Beth's Contradictory Brain

Misc.

It's been a decent week so far. I'm sure glad that not only is tomorrow Friday, but it's a long weekend. Saturday is haircuts and massages!

Work has been ok this week. I've mostly been at other locations that the main draw station I work at. At one place I'm the only phleb there, and the other there are two of us and a lot less patients. I'm not crazy about working a location by myself, but I guess it's a sure fire way to learn more!

It's mostly nice having Nerdstar home, but damn can that girl frustrate me. I asked one thing of her Monday night - that she be home when I get home so we can cook dinner and spend time together. Well, days two and three of that request - didn't happen. Bleh.

Other than that not much to write about.

Not A Pretty Girl

I think it speaks for itself...

not a pretty girl - ani difranco

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up

i am not a pretty girl
i don't want to be a pretty girl
no i want to be more than a pretty girl

Weekend

Nerdstar finally landed back in KC about 1 a.m. Friday night. I had been watching the weather radar online and saw there was going to be a short clearing - thankfully the pilots had had a long day and saw the same clearing and took it.

It's been a good weekend, too much food, but that's life with my Nerdstar!

We went to see Little Miss Sunshine today. I loved it!! I don't think I've seen a better cast movie than that - could the expressions on the sons face have been any more perfect? And while I kept wondering what in the world the grandpa was rehearsing with the little girl, even I didn't see that routine coming! But in the end - isn't that how families are - doing the right thing and looking out for each other when push comes to shove?

On an unrelated note. We've taken to calling living in the midwest living in pergatory. I've also written about how at least 75% of my patients at work are old white people. The other week when one of the doctor's offices was closed and we got all of their patients as well, the door opened and in walked six or seven OWPs rather slowly. I looked up and caught a glimpse and had to walk to another part of the office and laugh - I was totally reminded of Night of the Living Dead and zombies! I told that to one of my coworkers and they laughed, too. I guess it's only fitting that there are the living dead in pergatory.

Good Bye Deadwood

Well, I think I can live with that ending. How appropriate that Al's on his knees cleaning up blood. How sad for Trixie - but doesn't a new life always come at a price? Poor Johnny, but at least he had big balls. I'm going to miss the hell out of EB, I love his pose at the end on his roof - he gets his hotel back. I missed Doc in this episode, but I'm grateful he didn't die before the season ended. We all pretty much knew Hurst left town instead of being killed - but wasn't Langrish smart? And Richardson got to vote.

Sigh. I'm ready for season 3 on dvd to hear all the commentaries!

Here's Alan's take on it.

Very Bad DejaVu

Just like on her flight over to Japan, Nerdstar's been stuck in Chicago.

Her 3 pm flight was cancelled - who knows why - fuckin United. So now it's after 9 pm and she thinks she'll be on a 10 pm flight home. Bleh.

So you know what that means, right? She didn't get to go to the buffet tonight like she wanted, and I had to walk the dog again.

Update: 11:18 pm - now that Nerdstar should actually be in the air in route - there are massive thunder storms all around KC. Great. They've got 45 minutes to blow on through so they can land. Doubtful...

Why Do We Have to Choose?

I've often wondered if it's more comfortable being more conservative living among liberals or more liberal living among conservatives. Not that I think I fall on either end of the spectrum. Having moved from Austin to KC, I can definitely tell you I prefer living amongst the liberals - they just seem to have more fun. There just aren't a lot of neighborhoods full of conservative gay people!

Eden writes similar thoughts...

I'm tired of mostly-natural, overpriced food being the exclusive domain of the left. As a libertarian, I tend to find the far left as offensive as the far right, but is it right to feel as unwelcome at a grocery store as I would at an NRA rally? I believe both in natural foods and gun ownership, but I don't buy into the political package that accompanies either. Even my neighborhood can be uncomfortable sometimes. I live in a lovely area full of community-minded people, including an unusual proportion of openly gay folks. That's great, but now democratic political signs have started sprouting up like dandelions and even our neighborhood association newsletter is full of anti-Republican rants. My car is parked among a fleet of vehicles with anti-Bush bumper stickers, some of which are downright offensive even to someone who doesn't like the man. Sure, I could have chosen to live in one of the righty enclaves instead, but I would have been no more at home there amongst the Republican signs and omnipresent flags. It's almost enough to make a gal want to join the Free State Project, if only to live somewhere that I don't have to bite my tongue and smile politely every time someone mentions politics.

arigato

Nerdstar says her goodbyes to Japan.

Just a little more waiting

About midnight my time, Nerdstar will be getting on a plane and heading back home to me. I think as of right now she's probably on the 3 hour bus ride to the airport.

As for me, between now and picking her up at the airport, I've got to be at work at 7:30 (an hour and a half earlier than usual) and on top of that - it's just me and the manager working the first hour and a half - fun! I'm literally praying no patients come through the door during that time! It's going to be a long 5 hours at work before hitting the door.

I told Nerdstar that I'm so very, very glad she's coming home on a Friday afternoon so we have all weekend together, but that it also means I don't have the energy to get the house all cleaned before she gets here. In the three hours between leaving work and picking her up at the airport, I have to at least wrap her welcome home presents!

I'm ready to have my snuggle bunny home with me again. I certainly hope she's as tired of her being away from home as I am!

Better Reading

I can't tell you how much I admire a man who can write a post this long and loving about chocolate.

Even as a lesbian, I have to admit to feeling almost like this about Tim Gunn.

Outlaw

I've got an idea to do lyrics on Mondays. You know, because it can be so hard to be coherent after Mondays at work.

First up is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite Austin singers - Sarah Dashew.

Outlaw

Catfish and your eyes, couldn’t think of a nicer surprise
A lovelier way to spend a Monday night, well I wouldn’t begin to surmise
But I have to confess that the heat and your sighs, how you almost brushed my breasts,
My fingernails running over your thighs, are imagining you being undressed.

The trouble with getting undressed is that we’re not supposed to be.
The trouble with that is that you have to leave.

And every song has a you, a you the singer sings to,
And that line’s not mine, but baby, this time it’s you.

You can keep looking for love in a kind face, with questioning eys,
Blow circles of smoke out of pipe dreams of hope, through a thin-skinned disguise.
But you wake up next to an empty pack of smokes, and that’s all it is, just one more time.
The trouble I have with that is your not smoking mine.

And when you call when you’re not supposed to,
And when I fall, I fall right through you.

It doesn’t count that I’m closing my eyes and watching you instead of sheep.
It doesn’t count that I bury my burn, seek my own absolution in sleep.
Cause I want to come riding up and sweep you away across the plains when you call.

But the trouble with that is that makes me an outlaw.

She has put a podcast on iTunes you should check out. She does commentary and songs not on her current album.

But mostly, you just need to hear her voice. It was a little sweeter when she was younger (whose wasn't) - but man, when I've got my earphones on listening to her songs from my iPod - well, let's just say it's more than a little nice!

Deadwood

I actually screamed NOOO at my tv when Elsworth was shot. Those bastards. I knew the season couldn't end without someone dying, but I didn't see it being him!

All I can say is that because I'm pretty damn sure they can't/won't resolve everything in the season finale - they had better make those two hour movies I've read about.

Here's a better take on the episode than mine, by Alan.

Building A Life

As is so often the case with my entries, this one is full of half formed thoughts and ideas.

How do you build the life you want? Or more to the point, how do I build the life I want?

I believe the past seven or eight years brought about an almost complete deconstruction of me. The year I turned 30 I changed everything I could change. Then came Nerdstar and the year + of Iraq and unemployment. I can only hope that was the low point of my life. Then came the move to the midwest.

But for reasons I can not articulate, I truly believe a corner has been turned. It's crazy how just having a job I feel good at has helped that feeling of optimism.

And while we aren't at all sure where Nerdstar's next job will be, I'm hoping it's safe to say that within the next two months or so, we'll be moving again.

The next two building blocks I hope and pray for are a baby and even just a small set of friends - maybe a group to play poker and ride motorcycles with.

Building blocks of life.

My girlfriend is so gay

From our morning IM:

i have a dream.....
where all men and women, gay or straight, bi or tri sexual
can get together, have beer and chicken wings over porn

and after that, i go to bed with the gf, on our flying bed

because we are islands in the stream, how can we be wrong

sail away with me, to another world

where we rely on each other, uh-huh

from one lover to another, uh-huh!

Well Now I Know

What the internet is for...

Thanks to Nerdstar for sharing!

Bleh

Work has been mad busy this week. I came home and took a nap and am about ready to go to bed and it's not even 10 pm. I'm trying not to think about tomorrow. I have a feeling we'll be just as busy, but instead of four of us working - there will be two. Fun.

I've been watching Supernova and every week I've loved watching Zayra - she's the most entertaining one on there. Yes, she's totally wrong for the band, but so are most of them. I'll never understand why everyone loves Dilana - that girl can't sing for shit - not even with the band behind her. Oh well.

I'm also totally sad Allison is off of Project Runway. I don't think I've ever thought an elimination on a reality show was so wrong.

Well, at least 24 hours from now it's the weekend!

I think she's tired, too

Just One Bite.

But, it's all blended into white noise this week. I'm tired of talk radio hosts who can't differentiate between big stories and the mildly offensive comments of their counterparts on the opposite end of the political spectrum. My threshold for actually caring about the Middle East has been exceeded; I've hit that frustrated point where "let's get our troops and money out of there and just let them blow each other up" sounds reasonable. The celebrity gossip feels more strained and ludicrous than ever. There's no longer any perspective in news coverage; no sense of what's important and what's trivial. Maybe it's my fault for getting the vast majority of my news online, but it feels like a non-stop barrage of crap, with things like Hezbollah vs Israel getting equal weight with Mel Gibson's DUI or the latest reporter who just discovered MySpace. My filters are clogged and I need to turn off the input for a couple of days, I think.

Go read the whole thing.

Outsider

It's been a decent weekend. One more on my own before Nerdstar returns.

In my cross-training duties at work, there were a couple of afternoons last week I got to work with one of the ladies (R) who was really helpful back when I was taking the phleb class. She works for the same boss, but over in a different lab location. Back during the class, the only guy in the class was in a band, so Nerdstar and I, one of the instructors and her husband, and R and a friend went to check him out. The only problem was, it wasn't his band playing that night. Oh well, the band that did play was pretty good.

This week R mentioned going out to hear some music at this new venue she's found, so Friday after work we met up with another friend of hers for dinner and then some more ladies joined us at the club to hear music.

R's asked how Nerdstar's doing, and we've talked a little about her being gone and my trip over there and such, talked a little about what comes next after Nerdstar comes home - as in who knows what's next. She refers to Nerdstar as "your girlfriend" but I'm almost positive she uses the term "girlfriend" as a generic term as some straight women are known to do. I let it slide and usually answer the best I can.

So, it was kinda funny, kinda ironic when we were at dinner and all of the sudden R leans in and comments on how one of the young women at the table diagonol from us is caressing the other young woman's leg with her foot - and then goes on to say how she doesn't mind people being like that - as long as she doesn't have to see it. I almost choked laughing, but caught myself. She asked if I minded and said of course I didn't. HA! Straight women can be so confusing!

It was cool listening to the jazz band. There was some vibe about the venue that had me craving getting high like no one's business. Another irony, R and one of her friends had talked about how people they knew were always smoking pot, but evidently they don't. So while I was only one degree separated from pot, there's no way I could try to get some.

I had a rum and coke and was pretty tired and my contacts were drying out, so I was pretty mellow. I'd listen to the band and let my mind wander. I tried to peg just what it is that made me feel so different from the other women at the table. And it was nothing to do with race or sexual orientation. (I was the only white chick.)

I just can't quite adequately express it. It was just a microcosm of why I don't like living in the Midwest.

One thing I noticed was an attitude toward tipping. I'm one of those people who tends to tip fairly well due to having waited tables in the past. What I realized was that these women have the view that they work hard for their money (and they do) and that they're not going to tip you well unless they think you've worked hard to earn it. It's not a huge thing, but it's just one of those differences of perspective that feels big.

I grew up lower middle class. But somehow I never knew that. I never felt like I lacked for anything. Although I think I got sensible money habits from my parents. But I don't view life as a poor, struggling person.

I really don't know how to express any of it. I can sit and talk and joke and have a decent time with those ladies. But I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's just the whole thing, maybe it is that I'm white, I'm college educated, I don't perceive myself as poor and underclass, I'm gay, I've traveled.

It sure would be nice to find a city and a group of friends I don't feel like an outsider in.

Tired

I'm so tired of world events. It's not that I don't care, it's not that there aren't things I truly wish were being done. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of all the playing politics with such life and death issues. I'm tired if dickhead terrorists. I'm tired of politicians from all over the world being pussies when it comes to dealing with said terrorists. I'm tired of bullshit media reports.

Studio 60

I took advantage of Netflix offering the pilot episode of Studio 60 and just finished watching it. Wow. Aaron Sorkin is responsible for two of my all time favorite tv shows - Sports Night and West Wing - this pilot feels familiar, yet not too familiar. One of the amazing things was that it actually made me not hate watching Matthew Perry!

Check it out if you get the chance.

What he said

I usually find it silly to quote someone who has fifty million more readers than me, but this time I just have to. Lileks pretty much expresses my sentiments about the whole Middle East mess right now. It's not that I'm not concerned on some level, but it's not a very active level. I turn on the cable news chanels and every day I think "isn't there anything else going on in the world?"

So here's the long quote from Lileks:

Mind you, it’s not the actual news that bothers me as much as the reaction to it; the reactions speak to something amiss in the heart of the West, a failure of nerve, a fatal lack of faith in the civilization we’re entrusted to defend. But the heart has two ventricles. There’s a large portion of America who – well, no. I can’t make generalizations like this, because they’re ridiculous, and it’s not for me to speak for 150 million of my countrymen. But I’ve had this suspicion for the last year. People joke about the “American street,” the basic Joe’s rising animosity to the Middle East. I don’t think there’s a rising hatred of the area; I think there’s a growing indifference. In the end, that’s worse.

Just a thought.

Monday Monday

Just another Monday. The hospital lab I work for has several auxilliary locations that we staff as well. With employees dropping like flies, we're all supposed to be cross training - but that mostly means me cross training. A co-worker's kid is sick and can't be at day care, so I'm at a different location today. I got here around 10 a.m, it's now 2:40 and I've seen exactly one patient. Now, that's good in that I haven't been overwhelmed with things I don't know. But it's bad because I'm bored out of my skull. I explained to my boss just Friday that I've spent plenty of time alone and unemployed, so I much prefer working at our main lab. (Yes, even with insane co-workers.)

So I've done much surfing and blog reading today. My little blogroll is growing, and I love each and every blogger on it!

Well, only 17 or so days until Nerdstar comes home. I'm really ready for her to be home. I'm starting to look at it in terms of how many more nights I have to walk the dog, how many times I have to do laundry and clean the litter boxes before handing those responsibilities over to her for a while! :-) She's planning on spending a month playing stay at home wife - should be fun! Thankfully, the big bucks she was hoping to make while in Japan have come through.

Go

Go read Nerdstar's entry from earlier today.

Lazy Day

One thing about my job, it really makes me appreciate weekends again.

Today has been a total nap fest for me.

Nerdstar's sister lent her a laptop to take back to Japan with her, so Nerdstar installed Skype. Not only can she chat from her little barricks room, we can talk for free! Pretty cool. So we talked for a while last night. It's not that we haven't been talking, it's just that she's probably spent a small fortune in phone cards.

I woke up at the ungodly for a weekend time of 7:20 this morning. I got to talk with Nerdstar before she had to head to bed. Then I promptly took a nap from about 9:30 this morning till noon. That's when I decided it was one of those no shower/no leave the house days.

After vacuuming and eating a sandwich and watching some tv and starting a roast cooking I took another hour + nap.

I hate summer. It's too damn long, the days are too damn long, and there's entirely too much sunshine! Growing up in the Texas heat, which lasts from mid May to October made me a night person. I remember there were many days when I was younger that I wouldn't leave the house until after dark, which meant around 10 pm just to run errands.

Today feels like that. Because if I don't go get gas and groceries in the cool of the dark tonight, it's going to feel over 100 around here again tomorrow.

Yawn.

Too Funny!

One of the cool things during my trip to Japan was getting to watch local Japenese tv. This is fantastic! (These are the kind of toilets you squat over, not western style you sit on.) You really should watch the whole video.

Found over at Ryan's blog.

Yep, About Damn Time

Apple Teams Up With Ford, General Motors & Mazda To Deliver Seamless iPod Integration Over 70 Percent of New Automobiles in US Will Offer iPod Integration in 2007.

What?

Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable... Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.

--N train, Astoria

Reminds me of the times I used to be allowed to visit Nerdstar's grandparents!

It also reminds me - I brought The Kid back a plastic Godzilla from Japan because my Mom has always been a big fan of the old Godzilla movies. So she's been renting them for The Kid to watch and he absolutely loves them. He's even sleeping with the doll. He has to call and tell me all about them. What's funny is he hasn't mentioned one word about not being able to understand what they're saying - you know, since it's all in Japanese and he can't read the subtitles! Who needs dialogue when you've got all that destruction going on!

Displaced

Silly was my cat a few years before Nerdstar moved in. We don't think Silly has ever forgiven either of us for disrupting her life time and again.

Since Nerdstar's been in Japan, Silly has decided to take her rightful place in my bed - just below Nerdstar's pillow on her side of the bed!

And I'm just not seeing how Nerdstar is going to be able to convince Silly to give up said rightful place.