Beth's Contradictory Brain

Random Wondering

I love sitting by the window when flying. I love looking down and seeing all the empty land in this country, wondering who owns it and why and what they're doing with it.

Then I got to thinking how fun it would be to own a field near an airport so I could create sayings in them that people on the airplanes could read. Of course, this lead to wondering if phrases like "crash and burn" or "die, die, die" or even just random curse words would bring the authorities to my front door. Who would even have jurisdiction over such a thing??

And no, it's not scary at all having an evil brain!

Overwhelmed

It's looking really likely we'll be moving to Kansas in the next couple of months. The job is going well for Nerdstar and in a few years should lead to even better opportunities as a linguist/analyst. I was joking the other day that I might even see her on C-Span in the future!

But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. We've decided to try to get pre-approved for a mortgage and see if we can find a house we like up there. Yikes. Add to that the logistics of moving to another state. Then throw in that I'll have to find a job up there.

One of the things making it a little complicated is that Leavenworth is a pretty small town and Kansas City is about forty minutes one way and Lawrence is about an hour the other. So there's a huge area to choose from when it comes to houses and jobs. And there's no way really to know enough about the area to make it easy.

We tell each other all the time to just take it one step at a time.

The good thing is she's coming home next week for a few weeks, and then has orders for another 30 days, which takes us to the end of March. Our lease here is up in April, so that works out pretty well. When she's home next week we'll talk to her credit union about a mortgage. IF that gets approved, she'll have a month up there to look at houses. So it's a decent situation to be in.

I've started looking around at everything and seeing it in terms of packing. We're pretty sure the military will pay for the move, we're just not clear on the specifics. We both have our normal cars, the motorcycle should fit in the truck with the furniture, but the problem may be trying to get my Camaro moved.

For now I'm still in hurry up and wait mode. Not my favorite. It gives my brain too much time to invision disaster.

What I'd like from my dear readers is any advice you have on getting a mortgage and buying a house.

Not for everyone

Porn is such a fun topic, and can be taken the wrong way so easily. Nerdstar and I love to joke about porn. She brings it up all the time. But her favorite part of porn is actually the really bad, cheesy music. We don't watch it often, and back when we did watch it we usually watched gay boys. Mostly because I can't stand fake boobs. As for lesbian porn - we haven't found any real lesbian porn. Oh sure, there are straight girls faking it, but that's not worth watching.

So, when I saw Cyn link 10 Reasons I Hate Fake Lesbian Porno, I knew I'd have to link it myself.

Fun!

Ok, so I've been playing in the amature poker league on Monday and Wednesday nights since about mid-Noveber. I generally do ok. There are two sessions of about 80 players each.

Tonight, I kicked ass. I got first place in the early session and second place in the later session.

I just had to brag.

Home again

Made it back from KS in eleven hours, not too bad. I've discovered that driving for long hours like that leaves me literally shaky. Oh well. It was worth it to spend some time with my snuggle bunny.

I was glad to read that someone else feels the sting of x friendships. There are at least a dozen x friends from throughout my life that I think of on a very regular basis.

Wouldn't it be cool if there was some little something letting us know old friends/x friends were thinking of us, too?

Customized Commentators

We watched part of the football games yesterday inbetween naps. The commentators usually either annoy me or bore me to tears. I know sometimes during games they'll mic the coach. So, I thought it would be cool if instead of having comentators they just miced the coaches and players and let us all listen in and really get the feel of the game. Yes, I know, they all say bad words - then make it an alternative audio line and you can subscribe to it or something.

Then, as the game went on I thought of a few more alternate audio tracks. You could have one for the women who might not be that much into football, but don't mind spending the time watching it with their men. The commentary could be something like Joan and Melissa do for all the red carpet crap. Then you could have a comedy commentary. Or a gay commentary. It's pretty endless really. And with all the stations satellite radio has - they could certainly easily do something like this!

Wild Hair

I got a wild hair up my butt Thursday and decided to drive back up to KS to see my girl. It was a long week and we were still working thru some stuff, so snuggles were necessary. I figured I could sit on the sofa and watch tv and maybe play some more poker over the weekend, or I could hang out with Nerdstar. I got up about 5 a.m. friday and hit the road and got here about 4:40. just as she was getting off work. I also brought her Ramen dog for her to pet!

We had dinner with Beth and John again last night and Ramen got to play with their three dogs.

It's freezing outside, although not snowing like in so much of the northeast. Just a nice quiet weekend.

Very exciting stuff

Sorry for the light blogging. There's just not much going on. I miss Nerdstar and it already seems like weeks since I've seen her. I'm still spending my evenings playing lots of poker. I'm not watching tv or the news as much because of that, and that's a good thing.

When I am watching tv, I've tuned into the confirmation hearings for Dr. Rice. I find all the grandstanding annoying as hell, but it's still interesting to watch how it all works. I'm not overly excited about the innaguration today, but I'm always impressed by the history of peaceful transfers of power in this country. Reading history or even the world travel books I've read in the past year keep me aware that it's not something to take lightly.

That's about here. I'm trying to throw some house cleaning into the mix.

Congrats!!

Nerdstar has been promoted to Sergeant. I'm very proud of my girl!

Long Weekend

The weekend ended up being longer than planned, and that was a good thing.

Friday I flew up to Kansas City to go see my girl! I got there about 3, and she was still at work so Beth was kind enough to pick me up at the airport and show me around until Nerdstar was off work. Then Nerdstar and John caught up with us and we all went to dinner. It was nice to meet and hang out with Beth and John. Saturday they were our tour guides to the Kansas City area.

What Nerdstar and I realized is how spoiled we are living in Austin. And that it's made us snobs about where we live. But, I think if Nerdstar really ends up liking this job, we could adjust nicely to life in the middle of the country.

I was supposed to fly out Sunday afternoon, but Nerdstar had Monday off and I had no real plans for Monday and it was only $88 to change the flight, so we did.

We couldn't resist the lure of a nearby casino, so we headed over there Sunday evening. I wanted to try playing poker for cash for a change. There was a table that had a buy-in of $100 and $1 and $2 blinds. Sounded good. But, we only took out $100 each to gamble with and there was going to be over an hour wait until I would get a seat at the table. Fortunately, I had a $20 in my wallet to play with at a craps table. We got lucky there. I won over $100 at the craps table so when I got the seat at the poker table I played with that $100. Two hours later I had $200 so I cashed it out. We grabbed some dinner, although Nerdstar was heartbroken the buffet was closed. Then we played a little more of various table games.

In the end we came out ahead. We took $200 out of the checking and today I'm putting $300 back in and the rest of the winnings covered dinner, the car park, getting Ramen at the kennel, and spending money for Nerdstar for the week. Not too bad.

But, that meant I got to sleep about 3 a.m. and had a noon flight.

I got into Austin at 4:10, picked up Ramen, drove by the amature poker place and signed up, dropped Ramen off at home, grabbed some dinner, and went to play poker.

I'm glad to be home, but I miss my Nerdstar a lot. It was good to see where she works and lives these days.

State of Fear

I'm just about finished reading Michael Crichton's State of Fear. No, it's not the next great American novel. It doesn't even have well developed characters. But, that doesn't matter.

It's interesting to me that he took the approach he did. Instead of trying to get his message out thru journals or academic articles or whatever means is available, he choose to put it in novel form. Good for him. The novel is just a form he's using to try his best to de-bunk the common mythology of the current environmental movement. It's also risky. It leaves people who disagree with his views open to dismissing them more easily because it is in novel form and not acamdemic form. But I have to assume that's intentional. He choose his audience well.

I certainly don't want to get into a debate about environmental issues. But if you believe global warming and other theories, check the book out.

The state of fear he refers to is how in spite of living in what is arguably the safest nation on earth, we're all in fear of so many things. Another interesting theme. I've written before that I wonder if people tuned out most media if they would be happier, less fearful. And then you have all the accusations that Bush's administration is using fear to get it's agenda done. I'm not up to speed on that argument, but I'm not dismissing it out of hand.

Again, it's not fantastic writing, but it's certainly a thought provoking book.

Brrrrr

One thing to consider as we consider this move is the weather. We had a really mild summer last summer and it made me not hate the heat here so much. For half of the year you never know what it will be like. Rain and windy. Warm and humid. Cold and sunny. Those are the options from October to March.

Tuesday I got to take the motorcycle out for a ride without even having to wear a jacket. Nice! This weekend when I go see Nerdstar it won't be over 25. Ugh. At least I'll have my snuggle bunny to keep me warm!

Poker Fiend

I have finally found a hobby. Playing poker. Fortunately, so for I'm playing in free tournaments so it's not costing me any money!

Back in November I ran across the Amature Poker League and they host a game two blocks from our house! They play two sessions on Monday and Wednesday nights, at 6 and 9, and I've been playing them both. So in six sessions so far this year I've gotten 15th, 3rd, 14th, and 4th out of 80 people starting each session.

Monday night I found out about another amature league that plays almost every night of the week at various locations around town. Since I'm not working and Nerdstar is out of town, I might as well get in all the poker I can. So tonight I went to a downtown game. There were about 90 people at both sessions or 10 tables, I made it down to four tables, but that was it. At the second session I got 9th. For some reason I generally place better at the later session.

I'm mostly just trying to play as much free poker as I can and then next time we make it to a casino I'll play some cash games.

I love playing poker. It's competitive gambling - meaning against other people and not the house. It's often about luck, but just enough about skill to be good for my ego. A lot of the people at the Mon./Wed. games are nice.

Now, if I can just get Nerdstar to play, too!!

Listening In

One of my favorite pasttimes and probably worst habits is eavesdropping. I mostly do it when we're out to dinner. But while standing in line is usually a good time, too.

Quick question before I get to the rest of this post. If you overhear someone you don't know ask a question, the person replies that they don't know and you do know the answer. Do you butt in and answer the question? I don't do it as often as I used to, but I do sometimes. Yesterday I went to grab an early dinner and so the place was pretty empty. As I was paying the bill one of the waiters asked the other if he knew where La Zona Rosa was here in town. The guy didn't. So I spoke up and said it was downtown. The waiter came over, I gave him directions, we talked about it being a cool venue for music, and that was that. I'd feel bad if I had info he needed and failed to speak up.

Ok. That said. Apparently there's a growing industry of people monitoring call center phone calls. That's not news. What's news to me is that they even monitor you when you're on hold. Huh?

Monitoring is intended to track the performance of call center operators, but the professional snoops are inadvertently monitoring callers, too. Most callers do not realize that they may be taped even while they are on hold.

But I must say it's a job I might actually enjoy.

The good part is:

Over all, about 2 percent of the hundreds of millions of calls made to call centers are monitored by a company's own managers or, increasingly, by third-party monitoring companies, which have come on the scene in the last couple of years.

Found via Ann Althouse who adds:

Now that I know, I won't be saying secret or embarrassing things to other people in the room, but I will use the hold time to communicate with the company or merely to bitch at the bad music or little commercials they annoy me with on hold. That said, I hope terrorists and other criminals don't read that article.

Too Much Coverage?

That's what Jeff is asking over at Buzz Machine about the tsunami.

I think it's the type of coverage the networks start having as the time passes. It stops being factual and starts to feel like they're manipulating my emotions. Then again, that can probably be said of far too many news stories.

Go read Jeff, he has a lot more to say.

Lucky

Is there anything harder in life than relationships? And yet, they're really the only thing in life that matters. Nerdstar and I are almost six years into this, and yet it never seems that long, except when it seems like it's been forever. There were a lot of nights when she was in Iraq I imagined life without her. Hopefully I'll never know the reality of it.

Thank you for writing this.

Too Fast?

Maybe it's the speed of blogging that makes conversations difficult. For example, I read the post on Just One Bite I linked below. I don't have the time or energy to really think it over and write a response then. But, the next day when I do have some thoughts organized, her blog already has five newer posts. It feels like things have moved on.

I know trackback and permalinks address the technology side of the issue. But it's hard to overcome the mental/emotional aspect of it.

The irony is, one of the reasons I enjoy blogging (when I'm not being crazy) is that it gives me time to think the issue thru instead of having to be in a real time conversation and think on my feet.

And then...

How can I fail to link to brilliant thinking like this?

The primary thing I've been thinking through has been, "What if early explorers had the politically correct, cultural relativist mindset that is embraced today?" What would the world be like now, assuming that everyone believed that all cultures are equally valid? What might the effect have been on key issues, like human rights, which liberals -- and others -- also hold dear? (I'm of the opinion that complete cultural relativism and the universality of human rights are mutually exclusive.) The planet already has such a huge divide between the haves and the have nots; what if there was no attempt made to share technology, language, or even medical and hygenic developments beyond those countries that were already trading partners in the late 1700s? How about the 1400s?

Just something to ponder when you're laying awake at night. Or, like me, consider it for a few minutes, then masturbate and fall back to sleep.

At this close to 2 a.m. I don't have any articulate thoughts on this. But it's damn interesting.

Putting it out there

If/when I get another tattoo, it’s going to be the final box in a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that reads “my brain is trying to kill me.”

Maybe Nerdstar being away from home again hit harder than I thought it would. The darkness that takes over my brain sometimes really set in this week. There was a very brief period of time I tried Welbutrin. I hated it. I’d rather my brain was dark sometimes than my emotions turned off.

I have a hard time not feeling like a complete loser. I’ve just spent the last year living off my girlfriend who was stationed in Iraq. I didn’t manage to get a job - the few times that I actually tried. I haven’t made a new friend in longer than I can remember. The few friends I do have live out of state. I would guess I’ve had phone conversations with them all combined less than ten times in the last year. I tried reaching out to friends I used to have and their complete lack of response really hurt at a time when life was already pretty damn hard.

It’s easy to look back and think, well, if I’d just done X. But, I didn’t do X. I feel into the waiting game.

Sometimes I get all optimistic about things. That brief optimism lead to the blog business idea. Eight weeks later it’s a pretty dead idea. I realized a few minutes ago that blogging is a lot like high school for me. I was the B average student who’s friends were all in the top ten in a class of over 500. I’ve never felt good enough, or like I really fit in. I read blogs like Gaping Void and BuzzMachine and I get what they’re saying, I love what they’re saying. But I don’t think it’s mine enough to make a living at it.

I love Nerdstar, and some days I actually know how much she loves me. But like any relationship, we have our problem days. And when my brain goes dark, those seem a million times worse.

I used to let the darkness settle in for much longer periods of time. I’m better at recognizing when it’s the darkness talking in my head versus reality. But spending a year alone means I’m also used to keeping it all in my head. Not burdening anyone else with it. To some extent that’s a good thing. But sometimes it just makes the loneliness feel that much worse.

What does that have to do with this blog? I’ve never wanted to be one of those bloggers who put all the darkness on the blog. I’ve always wanted this to be a place to put the other millions of thoughts and ideas that run thru my head out there and to talk about them. I’ve always wanted this to be a place for conversations, not monologues. Back to the high school feeling; it’s hard to see other blogs get 30 or 40 comments on pop culture and I’m not getting hardly any.

I’m still trying to hold onto my optimism for this year. We’ll know in about a week if we’re moving to KS or staying in Austin, or who knows, picking something else altogether. Eventually I’ll get a job, which will help my self esteem. Eventually we’ll have a baby.

But in the meantime, I’m feeling like a loser. So blogging might be light until there’s something better to write about.

Done

I'm done with this blog for the time being. I'll let Nerdstar do the blogging for a while - Atypical Asian Syndrome.

Feminism, Beauty and Butch

Ann Althouse writes today about the rituals of beauty culture. She's responding to "Laura Kipnis explains the "irreconcilable contradiction between feminism and femininity"
Go read it, it's pretty interesting.

I sent this short email in response:

"I didn't sleep well last night, so these thoughts aren't fully fleshed out.

One thing my girlfriend and I often remark on when we make one of our infrequent outtings to a gay club (no pun intended) is that the more into feminism and lesbianism a certain number of women go, the more masculine their dress and manners become, i.e. butch. I've never really understood that. Why does the more extreme rejection of the heterosexual roles and the patriarchy result in this?"

Any of my lesbian readers care to share their thoughts?

Orphans

On the way to the airport yesterday, Nerdstar and I stopped at her favorite little restaurant for lunch. Over lunch I was trying to piece together my thoughts on the few news stories I'd seen about all the children who are now orphans after the tsunami.

I just ran across this blurb on them.

Julia Rollings, from the Adoptive Families Association, says it is often inappropriate for children affected by war and natural disaster to be adopted overseas.

"We believe children are best left where they are in environments that are familiar to them, in a culture that's familiar to them, speaking a language that they know, and in the schools that they're already going to," she said.

Then you have this blurb from the United Nations: The United Nations said on Tuesday it was concerned children orphaned or separated from their parents by Asia's tsunami may be falling prey to criminal gangs bent on selling them into slavery.

Now, I'll admit I have no idea how big a problem child slavery really is. But it seems to me that leaving all of these children - and others in war torn countries - in orphanages where it is extremely unlikely any fellow countrymen can or will adopt them is just stupid.

I understand that language can be a problem. And I understand the desire for their culture to be respected and to some degree maintained by an adoptive family. But should those desires really sentence orphans to years and years in orphanages in poverty stricken nations? No.

I know even the appearance of buying/selling children does, and probably should raise alarms. But surely there has to be a better way. There should at least be a time limit to finding a suitable family within their home country.

Hell, put the people in charge of pet adoptions in charge of adopting these orphans. They are certainly picky enough about who adopts stray cats and dogs.

Slippery When Wet

I'll never understand why shampoo and conditioner bottles, and other various bath/shower products, come in smooth, plastic containers. How hard would it be to make them out of something a little less slippery?

Desperate but not serious

There is a lot of debate, and I'm sure it will only increase, about privatizing social security. I've got a very simple solution. Instead of spending trillions of dollars to convert it to a private account system, and then spending who knows how much after that, simply figure out what every one is owed as of say tax day - April 15, spend whatever it takes and just mail the checks and call it even. There, no more social security problems. Then it really will be a private account system.

Yes, I'm aware there are probably 100 good reasons it's not really feasibly, I'm just saying if we're serious about solving the problem, well, abolishing the system is one way to do that. And, every one would at least get something out of it, which a lot of pundits say won't be the case in another ten to twenty years.

Big World

I finished reading Jim Rogers' Adventure Capitalist early last week when the devastation of the tsunami was just beginning to be realized. Jim spent 1999 thru 2001 driving literally around the world with his wife. It was broader than Dark Star Safari that I really loved reading. And it was as much fun as watching Long Way Round where Ewan McGregor and his best friend ride their motocycles from Scotland to New York City across Europe, Mongolia, Russia, Alaksa and the northern US.

One interesting sidenote to both Long Way Round and Adventure Capitalist is that it certainly requires a stunning amount of money to undertake such ventures, and that celebrity status doesn't hurt either. Just the cash needed to bribe all the officials at all the border crossing is staggering.

It's fascinating to me to read about all the different countries and their economies. I'm not sure how much we really understand that it is all a global economy. Second only to my longing to really understand the in's and out's of the history of mankind would be my longing to understand global economics and politics.

It's stunning to see the outpouring of money to the areas affected by the tsunami. I can only wonder (not even imagine) how this will affect the economies of all those places, and therefore the world.

I do believe that the next five to ten years will bring changes we're just beginning to imagine. Even though parts of Adventure Capitalist were written as late is 2003 (I'm pretty sure) he wasn't aware of blogs and the huge impact they're having not only on the small scale, but also on the international scale. And if that was in doubt, the stunning amounts of information about the tsunami on hundreds of blogs this past week erased it.

One of the biggest decisions I see the U.S. having to make is if we're going to fully embrace freedom and personal responsibility or if we're going to give in and be a socialist nation. The current states of Social Security and health care alone will force our hands.

Anyway, check out the book, it's a very easy educational read.

The Life Aquatic

We went to see The Life Aquatic yesterday afternoon. We both thought it would be a fun, lighthearted movie to end the year on. It just wasn't that great. It felt like watching a B movie about making bad documentaries. I read a little of the local weekly rag's review and knew it was a Wes Anderson film who did Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums, so I didn't have a set idea of how the movie would be. There were a few laughs from the audience, but not a lot.

I pretty much left thinking, what was that about? There wasn't a real stand out plot line. It wasn't about romance, although it could have been about a couple of romances. It wasn't about revenge, although the trailer kind of set that up.

So it was just a wandering around story about this supposed eccletic group of people. That might have worked if the acting hadn't felt so much like a B movie.

That said, I'm sure it'll be a big hit, I always seem to dislike those.