Beth's Contradictory Brain

Good Riddance

Obviously, like so many others, I'm more than happy to see the end of 2003. It seems to have been a year of heartache for so many people I know. Unfortunately, the stroke of midnight is not a magic wand that will bring my Nerdstar home to me at once and clue us in as to what comes next.

Nerdstar's unit has been moving to a new camp for the past few days; I haven't heard from her since a very short email on Sunday. I have no idea where she is, how she is, or what her New Year's Eve was like.

2004 is going to be a very long year for us. It's hard to hope when life hasn't been known to play nice and when every day holds the potential for real danger.

But, I have to hope 2004 will end a hell of a lot better than it's going to begin.

Here's to a year of improvement in all things.

Blog Madness

What a fun idea - combining the insanity of March Madness with a blog contest. Pick your favorite entry of the year and put it up against the other contestants. Easy enough.

Update: Well, it's not the best writing, but this post was the most important one for me this year.

Home Improvement

I hate the previous entry, and am tempted as hell to just delete it. But, that doesn't seem right either.

Anyway...

When I was a little kid, my Dad built me a great set of bookshelves the white ones. I've always liked that they aren't just nice even shelves.

Three or four years ago, when we got a new tv, I decided to build an "entertainment center" to hold it and the stereo and speakers and such. I just didn't like the ones I saw in the stores, or refused to spend the amount of money some of them cost. If I had them to build again, I'd do a few things differently, but they'll do until we get a house! I also built the black bookshelves when I started running out of room on the white ones. I'm still out of room for books, but they can stay in piles for now.

Now that I've got a nice little dvd collection going on, the cds are all stacked on the floor and I'm running out of room on the entertainment center. So I'm thinking it's time to build a nice little set of shelves to hold the cds, Disney videos, and leftover dvds.

As you can tell, there's not a lot of color in the living room, so I'm thinking the new shelves will be some nice shade of red. They're going to 5 ft. tall and 2 ft. wide, 6 inches deep with 6 shelves just the right height for whatever that shelf is going to hold. It's a decent project to keep me busy these last few days before I have to get serious about earning some money!

Pity Party

Have you ever gone days without talking to anyone other than the waitress where you had lunch, or the cashier at the store you shopped at? I have rather a lot lately. I could do it indefinitely due to current circumstances. Usually, after a day or two, I'll pick up the phone and call someone just to have even a short conversation in order to feel normal and even remotely connected to the rest of the world, not just the world in my head.

Most of my interaction with the few friends I have is done thru email or IMs. Two of the four people I communicate with on a regular basis, other than my parents and Nerdstar, live outside the U.S.

So this blog is important to me in terms of feeling connected. I know I have a handful of regular readers, and appreciate that more than you can imagine. But, as I've said before on here, it's too hard feeling like I'm talking to an empty room when there are no comments here. It just makes me feel more isolated.

I hate even writing about this. But what's the point of this site if I can't be honest?

Gay Soldiers

MTV aired a 30 minute special tonight on Danny and Paul, the gay guy on Real World New Orleans and his Army boyfriend.

I've never thought much about don't ask/don't tell. I've always been aware there are lots of gays and lesbians in the military, so what? One of my closest friends from high school was a gay guy who spent four years in the Navy. He wasn't exactly "not telling" when he slept with married guys of higher rank.

But I also never expected to be a military wife in the ways that I currently am. Nerdstar was in the reserves when we met, quit for a while, then got orders to start up again (bizarre story for another time) and decided to pursue being a Chinese linguist. None of that was really being a soldier. I knew her background was in Army supply, and knew that they'd call her up to do supply again eventually if she didn't get out. Obviously we all know which way that worked out. Now she's in the hottest war zone this country has.

I'm not sure straight people understand how amazingly difficult not being out can be, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship. Imagine hanging out with coworkers and not being able to talk about your spouse to the extent that you can't even say what you did last weekend, because that would include the movie you went to see together, or the romantic dinner you had. Imagine the endless talk of other "single" people about the opposite sex, and you're apparent disinterest. Subtle, but telling. Imagine having to erase all evidence of your relationship just to protect your job, your personal safety. If I had a magic wand I'd make the situation reversed for just one day.

So, yes, Nerdstar is out to those who are smart enough to pay attention. One of those people tried to make an issue of it, and her higher ups didn't really give a shit. Having a warm body to send to Iraq was more important than Nerdstar's sexual orientation.

I don't worry about outting her thru this site. She's not worried about it either. Her eight year military obligation ends in March, she's not going to do something stupid like hit on someone, so there's not much they can do to make her life worse than it is. It's more important to me to use this site to give anyone reading a small hint of what our lives our like. That we're just like everyone else, except for stupid political policies that make us inherently different.

With all this time on my hands, I've wished I were a better writer. Then I could be selling our story to all the gay magazines, the cute little lesbian soldier and her girl back home. When she came home we could be the movie of the week ha ha ha ha!

Bad Dog Vibes

I'm in a much more mellow mood. In keeping with my self improvement plan while Nerdstar is in Iraq, Sunday I went to church, then went to Oshman's and got a nice gadget that lets me ride one of the bikes I bought Nerdstar and I for her birthday last year in the house while watching tv. Then, in an effort to eat less fast food, I even went to the grocery store.

So, when the weather was cold and rainy yesterday, I thought, yippee, I can cook a nice little chicken and have it today and have leftovers for some chicken noodle soup. Well, the first half worked out fine. It was a delicious chicken, just a little salt, pepper, rosemary and thyme, slow cooked all day.

I was nice to Ramen and poured some of the broth over his dry food. He wasn't nice in return. Before bed I wrapped the leftover chicken on the plate in foil and left it on the counter. Silly me. I was startled awake to the sound of the plate crashing to the floor. I guess he thought he needed a midnight snack.

Today I've been wondering how to let him know I'm still mad at him, for breaking the plate and eating my leftovers. I guess just the vibes let him know because he's been very quiet and keeping his distance today.

I think I'll let him suffer a little longer, then give him a good petting.

Amen

A daily goal I could live with:

"My goal today is to bask in the everlasting and loving light and forgiveness of Jesus Christ...and to seek revenge on anyone who fucks with me."

Go read Tracy now to see who said it first.

Perspective

Michele has a great post about the enormous earthquake tragedy in Iran.

I keep trying to wrap my mind around the idea of over 20,000 people dying in one place in one day. To imagine that magnitude of grief in sorrow. I think about the earthquake California just had and try to compare the two, imagine the situations being reversed.

May God pour out his comfort in Iran.

In a Funk

Yes, yes I am.

Ramen and I made it safely back to Austin this afternoon. That's a good thing. And I have a new desk chair and it is much more comfy. That's a good thing. I have several new dvds to watch, and a new book to read. Those are good things.

And yet, I'm in a total funk. Total. Funk. Clouds of darkness in and around my head.

Mail Low Down

Here's an informative story on the trouble the Stryker Brigade has had getting their mail, glad to see they're getting it all sorted out (no pun intended). So far we've had decent send times on the stuff going to Nerdstar. I'm not surprised to read that part of the mail delays were because of evil Hillary Clinton! (hi Abby!)

After...

The kid loves to open packages! This Christmas was all about trains and hot wheels. Two hot wheels carrying cases and at least two different kinds of trains. I moved my parents into modern times a little by getting them a dvd player. It was christened with Finding Nemo. I think Zach will like it a lot eventually, there were just too many new toys to play with to sit still.

So now the food's all eaten, the new toys all played with, and if it were up to me, the beds wouldn't be empty!

Blogging and reading blogs at my parents' house is a little tricky. I certainly don't want my family to read this site (somehow it's just a little more info than I want them to have), which is easy to achieve seeing as they don't even have a computer in the house. But, when I've got the laptop with me and the easiest place to set it up is in the living room on the foot stool in front of the big cozy chair, naturally, they want to know what I'm reading. Uh, nope.

My best gift today was a phone call from Nerdstar. She said the food was good, but she didn't get a shower. I'm sure she'd rather have a good meal than a shower anyway! All we can really say is that next Christmas has to be better!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas Everyone!!

It's about 8:30 am here and thankfully the kid is still asleep. Thankfully, because his dad certainly won't be awake for another hour or so. So, the house is still quite, the packages still waiting for their wrappings to be destroyed. I can't wait to see his face when he sees his presents. This morning when he says "MINE" it'll actually be true!

Here's to you and yours, - have a happy day!!!

Loneliness

The holidays are supposed to be the worst time for those who are lonely. Amen to that! I have a feeling it's being helped by pms, but damn is loneliness setting in hard. I've had a lot of fun having Zachary around. He is truly a bundle of sunshine. To see his cute little face as we're going to sleep and he looks over at me, grins his cute little grin and says "hug" and wraps his arm around me - wow. Or when he wakes up in the morning and says "B, wake up" with that same huge grin. Those moments are what life should be made of.

But having him here these few days, and taking him to eat and seeing all the families doing dinner in the midst of all the seasonal insanity, well, it just makes me so much more aware that we don't have kids yet, and we can't even begin to try again until Nerdstar finally makes it home. And it makes me feel old and alone.

Heading back to my parents' house tomorrow might do a lot to increase the noise level in my life, but it doesn't always do much to ease the loneliness.

And if I'm feeling this sad and lonely, well hell, how much worse must Nerdstar feel, being truly alone and far from home and family.

So if you get a chance in the next couple of days, email her and let her know she's in your thoughts. It means a lot to both of us.

Always the same

No matter when or where you ask Zachary what he wants to eat - the answer is always the same - Ice Cream!!

Running Commentary

Oddly enough, one of the things I really enjoy about having Zachary around is providing him with "play by play commentary" on everything all day long. He's finally at that point he's really working on his vocabulary and wants to learn new words. When there's a word he doesn't know how to say he says "how?" So far he's fantastic at giving commands!

I'll never comprehend how single parents manage. I can't imagine getting up early before work and getting a kid ready to leave the house, working all day, then coming home and taking care of the kid and me. Plus all the housework, errands, etc, etc, etc. No one should ever have to go thru that.

I don't think I'd mind being a stay at home mom, though. I can see how the first two years would be really hard, spending all that time with someone who can't even hold a conversation. One of the best things I'm learning right now is to take time out of the equation. No self imposed deadlines. Hopefully that will help when there are other factors imposing deadlines!

I think it was my senior year in college, one of my best friends was from Mexico City. Because of the situation she was leaving behind in Mexico, she was all about doing things in her own timing. I didn't understand that back then. I do now.

Hopefully this isn't a temporary lesson and I'll be more patient with Nerdstar when she comes home, too.

Awwwww

Sleeping Cutie

Backseat Driver

Zachary is a very constant and persistent backseat driver. Every time the car comes to a stop, for whatever reason, he simply says "GO." You can imagine how fun it was to be in a traffic jam on I-35 Saturday. He was thrilled he got to see the fire trucks and police cars though!

More on the Strykers

Here's the embeded reporters report on the camp attack Nerdstar emailed about the other day.

And here's his story on how well the Stryker vehicles hold up when bombed. Glad to hear they do so well, I wasn't sure.

New Ending

Ok, so we all have that dream where it's the end of the semester, and there's one really hard class we had completely forgotten we were supposed to be attending, and now there's no way we can graduate. Or something like that.

Well, last night in that dream, I actually got the professor to not only let me in the class to catch up, I finished it and everything. How weird is that? Is my own little brain actually being optimistic? Unheard of.

Cold and shot at Nerdstar

Having a good time with the little monkey? I just changed into a pair of ski socks that I got at REI before I left, man, this cold just seeps thru all the corners of the body! I've got cotton, polypro layers, plus my uniform, a friend's polypro jacket (we as reservists, never even got issued those), this big, black jacket that looks more like the stuff that people wear when they climb Mt. Everest or somewhere like that.

We got attacked at the base, the Iraqis fired AK-47's and mortar rounds at us, the location was like 200 yards from my evening work tent. I guess we've suppressed their fire, according to the radio transmissions that I've heard.

Right now, most people are in their combat gears, in case if anything else happens... the attack was about 2 hours ago. I heard that they roused everyone who was asleep up to run into the bunkers that were dug... man, that must suck!

Don't worry, nerdstar is alright, I was chewing on a piece of turkey jerky stick when I ran out of our tent... there were people who were like, "hey, don't smoke"! I was like, "it's a piece of jerkey stick that I'm chewing on"! hhahahahhaaahahaha! I know, it wasn't all that funny, but I tried.

You Know

You know a 2 1/2 year old is very tired when it's only 5:15 and they lay down in the booth at the restaurant and say "night night."

You also know your hair looks like complete shit when the same 2 1/2 year old looks at you as you're putting them in the car seat and says "hair cut?"

The Monkey on my Back

I drove up to Dallas this morning to my parents' house. Tomorrow I'm driving back to Austin not only with the dog in the car, but also with Zachary. A 2 1/2 year old boy and a dog, in the car, for multiple hours. Oh what fun!

As I'm in a big chair trying to type this, Zachary is behind me playing with my hair, jumping around, wrapping his arms around my neck. Yep, nothing like blogging with a monkey on my back! It'll be just Zach and I until we come back to Dallas Christmas Eve. The goal, as always, is to completely wear him out every day! Wish me luck.

If I don't post anything in any 24 hour period - call the authorities, I just might be tied up.

That's My Girl

I finally got a phone call from Nerdstar right about 1 am, the Air Force guys she's working with let them use their satellite phone. I guess I'm not worrying too much because my first thought wasn't about the call being bad news, it was "oh yeah! My girl is calling." She's also getting more internet time and I got this in an email from her:

"I will probably be able to do more e-mailing than phoning, I don't really think they are going to set up the phone service anytime soon, but there is internet connection in the supply room, and I've volunteered to work overnight so I could have more net access.

Don't worry, I don't think I'll ever be in a stryker again, I made my lack of liking for that vehicle fairly clear to my chain of command. Let the infantrymen have their vehicles and let me have my 5 ton truck, at least I can see where I am going!

Thanks for making the REI trip for me! It really would come in handy when the really cold weather strikes! Can I ask you for another favor? Goto starbucks and get a few bags of coffee (3-4 bags, pre grounded)one type of each blend. Why coffee you ask? Well, I found out that it's a way to get to the air force's good side, so that there can be more chances for me to use their phone, and watch their DVD's. (This sgt. has a extensive collection of Southpark DVD's!) No big hurry on that though."

That's my girl - wheeling and dealing and bribing people! I'm laughing, you have no idea how that's not the image people who know her have of her. She always comes across as nice and quiet. Me, I'm not too surprised, just impressed! And yes, I'll be making a trip to Starbucks pretty soon.

Just my theory

I heard in a news story about ROTK that they had been filming these movies for four years. I guess I knew that, but hadn't really thought about it. The world, particularly for Americans, was a totally different place four years ago when they were filming Fellowship. And I remember how much the first one moved us in the wake of 9/11.

Wouldn't it be tragic if Peter Jackson, over the course of those four years of filming, watered down the themes to avoid looking pro-war, pro-Bush. Instead of heroism, he gives us great cgi battle scenes.

During the first of the movie yesterday, I was thinking, how sad that we can so easily recognize evil on the big screen, and cheer it's total destruction, but when we see it on the small screen we want to coddle it.

Elaboration

Let's see if I can articulate why ROTK so disappointed me. I read the three books just before the first movie came out. They touched and moved me. I love the themes of loyalty and courage and honor and duty. They are timeless. So I was very happy to see the first two movies so wonderfully bring an epic tale to the big screen.

But ROTK fell completely flat. The most moving aspect of this part of the story is that each of the components has lost touch with the others, has no idea what's going on with them, no real reason to have any hope that any of them will survive their efforts, much less have a positive impact on anyone else. In spite of everything, they hold on, hold out and press on. The movie captured none of the hopelessness overcome by camaraderie and duty.

And what makes it just sad is that we know Jackson to be capable of so much better.

Informed or Not?

John Donovan left a comment the other day asking if I'm one of those military spouses who likes to stay informed, or would prefer to not follow all the details. For me, it really helps to be informed. Mostly, it helps me feel closer to her, the same reason I send her daily emails about the mundane details of my day.

It also helps take the naked fear out of it. From what I've read so far the Stryker Brigade and the 4th ID are well trained and doing good work. One of her biggest fears was that her immediate commanders were useless and wouldn't keep her safe. I'm a little more optimistic now that she's working with the larger units. Of course, I'd rather she stayed behind and did very safe supply stuff and never once had to ride in the stryker vehices. But I'm also increasingly proud of her for what she's going thru!

So, here are two more news stories about the soldier's Nerdstar's working with.

Another Nerdstar Update

This pretty much sums it up about what we are doing, 4th. Infantry Div. (4th. ID) is in charge of us.

I went on a recon mission on a stryker, they were using me to do body searches on females detainees... well, we didn't have any that day, but I did get to ride in a stryker for about 12 hours, and let me tell you, it's a bad idea if you are even slightly closterphobic! I was stuffed inside the vehicle with 11 men, and I don't like not being able to see where I am going! Thank God that's over!

Ugh

This morning I went to a 10:30 showing of The Return of the King. All I can say is it was dull, disappointing and utterly uninspired. How sad.

Nice

Really cool eye candy.

(found via BoingBoing.)

Truth

A complete and thorough rebuttal of the "Bush Lied" idea that's been so popular among the left. (This one's for Cyn *grin*)

Big Interconnected World

I know I risk sounding like a broken record. But, I know a lot of my readers only keep up with the news in very minimal ways. I can understand that, even if I'm not like that. Life is busy, and it certainly feels like there's plenty to do taking care of our own little parts of the world without worry about "the bigger picture." So again, as always, that's why I'm thankful for the internet and blogs in particular. With one or two links, and less than fifteen minutes of reading, I can understand so much better what the people in Iraq, or Iran, or really, anywhere else that interests me, are thinking and feeling. It's unprecidented and thrills me to no end.

On that note. Zayed tries to explain his mixed feelings about Saddam.

If you had lived all your life ruled by a tough dictator elevated to the level of a god and then suddenly without warning watched that dictator displayed to the public on tv as a 'man', you probably would have related with my position.

And I'm still wondering why? Why did he have to put himself into this? Why did he have to destroy Iraq? What did he gain from all of this?

Why indeed??

Nerdstar Update

I just want to tell you that I am safe so far, living is still a kind of miserable, but I am getting used to it slowly.

I don't know if I am losing weight, but my clothes are looser fitting, and I guess I will let you be the judge of that! But I am still eating like a pig because of the coolness of the climate and the physical stuff that we go thru at times.

I am glad that they've got Saddam, but I don't know if it will change our times for being here, I am hoping that it'll be a shorter stay in Iraq also!

I rode in the stryker for 12 hours yesterday! It was one of the most cramped, and clusterphobic experiences in my life! I can't write too much more about it here, the line is not secure.

(I edited out the personal mushy stuff, don't want you to think there wasn't any.)

Interview

Wow. You really should read this interview with Hoder.

A leading figure (quite probably the leading figure) in the Persian blog community is University of Toronto student, Hossein Derakhshan or 'Hoder', as he is known online. Hoder's Persian blog gets an average of more than 3,500 visitors daily. This makes Torontonian Hoder one of Canada's most influential bloggers.

The idea that the Internet and blogging, in particular, can serve as important vehicles for social and political change is something that people in the Middle East seem to have adopted wholeheartedly. In Iran, anonymous blogging has allowed the current generation to disregard the strict rules imposed by politico-religious authorities. Despite censorship and filtering, the Persian (Iranian) blogging community is one of the strongest and most active worldwide.

As they say, read the whole thing!! There's a lot more going on in this world, and in blogging, than you'd ever imagine and certainly won't hear from mainstream media.

(Found via Instapundit - of course.)

Stryker Brigade Update

Update by the embeded reporter.

I still haven't heard from Nerdstar, other than that four sentence email, so I don't have any idea really what her every day activities are. I don't assume she's out on any of these patrols or anything, being a supply clerk. But I know they had her driving a big truck and she's certified to drive the hummers. I'll feel much better once I hear from her.

Exactly

I don't think I can put my reaction to yesterday any better than Andrew did:

For me, the moment I won't forget was the sudden roar of excitement and jubilation from Iraqi journalists in the press conference room when Jerry Bremer gave the news. Salon describes it well:
"The room erupted in cheers and shouts. Iraqi reporters in the room began yelling, crying, sobbing. A middle aged Iraqi man sitting near me wept while he frantically took notes. Other Iraqis called for Saddam's death. A man sitting in the front row wailed with his head in his hands. The press conference paused briefly while the man calmed down."
It is not for us to understand fully what these people were put through. At a moment like this, when we can see fully and clearly the evil that existed for so long - evil that we in the past did our part to maintain - it is important simply to recall the dead and their loved ones. Think of every moment when some poor soul believed he was about to die, every moment spent in hellish prisons, every person tortured beyond imagining, every child dumped in a mass grave, every person of faith treated as an enemy of the state. To watch the perpetrator of this extraordinary evil brought low - into a rat-hole in the ground - is a privilege. It happens rarely. It is a moment when some kind of cosmic justice breaks through the clouds, and all the petty wrangling and mistakes and political jockeying fall away in the face of liberation from inescapable fear and terror and brutality. It was a day of joy. Nothing remains to be said right now. Joy.

The personal side

While I'd like to hope and think that the events of the past 24 hours would mean that my Nerdstar will come home earlier, I can't say I think that will be the case. There is still much to be done in Iraq. I'm sure that with the pending trail of Saddam things will still be tense there, and then the expected transfer of power to an Iraqi government this summer will also need a lot of supervision.

Also, even if the Defense Department feels they can reduce the number of troops in Iraq, most of them have been there longer than Nerdstar and the Stryker Brigade. She's not exactly at the front of the line to come home.

My biggest hope is that these events mean that Nerdstar and all of our soldiers will be safer while they have to be there. I'd trade soon for safe any day!

Joy and Hope

I don't think as Americans, with all the freedom we have and take so completely for granted, we can truly appreciate the relief and joy and all the other emotions the people of Iraq are feeling today. There are no adequate analogies. And not only in Iraq, but imagine the people still under the rule of evil leaders, to hear that Saddam has truly lost, and will never be in power again, and the hope that must bring to their hearts.

Could it be any more appropriate that this happens so close to Christmas - the worldwide time of joy and hope?

Thank God

Oh My God. You just never know what the hell you're going to read when you turn on the computer or hear when you turn on the news. I was looking at the Tacoma newspaper site trying to find news about the Sryker Brigade and see a caption about Saddam being captured. So I turn on Fox News - and sure enough, they really have him. I can't believe it. I'm almost in tears. I think I'm one of those who wish they'd found him dead - it would certainly make things more simple. But, thank God they found him and captured him. I can't imagine the relief the people of Iraq are feeling today. Wow.

Update:

Links with lots of info:
Command Post
Michele
Instapundit He's got some great posts about the elite media response - bastards!
And of course, Mr. Jarvis with his links to the Iraqi blogs themselves.

Random

Xeney Beth has a secret identity. Oddly enough, that's pretty much how I feel about my lesbianism sometimes. I've certainly gotten the "you're a what" reaction more than once.

I'm a sucker for personal histories and memorabilia. I love this idea by Agenda Bender. My phone messages would never be interesting enough, but I do tend to keep most of my correspondence.

And for completely random, I rented Secretary, Holes and Martian Successor Nadesico: Prince of Darkness (anime) dvds to watch this weekend. So far I've only watched Secretary and I really liked it. One of the advantages of being an avid reader and easily bored is that I read a lot of very different types of books. Several years ago I read a lot about D/s and such. I forget that most people aren't familiar with these subjects. But that's another post for another time.

One Down

My poor Nerdstar has been overseas for a month now. One down, probably eleven more to go. We knew she wouldn't be able to call or email much once they got to the new camp. Apparently, that's more true than I would like. I hadn't heard from her at all for a week. This morning I just got a short email saying she's safe and adjusting. It sucks unbelievably to not be able to talk to her, to hear her voice and get a better idea of how she's doing, to not share to even a small extent the shit she's going thru.

This is when I wish I had much better writing skills. That I could come even close to accurately describing how hard this is. How long the days and nights are. How the levels of worry and fear and dread fluxuate but never go away. To only be able to imagine how hard all of this is for her, and to be so far away and unable to help her get thru it at all. Yes, I email her every day, and send letters and stuff, but it seems so feeble. She's far from home, with nothing familiar around, worried about her grandparents, about me, the pets, her safety. I might be lonely, but I have our home, pets, family. I'm sure she worries about life moving on without her. It takes an extraordinary amount of trust to get thru a year like this.

I got one of her pay stubs in the mail today - extra pay for "hostile fire." Yeah, that makes me feel better. I'll say it again and again, this just sucks.

TipJar Bandwagon

This time of year Mr. Sullivan has his fund drive. I know the first one generated a lot of talk among the blogosphere. He pulled in more than a lot of us make in a year or two. I'm certainly not going to agrue he's not worth it. Glenn reports his jar has been hit lately.

I had originally set up my tipjar in the hopes that some car loving guy with lots of money would read my site one day and give me lots of money to get my camaro restored (hey, a girl can dream). Well, the car is still sitting there all covered up. I have no idea if I'll ever get it fixed, just sell it, or what. Who knows. That and a new motorcycle kind of went out the window when I quit my job.

I don't think I've ever mentioned the tipjar in my posts. I usually feel like my readers don't make any more money than I do, why should they give. And now that I'm not making any money, I feel like that was my choice, again, why should people give. But honestly, it'd be fantastic if people did. I have a saying - you don't get what you don't ask for. Generally that's true.

Still Boring

Who knew that lowering my stress would cause such complete boring crap with my blog? You'd think with all this free time I could come up with many fantastic things to wax philosophical about or at least write better embellishments of my boring days. But, nope.

The highlights of today are walking the dog and going to the grocery store so I can buy chocolate chips to make cookies with. Yep, I'm down to baking to pass the time.

I'm not complaining. I'm a little on the lonely side, I worry about Nerdstar pretty constantly, but other than that I'm much better than I was a month ago.

To give you a feel for my state of mind, my three favorite songs are Stand Up by Ludacris, I Love The Way You Move by Outkast, and Milkshake by what's her name. Why? Because they all have a fantastic beat and they make me smile. For once in my down time, I'm not being overly serious. Trust me, I can be way too serious for my own good.

I'm reading Does She or Doesn't She. It's a fun read so far. I plan on re-watching the Noir series, this time probably dubbed in English instead of in Japanese with subtitles. Tonight is also Survivor and ER.

Gosh, maybe I'm busier than I thought. LOL

Noir

I am so happy I decided to go ahead and get the last two dvds in this seven dvd series. It was worth not only the money, but also the wait. I don't care if you've never seen any sort of anime in your life, if you love beautiful story telling, strong women, fantastic endings, and tales of true friendship and redemption - you've got to see this series. There just aren't enough stories like this in the world - in any form or genre.

Did you hear?

There was an anti-terrorist demonstration in Iraq today, finally free people able to say in public what they want for their country. Did you see it on the news? Read it in the New York Times? Probably not. So once again, thank God for the internet, and for blogs.

Healing Iraq's Zayed has it all covered - including pictures thanks to Mr. Jarvis.

Instapundit has a great roundup.

As I've said before. In these times there is probably nothing more important than where you get your news. Thankfully, we can get it first hand.

Massage

If you've never had a full body massage, I can't recommend one enough!! I just got home from one and it's just amazing. I had sore muscles in places I didn't even know there were muscles. I know stress takes a terrible toll on our bodies, that's part of why I got this massage today. Not only does my body feel a million times better, my mind and spirit do to. It's an odd mix of really intimate and yet impersonal. I am awed by the young woman's ability to not only work out the junk in my muscles, but to also in some way impart a real sense of peace and calm. Something I really needed today. What an amazing gift.

Blog Uses

I was having dinner with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago and he mentioned how hard it can be to meet girls. (A sentiment I can completely understand and that's why I thank God for Nerdstar.) Anyway. I told him he should start a blog called Boy Needs Girl or something like that and I bet he'd have a date in no time. He didn't think "needs" was the word he was looking for. Anyway. I was amused to read this nice story on Gaping Void about boy meets girl.

(hi Eric! the email I sent a couple of weeks ago got bounced back.)

This sucks

It's already starting. Nerdstar's finally moving into Iraq, as posted about previously. I'm sitting here this evening catching up on some blog reading and I've got cable news on in the background. I hear some short blurb about two soldiers in the Stryker Brigade being killed on a bridge during a convoy. UGH. I don't know any of the details. I haven't found the story online yet. I'm not panicked or anything, but I wonder how long it takes from the time of the death until the Red Cross shows up at the door. You know, thoughts like that.

This latest update by the embeded reporter of mishaps does nothing to make me feel better either. Neither does playing the numbers game - there are X number of soldiers in Iraq total, Y of them in the same brigade as Nerdstar and Z% of them will be killed and U% of them hurt. I think there are about 4000 in her brigade - so every time I hear someone is killed or hurt without knowing who it is - there's a 1/4000 chance it's her.

No, I'm not driving myself crazy with worry 24/7. I'm not obsessively watching or listening to the news or anything. But this is really, really hard.

Small Problem

The problem with unpacking all my books and cds the carpet guys packed up is that I want to read and listen to everything I pick up and look at!!

I'm rediscovering my theme song - Joyful Girl.

Exactly!

As always, Mr. Jarvis has a brilliant post on why blogs are a better way to get news and information. No, that's not exactly what he said, go read what he said. But it's part of this information revolution. The entirety of someone's blog gives me enormous insight into their biases, motivations, quirks, reliability - all things I don't get from newspapers or even broadcast news. Sure, we all know Bill O'Reily and Chris Matthews views on things, but not always their whole story. It's all the personal information about bloggers that lets me know I can trust their "more serious" posts, or know that they respresent a reasonable opposition, or are just flakes to read for a good laugh.

Stryker Brigade update

The embeded reporter from Tacoma had this story in the paper today. The Brigade made it's way to this camp in stages. Nerdstar and company are pulling up the rear, so they're on their way there over the next few days. She said she's not even sure how long they'll be in this location before having to move again. A couple of weeks ago she managed to obtain a small, thin matress and to find a place for it in the truck she's driving. If the cots don't arrive before she does, she said she can always sleep in the back of the truck. NONE of this sounds fun to me!! She also wasn't sure when she'd get a chance to shower again, check email again, or call again. Laundry has been a constant problem.

I miss my girl a lot. I try not to worry as much as I miss.

Yes I did

Yes, I changed the colors. It's not great, but maybe it's easier to read. This is what you get from a person of limited coding skills! If I could make only one improvement - it would be to have a really cool font for the title. But I can't seem to find a listing of fonts that show what they look like.

In other news, it was a nice, lazy Sunday. I went to church and ran into an old friend from college. Hopefully we can meet up for lunch soon. I also managed to put away some more of the books and dvds. Ran across an old hand written journal from five years ago. Amusing stuff! I walked the dog. Very exciting life these days. Actually, all the excitment is in my head and not finding it's way out too much yet.

Saturday

It's a good thing I've lowered my stress, my home was disassembled today and now I get to put it all back together. The carpet was finally replaced after being flooded five weeks ago.

The landlady called at 9:15 and said they could do it today or tomorrow. Today was good for me. I got to pretend I'm all cool and hip. I finally took the laptop down to my favorite cafe and had breakfast and finally tried out this new fangled thing called wifi. Let me say, it's damn cool! Then, in the middle of my web surfing in public, the cell phone rings. Now, the only reason I have a cell phone is because Nerdstar already had it and sent it to me before she left. I don't want her to have to worry about getting a hold of me whenever she gets a chance to call. I can have the cell phone with me 24/7. And, call she did this morning. Made my day I tell ya. But it was still hard not to feel pretentious sitting there with my laptop and cell phone.

I also went to see Love Actually today. It made me laugh and cry - although I cry very, very easily. Very sweet movie. Although, the opening totally reminds me of Ani's song Arrivals Gate.

Now I'm home, the pets are all freaked out by the smell and things being slightly out of place. I have to put all of my books, cds and dvds back on the shelves and a few other things back where they belong. Nothing major and I'm in no hurry. Maybe I'll just leave the stereo on and light a fire in the fireplace.

Speaking Of...

Speaking of Nerdstar. I finally got a phone call from her today. The last one was 9 days ago. It helps so much to hear her voice, to hear about what her days and nights are like, to hear what's on her mind. She's sounding a little better, more resigned to the situation, a little less angry.

What a year this is going to be for both of us individually. I mean, I can only imagine to a small degree what she's going thru. Even if it turns out to be a totally harmless, safe, boring even, year for her, it's still life changing. And my goal is certainly to change my life. And to do all this with limited communication makes it harder.

I guess this is the nitty gritty of commitment. This is where those invisible bonds hold everything together.

Good Reading

I can't remember where I first found a link to Mullings, but I'm so glad I did. The pictures alone are fantastic, and it helps me to see a least some part of what my Nerdstar is seeing. He's a civilian working thru the Defense Department to cover more of the story than your widely broadcast blurbs. I highly recommend you check him out, especially if your snowed in this weekend!

Nerdstar Update

We are going to depart Kuwait on Sunday, it'll be a 3 day journey, first two days are not expected to be dangerous, but the third day will be. The people who have gone up there so far had not reported any ambushes.

Do you remember the girl who got raped? Well, we had a Lt.Col. come to talk to us last night, he said that the investigator said that there was no rape and that the girl might have made up or staged the whole thing. I don't know that girl personally, but a lot of the people who knew her swore that she was telling the truth, so someone is trying to cover up stuff. I thought that it was not fair for someone like that to make any comments about the investigation while it's still going on. I don't think a lot of the females feel safe amongst 3rd. brigade. I am just so sick of this army game, you know?

My Fair City

How strange to see my city talked about so disparagingly! Mr. Gaiman has a link to this open letter by Jessa Crispin of Bookslut to my fair city of Austin - well, actually to it's ultra liberal publication The Chronicle, which I have stopped being able to bring myself to read in the past year or so.

She's right in her appraisal. Austin tries to be so much more than it is. Or worse, keeps killing those things that make it what it wants to be. You can't be the Live Music Capital of the World when you shut down the music venues and enact stupid noise ordinances.

It does make a nice little city to relax and watch people in, though.

Good day

Life is good and boring, so I haven't had much to write about.

I spent several hours today helping this organization fold letters for a mass mail out. It was good to do something mindless yet helpful. I'll spend a few more hours there tomorrow. It was also a very good reminder to not take good health for granted. It's one of the biggest blessings in this life.

The highlight of my day was getting a snail mail letter from Nerdstar. Even though it was written about a week ago, it makes me feel closer to her, seeing her handwriting.

Life is much, much better when there's no deadlines for anything, no timeframe to put things in. It makes everything from traffic to standing in line a ton less stressful. And less stress is what it's all about for now.

Things that made me laugh

I love channel surfing. On IFC today I ran across The Dinner Game. I'd seen it before and it was just what I needed this afternoon, smart and funny! If you get a chance, check it out.

Last night I started watching the second season of Coupling. Damn that stuff is funny!

Then tonight I watched the Charlie Brown Christmas program. Nerdstar would probably say I'm more like Lucy than I'd like. No music on this earth brings a smile to my face faster than the Snoopy song. (You know the one.)

Candidate Quotes

Robyn has a fantastic post on quotes from the presidential candidates on gay marriage. I've been wanting to write a post like that and, frankly, have just been too lazy.

I'd probably use slightly different quotes than hers, but basically the same. One I'd add, but haven't found online yet, is Hillary Clinton on Hardball with Chris Mathews stating that she's all for civil unions but believes marriage should only be for a man and a woman. Hmmm. And how does her stating that differ from Bush stating that? It doesn't except that Hillary is supposed to be the ultra role model for strong women and feminist and so on.

In talking with three or four other lesbians last weekend, I found that none of them had any idea that six of the nine Democrat candidates and Hillary all opposed gay marriage.

I know Bush is incredibly unpopular among gay voters. But the Dems don't always look any better on gay issues, and usually look a hell of a lot worse on most other issues.

More on Kids

I was going to leave a comment in the post below to answer Emmie's comment, but then it got kinda long, figured I'd just write a new post.

Before I found out I couldn't get pregnant (about a year or so ago), I was going to have a baby that looked like me, then Nerdstar was going to have a baby that looked like her, and if we had more, we'd mix it up. Yes, I was being selfish and wanted a little girl that looked just like me.

The month she found out she was being called to active duty was the month she was going to try to get pregnant for the first time. Obviously, that's been postponed until she gets home. I've told her that she can choose whatever type of sperm she wants. Neither of us will care one bit what our kids look like. By the time we actually have any they could be blue and orange and we wouldn't care. Fortunately, even my parents don't seem to care - they just want more grandchildren any way they can get them!

It's fun to watch people when she and I go out with my nephew Zachary and she's the one carrying him or holding his hand as they walk and I'm walking behind them - people usually look at them kinda funny, look around and see me, then you can see them thinking "oh, ok." And this is in the liberal city of Austin, not small town Texas.

I know there are tons of interracial people out there, one of my good friends is Scottish/Chinese. We'd be thrilled if our daughter turned out as pretty as she is. (hi Dawn!) I just worry about all the "stupid baggage" our kids will be carrying around as kids of an interracial lesbian couple. I joke around that I won't be saving for their college, I'll be saving for their therapy - there are scholarships for college :-) If you want to know why I worry, well, read the comments on any gay parents news story over on Lucianne sometime.

Names

Emmie is talking about new last names and marriage.

Nerdstar and I have talked about this sometimes, usually in the context of having kids. I really hate the whole hyphenated thing, and our last names just don't go together, Mauldin-Tuan, Tuan-Mauldin. Too much of a mouthfull. Until recently I didn't really believe marriage would be an option, so we haven't thrown around the idea of one of us taking the other's last name too much. I think the whole inter-racial aspect makes it more complicated. I certainly don't look like a Beth Tuan :-)

Just to make it all even more complicated, there's no way our kids will look like both of us. Nerdstar can't even decide on the race/ethnicity of the sperm she's going to use. And honestly, I have no idea what we'll do about last names. I think we've agreed that if it's a girl I'll name her, and Nerdstar gets to name him if it's a boy. The poor kids will probably have five names - English and Chinese first and middle names, maybe two last names. UGH!!

Have any of my gay/lesbian readers figured all of this out?

Don't Be Shy

Seriously, IM me - Bethlyn327 on Yahoo. I'd love to chat with you if you read this site!

UPDATE: Ok, I got my AIM working again - Bethlynn327.

Strange Times

I'm finding myself in a place in life I've never been before. I'm unemployed by choice and not really in any hurry to find a job. In fact, I don't think I can really seek out the ideal full time job this coming year because there are about six weeks I'll want to take off next year, not including the month I'll want to take once Nerdstar comes home from Iraq for good.

I don't really need any income for at least two months. And, if I decide to not work at all until Nerdstar comes home, her income is more than sufficient. I don't want to use her incredibly hard earned income for a life of ease though. That just doesn't seem right! I went ahead and applied for unemployment to buy me some time, I'm not sure it will be approved, but we'll see.

So, it appears I'm pretty much free to spend my time as I like for the forseeable future. But, I will be bored out of my skull soon if there is nothing more to do than watch tv, blog, walk the dog and eat. Two things I can always fall back on are substitute teaching and temp work. But, I probably won't look into those until after the first of the year.

Tomorrow I'm going to contact AIDS Services of Austin and Out Youth and see if they can use any office type help for the next couple of weeks.

The weekend before Christmas I'm probably going to go get Zachary and bring him back to Austin to get him out of the way. I just can't tell you how much I love spending time with this kid.

So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to fill up the coming year, or how to get a job that will be relatively stress free, let me take a hell of a lot of time off, I'm all ears!!

Nerdstar Update

They hadn't caught the rapist yet, apparently, he not only raped her but also beat her up pretty badly. Go to www.tribnet.com, that imbeded reporter has a story on it. I am about to go and read it myself.

I think we'll be driving up into Iraq before the week is over, if you had not heard from me for more than 3 days, chances are good that I am on the road now. It'll take us driving 3 days, at 12 hours a stretch, to get up to where we are going. I will be driving a 5 ton truck with our high-maintenanced xo as my passenger, and I will try to suppress my urge to punch him in the face when this is all over, he's so anal retentive it hurts!

Nerdstar mentioned the rape to me in an email a few days ago. The news story linked above is a good one. The reporter is from Tacoma and is embedded with the unit.

I cannot imagine how pissed I'd be if that happened to me while I was on active duty. Nerdstar said she hope the girl gets to go home. I don't know if she will or not. Maybe after the investigation.

That story, and this new story by the same reporter do absolutely nothing to make me worry any less.