Beth's Contradictory Brain

Free Flow

Hangin on the sofa, watching last week's Top Chef. Got Little Man asleep beside me, Ramen dog is chillin out somewhere. It's hard to say if he's sad Nerdstar isn't home. Do pets really understand what packed bags mean when you're walking out the door?

As most of you are aware, Nerdstar's Grandpa died yesterday afternoon. It doesn't matter that he was almost 93. It doesn't matter he was supposed to die from liver cancer over 20 years ago. It doesn't matter that we knew that although he was a stunningly stubborn man - who just last weekend told Nerdstar not to come and see him, he'd tell her when she needed to come down - and that it was kinda up to him how long he hung in there, he was fading. There is no way for her to be ready, to be ok with, him dying.

Her Grandma died 3 years ago. At the time she was in Japan for the summer with the Army. She's still sad about that and misses Grandma daily. Then about a year and a half ago her father died during a trip to Taiwan - it was completely unexpected. It really shook her up.

Now Grandpa. And although she and her sister still have other family members around, they're both feeling really alone.

Thankfully, Nerdstar got a flight out this afternoon and her and her sister get to spend some good time together before the viewing and funeral this weekend. She said it'll be weird being in Grandpa's house without him there.

I'm so sad for her. And while I want to be helpful and comfort her, sometimes I come up short.

We talk a lot about God and life and death and what's after this. But without any certainty about what's next, it's hard to be comforted.

Sigh. Life can be relentless.

Life Gets In The Way

of blogging.

Not that there's anything overly exciting going on these days. Just life.

I've been working more the past two weeks, but still have no idea what's going to happen long term. I guess I'm just taking it as it comes. For now that works for me. My co-worker at the good location and I are still hoping the powers that be will have me work there afternoons. It gives her the help she needs now that things are getting a lot busier, and it gives me mornings to run errands, clean house, go swim, and such.

Then there's the life and death issues. Life in that we're still hoping and trying to have a baby, and just not having any luck with it. It's weird to be so sad and yet in some ways still be optimistic. Death in that Nerdstar's grandpa isn't doing well health wise. He's almost 93 and stubborn as can be, so he's hanging in there. But we honestly don't know for how much longer. And this leaves Nerdstar sad.

Finally

Nerdstar has started a food blog.

Comedy

Walking along the boardwalk in AC, I got an idea from seeing all the huge billboards for upcoming shows.

I told Nerdstar, if I were ever a fairly well known comedian, I would have a "Pay My Bills" tour!

The show:

Thanks so much for coming! No, really, thanks for payin' my bills! I just got this amazing house a few months ago. You should see it.

Well, no, DON'T come see it. That would be weird. But, thanks for payin' for it!

And my car. Wow. I finally got a Bentley because it has all the B's on it - you know, for Beth. You should feel how amazing the ride is.

Well, no, I won't let you drive mine. But again, thanks for payin' for it.

Well, you've all been fantastic. Thanks for coming. I needed the money!

Good night!

And then walk off the stage.

Of course, then I'd have to go back out and do the rest of a real show. But I think that would be a fantastic opening.