Beth's Contradictory Brain

??

I had too much time on my hands this weekend, so I went blog surfing and checked out the blogrolls on some of my favorite reads, as well as a bunch of blogs from Blogher.

My question is - does reading about other people's lives through their blogs make you feel better or worse about your own life?

Reading the blogs from Blogher mostly just made me feel different - but not in a bad way, and sometimes bored with the sameness of them.

New Messiah?

I, too, was wondering what Brad and Angelina were thinking when naming the poor girl Shiloh Nouvel - new messiah? As if the kid isn't going to have enough to deal with.

Yummy

Global Food Blog Report.

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm not sure this post will be more coherent than rambling...

HBO has the Band of Brothers mini series on their On Demand. I've never seen it and thought it would make good viewing on this Memorial Day Weekend.

This is what I wrote two years ago when Nerdstar was in Iraq. It's almost exactly what I was thinking again today.

I don't believe Nerdstar takes any pride in her military service. She thinks it's just a job she's doing because it pays better than any other job she can find for now.

I just want to say that I'm proud of her. I'm proud of her service to our country, especially since she's not even native born American! This post from two years ago is about a close call she had with a mortar, and the soldiers who were injured or died.

So my heart and prayers go out, again, still, to all the soldiers "in the field" this weekend. And maybe even more, they go out to all the families left behind.

And here's hoping that one day gay soldiers and their families will be an openly welcome part of it all.

Underpaid

Nerdstar and I have a running joke (that's true but funny) that I'm her spare brain. Well, I'm usually her own personal entertainment, too. And as such, I'm highly underpaid.

When she finally decided she was serious about wanting to go to Japan, I told her that I wouldn't tell her she couldn't go, but that I'd rather she didn't. I really didn't want to spend three + months by myself here in the boring Midwest. I told her that the chances were good she wouldn't even enjoy being there enough to justify this additional time apart, after we've already had so much. She thought it would be a good job opportunity, and that the extra money she'd be earning would be worth it to help us move.

Well, I was more right than I wanted to be. And she didn't even write half of what's been bad about her two weeks there so far.

Entertainment

Well, the regular tv season is over. I've got lots of time on my hands with my Nerdstar being gone. What dvds and books should I be checking out??

Baghdad ER Again

This post over on Michael Yon's site is another good read about the show. Catch it this weekend if you can.

Skype Hassles

Skype is starting to piss me off! I'm pretty good about reading FAQs and fine print and such. But two things I seem to have missed until it was already a problem - 1) that calls to a cell phone are 7 times more expensive than to a land line, and 2) that there is a $20 dollar limit per month on a credit card. And fuck that if they think I'm going to give PayPal money to buy more time with them. Grrrr.

Wow

Ok which was better? Prince on AI or the Lost finale?? Both had me yelling at my tv! Thank God for dvrs! I rarely watch something more than once, but I just might have to watch Lost again tomorrow. I don't think any other tv show has ever made me hold my breath as much as Lost has this season. And I didn't even watch the first season.

Now, bring on Deadwood season 3!!

This and That

Just the usual going on around here.

I seem to be alone, but I really don't want Taylor to win American Idol. He's a Vegas lounge act at best, a clown at worst. I can't wait to see the season finale of Lost tonight. I'll be watching it live and recording Idol. I loved House last night. Wow, I'm so glad that poor patient wasn't real. It was bad enough when his eye popped out, then to blow out his balls - terrible!!

Work has been work. My phone rang at 6:20 yesterday morning, they wanted to know if I could come in early. I was scheduled 9:30 to 6, which will be my Monday thru Friday schedule when I go full time on the 5th. They had three out of five people call in sick yesterday, so I went in an hour early. Not that the people who open ever seem to stay an hour late. Then, when the manager who I'd had a misunderstanding with last week (explained next) asked if I could work today or tomorrow, I said I had things scheduled already. Which was true. I had an apt. to get my car fixed. (explained after next)

See, week before last when I had my interview for the full time job, I understood that any days I wasn't working up North until the 5th, I'd go ahead and work downtown. So, after showing up Monday and Tuesday, the manager got a hold of me Wednesday morning explaing that had been a misunderdstanding. Fine. But then she made some remarks about how I had apparently told everyone I was hired instead of waiting for management to make that announcement. Huh? I'm supposed to keep it a secret? In an office where gossip runs faster Carl Lewis? Right. To top it off, she says she's also "heard" that I plan on moving in August. I said, with all honesty, I have no plans to move in August. I said that Nerdstar comes home in August, maybe that was the mix up. (I have mentioned to people that I'd like to move before the end of the year.) She said she hopes I wouldn't take a job knowing I'd be moving. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Why wouldn't I take a full time job, even if I had definite plans to move by the end of the year?

Anyway. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I considered not taking the full time job and just doing shifts "as needed" up North. But that doesn't seem smart. Our goal is to get as much money in the savings as possible to give us more choices when Nerdstar gets home.

So, no, I didn't feel too bad about saying I couldn't work today or tomorrow, when I could have if I wanted.

I did get the car fixed though. The "low coolant" light had come on driving downtown last week and I was just happy it didn't overheat driving it home that evening. It was temtping to just let it sit while Nerdstar is gone and drive her car or the new motorcycle. But, I don't really want to put more miles on her newer car because it already has way too many for it's age. I decided to at least see what was wrong with it. Turned out to be the water pump, which I think I payed way too much to GoodYear to fix, but they're pretty much the only place to get work done around here without a lot of hassle.

Let me just say. One of the biggest sucky things about not having friends while Nerdstar's away - no one to help out with things like rides to the mechanic.

That's pretty much life these days. Cleaning house, watching tv, chatting with Nerdstar when I can, taking care of the pets, and working.

Baghdad ER

Wow. I wasn't really planning on watching it. But I was setting the dvr to record Sopranos and caught the very beginning of it and decided to watch. I've seen two or three other documentaries on Iraq, but this was really something special. The website can explain it better than I can. I certainly couldn't have watched it while Nerdstar was over there. And I highly recommend it.

This is an interview with the filmmakers.

Go Read

Nerdstar writes about her trip so far.

Not Surprising

Hospitals noisier than motorycles. That doesn't really suprise me. Any time I've had to be at the hospital between 3 and 5 a.m. to do early morning blood draws, I've been amazed at the amount of noise, especially at shift change. You've got nurses, doctors, phlebotomists, techs, and whoever else coming in and out of patient rooms, checking charts, sharing information. It's crazy. If I ever have to spend any time in a hospital I'm taking a good pair of earplugs and eyecovers!

Pet Cemetary

Nerdstar and I have had several conversations about what to do with our pets' remains when the time should come. I think we've finally agreed on cremation. Then, she wanted "alters" for each of them - with the little urn, pics, etc. I had to laugh. That might be manageable if the three pets we currently have were going to be our only pets, but I'm sure that's not going to be the case. So, imagine some part of the house with lots of little "alters" to past pets. That would get creepy!

I've also joked with Nerdstar that I'm just going to cremate her, too, and put her ashes and all of the ashes from the pets in one big urn. That way they can all be together. She just gives me her sigh and eyeroll.

Inspired by this post.

Deja Vu

Shortly after Nerdstar had left for Iraq, I was going though the kitchen trying to find something to eat, and saw all the things that were hers in the pantry. Things like canned eel, pickled duck eggs, ten different kinds of hot teas, five or six kinds of ramen, etc. So instead of just throwing them all away or letting them go bad before she came home, I boxed it all up and mailed it to her!

I just did the same thing - except this time it's going to Japan. The base there seems to be pretty basic. And although her barracks are between the chow hall and the PX, apparently the poor girl just can't find anything good to eat. To her - that's the definition of hell. Heh.

She got a cell phone to use over there, and since I downloaded Skype, I can call her and it't not to terribly expensive. Although, the call to her cell phone seemed to be a lot more expensive than the one to her office phone. Not sure why.

Three and a half months doesn't sound like a long time. But I think it's going to feel like a long time.

Update

Nerdstar made it safe and sound to the base in Japan after her delay. It's taken a few days to get settled in. She's glad she only signed up for a 100 day tour over there. It's nice, but not nice enough to stay long term. She said her room in the barracks doesn't even have a tv - oh the horror! At least she doesn't have to share it with someone.

I did download Skype last night so I can call her over the computer and talk for pretty cheap! $10 is supposed to get us about 7 hours of calls, hopefully that's true. With our schedules they way they are she's at work in the mornings when I'm getting home from work in the evening and we can chat through Gmail and I can call her office.

There's already drama at work about my new job. All I'll say is that I have to learn over and over that you just can't really trust anyone anymore. And that's sad. Like I've said, I'm there to make money not friends. The best part of the job for me is working with the patients - and I have a least two or three every day tell me I'm doing good.

One other thing I know - I could never be a single mother. I'm doing good to come home from work and take care of me and the pets!

Immigration

A few thoughts.

My Nerdstar is an immigrant. Her whole entire family came over here in bit and pieces, over many years. It took her seventeen years to get her citizenship - not even military service sped it up. (I'll get to military and citizenship in a minute.)

I've never been a big fan of this dual language stuff. I don't think forms, signs, etc. should be in anything but English. When I went to spend a week in Mexico City with a friend from college, everyone there asked why I hadn't learned Spanish - they'd all learned English when there were in that States. The difference being, they went to college here, I was only there for a week.

But I think one of the most obvious dis-incentives that has to be addressed by anyone serious about immigration reform is that currently any baby born in the US is automatically a citizen. I think it should be changed to at least one parent having to be a US citizen and the baby being born here.

Then you stop all the free healthcare, welfare, and maybe even school. Although both Nerdstar and I know it would be incredibly hard to start denying children an education.

But what's really most interesting to me is how this issue became so big over a short period of time.

Season Finalies

Do you prefer cliff hangers or do you want it all wrapped up?

I've never been a big fan of cliff hangers. I mean, if I'm already a fan of the show I'm watching the next season pretty much no matter what. If I'm not a fan of the show - some spectacular two hour thing with a what the hell happens next ending that won't be resolved for months won't suck me in.

Poker and God

OR

Bad Beats, Taking It Personally, and Faith Residuals

I finally got to go play poker today. I bought in for $200 and won three or so little pots, was up over $100, and was hoping to spend a few hours playing. Now, I've never played for a few hours. I either go broke or win big enough to stop playing within an hour and a half.

I get KQ spades and have a good feeling about it. I think it was like $30 to see the flop. Ok. Flop comes 2 9 10 - two spades. Great. I've got the flush and straight draws. Now, 85% of the time I don't play draws. But again, I had a good feeling about the KQ and I'm right 90% of the time with that feeling. So the first guy goes all in. He's got probably $800 in front of him. The next guy calls. I'm like, shit! All three of us are all in, so we show our cards. The first guy has three tens - which has been a winning hand three times since I sat down, the other guy has pocket Aces. I'd call for my remaining $220. Sure enough, the turn is a Jack giving me the straight. Nice! Only three cards can beat me - a 2, 9 or 10. As is my luck - the river is a 9. The dick across from me has a full house to beat my straight.

If I'd won that hand I would have had over $700. Instead, I was busted out.

So, I'm driving to get some lunch before heading home and I get to thinking about why it is I take things like that so absolutely personally. It's like my brain thinks - thanks God, you gave me the winning hand and then made me lose.

And I realize that it's left over from my church going days.

See, I spent many years believing God was at least willing and able to be directly involved in my every day life.

What I realized today is that it made me take every little thing that happens personally. Traffic jams, wrong turns, good luck, bad luck, everything.

Now, it's not as pervasive as it used to be. And I think in some small way my anger has subsided with the lessening of that idea. But it was weird to see it more clearly.

Figures

Nerdstar's flight was overbooked by 20 people - so she got bumped. It didn't even matter she's on military orders.

The only upside is that she's stranded in Chicago where her sister lives. Now she's on a flight tomorrow morning.

And She's Off

Well, I dropped Nerdstar off at the airport this morning. I think she has what all she needs, but I wouldn't be surprised if she forgot something.

I can't say the time we had right before she left was great. She got in Thursday night and we had a decent dinner, got a few things done and crashed. I knew she had some things to get done yesterday, including all of her packing. But in typical Nerdstar fashion, it took four hours to do things on post that I had hoped would only take an hour. Then it took her about eight hours to get organized and packed. The only good thing about that was I got some organizing and cleaning done at the same time. There was going to be some sort of get together with some of her co-workers last night, but only one guy showed. It was cool to talk with him and all, but I think I'd prefer a nice romantic dinner the last night together before 105 days apart. After dinner it was more packing and such.

By the time we finally got to bed about midnight I was a little frustrated. I told her it'd be nice to have the kind of girlfriend who'd have planned ahead and planned something even a little special. In some ways that's unfair of me. We both know she's not the "plan something special" type, that's generally more my role. I think somewhere along the way I got tired of that role.

We didn't exactly fight, but just had one of our hard to have conversations. She explained how she's just having a hard time since we moved here. I don't know. I've dealt with depression and such enough to know that changing location doesn't usually change my brain.

So, it's six weeks until I fly over and visit. I don't think we'll get much time on the phone, but we're hoping to use the Gmail chat a lot. It's 14 hours later there, and that might work out so that when I'm getting home from work, she's at work in the morning and hopefully can be online. We'll have a better idea of things in about 48 hours. She doesn't even know anything about the barracks she'll be staying in - other than it's between the chow hall and the PX - which makes her happy!

Good News

Nerdstar made it home last night and it's actually kinda weird having her here. I've spent most of the week mentally preparing for her to be gone for 104 days and adjusting to life alone for that period. She's got a few errands to run today and a lot of packing to do. Then it's breakfast and a morning flight out tomorrow.

I've been volunteering to help out at work with a bunch of health fairs for the past two or three weeks. I wasn't scheduled at either hospital and I figured it'd get me a few hours and a lot of practice at drawing blood. Well, it also got me a full time position at the hospital downtown! It's kinda crazy how just showing up on time and being reliable and happy to do your job is seen as something special these days.

Tuesday I got a brief email from the downtown lab manager saying to give her a call. I figured she was calling to apologize for having messed up my pay last week. Nope, she was calling to see if I was interested in interviewing for the opening downtown. I had figured that since I'm about to take 3 weeks off at the end of next month, I'd wait until I was back from that to think about a "real" job position. I haven't been unhappy doing "as needed" hours, because it's given me the freedom to take off when I wanted to. But she said she'd be happy to work around the few remaining days I have already scheduled up north and the 3 weeks off. Cool.

The interview was yesterday. It was pretty short and to the point. She'd worked a few of the health fairs I was at and was impressed and wanted me to take the open job downtown. I figure with Nerdstar being gone I might as well work as much as I can so we can bank more $$. And, as I wrote the other day, it'll certainly help the time she's gone go much faster!

Part of me would rather it was a full time job at the north location. I've certainly learned more up there and like the co-workers and it's half the distance. But I just don't see that a job will open up there anytime soon. I feel kinda bad because I think the manager up there will be disappointed to lose me. I'll let her know that if anything full time does open up to keep me in mind, I can always transfer locations.

The only thing that's a little sucky is that a woman who was in my class with me has been busting her butt full time at the downtown location for about six weeks now and yet I got offered a "real" position before she did. We're pretty sure she'll be made "real" soon, but I'd be pissed if I were her. I really like working with her, she's a fellow Texan, so I'll see how she's taking it on Monday.

Howdy

I got a comment from one of my "lurkers" the other day and it just about made my day!

I love SiteMeter. Mostly I love seeing where people are reading from. Best I can tell, I've got lurkers in Reston, Virginia; Herndon, Virginia; Florence, Kentucky; Sunnyvale, CA - which always makes me think of Sunnydale and Buffy; Wichita, KS, and probably Dallas, TX. It's hard to tell sometimes with cities like Houston and Dallas, they could just be random folks coming through.

So, Howdy to all my lurkers :-)

Easier

Other than the unknown end result of Nerdstar being gone for 105 days, I think it's going to be easier not having her around this time. Mostly, it'll be a lot less stressful because I don't have to worry 24/7 about her getting blown up. That alone will make a huge difference. But I can already tell, having her in Houston these few days, that having a job is also going to make her being gone a lot easier mentally and emotionally. Over time I'll even get the house clean and organized.

Maybe it'll be good to feel both productive and independent. We'll see.

Bleh

I've generally refrained from writing about problems between Nerdstar and I. There are lots of reasons why. Sometimes it just seems unfair to her to write about it, sometimes it seems like it would take too much explanation, sometimes I don't want to admit things aren't all rosey. You know, stuff like that.

We had our 8th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us even bothered to blog about it. Because we dislike life here in the Midwest so much, it's hard to find places where we enjoy going out to celebrate things like birthdays and anniversaries.

But while life in the Midwest does seem to be sucking the life out of us, I'm not as convinced as Nerdstar that it explains most of our problems.

We've had tons of conversations about trust and secrets and such since her viasco with her roommie in Iraq. Unfortunately, the whole mess is still an issue.

For me, I find I often come back to the theme of is good good enough? Yes, we live together well, we have fun, travel, enjoy hanging out. But I often feel there's a deeper level we're missing.

I know there for a while I found myself feeling trapt, through doings all my own. After I quit my job in Austin while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I never would have guessed it would be so hard to find another one. So I ended up being home alone a lot, depending on Nerdstar's income. There were times I think I would have left her if I'd had the means. After we moved up here I finally got determined to become more self sufficient. I'm not there yet, but closer.

I'm 38 years old and life just isn't as long as it should be. It's not that I think there's someone else out there. Or even that I think life would be better without her. It's just a re-occuring theme of wishing this relationship was better than it is.

I'm not sure I'm saying much that makes sense, or even what I wanted to say. But since I don't have anyone around to talk things over with, I figure I might as well put it out here.

The Trip

It was a long weekend, but a good one. We got to Dallas Friday night in time to take the family out to dinner. I'd gotten lucky at the casino earlier and had started with $60 and left with $265. (I actually put five bucks on the 3 in roulette and that's the number that hit!) It was a nice dinner, but I think next time we'll stick with something simplier and cheaper.

Saturday was cool and rainy, but we took the kid to Six Flags anyway. I figured it couldn't rain ALL day. It didn't, but we did manage to get rather soaked. Fortunately, all the kids' rides and stuff don't close in the rain. My brother and I had hoped to ride a few roller coasters, but the first two times we stood in line for one it ended up closing before we could get on. The park closed at 10 pm, and at 9 we made it over to the Titan and thankfully the line was short! It's easily the best roller coaster I've ever ridden!! The kid got to ride lots of rides and I think he had fun. He's not the overly emotional type. My brother got the two of them season passes, so I hope he takes him out there a few more times.

Sunday was the birthday party. Not a ton of people, but he got lots of cool toys.

Then last night Nerdstar and I took him to dinner with us.

He is really such a good kid. I can only hope to have a kid that good.

This morning we got up to tell him bye before he headed out to school. He was all sad we were leaving, and then wanted us to leave Ramen dog there for him. I took Nerdstar to the airport and then made the long drive back here. At least this time of year everything is nice and green along the drive.

Storm before the calm

Things feel more hectic around here than they are. Nerdstar has spent all week "clearing post" which meant going to almost every building on post and getting one person or another to sign something. Poor thing even had to get a couple of shots before her trip to Japan. Today it's the pets turn to go with her and get their shots. Basic vet care is very cheap on post.

Tomorrow we head to my folks' house for the weekend, for the kid's birthday. We can't wait to see him and to eat some good food!! Saturday we're taking the kid to Six Flags, that should be a blast! I'll try to take a bunch of pics.

Then Monday I drive back home and Nerdstar flies to Houston to visit her grandparents before leaving the country.

She comes back home Thursday and flies to Japan Saturday.

So everything feels crazy and out of place. But I know I'll have way too much time to be calm and quiet when she's gone.

We bought my ticket to Japan for June 28th. I'm pretty excited about the trip. Once Nerdstar is settled in over there I'll start doing some research on what to do our few days in Tokyo.

Moussaoui

As usual, Peggy Noonan puts my thoughts much better than I could.

I happen, as most adults do, to feel a general ambivalence toward the death penalty. But I know why it exists. It is the expression of a certitude, of a shared national conviction, about the value of a human life. It says the deliberate and planned taking of a human life is so serious, such a wound to justice, such a tearing at the human fabric, that there is only one price that is justly paid for it, and that is the forfeiting of the life of the perpetrator. It is society's way of saying that murder is serious, dreadfully serious, the most serious of all human transgressions.

I hope he doesn't do any more damage. I hope this is the last we hear of him. But I'm not hopeful about my hopes.

Go read the whole thing

Go Read

Mickey Rothenberg died on United Airlines Flight 93 on September 11, 2001. Andrew Bernstein, Mickey’s nephew, was kind enough to speak with Sheldrake about September 11, his reactions to UNITED 93, and touched on the coverage/Talkbacks swirling around the film here on AICN.

United 93

I went to see it this afternoon. I've got the day off and had some errands to run this morning. Nerdstar didn't want to see it yet, so I knew today would be a good time to catch it in a mostly empty theater by myself.

I remember when Schindler's List came out and it took me a couple of weeks to sort of mentally prepare myself to see it. It was another movie I went to see by myself in the afternoon so I'd have time to kind of recover afterwards. And while Schindler's List was real, it wasn't nearly as real to me as the events of 9/11 for obvious reasons.

Right up there with the sorrow and sympathy for those on the flights, in the WTC, the air traffic controlers and anyone associated first hand with the events of that day, is still my simmering rage at those who committed these horrible acts. Even just seeing the trailer for the first time brought "you bastards" to my lips once again.

There are tons of things being written about United 93, almost all of what I've read has been really positive. They're all right.

Sitting through it also reminded me of sitting through most of Shakespear's tragedies - you know it's all going to end very, very badly, yet you hold out hope anyway.

Anyway, should you see it? Yes.