Beth's Contradictory Brain

Update

It’s been good being up here this week, no work stress for me, hanging out with my girl when she’s not at work. The weather has been great, too. Only about twenty minutes of rain last night, other than that it’s been cool and sunny, perfect. I think it’s also made me aware that I really like living in Austin for now. Yes, the summers are hell, but it’s a great city. The best reason for staying in Austin though, is the restaurants. Yep, Nerdstar’s finally rubbed off on me enough that good food is a good reason to live in a particular city.

Well, the latest word on deployment for Nerdstar’s unit is that they fly out at 1 am on November 13th. Unfortunately, she still has no word at all on her paperwork to be reassigned back to Austin instead. But, they have been given a four day weekend. So, we decided to change my flight to tomorrow AND book her on that return fight to Austin and have her fly back here Monday afternoon. Crazy! I tend to worry about the house and pets when we’re not home, and this is the longest we’ve left them. So instead of just extending my time here, since we got a reasonably priced flight for her, we decided that if it’s possible for her to spend some time at home – what the hell. Thank God we’ve got money in the bank to do all of this.

Go with the flow. It’s hard to do sometimes; you’d think practice would make it easier. Not really. I told Nerdstar my philosophy is hope for the best but plan for the worst. Sometimes it sucks, though, always having to be prepared for the worst to happen, it takes a lot of mental energy. I just refuse to end up regretting not doing things later.

Huh?

One of these days I'll find an easy way to record and post a conversation between Nerdstar and I. It would be so revealing. In the meantime, this is a recreation of part of our dinner conversation last night:

me: going on about Anne Rice's new book

her: Speaking of reading, well, this has nothing to do with that, but...

me: huh?

Lucky

At my core I’m a stay home, snuggle, watch movies, snuggle, read, snuggle, take a drive, kinda girl. It was always my goal to find someone and settle down. I never liked going out, meeting people, trying to impress, be impressed. Not enjoying smoking and drinking makes it all harder.

I started “going with” boys in middle school, and never spent more than two weeks without a boyfriend until I met my girlfriend. I’m sure I’ve written before that after she and I finally split up, I didn’t date anyone for at least seven years. There were a couple of one night stands in there somewhere, man did those suck.

Then I discovered the internet and chat rooms. Can you say addict? Yes, I can. I had an 8 to 5 job. I’d come home from work, login, make a quick dinner while chatting, and chat almost all night. A couple of times I was still chatting when my alarm went off to get up and go to work. Can you say sleep deprived? Yes, I can.

I’d spent the seven or so years prior to this having only Christian friends. They were fantastic friends while it lasted. I’d also spent that time very determined to not be gay. It was with fear and trembling I went into my first lesbian chat room. It was also exciting as could be to meet all these smart women and get to know them by their words and wit.

That’s how I met my Nerdstar. (The hookup story is over there – Nerdstar and I.)

(Now to get to what I originally intended to write in this post.)

I can’t say that I ever really, truly expected to find someone to be a homebody with, who would stay with me, put up with me, love me. And honestly, I certainly wouldn’t have thought that Nerdstar was the one when we first got together.

I don’t know how apparent it is on this blog, but I’m a little on the crazy side. I can’t begin to imagine how hard I am to live with. Hell, I get sick of me sometimes. And I don’t think Nerdstar could be any more different from me if she were an alien from a different dimension when it comes to things like emotions and communication and such.

Yet, the best part of yesterday was just talking with her all day. She’s not great at feedback, but she’s the best at not making me feel crazy. There’s nothing like being loved unconditionally. I know I don’t appreciate the full extent of how much she loves me. But I’m learning. I’m also learning that there’s something wrong with me emotionally. I have no idea whatsoever how or when those things will improve. But it’s amazing to know I have someone in my life who’s not looking to leave.

Sometimes it’s scary being 35, being in a relationship for over four years, and thinking, wow, this is it, barring really, really bad things happening in my life, I won’t go thru that whole process of meeting someone new and falling in love and all that “exciting” stuff. I know men talk more about things like that, but I’m sure women feel that way, too.

I’m rambling, but my point is, I’m damn lucky to have my Nerdstar.

Driving Around

Nerdstar had the day off yesterday so we decided to take a drive up to Mt. Rainier. We weren’t able to drive to the top because the road was washed out, but the drive we did get to make was just beautiful. It was a mostly sunny day, the leaves are changing into their fall garb, so driving thru the forest with the sun coming thru the trees was fantastic.

For most of my life I’ve longed to spend some major time in a small cabin by a stream in the mountains, or at least a forest, somewhere. One of my favorite books is The River Why by David James Duncan. Other than having one of the best ever boy meets girl scenes, the main character arranges to live his ideal schedule – composed of fishing about 21 hours a day. It’s all set in this part of the country and it just draws me in.

Nerdstar and I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time driving around this country together. Fortunately, it’s something we both enjoy. It’s such a beautiful country. I’m always so curious about people who choose to live in the different parts of it, what they do for a living, why did they decide to live there in particular. Especially yesterday driving thru the forest and seeing the log cabins. I was so tempted to find someone to talk to about being able to live here.

At the very least, every time we take drives like this one, I’m tempted to find the nearest RV store and just load up the pets and hit the road, finding temp work in whatever city we end up in until we’re ready to move on. But, for now, we just can’t do that.

Optimistic

Being around a military base this week certainly brings the Iraq War closer to home for me, to meet people who will be over there soon. So hearing about the hotel in Baghdad and then the horrible events with the International Red Cross makes me so sad and frustrated.

I truly hope that the Iraqis are getting enough of a taste of freedom that they'll find it worth fighting for. And the reports I read on soldiers' websites and Iraqi websites seem to indicate that to a large degree they do. Because if the Iraqi's don't see the absolute necessity of fighting the terrorists in their county, if they don't see the absolute threat those terrorists are to that budding freedom, well, then there's not much hope then is there?

For now I'm still cautiously optimistic.

Future of Blogs?

Blogs that offer too much of the author, and the author alone, are vulnerable to other blogs that cream-skim them, and other blogs, thereby offering the superior product. The question is not who can write the best stuff, but who can collect on the best stuff, and comment on it most effectively. Really smart people are not always used to these terms of competition, I might add. The future of blogging lies in the hands of those who recognize the intellectual and literary division of labor.

My first take on this is that I don't really agree with it. The two blogs I love to read the most are Lileks (who isn't really a blog, but a fantastic writer) and Michele's ASmallVictory. Because it's not just about the links, it's knowing the person behind the links, can I trust their linkage, their take on things, their commentary on those links. And call me a heretic, but I'm finding myself bored with Instapundit because it's more links than commentary. Maybe I'm just favoring the literary side of the division of labor over the intellectual (or is it the other way around, I'm not sure I can tell.) Maybe I'm not clear on what the best stuff is. Is it news stories from "real news outlets" that us bloggers collect and comment on? I don't need the news collected for me. And I don't think anyone can compete with Lucianne for that. I'm looking for interesting takes on things by interesting people.

While I think things like Carnival of the Vanities and the new Carnival of the Capitalists are usefull, if that's all there was to blogging (a nice set of linkage with no personality behind it), I'd stop reading.

Impressive

Wow!!! A 23 year old pitching a complete game shut out against the Yankees in NYC to win the World Series in game 6. WOW! More than anything, I'm so happy for Pudge. I've watched him since day one as a Ranger, and he so deserves this. WOW!

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Oh, and I think I could get used to having a laptop and blogging from bed. Although, hmmm... that could be a whole different kind of blog. Maybe that kind of blog would pay the bills.

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Another Great Cartoon

What could be better on a Friday afternoon that discovering a new online cartoon strip?

Check out Her: Girl vs. Pig. This is the first in the series, might as well start there!

Or here.

(found via some forgotten link on Michele's enormous blogroll.)

Ready To Go

This time tomorrow I'll be on my way to Tacoma to spend the week with Nerdstar. I think I'll be more excited about that once this very slow work day is over. Everything is arranged, the dog has reservations at the Canine Hilton, the neighbor is going to feed the fish and check on the cats.

I bought two books for the plane rides, I'll write about them later. For now suffice it to say that Neil Gaiman has cost me a lot of money this year. Now that I've read everything he's written, I'm branching out to women authors he's worked with or recommended.

I probably need to do a load of laundry tonight, and then pack.

We have plans to check into the hotel, order some pizza and get naked and snuggle while watching Game 6. Personally, I think that's the only way to watch sports and have been sorely deprived with Nerdstar being gone for six months

Other than that the week will be kinda weird for me because she's still doing Army stuff all the time and I'll be spending more time on an Army base and in the barracks. Her roommate was reassigned back to Austin because she's pregnant, so Nerdstar has her room to herself. But I'm still not sure I want to sleep in the barracks if it's possible for her to stay at the hotel with me. We'll figure out all the logistics after I get there.

Gaping Void Prints

If you're not reading Gaping Void - trust me, you're missing out on some fantastic stuff. Now, he's got prints for sale again. We just have to narrow down which two we want - one for each. Happy Coincidence is the one I want for me!

Nerdstar loves his work and drew up approximations of a couple of the cartoons and put them on her wall in her room in the barracks. This caused a couple of people in her unit to freak out and ask if she was ok or depressed or something. Hilarious. Well, hilarious if you know Nerdstar.

Google IPO

I was channel surfing and caught a story on CNBC about a Google IPO. Wow.

Three years ago I didn't know what an IPO was. Once I understood them even a little, I understood that a tiny investor like me will never get to participate in one. It was part of my learning that I have a better chance in Vegas because at least the casinos tell me the odds up front and aren't doing back room deals to affect those odds. Me and any multi-millionaire are equals at the craps and black jack table. Just because his bets are larger doesn't mean his odds are better than mine. In the stock market a larger bankroll means significantly different odds.

So when I hear the idea that Google might leave the big banks out of this IPO and find a way to let investors more like me in on this, all I can say is WOW.

If a Google, or a similar company can find a way to rethink issuing IPOs, then I'll really be impressed with the power of the world wide web and it's ability to fundamentally change the way business is done.

Related Stories:

Business.telegram

CNET News.Com

CNET News.Com

Strykers

IF Nerdstar is shipped to Iraq in the near future, she's headed over with the new Stryker Unit. I have a feeling John would think those are pretty cool. So far she's not too impressed with them.

Baseball

I've left a couple of comments on Michele's site about watching the world series. Might as well talk about it here.

First of all, National League games are boring as hell to watch. Period. I understand making the pitcher's hit from a tradition stand point, and agree that they should have to hit, just like everyone else. But the reality of it is they can't hit and it makes the game suck. They always end up coming up to bat when the team has finally gotten a couple of base runners with two outs, and they get a stupid third out to end the inning leaving God knows how many base runners on base all season. It sucks. Either don't make them hit at all - or make them be decent hitters just like everyone else. I don't care if they only play one every four or five games, and not even the whole game (because major league pitchers certainly can't be expected to pitch a complete game). Being a good pitcher is no excuse or substitute for being a decent hitter.

Now, as for Fox's coverage of the world series - shoot me now! I had to mute the extra innings last night because I could not stand to hear one more stupid sentence from the commentators. I keep changing channels when there's not an active at bat because the cross promotional crap from Fox is out of hand! That they placed a stupid call to Simon is inexcuseable. That they had the cast of the new series Skin sitting in decent seats was shameless. And on and on and on.

I can't even listen to it on the radio instead of the Fox broadcast, because it's not being broadcast on any of our local stations. (I love listening to baseball on the radio - it's the only sport that translates well on radio.)

It's just a damn shame what they're doing with sports broadcasts these days.

A*L 9.0

"The internet sanitized for your protection." Hell, if they can sanitize the whole internet - maybe we should hire them for homeland security.

Still Employed

I will make no stupid, tired, worn out comparisons between the crazy process my brain goes thru making decisions to either the political or sausage making process. Just be happy that I normally spare you the details!

My bosses really wanted me to schedule being off around the two days of training on the 5th and 6th. Since Nov. 8th might or might not be the go date, I decided I could live with taking next week off, and being here for the training. They said that if I need to rush up there again if she gets orders to leave, that'll be ok with them.

As soon as I hear back from Nerdstar, I'll book a flight to Tacoma for next week, make arrangements to put poor Ramen in the Canine Hilton and for the cats to be taken care of.

No road trip yet, but I'll certainly keep it in the back of my mind for when she comes home!

Here we go

Well, I just got an email from my team leader about meeting with her and our manager about my request for time off at 1:30. I'm going to feel ill and shakey until the meeting is over. It's so hard to plan for what I want to say because I have no idea what they're going to say, and I'm not always very good at speaking on the fly. I'm much better at processing things in writing. I guess if I'm given the option to take the time and come back to work that'll be my first choice - if not I guess I'm hitting the road and seeing where life takes me next.

Maxine - I'm pretty much thinking along the same lines you are - and yes, give therapy school a shot!

Not Worried

The ideas in this post by Mr. Jarvis are why I don't worry so much about 1984 coming to pass in 2004 America. Information and news are no longer the property of "the few" - and I just can't see where we "the many" would ever let them control it. Technology trumps Big Brother every time.

"Right. In the day when we're all reporters and we all carry our all-in-one, super-duper, deluxe everything reporting machines, we'll demand the right to witness what we witness and tell the world about it. For we'll have all the tools we need to do that -- not only our machines but also our weblogs."

Go Read

Cynthia over at Life in the Pink had someone she loved die and has been writing simply the most amazing letters to him on her website. This entry is the first, read it and scroll up for all the others.

I'm sitting here stumped as to how to describe it without sounding trite, without sounding like a review for some new hip raw book/movie about love and drugs and friendship and death at much too young an age.

So, go read it for yourself.

hello again

Hi, this is nerdstar, and I just want y'all to know that I will be blogging tomorrow about the absurdity of our situation. I would blog now, except the librarian is kicking everyone out...it is getting a kind of late. Before I leave, I'd like to solicit some advice, prayers, and good wishes for us, because we are pretty much all going through the same emotional and spiritual toils right now...thanks!!!

Anatomy of a Decision

I’ve written before about how hard I find it to make decisions sometimes. (oh no, not this stuff again.) But that doesn’t stop my brain from making contingency plans for my contingency plans.

I’m still very tempted to quit my job this Friday and take off on the road Sunday or Monday. After a day and a half, I still haven’t been given a decision on the request I made for two weeks off. That’s kinda odd in our office. I wonder if they are worried I’ll quit if they tell me I can’t take the time off (they’re right, I will). There’s an important two day training during those two weeks that I have a feeling they don’t want to give me time off during. But really, I don’t know what’s up.

There is still the chance, though, that they'll approve the two weeks off, I won't have to quit, and I'll take about eight or nine days and fly up to Tacoma.

There are still too many loose ends/unknowns to make a decision tonight, but here’s where it’s at.

Either Nerdstar comes home in the next few weeks, or on November 8 she’s headed to Iraq. I don’t think it’ll take the powers that be past November 8 to make a decision.

If Nerdstar comes home, she’ll either be looking for a new job, or we’ll be moving so she can go back to school. It would really suck for us both to be looking for a job at the same time. So we’d need all of the money we currently have saved to get thru that.

If Nerdstar goes to Iraq, her salary would cover the bills for as long as it took for me to find a new job. And I don’t think we’d have to use any of our savings. So, it wouldn’t really matter in the long run if I were unemployed for a while. I don’t think it would be realistic to hope to find a job in Dec/Jan. I’m sure there would be some temp stuff if I wanted to go that route, but I figure a lot of companies will start to put off new hiring until after the first of the year. (Business guys - is that a bad assumption?)

Like I said in an earlier post. I don’t want to fuck up the future. So I’m trying to really figure out if quitting my job will do that.

There’s also the road trip itself. I’ve really been wanting to take one for a while. But I’m also aware it could be kinda depressing to do that much time on the road alone (well, with Ramen). It’d take me three days to get to Tacoma. But I’d take my time getting back to Austin. Again, either Nerdstar will be on her way to Iraq and it won’t really matter where I am. Or best case scenario is she’d be taking the trip back with me (that's a whole different idea that I'm not letting my brain dwell on).

The clock is ticking. I just have no idea what the next few days will bring.

Oh, and as for what Nerdstar thinks about all of it. Beats me. We've talked about it some. I'm sure she'd tell me to take the next flight out if she could, but she's not the best at making plans.

Site Down

Wow. Almost all day without my site... how weird. Hosting Matters had another massive DOS attack. Michele, as always, explains things rather nicely (no nicely isn't being sarcastic).

Don't worry, I wasn't going to write anything of exceptional brilliance today anyway.

It was cool to check out some new sites that weren't down today.

Several bloggers are creating backup sites, for which I'm grateful. I don't think I need one. I just wish better information was given on the "page not found" page.

Well, I'm off to watch Game 3 - GO MARLINS!

Crazy

I keep having this crazy idea of quitting my job and just driving up to Tacoma with Ramen. I checked out the route Mapquest would recommend, seems doable, 2400 miles, probably three days driving it alone.

Impatience is one of my worst traits. It's cost me dearly in the past. I'm trying very, very hard to wait and see what actually pans out. I'm trying to not fuck up the future for temporary fun. Which translates into it sucks being grown up.

Well, ok, and I'm just a big coward. I'm afraid of making wrong decisions. I hate making wrong decisions.

Site Down

Hmmm... apparently Hosting Matters was down again tonight. It's 9 pm cst and everything seems to be ok now. I haven't read anywhere what happened yet, I'm sure Instapundit will post it when he knows. Kinda weird twice in a week.

Stress

I'm not used to stress. It's not something I usually feel. There haven't been enough things I've cared that much about that I would stress out over them. I guess that's why I'm not dealing with it very well now that it's hitting full force. But I'm sitting at my desk feeling like crying and/or throwing up all morning.

To make matters worse, I keep being a complete ass to Nerdstar. And when it's less than three weeks until she might be headed to a part of the world where there's a higher chance of injury or death - it's just not good.

I just put in a request to be off for a couple of weeks around Nov. 8th in case I need to go up to Tacoma. I'm not sure they're going to approve it, but I have a feeling if they don't I'll just quit. Push comes to shove - I either take the time and come back to work, or I take the time and don't come back to work. Right now I don't care which.

I'm almost to the point where I don't what the answer is - is she going to Iraq or not - I just need to know what to plan for. The uncertainty is driving me insane.

If we're lucky Nov. 8 will come and go and I'll look back on this time and feel stupid. But we haven't had much good luck in the past four and a half years.

Ugh

It's a beautiful weekend outside, but not so much inside my head. Friday night I was supposed to go hear Ginger and Sarah with a friend who's in town on a job project for a while. She ended up making plans with her family instead. I found this out for sure when I got off of work Friday. At first I thought I'd go hear them play anyway. But I just didn't feel like going to do something alone again. It's getting really old. And that kicked off a blah weekend. I've stayed up past two the last two nights, been mean to Nerdstar and frustrated with her.

November 8th is D day for Nerdstar. That's the day her unit is scheduled to leave for Iraq. That's about three weeks away. But because she's got paperwork in progress to be reassigned back to Austin because of her grandmother's health - it's all still up in the air. That means I can't get mentally or emotionally ready. She's saying it's about a 50/50 chance she's coming home, but is acting more like it's a done deal. Me, I figure it's about a ten percent chance and am going nuts. I just don't know that I can handle her being gone for a year longer. Seriously.

And because we don't know for certain that she's going, I can't really make plans to go up and see her before she leaves yet. My worst nightmare is that she'll find out Nov. 6th she has to go and then ship out two days later. I have a feeling that if she doesn't know by the end of this coming week I'll just make plans to go up there for a week or so anyway. I'm sure my boss will love that.

It's all just really getting to me. And there's just not a whole hell of a lot I can do about any of it.

More on Why

There are a lot of great comments on my earlier post about bloggers and why we put it all out there. And while it’s easy to say there are as many reasons as there are bloggers. I think there’s probably a common factor, even if I don’t have a solid idea what that factor is. Are the reasons we read blogs the same reasons we write blogs? Does everyone who gets sucked into reading blogs eventually end up with one of their own?

I blog because I’m opinionated and arrogant enough to think as many people as possible should know what those opinions are. Nerdstar has always told me I should start a Beth Is God Network. I don’t think I’m quite that bad.

So is it all about ego? I don’t really think so. Sure, we all hope to have thousands of readers a day, but we start with a handful and never have any guarantee there will be more. Most of us who have been doing it for any length of time find we’d do it if every reader we had stopped reading. Even on days I’ve been convinced I’m my only reader, I had to put stuff out there anyway.

Rush talks often about the reason people get into politics is because they truly believe they have the ideas and abilities to really make a difference. For the most part I believe that’s a true statement. I think it also comes pretty close to the reason a lot of people blog. We believe our ideas can make a difference and this is the easiest forum we’ve found to put those ideas out there. For us it’s not enough to tell our loved ones, friends, co-workers, we want a broader audience.

I read blogs because I find myself at a place in life where I don’t have any friends to hang out with and talk to. I’ve got friends out of town and overseas, but not here in Austin. So I really get into the sense of community among bloggers. Like Rob, the people I do talk to on a daily basis at work just don’t like the same topics of conversation I do. And blogs are a conversation. The greatest thing about them, ok second greatest behind the fantastic writing that’s done day after day after day, is the comments readers post.

Even more I read blogs because I am a voyeur at heart. If I’m taking a walk at night and can see in someone’s windows, I’ll always look in and see what I can see. The people whose writing I read every day have become a part of my internal conversation. I can picture Michele watching the Yankess/Red Sox game. I think about Rob starting up a new business. I see a new RX8 and think of Glenn. Nerdstar and I talk about food and I wonder what Cyn cooked for dinner. The ferry tragedy happens in NYC and I think of Rossi. And on and on and on.

It’ll be cool to see what the state of the blogoshere is in another three years!

Fantastic!

Studio Foglio did a fantastic cartoon of the opening of Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchert's Good Omens. Check it out! Love it!

It's also about that whole icky idea of good and evil and can an evil being ever actually do good? Hmmm... beats me! It's Friday, even my brain isn't going there today!

Found via BoingBoing - which always has the coolest stuff! Like, A Japanese company is shipping (Japanese and English) keyboards with giant wooden keys, aimed at old people. Instructions on how to make a tampon angel. You wouldn't want to miss all that now would you?

Get out of jail free

I saw this news blurb the other day and had a few passing thoughts on it, and then forgot about it. Rodney King has been arrested again. One of my thoughts was, hmmm, how many times does that make it? Ten times in twelve years. What the hell happened to the three strike rule? I know what happened to him was terrible. But. Was it really a get out of jail free card for life on top of the almost $4 million he got from the city? If it is it shouldn't be.

Hell is safe for another season

All I can say is that the Yankees and Marlins must have made one hell of a deal with Satan. They get to go to the World Series and Hell doesn't freeze over. Although, I'm not sure what Satan gains by postponing armegeddon.

Go Marlins! I hate the Yankees and love Pudge.

I'd better be careful though, Michele's voodoo seems pretty strong.

Blog = Home or Crack?

How weird is it that when I have my blog up on a computer screen it's like a whole little self contained world? I look at the screen and it brings up the feeling of "being home". The blog entries are my little house, and then I look over at my blogroll and see all my neighbors. (damn I'm getting sentimental and girly)

I don't know what makes bloggers become bloggers, but we are some addicted people from what I can tell. And it hasn't even taken that long, really, for us to become this way. I don't think there are more than a handful of blogs over three years old, and there are tons under two years old. Just two years for this crazy incestuous mess called the blogosphere to develop, for the addiction to kick in, and the filter of "how the hell do I blog about THAT and how soon can I get to my computer" has taken over our brains.

Maybe home is the wrong image - maybe blogs really are the new crack. Are we all just masochistic exhibitionists that got sucked into by our voyeurism? We start out reading a couple of good blogs - looking in their windows every so often, then we go by more often. That window leads to others and pretty soon we have to have a window of our own.

What really differentiates bloggers from nonbloggers? It doesn't matter what kind of blogger you are, political, business, entertainment, personal - we're all the same. We are all compelled to take the contents of our brains and put them out there for any one in the world to read. Because with Google, it really could be anyone in the world.

I don't know. I just know I'm damn happy to be a blogger.

I suck!

I finally manage to get an entry in the Carnival of the Vanities and I forget to link it. Go. Read. Now.

Bias in tv shows

The new tv season is well under way. Now that I’ve got the digital recording service thru Time Warner I’m watching tv more efficiently, I can watch all hour long shows in 43 minutes zooming thru commercials, but I think I’m also watching more shows. I can record away and watch them all in one evening or on the weekends when there’s nothing but college football on Saturdays and the NFL on Sundays. It’s certainly coming in handy with the baseball playoffs going on. I can watch the games and record the shows I’m not watching.

That was all a long tangent. Let’s see if I can get to the point in this post. (Points are not easy for fuzzy brains to find.) I expect shows like The West Wing to have a certain political slant to them; duh, it’s about politics. But I don’t expect subtle little political commentary on other shows. In the season premier of Angel one of the characters made a big deal of putting a Dixie Chicks poster up in her new office. Then on ER’s season premier there was a whole dialogue about how everyone with any taste must be a Dixie Chicks fan.

How interesting that both shows decided to show support for the Chicks. Some little show of solidarity? Neither time was it essential to the plot line, served no purpose in the story arc, but there it was.

What I’m trying to decide is if I think they should or shouldn’t do such things. I mean, ok, freedom and expression and speech and all that aside. Does it make me want to watch their tv shows less? ER is the longest lasting relationship I’ve had, I’ve watched every episode from day one. For now it’s not really a big deal for me with these two shows. Whoopi on the other hand – forget it. Five minutes is all I can get thru before she just shows what an asshat she is.

Rant

Little Man and Ramen kept me up almost all night, damn pets. Little Man kept coming in and out the bedroom window and Ramen kept trying to chase him when he came in. I looked at the clock at least every hour all night long.

Anyway, the point is my brain is very, very tired today. I'm also having to sit at the front desk for three days because the lady who usually does it out. The worst part is having to talk to everyone who walks in the door in addition to answering the phones.

Ok, now the real point - thankfully, Michele has ripped this whole assinine Defense of Marriage week or whatever the hell it's being called. Jenna over at Dykewrite weighs in as well. Because I'm just so fed up with the whole mess I could just spit.

After the weekend Nerdstar and I had with her family, and all the issues surrounding the fact that we're not a "real couple" and all that shit. Then added to that the fact that if anything ever happened to her while she's with the military, again, we're not a legitimate couple, I would be lucky to be informed of anything happening to her, I certainly wouldn't be handed the flag at her funeral. And on and on and on and on.

This isn't an abstract for me. It affects almost every part of my life in ways subtle and not so subtle. And for some f*ckheads to think they need to protect society from ME pisses me off more than I can ever state.

Wild Kingdom

Now for the story I logged on to write. As if having a huge spider wander into my house a few weeks ago wasn't bad enough - tonight it was a snake! (No, I didn't let it hang around long enough to get a picture this time!)

Once again, I'm up past my bedtime. I finally turn off the tv and head for bed. I don't usually, but earlier I had turned on the lamp by the bed so it wouldn't be so dark when I got to the bedroom. Ramen was being a weirdo tonight and I thought he was trying to protect me from Little Man who was outside. (I'm not always sure he's smart enough to know "his" cats from other strange animals.) So, I closed the back door and just left the bedroom window open for Little Man to come in. When I get into the bedroom I see Little Man stalking something, I figure it's a big bug, no big deal. I figure I'll speed up the process and move some clothes I had on the floor so he could find it faster... and OH SHIT - it's a SNAKE. Ok, so it's a skinny little thing about sixteen inches long, but still, it's in my bedroom!

I decided to get it out of the house by getting it into the laundry bag. I almost scared myself to death stepping on Ramen's toy and making it squeek! Then I got the little shovel thing that's part of the fireplace set and the laundry bag. Thankfully the snake was as scared as I was and just wanted to hide so it slithered into the bag! I was very nice and didn't beat it to death with the shovel thing, I just took it out back and let it go. It seemed very happy to be back in the grass and moving away from the house!

I had locked Little Man in the bathroom to get him out of the way during all that. When I let him out he went looking for his new friend and then yelled at me when he couldn't find him. I said, tough, the door and window are staying closed, no more bringing home friends!

Like I said with the spider, I live in a residential area, it's not like I'm living out in the country!

Thanks

First, thanks Beth and Michele for the encouragement! Mostly I try to wait out this really sucky time of Nerdstar being gone and being in a job I don't like. Neither is permanent. But sometimes I fear I'm numb enough without the drugs. My strongest emotion usually seems to be anger - well, that and a lingering deep sadness that makes me able to cry at the drop of a hat over anything slightly sad (you know, like sappy commercials and almost every movie!). It's so weird on days like today to go thru the workday, thru the motions, and no one really sees the darkness. Sometimes I know that dark cloud is visible to at least a couple of coworkers. Poor Nerdstar never really knows how to help. But just having her around has really evened me out. There are days it's just easier to give in than to muster up the energy it takes to brighten things up, especially living alone. Thank God for pets, books, movies, dvds and blogs!!

Happy Pills

My brain has this tendency to attrack big dark clouds that hover around for days on end sometimes. I get stuck looking at all the bad little raindrops about to wash away everything good and listening to the thunder of impending doom and can't even imagine seeing sunshine again.

I tried Wellbutrin and Prozac BRIEFLY about a year or so ago. I couldn't shake the sadness that started 9/11. But then I felt like I didn't have any emotions, good or bad, while on them and decided the lows were worth enduring for the better times.

While there have been tremendous improvements in mental health care, there's still that last stretch before things are perfect. The problem with drugs like Prozac is that you have to take them for x amount of time before they kick in, and then you have to take them pretty much constantly for them to keep working. What I need, and I'm sure millions of others could use too, is a mood improving drug that works more like allergy medicine. I take it on a daily, as needed, basis with the affects lasting twelve to twenty four hours for those two, three, four days that hit every so often when I just can't escape the storm.

More on Stocks

Great minds think alike? Well, Mr. Vodkapundit's mind is certainly great, and he, too, wrote about buying stocks. His is just much more informative! It will also be an ongoing series.

Not Suprising

I wrote on Sept. 23 that it'd be interesting to see how a more accurate portrayal of the situation in Iraq would affect Bush. Well, last week there were several news stories on at least the cable programs about just that very thing, and what do you know, now Bush is up 10% in the polls. Go figure.

Photo Record

Matthew Haughey is going to be taking a photo a day of himself - from age 31 to 41 - and posting them on his site to have a record of all the changes he'll go thru. My first thought was that it's naturally a man and not a woman doing this. I certainly don't want a record of my aging process, I much prefer my mental image of myself to stay at about twenty. But I do think this little blog of mine is some attempt to record everyday life for distant future reference. (found via BoingBoing)

Novice Stock Buying

For about a year and a half now I've been building a little stock portfolio in addition to making contributions to my 401K. I like to gamble, love Vegas, and decided what the heck, stocks could be fun. I watched CNBC for a while and then decided they were of no value whatsoever when it comes to long term investing. Actually, it took me almost a year to realize that stock prices have almost nothing to do with anything that I would have guessed. Well, maybe over the long term they're starting to. But I think there are too many factors in short term stock pricing. Earnings expectations and reports are just a bunch of crap set up to let insiders make way too much money while adversely affecting us long term holders.

One of the disadvantages I see to large conglomerates is that it limits things I can buy stock in. For example, if Sony or some other electronics company comes out with some really, really cool new gadget, I can't buy stock in just that really cool gadget, and Sony's stock won't be incredibly affected by the cool gadget because of all the other million and one things Sony does. I mean, cell phones, dvd players, hdtvs - all fantastic new things everyone is buying - but where are the oportunities to buy stock in them? (I could be way too uninformed, but I don't think Motorola or Nokia or Phillips or such companies are good stock buys.)

I decided to go with buying companies I know enough about to understand what's going on. I'm a customer of every stock I own except Sirius (I had XM instead.) I knew my two biggests risks were the satellite radio companies. XM is just now beginning to pay off, I hope Sirius will within the next year. I'm definitely in these stocks for the long haul.

I haven't been very disciplined in buying on a set schedule like I should have, but I have managed to cost average out several of the riskier stocks - Sirius and XM and even Imax. I also understood that the time to buy was when the market was down overall, I didn't time the bottom right on all of the stocks I bought, but it's certainly picking up from where I did buy them. (My average cost on XM is $13, I could have bought $100 or more at $2.50 and ended up getting back in at $8 instead - OUCH!)

I decided to use Sharebuilder because it was the easiest service to use. It took about five minutes to set up and they take the money directly out of my checking account on either a weekly or monthly basis, or I can make one time purchases on any given Tuesday. (Actually, I enter the transaction the Thursday before and it's executed on Tuesday.) It's only $4 a trade. My only complaint is that they don't offer Select Comfort, which I would have done very well on when it was recommended to me by a co-worker almost a year ago and it's up 176%.

Below is a table (woohoo, my first html table!!) of how much of what I own and how it's doing so far. If any of you business people have any suggestions on where I go from here with this portfolio, I'd love to hear them!!

Carnival of the Capitalists

My sleep deprived brain forgot to link Carnival of the Capitalists this morning. Go. Read. Now.

Kill Bill and related tangents

Man, a week off from work and my sleep schedule is wrecked. It's after midnight on a school night and I'm wide awake. My entire family is nightowls who love to stay up late and sleep in. Driving home from the movies this late at night reminded me of my college days. My mood is somewhat similar as well, kinda dark and wreckless and bordering on self destructive.

Anyway. Kill Bill was fantastic! I loved the cheesiness of it. I really loved the soundtrack. I loved the squirting blood, even if it reminded me of Monty Python every time. I loved that he broke it into two parts instead of rushing the story and the action. I loved the pussy wagon. Great flick!

But waiting for the movie to start was almost intolerable. That stupid include others/pass it on public service announcement makes me want to punch the nearest stranger for the fun of it. The assinine "please don't pirate movies, I need to make a living" plea. Uh, hello, I'm AT the theater, you're preaching to the choir and pissing it off. At least five commercials. And trailers for movies that should never have been made in the first place. Over fifteen minutes of crap before the movie actually starts. I hate being held hostage and made to watch things I don't want to see.

So, I'm wondering how theaters are going to compete with affordable 52" HDTV flat screen plasma televisions and dvds that are even better than just seeing the movie in the theater because of all the special features. Because annoying the hell out of me before the movie starts doesn't make me want to come back. The only advantages theaters have now are screen size and the chance to see it right after it's released. I just don't know that those are enough to keep them going. Especially as more people treat the movie theater like their living room anyway and talk too loudly to each other and the movie screen.

I know, box office receipts aren't really falling off yet. But I think that unless they make some big changes, within the next five years they will.

I knew I wouldn't be getting to sleep anytime soon after Kill Bill was over, so I wandered into Under World. It was pretty good. The vampire/other worldly creatures rules in Buffy/Angel and Anne Rice's books have become so engrained in my brain it's hard to watch or read things that vary from them. The ending was an obvious set up for a sequel. And I couldn't help but wonder why if you're going to shoot everything at night or in very dark settings, and have all the characters dressed in all black, and have it raining all the time, why not just shoot it in black and white?? But still, it was a decent flick.

I was also wondering though, especially during the opening fight in Kill Bill, just how much influence Buffy has had on not only girl fights, but also on women as warriors. The tv series started about eight years ago, and the Buffy movie predates that. I think it really changed a lot for strong women, maybe especially strong young women, roles. And I know it redefined the rules of girl fights. I think it's fantastic and a great thing for young women to see portrayed in entertainment.

Kevin Sites

It's good to see Kevin Sites blogging again. He explains that CNN asked him nicely to not blog while employed by them. He's now a freelancer paid by MSNBC and has worked out an agreement with them over content and blogging. Interesting. When blogrolling is up and running again, I'll add his site over there.

Notes from a rainy Saturday

Since when is October monsoon season in Texas?? I must have missed that memo. The drive to Houston Thursday was done in a non-stop downpour. Poor Nerdstar, her driver's side window had decided to break a couple of days earlier and not go all the way back up. She got kinda soaked. (hmm... kinda soaked, is that like never, except when or almost completely... I hate phrases like that)

Anyway, it's raining all day today and will probably continue to do so thru tomorrow. Thank God for pizza delivery!

I suppose my first day back to being alone should be rainy. At least there's great sports on all day. UT got it's butt handed to it by OU. Now, normally I wouldn't be too happy with that. But so many of my coworkers are UT fans that I'm kinda happy they're miserable today. (No, I'm not sadistic, why do you ask?)

The Sox/Yankees game just ended. Could Martinez be any more of an ass?? I don't care if Zimmer had actually landed a punch, you NEVER throw down a 72 year old man.

I'm actually rooting for the Cubs and Sox - whatever brings the apocolypse closer!

I guess my feeling today after all the crap with Nerdstar's family is that once again I'm the one left alone on the outside as her priority remains her grandparents. Not a good feeling, never has been.

Family Hell

It's almost 2 a.m. and I'm writing this from Austin. Nope, things didn't go as planned the past couple of days. I tried to get Nerdstar to go to Vegas for a couple of days instead...

About 7 p.m. her uncle pretty much told her I had to leave right then. I tried to get her to just come with me, but she wanted to stay and fight it out with him some more and talk with her grandparents. My girl doesn't cry very easily or very often (unless My Dog Skip is on) but this whole ordeal had her in tears. Worse than that, it made her sick to her stomach and she didn't eat.

Fortunately for me the traffic wasn't too bad and the Cubs/Marlins game on the radio kept me entertained.

She called right as I walked in the door. Apparently, for reasons that neither of us can begin to imagine, her uncle has decided that in spite of over four years of a pretty damn good relationship, it's suddenly become completely unacceptable to her family. Uh, huh?

I'm not too upset at all of this. It's not like I was close to her family or they were ever really nice to me or accepting of me. But Nerdstar is really upset. I told her I don't see how this really changes much - her and her sister and still close (well, close as they've ever been), she can still talk to her grandparents anytime and go visit them when possible, she just won't deal with her uncle and his family anymore. That's not a big loss.

But the point that's hardest to let sink in is that they're not rejecting just me - as they seem to think they are - they're rejecting her. They just can't get it into their heads that this is a real, committed, loving relationship.

Ugh. I think I'm too tired and this is still too surreal to really talk about coherently.