Beth's Contradictory Brain

Vegas Is Calling

Nerdstar and I have a 7 am flight to Vegas in the morning and we can NOT wait to be there! We try to make it to Vegas at least once a year. There's just no place like it. We'll be playing lots of blackjack and lots of craps. There are buffets to take advantage of. And, we'll be watching UT basketball Friday night - Hookem Horns! It's so fun to watch a game on a huge screen with lots of guys who have money riding on the game. I try to stay away from sports bets, but we'll see what the odds are for UT.

The downside of this trip is not having a laptop to take along. I'll have to put a little effort into finding internet access and checking my email and maybe posting an update.

So, if you don't hear from me until Monday - rest assured I am happy and having fun and with any luck at all stuffing $100 chips in my pockets :-)

This would be a great time to check out all the links I have over there in Daily Reads - they're much better writers than I am anyway!!

Who knew?

I'm a fairly new Buffy fan, started watching a couple of seasons ago and have watched a ton of them on re-runs. Then three weeks ago I started watching Angel.

So last night in the opening credits of Angel a name jumped out at me - Ben Edlund. Hmmm... no, it couldn't be the same Ben Edlund of The Tick comic books - it is!!!

How cool is that?? I love The Tick. I have most of the comics that Ben did, and a few done by others when he quit. I also have several of the animated cartoons I recorded on VHS back when they were run on Comedy Central in the middle of the night.

Frozen Food

This article is about the history of frozen food.

Seemed appropriately random for me today :-)

One more link

I can't very well link to BoingBoing without adding ConfigSys.boy! His "Guidelines For World Domination From The Evil Overlord's Handbook" alone is worth it!!

No words

NASIRIYA, Iraq (CNN) -- U.S. Marines searching Iraqi military headquarters in this southern city that was the site of intensive fighting came across a mural depicting a plane crashing into a building complex resembling New York's twin towers, a news agency photograph showed Wednesday.

The plane's logo and coloring resembled that of Iraqi Airlines, said Getty Images News Service executive Brian Felber, based in New York.

Makes me sad

There was a sad moment overnight on MSNBC. Anchor Dan Abrams was speaking live via satellite phone to correspondent Chip Reid, embedded with a Marine unit near the front. Reid mentioned that the Marines are always curious to get news from home from him after he gets off the satellite phone. Reid said they're wondering "if people are going to spit on them when they get home, like in Vietnam." Abrams seemed close to breaking up by the thought that these men are fighting for their lives in the desert, and have doubts in their minds about whether or not the American people are behind them. Not that any of that will matter to the brats who are going to try to shut down Manhattan today. They are not worthy of the sacrifice those Marines are making.

Found via The Corner.

World Opinion

On MSNBC, Chris Mathews just had a segment with a "focus group" over in Turkey. Naturally, the opinions of the group went against America. I didn't listen to most of it. The "journalist" conducting the group summed it up by talking about how the Arab/Muslim/Islamic world doesn't like America's power, and more specifically, America's arrogance about our power.

I say they can all bite my ass.

I might have a little more respect for their opinions if they hadn't been so willing for the past decade or two to let their fellow Arabs/Muslims DIE horrible deaths and endure torture in Iraq and Serbia and who knows where else. America wouldn't have to use our power if THEY used their limited power and influence to solve some of these problems.

The journalist talked about how the Arab world just does't understand America's perspective on 9/11 etc, etc. And frankly, that's not surprising. There are American's who don't get it (see any article on "peace protesters"). But I fail to see why the hell I should care what anyone in Turkey (or France or Germany, or Iran, or North Korea or anywhere else) think of what we're doing.

I never knew envy was such a powerful, powerful motivator for evil.

Needless to say, this is why I try to refrain from watching too much tv. There are too many good sources for news and information online. (And no, I don't only read pro-war sites!)

Hehe

In North Carolina - Deputies say they seized 82 pounds of marijuana after arresting a Stoneville man accused of running a drug operation that never sold anything less than a pound of pot at a time. Investigators said Jose Ramon Panuca was arrested Monday at his Stonethrow Drive residence.

Yeah, I'd say Stoneville is the right place for this sort of thing :-)

Another link

I've added BoingBoing to my daily reads. It's self described as "A directory of wonderful things" and that about sums it up. Lots of interesting tech things.

Ditto

At Jennifer Capriati's request, the 1999 Outkast song ``Bombs Over Baghdad'' was played on the stadium public-address system before her most recent match at the Nasdaq-100 Open. ``I like the song, and I wanted to support the troops,'' Capriati said Tuesday.

This cracks me up. I just told Nerdstar last night that I've had this song in my head since the day the war started.

Books for Soldiers

If you people are anything like me, you have way more books lying around than you need. Here's a great way to pass them on!

Nerdstar's bday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my one and only Nerdstar, the cutest and best snuggle bunny a girl could have!!

Last night the rodeo was fun. I didn't realize that Terri Clark = dyke night at the rodeo, but apparently it did. That was cool. But the middle age drunk women sitting behind us were completely obnoxious! I never understand people who go to a concert only to talk to their friend at high volumes all the way thru it.

Today is also the one year anniversary of us having Ramen. And as Nerdstar always tells me, life is better with pets!

Taking a break

It was a nice weekend. I knew Friday that if I could get thru the workday things would be improving.

Saturday my parents came down from Dallas with my nephew. He's so cute. It's weird to me to watch people react to him. People really notice him. Waiters like to carry him around restaurants and show him off. It's a good thing he loves people and has never met a stranger. In fact, we worry about him because he'll let anyone pick him up.

We all went to Rudy's for bbq, then to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. Nice! Then we came home and got Ramen and went to the dog park. It was so fun to watch my nephew, who will be 2 in May, run after all the dogs. He has no fear! The funniest thing was when this dog ran up to this lady and then went belly up to get petted, my nephew was standing close, so he sat down and then layed belly up to have his belly rubbed too! Everyone was laughing.

Yesterday we did lunch and Walmart. Fun. Then just kinda hung. Nerdstar and I haven't had too much time to ourselves lately.

I won't even comment on the Oscars. UGH!

Tonight we're headed to the rodeo to see some bull riding and hear Terri Clark play. Nerdstar loves this stuff. And, since tomorrow is her bday I figure what the hell :-)

It's nice to get away from all the war coverage for a while and relax. But everytime I'm driving in my car, looking at how normal everything is, I try to imagine what life must be like in Iraq. And again and again, my only hope is that very, very soon, their lives will be so much better. I daydream about buying a decent video camera and going over there and making a documentary. But I have no means and no knowledge to do such a thing.

Sounds in your head

How cool is this? Woody Norris aims the silvery plate at his quarry. A burly brunette 200 feet away stops dead in her tracks and peers around, befuddled. She has walked straight into the noise of a Brazilian rain forest -- then out again. Even in her shopping reverie, here among the haircutters and storefront tax-preparers and dubious Middle Eastern bistros, her senses inform her that she has just stepped through a discrete column of sound, a sharply demarcated beam of unexpected sound. ''Look at that,'' Norris mutters, chuckling as the lady turns around. ''She doesn't know what hit her.''

Norris is demonstrating something called HyperSonic Sound (HSS). The aluminum plate is connected to a CD player and an odd amplifier -- actually, a very odd and very new amplifier -- that directs sound much as a laser beam directs light. Over the past few years, mainly in secret, he has shown the device to more than 300 major companies, and it has slackened a lot of jaws. In December, the editors of Popular Science magazine bestowed upon HSS its grand prize for new inventions of 2002, choosing it over the ferociously hyped Segway scooter. It is no exaggeration to say that HSS represents the first revolution in acoustics since the loudspeaker was invented 78 years ago -- and perhaps only the second since pilgrims used ''whispering tubes'' to convey their dour messages.

It's a long and fascinating article.

Nicest Army

Even without knowing any military history, I know we are the nicest army in the world, maybe in the universe (we don't know lol). Does the world not understand that four days into this war we could have leveled every building in Bagdad, maybe even in the entire country of Iraq? Instead of giving food, water and medical help to the 2000 or so POWs we have, we could have shot them on site? Instead we're only taking out very specific SH buildings and doing every thing we possibly can to kill as few people as possible. I mean, hell, until now the very definition of war was to kill and destroy. We don't even have a word for what we're trying to accomplish - using military strength to liberate people.

Needless to say, any journalist or "peace" activist or whoever else that still holds in their head the Bush and our government could possibly be the bad guys are just ignorant fuckheads.

Change of Heart

This report is from a human shield who was in Iraq and had a change of heart. Too bad it took risking his life to understand how much the Iraqi's want to be free of SH.

website help

If anyone out there knows an easy way to password protect an entire website, I need to know. I'm trying to set up a blog for my office using Hosting Matters and MT. Hosting Matters can password protect certain directories, but not the whole site. Thanks!!

Friday evening

For the second Friday in a row, Nerdstar has gone to Houston because her grandfather is in the hospital. Her uncle, who is there, seemed a little more upset today. Nerdstar's mostly going to help calm her grandmother down.

This leaves me home alone with boring war coverage. Now, I thank God that war coverage is boring. I just wish that will all the reporters over there we could get more confirmed info faster. I mean, msnbc was doing a follow up to a story that was on the today show this morning - huh??

Yet I don't have the attention span tonight for reading a book or anything else. Odds are good it's a tylenol pm kinda night.

Tomorrow my parents are coming down and bringing my nephew. I've been looking forward to this all week! We're doing Cheesecake Factory for lunch... yummy!

Friday Thoughts

Just the fact that today is Friday has improved my mood. That I only have less than three hours left at work is even better!

A lot of my co-workers are liberal democrats, so I usually just don't even both trying to discuss current events with them. But I was talking with one of them this morning. I think she's one of those people who just read and listen to the wrong sources. She's against the war for a lot of the typical reasons, but wants to support the troops. The humanity of the troops has been hitting home for her more in the past few days, especially since another of our co-workers has two sons over there.

I wish I knew a lot more about the history of wars. But I can't imagine another time in history there were so few casualties in the first days of a war.

The television coverage is also fascinating (while being boring at the same time - which is a good thing!) I never understood the battle scenes in movies about the Civil War and such where the locals would go stand on the side of the battlefield and watch. But now we have the luxury of watching it on tv from our climate controlled homes.

surprised

Damn, apparently a Marine helicopter is down.

Interestingly, on C-Span2, Democrat Senator Mary Landrieu has just put forth a budgetary ammendment (or something like that) to get an additional $1 billion in funding for our National Guard and Reserve units. I'm not at all familiar with her voting record or anything, but this was an impressive speech.

Howdy

A big Texas howdy to the readers from Command Post. Between the bloggers there and the Corner there is some amazing war coverage going on!!

Thankfully there is basketball on tonight. Dallas is playing San Antonio, and then there's always the beginnings of March Madness. With all the up to the minute war coverage online, it's kinda hard to watch the news - it seems old and redundant.

We're over 24 hours into this and there are no reported Coalition casualties - that's amazing and I thank God for it.

Didn't the first Gulf War start on a Wednesday night? I find that interesting.

That's it for me tonight. Gonna pet the pets and wait for my girl to get home to snuggle.

Here's to another casualty free 24 hours!

Liberators

This from a British commander:

He said: "We go to liberate not to conquer. We will not fly our flags in their country. We are entering Iraq to free a people and the only flag which will be flown in that ancient land is their own. Show respect for them.

"If someone surrenders, ensure that one day they go home to their family. The ones who wish to fight, well, we aim to please." As the men listened in silence, the dying minutes of a day-long dust storm giving added drama to his address, Lt Col Collins reminded them they were a band of brothers. He said: "If you harm the regiment or its history by over-enthusiasm in killing or in cowardice, know it is your family who will suffer. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down through history. We will bring shame on neither our uniform or our nation."

There's more, go read it!

BBC Site

The BBC has a site that is being updated by their reporters over in Kuwait and Jordan and such. Give it a look!

WarBlogCorner

Command Post site is a collection of bloggers trying to stay on top of all the info out there.

Feeling Solemn

Once again, I'm still finding it so very strange how I've been reacting to the past couple of days in exactly the same way I felt after 9/11. This morning I'm all serious and somber and having a very hard time being patient with people who aren't feeling the same way.

Last night I watched Angel. Seems I keep starting to watch a tv series toward the end of them. But wow. Way cool show. Thankfully there are dvds I can go back and watch from the beginning. Survivor was a nice distraction as well. I tried not to watch too much news, because there really wasn't anything to watch. Endless speculation just wears me out. I think that's why I like reading my news instead - it's not as repetitive.

It struck me as really strange to watch the live shots of Bagdad in the time between the end of the 48 hours and the presidents speech. To see the sun coming up halfway around the world. But the oddest thing was seeing cars on the roads there, and even people out walking around. I mean, where in the hell were those people going?? It's not like the stores were open.

After the speech I just went to bed. Because it was daytime over in Bagdad I didn't expect much to happen over night. Nerdstar wasn't home from work yet. I layed in bed and prayed. I actually felt peaceful and fell asleep for a few minutes.

I try to imagine what it must be like to live in Bagdad this week. I've read several times that there are many Iraqi's who are waiting for liberation. I hope it comes quickly for them.

A liberal not against the war

This war is about saving American lives. Is that such a bad thing? By Pamela Bone.
Here's an exerpt: Some people have asked me how, coming from the left (I've never made any secret of that), I can take a stance condoning war. I know the liberation of the people of Iraq is not the reason America and its allies are going to war. But nor is the war "all about oil", or about George Bush's "daddy". It is not even a crusade to impose American values and culture on the rest of the world - they don't need to have a war to do that. It is overwhelmingly about saving Americans. It's about trying to ensure the next September 11 does not involve millions, rather than thousands, of deaths. It seems to me this is a legitimate goal too.

The other is the rise of terrorism, and in particular, the suicide bomber. The world has no deterrent against people who want to die. There may be no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda. But on the one hand, there are al-Qaeda terrorists who have said their ambition is to get weapons of mass destruction. On the other hand, there is Saddam, who has such weapons. There is demand and there is supply, and the rules of capitalism say they usually meet.

Comparing Feminism

Here's an interesting look at how American feminism compares with Islamic feminism. A small exerpt:

1) Most Islamic feminists base their demand for equality upon the teachings of Islam. They do not separate themselves or their identity as women from the larger context of religion. To them, the current inequality results from a misinterpretation of the Koran.

Western feminism rests on the concept of patriarchy — the class system of male domination and female oppression. The traditional family and family roles are considered to be basic building blocks of patriarchy. This leaves little room for liberated women to embrace men or the family structure.

Very interesting stuff!

Damn, Buffy is another re-run. Yes, it's a fantastic episode, and maybe the "people in chage" are running this one again to remind us of stuff before they get on with it. But damn, it's still a re-run.

Last night Ramen was funny. First, Silly was outside the fence to the tiny back yard, and Ramen ran out there barking at her like he was protecting his house from this mean old cat. Problem is, she's his cat. I've tried and tried to explain to him that Silly and Little Man are his cats and he really should be nice to them. But because they won't play chase with him, I don't think he likes them much. So I yelled at him to be nice and explained to him that if I ever have to make a choice between making the cats happy and keeping him, he's going to go live with grandma! Not too much latter, I went into the bedroom to get something and he followed me in there and went to bed. It was like he was all sad so he called it an early night! Yep, life with pets is good - or so I'm told!

Rant time. Remember how everything was supposed to be different at 9/11. It was "the death of irony", there would be no more partisan politics, etc. etc. etc. I guess I'm kind of feeling all of that again. I'm losing patience with "trivialities" and politics and bullshit. If I'm ever world dictator, rule #1 is going to be honesty in all things. Can you imagine what business and politics would be like if they all had to state their true intentions?

pause

I don't know how to express what I'm feeling. All the shit going on these days isn't about politics, it isn't about patriotism or anti-americanism, or opinions and censorship. It's about freedom and safety and a better world.

What's happened in this world in the past fifty years that we can't see a damn thing clearly anymore?? Was it really Vietnam that changed this country so much? How can the "american psyche" really be stuck like that?? Maybe it's not, but the talking heads sure are.

I guess my irony is that even as I call this site "beth's contradictory brain" all I ever want is truth and absolutes. I don't want shifting shadows, I want things to be plain and clear.

Well fellow readers - what's your take on all of it?

After the speech

Well, here we go. My chest has felt tight all day today. I guess this is what anxiety feels like. In some ways it was good that work was swamped today. On top of the phones being busy as hell, one of my coworkers was out today. It kept me from obsessing all day.

I know it gets said time and time and time again, by so many people. But this tightness in my chest is all about 9/11 and some deep fear that something like that can happen again in the next few days or weeks. Every time I log onto my computer and check Drudge, or turn on the tv to check the news, I kind of hold my breath and hope that there aren't buildings on fire, that I don't see gas masks on first responders in LA or Chicago or Dallas. 9/11 and the months that followed are seared in my heart and mind in ways I can't explain or articulate. Even after the time that has passed, I still tear up so much more easily than before that day. And that's just the one tangible after affect.

So I have to hope and pray and trust that my government feels that searing so much deeper than I can imagine. And that from that, they honestly are doing what they see as necessary to prevent such horrible things not only from happening here, but also in the rest of the world.

Other than another terror attack here in the U.S., Nerdstar and I really fear biological and chemical attacks on our troops. She just missed being in the army for Gulf War I, but she has seen the affects of the Gulf War Syndrome. And we both know this time could be even worse.

But I truly believe the risk of doing nothing is greater. And I'm proud to live in a country that is not content to seal our borders and disengage from the rest of the world, but is willing to send our loved ones to liberate people in other parts of the world.

I've read some pro-war writers' blogs today and they've wondered if the divide between pro-war and anti-war is too deep for friendships to survive. There are a lot of blogs I read every day, mostly thru DykeWrite, that are so sternly anti-war. I just can't understand that position, as I'm sure they can't understand mine. Only time will tell if the course our government is on is the right one.

I'd give anything to know what the world will look like in five or ten years. I believe the world will be a different place. Again, I can only hope and pray it's different for the better.

SARS info

This respiratory illness stuff still sounds pretty scary to me. Check it out.

Unpredictable

You just never can predict what's going to happen next in this life. Last night I knew Nerdstar wouldn't be getting back to Austin until late, so I decided to go hear some live music, afterall, it is SXSW weekend. On the way to the club, I almost ran into a car that turned right in front of me in an intersection even though I had a green light. It took me forever to find the club. But, it was an event sponsored by GoGirl music and Ginger was playing, so it was cool to hear her again. Then on the way home another car stopped too fast in front of my and I almost hit them. It's a good thing I know how to lock up the brakes and skid on my motorcycle!!

When I got home there were four frantic messages from Nerdstar. She said something terrible had happened, but didn't saw what, and that she needed her credit card # (it's put up for safekeeping, she didn't have it with her). In the time it took to find the phone and call her I mostly thought she'd been in a car wreck or something. Turns out her grandpa had a stroke and she had to take him to the emergency room. This is where having grandparents who deal almostly exclusively in cash and don't speak Engligh makes life interesting. Her uncle who usually handles things was on a business trip to Hong Kong (not that that's a safe place to be these days!).

This morning her grandpa is stable and doing a little better considering he's 85 or so. Her sister came down from Chicaga a few days early. She was going to come down this week anyway to make some plans for her wedding. And her uncle is coming back from Hong Kong Tuesday. So, Nerdstar is on her way back here to get some rest.

Nerdstar is really, really close to her grandparents. They raised her for a significant part of her life and she feels very responsible for them. We've been very fortunate that although they're both in their mid 80s they're both in really good health. They don't drive, but they maintain their own house. I don't think there's much I dread as much as when one of them dies. Nerdstar will be devastated. I'll be quite sad, too.

At least it's a beautiful day here. I should be out riding, but I feel more like staying in today. The countdown to war is on. Every day I'll be checking the news first thing in the morning - that's nothing new - but now it'll be with my breath held, hoping the big terrible whatever hasn't happened.

mouth watering

As I type, I've got fresh, homemade, french vanilla ice cream churning in my new Cuisinart Ice Cream Maker. mmmmmmm

Diverse

Last night was one of tv watching diversity for me. There's the obligatory news (I'm trying to cut down!) Then it was UT basketball. OMG what a horrible game they played. They got spanked by an unranked team. That's why as much as I like to gamble, sports betting is not for me! We cancelled our HBO since we hardly watch it. Six Feet Under just isn't going to hold my attention this season, and The Sopranos b.s. going on while shooting now seems silly. So I decided to go thru all the chanels and see what's out there. I ended up watching "The State of the Black Church" on one of the religious chanels. It was a conference, moderated by Travis Smiley, with a panel of Black preachers. They talked a lot about the mega churches and stuff like that. It was really interesting.

Today I went and got my motorcycle and some lunch. It's a beautiful day, but a little chilly on the bike. I came home to get a jacket, but haven't gone back out to ride yet. I'm feeling lazy. But maybe ice cream is calling me enough that I'll go ride and get some.

Life is good today.

Outta here

I've got five minutes left at work. Nerdstar went to Houston today to see her grandparents. Sadly, her grandparents will be more happy to see Ramen than her these days. Just imagine if it was a real grandchild :-)

Me, well, I'm going to go get my motorcycle out of the garage I've had it stored in. Ice cream is definitely in my plans for the next 48 hours. Other than that we'll see where life takes me.

Have fun!

How Fun

How fun would this be?? Two men are trapped on the roof of a bank and are throwing money down on to the street in London, police said. Scotland Yard said the men who attempted to rob the bank are throwing objects, including money, from the roof of the NatWest bank on Tooley Street.

Sick

This story makes me totally ill. The American Civil Liberties Union is challenging officials at Little Rock, Ark.'s Jacksonville Junior High School over what it says is repeated punishment of a 14-year-old student for being openly gay. I cannot imagine being a teacher in that school, or a student either really. Well, ok, I can understand the students who harass gay students, I think they're evil, but I understand it (gays, geeks, different = being picked on). I can in no way understand how adults can harass and embarass and so on a student in their care. Every administrator and teacher who did this and allowed it to happen should be fired. Unfortunately, I have a feeling their feelings are just a reflection of the community at large.

It's just sad.

From the front lines

Kevin Sites is a reporter from CNN covering the front lines of Iraq on his blog. Check him out.

Predictable

I think I've discovered the major downfall of being a news junkie. After a while it all gets to be way, way too predictable!

Gas prices have been high for a while, so it occured to me that naturally there will be commentaries about the 1970s and how the gas shortages brought about the smaller "fuel economic" cars and how this just might finally be the end of the evil SUV. So sure enough, on MSNBC's website (no link from me) there was a story about gas prices and people switching from SUVs.

Then with this whole Elizabeth Smart thing, and the idea of being brainwashed, it's all back to Patty Hurst. So who did I see on one of the talking head cable news shows - naturally, Patty Hurst herself. Nope, couldn't see that coming.

I suppose the E. Smart thing should be a welcome relief from war war war war... but somehow it's just not.

For giggles, there's also the new Gap stretch pants commercials. Ummm... yeah, like anorexics need their pants to strecth??

Today at work was better. Hopefully we'll get the greenlight on the office blog soon. That will be fun!

Work and Blogs

After my work related rant yesterday, it's interesting to read this article today about various experiences different bloggers have had being fired by employers.

Only one co-worker has known about this site, and she quit working here several months ago. But, it has been tricky in trying to sell my co-workers on an office blog without outright stating that, look, I have one of these things, I know what I'm doing! And it's not like it'd be all that hard to find my site if looking for it! Then again, maybe it's one of those too obvious kinds of things, I mean, how many people have their name as their url??

Anyway. From day one I just had to decide that if someone found this site on their own, then so be it. I can't worry about it.

Round and Round

Wow, it's great that they found Elizabeth Smart alive. But I can't help but wonder (before much info is being released) how a 14/15 year old girl could be kept against her will for nine months by some sort of homeless preacher man?? Hmmm

Work was funky today. We've had several changes in the past few months. Our office manager's resignation, as well as the retirement of her boss about six months ago, has led to "reorganization". That's all good. But a lot of days I feel unappreciated and underpaid and underutilized. So when there's been word of restructuring how phone calls are handled - making it more organized instead of willy nilly - I was hoping to have some input and such. I mean, for two years I've been the main person answering the phones and routing calls. Today I found out that someone else will be heading up that project. Also in the same meeting, it was announced that an internal website would be developed to facilitate communication.

I was pissed. Not only was I passed over, but it appeared my idea was going to be handed over to someone else. So after the staff meeting, I went in and talked with my boss. I was visibly frustrated.

For about the first nine months or so I had this job things were fantastic. I thought I was making friends on top of doing a great job. Then things kinda started to unravel. I found out the hard way I can't trust some of my coworkers. It made my work environment very icky for me, which made me kinda cranky. Then I had some districts complain that I was mean to them (I concede that point, they're stupid and I'm mean - so be it!) Then I didn't get a promotion I wanted. I think I've covered those things previously in my writings.

Anyway. Today my boss was nice to say that she knows I could have done a good job on the new project, but the other person just has better people skills. Fine. The good part was that she said I'll have a big part in the internal web site development. About five weeks ago I pushed really hard for someone to find me some server space so MT could be installed and then it would only take me about two days to set up a fantastic office blog. In this big of a company that was too complicated. (don't ask - it's all very stupid!) So I have no idea what direction they're looking at going to have an intranet site.

I guess I'm writing all this to say that vicious cycles just suck. I'm no good at masking how I feel. For almost a year and a half at work it goes back and forth, I get frustrated with how things are run, it makes me bitchy at work, which makes me get passed over for shit, which makes me bitchy at work.

And when life outside of work is just as frustrating and complicated, well, it's fuel for the fire I guess. I'm sure life would be simplier if I were a happy-go-lucky person, but I'm not.

That's my day. Fifteen days till Vegas!!

Reads like an infomercial

I haven't been sleeping too well lately. At the end of last week I was taking half a tylenol pm before bed. I love those things because I have movie like dreams all night when I take them! Then over the weekend, I didn't take any, but all night I was either dreaming or my thoughts were racing so much it was hard to tell the difference. Then last night I woke up in the middle of the night kinda panicked about the war and such. The only good thing is that in all of this, I still haven't felt too sleepy at work. And that's good because it's boring enough around here I'd probably fall asleep at my desk.

I was just reading The Light of Reason. Man, he doesn't make me feel any better. I think he takes an extreme view of potentials sometimes, and I certainly hope it's an extreme view, but I'm not sure I'm optimistic. The whole issue of nation building and democracy spreading sounds good. And yes, I think more people around the world should be a lot more free. But I am also aware of the irony of the fact that while our government is "spreading democracy" to the middle east, we also have the horrible Patriot Act I and II. What a sad day it is when libraries have to post warnings that our government is checking up on what we're checking out.

Anyway, go read Arthur. As always, he raises a lot of fantastic information and ideas about post war Iraq, our civil liberties and much more!

White House Press Briefings

The one good thing that came from watching the first two seasons of West Wing was that I loved watching the press briefings on that show. I can't imagine a harder job - thinking on your feet, all the things you have to know, being diplomatic with asshole reporters. I could never do it.

The other day I was so bored at work, it's a slow couple of weeks around here while the school districts are on spring break, I saw the link on Drudge for Ari and started reading the White House press briefings. There is so much information in them! It's one thing to read editorials or commentary, but it's another to read what's actually going on at the White House, the presidents daily events, phone calls, etc.

If you're a news junkie like me, check it out. I also added a permanent link in my daily reads list over there.

Get On With It Already

Seems that Lileks and Michele are feeling like I am, enough already, let's get this show on the road. I'm tired of feeling like everything is on hold. I'm tired of the same old news stories about nothing exactly happening. I'm tired of worrying about the million and one horrible things that could go wrong.

Maybe what's making it worse for me is that Nerdstar and I have lives that seem to be mirroring the world. Lots of going nowhere fast, lots of plans without action. And unfortunately, I have a brain that can come up with contigency plans to the Nth degree.

Nerdstar is starting a new call center job this week. It sucks because one, it's another call center job, and two, because the hours are 11 to 10 monday to thursday. She likes that she'll have three day weekends. But I hate that I won't see her four days a week. We'll see how it works out. If she decides to stay there, maybe I can change my hours so I can come in at 9 instead of 7:30.

I'm also not sure what I want to pursue in the coming year or so. I've put feelers out just a little bit for a teaching job. I can never decide if I should try for a law degree or a MBA. I'm not sure I could pass the test to get into either school. It sucks at 35 to try to figure out a new career path. A year ago I was hoping to be a stay at home mom.

As they say, it's just life.

ABCs

A little Monday morning cheer. A rather sick take on children's abc books. Found over at BoingBoing.

I really do love children's books though. I had several friends who were elementary ed majors when I was at Baylor. I started reading some of the books they had to review and started my own little collection of children's books. I even have the Dr. Suess books from my childhood that my mother saved for me, as well as several other books I read back then.

Ugh

OMG were the Bloggy awards boring as hell. I'd say there were about sixty or seventy people there, maybe. There were no fun acceptance speeches or anything. You'd think people who are supposed to be communicators would have something to say... nope. (end rant)

The cool part of my day was breakfast tacos at Austin Java. Yummy! There was this pixie girl in pseudo grunge attire (hippie chic?) wearing a t-shirt that read "fcuk fashion" and reading Vogue. Uh, yeah.

Not much excitement here this weekend. Nerdstar has reserve drill, poor girl can't even get deployed. I don't want her deployed though. As much as I'm for this war, and believe that it might actually make the world a better place, I am much afraid for the troops and chemical/biological weapons being used on them.

To me it feels like everything is on pause, waiting for the war to start. I can only hope Lileks isn't completely right when he says we'll all look back on this time and long for the good ole days. Sigh.

SXSW Bloggies

Well, as always, thanks to the internet, I was able to get a free pass for today to the interactive trade show part of SXSW where the Bloggy Awards are going to be presented today. I've got an hour and a half to wait. What really sucks is that the people who have websites that I read don't have the name of their website plastered in big bold letters across their chest (especially the women bloggers!). So, if by some strange chance you read this entry this afternoon up until the awards are over, I'm the chick in the purple shirt and tan cordoroys.

Guess I'll save the rest for later!

Pro Choice For Men

The following is an exerpt from Bodies in Motion and At Rest that I couldn't agree with more:

...although I am encouraged and inclined to march in favor of a woman's right to choose a safe, legal and affordable medical procedure to abort her maternity, where are the women who will march with me to uphold the rights of my sons and their sons in the matter - to choose a safe, legal and affordable legal procedure to terminate, for reasons that range from good to not so good, their paternity? Is Choice good for one and all or only one and half of the population?

What would it look like if a million men or so, next year, within twelve weeks of impregnating their sexual partners, were to declare, for reasons they had to articulate to no one, their interest in the fetus null and void, ceased and aborted? What if there were clinics, operated by Planned Parenthood, or a benign nonprofit, where the paperwork could be conducted cleanly for a reasonable fee - these paper "procedures" done by lawyers instead of doctors, assisted by paralegals instead of nurses, the deliverance safe, legal, unilateral, constitutionally protected, the same for fathers as for mothers? Would protesters march in front of such clinics? Would signs appear calling them unflattering names? Would pictures of destitute children, poor fetuses, abandoned mothers, punctuate these protests? If most of us are, as we are frequently told, pro-choice, oughtn't the courts uphold this choice as well?

I've written before how horrible I think it is that even if a man can prove he is not the biological father of a child, he is still required by the legal system to pay child support. I can't imagine why men haven't found a way to implement something like the system described above. But I can imagine that it wouldn't be the "pro-life" movement protesting in front of such a clinic, it would be the feminists. How crazy is all of that??

Optimistic

It must be nice to be the sort of person who thinks this would actually make the world a nicer place!

I am more the sort of person who believes electroshock should be more widely used!!

(why, yes, I am feeling better today - thanks for asking.)

Cool Present

Wow, the government is going to reveal the new look of $20 bills on my birthday - how cool is that?

Geek

One man's take on what it means to be a geek and what it takes to be one. While I dabble in a lot of the things he mentions - I love the idea of gadgets, but don't buy them; I love table games, but rarely play them; I've never gotten into computer games, which is a good thing considering I'd probably die of starvation instead of walking away for a while; I don't collect much, a few South Park things, a few SpongeBob things, and the Ben Edlund versions of The Tick comic books. You get the picture. I'm not a real geek, are you?

A few minutes later...

I scrolled down to more of the "geeks" site - very cool. His "The Evil Overlord's Handbook Tip of the Day" are great!

So what are you waiting for... go check out his site!

Clean Slate

Back in the days when I kept a paper and pen journal I would usually only write when angst ridden. I figured it was the principle of when I'm happy I have better things to do than sit down and write. Now that I do this online stuff, I'm finding it very hard to write when angst ridden. Weird that.

In pondering all this communicating with God stuff Nerdstar and I are doing, I leafed thru some of my old journals to try to get a clearer picture of how that communication used to be.

From my sophomore year at Baylor University (after my breakup with my first g/f), around 1988, until the next time I fell in love with a woman in 1998 or so, I was a completely devote (or at least completely ignored all evidence to the contrary) non-denominational Christian. Those years were filled with a lot of faith, but not a lot of joy and peace. A lot of Christians dream of "saving the world for Christ", or being a missionary, or some such thing. The one thing I always wanted was to be able to have question and answer sessions with God.

There was about a six month period in 1998 when I completely rejected organized religion, embraced the idea of being a lesbian, lost all of my remaining Christian friends, and met Nerdstar.

Unfortunately, those six months are hazy in my memory, and, it was a time I was too busy to be writing it all down.

But, I've known since then that if I were ever to get to a place where I could peaceably talk with God again, it would have to be from a clean slate.

Maybe that's what God's working on now, cleaning the slate between us.

Because really, it's only about really knowing who God is. Because I remain convinced that once I really know who He i