Beth's Contradictory Brain

My Evil Brain

I've been a big Calvin and Hobbes fan for as long as I can remember. There's one strip where Calvin is on his sled at the top of the hill and he lists off a couple of obstacles and why he won't hit them. In the final panel he looks at the reader and says "My brain is trying to kill me." That's been the theme of my life ever since. I've thought for a long time about getting that last panel as a tattoo, but can never decide where on my body or if it would really translate all that well.

Anyway. My entire life I've fought my brain. I can remember in middle school lying awake late at night and wondering - if I'm thinking that my brain won't let me sleep... well, who is ME if not my brain. Yeah, I was that kind of kid.

It's never been major depression. The only time I tried meds was after 9/11. I hated feeling like a zombie. It's just sometimes a real fight to not be mired in doom and gloom.

In some ways it's been better the time I've been with Nerdstar. But the times I go too long without working, or she and I are having troubles (God forbid both of those are at the same time!) it gets harder to occupy my brain.

So it seems I've hit that point in not working, and probably a little pms sometimes, where there are dark little clouds over my head.

And my lack of self motivation really sucks.

Is the house really clean - no.
Do I got to the gym at least three times a week - no.
Have I done things like get dentist appointments out of the way - no.

Every day I have to find some little goal. It might be as simple as returning library books and going to the grocery store. It does help tremendously to get out of the house. I'm trying to do most of the housework and little projects around the house so Nerdstar doesn't have to on top of working. I'm also trying to cook more often.

I know I've written in the past about how weird it is to be a housewife and not have a kid to take care of. (Sorry, I don't want to go back and find the link right now.) I don't know why a kid would make me feel less guilty about not working.

And I guess the other part of not working and all this time is the loneliness.

But, I'm working on all of it. I'm slowly looking for jobs since my current one isn't calling. I keep plugging away at getting something done every day. It's been good for my reading habit sometimes.

Homemade Caramel Popcorn

This stuff is a pain in the butt to make, but it's so yummy!

Pop one cup of popcorn into a very large aluminum baking pan.

Preheat oven to 250

In medium sauce pan mix:
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup dark corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Bring to a boil over medium heat stirring constantly. Keep stirring at a boil for 5 minutes.

Pour over popcorn and try to mix and coat as much as possible.

Bake for 1 hour stirring/mixing every fifteen minutes. It's hard to get all the popcorn coated due to caramel sinking to bottom of pan.

Appreciation

I just want to thank everyone for their comments. I really don't enjoy political debates and never feel that I adequately explain what's in my head about these issues.

Maybe we've just lived blessed lives so far, but Nerdstar and I have been together over ten years, lived in four states, had countless jobs - including her and the military, traveled all over the country. At every job I've had I've been out, she mostly has been, too. (When you hang out with co-workers outside of work, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she and I are a couple.)

We've never had anything negative happen to us because we're gay. My Southern Baptist family loves Nerdstar to death. Her Chinese family mostly prefers to not think about me, although her sister is finally cool with it all.

I could be on her insurance and choose not to be - well, I did get on her dental plan. We are both on the title/deed to this house with survivorship rights. Not having dependents is the biggest factor in her paying high taxes (I don't make enough to worry about my taxes) now that we have a house to get those deductions.

Would we have better protections under the law with gay marriage - yes. Would I love to see gay marriage pass in all 50 states - yes. But it's just not as important to me as other political issues right now.

If/when the day ever comes we have a child - however that happens. My political priorities might change. And thank God that for the time being if they do change I can move to a state where we'd have better rights as gay parents. Although in most of them we'd be a lot poorer due to higher taxes.

In the meantime, I simply cannot express how honestly worried I am about the overall direction the current administration in DC is trying to take this country. I know very few of you share that concern - and because of that it's kinda hard to discuss these issues. But if you believe that a government that wants to control every aspect of your life through either Cap and Trade or nationalized health care will do anything to advance gay rights - well, I think you might be more naive than me. Gays always talk about getting republicans out of their bedrooms. Well, I'd much rather get Dems out of my wallet, my fridge, my doctor's office, my car company, my bank, and on and on.

Debate

In the comments in my past three posts or so, we're kind of having a friendly debate about which political party is better for gay rights and personal freedom. Read those comments because I don't want to write all of that again.

What I want to do in this post is just put up some links I read in the past twenty minutes of web surfing that illustrate why I'm so opposed to the current Dems and their seeming attempts to regulate every part of this country and our lives.

Outlawing TVs in California.

The effects of the government takeover of parts of the auto industry: here.

The effects of the government taking over parts of the banking industry: one and two

How about the administration's use of the television networks after the NEA and White House were already exposed for trying something similar.

This is just from this morning. And it doesn't start to address all the things the nanny state will want to impose on us if health care is passed in the efforts to make us all "healthy".

So, does it suck that we can't currently be foster parents? Yes. And it's wrong. But if any of what the Dems currently want to do happens - that stuff will suck so much more. And I believe it'll be much harder to undo than laws prohibiting gay equality.

UPDATE:

Sometimes my comments get wonky on my website - I have no idea why it denies people sometimes.

Here is an email from someone whose comment didn't go through:

sageweb wrote:

Here is what I tried to post:
I know I won't change your mind, (I am not trying too) but the articles you linked are preposterous. I live in California, and I have close friends that work for Panasonic, designing and engineering TV's that are more energy efficient. We do still build a few things here. That wasn't the point of the article but when it starts with a blatant lie, it is hard to swallow the author knows what they are talking about. Also the admin take over of TV networks is hilarious. Go to some other countries and see what tv is like when the government is in control... Nothing like that will ever happen in this country. So articles aside, I realize there are some great values and ideas on the conservative side, that said.... please look into the voting records of these politicians on gay rights. Set all other things aside. You need a politician that will help you NOW! Help you with your quest to foster a child who needs a home. There is plenty of time to change the other things in the country.

No Real Updates Yet

I heard back from the state's attorney general office - they apparently can't even tell me what the current law is because they only work on behalf of the state, not it's citizens per se. Fine.

No word back from either of my state general assembly reps yet.

What it does really bring home for me is the importance of legalizing gay marriage. It would solve the issues of adoption/foster parenting/inheritance etc. Now, maybe in a state like Virginia it would be easier to tackle issues one by one instead of trying for gay marriage and failing. I don't know.

But I'm not going to blame this completely on republicans. Not every republican/conservative state prohibits gay adoption/foster parents, from what I can tell not all democrat/liberal states allow it. (I've found it hard to find concrete information on exact state laws.)

I do think that it might actually be easier over time to win republicans over because they believe in limited government and personal liberty. Why democrats who say they support gay rights etc. sit on their hands and don't actually do anything - well, I'm not sure what it would take to get them to actually act.

I don't know. I don't know where this will lead. I don't even know that it's something I want to pursue. The process to get laws changed is long and convoluted.

I just know that I want to expand our family. I'm still trying to get Nerdstar knocked up. If those efforts ultimately fail, it would have been really cool to help out kids in need by being foster parents.

UPDATE:

Another comment that wouldn't go through... this one from Pixieflute:

To add to what Trop said, if Nerdstar does become pregnant, don't count on even being able to take the child to the doctor, or authorize medical treatment in case of an emergency. It is my understanding that in the eyes of your state, since you don't have second parent adoptions, you are a stranger to the child, and have zero rights. If something horrible happened to her, the child may be taken away by Nerdstar's blood relatives, or even by the state.

My reply:
I would just say that just because I don't have second parent adoption rights, I don't believe that leaves me completely without protections. Hell, I can take a friend's child to the doctor and authorize medical treatment with a letter from the parent.

I appreciate people's concerns, and maybe I'm being too naive, but I am not worried about any of it at this point in time. And, IF life were to be so completely impossible in the state of VA - well, we are free to move.

My Email

I just sent this to the state attorney general and the one general assembly state rep who's email worked:

Hello,

I will keep this as brief as I can. A little background... my girlfriend and I have been together over 10 years. We've lived in VA for over two years now, and back in May purchased a single family home in Woodbridge. She works as a linguist/intelligence contractor. I work as a phlebotomist for an oncology group. We have a dog and two cats. We have a fantastic back yard. If we were to become foster parents, I would be able to stay at home with the kids.

Tuesday, I contacted the Prince William agency that handles the foster parent program by email and today was told that in VA "cohabitation" is illegal and therefore we are prohibited from being foster parents.

I will not at this time write a rant about all the unfairness and discrimination of that law. I simply want to know who I contact about starting the process to getting that law changed.

Sincerely,
Beth Mauldin - homeowner, voter, lesbian, conservative

Very Disappointing

For years Nerdstar and I have contemplated being foster parents. At this time we're in a perfect place in life to do just that. We've got a nice house with three spare bedrooms and a bathroom right next to them. We've got a great yard, a dog that loves kids. I don't have to work, and would be able to stay home if that's what the kid needed.

So I contacted the county office that handles the foster program and was told that it's illegal in VA for gay people to be foster parents.

It's so sad.

I had heard recently that single parents can adopt children in VA, but if they have a gay partner - their partner can't also adopt the child. When I remembered that I pretty much knew the same sort of thing would apply to foster parents, since it's pretty much the same program.

I'm not going to turn this into a political rant. Or a rant at all.

It's just sad.

I can almost, sorta, kinda understand the idea that these are kids who are going through really hard times. And that, no, gay couples aren't the norm or mainstream. And do kids going through really hard times need a little added whatever regarding not being in a mainstream home? I don't know. But to have a law that says there are absolutely no gay couples out there who are qualified to be adoptive or foster parents is bullshit. (oppps - tiny rant.)

So. I guess my next email should be to my state reps getting them to explain what the law is exactly and who can get it changed.

UPDATE: Ok, spoke with the county lady again and found out something important - the actual cohabitation law applies to gays and straights. So you can be single, but you can't live with someone: gay or straight. Apparently it's an old law. I'd say it's time for foster parent and adoption laws in VA to be updated!

I understand not wanting kids from crazy ass homes to be put in a position where the foster parent has some weird live in boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I know these kids need stability. But I'm sure it's also handy to use this old law to discriminate against gay couples.

I'm not finding a lot of info on Google about this issue in VA specifically - so I still think it's good to email the people I did. I'd say it's time VA laws were updated. I did read one attempt at updating those laws was against gay adoption - at least that didn't happen.

This Time It's After Death

I tried to see if I'd blogged about this before, but it seems I've neglected to.

Again, a few years ago during one of our trips to my parents' house for Thanksgiving, Nerdstar, my Mom and I were sitting around talking and got to talking about all the pets and when they die. There are several of my childhood pets buried in my parents' back yard - they've been in the same house over 35 years. Because we didn't own a house or back yard at the time, Nerdstar and I got to talking about how we'd probably just cremate the pets and keep them in little urns.

Nerdstar then comes up with this idea of having little "shrines" for the pets with their urns and pictures and such. I laughed and explained that while we might only have three pets now, over the course of our lives we'd probably have many more, and while three "shrines" might not be crazy, any more than that probably would. You should have seen the sad look on her face!

So we kept talking and out of nowhere Nerdstar says, "You're going to cremate me tomorrow?" I just looked at her and deadpanned "Yes. I'm going to kill you and have you cremated tomorrow. What the hell??"

We've joked about that a lot. But again, with her having had three family members die in three years, the topic of death and funerals and such comes up kinda often. It's finally evolved to where I've told her that I'm just going to get one great big urn for her AND all the pets. She loves the pets so much, she won't mind sharing one with them. And it'll be cheaper and easier for me.

(The funny thing is I'm older and more out of shape - there's no way I outlive her!)

Ongoing Jokes

Sometime early in our relationship we were having difficulties and Nerdstar told me: "If you ever want me to leave, will you just give me two weeks notice." So we joked for years about that.

Sometime in the past couple of years we started joking about me just killing her in her sleep, probably by putting her pillow over her face. (It's not as horrible as it sounds!)

One night in the past few months, due to deaths in the family being on her mind, she said she didn't want to die naked. Since we sleep naked that would put a dent in any plans to kill her while she sleeps. So I said, well, I guess if I ever suggest you wear some pajamas to bed you'll know it's not a good thing.

These days I just ask her if I should buy some pajamas when she's being evil.

UPDATE: Looking for something else, I found this in the archives. See, we have been joking about it for a while.

VA State Fair

Here's a couple of pics from yesterday.

We had a nice time walking around the fair yesterday. The weather was so beautiful. We looked at all the arts and crafts, that was kinda neat. Then we went and looked at a bunch of the animals.

Of course, for Nerdstar it's all about the food. She had a candy apple. Then we found this bbq place that was really good. She had the biggest turkey leg I've seen. I had a brisket sandwich that was one of the best ever. Of course, it helps to be eating outdoors, since everything tastes better outside and after walking for a couple of hours. We tasted a few kinds of honey and bought some local clover honey - which means I'll have to make some good biscuits to put it on! Then before leaving we shared a funnel cake, because that's required of any trip to any type of fair.

Of course, going reminded me of all the times in high school our marching band went to the Texas State Fair and competed in whatever competition that was. Now, I haven't been to the Texas State Fair since then, but I'm pretty sure it's the biggest in the country. Man, we had fun back then.

But still, it's good to be out and about among the locals. Anytime we are in any size crowd I sing "who are the people in your neighborhood." Heh.