Beth's Contradictory Brain

Good Wife and Mom

Reading Sarah's post made me decide to write this.

Nerdstar and I were talking about "life" the other night at 3 a.m. and I said I felt like I hadn't accomplished a damn thing in the past ten years. Then, I thought to myself - well, other than be a good wife. And then she said, well, you've taken good care of me.

With the Army and Iraq and the moves and civilian jobs... it hasn't been easy. Even now we can't predict where her career will take us next. Although, it's looking like she might finally be getting out of the Army in the next few months.

And now - with Pinhead on the way, I finally get to do the one job I've been waiting over eight years to do - be a mom. I can't wait. And I think I'm going to be really good at it. And other than Nerdstar and my Mom, I don't think anybody really knows or understands this.

Titles?

I've been reading this other Beth for years. I've loved reading about her and her little girl. Today she writes about titles and grocery stores. Please, go read it!

In our ten years, there has been a lot of time that Nerdstar's been working a lot more than I have. We've been in one of those times for most of this year. So, I guess that makes me a homemaker/housewife. Sometimes it feels weird being a housewife to another woman, like we should be more equal or something. And sometimes it feels weird because there's no kid to stay home and take care of. (Thank God that's changing!) I'm getting better at being a housewife. Better at grocery shopping, better at house cleaning. (Trust me, better is relative!) I've always been the accountant/bill payer. Mostly, I've always been the "spare brain"!

I also love the other Beth's observations on how different grocery shopping is weekdays vs weekends. Even back in my pre-Nerdstar days when I was waiting tables, I knew that having a day off in the middle of the week was ideal for getting things done.

One thing she doesn't mention is the "old people" time of day. I can go to the same Wally World at 9 am and it's full of old people, go there at 2 pm and it's not.

I've been thinking these past few months about being in practice at being patient when out running errands for when I'll finally have a little one in tow. And she's right, I would never have thought about where DO you put the bread/squishable stuff when there's a kid in the cart?

Appreciation

I just want to thank everyone for their comments. I really don't enjoy political debates and never feel that I adequately explain what's in my head about these issues.

Maybe we've just lived blessed lives so far, but Nerdstar and I have been together over ten years, lived in four states, had countless jobs - including her and the military, traveled all over the country. At every job I've had I've been out, she mostly has been, too. (When you hang out with co-workers outside of work, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she and I are a couple.)

We've never had anything negative happen to us because we're gay. My Southern Baptist family loves Nerdstar to death. Her Chinese family mostly prefers to not think about me, although her sister is finally cool with it all.

I could be on her insurance and choose not to be - well, I did get on her dental plan. We are both on the title/deed to this house with survivorship rights. Not having dependents is the biggest factor in her paying high taxes (I don't make enough to worry about my taxes) now that we have a house to get those deductions.

Would we have better protections under the law with gay marriage - yes. Would I love to see gay marriage pass in all 50 states - yes. But it's just not as important to me as other political issues right now.

If/when the day ever comes we have a child - however that happens. My political priorities might change. And thank God that for the time being if they do change I can move to a state where we'd have better rights as gay parents. Although in most of them we'd be a lot poorer due to higher taxes.

In the meantime, I simply cannot express how honestly worried I am about the overall direction the current administration in DC is trying to take this country. I know very few of you share that concern - and because of that it's kinda hard to discuss these issues. But if you believe that a government that wants to control every aspect of your life through either Cap and Trade or nationalized health care will do anything to advance gay rights - well, I think you might be more naive than me. Gays always talk about getting republicans out of their bedrooms. Well, I'd much rather get Dems out of my wallet, my fridge, my doctor's office, my car company, my bank, and on and on.

Debate

In the comments in my past three posts or so, we're kind of having a friendly debate about which political party is better for gay rights and personal freedom. Read those comments because I don't want to write all of that again.

What I want to do in this post is just put up some links I read in the past twenty minutes of web surfing that illustrate why I'm so opposed to the current Dems and their seeming attempts to regulate every part of this country and our lives.

Outlawing TVs in California.

The effects of the government takeover of parts of the auto industry: here.

The effects of the government taking over parts of the banking industry: one and two

How about the administration's use of the television networks after the NEA and White House were already exposed for trying something similar.

This is just from this morning. And it doesn't start to address all the things the nanny state will want to impose on us if health care is passed in the efforts to make us all "healthy".

So, does it suck that we can't currently be foster parents? Yes. And it's wrong. But if any of what the Dems currently want to do happens - that stuff will suck so much more. And I believe it'll be much harder to undo than laws prohibiting gay equality.

UPDATE:

Sometimes my comments get wonky on my website - I have no idea why it denies people sometimes.

Here is an email from someone whose comment didn't go through:

sageweb wrote:

Here is what I tried to post:
I know I won't change your mind, (I am not trying too) but the articles you linked are preposterous. I live in California, and I have close friends that work for Panasonic, designing and engineering TV's that are more energy efficient. We do still build a few things here. That wasn't the point of the article but when it starts with a blatant lie, it is hard to swallow the author knows what they are talking about. Also the admin take over of TV networks is hilarious. Go to some other countries and see what tv is like when the government is in control... Nothing like that will ever happen in this country. So articles aside, I realize there are some great values and ideas on the conservative side, that said.... please look into the voting records of these politicians on gay rights. Set all other things aside. You need a politician that will help you NOW! Help you with your quest to foster a child who needs a home. There is plenty of time to change the other things in the country.

No Real Updates Yet

I heard back from the state's attorney general office - they apparently can't even tell me what the current law is because they only work on behalf of the state, not it's citizens per se. Fine.

No word back from either of my state general assembly reps yet.

What it does really bring home for me is the importance of legalizing gay marriage. It would solve the issues of adoption/foster parenting/inheritance etc. Now, maybe in a state like Virginia it would be easier to tackle issues one by one instead of trying for gay marriage and failing. I don't know.

But I'm not going to blame this completely on republicans. Not every republican/conservative state prohibits gay adoption/foster parents, from what I can tell not all democrat/liberal states allow it. (I've found it hard to find concrete information on exact state laws.)

I do think that it might actually be easier over time to win republicans over because they believe in limited government and personal liberty. Why democrats who say they support gay rights etc. sit on their hands and don't actually do anything - well, I'm not sure what it would take to get them to actually act.

I don't know. I don't know where this will lead. I don't even know that it's something I want to pursue. The process to get laws changed is long and convoluted.

I just know that I want to expand our family. I'm still trying to get Nerdstar knocked up. If those efforts ultimately fail, it would have been really cool to help out kids in need by being foster parents.

UPDATE:

Another comment that wouldn't go through... this one from Pixieflute:

To add to what Trop said, if Nerdstar does become pregnant, don't count on even being able to take the child to the doctor, or authorize medical treatment in case of an emergency. It is my understanding that in the eyes of your state, since you don't have second parent adoptions, you are a stranger to the child, and have zero rights. If something horrible happened to her, the child may be taken away by Nerdstar's blood relatives, or even by the state.

My reply:
I would just say that just because I don't have second parent adoption rights, I don't believe that leaves me completely without protections. Hell, I can take a friend's child to the doctor and authorize medical treatment with a letter from the parent.

I appreciate people's concerns, and maybe I'm being too naive, but I am not worried about any of it at this point in time. And, IF life were to be so completely impossible in the state of VA - well, we are free to move.

My Email

I just sent this to the state attorney general and the one general assembly state rep who's email worked:

Hello,

I will keep this as brief as I can. A little background... my girlfriend and I have been together over 10 years. We've lived in VA for over two years now, and back in May purchased a single family home in Woodbridge. She works as a linguist/intelligence contractor. I work as a phlebotomist for an oncology group. We have a dog and two cats. We have a fantastic back yard. If we were to become foster parents, I would be able to stay at home with the kids.

Tuesday, I contacted the Prince William agency that handles the foster parent program by email and today was told that in VA "cohabitation" is illegal and therefore we are prohibited from being foster parents.

I will not at this time write a rant about all the unfairness and discrimination of that law. I simply want to know who I contact about starting the process to getting that law changed.

Sincerely,
Beth Mauldin - homeowner, voter, lesbian, conservative

Very Disappointing

For years Nerdstar and I have contemplated being foster parents. At this time we're in a perfect place in life to do just that. We've got a nice house with three spare bedrooms and a bathroom right next to them. We've got a great yard, a dog that loves kids. I don't have to work, and would be able to stay home if that's what the kid needed.

So I contacted the county office that handles the foster program and was told that it's illegal in VA for gay people to be foster parents.

It's so sad.

I had heard recently that single parents can adopt children in VA, but if they have a gay partner - their partner can't also adopt the child. When I remembered that I pretty much knew the same sort of thing would apply to foster parents, since it's pretty much the same program.

I'm not going to turn this into a political rant. Or a rant at all.

It's just sad.

I can almost, sorta, kinda understand the idea that these are kids who are going through really hard times. And that, no, gay couples aren't the norm or mainstream. And do kids going through really hard times need a little added whatever regarding not being in a mainstream home? I don't know. But to have a law that says there are absolutely no gay couples out there who are qualified to be adoptive or foster parents is bullshit. (oppps - tiny rant.)

So. I guess my next email should be to my state reps getting them to explain what the law is exactly and who can get it changed.

UPDATE: Ok, spoke with the county lady again and found out something important - the actual cohabitation law applies to gays and straights. So you can be single, but you can't live with someone: gay or straight. Apparently it's an old law. I'd say it's time for foster parent and adoption laws in VA to be updated!

I understand not wanting kids from crazy ass homes to be put in a position where the foster parent has some weird live in boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. I know these kids need stability. But I'm sure it's also handy to use this old law to discriminate against gay couples.

I'm not finding a lot of info on Google about this issue in VA specifically - so I still think it's good to email the people I did. I'd say it's time VA laws were updated. I did read one attempt at updating those laws was against gay adoption - at least that didn't happen.

Hope Deferred

President-elect Barack Obama will not move for months, and perhaps not until 2010, to ask Congress to end the military's decades-old ban on open homosexuals in the ranks, two people who have advised the Obama transition team on this issue say.

I imagine if Obama makes this change cleanly at any time in his term, he'll be fondly remembered. Still, his apparent unwillingness to be bold on something he considers a matter of both justice and wise policy--and that he has clear political support on--should be disconcerting to his fans.

Gay Car Stickers

Heh. I see mostly suburbans and minivans with these stickers that show family members and pets. So, I decided to get a set with stickers for me and Nerdstar (not that they have Asian people...) and 1 dog and 2 cats. I did it partly because I think it's cute - and partly because it'll piss off the people who normally have these stickers.

Also - note to self. Next time clean the bathroom AFTER bathing the dog in it, not before.

I think this is good news.

There's a very interesting case going on in Oklahoma concerning adoptions by gay couples.

More on that Tenth Circuit adoption decision:

Thus, on its face, the statute requires the state to recognize foreign adoptions by unmarried opposite-sex couples, even though such a couple could not adopt in Oklahoma itself. But foreign adoptions by unmarried – or married – same-sex couples are not recognized.

Go read the whole thing.

Bad Assumptions

We get a lot of "repeat customers" at our lab. So there are many times a day I explain that I'm new to the area, and that I'm from Texas. I can't tell you how many people love Austin other than Nerdstar and I.

Which, again, is not the point of this post.

Yesterday I had a gentleman ask where I was from, so I told him, then asked where he was from, etc.

Then he asked, "So, is there a Mr. Beth or did you move here alone?"

I didn't know how to answer at first... so I finally just said "Neither" and left it at that.

He was just working from some bad assumptions.

Lesbian = Fat?

This is an interesting, short, news article.

"Lesbians are twice as likely as heterosexual women to be overweight or obese, which puts them at greater risk for obesity-related health problems and death, U.S. researchers said."

AND

"The results of these studies indicate that lesbian women have a better body image than do heterosexual women," they wrote.

Maybe straight women are just too skinny!

What sucks about this article though is the lack of any real info about diet, exercise, self image or anything else. And I didn't see a link to the actual research.

Any thoughts?

Two good reads

I don't even know how to summarize this post over on the Volokh Conspiracy. It deals with gay rights, religious accomodation under the law, and civil rights. Just go read it.

Then read this one: "Is there Enough Libertarian and Conservative Support for Gay Rights for it to Matter?"

Pride

Joe has a fantastic post about Gay Pride.

Because even if Pride doesn't change many minds in the outside world, it's our PARTY, darlings. It's our Christmas, our New Year's, our Carnival. It's the one day of the year that all the crazy contingents of the gay world actually come face to face on the street. And blow each other air kisses. And wish each other "Happy Pride!". Saying "Happy Pride!" is really just a shorter, easier way of saying "Congratulations on not being driven completely batshit insane! Way to go for not taking a rifle into a tower and taking out half the town! Well done, being YOURSELF!"

All you suburban, lawn mowing, corpo-droid homos out there, hiding behind your picket fences, the ones wringing your hands and worrying that Pride ruins YOUR personal rep, listen up. Do you think that straight Americans worry that Mardi Gras damages international perception of American culture? America, land of the free, home of "Show Us Your Tits!"? They don't, and neither should we. Our Pride celebrations are just our own unique version of Mardi Gras, only instead of throwing beads, we throw shade. No one has to ask US to show our tits. We've already got 'em out there, baby. And some of them are real.

That's just part of it, go read the whole thing.

Nerdstar and I went to Pride weekend events in Austin a long, long time ago when she was new to this whole gay thing. Austin in the summer is just too hot to wander around all the tents and booths feeling like it was all just one big commercial - although for what I'm not sure. And not being a liberal democrat just made it all the more of a time waster.

That said, he has some great points about all of it.

Interesting

I'm not sure where I'd come down on this argument - not that it's really an argument. Not to mention, are there different arguments to be made for gays vs. lesbians?

I've never really considered any of the more well known gay people to be a role model for me. No, not Rosey, not Ellen, not Melissa. But, I am aware that there are people who do consider them to be role models.

As for the more "radical" gays in the history of gays, I think there were some very, very brave perverts (used in the best possible way) that did a lot for the gay community. But in the past twenty years or so, I'm not sure that the agenda of the supposed gay leadership has really been that affective. The same might could be said of the Log Cabin Republicans.

I still mostly think that it's your run of the mill gays and lesbians, living their lives "out" in the midst of the "straight world" that makes the biggest difference in how gays are perceived.

A three-fer

I guess I haven't written about being gay here in the midwest, and concerning Nerdstar's job in particular.

As for being gay in the midwest, it's no big deal. Yes, the people here are the straightest I've ever been around. (That's a different post for a different day.) But, for the most part I don't really care what they think if I happen to hold Nerdstar's hand walking through a store or the casino. And 99% of the time I'm not worried about one of them pulling out a gun or deciding to harrass us or beat us up.

What's been a little more tricky is Nerdstar's coworkers. Although she is on active duty and working with military people, there are a lot civilians at her job as well, including the boss men. So it's not your typical active duty life.

Nerdstar is better than I at keeping her private life private. While I didn't come blazing out of the closet at my last job, I kept it to the Nerdstar is my roommate line, and had pics of the pets and Zach and Nerdstar in my cubicle. I'll never lie if asked, I won't hide my life, but I am better at understanding work is work and not everyone needs to know everything about me.

Where it gets hard and is when you actually become friends with a co-worker. I'm not sure Nerdstar thought it all through when one of her co-workers started organizing dinners and hanging out and such. At that point, you have two choices if you're in a gay relationship and can't be completely out. You go and hang out or whatever as if you're any other single person, leaving your g/f at home. Or you avoid all outside work social stuff. Neither is any fun. Well, ok the third option is the "roommate" option.

The problem with that one is that most people aren't blind or stupid. And when you've been together as long as Nerdstar and I have been, and when we both moved up here at about the same time, and so on... well, any conversation that's not about the weather and current events leads to questions that reveal your life.

Another problem is that it just becomes the elephant in the room between you and the people you actually become friends with. You don't know for certain they know, but they don't feel like they can ask, and it's a stupid dance.

Would this be an issue of Nerdstar wasn't on active duty? Not to the extent that it is. Sure, even a non-military job can fire you, but it's much harder.

The hardest part of the whole thing is the constant feeling that our seven year relationship is someone less valid, less real, less important because it has to remain unacknowledged.

As always I feel I'm just rambling. Hopefully Nerdstar will write her thoughts about this soon.

More

More fun debates, this time about gay students and schools informing the parents instead of the child informing the parents of said gayness. Mostly by people who have no idea how hard it is to come out to anyone, much less your parents.

I'm pretty sure it's much easier to be out at school than at home, although being out at school can be a nightmare. But as painful as rejection by some peers may be (and these days there will probably be at least a few supportive peers) I don't think there's anything more painful than being rejected by your parents for being gay.

I was out in high school because I just wasn't smart enough, savy enough, to hide that I was falling in love with one of my girl friends. Did my parents figure it out, yeah, did we ever talk about it - hell no. Back in '86 my parents were great at don't ask don't tell.

As for what school administrators should do - beats me.

Just don't make the mistake of thinking that parents should somehow magically know their kid is gay. Or that every gay kid who has the courage to tell a friend or two has the courage to tell their family.

update: they're talking about it at GayOrbit as well.

A good read

Kat writes a decent post about gays in the military. And there are some good comments as well. I haven't read the stuff over at Blackfive yet, and might or might not later.

I'm not really in the mood to write about the topic today. I guess it's both amusing and tiresome to read straight people debating the topic.

If you're new to this blog, maybe reading the military wife category will catch you up.

Maybe later today I'll write a new one on all the joys of having to mostly be in the closet with Nerdstar's current job.

Interesting

Nerdstar sent me this...

University in Shanghai to offer China's first course in homosexual studies:

A university in Shanghai is offering China's first class on homosexuality and gay culture, and several hundred students have
applied for the 100 openings, a professor in charge of the course said on Tuesday.

Professor Sun Zhongxin, one of the course's instructors at prestigious Fudan University, said its introduction resulted from strong interest among undergraduates.

"I used to teach Gender Study for undergraduates and found they were very interested in the topic of homosexuality," Professor Sun said.

The class is full but "more students are still applying," Professor Sun said.

The course aims to break down widespread ignorance and prejudice against gays in China, another instructor, Gao Yanning, was quoted as saying by the Shanghai Daily newspaper.

"We will pay more attention on how to have a proper view about homosexuals," Gao was quoted as saying by the paper. "We will give students an equitable judgment on homosexuals and help eliminate students' discrimination."

A secretary at Fudan's sociology department said Gao could not immediately be reached for comment.

Gays were strongly persecuted after China's 1949 communist evolution, condemned as products of decadent Western and feudal societies. Puritanical official attitudes have gradually changed since the late 1980s, and in 2001, the China Psychiatric Association ceased listing homosexuality as a mental illness.

Looser enforcement of laws on homosexual behaviour has allowed small but thriving gay scenes to emerge in Shanghai, Beijing and other cities in the developed east.

Yet, given the disdain shown to homosexuality by traditional confucian culture, gay men and women in China still tend to hide their sexual orientation.

Being not Choosing

Nerdstar got to come home for lunch this afternoon, always nice! While we were driving to the restaurant, I had Rush on the radio. (Yes, I listen to Rush and lots of other talk radio, mostly folks on the right, the left makes me too frustrated.) I caught maybe sixty seconds or so of his comments on Roberts doing legal work in defense of gays. Roberts isn't what I want to talk about.

Rush mentioned giving special rights for a certain behavior. (I don't have the direct quote, which would probably be more clear.)

But I got it. I got a better glimpse into why it's so hard for gays to get equal rights, marriage rights, etc. As long as the majority of people believe being gay is simply a matter of choosing certain behaviors, and not a matter of being, well, we're facing a huge uphill battle.

Bleh. It kind of ties into my thoughts lately on how tired I get of being different. I don't want to be different. (I'm not saying I don't want to be gay.) I don't want people to assume I'm straight. (Maxine's comments to a co-worker brought a huge smile to my face!) I don't want them to think I'm weird if I'm not. I don't want my relationship with Nerdstar to be treated any differently or viewed as any less legitimate than any straight one.

Just to tie on one more controversial topic. I find it fascinating that evolution has been granted valid science status, but being born gay hasn't.

How to not be out?

I had another job interview today. I think it went well. It's a family owned business that's been in operation over 50 years. The dress code was definitely casual. I don't know what the pay would be yet, the boss man is still figuring out the exact project and stuff I think. The only problem I see is that it's just about an hour commute each way. And that's not twenty miles taking fifty minutes because of red lights. It's at least forty miles of almost all highway taking that long. I'm not sure what my price would be for two hours on the highway every day. So we'll see what happens next.

But here's what I'm really writing about. For the life of me I have yet to figure out how to not "out" myself in job interviews and such without either outright lying or being evasive to the point of weird. It's not that I mind being out. I always have been. But there's a timing to getting to know someone and "coming out" to them. A job interview isn't exactly ideal to me.

So... how do I answer "How did you end up in Platte City?" "Um, the military. Not that I'm in the military, but my girlfriend is." "Why did you quit your last job and why haven't you worked since then?" "Well, they were being assholes and I was stressed out about my girlfriend being sent to Iraq. I was too worried to look for a serious job and it was likely we'd be moving once she came home anyway?" Yeah, that's the answers I can use - HA!

It's not like the questions people ask are unreasonable, or even out of the ordinary. I'd ask someone who'd just moved here the same sorts of questions. It's just that all of the reasons I've done what I've done for the past couple of years pretty much involve my life with Nerdstar, and I don't know how to give any other answers without lying.

Even when I do try to give sort of vague answers, well, the lies just become implied information. You know, leaving out gender and pronouns and using the word "spouse". Besides, how can I have a spouse when I've marked Single on all of the paperwork? It's all so awkward. Not to mention once you start down that road, it's almost impossible to get off it.

Yet I'm just not comfortable enough here in the midwest to just be open and honest.

Wonderings

Something I've found curious since we've moved up here: In the all the years Nerdstar and I went out to eat in Austin, and that was a lot, we were never asked if we wanted separate checks. Up here, we're asked nine times out of ten.

I'm not sure what to make of that. I've had thoughts on the "presumption of straight". It's not made in Austin, but we find it's made here. But I'm aware there could be other, simpler, explanations for the difference.

Heh

What did one lesbian frog say to the other? "Hey, we really do taste like chicken."

ha ha ha

I heard that on tv somewhere in the past few days, don't remember where.

Gay TV

Ace posted an email from Matt of Q Television Network and her thoughts on the gay networks.

I watch just about any gay movies or tv shows that I run across, although I've never attended many of the films at the Austin Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I've watched just about every episode of Queer as Folk, and every episode of The L Word. I've never been a big fan of Will and Grace. And as optimistic as I am going into every viewing of gay media, I'm always pretty disappointed. Too many of the movies deal with coming out, whether at a young age or old. While that's nice for people going thru that process, or considering going thru that process, to get some support, but it gets old.

My other complaint is always that the characters are stereotypes at best and charicatures at worst. The ladies on The L Word might represent hollywood lesbians, but I'm pretty sure that's just about all they represent.

So my biggest hope for a broader outlet for gay and lesbian films and such would be that it would lead to a higher standard for material. Although if it's based on networks like Lifetime Real Women or some such crap, I'll be throwing things at my tv instead of just yelling at it.

And can I just say, I'm not a big fan of Ellen. So many people thought she was so brave to come out on television - as if anyone didn't already know. But could her talk show be any more straight? No. What's the point of being a gay role model with a daily talk show if you're straighter than Oprah on your own show?

Life as a military wife continues

Just the existance of this article in the Army Times is heartening. Gays in the military: It’s a question of liberty

As I stated a few times while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I really never thought I'd end up being a military wife. We talked sometimes about her being gay and in the Army, but it just wasn't an issue. We both planned on her being out of the military altogether this coming May. Then this opportunity to do linguist work came thru and is just too good to pass up.

We've talked about how our relationship and her new career choice might intersect. Hell, we try to just imagine life in Kansas as a couple. Maybe we'll both have to be a little less "out." It's hard for me to really know or imagine how life will be up there. Maybe we're both being naive and optimistic, but we don't see any major changes to the way we live our lives. She's not one to really share a lot of life's details with co-workers anyway. Me, well, to know me at all is to know my life story. Neither of us are the type to put up rainbow stickers and be advocates. But we also haven't ever been in a situation where anyone cared that we were a couple.

I'm not being very coherent in this post. It's something I think we're just planning on seeing how it goes. I know a lot of the time that everyone plays don't ask/don't tell, not just the military.

Anyway. One more week of this suck-ass life of being apart.

Feminism, Beauty and Butch

Ann Althouse writes today about the rituals of beauty culture. She's responding to "Laura Kipnis explains the "irreconcilable contradiction between feminism and femininity"
Go read it, it's pretty interesting.

I sent this short email in response:

"I didn't sleep well last night, so these thoughts aren't fully fleshed out.

One thing my girlfriend and I often remark on when we make one of our infrequent outtings to a gay club (no pun intended) is that the more into feminism and lesbianism a certain number of women go, the more masculine their dress and manners become, i.e. butch. I've never really understood that. Why does the more extreme rejection of the heterosexual roles and the patriarchy result in this?"

Any of my lesbian readers care to share their thoughts?

Nice Night Out

We not only got out of the house last night, we got to meet up with Maxine and Elizabeth for dinner and a book reading at Book Woman. It's always nice to meet up with other bloggers and put faces with words! They were a lot of fun to hang out with for the evening.

Nerdstar and I have been more gay than usual lately. Last Friday we went down to Cedar Street in Dallas and hung out at Sue Ellen's and JR's, lesbian and gay clubs on a city block of gay stores and cafes. In one store I decided I wanted to be a gay man because I loved the clothes and shoes on sale for them! Then the book reading last night was at the local woman/lesbian/feminist book store. Even within these places for gays and lesbians, there was space for even more defined subcultures. On Cedar Street there's a nice little shop mainly for gay men into S&M. It was fun to browse and try to figure out what was used how. Then the reading last night was by Susan Stinson, an author who writes novels who's main character is a woman of size.

Say what you want about blue states and red states and all that, I'm always happy to see that there's a place for everyone. No, that place might not be everywhere, although I think even the smallest of towns have more diversity than is perceived.

Gay Cartoons

Gay Cartoons

The lesbian ones were funnier than I thought they'd be!

Found on Queerly Canadian's site.

Gay Radio

I've been a stock holder in both XM and Sirius Satellite Radio for about two years now. I've even got little Zachary investing in Sirius. Nerdstar and I used to have XM in her car, but that car has been sitting in Houston for almost a year now and I just haven't been driving enough to spend the money to put satellite radio in my car.

While seeing how much money I lost in the stock market today, I saw this news article on the gay channel on Sirius celebrating it's 1st year anniversary. I didn't know they had a gay channel. Pretty cool. Although the idea of having to listen to Harvey Fierstein is worse than fingernails on a chalk board.

Every once in a while I hear talk of a gay cable tv channel, but if Queer Eye and Will and Grace are any example of the programming, no thanks.

See, again, this is me being contradictory. While I think it'd be way cool for there gay tv and radio and everything else - diversity is good, I'm not usually a big fan of the content of such things. I don't like Ellen or Melissa or the Indigo Girls or KD or Queer Eye or most episodes of Queer as Folk and I could write a fairly long post on the stereotypes and wrong messages of The L Word.

What separates me from a lot of my conservative side, though, is that I don't think it's the end of American culture that such performers are on the airways! I'm a big advocate of changing the channel or hitting the off button if you don't like such content.

Names

Emmie is talking about new last names and marriage.

Nerdstar and I have talked about this sometimes, usually in the context of having kids. I really hate the whole hyphenated thing, and our last names just don't go together, Mauldin-Tuan, Tuan-Mauldin. Too much of a mouthfull. Until recently I didn't really believe marriage would be an option, so we haven't thrown around the idea of one of us taking the other's last name too much. I think the whole inter-racial aspect makes it more complicated. I certainly don't look like a Beth Tuan :-)

Just to make it all even more complicated, there's no way our kids will look like both of us. Nerdstar can't even decide on the race/ethnicity of the sperm she's going to use. And honestly, I have no idea what we'll do about last names. I think we've agreed that if it's a girl I'll name her, and Nerdstar gets to name him if it's a boy. The poor kids will probably have five names - English and Chinese first and middle names, maybe two last names. UGH!!

Have any of my gay/lesbian readers figured all of this out?

Once More

I keep thinking I'm finally done with the current barrage of posts about gays and straights, then I keep reading something else that needs to be posted and talked about everywhere possible.

This post by Arthur (usually on Light of Reason) I found over on Andrew. He echoes so many of the things I've been trying to say.

I realize, once again, that many people simply do not seem to have any comprehension what it means to grow up as a gay man or lesbian in a culture which is largely hostile to your own sense of self and, in many ways, to your very existence. This is not surprising, or unexpected; it takes some effort to fully understand the experiences of those who are different from you in some fundamental way. For most people, such understanding comes through personal interaction with people belonging to different groups; for some, it comes through reading extensively about it. In either case, though, I don't think people who are not gay can fully understand what it feels like to be gay in this culture. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying. I am certainly not endorsing a version of multiculturalism, or saying that reality changes depending on our personal contexts. And I am not saying that people who are not gay cannot understand what it means to be gay in this culture. But what I said, and what I do believe, is that heterosexuals cannot grasp fully what it feels like to be gay in this culture. And I think that is undeniably true.

So if you're gay, and you're a news junkie like me, you only have one choice: you can either get deeply angry every time you come across this kind of ignorance -- and also experience to some degree, yet again, the wounds that these kinds of views have caused in the course of your life; or you can repress many of those feelings, and try to not let it "get to you." There are dangers whichever way you choose to proceed.

Both Arthur and Andrew write about how things are better for young people today compared to when they were growing up. And I know that's true. But it's just not feeling like things are improved enough.

Yippee

Yeah!! Michelle took the time to write some thoughts on my question to my gay readers. Go! Read! Now!

I wrote in her comments that yeah, probably the best (only?) way for straight people with icky dispositions towards gay people to change is to actually get to know some gay people. I guess that would also mean more gay people being "out" especially those who don't "look gay". If the only gay people who are visible are those who are stereotypical, well, that might not help much. UGH. I do NOT want to be saying that "stereotypical gays" are the reason straight people find us icky. I just know that among people I've known who got to know me thru work or whatever and then found out I was gay, I could sometimes tell they had this "but you're so normal" brain fart going on. And that just that made them redifine "gay".

My family falls into the homophobic category, you know, being Southern Baptist and all. I think for them it came down to that I was more happy and stable the past few years. And then Nerdstar swears she put a spell on them so they'd like her - which they do, a lot. And after four years I'm assuming they get the whole picture, we just sure as hell never talk about it.

I'm not a disgusting freak

I think what's frustrating me these days with the remarks of straight people about gays is partly the tone of self-righteousness they take. As if only gay people do deviant things in our bedrooms or elsewhere. If the so-called "reality" shows about marriage aren't enough to prevent casting that first stone, I don't know what the hell would be!

But I was trying to think of another group of people that has been subjected to this kind of disgust and revulsion. The usual comparison is race, and the civil rights movement and such. I think it's actually much closer to the way people with mental illnesses have been treated throughout history. If I were still in college, that'd make a great paper! The psychiatric community might have declared homosexuality isn't a mental illness, but society at large still has it's doubts about that. The only other comparison I can think of is lepers. Maybe that's a holdover from the 80s, early 90s when AIDS was a bigger scare.

The other frustrating thing is that I'm not reading these things on sites of uninformed, illiterate, religous bigoted sites. But there is a definite underlying disgust factor among straight people regarding gays.

So, for my straight readers - how prevelant is the idea that homosexuality is disgusting among people you know?

And for my gay readers - is there a realistic way to change that perception? (Do you think it's a prevelant idea among people you know?)

Gay Rant

For all of you who aren't home during the day, and forgot to set your vcr's and tivo's to record daytime tv's first lesbian kiss - well, I sucked it up and recorded it and watched it for you! Considering it was on a soap opera, and taking into account that means it'll be cheesy and melodramatic and such, it wasn't bad. At least the one lesbian is sure of herself and her sexuality.

The best lesbian scene on tv to me will always be the high school girls on Once and Again. It was so sweet and touching and honest.

But, what pissed me off about All My Children was this need networks have to put up all these dire warnings about adult content when there's going to be a lesbian (or gay I assume) kiss or plotline. I mean, come on, with all the adultry, murder, and other totally evil plotlines on daytime tv, we really need a special warning that two women are going to be fully clothed in a public place and kiss??

Which leads me to my rant about this current round of public hysteria (on both sides) prompted by Rick Santorum's comments.

I'd be MUCH more impressed with people who feel the need to defend the "institution of marriage" from all us wretched deginerates if the institution of marriage was something worth defending. If the divorce rate was less than 50%, if the rate of adultry wasn't probably even higher. If the rate of child abuse by those wonderful man/woman parents wasn't so damn high. I mean really now, can adding gay marriage and gay parents into this really make it worse?? NO So, get off your damn self righteous high horse and address reality for a minute. I'd also be impressed if these defenders of "the family" would just come clean about their true feelings and fears and prejudices. But if they can't even be honest, well, then there can't be a true public debate on the issues can there?

As Andrew Sullivan and Stanley Kurtz and others have written about, Santorum's remarks are being taken out of context. (Andrew has a fantastic and much more well stated point about all of this!)

But, what Santorum really intends is even more evil than what he's being accused of. In his statement, Santorum gives a number examples, all different, yet all cases in which he claims that the government has some legitimate interest in regulating sexuality. Sen. Santorum is obviously concerned that, if the Supreme Court rules that the state has no right to regulate sexuality in the case of sodomy, a court might someday deny the state the right to regulate even incest. Fine, he's welcome to his opinions. But as an elected representative he's going to be held accountable for those opinions.

Stanley Kurtz's article also goes on to talk about the media's part in this Santorum fiasco - it's definitely worth reading!

I think the next ten or twenty years will bring about real change regarding family and marriage. And I don't believe it will be in the direction people like Santorum want it to go. I think the laws and courts and public policy will have to move toward (and already are) protecting gays and lesbians in their relationships and parenting.