(2002-08-13)
Let's see if I can tie together and put out there a couple of different ideas in my head.
I'll start by saying that Asparagirl (linked above) has a great blog today talking about online identity and the difference between being anonymous and having a pseudonym, and as always how you just never know that the persona coming across is the real person behind the typing. Go read her, she says a lot more a lot better than I can! Another great look at the nature of blogs is http://www.oreillynet.com/pub/a/javascript/2002/06/13/megnut.html What We're Doing When We Blog which I found over at http://www.darksyde.blogspot.com Darksyde Which sort of leads to me saying that I am just me. I like being accurate more than I like to make things up. I want to be known. If you were to ever talk to me either in person or on the phone, I would sound exactly like I type. I think that comes from years of doing dictation and getting conversations into print. It appears in my brain and a few seconds later it appears on the screen.
From there I go to an artcile I read the other day on the CIA recruiting new spies (sorry I didn't keep the link). Now, I would love to be a spy. I love watching/observing people - what they do and trying to discern why they do it. I especially love listening in on conversations (comes in very handy at work!). But, part of being a spy usually means being deep undercover and assuming a whole new identity and lifestyle. I'm pretty sure I couldn't do that.
Lastly, back to the idea of not being a "typical" lesbian. I've gotten a couple of great comments - thanks! So, maybe I am typical. Maybe I'm one of many, many lesbians just living their lives, with or without girlfriends, going to work every day, seeing movies, hanging out at home. We're just not the ones getting all the attention. But I do think we're the ones quietly going about changing people's perceptions of what it is to be gay in these times. I know that my having a girlfriend becomes mostly irrelevant with my coworkers because our life is pretty much like their life. Even the more conservative of my coworkers don't treat me any differently based on my sexuality. So I hope they carry that image of "gays" when they're tempted to be even a little homophobic.
Pissing off fans
(2002-08-14)
A local musician posted the following to a local email list (some of the same memebers who meet for coffee wed. nights).
"Dear Fans and Friends,
First of all, I want to thank all of you for your continued support of me and my music. I have enjoyed the past year and am very excited about what is in my future. However, there is a situation that has been brought to my attention that needs to be addressed.
At the present time, within my fanbase there is a significant group of people who have alternate sexual preferences. Please know that I appreciate my fanbase no matter who or what they are - I, in no way, shape, or form am complaining. However, as an artist, I am continually wanting to expand that fanbase - to mothers and fathers, to college students, to teenagers, etc. I honestly believe my music has the appeal to be able to do that. It is not only important to me personally, but it is imperative for my future ~ record executives are looking for artists with an established and significant following - they don't do very many "developmental" deals these days.
However, I have had several complaints from bar owners, friends, fans, and potential fans regarding the outwardly show of affection that has taken place at my shows. This type of behavior, right or wrong, reflects on me as the artist who has brought you to that club. Let me give you some examples:
1) I have several friends who will not ask their families, friends, or coworkers to shows because of this behavior and the potential negative reflection that may be projected upon them as fans of mine.
2) A gentleman from a show at "The Six of Clubs" made a comment in the men's bathroom, "What's going on here tonight? I thought this was a straight bar."
As an artist, I want to be known for my MUSIC. It is VERY IMPORTANT to me to NOT be stereotyped, pidgeonholed, or categorized in a way that will alienate anyone from listening or coming to see my shows. I do not want to become a Melissa Etheridge or a Patrice Pike (although I love them both and respect them very much as artists) - most people don't think about their music first.....they think of their sexual orientation - whether right or wrong, that's the way it is. Whether I am straight or gay, it is no one's business in the first place and I, personally, am not open to making that anyone's business. It should be about the music...period.
I cannot control the behavior of anyone, however, I am respectfully asking all of you as fans and friends to please be respectful of what I am trying to accomplish as an artist. Please be respectful of the places where I am performing by being aware of the actions that can possibly turn potential fans away from my music or from my future shows. I want EVERYONE to feel comfortable coming to my shows - and from what I've been told, people are not comfortable because of this behavior. If this means you cannot continue to support me or come to my future shows, then I will understand and respect that decision. I appreciate your support up until this time.
I sincerely hope you will understand the purpose of this letter and will respect my request.
Thanks for your continued support ~
Michelle"
A coworker of mine and I read it and both said WTF??
Now, I know two other local musicians who struggle with the issue of wanting to be "musicians" and not "lesbian musicians" in hopes to advance their career farther and faster. But they've never made a public statement to that fact.
I've never heard Michelle perform, and hadn't even heard her name until this email showed up in my box. My immediate reaction was - well, then I guess I won't be coming to hear you perform.
I think it's silly for someone to say "my sexuality is not an issue - I'm not telling you if I'm gay or straight" because frankly I don't think a straight person has EVER issued such a statement (they only issue statements staunchly affirming their straightness). They don't have to. So that statement seems rather self defeating.
And I think the email shows a really conflicted person. Why would you ask your fans to tone it down, change their behavior, to appease a few homophobic other fans. Wouldn't the right response, especially in a city as gay friendly as Austin, to say from the stage "Hey, I understand there are a few people out there listening to my music who aren't comfortable with some of the other people listening to my music, and that's not what I'm about." and try to encourge the homophobes to change their ways instead of the other way around??
It just strikes me as sad, when so many in the gay community are looking for artists of all types to represent us, to have some who publicly states such sentiments.
I know closet or no closet is a very personal choice, and closets are necessary for some. I understand that completely. But as a musician, or artist, or actor, or any other public job - you automatically give up some of your privacy. Call it the price of fame. And you knew that going in. And especially as a musician, when all great music is born out of the writer's life, how can a closeted song writer write GREAT songs?
Not much for a Friday
(2002-08-16)
Howdy
Well, I finally got to move into my office!! So now I have my Ani posters and Spongebob posters, and pics of my girl and our dog and cats, my postcard that says "be realistic and demand the impossible", I've got my cd player back (I was letting the receptionist use it while I was officelss) and my cds, and my cute little M&M figures, my whinnie the pooh mousepad. Ahhhh. It's nice. I'm listening to Matchbox 20 this afternoon.
Nerdstar flew to DC for another day of interviews with the Postal Service to be a postal inspetor. She just called and said it all went well. She'll find out the results in two weeks.
No big plans for the weekend, Nerdstar has to work tomorrow. Then Sunday we're going to do a brainless double feature of "Tripple X and Blue Crush!
Other than that I can't think of much.
(2002-08-17)
I had no idea I was so very tired until Nerdstar called me from work at 1 pm and I was still sleeping soundly and having lots of weird dreams! We were up last night until about 1. She flew back from DC and got in around 11:30 so we went to get something to eat.
Last night I joined the growing number of folks with a digital camera. I got a nice little Kodak that's easy to use. I'm waiting to see how pics look when traditionally developed since I still like photo albums, and the easiest way to achieve that. Hopefully it'll be a fun new toy.
This article (sorry if you're not registered with the NYT, you should be)http://www.nytimes.com/2002/08/17/arts/17SLAN.html French Ebonics? is interesting. Buy my brain isn't awake enough to really comment on it.
Nice Weekend
(2002-08-19)
It turned out to be a very nice weekend. Nerdstar got back into town about 11:30 Friday night so we went to grab a late dinner. Poor girl had to work Saturday. Then we went to Pappadeux for dinner and then to this little bar to hear my favorite singers perform Vera Takes The Cake I can't recommend them enough - fantastic voices, great songwriting. They are the most fun and entertaining band around. I'd forgotten how much I love listening to live music. Which is ironic since Austin is supose to be the Live Music Capital. The real irony is that while trying to claim that title, Austin keeps closing it's best live music venues. Yesterday it was great to sleep late. Went decided to do a mindless double feature - Tripple X and Blue Crush. We saw Tripple X first, it was fun. I want to be a bad guy - with the cars and girls and cash!! Then we went to lunch and then went back to see Blue Crush, it was lame! Oh well.
So now it's back to the Monday grind. With school starting it should be pretty quiet in our office. The school districts have students to hassle instead of us!
Having Kids
(2002-08-20)
Well, since Dykewrite asked...
I've always wanted a little girl just like me, even thru all the years I didn't think I wanted kids at all. Then almost right from week one of our relationship, Nerdstar started talking about us having kids. Her ideal home is one with two or three kids, four or five dogs, several cats - all in one huge bed with us. (I keep telling her I'll have my own room thank you, she can share with all the kids and pets!)
Just about a year ago we got serious about the baby thing and started making some decisions and moving the process along. I'm four years older so I'm trying to get pregnant first. I always knew in the back of my mind that I'd have a hard time getting pregnant - I didn't figure my NOT getting pregnant in high school was due to good birth control.
Now, before I met Nerdstar and was thinking I'd end up being a single parent someday, I always knew I didn't want any ties to a man (or couple if I adopted) thru my child. I didn't ever want someone else showing up X number of years later wanting some part of my child's life, or the "father" wanting visitation or such. (Call me selfish if you want.) So for me the only way for us to go was thru an anonymous donor thru a sperm bank. We picked a sperm bank, narrowed the list to ten, then to one donor based on very basic information.
I know all of this can get very complicated later - all of the questions I know our kids will have about who they are, who their "father" is and so on. For me the less information = the less complicated. I want the process of getting pregnant to later be as much of a nonfactor as I can make it.
I was right about it being hard for me to get pregnant. Turns out that althought I have regular periods, I don't usually ovulate. I had success once taking Clomid and we tried the insemination once. It was pretty surreal. Nerdstar picked up the sperm from the bank the day before, we went to the doctor's office, thawed out the sperm and went for it. Unfortunately it didn't take, although I think it was close. That was back in January. Only one other time did I ovulate, but we were unable to pick up the sperm because of it being the weekend and poor planning.
I gave up on taking the Clomid after we got to tripple the original dose - it was hell. For two weeks I'd have PMS X 100 plus hot flashes. So, just over a month ago I decided to try eastern medicine. I'm taking Chinese herbs and vitamin E and tryng to eat less sugar and exercise. I'll give it three or four months and see how it goes. The doctor there tells me they have an 80% success rate with women like me.
My ultimate backup plan is that Nerdstar can get pregnant! Even if I am successful eventually she'll have a baby, too. She's Chinese and wants a kid that looks like her - go figure! Then if we feel like we can handle it one of us will have a baby that's Chinese/White.
The whole thing is an exercise in patience I wouldn't have thought I could get thru a year ago, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. When there's literally one day a month that everything has to come together just right to even TRY to get pregnant - there's more waiting than anyone should have to endure. Throw in Nerdstar also going thru a very long process to get the job she wants and we've both had the longest year of our lives it feels like.
I try not to feel old in this process. I'm 34 and Nerdstar is 30.
The funny thing is, last year three women in our office had babies, and now two more are pregnant. I have a hard time not being jealous at how easy it seems for them.
To hell with optimism
(2002-08-22)
Actually, Fuck Optimism. She's the most sadistic, cruel bitch I know. Her and Patience run a great tag team of fuck you over. I'm sure Fate and Karma are laughing their asses off as well.
That's how I'm feeling today.
Nerdstar got the results of her interview for the postal insepctor job - and while it was probably close, she didn't quite pass. She was really wanting it to work out. We were both trying to be optimistic and mentally getting ready for a move and more money!
So just add that to the growing list of frustrations and disappointments this year - all job and baby related.
UGH. Ok, I'm not going to go on ranting. There's no point in it.
Helping Hollywood
(2002-09-24)
After sitting thru two movies and more previews than I can remember, I have a few suggestions for Hollywood. Every actor should be limited to 10 movies. If you spend your teen years making things like "Dude, Where's My car" tough - those count toward your ten. If you play the same role in parts 1, 2, and 3 of the same story - that counts as three of ten. Then actors would have to choose wisely, which would in and of itself raise the standard of movies made. If you've only got ten chances at that Oscar, are you really going to be in something like Not Another Teenage Movie? Now, I understand the general public (fools that they are) sometimes really wants a movie like Not Another Teenage Movie, I think there are enough bad actors out there to meet that need. And really, do we ever need that third film in a series?? With the very lone exception of Lord of the Rings - NO.
While we're at it, once you've been in, say your first three movies, you can not go back and make commercials. You do not need a few million dollars more, and we don't need to see your face that much. If you've been in a hit television series for years, you cannot switch to movies – do we really need another movie with Matthew Perry in it? If you're an athlete you can't do movies or commercials – you have a career – stick to it. We certainly don't need Shaquiel O'Neal making rap albums. If you're a singer you can't switch to acting and if you're an actor you can't switch to music. If you're talented enough in one – don't be so arrogant as to think you can be talented at both. Again, you don't need more money. If you are in the music industry, you must at the very least write your own lyrics and/or play an instrument. That shouldn't be asking too much.
Yes, I spend way too much time thinking up stupid stuff like this!
The google searches have started.
(2002-08-27)
Tuesday mornings are so nondesript. And in the middle of typing that all the images of 9/11 come into my head - as if I'm tempting fate for even typing such a sentence. But I'll save my comments on "one year later" until after 9/11. I still haven't even decided if I'm coming to work that day. If I didn't think watching tv would just piss me off to no end that day (because of wimp ass coverage) I'd stay home.
I'm not sure how this happens, but this little site has started registering on google and it's cracking me up to see what people are searching for and then what little entry of mine it gets them. I feel really bad because I'm sure it's nothing close to what they're actually wanting to read. Someone from sweden (don't ask me) was looking for "headaches and throw up." That one amused me for some reason. Of course, you're always free to click on my little site meter and see all the fun for yourself. (yes, i'm laughing!)
I have absolutely NO good news to write about and am probably going to refrain from writing about all the bad news I have. Suffice it to say that if I'm the one having to be optimistic for Nerdstar - things are not good.
Equity Residential SUCKS
(2002-08-28)
I'm never surprised, because I'm use to it, but I'm still amazed at how life can seem to keep going from bad to worse. And let me say up front for all you single people reading along, if you feel like you're a bad luck kinda person, please don't date someone else with bad luck - it just won't be pretty if you do.
We hate our apartment managers. I'm used to a pay rent and let live kinda place. But, these apartment Nazis seem determined to nick pick us and hassle us. Other than feeling powerless, nothing is more frustrating that an arbitrary enforcement of rules. Sure, people can have their dogs running around without leashes, sure people can let their kids scream unattended at the pool at midnight, sure everyone can park in the fire lanes, no problem.
We came home Tuesday to a note on our door saying we had "an unauthorized pet", which confused me since we'd paid a pet deposit for our cats - I kinda figured that would cover all pets. No. What really really sucks is that it's not a matter of paying more money to have our dog - they're telling us that within a week we have to get rid of one of our pets or be evicted.
I'm still waiting for them to produce something in writing with our signature on it that shows we were suppose to have any idea of this policy. I'm not thinking that's going to happen.
What also sucks is that we just signed a lease renewal that takes us thru May of 2003 and they won't even let us out of that. Bastards.
I can't even imagine being that much of a hardass about anything.
Fortunately, Nerdstar was headed to Houston to see her grandparents today anyway so they've agreed to keep our cat Little Man for a while until we either break the damn lease and move or get these apartments to stop being such assholes.
So after the complete disappointment of the job stuff last week, Nerdstar's really upset about Little Man having to go away for a while. I mean, it's like being told you have to send your kids to military camp or something.
I keep telling her to look on the bright side - we've been talking about getting her grandparents a cat anyway, so hopefully Little Man will be good for them!
In the meantime, I'm trying to find ways to completely harass the apartment management - like reporting city ordinance violations and stuff. We did send an email to the regional office pleading our case.
Feeling like the stock market.
(2002-08-29)
My eyeballs are about to fall out of my head they're so tired. That's mostly from working nine or ten hours a day this week updating student records because neither the student nor the test administrator can seem to fill in the name and birthdate right on the answer documents. Nice.
More apartment bullshit... last night Nerdstar is down in Houston with Ramen and Little Man; Ramen to play with her nephews and Little Man to get his new temporary home. I get home about 6:30 and figure I'll grill a couple of burgers. In the back of my mind, with all the trouble we're having, I did think, well maybe it's not a good idea. Sure enough, I get the grill lit and our downstairs neighbor comes walking up the walkway. He is creepy as hell!! We already knew he's complained about us being loud - which is a complete joke when you know how much I hate noise. And we also figure he's the one who told them about Ramen. Fine. He only moved in a month or two ago, we've lived there for two years.
Sure enough, I get done cooking and I see a fire truck come thru the apartment gates. Thankfully the firemen were very nice, said they were glad I was finished cooking, and just poured water over the warm coals.
Naturally, I took the opportunity to mention a couple of times about the ten to fifteen cars always parked in the fire lanes no one seems too concerned about.
So, if you're as devious and evil as I want to be, and you have any suggestions on how to annonymously harass the hell out of our creepy busybody neighbor - please, let me know!!
The regional office for our apartments did manage to call Nerdstar yesterday and at least talk over the problems we're having regarding the pets. The lady couldn't make any promises, but she said that if we couldn't work out the pets that maybe she could at least get us out of the lease without penalties. So we'll see. We don't want to move because it's more energy and money than we have right now - but maybe we will.
And if that weren't enough crap for one day. Nerdstar got to Houston and then went to run an errand only to find her car battery was dead. Nice.
This morning I'm feeling like the stock market and wondering - is this the bottom yet??
Flowers
(2002-08-30)
Letting out a long sigh... it's Friday!! Working overtime every day has made this week seem more like two.
I'll start with the good - Nerdstar sent me the cheeriest yellow flower arrangement yesterday. It brightened up my heart as much as it's brightening up my office. And it's always nice to hear the straight women say, "Gosh, I never get flowers."
I'm being hopefull this morning that our luck will change today. Right now Nerdstar is still in Houston with a broken car and we need to be in Dallas by 8 am tomorrow. Hopefully it won't be anything major and the mechanic - who's already been very helpful - can get it fixed by early afternoon and she can make it back here to Austin this evening. We'll see.
I'm really looking forward to spending time with my little nephew. We get to babysit him most of the weekend. He's so cute! Other than that I'm just looking forward to being a complete lazyass.
So, last nights MTV Video Awards was actually the best awards show I've seen in a long time. I'm not a Jimmy Falon fan at all, but his opening was smart and funny!
I just have one comment - why is Justin trying to be a white Michael Jackson - don't we already have a WHITE Michael Jackson??
Weekend With Zachary
(2002-09-03)
Nerdstar did end up getting home about 11 pm Friday night from Houston. After owning this truck for at least a year, all of a sudden an alarm we didn't know it had decided to disable the vehicle entirely. It wasn't until her mechanic tried to take out the battery that the alarm went off. Fortunately he was able to find someone who could walk him thru disabling the alarm. How weird is that??
So we got up at about 4:30 Saturday morning and drove to Dallas to babysit my nephew and relax. Now, I'm sure with some kids babysitting is not relaxing. But, Zach just walks around and plays with his toys and dances when music comes on the television. He's so cute. We're all ready for him to start talking. My mom and dad who keep him a lot of the time, spend a lot of time in the backyard restoring furniture or whatever. Zach loves to be outside. He's gotten to where he'll get the water hose and if you turn it on for him, he'll go around and water all of the plants in the backyard!
My folks got back into town yesterday and so we hung out with them and Zachary until about 6:30 and drove back to Austin.
My allergies have been killing me since Friday night and I hate taking meds for them. They leave me feeling sluggish and with terrible cotton mouth. I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow so hopefully I can get nasal spray!
Other than that, Silly keeps looking for Little Man. She goes out onto the balcony where they spend a lot of time and cries out for him. Nerdstar is really sad about the whole thing. We'll figure out this week if we're just goinng to bring Little Man back or if we're going to move to another complex altogether. Either way we feel like it all just sucks!
Bleh!
(2002-09-04)
The good part of today is that I had a doctor's appointment so I got to sleep in a little and didn't get to work until 10:30 this morning - very nice. I'm also going to leave at my regular time instead of staying late today - very very nice!
The pictures of my nephew I took with my new digital camera came out pretty good. I was going to buy the prints online, but it took way way too long to upload them. So I put them on disk (it took 7 for 18 pics) and our local grocery store will develop them. Maybe this weekend, if we're in town, I can figure out how to put them onto a cd. Of course, then I'd need to buy a re-writable one.
Well, the apartment people are holding fast to their Nazi stance of not letting us out of the lease that doesn't even start until the end of this month AND enforcing the two pet maximum. Bastards. So we're going to talk with the local tenants association and see if they've got any advice for us. We're either going to bring Little Man back from exile this weekend or next. Silly is still going out on the balcony and calling for him. I hope it's annoying the hell out of the downstairs neighbor who's caused all of this mess. Either the apartment management will just sort of drop it, or we'll break the lease and move.
Random
(2002-09-05)
Can't say there's much new going on today. We spent last night watching a couple of hours worth of "Changing Rooms" the british version of "Trading Spaces." I like "Changing Rooms" better, mostly because of the accents.
The Google searches that bring people here crack me up, and then I feel bad that whatever page of mine they're reading is probably not even close to what they were looking for. I just wish the people who read ten or more pages, or who decide to read on a regular basis would leave a comment and say howdy and at least what part of this big world they're reading from. I get some pretty random stuff from Europe!
Here's a few searches:
hot chicks on motorcycles
cinamon roll
I get a lot for David Sadaris and Suze Orman for some reason.
Wells Fargo Sucks comes up often enough.
watch me paint my toenails
trombone girl
granny + monsters
girl broken arm at school (that one was from japan)
quotalbe lyrics
gay truck stops (i don't want to know)
and of course - best boobies!
Ok, stupid thing I saw today - there's a brand new "Austin Women" magazine. That's nice. Except the back page was an ad for a local mall that read "A Girl's First Field Trip - Shopping" Uh, sure. That's exactly the right message to send to school girls. Don't worry about all those science and history field trips to museums and such... you can just go shopping!
That's the random stuff in my head today!
Help Restore my 1969 Camaro
(2002-10-06)
If you don't ask, you don't receive. So, here goes.
My grandmother bought a dark green with white vinyl top 1969 Camaro new in 1970. I can still remember riding in the backseat with her driving and my mom in the front seat. In fact, the first time I got to sit in the front seat was the frist time I drove it.
The Christmas before I turned 16 my parents bought me the Camaro. Until a year ago it was the only car I'd ever owned.
Unfortunately, it needs much help now, mostly because the car is completely original. For some freak of nature reason the back windshield shattered last year, and because of the vinyl top (which I removed and sanded down and primered three years ago) there is too much rust damage to simply replace the windshield. Other than that it needs very little body work. The interior is in decent shape for the most part, it needs a new headliner (which I have bought but not had installed, along with new weatherstripping), it needs new carpet and the board behind the backseat needs replacing. Except for the driver's seat, the seats are like new.
I've had the engine, transmission, and rear end rebuilt. But, I'd like to have an expert restorer do the engine again. Unfortunatley right now it won't run because when I was uninstalling a stereo I must have messed up a wire because the car doesn't have electrity. Nothing would make me happier than for it to run like it did when I was 16. (Well, maybe if I ran like I did when I was 16...)
I estimate to get my car like new again will cost between $7000 and $10,000. Every year I think it will be the year I can save some money and get it all done. I'm tempted to go out to the garage and start taking it apart and doing what work I can myself - maybe in a couple of weeks when the weather is cooler I will.
I love this car. I'd love nothing more than to be able to restore it and one day turn around and give it to my 16 year old daughter (when I have one!).
Any help at all would be more appreciated than you'll know.
I'm sorry I can't post a picture on this page. If you really want one I can take one and email it to you.
Rainy Saturday
(2002-10-08)
Life is pretty good today. We're having a nice rainy weekend, but not flooding. I like rainy weekends! We went to have some lunch and went to the bookstore. I got "The Cell" about the beginnings of Al Quida and leading up to Sept. 11. So far it's a fascinating read I'd highly recommend. I'll not rant and rave here about how Bill Clinton should have a special place in hell for getting blow jobs and worrying about his image instead of accepting the hand over of Bin Laden and so forth. Nope, not gonna rant...
The best thing today was that I got 5th row tickets to the Ani concert next month. Yep, 5th row. I'm trying to not be sad that I didn't call ten minutes earlier and get first or second row :-) I'm so glad it's just her and her guitar this time and not the whole band. I got her new cd "So Much Shouting So Much Laughter" the other day and I'm not impressed. I don't think the sound of it is nearly as good as "Living In Clip." Oh well.
I think I'm bracing myself for this one year after stuff this week. I've debated going to work that day. I probably will. I do ok until I hear a story about one of the nearly 3000 people killed that day, or their family and friends. I wish I had the ability to write what's in my heart and head about that day and the year's events since. Maybe even more than sad for the victims and their loved ones, I'm still completely pissed at the bastards who did this, and I'm increasingly pissed at our government because I don't think they could prevent another such attack now - with all we now know. I think Bush is being a complete pussy. And I think the democrats who are putting politics over the safety of the American people should all be shot - well, ok, at least removed from office. Unfortunately, even though I think the people of this country have changed some, I'm not sure their consituents are among them.
I think I live in the greatest country in the history of the world. And I'm pretty damn tired of people who live here thinking otherwise. You know what, I'd tell them pretty much what my parents told me "if you can find better parents, go live with them." Yep, if you can find a better country, here let me buy you a plane ticket there. And as for the rest of the world bitching and moaning about how evil we are... fuck that. If I were president I'd put an immediate moratorium on ALL foreign aid - food, money, whatever AND immediately call due all debts owed to us and sustain it for four years. If you think we're so evil, fine, then you can't have our aid. Take care of your own damn selves. And for all the bleeding hearts in this country saying we don't do enough for the poor and homeless here - I'm sure those billions (trillions?) of dollars no longer spend on foreign aid will go a long way towards solving those problems. The world wants us to stop being the world's police - ok, fine, we will. You all can kill each other all you want to, murder your own citizens, starve them.
Ok, so I did rant, a little.
So much for diversity
(2002-09-09)
So much for open minded diversity on big college campuses. http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=2722 Access Denied The irony is I doubt that the same would hold true for smaller more conservative colleges, like Baylor University I attended. I'm sure they have more than one or two democrats/liberals among the ranks of their professors.Sad (2002-09-10) Today I'm doing the "this time last year" thing already. It was a Tuesday morning it all went to hell, so today feels more like the anniversary to me. And feeling it I am. I'm on edge and teary already. The morning radio program was asking people what their plans are for tomorrow. I don't have any real plans.
Two articles I can't recommend enough:
"http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/3972571.ht" On Hallowed Ground - Dave Berry
"http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/02/0902/090102.html" \l "090502" Lileks I don't think I'll be writing tomorrow. I'll be grieving for those lost, and grateful for the men and women who were heroes that day.Big sigh of relief (2002-09-12) I'm letting out a big sigh of relief today. The dread has lifted, maybe some of the sorrow, too. Yet, I know there are likely to be more attacks in my lifetime, that there's going to be war. In this past year I've become a patriot. Something I never would have predicted. But it's not a "love is blind" infatuation with American. It's more like an old married couple love where I know I've found the best match for me.
I was wondering last night if all those people who think it's America's fault Sept. 11 happened really really know how free they are. I'm not sure that we who've spent our whole lives in freedom truly get the magnitude of it. I'm not sure I could endure a month, much less a year or lifetime, living somewhere in this world that doesn't have our freedom. I'd highly suggest to anyone who thinks they're not free here to spend just one month living with, and in the same manner as, the citizens of Iran or Iraq or any of several African nations under tyrants these days. But I think what I most fail to understand is how they could not want people in all countries to have the same freedom we do. Now, that's not to say those countries have to be cookie cutters of America, not at all. But every country should have a free market, free speech, freedom of religion, a free press, and true democratic elections - where their leaders are elected and the result of violence and bloodshed. Because say what you will, it is amazing that all of our elections are peaceful and there is no bloodshed.
I know the gay and lesbian community in particular wishes it had more "freedoms", particularly marriage rights and such. And I agree heartily that we should. But the fact that there are still some things to be accomplished does not negate all of the progress that's been made in the past fifty years in this country.
Now I'm back to missing my faith and wondering if maybe this is the year I find it. Hard to say. I remembered a book I have called "The God of All Comfort" by Hannah Whitall Smith. I didn't find that book on my shelves, but I found another book by her, "The Unselfishness of God." Maybe it's a small step in letting go some of my anger.
Anyway. I want to say hi to whoever it is who reads this site using att.net and goes thru google searching for "bethlynn327". It's nice to know there are at least a few people reading along.
Happy Friday
(2002-09-13)
Happy Friday!
How crazy is this story? It was just too fun to not put a link up. "http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/science/nature/2251386.stm" Another Moon
Not much planned for the weekend. Tomorrow is our company picnic. Nerdstar has Reserves this weekend. I think she's going to take a long lunch and we'll take Ramen to play at the picnic. Other than that I need to see if I can put in new battery in my motorcycle. I'm not sure how easy it will be to get the seat off and such, it's a 1990 model, those bolts might be a little tight.
Saturday
(2002-10-15)
AAhhh, another uneventful Saturday. The company picnic was boring but ok. Can't beat a free meal. I took Ramen and he was pretty happy to have lots of other people, especially little kids, petting him. He's our little swishy pet me freak! It's still a little hotter outside than I'd like it to be, probably low to mid 90's. There's a slight cold front coming thru tomorrow and hopefully some more rain. If it never got above 80 I'd be perfectly happy.
I'm delaying changing out the motorcycle battery until it cools off a little more. Being out in the heat earlier has given me a headache, so maybe tomorrow I'll at least see if I can get the old one out.
Other than that I'm just cooling down and waiting for Nerdstar to get home from drill.
In my web wandering today I ran across this and liked it: "http://www.truthlaidbear.com/001313.html" \l "001313" Truthlaidbear
Sunday
(2002-10-16)
Today was decent, although it didn't rain like I'd hoped it would. The excitement of the day came when I was taking Ramen out for a walk and I fell down the first three steps of the stairs. Luckily all I did was scrape and bruise my forearm. Ramen just kinda looked at me like, why are you just sitting there?
I had hoped to get out the old motorcycle battery, so I took my few little tools down to the garage it's in only to realize that my tools are american and my motorcycle isn't. One day this week I'll go by a motorcycle shop and get a tool kit for my bike. I could just get a few basic metric tools, but I think the tool kit specifically for the bike would be better. And if I'm lucky they'll have a maintenance/repair manual as well.
I'm not sure yet what to think of the two big news stories of the past couple of days simply because I don't think I know enough about them yet.
The three young men questioned in Florida the other day is interesting in that I keep reading that the news casts kept getting the facts wrong, but I still haven't read exactly what did happen.
"http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/4071560.htm" TV dots airwaves with inaccuracies It doesn't appear everyone can be telling the truth in the past couple of days. To take either side without all the facts would reveal one prejudice or another (small town waitress vs. arabic looking young men). And the five men arrested in Buffalo in very interesting. I think the goverment made a mistake in not charging John Walker Lindh with treason and it set a bad precident. We'll see how it affects things for these five men.
And for those worried about lost civil rights in the U.S. (and sometimes I'm one of them): "http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A16362-2002Sep14.html" Checks and Balances Working Seems like the U.S. is still a more free place to be than Europe.
Now I'm off to watch the new Sopranos!Both of those stories were found at Instapundit.com.
Toys
(2002-09-17)
It's another Tuesday at work and I'm listening to Norah Jones' cd, it's just right for work listening, smooth, nice voice. I've been back on the phones more the last couple of days, I don't like it very much. I try to remind myself that no matter how stupid they are it's still my job to be nice. It's hard to be nice to stupid people.
Dykewrite asks about lesbians using strapons. I can't wait to see the google searches that find this. I've always thought toys of all kinds were fun and that whatever makes you and your lover feel good is just fine with me. Using a strapon doesn't make me think of men, to me it's just an extension of me or my girl (whoever is using it at that time) hands, mouth, tongue, fingers, boobies, strapon. But if you want to role play and pretend you're a guy with a huge one, go for it. My sex life isn't a political statement, it's my sex life. It's about feeling good and being intimate with the one I'm sharing my life with.
I've always laughed anytime a guy asks me if I miss dick - I'm like, of course not, I've got them in any size, shape and color I want, anytime I want. They sorta get it then.
Where Christianity might be headed
(2002-09-18)
I've written in the past about my religous background and my loss of faith. But lately Nerdstar and I have been conversing about God, church history and such. I tell her my comic versions of Bible stories and all. Lately I'm feeling it's not so much that I lost my faith as that it got completely buried. Maybe it's coming back to the surface a little more. I do know I'm working on being more calm and peaceful, not letting my brain race a million miles ahead and worry about every possible event for the next ten years. And I've always had an ear open listening for what God might be doing that is new and radical. So to read Andrew Sullivan this morning and run across this interview "http://www.theatlantic.com/unbound/interviews/int2002-09-12.htm" Christianity's New Center really caught my attention. Sometimes it's hard to be a lesbian who at heart is a pretty fundamental kind of Christian. I've yet to really find a way to reconcile it all. Or maybe it's just that there aren't really too many other gay fundametal Christians. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, or maybe more like stuck in a open field between the Hatfields and McCoys. Shots from both sides make me very sad. I know the gay community is not a big fan of Christianity, and with good reason. So it's interesting to read this even from a geopolitical point of view. The future of Christianity, Catholicism and Islam will play a major role in the future of all countries.
On a lighter note, yesterday in Lucianne I read these two blurbs that made me laugh: Thousands of people in Thailand are flocking to see a puddle which they say is in the shape of Buddha's footprint. They believe the water in the puddle will relieve pain and bring good fortune and say it is being guarded by a frog. A hunter has been attacked by a grizzly bear he had shot and left for dead the day earlier. Larry J Miller's life was saved by his wife Brinda, who shot the grizzly dead as it tried to tear her husband to pieces. The animal jumped on Mr Miller as he returned to the scene of the shooting in the forests near Anchorage, Alaska.
Drugs are bad
(2002-09-20)
Happy Friday! Can't say there's much going on these days. Mostly I'm waiting for lunch, Nerdstar's gonna meet me and one of my coworkers is going with us. It'll be a fun break in the workday.
Nerdstar has to work tomorrow or we'd be hitting a casino tomorrow afternoon. There's always a chance we'll do a flying trip tomorrow night, but we're trying to be good and wait until next weekend.
As always, Peggy Noonan writes what I've been thinking way more eloquently than I could have. In the "drugs are bad, mmmmkay" category, I read this in Lucianne yesterday:"An Australian man cut off the little finger on his right hand, then his scrotum, then his penis and finally his left hand in a drug-induced act of self-mutilation after arguing with his wife. The man, believed to be high on amphetamines, attacked himself with a carving knife Tuesday in the town of Inverell 400 miles north of Sydney, police said Thursday."
I don't know how effective the current anti drug commercials/PSAs are, but if you made that story into one, it just might get some attention. "This is your dick... this is your dick when you're on drugs..." that sort of thing. I'm just wondering if he got it all reattached and if his wife is sticking with him.
Motorcycle repairs and a day at the park
(2002-09-23)
It was another nice weekend. The weather is finally starting to cool off (highs only in the mid 80's) which helps a lot.
Friday night we ended up going to play Putt Putt golf, Nerdstar had never been, it was cheesy but fun. Then we headed to the warehouse district and she got a cigar and we hung out and watched people for a while, then decided to go get some dessert and head home.
Saturday she had to work. I decided it was time to put some effort into trying to get my motorcycle running since the weather is perfect for riding. The tools I ordered still weren't in. There's a tool kit that's especially for my motorcycle. Never having had a foreign car, I've only got american tools, not metric. So, I went ahead and got the battery and then just went to Home Depot to get a monkey wrench hoping it would work on the few bolts I had to get loose. I'm sure the wrench would have worked fine if the bolts hadn't been so damn tight. After about twenty minutes I finally got one off. I tried for thirty minutes on the other one and had to give up. I think I completely bruised my thumb in the process. Once Nerdstar got home, she tried to get the bolt loose but couldn't. So we went back up to Home Depot to get a wrench specifically that size. That did the trick. It then took us about thirty minutes to get all the connections loose and get the battery replaced. Of course, then it needed more gas. And, as always, there were two bolts I couldn't get back in, and the seat isn't on perfectly, but it's all up and running and ridable.
Yesterday it was too windy to go out riding, so we decided to take the grill and the dog down to the park. We stopped and got some burgers and stuff. Nothing like food cooked and eaten outdoors! There's a nice litle park people take their dogs too, it has an open area, then lots of trees and a creek that forms a small pool. We've been a little apprehensive about letting Ramen run around without a leash, he's not too fond of coming when he's called. We let him run around a few times, he generally came back when he was ready.
Last night we watched the Emmys and the Sopranos and went to bed. So far this season of the Sopranos is boring us.
I finally decided to hook my speakers at work up to my computer instead of my portable cd player/radio. So now I'm listening to XM satellite radio (linked above) over the internet - it is so very nice to not listen to djs and commercials!!
Now if I can just stay awake for the next seven hours!
Boring
(2002-09-24)
Boring boring boring. That about sums it up.
We had hoped to find a kitten so we could give Nerdstar's grandparents their own kitten and we could bring Little Man back home. Having a pet seems to be doing them good, and we hate to take him away now that they've grown attached to him. So we went to see a kitten last night. It's really closer to five months old and was a little defensive to be around grandparents. We're sad, but the wrong match would do more harm than good.
Other than that not a thing going on.
We have high hopes of going to a casino this weekend, but if Isador hits the Louisiana coast we might be out of luck. That or we'll just have to drive up to Shreveport. I think the decision will be mostly up to Nerdstar, and it'll be interesting to see what she decides.
See, told you it was boring!!
Plans and backup plans
(2002-09-25)
1:30 Wednesday afternoon, sitting my little office, reading blogs and news, listening to XM Radio over the internet, wishing I was at home, snuggling, or since it's so nice outside right now, wishing I was out riding my motorcycle!!
Also wishing I was either pregnant or already had a kiddo. We've only been trying for about nine months, but the outlook for me actually getting pregnant isn't too good. I've been taking the Chinese herbs, but haven't ovulated for the past two months. I'm big on plans and backup plans and more backup plans, so the plan for now is to give the Chinese herbs until Dec. Then to talk to my ob/gyn again about alternatives to Clomid. If I'm not pregnant by March (when I turn 35) then it's pretty much Nerdstar's turn to try. (One advantage of being a lesbian is that if I can't get pregnant, then at least my g/f can!)
It's so hard to not let all this get me down every day. Mostly I try not to think about it.
Wired that way
(2002-09-27)
I'm feeling much more awake than I thought I would this morning. I was a little tired last night only to get into bed a little after ten to find I can't sleep at all. Finally about 11:30 I got up and online. I didn't feel like doing more reading - I do that at work all day, I don't really do chat rooms anymore, didn't have much to say in emails, so I made a few minor changes to this design. I just don't want it to look cluttered. I'm forever contemplating getting a domain name, but I can't even begin to pick one, and day dreaming about a completely new design. I'm not that ambitious yet. I'm doing good to tweek this one and not completely mess it up.
How's this for irony. I did not want to get up for work yesterday and spent twenty minutes debating calling in sick or just late. I'm still waiting for any word on my raise/promotion that's suppose to happen the end of this month (and we're pretty much at the end!) so I called in late saying my alarm didn't go off. So TODAY my alarm really didn't go off, and neither did Nerdstar's. Fortunately, I suddenly was wide awake at 7:05 and made it to work by 7:35!
I'm a little anxious about the raise thing. I keep thinking if it was good news my boss would have told me already... but around here you never know. So I keep formulating worst case scenarios (because, you know, that's my specialty). I've about convinced myself that if they come up with some lame ass reason why I'm not getting the raise, then I'll clue them into some real unfairness around here, and ask to go to a four day work week, maybe being bold and throwing in something about looking for another job the day of the week I'm off.
Yep, I'm crazy. I try to think positively, but my brain just isn't wired that way.
Tonight will hopefully be our first poker night. Last week no one was able to make it. I'm hoping it's fun.
Then tomorrow we're dropping the dog off in Houston at the grandparents and heading to Louisiana to go gambling. We've both been jonsing for it.
So, you might not hear from me until Monday, we'll see. UPDATE Well, I got a 5% raise and I assume a new title. So I'm going to be happy with that and hope it's just the start of a really nice weekend.
Casinos are not for optimists
(2002-09-30)
Happy Monday. Just another harmless oxymoron.
Except for the losses to my bank account, it was a pretty good weekend. I finally realized that casinos are no places for optimists. You cannot keep giving them your money in hopes that sometime soon they'll give you some of theirs. I won't go into analogies about school bullies, but that would feel appropriate.
Friday night was fun. We're trying to get a poker night started, out of about six women who are interested, one couple showed up. That was good though because Nerdstar and I have never played, so it was a nice setting to learn the ropes in. We had fun. The couple who came over have been together about five years, they were both previously married and both have kids from those marriages. I can't imagine the upheaval and change and such that they've gone thru. They were great to hang with for a while.
Saturday we got up ass early and drove to Houston to drop off Ramen at the grandparents, then went on to the casino. About midnight we had given them all the money we could, gave up, and drove the three hours back to Houston and slept for a while.
Nerdstar was glad to spend a little time with the grandparents. We did lunch and grocery shopping. Then it was the three hour drive back to Austin.
We brought Little Man back with us. Silly was getting really listless without him. Pets shouldn't be so complicated. Little Man looked a lot healthier after a few weeks with the grandparents. And the grandparents liked having him there. But Silly, Nerdstar and I missed him. It's amazing how cats refuse to adapt. Having Ramen has really stressed them out. While I knew it would, I didn't think it still would six months later.
Ok, so is it us or is the Sopranos boring as hell this season??
Michael Franks induced melancholy
(2002-10-01)
I suppose it's the absolute best of writers who can making the boring interesting. Unfortunately for you, I'm not the best of writers. I'm the beth of writers. ha ha ha ha (amazing how fast I can prove my point)
Now that that's out of the way.
I'm listening to a couple of cd's by Michael Franks. He's from way way back, like back in my late high school, early college years. Back in my first girlfriend years. It's bringing a little melancholy to my afternoon. He's such a romantic. And while Nerdstar has many many fine qualities, being romantic isn't usually one of them. So I'm reminded of the excitement and insanity of that first romance/relationship with another woman.
Sigh.
Daily Reading
(2002-10-03)
I don't think "news junky" is exactly the right term. I'm more of a website/blog junkie. Every morning I read all of the sites I've got linked up there, plus a few random others, depending on who's linked what each day. I read Druge to get a quick look at potential big/amusing stories. I read Lucianne to get a feel for the news all over, and for new stories that are amusing from other cities. I read The Corner for the banter and witty insights. Instapundit has great links (his specialty!) Then there's always Cubiclegirl and Partygirl for fantastic personal writing.
All of these things were/are my inspiration, yet I don't feel like I quite match any of them. I don't have the ability I'd like to have for political/social commentary. I try sometimes, but I'm not sure I ever succeed. And the personal stuff on here, well, really, who cares?
But, this is my little site, for my own personal amusement. Those of you who read along are great - input is always appreciated!
So, on a serious note is this article: Linking Oklahoma City to 9/11 One thing I constantly wish for is truth in politics and news. Why can't anyone in politics ever just come clean and tell it like it is?
On a lighter note:
LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.
More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:
"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"
Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.
People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:
PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."
Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.
TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, jackass?"
Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:
A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'
"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'
Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
"He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'
"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'
Death earned big laughs in Scotland:
"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:
"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
"The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
"The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
"The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."'
The survey revealed other fun facts:
-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.
-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.
-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."
Researchers said no one ever found it funny.
The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk
Survivor, Democrats and Child Support
(2002-10-04)
Watching Survivor last night was like watching the news lately. The best line of the show was Robb saying, "we would have won if it weren't for those damn rules." I busted up laughing because he sounded EXACTLY like the democrats!! But the whole point of any competition - sporting, politicial, etc. is winning by playing by the rules. The analogies between his team losing the reward challenge and the democrats in New Jersey are endless - and amusing. George Will says something similar. As for Ghandia, omg what a bitch. And with that one sentence I can probably piss off every feminist who reads this. Because somewhere along the way the golden rule became - the woman is never wrong, the man is always wrong. I have no idea what actually happened that night, and I know the show is heavily edited. But, just from the conversation they had the next morning where he apologized, and she was ok with that then, then she later completely misrepresented the facts and him - that's just wrong. How sad that she decided to be the victim instead of being "bigger" than that.
I think she made women look bad. Karen at Pulpfriction makes the point much better than I. Also in the news lately has been legislation trying to make it so that if a man is proven thru testing to NOT be a kid's father, he doesn't have to pay child support for that kid. And it's simply beyond my comprehension that this is even necessary legislation - much less that in several states (I think it's several states, I know it's in California) the legislation ISN'T passing. They're saying that if the man's name is on the birth certificate nothing can override that - not even DNA tests. So DNA testing can get you off of death row or out of jail, but it can't release you from paying child support for a kid that isn't yours. That's messed up.
Between being taken to the cleaners in a divorce, paying child support for kids that aren't theirs and other such things, it's amazing that any man out there is willing to ever get married or have kids.
(2002-10-07)
It was a nice, quiet, relaxing weekend. Friday night we watched a movie called Lost and Delirious. It started out all nice and got darker and darker. Why can't a movie about young women lovers at a boarding school have a happy ending? Saturday morning we took Ramen to the park again. He ran and ran and ran, and had everybody there pet him, and chased other dogs around, and ran some more until an hour later he came and sat by us exhausted. Every once in a while he'd come by and make sure we were still there, but mostly he couldn't have cared less.
Saturday night we watched Panic Room and Death to Smoochy on dvd. I could have lived without either one. Oh well.
Sunday we ate some lunch, bought some groceries and that's about it. Nice and lazy!
This would pretty much sum up my politics SouthPark Republicans
The Other Reparations
(2002-10-09)
This is one of those entries where as I was writing it my computer froze and I lost it. That doesn't happen often, but the times it does I always tell myself I should start writing these in Word or something and transferreing them. The other benefit to that would be spell checking. So this time that's what I'm doing.
I don't know that I'm entirely informed on slave reparations, but I've watched a few news debates about it, read a few articles and such. The other night I saw a news story about this stuff in Chicago. So I was happy this morning to find this The Other Reparations. I think you can tie in the whole idea of compensation for loss or harm of both person and property. While I'm sure there are appropriate amounts for compensation, I don't think we generally find them. The amounts of money given to victims of 9/11 seems outrageous to me. I can't really argue with the money that came from people's donations - I completely agree people can do whatever they want with their own money. But I don't think it was necessary for the govt. to add to that pile. (No, they shouldn't have bailed out the airlines either.)
When you get into the topic of slave reparations there are even more problems. The first being, who exactly qualifies as descendants of slaves to receive these reparations, do you just have to be 1/64th black or something like that? One of the great things about this country is that we're becoming more and more racially mixed, as the last census clearly shows.
The other issue is who is going to actually pay the reparations? How funny that the article linked above talks about how the Democrats were fighting emancipation and it was the Republican party that achieved it.
I think it's a money/power grab by people who truly are exploiting black people today.
One in five?
(2002-10-10)
Andrew (linked above) has this blurb on his page:
"ONE IN FIVE? Gallup has just released a poll that finds that Americans believe that one out of five people is homosexual. What to make of this bizarre finding? Even the most desperate boosters of gay rights place the upper limit at around 10 percent; for what it's worth, I incline more to the 2 - 3 percent figure, but no one knows for sure. So why the exaggeration? I think it's part of the phenomenon whereby straight people say that gay people keep talking about the subject. We don't. It's just that straights are still uncomfortable and notice very clearly when the subject comes up. When I was editing The New Republic, for example, we made an effort to include gay stories the same way we'd include any newsworthy or controversial subjects. But some readers thought that by mere inclusion of gays at all, we'd become a gay magazine. I remember being told by another journalist that TNR had run four gay cover-stories in a year. We'd run one. The exaggeration of the size and power of tiny minorities - mainly gays and Jews - is, in fact, a common feature of social and psychological fear of the other. That's what we're picking up in this poll. And it's as disturbing as it's out of touch."
I also wonder if maybe the gay community also sometimes believes it's larger than it is. Are gays and lesbians who live and work and socialize in predominantly gay areas likely to view the world as more "gay" than it is?
I know that I tend to forget, but am always reminded, just how straight our society is. When talk in the office is almost always about weddings and babies (we've had plenty of both around here the past two years), it can be very frustrating. They don't realize the privileges they take for granted. Because even gay friendly people have their limits. I have four coworkers who have children two and under, and two who are currently pregnant. I've thought it would be cool that if/when I were to have a baby if I could simply open a small day care in our house and that way I could stay home with my kid(s) and they would have someone they know keeping theirs. And although four out of five are very gay friendly, and seem supportive of Nerdstar and I having kids - would they really let their kids stay in my home?? I'm not convinced that all gay friendly people put their money with their mouth is - or their kids. And that's certainly their choice, but....
Friday Freaks
(2002-10-11)
One short comment on the sniper, apparently he wants to get caught otherwise he'd at least change guns at some point in time and throw investigators off the case for at least a few days. So thank God he's an arrogant bastard who will eventually get caught!
Once again Andrew is a must read today. Here's why: "THAT AD: I'm unimpressed by some of your attempts to justify it. I refer to the political ad that prompted state senator Mike Taylor to withdraw from the Montana U.S. Senate race yesterday. Yes, there was some kind of legitimate argument about diversion of school loan money, but the issue was pathetically tiny. As the Billings Gazette noted, "Taylor denies wrongdoing and pointed to a 1999 settlement with the U.S. Education Department in which no violations were admitted and he paid a total of $27,250 to the federal government and the state of Colorado." I'm also unimpressed by the notion that Taylor's own apparent homophobia somehow detracts from the attempted smear. Yes, it's offensive that Taylor thinks that being called gay is a "loathesome" accusation. But that doesn't mean that the ad wasn't a clear attempt to use homophobia to attack another candidate. I've watched the ad now a few times. The music is really central - it sounds like a '70s porn video. The clips show Taylor with limp wrists fussing over a male model. The final shot is Taylor touching up the cosmetics under the guy's eyes. Please. According to Taylor, plenty of such clips exist showing him fussing over a woman. So why did the Dems choose this one? The final sentence was also hardly subtle: "That's not how we do business here in Montana." I'm sorry, but this was gay-baiting. The real story, then, is how Democrats have responded and will respond. If they do nothing, if they do not condemn the ad, then the next time some know-nothing bigot tries a similar tactic on a Democrat, what are the Dems going to say? More depressing, but absolutely typical, is the non-response of the gay organizations. If this had been a Republican ad, can you imagine the outcry? So far, nothing on the website of the Human Rights Campaign or the National Gay Lesbian Task Force. HRC does have an item condemning Governor Jeb Bush for an ugly joke in Florida - but that merely confirms their double-standards. The locals aren't much better. According to the AP: "Karl Olson, executive director of PRIDE, a Helena gay rights organization, said he believes the ad was an attempt to suggest Taylor is gay. He said he was bothered more by Taylor's reaction. "To me, what's more of a problem is that an adult, an intelligent person, is going to flee from that and not just stand up and say, `You know, OK, so I looked like a gay hairdresser. What's wrong with looking like a gay hairdresser? Let's get on with the campaign,'" he said."
This is a transparent attempt to blame the victim. I repeat: If this ad had been run by a Republican against a Democrat, then it would be front page news in the New York Times and the subject of denunciations from gay rights "leaders." But because it's a Democratic ad, it's a non-story. That tells you a huge amount about groups like HRC and the Democratic Party." (end of Andrew)
Liberals are forever going on and on about the hypocrisy of others… too bad about that damn log in their own eye.
Now for the Friday Freaks as I've decided to call them. Just a few little news stories I've read the past couple of days…
"Roger and Shirley Labelle left to go on holiday in August they did not think twice about leaving their dog in the care of a trusted neighbour. --snip--Once they were gone, a Vermont court heard this week, Fuller changed the locks on their house to gain access, removed $US30,000 ($55,000) worth of possessions - including a small boat - and organised a three-day house sale. Much of the property was bought by other neighbours."
"A smuggler is facing up to a year's jail after hiding two monkeys in his underpants on a 17-hour flight. Robert Cusack, 45, flew 8,200 miles from Thailand to Los Angeles with the rare 10 ins pygmy monkeys next to his crotch. Officials searched him after they opened his case and a tropical bird flew out."
My only question is how in the hell did no one notice the monkeys in his PANTS?? Did he have them sedated or what??
"The Japanese high-tech toilet wars started in February, when Matsushita engineers here unveiled a toilet seat equipped with electrodes that send a mild electric charge through the user's buttocks, yielding a digital measurement of body-fat ratio. Unimpressed, engineers from a rival company, Inax, counterattacked in April with a toilet that glows in the dark and whirs up its lid after an infrared sensor detects a human being. When in use, the toilet plays any of six soundtracks, including chirping birds, rushing water, tinkling wind chimes, or the strumming of a traditional Japanese harp."
Monday
(2002-10-14)
AAAhhhhh... it's 53 outside and raining. Couldn't be better weather. Nerdstar is my own personal heat machine, so I'm always happy when the weather is cool enough to take advantage of that. In the summer she just makes me sweat!
It was a nice weekend. We had a good dinner on Friday and did some shopping at Target. All I can say about Target is thank God for Walmart. Target has a lot less selection and a higher prices. Yuck. Saturday Nerdstar had to work, so I did a little shopping. Still need to do more, but I will eventually. Then we drove to Dallas to see my nephew. Yep, he's still the cutest kids I've seen! His only words are "Yeah" accompanied by a head nod, and "that". He points to everything and says "that" and waits for you to tell him what it is. So it doesn't look like he's in any hurry to learn to talk more. He's got no reason to. We took Ramen with us, Zach likes him! But poor Ramen was worn out when we got home last night. He didn't even want to wake up this morning.
This kind of weather always makes me miss people, I don't know why. I'm listening to Ani this morning "i carry you baby, i carry you around." I carry around way way too many people in my head. I try not to, but they're hard to vanquish.
I'm ready for the holidays this year. Not that I'm going to get all into decorating and shopping. But just ready for the time off to relax.
I don't like the news that says Al Queda is regrouping and ready for more attacks - don't they know it's almost the holidays?? (i'm afraid they do and want to disrupt them.) Maybe they all just need to be strapped into chairs like in Clockwork Orange and be made to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" and "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" (original, not remake) over and over until they break down in tears and want to play Santa to orphans!!
Not Much To Say
(2002-10-15)
I don't have much to say. Listening to more Ani, you know, cuz the concert is Sunday *grin*!!
So the World Series will be in Cali this year, that may be better than all New York, I'm not sure. The last time S.F. was in the World Series there was a big bad earthquake, let's hope that doesn't happen again!
The shootings in the DC area are starting to make me really really sad. It was just about bedtime last night when I caught the news of the latest shooting - I guess it struck me more because I was feeling relieved that no one got shot yesterday.
I read this And Then What the other day and decided to finally link it. I think it's the second entry. I was thinking a lot of it, but was too lazy to find all the links she found.
Something else I read the other day is finally making it's way in here:
"The Only Thing to Fear Is Failure Itself"
The problem with democracy, it has been noted many times before, is that it usually gives The People exactly what they ask for.
The problem with The People is, you put them in groups and they often become very, very stupid. The Wave will serve as Exhibit A. For Exhibit B, just take notes on your rush hour drive home from work today.
If you actually take notes in the car, then you're part of the problem. Pull over, take a deep breath, and renounce your right to vote.
Crowds of people are bad enough. Fearful crowds of people are worse still. The German people, fearful of the future, managed to saddle themselves with Adolph Hitler. Thirty years later, Southerners, afraid of change, lynched innocent blacks to preserve Jim Crow. The people of Iran were so afraid of the Shah's rapid, wrenching modernization, they put the Ayatollah Khomeini in power.
On September 12, the American People were very, very afraid.
Do you remember the two months after the attacks? Do you remember how jumpy we all were? They hit us four times, just hours apart. What would they do next? Maybe you slept with the news on - I did. Every time the Special Alert notice came up on the screen, we braced ourselves for new horror. Anthrax? That's bad. What else do they have?
Every backfiring car might be a bomb. Every morning brought fresh dread in the instant before you turned on the radio. Every person in every big city wondered every day if they were going to be the next civilian casualty in this new war.
We accepted the USA PATRIOT act. We accepted the federal government detaining 2,000 people anonymously, and without a hearing. We even accepted seeing Ted Kennedy singing "God Bless America" sober and with his pants on.
If there is another attack on American soil, I dread to think what other indignities we might accept. And not only accept, but demand.
Fearful people often make bad decisions. And the government is happy to oblige them.
That's not to say that we're stupid or the government is evil. It's simply human nature to require some minimal amount of personal safety, and it's the nature of democratic government to give the people what they want. If we can't feel safe in a free society, then maybe we won't have one much longer.
A very wise man once said that if we throw away our freedom, if we renounce our heritage, there can never be another America. Never again on this planet will the political, geographical, and philosophical stars align the way they did in 1776. There are no new continents to find, explore, settle, and to which to escape all the bloody history of the Old World. This is it - humanity's one shot at a new creation.
But we might just blow it if Washington can't protect it.
Be afraid of George W. Bush if you must. But your real fear should be your neighbors, if Bush fails us in this Terror War. We're just one more attack away from trading a lot of freedom for a little security - and getting the neither that we deserve.
With al Qaeda hurt and scurrying, our biggest danger now lies in Iraq. Iran's government is rotten fruit, ready to fall on its own. North Korea is starving. Saudi Arabia exists at our whim. Syria is hapless. Libya is like Italy under Mussolini - loud but mostly laughable. Pakistan is worrisome, but mostly to itself, not to us. Only Iraq has the combination of means and menace to threaten us directly.
A nuclear-armed Saddam doesn't actually have to level Los Angeles or New York to put National Guardsmen on every street corner. He doesn't actually have to spray us with smallpox to bring our economy to a halt. He doesn't actually have to lob Sarin missiles into Israel to blow apart our foreign policy.
Saddam only has to demonstrate that he can. Then we become a very fearful people again, much worse than we were on September 12.
Part of what makes America special is our simple physical separation from the Old World. We have no Kaiser on our northern border, rattling his sword. Our southern flank is poor Mexico, not expansionist China. Enemy warships don't patrol our coasts, threatening our lives and livelihoods. Those simple facts accord us much of our freedom. 9/11 showed that none of those facts count like they once did. So now we must either police our threats, or police-state ourselves.
Most civil libertarians fear what will happen to us if we attack Saddam. I fear what will happen if we don't. This was found here: vodkapundit
Everyone to the sperm bank
(2002-10-17)
Nerdstar and I were both feeling icky for a couple of days, so we decided to get out and go see a movie last night. We saw Spirited Away, the Japanese animated film. It was fantastic! It was so nice to see animation that was not Disney, and that was not computer generated. The artwork was gorgeous! That the characters were not American was nice too! I'd highly recommend it!!
While at dinner last night, looking around at all the people with kids, I wondered just how much those people took having kids for granted. Do straight people take having kids as a "right" or do they just assume they're suppose to? Then I thought that it's not even so much any of that as it is that kids are sometimes simply a by-product of sex. And sex is something everyone enjoys having!! Maybe that link isn't as well designed as has been thought.
Now, before I get in too much trouble, let me say that I don't EVER want to see any society come to the place where anyone gets to choose who does or does not have kids. I'm well aware that my little gay self wouldn't be on any approved child bearing list!
But, I do think it should be a little harder to concieve kids. (Again, I'm well aware that it's not easy for everyone.) I just don't think evolution has kept up very well. It used to be that a significant number of children did not survive to the age of 5 or so. And I'm sure conditions weren't always favorable for having the sex necessary for getting pregnant. But in these modern times it seems awfully easy for people who might not even want kids to get pregnant.
So, I think there should be an extra step or something added to the process of getting pregnant. I figure that if everyone had to go to some sort of "bank" and pick up the sperm that might cut down on unwanted kids. Not even so much that they'd have to pay for it or anything, just something to make it so that getting pregnant was more intentional.
Yes, maybe I'm just being pissy that it's a LOT more difficult for me as a lesbian to get pregnant than it is for most women. Maybe I just want to see the playing field leveled a little.
Then again, maybe it's all being written with a huge smart ass grin on my face!
(2002-10-19)
I don't know where it came from, but I wish to hell it'd go away and leave me alone. I'd hoped it wouldn't stay long and I wouldn't have to write about it. I've got some dark funk invading my brain like I haven't had in a long time. To say I hate my life wouldn't be entirely accurate - but it'd be close. I'm completely dissatisfied with it. I hate the way I look. Mostly I try to ignore my physical being. It hasn't responded too kindly to that. I've found there's nothing harder for me than trying to change the way I eat. I hate that I don't have a better job - that I've spent the last ten years just getting by. I hate that I don't have any friends. Well, I've got one or two out of state and one out of the country. But I've got no one to hang out with, no one to bitch to, to laugh with, etc. It's something I don't understand and have no idea how to change. And I'm dissatisfied with my relationship with Nerdstar - but that would be a whole entry in itself - and that wouldn't be being nice to her.
I don't know how to substantially change any of it.
Asking Too Much
(2002-10-20)
Asking Too Much
i want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
i want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me go, you know
i never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
i want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it go
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i'm tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and i might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who's not afraid of themself
do you think i'm asking too much?
- Ani (of course)
Once upon a time, around five years ago, I had a friend. She wasn't the one who turned me onto Ani, but Ani lyrics were certainly a bond between us. At some point I told her to pick which Ani song was most like me. She didn't get it right - but we both agreed Asking Too Much was it.
She was the answer to that song for me. Unfortunately, I wasn't for her. It's all water under the bridge, or so I've been told.
About six months later I met Nerdstar. You can hit the link Nerdstar and I above if you're not familiar with that story.
Now, Nerdstar is many things, but the answer to Asking Too Much - well, not really close. She's loyal, and patient, and funny, and cute. And she loves me and tries very hard to take care of me. But, communication, passion, and romance are a little on the missing side. And every so often I get to wondering if what we have is enough, is there someone better out there, am I staying for the right reasons. Then it passes for a while and things are good.
I think seeing my parents last weekend, and how much Nerdstar and I are like them set, this off - because I don't want to be like them, not now, not in 30 years. Yet, three and a half years into this relationship, it's not moving in the right direction.
Yes, she and I have talked about all of this time and again. That's also part of what makes it hard - all of that talking doesn't really change anything.
I'm back after thirty minutes of channel surfing. Nerdstar has drill this weekend, so I'm being almost a complete bum. It's probably not helping my mood - but that's the way it goes.
There's so much I'm not saying - don't know how to say. My brain gets stuck. I sit down to type and the words don't come. It's kinda like our relationship is the proverbial glass of water - is it half empty or half full? Now that sucks, minimizing a relationship down to a damn cliche. Guess I'll just leave this there for now.
Tonight is the Ani concert. I'm just waiting for Nerdstar to get home from drill so we can go eat some dinner and see the show. It's just Ani and her guitar so I'm curious as to the song list. I'll tell ya'll all about it tomorrow.
Ani Concert
(2002-10-21)
The Ani concert was way cool. I am so happy it was just her and her guitar! I'm not sure I would have gone if it was her and the band again. I got a photo pass so I was able to stand right at the stage and take pics thru the first three songs. Some of them even came out ok. I'd post them, but I don't have a scanner or a way to post them to this site. That's one thing I'd like to do here that I don't. Anyway. The venue was The Backyard, it's an open ampitheater and the weather was perfect. Almost (?) full moon, clouds whisping by, cool weather. Thankfully it wasn't raining. The only sucky part of the show is her audience. 90% young little hippie icky baby lesbians. They're so obnoxious. I always wonder if Ani gets frustrated that although she gets older and more mature her audience stays the same. And don't even get me started on the patchuli (sp?) showers they all took before the show.
I adore Ani. There's not anyone I admire more. She's brilliant in her lyrics and on her guitar. She's fiercly independent and such. And I agree with a lot of her politics - yes, drug laws are stupid, no there shouldn't be a death penalty (as much as people like Andrea Yates and the current DC sniper tempt me to revise that statement). But I couldn't disagree more with her poem about 9/11 and her views on Bush and America. I don't think the faults of this country are even a fraction as bad as the dictators/tyrants of other countries. I don't think that without our playstations we're just another third world country. I think the poor here have it a million times better than the poor of true third world nations. The poor here (excluding the homeless, which is a different matter altogether) generally have televisions and cars and two or three meals a day. I don't think you can honestly compare Bush and Hussein/Hitler. And would she really rather live in Afghanistan or Iraq than America? I don't think so, they'd kill her for the show she put on last night in those countries.
And while she's going on about the wonderful aspects of trains - is she taking one on her tours - NO.
I just don't understand how she reaches the conclusions that she does. She can rail against the powers that be in this country, but does she really think the people in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestien, etc, are really better off under their current leaders than they would be if those leaders were removed and even a little democracy/free market/free speech etc were allowed in those countries?? Not to mention the rights/education of women.
I just don't get it.
Baseball, the Internet and Commercials
(2002-10-22)
I completely take for granted just how much information I take in on a daily basis reading all the websites I do throughout the day.
I'm watching the World Series - I love baseball. I was reminded how much fun last year's World Series was because of the Arizona pitching. This year it's fun to watch because of the Angel's hitting. Well, and that stunning 20 year old pitcher for the Angels - wow!
I hate watching commercials, so I'm one of those annoying people who changes channels instead. (This really does all tie in.)
I hit the cable news channels, like someone who can't not watch a car wreck in progress. There was Larry King and the America's Most Wanted dude. And in the first 60 seconds I'm tuned in, this lady caller asks about the possibility of the sniper being the missing French marksman. Both Larry and the other dude are like "what are you talking about??" So she tells them the story is on the IP and ABCNews.com. Larry commences taking notes and they disconnect from the caller, make a couple of inane remarks, and let it go at that.
THAT'S why I thank God for the internet. (Well, along with all the other reasons I've listed before on this site.) I read that story (in case you've missed it, sorry I don't have a link, but there is a French marksman who came to North America back in August, took out a lot of money, and his whereabouts having been known since early September), probably on Lucianne.com first and then probably on the Corner at least two days ago. Maybe now that CNN knows they've been scooped on it they might look into it.
I'm not sure which is more torturous these days - all the damn political ads, or the asinine media rambling incoherently about the sniper.
Which brings me back to baseball - what a heavenly respite from all the drivel on television.
Friday Hodgepodge
(2002-10-25)
Before you read on thru my ramblings, go read Andrew Sullivan today - and then read this article Where Malvo came from Thank God these two murderers were caught, but that's no reason to stop asking questions about who they are and why they did such a thing.
It's day 7 of rain, with two or three more in store. The rain is just what I needed this week.
Nerdstar ended up being out of town all week. She's in Army Reserves in a linguistics unit. She had drill last weekend. She got a call last Friday night saying that there was going to be an international Tai Kwon Do tournament at a base near here and could she come interpret for the Chinese team. So she spent all day Saturday and Sunday out there. Then Sunday night she got orders for the rest of this week. She got to come home Monday night, but has stayed out at the base the rest of the week. Hopefully she'll be home late Saturday night.
One funny story to show her sense of humor. A few of the Chinese team members were getting ready and were watching CSPAN. None of them speak English. On CSPAN happened to be some of our military guys discussing budgets and whatnot. She told the Chinese team that this was a special channel and that anyone who wanted to tune in could learn our top military secrets.
Last night she called and was telling me about her day. She said "our team won today." And I'm like, ok is that the US or China? She laughed and said China. I just had to laugh.
It's been nice having the apt. to myself this week. Watching the rain and watching the World Series.
I'll probably stop by Blockbuster on the way home and see if there's anything worth renting. I've also got two or three books that need to be read.
Just another week at work
(2002-10-28)
It's another overcast day and I'm having a hard time getting down to much actual work this morning.
It was a good weekend. Had a little mental meltdown Friday night, took some Tylenol PM and felt much better the next morning - able to see some old issues a little more clearly. Spent Saturday watching tv - not that I can remember what I watched. Walked the dog in the drizzle. Spent way too much time online Saturday night.
Finally Sunday morning arrived, and so did my Nerdstar. She got home about 9 am. We snuggled and slept some more, it was nice. Then we went to have some lunch, buy some groceries. Spent the afternoon watching Emmett break Payton's record. Spent the evening watching the Angel's win their first World Series.
Now it's just another week at work.
A rant about political ads, elections, and women
(2002-10-29)
As a result of not sleeping very well last night, I'm feeling more than a little grumpy today. So what the hell, I'll rant about political ads and the upcoming elections next week.
Actually, skip the ads, other than to say I hate them, they are so annoying, and essentially so useless. Here in Texas it doesn't even matter that they've got a candidate shown being arrested for DWI, from what I hear on the morning radio (yes, I know, it's not good for my heart to listen to dumbasses so early in the morning) they don't care if the man drives drunk and breaks the law, everyone does something wrong at some point in their life.
If voters won't even make those voted into office obey the laws - well, then we're pretty fucked aren't we. Because we know politicans won't hold each other accountable for breaking the law.
And for the life of me I don't understand how there can possibly be vague election laws - especially after the bullshit in Florida. But the crap in NJ and now Minnesota is wack. There's no reason that two years after an election fiasco there should be any loopholes or unthought of scenarios. It's rediculous and embarrassing.
I love this country, I really do, but damn.
On a different note, I've decided that for a lesbian I really hate working with 95% women. Granted, it may be the particular women I work with... but... does the lunch room conversation always have to be about diets, exercise, babies and shopping?? I mean really, do they not know or care about the whole big fucked up world around them??
On an even more unrelated note, I keep considering getting a domain name and having my own little .com or some such. I just don't know enough about the process, and really, can't even think of a good name for it... any suggestions??
Two new must reads
(2002-10-30)
This man is the best writer I read on the internet, and if I read print anymore, he'd be the best there, too. Lileks This is what writing is all about to me, taking a simple, ordinary event, in this case buying a new dvd player, and making it fantastic to read about. Not to mention the nice inside look at a man's view of being a husband and father in unsappy ways.
My other new favorite is BitchPundit Not a woman to be messed with. Smart, funny, smart, and oh yeah, damn funny.
As for me, well, I'm hoping for a little rubbing off effect. Kinda like hanging out with better looking people, or richer people. But I opt for smarter and better writers.
Music and movies in different decades
(2002-11-01)
I watched The Cat's Meow last weekend. It has Eddie Izzard and Jennifer Tilly. It's about a weekend spent on William Randolph Hurst's boat. I love the music and wardrobes.
Yesterday on Lileks' webpage he wrote about music and generations and had a wonderful link to a site where you can listen to music from the 20s and 30s. It was a wonderful change listening to it during my work morning. On XMRadio's site they have channels for each decade from the 40s to the 90s, so I'll be listening to the 40s and 50s today.
I'm always fascinated in the differences in the decades from the 20s to the present. One of these days I'm going to find some really good books about the 20s. I think the 20s were a lot like the 90s - progressive, decadent, naive.
Other than music though, when I get home from work there's not much on tv and Nerdstar gets home at least an hour after I do, so I've been watching the classics on AMC and TCM. It's fascinating to watch the movies made during the 40s and 50s, to see how the war colored everything. Then the other day I watched Chapter Two with James Caan and Marsha Mason. It was such an adult movie, two divorced adults trying to make a new relationship work. Yet it had none of the Sleepless In Seattle sapiness. And I wondered when movies went from being made for and watched by adults to being more for teenagers. I'm not old enough to remember a lot of the 70s. But I do know that movies like Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles and Weird Science were all the rage in the 80s. But, are there any movies made about and for adults anymore?
There are similar changes in music thru the same time periods - and I've seen more documentaries on that than I have movies.
This is something I'll do some Google searches on today.
Happy Friday!
setting up a new site
(2002-11-02)
Wow, I'm trying to set up a new website. Glenn Reynolds at Instapundit recommended Bloggerzone, and I figured what the hell. It was $20 for the first year to register my domain name and $10 a month for hosting. Looked simple enough. That's right where simple ended. I've spent way too many hours today trying to figure it out. They sent a very nice email saying how to get going. They have a great control panel for managing the site. I just have no idea whatsoever on how to get a "site" there to manage. When I try my url it's not working. I've also tried to download Moveable Type to no avail. Now I'm not even sure that's going to be necessary. UGH. I'm waiting on responses to a couple of SOS emails I've sent out. I just wish to hell I knew a web person here in Austin... ironic thing is - there must be hundreds of them :-)
Oh well. It's a cold rainy Saturday, my girl is on her way home from work and we're headed out to dinner and maybe later to hear some music.
Hope you're having more fun than I have so far today!