Beth's Contradictory Brain

More help for military families

Mediocre Law Student left this in my comments, it's worth posting here:

Operation Home Front

Some of the Clear Channel radio stations around here are helping with the project, having military families call in with stuff they need help with (yard work, landscaping, building decks, etc.) that their loved one who is serving planned on doing or had started. Then, they ask local business or people to help, and there's always such an outpouring of help. It's amazing that so many people are willing to pitch in their time and money to help out these families.

How Nice of Them

"It's complete science fantasy. There is nothing in it that's connected to reality... It's very clear that no scientists were consulted in the making of the movie."

While I would assume that the quote was referring to The Day After Tomorrow, it's actually "scientists and the government" warning us about 10.5.

Heh

This is a hilarious cartoon for all my fellow trombone players out there!

Leaky Eyes

For whatever reason, my eyes have been even more leaky than usual today.

Since 9.11 my emotional state has been on the verge of tears pretty much non stop. Hmm, on the verge of tears might not be the most accurate, but I definitely cry at less than the drop of a hat since that day. It's beyond pms emotional crying over sappy commercials.

Adding a constant "white noise" of total fear about Nerdstar's safety for the past six months does nothing to help.

Anyway. I was driving to my little job this morning, the radio scanning all my preset stations as always, when I catch just enough of a conversation between morning djs I generally find way too happy family listening for my taste. One of the guys went off on how CNN is so biased and wrong in it's coverage of Iraq and all the good things the soldiers are doing. Thank god I wasn't drinking anything while driving, I would have had to clean it off the windshield. I stop the scanning and leave it on the station. Not only did the other male and female djs agree, the next fifteen minutes were about the good things in Iraq, and they actually called a soldier who's currently in Baghdad they had met at a "going away party" the radio station had held at Ft. Hood several months ago. They asked him about what the last 24 hours were like for him, how morale is, and how the Iraqi's really feel about Americans. The soldier sounded like a great guy, talked about life in Baghdad, mostly the lack of any sort of sewer system and waste management, and about how some sort of danger is a constant and a given and no big deal.

So yes, the tears were flowing as I pulled into the parking lot.

This afternoon while doing all my blog surfing I was reading the message boards on Strykernews and a soldier who's mom and girlfriend post there was killed the other day.

My heart breaks for them. I can only hope with all of my being I never have to post that something has happened to my Nerdstar. Every minute of every hour of every day over there brings the chance that a random mortar or IED (improvised explosive device) or bullet will hurt or kill her.

Tonight as I'm doing a little more surfing while watching the Mavs self destruct against the Kings, I run across this great overview of the Spirit of America drive to raise money to provide tv stations and broadcasting to Iraq and life at Camp Pendleton these days.

This time it's tears of hope and amazement at the generosity of people and, truly, the spirit of America.

Phone Home

I'm aware there are lots of ways out there to support the troops and so on. What's great about this one is it not only is great for the soldier's morale, it's at least as good for the soldier's loved ones - give a soldier a calling card!

I can tell you there's nothing as sweet as hearing Nerdstar's voice during this way too long separation. It's also rather expensive. Calling card minutes when used from Iraq end up being about 10 to 1 or worse. A hundred minute calling card usually expires in about ten minutes when calling from Iraq.

Uninspiring

I've spent the past three days reading and scoring essays for one of the standardized tests people in Texas can take to help determine if they can get into college. The topic was on making students who fail repeat the grade level.

I would have felt a whole lot better about the whole thing if these essays had been written by middle school kids instead of high school grads.

One observation, those who were against repeating the grade level were not usually the best of writers. Those who had actually had to repeat a grade (and included that info in their essay) were usually in favor of the idea.

Even worse than the grammer, and trust me is was usually pretty bad, it was the complete lack of original thoughts or voice that was really depressing.

Unfortunatley, I don't have any amusing anecdotes about either my coworkers or the essays.

Must Read

If reading this story of one Marine escorting a fallen soldier home doesn't make you cry like a baby I don't know what would.

More

Continuing the international thing... Jeff Jarvis links to a Saudi blogger and who he is and why he blogs. Check it out!

It's The Same All Over

I went to see a wonderful Iranian film tonight shown by the Austin Film Society called Ten.

There is no set up, no background info, the films start with a ten or eleven year old boy on the screen and the conversation between him and his mother. The film then progresses thru ten different conversations between the driver and her son, her sister, and others.

What we see is that family, sex, faith, love, heartache, marriage, independence, and traffic are the same all over.

Whether it is screened in your city, or you have to find it eventually on dvd, I really can't recommend this film highly enough.

Interviews with the director Abbas Kiarostami:
One
Two

Complicated

This news story talks about the legal and practical ramifications of the gay marriages in California and Oregon.

It gives me headaches just to think about it. So far Nerdstar and I haven't had to face any of these issues. The biggest change we've made in things is that all of our money is now in joint checking and savings accounts. (It'll be fun to work out spending style differences when she's back and has access to her money again!) Neither of us have a will yet, because we have no "real" property.

But I can't imagine how frustrated and pissed off we're going to be when she comes back from Iraq and we prusue our two biggest goals of buying a house and having a baby. It's not like those two events aren't huge and life changing and stressful enough. We'll have to jump thru god knows how many hoops and pay outrageous amounts of money in attorney's fees to try to protect our home and family when straight people can accomplish and gain so much more from a simple license and ceremony.

What makes it all piss me off that much more is that Nerdstar and I just celebrated our five year anniversary while both of our siblings' marriages of much sorter duration are both ending in divorce. Um, yeah, sanctity of marriage my ass.

Deep breath. End rant.

Cats and Birds

Spring isn't much fun when your cat likes to hunt and there are lots of baby animals for him to catch and bring home! Twice in the past couple of weeks I've had to throw out baby snakes (about six inches long).

In the past 12 hours I've been dealing with baby birds. Turns out there are a couple of bird's nests under the front overhang of our duplex. These little birds are trying to grow up and be brave and daring and learn how to fly. Unfortunately, this means they keep ending up on the ground - where Little Man thinks they make lovely toys and brings them in for all the pets to play with.

According to a website I found thru google, the best I can do for them - other than take them to some wildlife rehab place - is either put them back in their nest or make them one and place it close to the old one. I can't reach the old one so I've got them in a nice little bowl on top of the shrub close to the front of the house. All I can hope is that they will get fed and quickly learn how to fly!

Worth Posting

There was a story about Australia trying to forever ban gay marraige. And an artcile about how there's another movie being shot about eating nothing but McDs for 30 days, but instead of it making the woman totally ill she's losing weight. Hmm, wonder which movie will garner all the press.

Then I ran across this post about Lennie's last scenes on Law and Order. Now that's important stuff! And yes, he'll be missed a hell of a lot more than Ross.

Lucky Day

Yes, I'm really writing this at 5:21 in the a.m. It's been a very, very long 24 hours, but also pretty lucky. I got a wake up call from my Nerdstar about 22 hours ago. For whatever reason only certain people on her base get access to a phone. She's been lucky and the Air Force guys have been very nice and let her use their satellite phone sometimes. Today she finally got whatever badge or whatever she needs to have access to the regular phones that just require a calling card. Woohoo!

I drove to Houston this afternoon to check out a church a reader recommended. On the way there I got pulled over - the first time I've been pulled over in years - and I only got a warning! But why do those men always look so mean even when they're being nice?

Ok, so church was ok, but not great. The casino was only another 2 1/2 hours down the highway, and it wasn't raining like they said it would be... so I just had to go.

I sat down at a blackjack table with $40. At one point I had about $120, and then the next thing I knew I was back to $45. I headed over to the craps table and under two hours later I had $450. I lost $50 at roulette and blackjack just making sure my luck had ended. But that's 4 $100 bills going into the checking account Monday morning! Yeah me!

Now I'm off to bed to see how long I can sleep

Gay Cartoons

Gay Cartoons

The lesbian ones were funnier than I thought they'd be!

Found on Queerly Canadian's site.

Quick Question

I don't generally write about or link big news stories. There are at least four or five sites on my blogroll that cover the daily news stories much better than I ever could. But, that means I'm assuming you guys read the sites on my blogroll.

So - the question is - do you read the other sites or would you like for me to do more linking to commentary on these events that I think is worth reading?

5 Years

Wow. Happy Anniversary, Baby! What a crazy five years it's been. From that first night filled with non sequiturs to this current long time apart. It hasn't always been easy, and we haven't had the best of luck, but it's all been better with you.

You're my Nerdstar Snuggle Bunny snacker extraordinaire! You've stuck with me and put up with me and made me laugh and taken care of me.

I love you. Here's to the next five years being much, much better.

Happy anniversary!

Hi again, long time no see, this is nerdstar and I just wanted to say happy anniversary of 5 years to my lovely porn queen, the love of my life, Beth! I don't know what I'd do, or where I'd do it without her! In this world where people are sometimes cruel and just plain weird, she gives me such shelter from all that icky stuff!
Even though I am in Iraq right now, I still am feeling as blushed and "innocent" when I think about her, and cannot wait to get back to her and the kids!
I just wanted her to know that I love her very much, and just wait until I get back home!

Local LCR

The other event of my day was attending my first meeting of the Austin chapter of the Log Cabin Republicans. It was me, four (presumably) gay men and a (mostly?) straight couple.

One of the biggest obsticles to me getting involved in politics is figuring out with which party to get involved. I've been a registered Libertarian for a while now, but God knows that party just isn't ever going to get it together. I generally feel too much like an outsider, you know, being gay and all, to be a gung-ho republican. Yet, I'm much too big on self reliance and independence and capitalism and strong defense to be a democrat.

But after reading Boi From Troy the last week or so I decided to give LCR a chance. I was actually surprised to see that Austin has a local chapter being as liberal as it is.

Right Side of the Rainbow writes a good post about whether LCR is more gay or republican. The issues he raises are definitely things I'll be thinking over and trying to decide for myself.

That ideal thirdy party I long for never stops sounding like a great thing.

Blogging Rumsfeld

Mr. Jarvis got to live blog Rumsfeld today. Scroll down to "blogging Rumsfeld" and then read up from there. I've love for the answers to the questions that there was time to ask to be about ten times as long as these are. But it sounds to me like he at least understands the issues the modern army is facing and wishes like I do the solutions were faster and easier to implement.

Go read!

Habitat for Humanity Oral History Project

I've actually been out and about all day today.

Several weeks ago I got an email from Habitat for Humanity looking for admin volunteers. I had looked into house building volunteering, but wasn't sure I could handle the hot Texas sun. So the admin help sounded much more feasable. At the orientation there was a list of opportunities and I was more than thrilled when I read they were going to have an oral history project.

I spent all four years in college working in the Oral History department and then did some freelance transcribing and editing when I was living back at home a few years ago. I think it's so cool to hear people's stories.

The Austin chapter of Habitat for Humanity is about to celebrate their 20th anniversary and their 200th house built, hence the idea for the oral history. One of the women who's on the board of directors is spearheading the effort and that's who I met with today. She's got a documentary maker and someone with audio editing as well. It looks like I'm going to do the interviews and transcribing. I think it's going to be a fantastic project. I'll definitely keep you updated.

Better Writing Than Mine

I don't have a very big blog roll, but damn if they aren't the best writers.

Smitten has a great description of one of those moods.

Heather has two great posts - ok, two more great posts. The first is about trying to use pc inclusive pronouns and langauge when writing a book for teens about sex. The second is on carrying her own groceries home.

Tony Pierce rambles like a mother fucker and sometimes makes me want to punch him, but damn if he isn't brilliant and funny and thoughtful. I keep telling myself if I'm not working by the end of May I'm going to do just what he says - get in my car and drive and meet people.

Then there's the equally brilliant and frustrating Emperor Norton. I've never been to Chicago, but I can picture it now - or at least the fashion of the city. I love how all cities have their own look and feel. One of the reasons I love Austin is because we're all basically slobs in jeans and t-shirts year round.

Kiss of Death?

OMG. Flipping channels during commercials I hit Larry King Live just in time to hear that Omarosa is back to being a political consultant for the democrats. Which, pretty much means she'll be working to help Kerry get elected.

That has to be the best news republicans have heard in a while!

Watching the final episode of The Apprentice I found it fascinating and rather telling that the absolute worst person at business, yet the absolute best at lying and self promotion and covering her ass was the only person among them who had spent time in Washington - Omarosa.

Do the democrats really want her on their side? I doubt it!

Link Love

I finally got it together and submitted something for Carnival of The Vanities. It's hosted this week by SouthernMusings - check it out!

Beginner's Luck

I've been wanting to learn how to play poker for a while now. About two years ago I put a notice out on a local lesbian email list to see if anyone was interested. We had one couple show up one night and we never heard from them again. I don't like gambling online. I'm not paranoid, but there is no way to know how the games are programmed to let people win or not. (Yes, I understand the math is very, very complicated.) I knew if I was going to play poker I wanted to sit at a real table and play against real people. It's very motivating that 95% of the players are men, and I think it'd be fun to take their money.

So, I finally decided to see what I could find here in Austin thru MeetUp. The previous two or three poker meetup nights were rare nights I actually had to be somewhere. Tonight, I finally went to one. There was one other woman there, she was with her husband. Other than that there were about nine guys there, two thirds of them in their twenties. I think the common factor among poker players is going to be ego.

One of the guys there said he'd host a game at his place after the meeting. I figured since they already knew I was a complete beginner it'd be a good time to sit at a table and give it a try.

It was a $20 buy in and two hours later I left with $62.75. What sucks is I'm almost positive it was just beginners luck designed by the Gambling Gods to suck me in so they have a new way for me to hand them more of my money.

Now I'm on a couple of guys' email lists here in town and we'll see how it goes.

Numbers

The nice little counter over there reads 349 days. 157 of those she's been in Iraq. 45 days ago we said goodbye, again, at an airport and I walked away crying and breathless.

I don't even know how to describe or explain the constant sadness, missing, worry, frustration and general blahness that has made up 99% of every single one of those 349 days.

We think, if we're lucky, we've got around 200 more days to go. 550 days without my Nerdstar. Even just counting to 550 takes longer than I'd like to be apart from her. 550 hours is longer than some couples spend apart during their entire relationship.

Spring Cleaning Help

Sort of. I love my little blog, but I have to admit that as blogs go, it's not a very pretty one. So I'm putting out a call for help. I'd love a cool banner, maybe a little redesign. I have no design skills whatsoever.

I'll bake you cookies, send you your favorite dvd, just help me make this look better...

anyone?

Lileks v Sullivan

This 2 a.m. web surfing is getting to be a real habit. Thankfully, it's saving you, my dear readers, from my drival because I find much better reading to link to for you. (Hey, I did say it's 2 a.m.)

Lileks fisking Sullivan is a perfect example of different points of view colliding.

I'd have to say Lileks wins this round.

Maybe It's the Vodka

Maybe not. But you HAVE to start with this link of 9 reasons not to drink and then just scroll on down until you're read everything you can. Trust me. You and your Monday will be much better for it!

Motorcycle Mama

What a nice, long day. I got up at 7:30 this morning to go meet up with the women's motorcycle group. Yes, I'm in a motorcycle gang. (That cracks me up!) The first time I rode with them was a week or two after Nerdstar left for Tacoma last May. They give me a hard time that I'm just making her up. I can't wait until she's home to go riding with me!!

I was really hoping for perfect riding weather today, but didn't get it. It was totally cloudy, about 68 degrees and very, very windy. Wind and motorcycles aren't a good combo. What was cool was feeling like I've matured enough as a rider to handle it.

The best part of the day, as is always the case on the rides with the group, was the scenery. The Texas Hill Country is tailor made for riding. All day I wished I could just mount a video camera to the front of my bike to show you guys what I was seeing. Hills and curves and fields of wildflowers and blue bonnets and the clouds racing across the sky.

One good thing about motorcycle riding is you don't have to stop to smell the flowers, you can smell them as you go flying by. One bad thing about motorcycle riding is you don't have to stop to smell the cow shit!

Curious and Pissy

Does it say more about me or my friends that although I've made it clear that I'm going thru one of the loneliest times of my life, my phone never rings and my email box is mostly empty?

Update:

Ignore me. I'd delete this but that seems dishonest. It's just my weekly Saturday night self pity fest.

I think I'm just in a phase of life where everything is being stripped bare. And while it's not fun, it's not a bad thing. I realized as I was falling asleep a little while ago that it's a different kind of lonely than I felt before Nerdstar came into my life. It's not a lonely that overwhelms my heart and soul.

Remakes

One of the many previews I saw yesterday was for the remake of the Stepford Wives. Gotta agree with FilmBrain's take on this one.

Nerdstar and I caught the original on some cable network quite a while back. I don't think I'd seen it before, although I've always been aware of the references to it. It was definitely a creepy social commentary, and now they're making it a comedy. From the previews it didn't even seem like a very dark comedy.

I love old movies. I love what they tell us about the time period they were made in. I love the beauty of actors like Cary Grant and Lana Turner and Ingrid Bergman. I love the beauty of movies shot in black and white.

And for the most part I can't stand remakes. I think they're completely unnecessary.

Yet, I like cover songs. I like when a new artist take a really great song and make it their own.

I wonder why the discrepancy.

We and Them

I've been thinking this week about how in the mid to late 90s, when the internet, and vitual reality, and The Matrix, first really came on the scene. There was all this talk about all of us individuals sitting in our dark little rooms plugged into our computers and totally unplugged from the real world.

But with the advent of blogs I've seen a real change. It's all personal. And that's a very good thing.

As a lesbian or a Christian or whatever, I've always believed that the only way to change someone's views, stereotpyes and perceptions of lesbians or Christians is if they get to know me and I don't exactly fit those views, stereotypes and perceptions. It has to be on an individual basis. Same for me, if I don't know any people who are pretty different from me, then I can depersonalize those types of people and see them as - well - them. And we all know what "we" can do to "them".

Blogs have the ability to bring a lot of "we" into conversations with a lot of "them". That's the value of reading someone write about a lot of topics over a period of time, I'm more likely to find something we have in common, which makes them a little less "them".

When you add in the fact that blogs also cross all geographic boundries, it becomes and even better thing. When Iraqis and Iranians and Chinese and Japanese and Korean and Australian and American bloggers are reading each other, communicating with one another, seeing a real, honest look at every day life for each other, it can only change things for the better.

Comics and Kill Bill 2

Today was a day of new comic books and Kill Bill 2. I got the final comic book in the 1602 series, and I just haven't been very impressed with the whole series. I guess it was written for more hard core Mavel fans than me, and that's fine.

I also picked up the final book in the My Faith in Frankie four book series and loved it! It's cute, funny, irreverent, and the girl gets the girl and her god.

I wasn't sure I wanted to venture out to see Kill Bill 2 today because I knew the theater would be a little more crowded than I like. But I also hate seeing endless previews and having to skip endless reviews before going to see something. It was definitely worth seeing today! Yes, QT is an arrogant ass, and was really self indulgent with the dialoge in this movie, but the really cool parts more than made up for it. I absolutely loved the fight between Uma and Daryl - fanastic. It's a totally different film than the first one, and yet just as good. QT also did something really cool with the filming - which I'll post below just in case...

Now the Yankees are losing to the Red Sox, and later the Rangers play the Mariners.

Even better - it's Dallas v Sacramento and Houston v LA in the first round of basketball playoffs. So with any luck at all - both CA teams will be tossed by Texas teams in the first round :-) Go Mavs!!

OutQ

Thanks to Robyn who pointed me to the link to listen to OutQ on Sirius' website.

I'll give it a listen, sometimes it's good to hear what "the other side" is saying. ;-)

Which reminds me, driving back to Austin from Dallas on Monday I caught a couple of diverse am radio programs. One was on a Christian radio station and it was all about their drive to get people to contact congress regarding the federal marriage ammendment. Then not long after that I caught a fairly conservative radio talk show host and a gay advocate also talking about gay marriage. Honestly, all both programs did was piss me off to no end. The irony of the Christian show was the title of the program had the word "freedom" in it, when all they are interested in is making a group of people different from them a hell of a lot less free. The other program wasn't about a real dialogue, it was about using semantics and false premises to try to show up the other guy.

I couldn't have felt less represented by any of those people. Which I guess is a huge part of why I have this blog - to represent myself.

Nerdstar Update

From her latest email:

Sorry that I wasn't able to be online yesterday or the night before. A total of 6 mortar rounds went off in the last 2 days/nights, and two of them went off about 30 feet away from where we were in the computer lab, I guess it was something of a sign that I shouldn't linger any longer in that area.

I am safe and sound though, so don't worry!

I went on a convoy to give the chief warrant her leave packet, we took the long way to the airfield and the ride was rough, we got tossed around the back of the truck somewhat, thank God that no one fell out of it!

I got so tired afterward that I just fell asleep, but not for too long, my roommate came back from her convoy and was bitching about how her bosses don't let her do anything on convoys anymore since her co-worker got hurt.

And this group needed help with getting someone from the med. clinic, a 22 years old had a heart attack while playing volleyball... supposedly, he had a pre-existing heart condition, so my question is, why is he even here?

Page 23

This set of directions is making rounds on the literary blogs.

*Pick up the nearest book.
*Turn to the 23rd page.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Write it your journal. (Or post it on your blog.)

"They passed a stretch of tall, looming buildings, abandoned and lonely, bounded by a high brick wall."

Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman

For Hugh

Hugh has been promoting the film Young Adam on his blog for quite a while now, and it's finally having it's big opening in the US. He emailed Tilda Swinson, the lead actress, four questions and she emailed him her answers. Gotta love technology. Go read the exchange, then find where the movie is showing near you and go see it. I saw it during the SXSW film festival, it's not a happy movie but it is beautifully written, filmed and acted.

Gay Radio

I've been a stock holder in both XM and Sirius Satellite Radio for about two years now. I've even got little Zachary investing in Sirius. Nerdstar and I used to have XM in her car, but that car has been sitting in Houston for almost a year now and I just haven't been driving enough to spend the money to put satellite radio in my car.

While seeing how much money I lost in the stock market today, I saw this news article on the gay channel on Sirius celebrating it's 1st year anniversary. I didn't know they had a gay channel. Pretty cool. Although the idea of having to listen to Harvey Fierstein is worse than fingernails on a chalk board.

Every once in a while I hear talk of a gay cable tv channel, but if Queer Eye and Will and Grace are any example of the programming, no thanks.

See, again, this is me being contradictory. While I think it'd be way cool for there gay tv and radio and everything else - diversity is good, I'm not usually a big fan of the content of such things. I don't like Ellen or Melissa or the Indigo Girls or KD or Queer Eye or most episodes of Queer as Folk and I could write a fairly long post on the stereotypes and wrong messages of The L Word.

What separates me from a lot of my conservative side, though, is that I don't think it's the end of American culture that such performers are on the airways! I'm a big advocate of changing the channel or hitting the off button if you don't like such content.

Must Read

Andrew Sullivan posts another letter from another soldier over in Iraq. It seems like a reasonable take on if there were/are enough troops, morale of those being extended and what about Iraq makes it so hard to accomplish our bigger goals.

Interesting

Did I get the war wrong?

By JOHANN HARI
BRITISH JOURNALIST

Here's his conclusion:
If this were Vietnam -- a country alternately incinerated and poisoned by the Americans -- I would want the troops out. If this were occupied Palestine -- a country reduced to sub-Saharan poverty by a cruel and futile Israeli occupation -- I would want the troops out. Iraq is not Vietnam and it is not Palestine. After my week of wobbling, I have come to the conclusion that the only decent course is to keep supporting the clear majority of Iraqis: against Saddam, against al-Sadr and against killing al-Sadr, and against immediate troop withdrawal.

And we must back the Iraqis in the biggest demand of all: a transition to real, full Iraqi democracy -- and fast.

Please go read the whole article, it's an interesting point of view on life under S.H., how many lives are being saved by the removal of S.H. and the opinions of Iraqis about their lives and futures.

Longing for Simple and Normal

I've been trying to compose this in my head all day. I'm longing for simple. And maybe if my life wasn't so varied, if it were a little more pigeonholed, it would be more simple. At first I was thinking it was just a matter of having too many variables in my makeup. That I'm gay, a military spouse, christian, capitalist, libertarian and so forth complicates things.

But then I realized that I don't even fit the normal definitions of most of those distinctions. As a lesbian I'm not a vegeterian or a hippy or a liberal. As a Christian I was pretty far out there without adding the whole gay thing to it. As a military spouse I certainly don't really fit, again, even without the whole gay thing. Yes, I am patriotic and think we live in the best country in the world, but I'm not a big fan of military life and so far I'm not impressed with how it's ran from a personnel and logistics and budget stand point.

The title of this blog would have been appropriate even when I was in middle school. One of my best friends, who I spent endless nights on the phone with talking about everything and nothing, used to get so mad at me because in the same conversation I'd end up passionately defending both sides of an arugment. Being able to see mutliple sides of an issue certainly doesn't make for simple.

Broadening out - I was reading all the titles on the articles on the Command Post website about all the terror related things going on all over the world. Again I longed for a more simple world. These days it's easy to say, man, life sure was more simple before 9/11. But that's not really true. Yes, we all thought it was. But it wasn't. The world has always been a complicated place to live.

In the past few years there has been a big industry crop out regarding simplifying life. Some of it is good, clean out the clutter and debris in your home and get organized. It certainly helps us feel more in charge. I wish I believed it made any difference in the bigger picture.

But more than anything, most days I wish I were one of those people who only had one lense to see the world thru - and while we're at it, that it was rose colored and only extended to about arms length out.

Unfortunately, it's just not that simple.

Andy's 5 Questions

Yesterday Stephen wrote a post about Andy Rooney's 5 Questions to soldiers. I decided to take it to the source and emailed them to Nerdstar to get her answers. Here they are:

1. Do you think your country did the right thing sending you into Iraq?

My country would have done the right thing by sending me into Iraq with a specific duty, I did not come here just to be here and not do much of anything.
I am a supply clerk to a unit with minimal supply activity.

2. Are you doing what America set out to do to make Iraq a democracy, or have we failed so badly that we should pack up and get out before more of you are killed?

There is a lot of misunderstanding between the Iraqi people, what they wanted, and what we think they wanted. Military might will quell the conflicts for a
little while. There is a large distance between the common Iraqis and the so called leaders, to which, some of them already were in positions of power before
the coalition took over, and have very little clues as to what their people are going through. Sometimes, America does't have all the answers.

3. Do the orders you get handed down from one headquarters to another, all far removed from the fighting, seem sensible, or do you think our highest command is out of touch with the reality of your situation?

Extremely so, to the higher headquarters people, it's all about what they can present to their superiors that seems to be filling all the gaps. We've got cooks who are not cooking, supply clerks who are not doing supply operations, in general, there seems to be a lot of misplacement of personnels. Some of us, just plain don't have defined duties.

4. If you could have a medal or a trip home, which would you take?

A trip home, of course!

5. Are you encouraged by all the talk back home about how brave you are and how everyone supports you?

If the claims were only correct! Americans seem to go through phases of supporting the troops and then not so much so.

Variety Fluff

Ok, I admit it. I watched the Britney concert on Showtime a week or so ago. It was like watching a car wreck (worn out cliche that that is). Between the obvious and horrible lip synching and the soft core porn it was absolutely riviting!

Now, thanks to my dvr, I'm watching the actually wholesome and entertaining Nick and Jessica Variety Hour. Cheesy rules! Yes, those are some spectacular boobs! (No, Nerdstar, not as wonderful as yours!!) I loved the commercial last week about the show talking about "the duo." Jessica as Dolly - the only singer with bigger ones - hysterical! Kermit and Miss Piggy - cool!! Although I must say, if they ever release the "making of" we'll probably need calculators to keep up with the number of takes it took Jessica to get all of her lines right!

At least Nick and Jessica can sing. The other contrast is that I would let my 13 year old watch Nick and Jessica, Britney - not a chance.

To save a little face, I did watch the seasons end of The L Word. What a mess. But, they succeeded, I'll be watching it again next season.

Too Much

What a difference a couple of days can make. When I was driving up to Dallas Saturday morning I was an emotional wreck and in tears. The stress of the past few days couldn't be ignored.

There were so many things I was grappling with. It's been one thing to have a general sense of worry about Nerdstar and missing her terribly. It was another thing altogether when her life was in much more real and imminent danger.

One of the obvious issues is where do I find comfort. Honestly, not really from anywhere other than hearing from Nerdstar herself that's she's alive and well, at least for the time being.

I tried praying Friday night and just couldn't for so many reasons. Mostly because I don't believe he's "there for me." I'm still struggling a lot with what kind of God I believe exists. Does praying for a particular soldier really make them any safer? Does God actually take an active interest in our individual lives? I used to believe that. But even if he does, does he in mine? I've reached out in the past few months to several people I used to be really close to when I was going to church. Even knowing how hard things are for me with Nerdstar being gone, at best the response has been total indifference. If I can't count on Christians to be supportive and understanding, then who could I count on?

Then there's the issue of feeling totally selfish. Yes, I'm all for a free and democratic Iraq - but not at the price of Nerdstar's life. Well, then who's life do I think it should be? Beats me.

There was more in there, but you get the picture.

The drive back to Austin was much more calm. I'm still worried, still don't have any answers, but I'm not as emotionally wrecked.

Technology is Nice

I got lucky and caught Nerdstar online this morning before their curfew set in and she had to go. In addition to the webcam, my brother has a mic I got to use so she could hear me! Even better, my parents and Zachary got home from church in time for Nerdstar to get to see Zachary on the webcam and they got to make faces at each other and she could hear him laugh.

There really is nothing like time with a soon to be 3 year old to brighten your outlook on things.

Nerdstar Update

This is part of an email I got from her this morning:

Sorry that I was not able to get on. We got bombed big time last night. The first one landed at the gym, and it injured about 25 people and killed one. There were firefights at the gates, and another bomb just exploded outside one of the gates. We had to get our full combat gear on and stay in buildings instead of
our trailers, and it'll be that way for the next two nights. I don't know if what's happening in Fallujah is coming up here, but they said that what happens or
doesn't happen in the next two nights will be a good indicator of what's to come.

I am alright, even though I was at the same gym just 30 minutes before. For some reasons, I decided not to work out at my usual work out time and opted for a work out about one hour earlier than usual. See, Nerdstar will live for a long time!

Done

Done, I'm Done and I'm On To The Next One.

It's 1 a.m. and as per normal this week, I'm waiting for my Nerdstar to log on so we can chat. Then I'm going to sleep as much as I can because I need to get up about 9 and drive to Dallas to visit my family for Easter weekend. I decided I'd rather stay Monday for a long weekend than go up there today. When I saw the traffic out there when I went to lunch I realized it was the smart choice.

As for the done stuff, I think I'm going to take a little break from posting until I get back to Austin. Well, you know, unless something really interesting happens, or just happens to cross my mind.

Happy Weekend!

More eloquent

Sarah writes a more eloquent post about her disappointment with this week in Iraq.

Stupid and Frustrating

More exerpts from one of our IMs. The breaks are where I deleted unrelated sappy stuff. This isn't graphic or anything, but it is about troops dying. The rest is our unrefined bitching and moaning.

Double Damn

I'm so frustrated with our government I could spit nails. There's Michael Powell and the FCC instituting a nanny state in all areas of broadcasting. (Read the past few months of Jeff Jarvis if you're unaware of this.) Then there's Ashcroft thinking it's a good time to spend effort and energy and money on clamping down on porn. (Maybe if he got those clamps off his balls he'd lighten up some.) Throw in all this political bullshit 9.11 grandstanding just for good measure.

But what has me totally pissed is that the DoD can't seem to get it's shit together regarding how many troops need to be where when. My friend who's husband has already been in Iraq for a year in Baghdad just got word that instead of coming home in the next few weeks they'll be extending their time in Iraq for 120 days. Not only that, but they'll also be moving out from their camp to where there's no electricty and no communication home.

Tim got the same word about his wife Patti.

Not only that, but troops who had just come home two weeks ago thinking they were done with Iraq are being sent back in a week. That's highly unusual. Normally troops get at least six months before being redeployed to a hot zone. (Notice the word normally, this is what I've been told, which means it's probably not always true.)

I wrote a long time ago that if you're one big responsibility is logistics, why the hell can't the DoD do a better job of it. And if it's because they didn't see this little uprising happening then they should get their head out of their ass.

No, this doesn't affect Nerdstar at this point in time. November is too far away to have any idea what will be going on by then. As I've also written, this summer will be the real test of things. But it still has me totally pissed.

MORE:
I am in absolutely no way disparaging the troops over there or the hard work they are doing and the risk they are taking. I'm pissed at the bigger picture. I'd feel a lot better if our commander in chief were publicly speaking about the current situation and what is being done and is going to be done, or hell, if even Rumsfeld were giving us better information. I'd feel a lot better if there were any indication there will be any semblance of an Iraqi government to hand things over to. I'd feel a lot better if there were more Iraqis fighting alongside our troops.

STILL THINKING:
I'm sure it's a very basic fear that fuels a lot of this anger. I can't tell you how deep the fear of something happening to Nerdstar runs in me. It's making me an odd sort of superstituous. I keep thinking that if we're having any sort of good fortune now, as in being able to communicate regularly, then we'll pay a high price for it later.

But my fear isn't just for my Nerdstar, it's for any soldier I know over there or who's blog I read, or loved ones I know. I can't imagine anything worse than if one of the soldiers who's time is extended is killed over there when their loved ones feel they should have been home already instead.

Another post by Tim where he writes on why the word "soon" has no meaning when "never" is a possibility. I know exactly what he means!

Again, why blog?

From Just One Bite: A friend who is an analyst in the Internet industry discussed bloggers with me recently over wine: what motivates them? Why do they start? Why do they keep blogging? He didn't know I was one, at first, but then I showed him J1B. Then there was more wine, some browsing, some drunken typing, and we made a list. So, what the hell... I give you:

35 Imagined Answers to "Why Do You Blog?"

Me - #6, 12, 19, 20, 22, 26, 34, 35 - in no particular order.

Update:

In a mostly related post, Ryan writes about blogging as a hobby - like coin collecti