Beth's Contradictory Brain

Spirit Of America

What better way to end Memorial Day than to put our money where our mouths are and help Iraq.

Spirit of America is doing just that.

Please read the whole post over at BuzzMachine about this - see how much is already being done.

Then go read this about how Fed Ex is providing free shipping - and so much more that's going on already.

If you do nothing else, please link this story on your blog.

Update: I tried emailing SofA about volunteering and the email was returned because their box is full. That's a good sign!

Not Forgetting

I've spent a lot of the past three days watching old WWII movies and documentaries. Even leafed thru a book while at the bookstore yesterday.

It's been 60 years since D-Day. Is it even possible to realize and recognize how much the world has changed in that time, and that so much of it changed for the better because of the sacrifices made then? I'm not sure it is.

But, just because this generation of soldiers isn't "the greatest generation" do not believe for one minute their heroism is any less or their sacrifice any less.

It's clear in hindsight how damned important it was for the US to enter WWII and help the Allies win. Most days I believe that a successful war on terror will be even more important to the future of the world. There's just no way in the beginning of it to judge it accurately. Especially when there are so few who can even articulate what the overall goal is. (Hopefully Bush speaks to us more about this in the next few months.)

Here's to the soldiers - past and present - who fight for freedom and democracy. We can never thank them enough.

Must Read

Amen, Brother. I couldn't agree more and couldn't say it better.

Wet Blanket

I've told myself many times today I should be feeling relief and not this total sadness that has set in. I cried a lot this afternoon, and even now am more on the verge of tears than usual. Nerdstar's close call has put a wet blanket on everything.

I did get out of the house this evening and went to see Shrek 2 with some new friends (a couple of the poker players from the other night) and then we went out for margaritas. It was nice to almost be distracted. But really, all I can think is that it could have so easily have been a phone call from the army instead of that email this morning.

It's partly the time delay that makes it hard. See, it's not like if she's killed or injured I'll be notified immediately. It could take a while. It's that while that worries me. I could be at the movies, like tonight, trying not to worry, trying to have a good time, and then I could find out tomorrow that while I was trying to have a good time, she was killed. I don't know if I'm explaining that well. But it translates into nothing ever being really fun and "carefree."

I guess that's the crux of having a soldier off at war.

I'm certain parents know the feeling, especially once the kids get their driver's license. Waiting up, lying in bed waiting to hear the car pull in the driveway, your kid come thru the front door safe and sound. Except the feeling is 24/7 for at least a year.

No words

Needless to say reading this email from Nerdstar makes me cry:

I wish that my life was unexciting today. 6 trailers got taken out by mortars, I was in the area and saw/heard everything. One of the guys who got injured got pulled out of his trailer, he was lifeless, and bled so much that you couldn't tell where he was bleeding from, the rest of the people in the trailer (this happened around 1 in the afternoon) got either burns or burns/shrapnel wounds, a few of them had to be airlifted to Baghdad, because the med. facilities here couldn't do much of anything for them.

Me and few other people pulled fire extinguishers out of other un-hit trailers and started spraying, but it was no use, the insulation materials of the trailers burned really fast and before you know it, everything was in flames.

There's this one sgt., who usually cuts my bangs, and her soldiers were the ones who got injured and when she found out, she was shaking and I kind of lost it too.... a few minutes later. I've never seen anyone so bloodied and screamed so loud in my life, and the people that got hit were really young too.

I was in one of the trailers that got destroyed just a few minutes earlier, I stepped out, figured I can use a few minutes to check my e-mail, and then it happened, two of the people who were still in that trailer got 2nd. degree burns.... I think someone wants me to live.

I miss you, and wish that I could just go home now, I wish that everyone could go home.

I will write more to you soon, hug yourself and the kids for me!

I have to admit I don't pray for Nerdstar very often. And lately the worry has been a little more below the surface. But, last night when I finally went to bed after not hearing from her all day, the worry level increased and I said the briefest of prayers. There's just no explaining the complete randomness of who gets hurt/killed and who doesn't - and that's what makes it so hard. Well, that and being completely unable to do a damn thing from here to make my girl any safer.

This is twice she's left a building less than thirty minutes before it was blown up. Hopefully she's like a cat and has nine lives!

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the soldiers involved.

Sports and War Movies

I've watched seven baseball games in two days. Six of those were the Women's College World Series games. Can anyone explain to me why in the world all those girls have long hair? They're athletes, it's not practical. I think they're trying too hard to look girly.

Now I'm watching Tuner Classic Movies, which has been another habit lately. They're showing 38 war movies this weekend. I'm sure these will go nicely with all the baseball.

Memorial Day Weekend

This post is a little more off the cuff that I'd like, but oh well.

The point of this weekend is to remember all those people in our country's history who fought and died to help make this country and the world the place it is.

This is when I wish I were a history buff. But if there was any other country in the history of the world that fought so many wars and lost so many soldiers NOT to gain territory or power, but to advance freedom and democracy I don't know what country it is. And it's not because we didn't have the military power to do so.

I generally think the views of the anti-war crowd are all out of whack. We could be imperialists, and we're just not.

Anyway. That's a tangent I didn't plan on writing about.

What I want to write about is missing my Nerdstar. And how weird it is that her current military service doesn't make me feel any more sentimental about Memorial Day or anything else military related. It's this weird disconnect in my life. Maybe it's not living on base or in any other way associating with other military people (other than a couple of military wives I stay in touch with thru emails and blogging - Hi Dawn and Sarah!) I think part of it is also that Nerdstar isn't a gung-ho military type. I'm not sure she thinks about "the bigger picture" much. She's more concerned with just getting thru every day and getting home. Maybe it is partly the whole gay thing and how the military generally views it.

What I most want to say is how proud of Nerdstar I am. I could not do what she's doing. I'd be sent home as a mental case.

Her email address is there on the left - drop her a line and say hi.

Guilted Into It

Tony asks: do you have the guts to take the honest bloggers-only quiz

1. which political party do you typically agree with? libertarian

2. which political party do you typically vote for? i mix it up

3. list the last five presidents that you voted for? Harry Browne, Dole, Bush, Dukakis - the man I've voted for has never won.

4. which party do you think is smarter about the economy? republican

5. which party do you think is smarter about domestic affairs? republican

6. do you think we should keep our troops in Iraq or pull them out? finish the job

7. who, or what country, do you think is most responsible for 9/11? OBL and Al Quaida

8. do you think we will find weapons of mass destruction in iraq? yes

9. yes or no, should the u.s. legalize marijuana? hell yes.

10. do you think the republicans stole the last presidental election? no

11. do you think bill clinton should have been impeached because of what he did with monica lewinski? no, but for lying like a dog - yes

12. do you think hillary clinton would make a good president? no

13. name a current democrat who would make a great president: none

14. name a current republican who would make a great president: bush - but I can't begin to imagine who either party will have running in '08

15. do you think that women should have the right to have an abortion? no

16. what religion are you? Christian - in a heretical sort of way

17. have you read the Bible all the way through? yes, more than once.

18. what's your favorite book? A Prayer for Owen Meany

19. who is your favorite band? none

20. who do you think you'll vote for president in the next election? Bush.

21. what website did you see this on first? tonypierce.com + busblog

Then this is a follow up set of questions:

1. Do you try to look hot when you go to the grocery store just in case someone recognizes you from your blog? HA. Forget the recognized part, I generally don't try to look hot at all.

2. Are the photos you post Photoshopped or otherwise altered? Nope

3. Do you like it when creeps or dorks email you? as empty as my email is, sure.

4. Do you lie in your blog? not usually

5. Are you passive-aggressive in your blog? i'm sometimes tempted to be.

6. Do you ever threaten to quit writing so people will tell you not to stop? Nope.

7. Are you in therapy? If not, should you be? If so, is it helping? No, maybe, don't think it would help.

8. Do you delete mean comments? Do you fake nice ones? No, wow - now there's an idea.

9. Have you ever rubbed one out while reading a blog? How about after? No and no

10. If your readers knew you in person, would they like you more or like you less? hopefully more

11. Do you have a job? not currently

12. If someone offered you a decent salary to blog full-time without restrictions, would you do it? absolutely

13. Which blogger do you want to meet in real life? It'd be cool to meet everyone on my blogroll

14. How many bloggers have you made out with? 0 - Nerdstar wouldn't let me.

15. Do you usually act like you have more money or less money than you really have? Considering how poor I am, I probably act like I have more money than I do.

16. Does your family read your blog? no

17. How old is your blog? about two and a half

18. Do you get more than 1000 pageviews per day? Do you care? no, yes, sometimes.

19. Do you have another secret blog in which you write about being depressed, slutty, or a liar? no, I don't really see the point in that.

20. Have you ever given another blogger money for his/her writing? no, I'm pretty sure they all have more money than I do, most certainly have better jobs.

21. Do you report the money you earn from your blog on your taxes? I wouldn't if I earned any.

22. Is blogging narcissistic? only in the best kind of way

23. Do you feel guilty when you don't post for a long time? yeah

24. Do you like John Mayer? no but Nerdstar does.

25. Do you have enemies? I don't have enough readers to have enemies

26. Are you lonely? very

27. Why bother? because I can

Message vs Messenger

I was playing poker during Bush's speech last night so I recorded it and watched it later. I thought the plan seemed clear enough, simple enough. (No, the reality of making it happen isn't simple.) I kept wondering if you simply took the text and didn't say who wrote it or spoke it or anything, and had people who are sort of against us being in Iraq but not dogmatic about it read it, if they would say oh, ok, that makes sense.

Basically, I wonder if hating the messenger prevents hearing the message. (Yes, that's a rhetorical wondering.)

I mean, I keep wondering how you can hear how totally brutal life under Saddam was, how there are now more jobs, more schools, more hospitals, more electricity, internet cafe's, and within a year or so 26 million people will be able to vote in a real election and think - this must stop now!!

When Bush was talking about the first elections, probably a year and a half away, I thought, wow, that day will totally bring tears to my eyes. And by then Nerdstar will be long home, our lives in any normal way totally unaffected by elections in Iraq, but still, it'll bring tears to my eyes.

How people can be cynical about Iraq and think everything matters except that life is better for Iraq's is just beyond me.

What about the Iraqi's?

I really try not to discuss politics or Iraq with people I know I don't see eye to eye with on these subjects. I really don't like to debate because I'm not good at it. (That's why I write, it gives me time to think things thru.) But I've found myself in a few such conversations, particularly online, lately and they frustrate the hell out of me. I ask the people with strong opinions about us getting the hell out of Iraq since we shouldn't be there in the first place if they're reading what actual Iraqi's have to say about the situation or if they are at all aware of the actual improvements (the removal of a deadly tyranicaly dictator not included) happening in Iraq, and almost to a person the answer is no, BUT...

There is no BUT after that. I had someone tell me to "forget iraqi blogs, what about the angry masses?" That was pretty much the end of that conversation for me.

So, I've been thinking that the people passionately opposed to what we're doing in Iraq are also generally pretty uninformed about the improvement in the every day life of Iraqi's. Their arguments are never about reality in Iraq and usually more about unrelanted tangents. And I have to admit I find it inexcuseable in this day of blogging to hold such strong opinions based on info filtered thru biased media. When in less time than it takes to watch a half hour news program you can read two or three Iraqi bloggers there is just no reason to not get the information first hand.

It's very frustrating.

Especially when I find statements like this on Iraq the Model:

I don't like to repeat myself, but I wanted to share with you some of the opinions of Iraqis about their daily lives that I read on the bbc. arabic.com There were more than many comments and about 70% of them were positive. Here are some examples:

The daily life in Basra is not that different from other parts of Iraq; It's very hot, the water and power supply are not Continueous, still I prefer to live a year in these conditions than one hour like those we lived under Saddam.
Abbas Mahir Tahir-Basra.

No, I'm not niave enough to believe that every Iraqi in the country is thrilled with the events of the past year. But at least now they won't be killed or tortured if they say that in public.

It's like the lives of Iraqi's take a back seat to their ideology.

Nerdstar Update

Fortunately we were in an IM when I got this email...

I went on a convoy with my commander and 1st. sgt., to check out a bunch of schools made of mud! They wanted to make sure that the locations of the schools were correct so when they make the proposal to give out $ and supplies, they'll know where exactly these schools are. I took some pictures, and these villages are the most primitive looking places that I've ever seen!

We might have to move to Baghdad in a few weeks, it seems like General Sanchez has a hair up his ass... he wants to reposition the troops. There is no official order yet, but everyone is saying that it's coming, and it'll hit us like a bat out of hell. There will be no trailers, so we'll be going back to the tent, and we'll be back to eating army foods, cooked by army cooks, there is currently no brown and root support where we might be going... (a bit south of Baghdad)

If that's true, then it's going to suck so bad. Our commander has already told us to start packing up... I will let you know if/when it becomes official.

I need to do laundry too, my clothes are so dusty, and I was dirty too from the convoy, the shower water turned brown when I was taking one!

Then this is part of our IM:

bethlyn327: ugh... just read your email
bethlyn327: that really sucks
cinchsack: yeah, now, after your convoy, I've got more really dirty clothes
cinchsack: yeah, isn't it?
bethlyn327: hopefully it's just a nasty rumor
bethlyn327: would they move the whole stryker brigade?
cinchsack: for a nasty rumor, it seems like everyone has already accepted that as facty
cinchsack: they said that the "warning order" was supposed to come down tonight
cinchsack: or earlier this afternnoon
cinchsack: yes, it'll suck big time
bethlyn327: just seems unnecessarily dangerous to go moving so many troops around
cinchsack: yeah, some feather up someone's ass
bethlyn327: how far south of baghdad?
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: one of those dangerous places
cinchsack: but at a place with no "facilities".
cinchsack: so it'll be back to the basics
bethlyn327: no email or anything huh?
bethlyn327: i'll go crazy
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: you'll have to start writing snail mail all the time!
cinchsack: yeah
cinchsack: I'll be like human jerky in all that heat and no ac!
bethlyn327: oh man, that will suck!
bethlyn327: i mean, in some ways i know it seems more fair, but...
cinchsack: but?
bethlyn327: but i don't care about fair! i care about you being safe and comfy!
cinchsack: I don't know how we can get out of it
cinchsack: I don't want to go to a place that's more dangerous and a lot less comfy
bethlyn327: i know

I know there are some people who would object to me putting out such a rumor about troop movement, honestly, I don't care. My goal with these post about Nerdstar and I during this deployment are simply to show how this affects two people and their families.

UPDATE: I've seen the news stories about Sanchez being replaced. I haven't caught Nerdstar online since to ask her if that will make any difference.

Me Too

David says "I want that."

The other night, Zahava and I were invited next door to their house for a 'meal of thanksgiving'. As usual, their house was full of doting children and grandchildren, but the crowd was augmented by a group of neighborhood friends. It seems two weeks earlier, the wife had been in a serious car accident, and although the car had flipped several times and had been completely destroyed, she had miraculously escaped without so much as a scratch.

As I watched this couple almost twice my age exchanging comfortable pleasantries in the kitchen, basking in the unabashed affection of their friends and family, I realized that here was something special… something that you don’t get just because you save or budget for it.

Yeah for me

I just finished hosting my first successful Women's Poker Night! I decided I was tired of giving my money to boys so I sent out an email to a local lesbian email list. So, yes, I invited several absolute strangers to my house to play some cards.

There were only five of us, but it was really fun. Hopefully it'll become "the" place to be on Monday nights :-)

For the record, we're playing Texas Hold Em no limit with nickle and dime blinds. The buy-ins are $5 or $10. I bought in for $10 and lost less than $2 in four hours of play. Much better than I do with the boys!

Poor Ramen really, really thought he should have been allowed to stay inside and be petted all evening. And I don't know how cats do it, but in less than five minutes of everyone leaving, they knew it was safe to come back inside.

Burned Out?

Tony says you know you're burned out when:

heres when you will experience "blogger burnout":

if your blog feels more like a "have to" instead of a "get to" youre writing about the wrong things.

Maybe I am burned out. Too many days 7 and 8 apply around here. Or maybe I just having nothing in my head for a change. Which trust me, would be a big change. But there's also nothing going on externally either. The only conversation I've had since having lunch with a friend on Thurdsay is when Nerdstar called me today. The last few days have had me cutting the grass in our tiny backyard with the weedeater, cleaning the house, and washing my car. Not a hell of a lot of excitiment there.

Maybe that's when I should follow Tony's lead and make shit up!

I've got a couple of things scheduled this week that I'm actually excited about. But I try not to write about things until they happen.

I Love This Guy

It’s easy for anyone to hate, criticize and complain of the bad situations but it’s difficult to love and work to overcome the hardships. I’ve been accused many times of being over optimistic and unrealistic while my country is passing through a critical period and the future of the region and the world is going to be affected by the result of this war.

By Mohammed.

Small Corner Store

Nerdstar used to live in Queens for a year or two when she first went to college. She loves NYC and wouldn't mind living there. One of the things she likes best about it (of course) is the variety of food and all the little neighborhood stores.

In the past two or three years Austin has had many lofts built downtown. But while driving around in all the construction going on, I wondered where in the world anyone living in those downtown lofts would buy gas, much less groceries. (No, they might not need gas, but they certainly need groceries.) There aren't even that many restuarants open 24/7. I wondered why there aren't those cool little food stands and little grocers. Maybe it's part of Austin being torn between two identities - the affluent who can afford those million dollar lofts, and would probably either have groceries delivered or pay someone to shop for them - and the hippy types who would love to live downtown, bike to work, and shop at quaint little stores.

So it's fun to read David writing about makolets:

“Lee Chong’s Grocery, while not a model of neatness, was a miracle of supply. It was small and crowded but within its single room a man could find everything he needed or wanted to live and be happy.”

For those of you not familiar with this cherished Israeli institution, a makolet is a neighborhood store where one can buy ‘staples’ such as fresh bread (unwrapped, and often still warm from the bakery), milk, cheese, cereal, coffee, sugar, vegetables, light bulbs, batteries, beer, candy, and roughly 10,000 other absolutely essential items.

Cool Music

Bob Schneider is one of Austin's best musicians. He also has a great website. Go here, go to "playlist" and then click on the link for his Lonelyland album. You'll not only get to hear my current favorite cd, but also his commentary on the songs. I don't have his newest one yet, but soon.

I really love "The World Exploded" although I don't see it happening anytime soon. And "2002" he wrote in 1997 about things that could happen by then. It's a funny song once you know it's not true!

Really, go listen, it's worth the time!

Nerdstar update

I think other than going to bed, going to Whole Foods makes me miss Nerdstar more than anything. I just want to pack up the whole store and send it to her. Her love of food is rivaled only by her love for me, although there can be a serious debate about which comes first!

She's doing pretty well over there. She's been a lot happier since she finally got a job to do. She said their truck broke down yesterday, but fortunately not while they were on a convoy. She's been having roommate troubles, but her roommate is somewhere else this week and then coming back to the states next month. At least living with this girl makes living with me look much easier! It's in the 90s over there and she says it's already really hot. Several times when I've seen her on the webcam she's got her camelpack water stray thing in her mouth all the time.

Bleh

Second verse same as the first. Nothin. Certainly nothing worth writing about.

Inspiring

Wow. Iraq the Model on the assassination in Iraq today.

We have a critical security situation, that’s right and we need to deal with the defects quickly. But no matter what precautions we take, we cannot be a 100% sure that we can protect every single person, including our leaders and the higher officials who make favorite targets for the terrorists but we still can make their attempts go in vain by making our leadership *replaceable*. This idea may seem odd or even a little bit cruel but I can give some further explanations; the terrorists think in the same way their dictator-masters do. They believe that every nation has “and should have” one strong man to lead her and if it happened one day that the nation “lost” this strong man (the Khalifa, in OBL's followers' minds), she will certainly be doomed. The main point that they fail to capture, is that this idea applies only to totalitarian regimes and does not apply to democracies. This doesn't mean, at all, that we don't respect our leaders or that we do not appreciate their services. We can take a good example from the history of the USA; when president JFK was assassinated (America was one of the two super powers in the world at that time), the Americans were deeply saddened by the loss of such a great leader but they did not stop at that point. They moved on and kept their determination to overcome the loss and that’s why America became the only super power in the world in less than 30 years from that tragic incident. That's why we'll keep moving forwards because we're building a model for democracy here, we've sacrificed a lot in the last decades and we're ready to give more if needed but we're not giving up.

Are we sad? Yes of course, but we’re absolutely not discouraged because we know our enemies and we know their ways and we decided to go in this battle to the end. They think they can force us to give up but they’re totally mistaken. I’ve tasted freedom, my friends and I’d rather die fighting.

He totally gets things we as Americans take absolutley for granted.

Raining on the parade

Maybe it's my glass half empty mood, but I just can't get that excited about gay marriage in Mass. Nerdstar and I live way down here in the LoneStar state and kinda like it that way. I don't want to have to acquire a funny accent and deal with more snow in a few months than I've seen in my whole life just to make a legal woman of her. Even if Mass. is just the first dominoe to fall, it'll be a long, long time before Texas follows suit.

When our only dreams are for a couple of kids and a decent house it shouldn't require moving half way across the country just to make it all legal and legit.

Guess we'll see what developes in the next year while I'm waiting for her to come home and we figure out "what next".

Read It

Andrew Sullivan - Integration Day.

Nothin

I got a whole lot of nothin. Nothin going on. Nothin to say.

Late Nights

I'm starting to go stir crazy again. It faded there for a while, but, it's back. My sleep times are all out of whack. I'm up until early morning and sleeping until noon. It feels weird to be out of sync with the city around me, even though Austin is pretty close to being a 24/7 city.

I'm also starting to really want to make some money. Stupid as it sounds, I'm still trying to learn how to play poker to try to win some money. I've played maybe six nights and have lost under $200, but it feels like a very expensive learning curve. But, I am getting better. We'll see. I'd feel much better if I were playing with money I was earning and not Nerdstar's.

I'm signed up with two temp agencies, have called one of them every day this week, and nothing. And I just really don't want to go the retail route, but another month of nothing and I just might.

The other thing I just can't express how much I long for is a nice, long, face to face chat with a good friend.

I just don't want this year to be a total waste.

SShhhh

Do not tell Nerdstar, because with her being gone I can't even blame her.

I'm watching Jackass The Movie.

But it's just been that kind of week.

Sure

Sure it's all about the oil. At least is appears to be for retired Iraqis.

The first week of this month brought good news to the Iraqi retired governmental employees. They started to receive salaries instead of the emergency payments they used to get during the last 12 months.
Each one of them used to receive 80 $ every three months (compared with an average of 20 $ on Saddam's days) but now they're getting paid about 200 $ every three months. And this is just the beginning, as the minister of oil stated. He promised that there will be more financial assignments for the retired's salaries in the next few months as a result of the increase in both, the oil export rates and the oil prices in the market.

I'm sure this will be all over the news.

Hits Galore

Wow. I don't know why the searches for info on Mr. Berg are leading here, but Welcome! I've never come close to this many hits in a day.

Andrew says this is the case all over the blogosphere. Interesting - if we only knew what it meant! One good thing, at least people are getting their info from people I find a hell of a lot more reliable than the mainstream media!

Andrew's thoughts, and an email sent to him.

Update:

Duh. I get it. Searches for Nick Berg dominate every search engine out there because the mainstream media are not only dropping the story, they've refused to show the video. So, anyone who wants to see the video - for reasons good and bad I'm sure - have to search for it on the internet. What surprises me is the vast amount of people who actually want to see this video.

Me, no way I'm watching that video. I won't even listen to the audio of the whole thing. In the past two years I've become more and more sensitive to even watching people die in movies. I couldn't handle watching a real one. Especially not when my Nerdstar is in Iraq.

Small World

The other day I wrote about how I often think about "the whole world". For some reason my interest in foreign places is picking up. Maybe it's because part of me realizes just how interconnected it/we all is/are. I know that's in no way a new idea or anything, but 9/11 and the Iraq War and such are bringing it home to me like I'm sure WWII did for that generation.

Then again maybe it's because I'm spending way too much time on my sofa with nothing to do.

I also wrote the other day about reading Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux. Reading about Mr. Theroux's travels thru Africa made me think of one of my college friends often. She and I recently got in touch with again only to find that my being gay and her religious views were too big an osbticle to us renewing a close friendship. When we last had lunch together a few months ago, she mentioned she might be going back to Africa for a year or two to do missionary work. Sure enough, I got a letter from her yesterday telling her plans to do just that.

I'd say that at least half of my close friends at Baylor did missionary work in foreign countries. But that's another post for another time.

I'm reading another book by Mr. Theroux, a collection of essays about travel. I like his style of travel. It's not touristy. It's definitely as much about the journey as the destination.

Today I ran across this essay by an American professor who spent time in Central Asia and writes about anti-American sentiment. Go read it!

Bet You Wouldn't Guess

I've realized with full force something that my readers just might find suprising. I completely lack self confidence! That's why I'm an idea person and not an action person, I'm too afraid the ideas aren't any good, or won't work, or people will think they're stupid, so I just leave them in my head and move on. I'm a perfectionist who's afraid to fail, so I just stick to thinking because that's safe. That's why I've never thought it was all that advantageous to be "smart."

But, I've got one idea I'm going to give a shot, which really only involves making some phone calls to start with. I can make phone calls. I can sound grown up and competent.

Reports From Soldiers

Blackfive has a post from a Marine in Fallujah.

Amy Ridenour has a longer and more detailed email posted from a soldier fighting, and winning, against Sadr.

Balance

Trying to keep perspective, to balance out the kill them all feelings, because I know it really isn't the majority of Iraqis or even Muslims who are represented by the fuckheads to killed Mr. Berg.

So here's another great post by Iraq the Model on how the economy and lives are improving in Iraq.

Back to the average income issue. Some readers may remember that I said my salary was about 17 US$ before the war. Shortly after the war it was raised to 120 US$. Three months after that, they made it 150 US$. Two months later it became 200$ (although the truth should be said that they promised that it was going to be 250$) and when I went with one of my colloquies (who gets an exact payment) to receive his salary this month (I still haven’t get paid for 6 months due to some beaurocractic problems that has just been solved), the accounter said to my friend "congratulations! You are getting a new rise starting from the next month and your salary will be around 300 US$!"
Now I know this is still a very low figure compared to what doctors get in other countries, but look at the pace of the raises; 120, 150, 200, 300 all in one year! I mean it’s spooky. What will it be the next year, 500$? And what about 3 or 4 years from now? A thousand or can I dare and say few thousand dollars? Will we get more than what the Syrian, Egyptian Iranian and even Saudi doctors!? What a disaster will it be to the mullahs of Iran, Bashar Al-Assad and the king of Saudi Arabia?

Everyone who knows enough about Iraq should know that millions of Iraqis were employed by the government, but most of them had second jobs (I used to run a small shop with my brothers beside my job as a doctor, and of course I gave it up soon after the war) except for those who took illegal advantages from their original jobs. The rest were involved in private businesses that paid more but were very risky with all the shakes in economy and all the restrictions from the old regime. After the war some of those who were employed by the government were expelled, but most of them are back now. For God’s sake even most of the Ba’athists and the security agents are back to their jobs now! The only people who are out of job now are Saddam’s special security agents and higher ranked Ba’athists who sucked the Iraqi people’s blood for decades. May I ask how many are those, and should we really sympathies with them this much? Besides, most of them made fortunes and fled out of the country or are using it to start their own businesses and no one is preventing them from that.

He also writes about this conversation with a young cousin of his:

My uncle had some unusual sense of humor that didn’t fit quite well in his somewhat religious family. He winked at me and turned to his son and asked him "What do you think of the Americans?" His son answered, "They are occupiers". "So you think we should fight them?" his father asked. Ibrahim said "No, but I don’t like them". My uncle said, pretending to change the subject "Do you like your new computer that no one shares with you?" "Yes of course dad". "Ok, are you satisfied with the satellite dish receiver we have or do you need a better one?" "This one is fine but I heard there’s a better one that gets more channels" "ok I’ll get you that next week". Then he said, "Is there anything else you’d like to have son?" "No dad I have all that I need". "Ok but how about a car?" Ibrahim was astounded and said "Really? a..a CAR.. for me!?". "Of course for you! I’m too old to drive now and my eyes are not that well and you are the older son. So whom else would it be for!?" "Oh, dad that will be great! When will that happen?" "Just finish you’re exams and you’ll have it". "I will dad". "Are you happy now son?" "Yes dad, sure I am!" "Then why do you hate the Americans you son of a b***h!? I couldn’t get you a bicycle a year ago, I could hardly feed you and your brothers and sisters. You didn’t know what an apple or a banana tasted like, I couldn’t buy you a damned Pepsi bottle except in occasions, and now you can have all that you wish, and a car of your own! Who do you think made that possible!?" My cousin’s face turned red and didn’t answer as we laughed and I said "What do you think Ibrahim?" He said, "Well it’s true but it’s our money. They are not giving us a charity" and I said "Of course it’s our money, so let’s forget the Billions of dollars they are giving to rebuild Iraq and the efforts they are doing to cut down our debts and lets talk about our money. Why didn’t your father, I, my brothers and all the Iraqis have anything worth mentioning before the Americans came?" He said, "Because Saddam used it to buy weapons and build palaces". "There you have it Ibrahim, but Americans are not touching our money. Can you tell me who’s better; the ‘occupiers’ who are helping us or the ‘patriot’ who did all that you know to us?" He said in a faint voice "They are better than Saddam but still they are not Muslims". "So do you want them to be Muslims?" "I wish they were." "Will you fight them to that?" he said, "No, of course not. I don’t like fighting." We didn’t want to pressure and embarrass him further and didn’t go further, as he’s still young but he’s smart and good-natured and will get it soon.

Still

I'm still sick and outraged and sad and frustrated. I don't have the energy to write about this, but thankfully Michele does. Lots of links and lots of perspective on who the enemy is, how the media fucks this story up.

Why is this being downplayed by the media? Why, once again, are people seeking blame everywhere but where to find it? Blame the people who drew the knife. Blame the people in the video. Blame their followers, blame those who bastardized the religion they follow, blame the hatred that spewed from the mouth of bin Laden, Saddam, al Sadr, Arafat and his thugs and all those who wish harm on this country.

We did not turn these people into terrorists. They have been terrorists for ages upon ages. They kill Jews. They kill Americans. They kill with glee and with righteousness and they shout their chants of god is great as they slice heads and put bullet holes in little children.

And:

So we are pretty much stuck where we are. We can't kill them all; that's a profoundly horrible option. We can't change them. And if anyone suggests that we change ourselves, then I will suggest that the person who says that is an apologist in a place where apologies are not necessary. Don't forget, the apologists will die just as quickly at the hands of the so-called martyrs as do those of us who think we have every right to be proud of our freedoms and everything that comes with those freedoms. As of yet, the terrorists have not come up with their own version of a smart bomb, which will kill only the filthy American pig-dog capitalists and Jews and leave the sympathizers standing.

Maybe their well will dry up some day. Maybe there will be less and less followers of Islam who view their religion as an excuse to murder and more of the kind who want peace and prosperity. Maybe they will kill themselves off in all their attempts to kill us. Maybe moderate Muslims will stand up and be heard and drive the terrorists out of their holes and into a hail of machine gun fire

Go read the whole thing and follow the links, join in the discussion.

Like I keep saying, this is the stuff that matters. We are in a war we did not start with a small but very deadly group of people who would rejoice if every person in this country were dead tomorrow.

Better Minds Than Mine

I've always wished I had a brain that could really grasp international politics and economics and such. I can't even begin to imagine all the various factors that go into all of it. I wasn't feeling overly optimistic Monday, then the news yesterday really got me down.

I just don't see how we can win against people like the fuckheads to killed Mr. Berg. Their hate is so deep and unwavering, their purpose so clear to them and increasingly easy to achieve.

Lileks writes about this:

The West doesn’t have the power to change Islam; it only has the power to destroy it. We have a lot of nukes. We could kill everyone. We could just take out a few troublesome nations, kill millions, and irradiate Mecca so that the Fifth Pillar is invalidated. The hajj would be impossible. Every pilgrim a martyr. I don’t think we’ll do either; God help us if we do, but inasmuch as we have the capability, it’s an option. But it would be a crime greater than the crime that provoked such an act, and in the end that would stay our hand. They know we won’t do it.

Thankfully, it’s not the only one. There are a dozen other scenarios, half of which we can’t imagine: the unknowns we don’t know, as a wise man said. But half the battle will occur in places we cannot reach or observe. A minimal-casualty defeat of the Islamists will require the help of Islam. I'd like to think that will happen on its own, without some exterior catastrophe to force the issue. For that matter I'd like to think I'll win the Powerball. Every time the jackpot goes over 200 million, I buy a ticket. Every time I lose. I'm always disappointed, of course. But never surprised.

So does InDC Journal:

These bastards have refocused us - this is what we are fighting. This is why we need to stay and win in Iraq, even through periods of intense doubt. The Commissar asks legitimate questions about timetables, effective force structure, measurable progress; the Washington Post quotes generals voicing concern about strategic failure; fine, these questions of course need answers. But if it takes two years or ten years, tactical withdrawals followed by messy re-engagements, $100 billion or $100 trillion, this problem, this cancer of Muslim extremism is not going to go away. It flourishes in medieval, closed societies, and our only strategic hope to weaken it is to invest in the success and democratization of the rest of the world. If we fail, we fail trying, we fail making mistakes and correcting them, because defensive isolationism and/or tactical application of military force are one-way tickets to destruction. Highly imperfect as it is, our present, starry-eyed course as charted by the current administration is the only available path that even attempts to adequately answer this challenge.

We're in it to win it. Suck it up, people.

Suburban Sundries Shack says Enough!!

I know several of my readers "aren't the political type" - but this is why we all have to be.

One Small Hope

One thought I keep coming back to this afternoon gives me a little hope. It was Iraqi's who led American soldier's to where Pfc Lynch and others were being held so that they could be rescued. I believe that most Iraqi's will be as outraged as we are about the beheading of Mr. Berg. And my hope is that when there are other hostages, or even ones currently being held, Iraqi's who have information will tell it to American soldiers and lead to their rescue.

Days like today it's so hard to keep any reasonable perspective, but I have to try.

An Iraqi Soldier

I'm so glad I've added Iraq the Model to my favorites. (Eventually I'll get around to putting it on my blogroll.) His newest entry is a conversation he had with an old friend of his who was a soldier in SH army and has recently joined the new Iraqi army.

The most important thing is that this army has no retards or illiterate in it like the old one. Now education is an essential requirement when applying to serve in the new army and anyone who hasn’t finished high school at least has no place there. In fact most of the volunteers are college and technical institutes graduates.
Everything is new, no more worn out dirty uniforms that only God knows how many people used before you, and they never minded about the size. This time they took our sizes and handed each one of us a new elegant uniform that’s worthy of an officer! It was a common scene, you know, that soldiers wander near their halls in their underwear after training hours. Some of them did that because they didn’t have much to wear when they wash their uniforms, but the majority did it out of custom. Now this is unacceptable, and everyone received a nice comfortable suit to wear after the training hours.
One of the officers said to us “you know what? One of the reasons you lose your wars is the boots you were wearing” He then handed each one of us a pair of those brand new boots that we could only dream of buying them in the old times, and said “Put these on and you’ll feel like you can fly” and it did feel almost like that!
I knew exactly what my relative meant, as I had to wear those boots at Sadam’s times when they forced us to do a month of military training during our summer vacation in college, and they warned us that anyone who refused to do so would be expelled from his college. Wearing those inflexible rigid boots in that heat was more like a torture. They were my worst memory of that camp and caused me multiple painful sores that needed weeks to heal.
My relative’s face was glowing as he continued, "you can’t imagine how much valued we are and how much our religion and traditions are respected. When we pass by a mosque, the officer in charge shouts “no talk” until we pass the mosque by a considerable distance, and when one of the officers enters our hall, if he sees that one of us is praying he remains silent and order us to keep quite until our comrade finishes his prayer.

For the first time in my life, I feel I’m somebody. I’m not a trash as Saddam and his gang tried to make me believe” as he finished his last words his voice went faint as if he was chocking.

Go read the whole thing!!

Sick

I'm tempted to open this post with a string of cuss words. But what's the point?

It's a cloudy, rainy day here in Austin. I had strange dreams last night. I'm used to dreams of being in a situation where people are trying to kill me. Last night was the first time I've dreamed about ufos being real. Weird.

My only goal was to deposit some money in the bank, grab some lunch, and go to the library. The bank had a power failure and the server still wasn't back up, so that was a bust. Lunch was good. And I picked up a couple more books by Paul Theroux at the library.

Then, stupid me came home and instead of diving right into the book I started during lunch I turned on the news just in time to hear about this:

A video posted Tuesday on an Islamic militant Web site showed the beheading of an American civilian in Iraq, and said the execution was carried out by an al-Qaida affiliated group to avenge the abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American soldiers.

After reading a statement, the men were seen pulling the man to his side and putting a large knife to his neck. A scream sounded as the men cut his head off, shouting "Allahu Akbar!" — "God is great." They then held the head out before the camera.

I'm literally sick over this. Mr. Berg wasn't even in the military. He was a contractor trying to help improve communication systems over there. My heart is broken for his family.

The terrorist fuckheads didn't even show their faces and take responsibility for this horrible act.

I don't know what to say.

Hardest Thing

I made it back to Austin safe and sound. I miss the kiddo. He's such a great kid and it's so fun to hang around him. He's got three main phrases, play with me, whatcha doin? and what you talkin about? It's so cute. He's all about trains and fire trucks.

I don't talk or write much about it, but the hardest thing for me is not having a kid yet. This time of Nerdstar being gone and the year and a half delay in us trying to have a baby is so hard. I have to try hard to not let it really get to me. IF we're lucky I'll be 37 when our first kid is born.

But, there's nothing I can do to change any of it. Hopefully when all of this is said and done, and we do have that first cute little baby, it'll make all of this crap just fade away.

Someone who was there

An Iraqi blogger talks with his friend who was a doctor at the Abu Gharib prison both under SH and then under the Amerian military. Hmmm, guess who he preferes working for?

As you said these things are unaccepted but I’m sure that they are isolated and they are just very few exceptions that need to be dealt with, but definitely not the rule. The rule is kindness, care and respect that most of these thugs don’t deserve, and that I have seen by my own eyes. However I still don't understand why did this happen.

-By Ali.

Read the whole thing for a better perspective on how American soldiers generally treat Iraqis and prisioners. You certainly won't hear or read this in the mainstream media.