Beth's Contradictory Brain

Average Results

I've been keeping a secret from you guys. I was waiting to see how it turned out before mentioning it. I took the LSAT earlier this month. It's kinda hard to explain why. Nerdstar kept telling me I should go to law school. Actually, I've had several people throughout my life tell me that. But it's really never appealed to me. About a year ago I was contemplating getting an MBA. But I don't really want to do that either. What I want is to have a couple of kids and stay home with them. That's not working out any time really soon. That coupled with Nerdstar's having trouble getting into a "real" career, got me to thinking that maybe I should try to pursue a career and she can stay home with the future babies.

So, I thought, what the hell, let's see just how smart I am and how well I do on the LSAT. I got a couple of practice books and mostly ignored them. I knew there was the one kind of question I'd never learn how to do. (I was mostly right.)

Before the test started I was listening to the other test takers talk about career aspirations and the prep classes they had taken for the test. That's when it really sank in that I wasn't that serious.

So, I made a 151 - which is in the 50th percentile. I got 60 of 101 questions right. Which is funny, after taking it I told Nerdstar and my mom that if I got half of the questions right I'd be happy.

I'm pretty sure that score, combined with my lousy undergrad grades, won't get me into law school. But this weekend Nerdstar and I will talk it all over and see if I'm going to bother to apply. Maybe.

I do know that I wouldn't be doing criminal law. It'd either be contracts and negotiations, or intellectual property law. Something like that.

I thought I'd feel more disappointed with my results, but honestly, I don't. It makes me feel pretty damn average, but that's the way I've felt my whole life.

Cheating

Last night was a late night of Buffy season 4 dvd. It's nice to stay up late when I don't have to get up the next day. I love the feeling of freedom that comes after work on Fridays knowing that for the next two and a half days I am completely free.

Poor Nerdstar was all upset last night. There's a man who's been married 16 years, and a woman who's been married for a year that she's pretty sure are having an affair while they're up at Ft. Lewis. That's pretty damn sad if it's true. I mean, they've only been up there seven weeks. It's kinda reassuring though that she has such a strong negative reaction to it! Sometimes I worry that she'll find someone who treats her better than I do. But really, as I've said before, I trust her more than I've trusted anyone. I'm fairly certain that if she has any say in the matter, we'll be together for a long, long time.

I cheated on my first girlfriend. It was my freshman year in college and she lived an hour and a half away. I'd go see her every weekend, but I was so lonely weeknights. The story is kinda comical. Not long after moving into the dorm that year, I got all honest on my roommate and told her about my girlfriend. I thought she took it well. But, when I got back from being out of town the next weekend, the dorm director asked to see me. I freaked out and kept my mouth shut. Now, Baylor is a true Southern Baptist University, and they certainly could have thrown me out for being gay. Instead, I got lucky and got my own private room. Later that semester, my ex roommate introduced me to another lesbian she had met. The sad part is, the girl really wasn't my type, but she was a warm body on those lonely weeknights. The night after we fooled around I drove back up to see my girlfriend and confess. She wasn't too surprised. The other girl and I stayed friends, and my girlfriend and I made it another year after that.

I'd never cheat on Nerdstar. Even if I managed to meet someone who tempted me, it would break her heart so much I just couldn't do it. People seem to think that ending up in cheating situations "just happens". That's bullshit. It takes effort that is always avoidable. And it's just never worth it.

Current Reading

I love when I find new authors! I judge a lot of books by their covers and titles. When wandering around a store like Barnes and Noble with no title or author in mind, it's as good a way as any to find something good to read. I couldn't have gotten luckier when I picked up Good Omens. I love Neil Gaiman's writing. I just finished Stardust the other night and it was one of those books that actually made my week better. It made me more light hearted and optimistic. How often does a book do that? I'll probably pick up American Gods this weekend and then look into getting the Sandman series.

I haven't gotten the new Harry Potter because I find it just doesn't interest me. I'd probably be just as happy if someone told me the basic plot line. All those pages don't seem worth my time.

Michele does a much better job of Gaiman vs. Rowlings today.

And because the phones are so slow in the mornings when I have to cover the front desk, I'm rereading Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. I first read it about four years ago, just enough time has passed for me to have forgotten enough details to make the rereading interesting without having to want to rush thru it to see what happens next.

Hodge Podge

Mentally I'm always playing "this time next...." Naturally, today it's this time next week I'll finally be with Nerdstar! It's a good thing we're already done the touristy stuff in Seattle, because really, I don't think we'll spend much time out of the hotel room other than going to eat.

What is it with house cleaning and studying that make you get everything done except house cleaning and studying?? There's nothing on tv yet, I don't want to burn thru the Buffy season 4 dvd. I've got a couple of books to read, but don't feel ready to start one. So I thought I'd get a little cleaning done before the weekend. Because, you know, I have such exciting plans otherwise. ha ha ha

I was in the mood for something new to listen to so I thought I'd go thru Nerdstar's cd collection again. It's rather eclectic. I have a feeling she buys cds on a whim. And our tastes in much don't match at all. So, here's just a few of the cds I pulled out to listen to over the next few days:

The Corrs, GooGoo Dolls - A Boy Named Goo, Wynonna - Collection, Genesis - Invisible Touch, Best of U2 1980-1990, Best of Van Halen Vol. 1, Garth Brooks - The This, Erika Badu, Anokha - Asian Underground, James Taylor's Greatest Hits, Vince Gill - High Lonesome Sound, Simply Red - Greatest Hits, Gin Blossoms, and Missy Elliott - Missy Misdemeanor.

Well, it's almost time for The Amazing Race.

Interesting

I like this line of thought by Phil Carter regarding the Supreme Court overturning the sodomy laws could help overturn the military's don't ask don't tell.

Ruling

Wow. The Supreme Court overturned the Texas sodomy law. This is just one step in maybe getting back to actual privacy in all bedrooms. I guess I'm still waiting to see what the fallout from this is.

On the off chance you don't read Instapundit all day, this is probably one of the best places to find good info on the ruling.

Late

Ugh. I somehow managed to turn off my alarm in the middle of the night so I overslept. I woke up, looked at the clock, and it said 7:33. I'm supposed to be at work at 7:30. About once every other week I'm late for one reason or another. It annoys me.

I've got a 10:00 am dentist appointment, so I just told my boss I'd be in after that.

So I've had a nice slow morning. I went and had Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast, came home and checked out my essential morning websites and email. Even straightened up the kitchen some.

Now I'm off to the dentist. I'm a little sad. I'm getting my first little filling. They told me they wouldn't have to give me a shot, it's small enough they can use sand to clean it out for the filling. I sure hope so. I might do the nitris oxide (?) gas just in case. But then I'll feel like a wimp.

Tarrot of the Bloggers

Tarrot of the Bloggers by Davezilla.

The webgirl.

More fun

Dawin Awards get their own website - article on strange news stories reports.

Aren't links wonderful??

Gay Cars

Oh how fun!

I love listening to the Car Talk guys - they crack me up. I drove a 1969 Camaro from age 16 to about 33 (yes the one that needs major help) and I'm sure that all those afternoon spent helping/watching people fix it warped my little brain.

Anyway, the Car Talk guys came up with lists of the ten top gay and lesbian cars.

Lesbian Cars

Gay Cars

(found over on OutOutBlogspot)

For the record, if I won the lottery, I'd buy a Cadillac XLR or CTS and older Porsche Boxter and have a custom motorcycle built that is white and chrome and has my Joyful Girl tatoo on the sides of the tank in that same tatoo blue ink color.

Not much

I'm feeling rather at peace with the world today. Maybe all that wind from riding Sunday blew alway all the sludge in my brain. Maybe I'm still too tired to think at all. Mostly I'm counting down days until I see Nerdstar - 9.

Here's more interesting reading:

BuzzMachine has a great update on Iran.

Eugene Volkh has a great post about Gephardt saying he'd just issue executive orders to overturn things the Supreme Court did that he didn't like. This was an amazingly stupid and arrogant thing to say.

Other than that, I can't say I'm really all that interested in much going on in the world of news today.

Pics

Texas Highway Pretty much the kind of view I was seeing all day.

This is Friendlies, the bar we stopped at around noon.

Considering Friendlies is in a small town about an hour outside of Austin, and the fact that a few lesbians took the place over on an early Sunday afternoon, this mural on the wall was pretty cool.

Unfortunately, this is the best shot I got of Enchanted Rock. So here's a website about it - very cool stuff.

Sunday Riding

Sigh. It's 8:45 Sunday night and the weekend is ending. I must say, it was a nice weekend. It would all have been better with Nerdstar here, but, I'll take what I can get.

Today I got up about 8, went to Rudy's and had some breakfast tacos. (Taco Cabana still has the best ones though.) Then I rode to the other side of town to meet up with the other women riders. It was cool, while we were getting everyone ready to go, this other chick on a bike rode by and saw us all and joined us for the day. We rode about 250 miles today. My arms and butt feel it!! As much as I bitch about the weather, it is good for motorcycle rides. I was smart and wore a long sleeved t-shirt and my riding gloves so I wouldn't get all blistered. I'm a very white girl and am content to leave it that way.

The Texas hill country is so fantastic for riding. We passed goats and cows and horses. Because we had some rain earlier this month, everything is still green instead of a dry brown. There are even still yellow and purple wildflowers along the sides of the roads. The roads are usually two lane winding hilly ones that sometimes feel like a rollercoaster, especially when I could see eight or nine other bikes in front of me like connected rollercoaster cars.

Our first stop about noon was this little bar called Friendlies in one of the small towns we rode thru. Then we rode out to this place called Enchanted Rock. You're riding along this two lane highway with all the green hills around, then you come up on this BIG red rounded mound of rock. It's a ride I'd like to do again in the fall when we have at least a little fall color in the leaves.

Riding has the same affect on my brain playing trombone did in high school. It really slows down the pace of thought. I pondered getting a helmet with a radio or something for long rides, but I really think I like the quiet (well, not that it's very quiet with the engine and the wind) better than music. I've usually got enough songs stuck in my head anyway.

I took a few pics, but haven't uploaded them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Noise

Probably even more than I hate sunshine, I hate noise. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I do think my ears are better than average (great for eavesdroppign!!). When I got home from dinner and the bookstore, I had a headache from the heat and thought I'd sit quietly and read instead of watching tv. Nice idea, didn't happen.

Poor Ramen, I think his running around in the creek at the park makes him more itchy. Which means he's scratching and licking more, and while I feel very badly for him, I hate that sound. Then, my neighbors decide they have to have some nice bass thumping music to wash their truck to (which I think they do daily).

So what's great for drowning out all the noise? Playing Nerdstar's Nickleback cd at very loud volumns. It certainly makes all the other noise go away. Although, because it's always so quiet around here, I think the pets are a little freaked about the volumn.

Yes, this is completely boring blog crap. But that's what weekends are for.

Saturday

Have I mentioned how hot it is? It's going to be close to 100 every day for the next three months. With relentless sunshine. Have I mentioned that I hate hot and sunshine?? I do. I think I react to too much sunshine the way other people react to too much rain.

I got up about 9 this morning to go get my motorcycle tuned and inspected. It was already 90 degrees out. I also went by the bank and got a new battery for my digital camera. Then, I was very, very nice and took Ramen to the park. There weren't too many dogs there for him to run around with, and I think it made him a little sad. And just because all that didn't make me sweaty enough, I came home and weedeated the tiny back yard.

You know the best thing about watching four episodes of Buffy or Angel right before going to bed? The fantastic dreams.

Nerdstar's sister is visiting her in Tacoma this weekend. Eleven more days and I'll finally get to see her!

The rest of today is web surfing, chanel surfing, dinner and maybe the bookstore. Yes folks, it's that exciting around here!

Rambling

Just when I was getting bored with the Angel first season dvd, Faith shows up. Yum. What draws me to her more than to Buffy is the bad girl struggling to be good, to be redeemed.

I think I've said before that Nerdstar is kinda like my sedative - in a good way. But every once in a while I'll flash back to all the years I felt bad and unredeemable. Ironicly enough, most of that time was when I was most involved in church and trying to seek God. I tried so hard to let God fix all those things I felt were dark and unfixable. I struggled with why all my efforts and longings to be "whole" weren't enough.

And at the height of that struggle, I fell in love with a young woman named Caroline. And for the first time I felt no guilt about loving someone. Of course, that friendship ended up being a complete disaster. But it changed me.

This was about five years ago. I still don't understand a lot of it. It was then that I decided to change everything in my life that could be changed. I went from office work to waiting tables, I quit church altogether, and I decided to be the selfish one.

Then, just over four years ago, I met Nerdstar. And even with the depths of my selfishness, she stuck around. She was (and is) the nicest person. And she has put up with so much.

During these four years, the depression has lifted, the struggles are gone. Nerdstar is very even tempered, and I'm more like that than I used to be. But while she's been out of town, I've been trying to come to terms more with the deep underlying anger. And thru all of it, I'm still drawn to want to know who God really is. But I'm also determined to not be sucked in or judged or controlled by religious people.

Sometimes it's hard because no one in my life now knew me five years ago. I don't feel like I'm very good at explaining all the changes I've been thru. And I don't have someone to be that sort of mirror.

Part of thinking about all of this also comes from lunchtime conversations at work. I've worked there almost three years, and yet most people there don't really know me. They have an image of me, but they don't know all the things that go into making that image - or how that image differs from reality.

I'm sure this isn't making a hell of a lot of sense. But this site is all about my contradictory brain - and this is what's in my brain tonight.

Hmmm

Hillary Clinton on gay marriage:

Here's a transcript of a June 18 interview with Mrs. Clinton on the Brian Lehrer WNYC show in New York City:
"Lehrer: The lead story in the New York Times today is about Canada's decision to fully legalize gay marriage. Do you think the United States should do that?
Clinton: Well, obviously in our system it is unlikely ever to be a national decision. It is a state-by-state decision because of the way our federal system operates, where states define what the conditions for marriage, or domestic partnership, or civil union might be, so I don't think that we will ever face it. In fact there is a law on the books, passed before I was in Congress, the Defense of Marriage Act, which goes so far as to say that even if one state does it, other states under our full faith and credit clause of the constitution don't have to recognize it.
Lehrer: But is Canada setting a good example, one that you'd like to see spread through the states here?
Clinton: Well, I have long advocated domestic partnership laws and civil unions, to me...
Lehrer: That's different from marriage.
Clinton: Well, marriage means something different. You know, marriage has a meaning that I... I think should be kept as it historically has been, but I see no reason whatsoever why people in committed relationships can't have, you know, many of the same rights and the same, you know, respect for their unions that they are seeking and I would like to see that be more accepted than it is.
Lehrer: But not with the context of marriage.
Clinton: Yeah, I, I think that is, you know... First of all, I think that it is unlikely, if not impossible, to be something nationally accepted in our country, but I also think that we can realize the same results for many committed couples by urging that states and localities adopt civil union and domestic partnership laws."

You'd think the smartest, most powerful liberal woman could manage to sound just a little more supportive of gays. Apparently not. Then again, I can see why she wouldn't have such a favorable view of marriage at all.

Ugh

This is one of those days it's too painful to keep my eyes open, much less think coherent thoughts. Ramen kept me up most of the night again last night. I sure hope he starts to like sleeping in the bathroom.

I went to see The Italian Job after work yesterday. It was an ok film, not too great, not too bad. I think the very basic story line is because it's based on an older foreign film, and that made it nice to watch.

The other ten people in the theater were complete asshats.

The preview for Kill Bill looks great.

Six weeks

Nerdstar's been gone six weeks today. It feels like six months. She's got another six weeks up in Tacoma, and then the smart money says she'll be headed to Iraq for at least six months. My brains still pretty much in denial about that possibility. My sleep is still a complete mess. Everything just seems flat and boring. At least we can talk on the phone every day - even if she has this odd habit of calling while she's in a restroom. (Don't ask - I can't explain.)

I'm still trying to make good use of this time - doing some self analysis, self improvement. I think I've made some progress in my relationship with God, but I'm waiting to see if it's a long term change. And even if it is, I have no idea what next. There are still some major trust issues between God and I. Really, about the only person I deeply trust is Nerdstar, and that's taken time and effort. I realized after this weekend that I don't even trust my family. I don't trust them not to hurt me if I really share my life with them. The sad part is that I was a very trusting person when I was younger. I'm trying to loose some of the jadedness and bitterness.

Girl's Love

I found this wonderful posts about Girl's Love thru Carnival of the Vanities this week. What amazed me even more was that there are 213 comments left for this one post.

Here's the first paragraph - go read the rest!!

From ages six through eleven, long before I discovered boys, the objects of my affection, admiration, and attention were my female peers. Friendships with other girls provided the training ground for later romantic relationships with boys; they composed the main melody for what would become a fugue of rejection, heartbreak, a relentless desire to please, and the convoluted changes undertaken for fleeting and fickle acceptance.

Gay News

Ok, I don't really have a problem with someone not wanting to take their kids to Disney during gay days, the topic of this article. It'd be the same if Nerdstar and I had kids and we didn't want to take our kids to a place we thought had too many straight people who might be displaying some gross signs of affection. No big deal. But this disclaimer before the news article pisses me off to no end. (Editor's Note: The following article contains descriptions of actual and simulated homosexual activity during the "Gay Days" events, that some readers may find offensive.) Oh the irony. It's just like the one I wrote about where ABC had warning lable before the episode of All My Children with the lesbians kiss. As if adultry and murder were somehow less offensive and dangerous than two women kissing.

Then, doing more news reading this morning (nothing to wake me up like being pissed off) I ran across this article about the Southern Baptists deciding that maybe it's time to be nicer to gay people in hopes of straightening us out instead of the direct approach of hating us into hell.

The Southern Baptist Convention has started an initiative to "liberate" gays from their homosexuality by befriending them and convincing them they should accept Jesus as their savior.

At the denomination's annual meeting, which ends Wednesday night, leaders asked their 42,000 churches to reach out compassionately to gays, focusing on how Christianity can save them.

Yeah, that's exactly the kind of friends I want - one's who are completely convinced my entire being is sinful and needs fixing. Uh, no thanks!

And for my straight friends reading this, please know that I am very grateful for your friendships! No, not all straight people are represented by these morons, but enough are that this kind of crap needs to be pointed out.

On a much happier note, Andrew Sullivan has some posts about Canada and gay marriages.

Fun

And now for something completely different. (I don't care how many times that line is used, it's always a good one!)

Power tools and cds - for those even more bored than I am. (found via Dave Berry's blog, which is enough to keep anyone entertained for the last hour of work.)

Iran

From what I can tell, there are some amazing things going on over in Iran. The protesters aren't just students anymore, and it seems they're really trying for change. This site is by the Student Movement Coordination Committee. This is a list of Iranian bloggers posted by BuzzMachine.

Equal Time

There's a news story out there that the EU wants to regulate blogs and make you give someone you've trashed equal time. What part of free speech do they not understand, or blogging for that matter. I mean, people are already free to link and leave comments. Buzz Machine has a great post about this. And here's Michele's take on the whole thing.

Update:
This is a long entry over on USS Clueless about the freedom of speech issue here in America and Europe.

Hehehe

I'm slowly reading Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere. Slowly is a nice change for me. I used to read books in a day, now I'm trying to slow down and enjoy them more.

While working in Oral History at Baylor, I worked with some fun people. I also learned, and still remember, two extremely silly jokes from that time. One has to do with a kid without a body getting his wish granted. The other is the silly joke about three ropes walking into a bar. (If you've never heard them, leave me a comment with your email address and I'll type them out.)

In Neverwhere, this odd character, whom the author has just told us can't tell a decent joke, proceeds to tell the three ropes joke.

That kinda thing cracks me up.

Blogroll edits

I really hate to delete links from my blogroll. I try to keep a wide variety of reads there, and as I've said before, I really do read all of the sites every day. There are other sites I'm reading almost every day, but haven't linked yet.

But today I decided I just can't stand the homophobia over on The Corner, which I won't link now - but you can find it and scroll thru and read the weekend debate on gay marriage if you want to see why I'm done with them. I don't want to get into a debate on gay marriage here. I've written about it a couple of times, do a search if you care that much. Simply put, I don't get why they give a fuck if I want to marry my girlfriend. It's not like straight marriages are some shining example of morality these days. UGH!!

Then, I went to check out Light of Reason and have finally given Arthur up as too out there. Mostly he just sounds angry and bitter about the current state of the world. He's even gotten rid of comments on his site. WTF?? Isn't blogging as much about the feedback as anything else. And he's going to give up the fight and stop writing so much about gay issues. Again, WTF?? I understand that comments can get pretty rude and such around gay issues. Hell, everybody's favorite blogging philanthropist Dean Esmay was rude as hell to me in recent emails about gay/christian issues. Does that mean I'm disabling comments or emails? No.

Both of these sites make me sad. Got any recommendations of sites I should be reading??

Yoga for pets

Yoga is going to the dogs and cats.
I love my pets, but even if I were enough of a contortionist to do yoga, I don't think I'd torture them with it.

Ani's not for happy people

Ya know, listening to Ani - and right now I've got one of the Living In Clip cds in - just isn't nearly as fun if you're not obsessing over someone, or pining over someone, or are just generally content with life. I was really hoping after she married Goatboy that she'd be happy. Naturally, being who she is, she's actually less happy after all that stuff. But I sure wish she'd put out a happy cd. Nobody writes lyrics like she does. And her voice still melts my insides. Sigh.

Actually. It's hard to find "happy music." Well, maybe pop crap is happy, but I can't bring myself to listen to Britney, Justin, etc. Country music comes close to being happy music - but it's awfully straight. I do find myself listening to it more though. (that really hurts to admit.) I've even got Dolly and Patsy on my wishlist.

What do you peeps listen to that improves your mood??

Cookie Monster

I love this kid! This is my nephew Zachary. He just turned 2 in early May. He's smart, stubborn, sweet, onery and cute as hell. When I was trying to get pregnant I was kinda sad because I had a feeling that my kid would never be this cute - even though Zach looks a lot like my baby pictures.

This weekend, my parents and Zach and I took the Dallas light rail into Dallas so my parents could see how long it takes to get over to this medical facility they have to go to later this month. Like almost all little boys, Zach loves trains. He had a blast! I can't wait until he's just a little older and we can do movies, and the zoo and six flags and the beach! Nerdstar and I would steal him if we could.

Weekend

Nothing like a Texas thunderstorm. Just as I was leaving for work about 4:30 today, this thunderstorm rolled in and I swear it was just like driving home at 9 pm with rain. It was dark and wet!! Thankfully I live very close to work. Now it's all rainy smelling and cool outside. Nice.

I'm headed to my parents house first thing in the morning. I don't have an a/c in my car, and I'd like to arrive before it's 90 degrees outside.

Mostly I can't wait to see my nephew. I'm going to take him for ice cream. :-) I still think he's going to be sad Nerdstar isn't with me.

This will also be the first Father's Day I've been with my parents since probably high school. Weird.

Backwards

Apparently I'm doing this whole blogging thing backwards, and instead of pleading with blog "bigwigs" to link me and shove a little traffic my way, I keep linking to sites that have 100 times the traffic I do. But dammit, they're good sites.

So, IMAO is now over on the blogroll. This Nuke The Moon post and matching t-shirt are reason enough!

Colors

Wow, it's amazingly hard to come up with a new color scheme for this site. I was thinking that the black background might be a little "too serious" and I thought I might try to "ligten up". Problem is, I really don't want a white background. I tried a few other light colors, but they were just too bright.

So, I did a couple of minor color changes. And in IE it all looks fine. But in Netscape - the yellow dates don't show up, and neither do the "new" indicators next to my blogroll. Is there a way I can fix these things?

Any other suggestions on colors would be welcomed too!

Fun with Food

Yesterday, Michele had a post about Octodogs.

Today on BoingBoing I found this link for Japanese finger food fun.

Now you have something to do this weekend :-)

Be Positive

Finally, Friday! I swear everyday feels more like two and it's getting old!

Nerdstar has been a fan of OddTodd for quite a while. She also owns way too many tshirts. So this morning I decided to wear her OddTodd baseball shirt. On the front of it is a picture of a bumble bee and a duracell battery with an arrow pointing to the "positive" end of the battery. I was so happy the shirt wasn't too small that it took me a couple of minutes to figure out what the hell the shirt says. Be Positive.

Then I cracked up!! My coworkers would swear that I'm a mean little pessimist. I think they're evil for saying so. Naturally when I showed two of them the shirt and they figured out what it says, they laughed.

Not very nice of them I'd say :-)

Sarah Dashew

I've written before about going to hear Sarah and Ginger play and how much I love their music. Then Sarah moved out to LA and I've missed hearing her. She was working on a new mini cd that I was really looking forward to hearing, but she just decided it wasn't good enough.

Anyway, this is her site - if you want some really good music check out the store part of it and buy her cds! She has an amazing voice and some of the songs will make you laugh and some will make you cry.

And if you live in LA, check out her show dates and catch her live - she'll knock your socks off!!

China's Dam

Wow. I hadn't realized this Dam project was so far along. I remember watching a documentary about it and thinking it was a pretty crazy idea. To put that much land under water. To make that many people, very poor people, relocate.

Yet the most difficult challenge facing Beijing has been the resettlement of some 1.2 million people by 2009 - the largest resettlement program ever attempted. Many of the 700,000 residents who have been moved so far remain dissatisfied, saying promises of better lives have not been kept.

Then you read the comments of the government officials that basically say "nothing to see here, move along, the people are our highest priority, everything is going a-ok." Uh huh, sure.

Anywhere

Generally people take summer vacations. Nerdstar and I prefer cooler weather, so we tend to do New Year's vacations. But my question is - if you could go anywhere in the world for two weeks, where would you go?? Or if you've already taken that dream vacation - where did you go and was it as good as you thought it'd be??

Life With Pets - Pics

These are pics of the three pets, the way they usually are once I get home from work and am watching tv.

Ramen

Silly

and Little Man - airing them out as always!

Yummy

Tru Calling with Eliza Dushku. Hopefully this will work out and I can drool all I want to!

Out

I get off work at 4 and am usually home by 4:10. That means I sometimes check out Oprah to see what's going on that day. Today was a bit weird to me.

Is Clay not a complete fag? (And I mean that in the nicest possible way!!) I mean, really now. Actually, I guess the question is, does HE not know he's gay, or does the adoring female (and old at that) audience not know he's gay. I was so embarrassed for all those women holding those stupid ass signs saying they love and adore this little gay boy.

And I guess that's kinda my point. If he were out and proud - would the audience he has now, the Oprah one in particular, still love and adore him?? Somehow I think not.

The whole thing just kinda pissed me off. Who's more fucked up in this - the gay artist who won't/can't admit it because they've been set up for a particular audience who just might not like open gayness? Or the audience who makes an idol of someone without even coming close to acknowedging who that person really is? It's all sick.

Oh, and I might as well tie this into Pride weekends all over the country. Wouldn't a few brave - and I do mean brave - famous people living honestly do more than what generally passes as a freak show in pride parades?

I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I were in the closet and staying there meant the difference between every dream I'd had my whole life of being famous and rich and successful or living in obscurity.

I've never been good at denying any part of my life. And yes, there have been times it has cost me plenty to be open and honest. I didn't hardly speak to my parents for a couple of years. I've lost a lot of friends. But I'm me - and that doesn't change to suit other people.

Tuesday

23 more days until I get to see my girl. So, if any of you are any good at making time go faster - feel free! We'd much appreciate it.

I just got my Angel Season 1 dvd, that'll help the time pass a little. I've never seen any of the episodes, so that will make it even more fun!

Poor Nerdstar, she's been up at Ft. Lewis for just over four weeks, and has had to move barracks three times, and will probably have to move again. It's unbelievable how badly ran the base is that they can't even do simple logistics of who sleeps where. I'm proud of our military in the big picture sense. But every time I get a behind the big picture, little picture look at the actual people and procedures, it's a damn miracle we win wars.

I hate when it's lunchtime and nothing sounds good - which happens four out of five work days.

Yes, I'm boring today, but I'm nice and mellow inside my head, which is nice. I'm not concerned at all with the state of the world. It all bores me. I'm just passing time until my girl is back home with me and we can make some plans for the future.

Good Reading

I won't have access to a computer until tomorrow night. If you've been listening to news at all lately, you've heard the endless carping about Bush and Blair lying about the WMDs to justify going to war. Read this nice post over on Instapundit to get a clearer picture.

Calm Weekend

It turned out to be a nice relaxing weekend with nice weather thrown in. Yesterday was relaxing, then I met up with a friend for dinner and we went to see XMen 2. It was better than I thought it would be.

I went to a church service this morning. I won't be going back, but it was nice that being there didn't completely piss me off. I might have had a break thru with God yesterday, I'm not sure yet. But I'm much more calm today.

It's also fun hanging out with the pets. It's hard to feel really lonely with two cats and a dog always around me. My cat is always lying at least on my feet while I'm on the sofa watching tv. The dog is either lying beside the sofa, or behind it. And Little Man lies under the window usually belly up airing out! If I switch rooms they all go with me - even follow me to the bathroom every time. It's fun to watch the cats yell at the dog because he's in their way and they can't get to me. They're all so weird, but they're mine :-) Poor Nerdstar misses them almost as much as she misses me.

Emotions

I posted that entry about Mudita the other day, and it's gotten me to thinking. It's not that I don't feel happy for other people, but I'm finding I am a little more resentful sometimes than I'd like to be.

The best example is this one co-worker of mine. She probably exhibits Mudita better than anyone else I currently know. But I'm also under the impression she's had a pretty easy life. (I could be wrong about that, no one's life is entirely easy, but I think she's been thru less disappointment than I have.) Anyway, she's got a cute little boy and now her and her hubby are having a house built. And I find it very hard to be happy for her and not just completely jealous.

There is still nothing I want more than for Nerdstar and I to have a baby and get a house. So all of the talk at work about all the babies and houses and stuff is like salt in a wound for me.

Then the other day I was talking with this same woman about how hard it is being without Nerdstar and how hard it is to make new friends to hang out with. She didn't seem to get it. She says, well you just have to make a new network, maybe do some humanitarian things. Uh, yeah, right.

My efforts at making friends is sporadic. Every so often I'll decide to put out some effort. Like when I tried to start a poker night. Or this new venture with the women who ride motorcycles. But nothing ever results in a new friendship. (The one exception might be that I'm getting to know one of my readers in real life - and the irony to me is that's a straight man and not a gay woman.)

What I also find is that I'm so very hesitant to put myself out there because of all the rejection I've been thru in the past five or six years. And that shit left me angry and hurt. My mother has a terrible temper, and I'm sure I got part of it from her, and even in my best of Christian days I'd see it flair up sometimes, but these past few years it's gotten much worse. But I can't tell you how many people I've opened myself up to in the past few years, to have them just walk away at best, or turn out to be untrustable. Funny thing is, I'm a very open person. I probably share way to much info with people around me. What you see is what you get. So, at some point I have to figure they just don't like what they see.

Part of the anger is also at God. I feel like it's coming back around again where I want to try to deal with all of it. But I just don't feel like I can communicate with God. So, I want to reach out to people who I think can help me with that. But then that fear of rejection is just too strong. Because most of those people are Christians and I just don't want to deal with the whole gay issue with them.

I guess the bottom line is that eventually something has to give. I can't and won't keep all this anger and hurt. Especially since I want to have kids.

Short Story

Redux - a very cool short story by Chan Eddy found over on Jay Solo.

Word Order Matters

This is how random my brain is most of the time. I went to pick up some lunch, and walking from the car back to the office building it went something like this in my head:

I'm not seriously lifting weights. I'm seriously not lifting weights. Heh, word order matters.

See, I took classical Greek in college because I couldn't pass French. In Greek word order doesn't matter, it's all about the prefixes and suffixes and case and crap. So my best friend and I would always joke about word order matters in English.

Welcome to my brain.

Awww

My girl can be so sweet!! She knows how much I live for chocolate. So, she sent me some cookies and a gourmet brownie mix from Biringer Farms. I guess she ran across their store in Seattle and had them ship them. :-)

FBI & Teenagers

The FBI hired teenage girls to teach them how to pose as teenagers on the internet to entrap supposed ped0philes. I've long been aware of this practice by most of law enforcement to pose as kids/teenagers online. And I know the use of undercover agents of all types has been going on for centuries. But I'm just not sure this online stuff isn't plain old entrapment. It ties into the whole privacy issue.

It's a complicated issue that I'm just not sure I know where I stand on it. I'm too good at seeing both sides of an issue.

Link found via BoingBoing

Funky Friday

It's kinda weird and funky to be listening to DJ Micro at work at 8:30 am - goin all techno in the little office. But, it seems to be right in line with wearing my new little gay Sketchers flip flops! They have black soles and the straps are rainbows. I have gay feet today - with bright red toenails. It just sounded fun. God knows with my girl gone I need some sort of fun. I'm usually way too serious for my own good. Except when I'm being a complete dork in my head.

Anyway. It's Friday and that's a very good thing. My job doesn't stress me out, but sometimes my coworkers do. I don't usually feel like I fit in very well here. Which could just be me being paranoid, or it could be true. (duh) Like I've said, 90% of the conversations are diets and babies. I like my subject matter a little more serious than that.

Oh well. I'm pretty sure that one way or another I won't be working here in a year. I'll have been at this job for three years come August. That's the longest I've worked anywhere since I graduated college in 1990.

Word for the day

Mudita

Mudita is a Pali word that means "sympathetic joy" or "happiness at another's success in life."

In the outstanding book The Art of Living Consciously, psychologist Nathaniel Branden explains that "Whoever continually strives to achieve a clearer and clearer vision of reality and our place in it—whoever is pulled forward by a passion for such clarity—is, to that extent, leading a spiritual life."

Part of understanding one's "place in reality" is identifying what we admire, what we support, and what makes us happy. In this respect, mudita is an essential component of the spiritual life.

Certain elements of mudita are captured in what Branden calls "psychological visibility"—the positive feelings that result from having one's true nature understood, from seeing one's self mirrored in another. Think about how it feels to talk with someone who understands you, who might be pursuing goals similar to your own. Or how it feels even to look at a healthy plant, thriving on sun and soil.

These connections to the rest of the world ground us not only in healthy relationships, but in a healthy life. Without them, we are a plant without soil ourselves.

Looks like Joshua Zader has a very interesting blog. Check him out.