Beth's Contradictory Brain

Soldiers In Iraq

Naturally, once Nerdstar returned home from Iraq over a year ago, I didn't really want to think about the place, or read blogs about it, or anything for a while. We both needed time to recover and move on.

Then I felt a little guilty, there are still so many good soldiers over there, and their families back home dealing with their loved ones being gone.

Doc is on his third tour.

Red's Navy boyfriend is there.

Tim Boggs is on his second tour and writes about a family making a home in a tent right next to his.

And so many more.

I guess I just want to say that my heart goes out to all of them.

Iraq Votes

Early voting has started in Iraq. Iraq the Model has lots and lots of updates.

One Year

Nerdstar wrote an entry about it being a year since she came home from Iraq.

Reading back through our entries from last September is pretty cool.

It's been a year of lots of changes, lots of getting to know each other again and hopefully better.

I'm still so glad you made it home safe and sound!

What he said

Christopher Hitchens.

How can so many people watch this as if they were spectators, handicapping and rating the successes and failures from some imagined position of neutrality? Do they suppose that a defeat in Iraq would be a defeat only for the Bush administration? The United States is awash in human rights groups, feminist organizations, ecological foundations, and committees for the rights of minorities. How come there is not a huge voluntary effort to help and to publicize the efforts to find the hundreds of thousands of "missing" Iraqis, to support Iraqi women's battle against fundamentalists, to assist in the recuperation of the marsh Arab wetlands, and to underwrite the struggle of the Kurds, the largest stateless people in the Middle East? Is Abu Ghraib really the only subject that interests our humanitarians?

Question: Why have several large American cities not already announced that they are going to become sister cities with Baghdad and help raise money and awareness to aid Dr. Tamimi? When I put this question to a number of serious anti-war friends, their answer was to the effect that it's the job of the administration to allocate the money, so that there's little room or need for civic action. I find this difficult to credit: For day after day last month I could not escape the news of the gigantic "Live 8" enterprise, which urged governments to do more along existing lines by way of debt relief and aid for Africa. Isn't there a single drop of solidarity and compassion left over for the people of Iraq, after three decades of tyranny, war, and sanctions and now an assault from the vilest movement on the face of the planet? Unless someone gives me a persuasive reason to think otherwise, my provisional conclusion is that the human rights and charitable "communities" have taken a pass on Iraq for political reasons that are not very creditable. And so we watch with detached curiosity, from dry land, to see whether the Iraqis will sink or swim. For shame.

Iraq and al Qaeda

The Mother of all Connections.

Indeed, more than two years after the Iraqi regime of Saddam Hussein was ousted, there is much we do not know about the relationship between Iraq and al Qaeda. We do know, however, that there was one. We know about this relationship not from Bush administration assertions but from internal Iraqi Intelligence Service (IIS) documents recovered in Iraq after the war--documents that have been authenticated by a U.S. intelligence community long hostile to the very idea that any such relationship exists.

We know from these IIS documents that beginning in 1992 the former Iraqi regime regarded bin Laden as an Iraqi Intelligence asset. We know from IIS documents that the former Iraqi regime provided safe haven and financial support to an Iraqi who has admitted to mixing the chemicals for the 1993 attack on the World Trade Center. We know from IIS documents that Saddam Hussein agreed to Osama bin Laden's request to broadcast anti-Saudi propaganda on Iraqi state-run television. We know from IIS documents that a "trusted confidante" of bin Laden stayed for more than two weeks at a posh Baghdad hotel as the guest of the Iraqi Intelligence Service.

It's a very long and detailed report, but well worth the time. Some of the information has been gathered from Iraqi intelligence documents found since the Iraq War began.

Mosul Attack

I didn't cry today, but when I heard the news this morning about the mortar attacks on the base in Mosul, my heart broke. I can imagine what the families of soldiers in Mosul were feeling and fearing today. How horrible so close to Christmas.

I'm not usually a big fan of CNN, but the stories we saw early this afternoon, and the people they interviewed, seemed to have a pretty good idea of what was and wasn't going on in this situation.

I read some speculation about how the insurgents could have such an accurate hit. I don't think it's anything suprising. That base has been there close to two years, as well as several other bases around the city of Mosul. Mortars are lobbed onto those bases on a very regular basis. Of course something of this size was only a matter of time. The more surprising aspect is that after almost two years the chow hall, a known target, was still a tent and not a much, much more safe facility.

The other topic discussed was that of Iraqi's having access to US military bases over there. I guess because I knew it was a regular event, and not necessarily a big deal, I took it for granted most people knew this. People from Iraq, Turkey, Fiji, the Phillipines, South Africa, from all over the world, work on the bases as cooks, they run laundry services, they sell trinkets, stolen goods, bootleg dvds, food, you name it. Is this safe? Mostly. Nerdstar was extremely grateful to have a stand that sold Turkish food in her last weeks there.

I don't begin to know the ins and outs of the economics of having local contractors for some services as opposed to only using military personnel. Nerdstar thinks it's a political move - helping the locals out economically.

I guess what I'm rambling about is that while today was a heart wrenching tragedy, it's not an unusual event. Unfortunately, in war there is no safe place.

Nerdstar wrote an entry about it all as well.

Surreal

Life felt like it detoured into the Twilight Zone today. Partly due to the weather, partly the odd sleeping hours. Who knows. Just that feeling that life is never going to be "normal" again. Which is silly when it hasn't ever really been all that normal to start with.

It was a year ago that Nerdstar got on a plane to Iraq. I'm so thankful she was able to come home a couple of months early. I think we're both mostly recovered from our different ordeals, but we also know that there's no telling what the long term changes that year brought about in us.

Nerdstar worries more about jobs and money than I do at this point in time. I've been realizing there's some part of me that is totally resisting going back to the 9 to 5 grind. Hopefully even if going back to it is necessary, it won't be for long.

One of the cool things last week helping with the documentary was spending some time working and talking with someone who found his way in life to a place where he works at what he loves for a few days, weeks, or maybe a couple of months on something he enjoys and spends the rest of his time taking life easy.

My brain is too mushy today to really be clear. We'll see what this week brings.

I'm home now!

After almost 3 weeks of worth of out-processing from active duty, and road-trippin', I've finally made it home to Austin! Thankfully, the weather is just perfect, with a touch of cold-front. Aside from all the great places to eat at, I've also got a bad case of seasonal allergy, and the reality of "OMG, now I've got to get a job and get back to work-itis"!
If anyone needs a good Chinese translator, or knows someone who does, please drop me a e-mail and I will respond promptly! Basically, from now, until the end of the year, I'm looking at getting some unemployment insurance, a job here and there, until sometimes next year, thinking about getting back to school, and learn something aside from basketweaving.
Beth has been especially patient with me, I don't think I've quite gotten all of me back from Iraq yet, if you know what I mean. Lately, I am still finding a hard time believing that two of my Iraqi friends have passed. My thoughts have been sort of scattered, partially thinking about the time spent back in Iraq, the future of having a kid or two, wanting to go to school, as well as just wanting not to do anything job-related anymore.
On top of all that, I've got to straighten out a few issues with the army, like, my back pay issue, and also making sure that I'll get out when I am supposed to.
Nevertheless, I am glad to be back, snuggling with the missus, walking the dog, and not having to dodge any more mortars!

Nerdstar

Tragic

We're in Amarillo this morning, got in about midnight last night. This hotel has the most comfortable bed we've slept in this whole trip. We'll be at my parent's house this evening. We're both excited to see Zach and to eat some home cooking.

Nerdstar got a very sad email the other night. One of the contractors back in Iraq let someone in her unit know that the Iraqi translator she worked with and was friends with, and his brother, were murdered. It's just so sad. I think the Iraqi's who risk their lives to work with our military are truly unsung heros. Too many of them are murdered by insurgents. His brother had just stopped working with the soldiers and he was about to quit. Word is now there are very few, if any, Iraqi's willing to translate for the military. I don't blame them. Unfortunately, the military hasn't been able to train many new Arabic linguists and the ones already in service have done their time in Iraq. Just another reason we really have to get the Iraqi National Guard up and running.

Relationships

Well, she's finally done! We're going to hang out in Seattle again this evening wtih her friend from college. Then tomorrow we drive down I-5 to Sacramento to stay with a friend of ours there.

I've been thinking that it would be really cool if I could persuade all of my regular readers to participate in a discussion on relationships, I know most of you are either married or have been together for years.

During all of our months apart, Nerdstar and I both had lots of time to really think about our relationship, if it's the one we want to have, if we're fully committed to it, and how to make it better. For me it was sort of the idea that well, we're apart for a long period of time, if one of us isn't sure and wants out, this is a convenient time for it. Even after five years together, the answers weren't automatic. There were times I had what I think is close to pre-wedding jitters. The wow, is this really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, am I certain there isn't someone better, and life sure is a long time.

Nerdstar says she knew from our first weekend together that I was the one for her. I took a little longer to be sure.

What I'd really love is a cross-blog discussion of making life committed relationships work. One thing Nerdstar and I totally lack is role models for this sort of thing.

You can email me your response if you don't have a blog and I can post it here. If you answer on your blog, let me know and I'll post all the links, and comments are always good. Who knows, maybe we'll start a "carnival of relationships".

The first topic I'm curious about is not so much how you knew your love was "the one", but the idea of pre-wedding jitters - or any panic you had when you realized you were committing yourself to them for the rest of your life. Was it easy or hard to make that commitment, was it easier for one of you than the other, is it easy to keep that commitment?

Don't make me list your names and ask your thoughts :-)

This is so time to get out of the army

Just read this article....

About 800 members of the 98th Army Reserve Division from Rochester, New York will begin a year-long mission in Iraq next month.

"This is a hard war and we, frankly, inside the Army Reserve have been not properly prepared for it,” said Lt. Gen. James Helmly, chief of the U.S. Army Reserve.

Unfortunately, until newer and better leadership comes along, things like this will keep on happening. When I was over in Iraq, we've had cooks who are not cooking, infantry soldiers who are not patrolling or fighting, and the list goes on and on.

I'm not opposed to freeing the Iraqis and making the world safer from terrorists, but I can't help it but to think that we've been approaching this incorrectly.

What do you think?

Weekend

Friday afternoon Nerdstar found out she has to be at Ft. Lewis until probably Thursday. Due to continued incompetence on the part of her chain of command, they're having a hard time getting the gear they had to leave behind in New Jersey to Ft. Lewis. Oh well. This is why I'm up here with her and not waiting back in Austin, we knew she could have to spend a week or two up here.

She did get the weekend off, so that's good. Yesterday we finally went into Seattle. The weather has been great. We went to Toys In Babeland, but I'm not telling what we bought! Then we met up with a friend of hers from college for lunch. We found this ultra hip barber shop and both got haircuts. My hair was way too cool for me for the rest of the day! We walked around the Capital Hill area for a while then drove over to West Seattle to this little chinese place for dinner that her friend had recommended. It was good.

Today we're driving down to Portland to indulge Nerdstar's fetish for bath products by going to Lush.

I'm baaaaack!

I am finally back from Iraq, it took a few days between Kuwait, then Germany, Canada, Maine, New Jersey (our luggage is still there), Illinois, and finally, Washington!

I was/am so glad to see Beth and Ramen! Looking forward to making up for all the missed conversations, sex, walks, and everything else! It has so far been a kind of grueling week of outprocessing, with leaders who don't necessarily know what they are doing. It's a relief to go back to the hotel room and not the barracks when the day is through!

Beth is so wonderful, she showered me with lots of hugs, snuggles, and ..... well, you know! This past year and a half has been hard on her and I've got lots of making up to do, and lots of stuff to work out , but I am confident that things will hopefully all come together in time.

I am so looking forward to this roadtrip home! Seeing the rest of our pets, and seeing my families again! I will write more after this whole army business is over! I've got some snuggling to do!

Nerdstar

Magic Blanket

It's so nice to finally sleep thru the night again. Not only is Nerdstar my snuggle bunny, she's obviously my magic blanket as well.

We're just hanging out this week. She's spending all day at Ft. Lewis trying to get things done. It's still stunning to me just how hard it is to get anything done in the military. I'm still trying to get her to write about it. Ramen and I are idling away the time at the hotel and taking short walks at a nearby community college. The last two days had lots of sunshine, but today it's finally overcast and a little rainy, but the rest of the week is supposed to be sunny.

Still not sure how long before she's cleared from Ft. Lewis - hopefully this weekend, but no way to know just yet. Then we have to decide on a route to Vegas!

That's about it from here.

Finally!

I pulled into Olympia, WA about 4:30 yesterday. Nerdstar's flight got to the Seattle airport a few hours earlier. Her and her unit had to get all of their gear from the airport to the base, so it was a good thing she was earlier than me. I got all settled into the hotel and she finally called from base and was free for the evening. The Army gets her during the day while we're up here. They still have lots of paperwork, briefings, and turning in of equipment (some of which is still enroute) to do this week. Hopefully it won't take longer than a week, but you never know.

I got stuck at the front gate of the base because I didn't have the piece of paper for the car registration, but she walked from the barracks to the front gate :-) I actually didn't cry when I saw her, I thought I would. I think knowing she was at least safely in the states the last couple of days and the long, long drives thru beautiful country really helped deflate my worries.

We had a nice dinner, although we were both too tired to really eat. Then it was back to the hotel for some long awaited sex and snuggles!!

While we have lots of catching up to do, (especially in sex) being with her is better than ever, just as easy and comfortable as always.

I'll try to get her to write later tonight.

Grumpy

Tomorrow will mark two weeks with no conversations other than IMs with Nerdstar and another friend or two. I'm about to convince myself I prefer it that way. I'm still too worried about Nerdstar to take much delight in the fact that with any luck she'll be on her way back home in less than two weeks. They've had firefights just outside her base and more mortar attacks the past few days, so until she's actually out of Iraq it's not totally safe.

I've contracted some vague illness the past twenty four hours. Stomach problems, but then in the middle of the night last night I woke up cold, like a fever cold. I actually had to turn the a/c off, turn the ceiling fan off and get another blanket for the bed. But it just didn't seem like one of my normal fevers. And a slight headache for about twenty four hours now. Thankfully aspirin works for that. Some of this might be from foreign germs from the boxes Nerdstar sent home from Iraq. I know when she was home on leave I caught some vague crude from the dust from her duffle bag.

All that to say I'm grumpy. It's weird that with the end so near it doesn't feel it.

Saturday my brother is coming thru and dropping off my nephew for a day or two. I can't wait. The only person I love more than Zachary is Nerdstar. The last time it was just Zach and I was right before last Christmas. Now he talks a lot more and is growing up, so it'll be fun. Then the rest of next week will be getting the car and dog ready for the trip and packing and cleaning. So it'll be better.

I just have to get thru the next four days.

This and That

There are a few new photos up on Nerdstar's fotopage. I'm pretty sure these are some older ones. She's taken almost all of the pics on the page with disposable cameras. The photo labs keep mentioning how the heat has affected the film. When it's 110 in Iraq, I can't imagine how hot it gets in the mail trucks and such. She's had a couple of digital cameras with her, but one didn't work very well, and she sort of gave up on them. When we got to IM the other day (which is becomming increasingly frustrated because the servers are barely working lately) she said she was going to be taking pictures of people posing with the little packages of oreos I sent her last week.

Counting Down

It's finally September 1. It's looking likely Nerdstar will be home this month, and with luck we'll both be at Ft. Lewis in Washington in three weeks. Hopefully she'll fly out of Iraq to Kuwait on the 18th and I'll leave Austin and start driving to Ft. Lewis. It should be lots of fun coordinating a trip halfway across the country with a trip halfway around the world.

I'm so excited about my road trip up there. I've been planning it for at least six weeks now. I've got my list of things to pack, my big book of maps of the U.S. and each state, I've arranged for a house sitter to take care of the cats and fish and such, I've got all the info for the hotel we'll stay at near Ft. Lewis, and on and on. I've even started packing.

I've been telling the cats not to worry while I'm gone, I'll be back. And I've been telling Ramen he's getting to go on a big trip with me and will get to see his other Mom soon.

No, I'm not ready to get going at all. HA!

I'll be driving from Austin up thru Oklahoma and part of Kansas (1-35 to I-70), then head over close to Denver then on to close to Salt Lake City, up thru Boise, Idaho then thru Oregon up to Tacoma, Washington. I'm not sure yet if it's going to take me three days or four. It kinda depends on how long it takes Nerdstar to clear out of Kuwait. I'll have the cell phone and laptop with me so hopefully we can stay in touch. It'll be hard for her to find phones enroute.

If any of you dear readers live along the route - drop me an email and maybe we can meet up for lunch or dinner or something.

How hard it must be

I was thinking last night that what must be so hard for soldiers in Iraq, or any war zone, is that you're never safe. Even though Nerdstar rarely leaves the base, that is no guarantee of safety. I was thinking how much it must suck to know that you could be killed anywhere, anytime. The gym where she works out, the chow hall where she eats, the line where her laundry was drying, were all mortared at some point in the past few months. Even just walking from one place to another a mortar can land within feet if not on you.

Then my thoughts shifted to David and other Israelies and remembering that they, too live that reality every day. I've thought about this ever since 9/11. Mostly in hopes that not only will America never have to deal with suicide bombers on a regular basis, but that eventually Israel won't either.

So I'm sad today to read and hear the news of the two buses being bombed this morning.

Go read David's account of the events of this morning.

Skipping Record

My brain is often like a skipping record, stuck, repeating the same thing over and over. Unfortunately, it doesn't normally get stuck on good thoughts and I need someone to tap the needle and get it moving again.

Getting to IM with Nerdstar and then getting a package from her yesterday tapped the needle. Even better, she sent one of our digital cameras she'd had problems with back and another disposable camera.

So you guessed it - new pics up at Nerdstar's fotopage. A few weeks ago she got to go out in the city of Mosul with the new Pysch. Ops unit and really enjoyed it.

Looking at these pictures, I think if I were her I'd never want to see any shade of tan ever again!

Nerdstar Update

Yes, there was a significant change in the countdown days until Nerdstar comes home. It's still a very approximate number, but at least it's getting smaller!

A few weeks ago Nerdstar told me they were talking about a mid September date for her little unit to leave Iraq. The biggest questions regard their replacements, I don't think the answers to those questions are totally answered yet, so you never know how the picture will change.

Mostly I've been too afraid to even say "September" out loud for fear of jinxing it. Then I got this message from her this morning:

(Yep, I finally had to edit the official word out... I figured I would. No big deal. You get the jist of what it said.)

So, yes, it's looking good. Keep your fingers crossed and prayers said!

My worry levels, however, will remain rather elevated until she's actually in my line of sight. As I've written about before, there are just too many instances of bad things happening to soldiers in the weeks before their homecoming. Her little base is still getting a few mortar attacks most days.

Bleh

It's 12:20 a.m. The alarm is going to go off at 6:50 a.m. In spite of a little rum and coke a couple of hours ago, I was completely unable to fall asleep. I think I'm going to have a meltdown in this countdown to Nerdstar coming home. I need to be distracted, but nothing is distracting. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. So many fears, hopes, anxieties, worries, plans, regrets.

I know this will end eventually. There's just no comfort in that yet.

Soon, but not soon enough!

I will be having enough sex to try to make up for the missed year.

I won't have to sleep in an empty bed, I'll have my Snuggle Bunny with me.

I won't have to eat alone, shop alone, bum around town alone.

The constant worry will go away.

I won't have to pet or walk Ramen.

I won't have to open the door for the cats and dog to come in and out.

I'll have help cleaning the house and doing the laundry.

I'll have my favorite bedtime conversationalist back.

Yikes!

These next few days may be a bit tense, 4 mortar attack on this FOB, and one of them hit where I was drying my clothes, so I lost all these pt shirts and undies, most of them got shrapnelled beyond recognition, but they're just army issued clothes that I don't have to return, I've got plenty more, but the undies? Well, I am doing more undies shopping when I get back anyways! I am going to mail one of these shirts back home, I think my clothes should get a
purple heart! So needless to say, I got lucky again.

on autopilot in Iraq

Hello everyone! It's nerdstar again, almost at the end of "the mission" and cannot wait to come back home! I've been away since last May and even though time has a way of passing by rather fast, still each day just have this tendency to stretch.
All of us are on some sort of autopilot mode now, now that our jobs have been more defined, you are either pulling tower guard duty until the end of time, or you have one of those jobs where you sit in a hardtop building, somehow trying to make everything run smoothly. We've had our mortar attacks here and there, but it's really a kind of surreal when you are not "out there" seeing how things really are. Most of us have jobs that keep us on post and we cannot travel much to anywhere else, unless you get sick, needing to goto the field hospital, or getting supplies from another post.
I don't know if all deployments of war could be defined as the one that we have right now. Where the enemies could shoot at you but you cannot shoot back, where the biggest concern of the moment is the cat population on post, and the biggest gossip of the day is who is doing who. We've got combat stress specialists here, but if you are not infantry or on patrols, and did not see a lot of carnage, then I guess the "stress" just comes from being stuck here, doing the same thing from day in and day out, eating the same food, and watching people make big issues out of small things just because they can.
I try to cope with this repetitiveness by simply making fun of everything, even if it doesn't seem funny to other people, thinking about the trip back home, Vegas, Captain and Tenille, my pets, home and everyone in it, and taking lots of photos, some terrible, but some fun (not a professional photographer here!)
Sometimes, I'd think that I was a minor character in "Lord of the Flies", and other times, I felt like I was back in high school, with all the dramas between people (I have to say that I was a part of that too at one time.), except you have to live with the people in that high school.
I miss being a hermit, that sort of was the kind of life that we've lead in Austin, just us and the pets. I also found out that, I am not as introverted as I thought that I once was, I actually like going out of the FOB on patrols, bumming for a seat on other peoples' missions, and just seeing what's out there.
Well, I've got to close this entry for now, there's now a line of people waiting to use the computers, but I will write more to y'all soon about life here. Take good care and dodge that mortar!

Bleh

Today is one of those sad, frustrating days. While the beginning of August brought a new sense of anticipation, that if Nerdstar isn't home next month, then surely it'll be the month after that. And it seemed close. But today it's sinking in that the soonest she could be home just isn't soon enough. And the anger that's just under the surface rises about how long she's already been gone and how much it just seems wasted time. And all the fears and all the worries about the future push out all the hope.

For whatever reason, Nerdstar wasn't able to be online for our afternoon chat today. Tomorrow I start a new temp job, so we won't be able to chat until Saturday. And when days feel like weeks, that's a long ways off. Hopefully they'll get the phone lines on her base working again and she can at least call this week.

Can I just sleep until she's home? Because, really, that would be better.

Nerdstar Update

I got this email from her this morning. Mostly I'm glad to see her sense of humor is still intact! (Well, of course I'm glad her body is still intact!)

We've been mortared left and right ever since mid-evening yesterday! I haven't heard of any deaths yet but there were some brown and root people who got injured. Report from the other FOB said that there were insurgents who were dressed up like ninjas shooting ak-47's, grenades and rockets at that FOB! I never thought that we'd be attacked by ninjas! Didn't even know they had ninjas in Iraq! We should have samurai warriors here instead of us!

There's this private whom, because he was kept out of his room due to lock problems, went off at the sgt. in charge of the mayor cell (like the facility managers of the FOB, who are nothing but a bunch of lazy asses anyways), that private got ordered to go to anger management classes and they are going to chapter him out of the army... he must have really went off at that sgt.

Looks like this is the same story in the news.

August 1

Yeah, it's the start of another new month, which means one is finished and I'm that much closer to having my Nerdstar home. We still don't know exactly when she'll be coming home. We have our fingers crossed and prayers said for sooner rather than later.

I keep trying to get her to write an update for here, but they keep having troubles with the servers over there. She got to go out on a patrol in one of the Mosul neighborhoods with the new psych. ops. unit stationed there. Mostly they were surrounded by all the kids. She said she took a lot of pictures, so eventually she'll mail them back here and I'll get them developed and on the fotopage. She's doing well for the most part. Fortunately things have been mostly quiet over there for her, although I always hate writing that for fear of jinxing it.

I've rounded the corner where I'm anticipating her being home more than I worry - so that's good but scary. Once we actually know a more definite timeframe, I'll bore you all to tears every day with all the minute details of getting ready for her to come home.

Anybody's Guess

In the comments David kindly suggests that I start a countdown of days until Nerdstar comes home. I would if I could.

I crunched some numbers this morning, Nerdstar's been in Iraq for 240 days. Assuming she's gone for a year, that means we've got 125 left - 2/3 of the way done. But as of today we just can't really say when she'll be home. Could be as early as early October, could be as late as early December.

The best indication we'll get is when the replacement brigade for the brigade she's with starts moving over there. I've read reports that could start as early as September, or that they have orders for October, so even that isn't a definite yet. And she doesn't get to start flying home the minute they touch ground - the rotation in and out takes several weeks.

I'm hoping we have a better idea in September. But even that is still six weeks away.

I'm just sayin'

I've been rollin' along doin' pretty well, them bam, loneliness built up like a fortress around me today.

Maybe people think I'm stronger than I am. Maybe they think that because I crank shit out on here I'm just fine. Maybe they just don't give a fuck. But an empty email box and a silent phone just never make my day or night any better.

Sums it up

This is part of my IM with Nerdstar.

cinchsack: a mortar round just exploded
cinchsack: third time today
cinchsack: looks like we are back to the way things were
bethlyn327: yuck
cinchsack: two of them went off during lunch
cinchsack: we saw all these people running out of the chow hall
cinchsack: i stood up, looked around, and then sat back down to eat
bethlyn327: lol
bethlyn327: did they hit the chow hall or just close?
cinchsack: i don't know where they hit exactly
cinchsack: but sounded close
cinchsack: they've always been trying to hit the chow hall
bethlyn327: that's so rude !
cinchsack: yeah, but they are doing it all for Allah
bethlyn327: i'm sure he's thrilled
cinchsack: yeah

bethlyn327: thank god when this deployment is over we're done
bethlyn327: i couldn't do this even another year
cinchsack: i can't either
cinchsack: and they're wondering why i won't reenlist?
bethlyn327: i hate not having any control over such big things like being 8 million miles apart
cinchsack: it's like, they'll tap you every 6 months or so
cinchsack: yeah
bethlyn327: it might be tollerable if you were stateside all the time
bethlyn327: but even then, i don't know
bethlyn327: or if we weren't gay maybe
cinchsack: yeah
bethlyn327: so far they say they've kept up enlistment numbers
bethlyn327: but i can't imagine that in another year or two they will
cinchsack: the only reason why the enlistment # is up is because of stop loss
bethlyn327: they've said they're hitting new recruit #s too
cinchsack: it's like, you try to get out, but they pull you back in
cinchsack: most of them are gay
bethlyn327: huh?
cinchsack: heheeheheh
cinchsack: gay documentary filmmakers, looking for the next bright idea
bethlyn327: freak
bethlyn327: let's just move to a little island and have kids and pets
cinchsack: yeah!
cinchsack: or minnesota
bethlyn327: minnesota is damn cold baby
cinchsack: yeah, but I've got body heat!!!!
bethlyn327: but that doesn't help when we have to leave the house
cinchsack: we'll shop for groceries on the net
cinchsack: and only go out to dump trash or play in the snow
cinchsack: ramen's fur is going to be so plush
cinchsack: and little man and silly's fluffy!
bethlyn327: and money will just fall from the sky?
cinchsack: yeah!
bethlyn327: woohoo!
cinchsack: we'll live off of welfare
bethlyn327: lmao
bethlyn327: ok
cinchsack: at least we won't use it to buy beer
cinchsack: and cheap cheese
cinchsack: or butter
cinchsack: or cigarettes
bethlyn327: you crack me up
bethlyn327: what a pair we are
cinchsack: heheehehe
bethlyn327: if either of us had any ambition we might actually be dangerous
cinchsack: yeah
bethlyn327: kind of like Pinky and the Brain hehehe

cinchsack: i had a little talk with my nco about promotion
cinchsack: i stated that how come he's giving me such a hard time when, before, he promoted all those numbnuts that eventually got into trouble
bethlyn327: yeah
cinchsack: of course, he gave me a bunch of bull
cinchsack: asked me why i wanted to get promoted so fast
cinchsack: fast?
bethlyn327: LOL
bethlyn327: what an ass
cinchsack: I said to him that I will be getting out in may
cinchsack: I'd like for this to be the last thing that I do
bethlyn327: heh
cinchsack: whatever
cinchsack: he's just trying to save army $
bethlyn327: can you take it over his head?
cinchsack: the company commander, fat bastard, was there too, he heard everything
cinchsack: but knowing him, he won't do shit
bethlyn327: can't hurt to ask
cinchsack: he was there, in fact, I asked him to join in
cinchsack: he didnt' say a word
bethlyn327: what a bunch of pricks
cinchsack: yeah
bethlyn327: i wish you were over there with better people
cinchsack: well, my sanity is on the top prioirity right now
cinchsack: screw these numbnuts
bethlyn327: yeah
bethlyn327: just come home safe and get out
cinchsack: yeah
cinchsack: that's on top of the list
bethlyn327: in the long run none of this will matter
cinchsack: yeah
cinchsack: that's true
bethlyn327: i know it's hard to keep perspective
bethlyn327: especially when this year seems more like ten
bethlyn327: but a year or two from when you get home it'll all be a bad dream
cinchsack: yeah

Long, hot, slow days

Sigh. Just another slow, boring week around here. I think that's a good thing. Nerdstar and I have gotten to IM quite a bit this week, and she even got to call yesterday morning. We're both just trying to get thru these long, hot days of summer.

It's still not clear on whether the Army is sending their replacements in October or November. This frustrates me to no end. They should start sending them in late September and get the soldiers she's over there with home earlier rather than later. If the rotation goes slowly enough, I guess there's a chance she'd be home early December instead of November. I can't even think about that here in July. It's just too damn far off.

The good thing is that their base hasn't had any mortar attacks since just before the handover. But are you hearing this is the news, no. They had been mortared two or three times a day almost every day until then. So that's a big, positive change.

Bleh

I miss my girl. A lot.

Last July 4th we were in Seattle, touring the harbour, eating seafood, watching the fireworks from the docks.

Today, well, it just sucks.

I miss my girl. A lot.

Back to Light and Furry

Nerdstar and I have had good luck and timing and have been able to IM the past three days for quite a while. Her and Zachary got to make faces at each other! Zach doesn't quite understand how a webcam works yet - he wanted to hold it and move it around and look at the video on the screen, he didn't get that the camera picked up the pictures to put on the screen. It was kinda like watching Blair Witch!

Today when Nerdstar logged on I asked how she was and she said, "Look." And without the benefit of tone of voice or anything, in the time between when I read "Look" and could actually see her on the screen, I was so afraid I'd be looking at a mangled Nerdstar. (Nope, no logic to it whatsoever, if she were truly mangled she wouldn't be online.)

What I did see when the picture came thru was her holding a tiny little orange tabby kitten. Can you say too cute for words! One of the other soldiers was trying to take care of the momma cat and she had the kittens in his trailer a couple of weeks ago. But when I asked about them the other day Nerdstar said his chain of command had made him get rid of them. Yes, that pissed her off, and no, it doesn't make any sense to me. On her way to the computer lab she heard this kitten crying very loudly from under one of the trailers, so she brought it along.

I'm not sure it's even possible to try to raise it if she can't find the momma cat. She's going to look and to try. I found her a good webpage about taking care of abandoned kittens, the problem is actually finding any of the stuff required over on her base. The other problem, if it manages to survive for the rest of her time over there, and doesn't run off, what to do with it when she leaves. I can only imagine how sad she'd be if something bad happened to it!

Anyway, it was lots of fun to see her and this tiny little kitten in a box on my computer screen!!

UPDATE: This is part of the email I got from Nerdstar this morning:

I am keeping a different cat now, still a kitten, but more grown than little man when we got him, it's a she and how I got to keep her was because one of the mail clerks rescued her from the helipad and she couldn't think of anyone else to keep her. I hope no one finds out!!!! I made a littler box of sand from the sandbags laying around the area, and we've already taken a nap together.

Today was so very hot, hotter than any other days that I've known, so I just tried to hole up in the air conditioned area (today's my day off), and just read and slept.

Happy

If you're not happy for the people of Iraq, and even just a little bit excited that an entire nation is truly on the road to self government, then honeslty, I don't get it.

I agree with Vodka Pundit - this is required reading. We can never forget just how bad life under Saddam was.

Let there be no mistake, those of you who don't believe in this war: the Ba'ath regime were the Nazis of the second half of the 20th century. I saw what the murderous, brutal regime of Saddam Hussein wrought on that country through his party and their Fedayeen henchmen. They raped, murdered, tortured, extorted, and terrorized those in that country for 35 years. There are mass graves throughout Iraq only now being discovered. 1st Battalion, 5th Marines, out of Camp Pendleton, liberated a prison in Iraq populated entirely by children. The Ba'athists brutalized the weakest among them, and killed the strongest. I saw in the eyes of the people how a generation of fear reflects in the human soul.

The analogy is simple. For years, you have watched the same large, violent man come home every night, and you have listened to his yelling and the crying and the screams of children and the noise of breaking glass, and you have always known that he was beating his wife and his children. Everyone on the block has known it. You ask, cajole, threaten, and beg him to stop, on behalf of the rest of the neighborhood. Nothing works. After listening to it for 13 years, you finally gather up the biggest, meanest guys you can find, you go over to his house, and you kick the door down. You punch him in the face and drag him away. The house is a mess, the family poor and abused? but now there is hope. You did the right thing.

Go read that whole story. Then go read Michele's post this morning - it's pretty much what's on my mind, too.

A New Beginning

By Ayad Allawi

On Wednesday the sovereignty of Iraq will be restored, and the Iraqi people will take their first major steps toward a free and prosperous future, after more than three decades of tyrannical rule, repression, wars and sanctions. This will be an important milestone for Iraq, the region and indeed the whole world, endorsed by the unanimous approval of the U.N. Security Council in Resolution 1546 earlier this month. As Iraqis, we thank the coalition for the sacrifices made by its soldiers and its people for the liberation and rebuilding of Iraq, and for the contributions by all the countries, international organizations and nongovernmental organizations that have braved the risks to help Iraq in its time of need. We hope for the continued support of the global community, as we Iraqis take the crucial steps in assuming responsibility for our own future.

That's the first paragraph, go read the whole thing.

Nerdstar related news

Two topics Nerdstar and I talked about yesterday when she called were: are things going to get more violent over the next week or so, and is the Stryker Brigade now at Ft. Lewis going to replace them and when. Well, there are tons of links on the Stryker Brigade News website today about all of it.

Starting in October, more than 4,000 soldiers with the Army's second Stryker brigade will deploy to Iraq, where they will replace another unit from Fort Lewis, post officials announced Wednesday.

We were really hoping that replacement process would start a little sooner, if the replacements were starting to move over in September, there would be a better chance of Nerdstar coming home in late October. The process of moving one brigade in and the other out takes a long time. But, with luck I'll have her home by Thanksgiving, which is what I've kinda figured all along.

"I would surely hope that they get home before Christmas," Beninato said of soldiers in the 3rd Brigade. "But there's no guarantee." (added: That sentence pisses me off, if they'd get it together and start sending the replacements in say, August/September there would be a guarantee that not only would the Styrkers be home by Christmas, they might actually be home within a year of deployment. It's not like decent planning couldn't guarantee that, which has been my biggest complaint about military operations to date - poor planning and logistics.)

As for the violence going on in Iraq today, we talked about how the targets aren't primarily US soldiers and bases, it's Iraqis who are working toward establishing their own freedom. The only good thing about that for me is that at least Nerdstar is still relatively safe. She doesn't get to wander off of base too often, and probably not at all while things are "hot", and maybe if the bad guys are busy attacking other targets, they won't lob as many mortars into the base.

UPDATE: I got this short email from Nerdstar:

I am in my bosses' office because they are expecting some attacks overnight, the city has been under a curfew and some key places in the city has been attacked and they lost some Iraqis. When I walked down to this place, I saw strykers standing by, ready to be sent somewhere. I hope it'll be a quiet evening, I am so tired of these "warnings" and stuff. Just send us all home, for crying out loud. So if you didn't hear anything from me, it's because I am trapped here until further notice.

Life Imitates Art

I started watching Buffy season 6 the other day - all the despair, sadness, loss.

Late last night my life decided to follow suit. Nerdstar is safe, that's not what's wrong. I don't think I can write about any of it, and since I can't think about anything else, I might not be doing much blogging for a couple of days.

Not so late night rambling

It's only 10:21 tonight, so I'm getting an early start. I've got Rush Exit Stage Left probably a little too loud on the stereo, but who cares. It really doesn't get any better than YYZ. Again, I'm waiting for my Nerdstar to be online so we can chat.

My day started off just right - waking up to a phone call from Nerdstar. She might have a new roommate in a few weeks - something cute and furry. One of the other soldiers was apparently adopted by a mamma cat who gave birth to kittens today, all orange tabbies, Nerdstar's favorites. She thinks I'm going to send her cat food. (Well, actually, I did that once already for some other stray cat she was trying to feed and take care of.) I'm just waiting to see how she gets a fairly young cat from Iraq to Ft. Lewis. She definitely prefers animals to humans - and really, who can blame her?

I'm start to be all optimistic about her coming home, making little plans, and it scares me to death.

Huh, not much else in my head for now. Oh well, everybody seems to take the weekends off from blogs anyway.

Heartbreaking

In keeping with the sad and serious note around here, this story is more than just heartbreaking.

After a year in combat, Sgt. Arthur Mastrapa was waiting outside the post exchange Wednesday when an enemy rocket ended his life. He was supposed to fly home Thursday.

This is why the fear and worry stays so close to the surface with me, and will until Nerdstar's actually in my line of sight again. My heart goes out to St. Mastrapa's family and friends. I can only imagine the utter grief and shock they're going thru.

Irony

Anytime I hear Iraqis or Arabs say we should not have invaded Iraq, and that in spite of SH's atrocities, we should have minded our own business and left him in power, or read the results of the latest poll of Iraqis, or when I think of all the American soldiers who have died or been injured in our efforts to bring democracy to Iraq, I'm tempted to say - absolutey. Bring home all of our soldiers and let the Iraqis deal with their own rebuilding.

The irony is, if Bin Laden and Al Qaeda had simply left America alone, they could have done pretty much whatever they wanted in the rest of the world. When Bush took office he was set on being pretty isolationist, and that was perfectly fine with the American public. Instead, they thought 9/11 was a good idea.

More on Nerdstar

Nerdstar called again this afternoon because she'll be out of touch for a couple of days. This is the email I got from her:

How are you doing today? It was great to hear your voice! I miss you and the kids very much, looks like I am about to fill up yet another journal again!

It doesn't feel as depressing/empty in the room the less time that I spend there, maybe in time, people will want to come in and chat. I think in general, I am glad that there are not as many people who'll have to put up with daily mortaring and this sweltering heat... I wish I was one of them though.

It's hitting 106, 108 every day over there. And it's more humid than I thought it was, so that's bad. To answer the questions in the comments from the last post - all we know about her brigade coming home is that they're the first to be rotated out in the fall. We hope that means October instead of November, but we won't have any idea of a timeline until their replacements start showing up.

On the phone today she kept trying to talk me into coming to see her over there now that she has her trailer to herself :-) I explained that even if I found her basecamp and made it there, the army guards wouldn't let me in. We joked that I'd just say I was there to see Nerdstar. It's a nice daydream. But trust me, if I thought there was any chance I could actually do it, I'd be booking the next flight to Iraq!

As for the "live porn" - she could write a year's worth of soap opera material based on her roommate's adventures in Iraq. I keep trying to get her to write about it on here, but her roommate knows this site exists, so she was waiting until she was gone. Nerdstar said it was weird not having anyone knock on the trailer door at all hours of the night last night. I'll just say there was more than one night Nerdstar had to sleep somewhere other than her trailer.

Good Timing

My Nerdstar has had fantastic timing lately. Last week I had just gotten out of the shower when the phone rang and it was her. Today, I just logged off the computer and was about to head out to get some lunch and run some errands and the phone rang, again, it was her. It's always so good to talk to her. Especially since I was feeling really down the other night. She always makes me smile and laugh.

Her life in Iraq just got a lot more calm - her floosy of a roommate is done with her time in Iraq. Nerdstar now has her little trailer all to herself. Now that there won't be live porn in her room, maybe she can get more sleep.

It's a tricky time emotionally. We're over halfway done with this longest year, but there's no set return date yet. We're both starting to daydream about her homecoming, but really it's too far away to start anticipating.

I'll be busy for the next couple of weeks, so that will help.

Mostly I hope that I'm not just wasting this year. It's hard not to play what-if over and over.

How cool

Talk Radio in Baghdad. Go read the whole thing!

From a modest family house somewhere in a western Baghdad suburb, Radio Dijla is fighting crime, saving lives, and treating the emotional traumas of lovesick teenagers.

Up to 18,000 callers a day try to contact the station - it only answers a fraction of that number - and it has become Baghdad's favourite.

Interview

A friend of mine sent me a copy of Dissent magazine's spring 2004 edition. In it is a fantastic interview with Adam Michnik. He's Polish and liberal and gets why what we're doing in Iraq is necessary and the right thing to do. Amazing what personal experience with fascism can do for your view of things.

Here's an expert, please read the whole thing!

Adam Michnik: I look at the war in Iraq from three points of view. Saddam Hussein's Iraq was a totalitarian state. It was a country where people were murdered and tortured. So I'm looking at this through the eyes of the political prisoner in Baghdad, and from this point of view I'm very grateful to those who opened the gates of the prison and who stopped the killing and the torture. Second, Iraq was a country that supported terrorist attacks in the Middle East and all over the world. I consider that 9/11 was the day when war was started against my own work and against myself. Even though we are not sure of the links, Iraq was one of the countries that did not lower its flags in mourning on 9/11. There are those who think this war could have been avoided by democratic and peaceful means. But I think that no negotiations with Saddam Hussein made sense, just as I believe that negotiations with Hitler did not make sense. And there is a third reason. Poland is an ally of the United States of America. It was our duty to show that we are a reliable, loyal, and predictable ally. America needed our help, and we had to give it. This was not only my position. It was also the position of Havel, Konrad, and others.

TC: But still, in all seriousness, here are the Poles, the Americans, the Australians, the British, and they're occupying this country, and so the rest of the world looks at Poland, and the perception is that it's part of the imperial project of America.
AM: Did they criticize the fact that four countries-the United States, Britain, France, and the Soviet Union-occupied Germany after the Second World War?

Direct Correlation

There's a very, very direct correlation to my mood and how much I've been about to communicate with Nerdstar. On those rare occasions she gets to call, those are my best days. In times where we get to IM for at least thirty minutes just about every day, I do really well. When we're down to an email every 24 hours I kinda hang in there, but get grumpy. On those other rare occasions where I don't hear from her at all for 48 hours (or even more rarely longer) I get all kinds of freaked out.

I know she and I have been extremely lucky in how much we've been able to communicate while she's been in Iraq. On the message boards on StykerNews I read that some families don't hear from their loved ones for weeks at a time. (Yes, it brings tears to my eyes when I read it.) But, when you've been spoiled it's hard to adjust to anything else.

Long summer days do nothing to make the time feel like it's going any faster. We're not close enough to winding this up to feel hopeful. This is the slogging it out part. It won't start to feel closer to over until about the end of August. I mean, how long ago does last Thanksgiving seem? And how far away does the coming Thanksgiving seem? Exactly.

And I find that the closer it gets to time for them to start coming home the more worried I get. Unfortunately, I think that's going to continue. It's the whole, it would suck so much to make it this long and have something happen to her now, thing. I'm sure most families of soldiers go thru it.

I'm sure she's feeling the same things, too.

Another Thought

About the media story below. The media is unbelievably critical of the war effort and our military and on and on. Yet, here some Iraqi's thought they could trust members of the media with whatever information they had. How wrong they were. The most dangerous, and important, thing Iraqis can do is to help our soldiers with intelligence information. In this kind of war it's the only way we can win when we're not willing to just level the whole place. It's one thing not to be able to trust the media to report what's going on accurately, it's another matter entirely if you can't trust them as fellow humans to try to prevent loss of life. Those media people are damn lucky no one - Iraqi's or US soldiers - got killed.

WTF?

MOSUL, Iraq - Coalition soldiers questioned two news media cameramen and a reporter after a roadside bomb exploded near a Coalition convoy two kilometers north of Mosul June 3.

3rd Brigade, 2nd Infantry Division soldiers requested the media accompany them to a base camp in Mosul to answer questions as witnesses to the incident. The news media representatives left the base camp in the mid afternoon.

Am I to understand that instead of informing the military what was going on, the media just showed up with cameras to film it? If they were there before the explosion it seems they could have given a heads-up to the soldiers.

I can only hope I'm reading that wrong.

1000th Entry

I guess it's appropriate that this entry will be like the 999 before it and nothing special.

After all the stress and emotion of last weekend, I've been pretty chill the last couple of days. Summer set in with a vengance. I'm one of those rare people who hate hot, sunny weather. Especially when hot and sunny means it's 95 with 90% humidity and relentless sunshine. It helps tremendously to have an a/c in my car this year. It means I might venture out before 10 pm a little more often.

Nerdstar got a chance to call the other night. She said a couple of guys in her unit have taken to sleeping in their offices instead of their trailers since the attack last weekend. She also said people are being a lot more friendly. That all makes sense to me. She's doing well.

I've still been watching programs and documentaries about D-Day, thinking about how different things are now. And it's really not our military that is different. At least, not in the makeup in the character of it's soldiers. But our enemy is completely different. That's something that always pisses me off - that our enemies are total cowards. They won't put on uniforms and fight us "face to face" as an army. They hide behind children. They lob mortars into our bases and fade into the crowd.

And I think that's what contributes a lot to the major difference between this war and WWII - the attitude of the homefront. Say what you want about propaganda, but it works and it helps. We need more of it today. But it's "oppressing" to call our enemy the enemy. Fuck that.

Anyway. My mailbox brought me cool things today. I got the 3rd season of Coupling, the 6th season of Buffy, and the only season of Firefly.

Pics

I have several pictures Nerdstar has taken while over in Iraq, and her digital camera is on it's way back to me with lots of pics. (I traded hers for mine because mine is easier to use.) I'm not sure I'd do a photo gallery even if I knew how until she's home.

So, I was happy to see these pics from Debbie who was in Mosul with the 101st. The Strykers took over operations in Mosul from the 101st. There are some really cool aerial shots of Mosul in there.

More Progress

I haven't heard or read much about this today, that makes me even more glad to get the perspective of Iraq the Model on the new president.

Today comes another powerful strike to terrorism and the neighboring countries, when the process of forming the transitional government went very smoothly and peacefully. there was a competition between two men; Pachachi who seemed to be favored by the Americans (and by me as well) and Al-Yawer who apparently had the approval and support from most of the GC members and other political powers but Pachachi withdrew in the last moment, the move that proves my point that he was the best man for the job.

It's worth mentioning that Yawer, although carries the family name of a Sheikh and he's dressed like a Sheikh, is a modernized man with a high scientific degree. Also, having a cabinet that includes five female ministers should tell us that the tribes couldn't/didn't want to force their law, and at the same time carries a message to the Islamists that the interim government will provide equal opportunities to all segments of the Iraqi people.

Nerdstar Update

I just took my pt test this morning and I passed! That's something that I'll never will have to think about again! Yay!

Yesterday, I was on a convoy all day long to get some armored door on our humvee, and it was so hot and dusty there, I felt like I was a piece of Monglian bbq!

The guy that I saw getting pulled out of his trailer has passed away last night in his sleep, one of the other guy has lost one of his eyes due to shrapnel wounds.

Today, I am just going to try to take it easy, the past few days has been quite taxing physically and mentally.

Wet Blanket

I've told myself many times today I should be feeling relief and not this total sadness that has set in. I cried a lot this afternoon, and even now am more on the verge of tears than usual. Nerdstar's close call has put a wet blanket on everything.

I did get out of the house this evening and went to see Shrek 2 with some new friends (a couple of the poker players from the other night) and then we went out for margaritas. It was nice to almost be distracted. But really, all I can think is that it could have so easily have been a phone call from the army instead of that email this morning.

It's partly the time delay that makes it hard. See, it's not like if she's killed or injured I'll be notified immediately. It could take a while. It's that while that worries me. I could be at the movies, like tonight, trying not to worry, trying to have a good time, and then I could find out tomorrow that while I was trying to have a good time, she was killed. I don't know if I'm explaining that well. But it translates into nothing ever being really fun and "carefree."

I guess that's the crux of having a soldier off at war.

I'm certain parents know the feeling, especially once the kids get their driver's license. Waiting up, lying in bed waiting to hear the car pull in the driveway, your kid come thru the front door safe and sound. Except the feeling is 24/7 for at least a year.

No words

Needless to say reading this email from Nerdstar makes me cry:

I wish that my life was unexciting today. 6 trailers got taken out by mortars, I was in the area and saw/heard everything. One of the guys who got injured got pulled out of his trailer, he was lifeless, and bled so much that you couldn't tell where he was bleeding from, the rest of the people in the trailer (this happened around 1 in the afternoon) got either burns or burns/shrapnel wounds, a few of them had to be airlifted to Baghdad, because the med. facilities here couldn't do much of anything for them.

Me and few other people pulled fire extinguishers out of other un-hit trailers and started spraying, but it was no use, the insulation materials of the trailers burned really fast and before you know it, everything was in flames.

There's this one sgt., who usually cuts my bangs, and her soldiers were the ones who got injured and when she found out, she was shaking and I kind of lost it too.... a few minutes later. I've never seen anyone so bloodied and screamed so loud in my life, and the people that got hit were really young too.

I was in one of the trailers that got destroyed just a few minutes earlier, I stepped out, figured I can use a few minutes to check my e-mail, and then it happened, two of the people who were still in that trailer got 2nd. degree burns.... I think someone wants me to live.

I miss you, and wish that I could just go home now, I wish that everyone could go home.

I will write more to you soon, hug yourself and the kids for me!

I have to admit I don't pray for Nerdstar very often. And lately the worry has been a little more below the surface. But, last night when I finally went to bed after not hearing from her all day, the worry level increased and I said the briefest of prayers. There's just no explaining the complete randomness of who gets hurt/killed and who doesn't - and that's what makes it so hard. Well, that and being completely unable to do a damn thing from here to make my girl any safer.

This is twice she's left a building less than thirty minutes before it was blown up. Hopefully she's like a cat and has nine lives!

My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of the soldiers involved.

What about the Iraqi's?

I really try not to discuss politics or Iraq with people I know I don't see eye to eye with on these subjects. I really don't like to debate because I'm not good at it. (That's why I write, it gives me time to think things thru.) But I've found myself in a few such conversations, particularly online, lately and they frustrate the hell out of me. I ask the people with strong opinions about us getting the hell out of Iraq since we shouldn't be there in the first place if they're reading what actual Iraqi's have to say about the situation or if they are at all aware of the actual improvements (the removal of a deadly tyranicaly dictator not included) happening in Iraq, and almost to a person the answer is no, BUT...

There is no BUT after that. I had someone tell me to "forget iraqi blogs, what about the angry masses?" That was pretty much the end of that conversation for me.

So, I've been thinking that the people passionately opposed to what we're doing in Iraq are also generally pretty uninformed about the improvement in the every day life of Iraqi's. Their arguments are never about reality in Iraq and usually more about unrelanted tangents. And I have to admit I find it inexcuseable in this day of blogging to hold such strong opinions based on info filtered thru biased media. When in less time than it takes to watch a half hour news program you can read two or three Iraqi bloggers there is just no reason to not get the information first hand.

It's very frustrating.

Especially when I find statements like this on Iraq the Model:

I don't like to repeat myself, but I wanted to share with you some of the opinions of Iraqis about their daily lives that I read on the bbc. arabic.com There were more than many comments and about 70% of them were positive. Here are some examples:

The daily life in Basra is not that different from other parts of Iraq; It's very hot, the water and power supply are not Continueous, still I prefer to live a year in these conditions than one hour like those we lived under Saddam.
Abbas Mahir Tahir-Basra.

No, I'm not niave enough to believe that every Iraqi in the country is thrilled with the events of the past year. But at least now they won't be killed or tortured if they say that in public.

It's like the lives of Iraqi's take a back seat to their ideology.

Nerdstar Update

Fortunately we were in an IM when I got this email...

I went on a convoy with my commander and 1st. sgt., to check out a bunch of schools made of mud! They wanted to make sure that the locations of the schools were correct so when they make the proposal to give out $ and supplies, they'll know where exactly these schools are. I took some pictures, and these villages are the most primitive looking places that I've ever seen!

We might have to move to Baghdad in a few weeks, it seems like General Sanchez has a hair up his ass... he wants to reposition the troops. There is no official order yet, but everyone is saying that it's coming, and it'll hit us like a bat out of hell. There will be no trailers, so we'll be going back to the tent, and we'll be back to eating army foods, cooked by army cooks, there is currently no brown and root support where we might be going... (a bit south of Baghdad)

If that's true, then it's going to suck so bad. Our commander has already told us to start packing up... I will let you know if/when it becomes official.

I need to do laundry too, my clothes are so dusty, and I was dirty too from the convoy, the shower water turned brown when I was taking one!

Then this is part of our IM:

bethlyn327: ugh... just read your email
bethlyn327: that really sucks
cinchsack: yeah, now, after your convoy, I've got more really dirty clothes
cinchsack: yeah, isn't it?
bethlyn327: hopefully it's just a nasty rumor
bethlyn327: would they move the whole stryker brigade?
cinchsack: for a nasty rumor, it seems like everyone has already accepted that as facty
cinchsack: they said that the "warning order" was supposed to come down tonight
cinchsack: or earlier this afternnoon
cinchsack: yes, it'll suck big time
bethlyn327: just seems unnecessarily dangerous to go moving so many troops around
cinchsack: yeah, some feather up someone's ass
bethlyn327: how far south of baghdad?
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: one of those dangerous places
cinchsack: but at a place with no "facilities".
cinchsack: so it'll be back to the basics
bethlyn327: no email or anything huh?
bethlyn327: i'll go crazy
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: you'll have to start writing snail mail all the time!
cinchsack: yeah
cinchsack: I'll be like human jerky in all that heat and no ac!
bethlyn327: oh man, that will suck!
bethlyn327: i mean, in some ways i know it seems more fair, but...
cinchsack: but?
bethlyn327: but i don't care about fair! i care about you being safe and comfy!
cinchsack: I don't know how we can get out of it
cinchsack: I don't want to go to a place that's more dangerous and a lot less comfy
bethlyn327: i know

I know there are some people who would object to me putting out such a rumor about troop movement, honestly, I don't care. My goal with these post about Nerdstar and I during this deployment are simply to show how this affects two people and their families.

UPDATE: I've seen the news stories about Sanchez being replaced. I haven't caught Nerdstar online since to ask her if that will make any difference.

Nerdstar update

I think other than going to bed, going to Whole Foods makes me miss Nerdstar more than anything. I just want to pack up the whole store and send it to her. Her love of food is rivaled only by her love for me, although there can be a serious debate about which comes first!

She's doing pretty well over there. She's been a lot happier since she finally got a job to do. She said their truck broke down yesterday, but fortunately not while they were on a convoy. She's been having roommate troubles, but her roommate is somewhere else this week and then coming back to the states next month. At least living with this girl makes living with me look much easier! It's in the 90s over there and she says it's already really hot. Several times when I've seen her on the webcam she's got her camelpack water stray thing in her mouth all the time.

Inspiring

Wow. Iraq the Model on the assassination in Iraq today.

We have a critical security situation, that’s right and we need to deal with the defects quickly. But no matter what precautions we take, we cannot be a 100% sure that we can protect every single person, including our leaders and the higher officials who make favorite targets for the terrorists but we still can make their attempts go in vain by making our leadership *replaceable*. This idea may seem odd or even a little bit cruel but I can give some further explanations; the terrorists think in the same way their dictator-masters do. They believe that every nation has “and should have” one strong man to lead her and if it happened one day that the nation “lost” this strong man (the Khalifa, in OBL's followers' minds), she will certainly be doomed. The main point that they fail to capture, is that this idea applies only to totalitarian regimes and does not apply to democracies. This doesn't mean, at all, that we don't respect our leaders or that we do not appreciate their services. We can take a good example from the history of the USA; when president JFK was assassinated (America was one of the two super powers in the world at that time), the Americans were deeply saddened by the loss of such a great leader but they did not stop at that point. They moved on and kept their determination to overcome the loss and that’s why America became the only super power in the world in less than 30 years from that tragic incident. That's why we'll keep moving forwards because we're building a model for democracy here, we've sacrificed a lot in the last decades and we're ready to give more if needed but we're not giving up.

Are we sad? Yes of course, but we’re absolutely not discouraged because we know our enemies and we know their ways and we decided to go in this battle to the end. They think they can force us to give up but they’re totally mistaken. I’ve tasted freedom, my friends and I’d rather die fighting.

He totally gets things we as Americans take absolutley for granted.

Balance

Trying to keep perspective, to balance out the kill them all feelings, because I know it really isn't the majority of Iraqis or even Muslims who are represented by the fuckheads to killed Mr. Berg.

So here's another great post by Iraq the Model on how the economy and lives are improving in Iraq.

Back to the average income issue. Some readers may remember that I said my salary was about 17 US$ before the war. Shortly after the war it was raised to 120 US$. Three months after that, they made it 150 US$. Two months later it became 200$ (although the truth should be said that they promised that it was going to be 250$) and when I went with one of my colloquies (who gets an exact payment) to receive his salary this month (I still haven’t get paid for 6 months due to some beaurocractic problems that has just been solved), the accounter said to my friend "congratulations! You are getting a new rise starting from the next month and your salary will be around 300 US$!"
Now I know this is still a very low figure compared to what doctors get in other countries, but look at the pace of the raises; 120, 150, 200, 300 all in one year! I mean it’s spooky. What will it be the next year, 500$? And what about 3 or 4 years from now? A thousand or can I dare and say few thousand dollars? Will we get more than what the Syrian, Egyptian Iranian and even Saudi doctors!? What a disaster will it be to the mullahs of Iran, Bashar Al-Assad and the king of Saudi Arabia?

Everyone who knows enough about Iraq should know that millions of Iraqis were employed by the government, but most of them had second jobs (I used to run a small shop with my brothers beside my job as a doctor, and of course I gave it up soon after the war) except for those who took illegal advantages from their original jobs. The rest were involved in private businesses that paid more but were very risky with all the shakes in economy and all the restrictions from the old regime. After the war some of those who were employed by the government were expelled, but most of them are back now. For God’s sake even most of the Ba’athists and the security agents are back to their jobs now! The only people who are out of job now are Saddam’s special security agents and higher ranked Ba’athists who sucked the Iraqi people’s blood for decades. May I ask how many are those, and should we really sympathies with them this much? Besides, most of them made fortunes and fled out of the country or are using it to start their own businesses and no one is preventing them from that.

He also writes about this conversation with a young cousin of his:

My uncle had some unusual sense of humor that didn’t fit quite well in his somewhat religious family. He winked at me and turned to his son and asked him "What do you think of the Americans?" His son answered, "They are occupiers". "So you think we should fight them?" his father asked. Ibrahim said "No, but I don’t like them". My uncle said, pretending to change the subject "Do you like your new computer that no one shares with you?" "Yes of course dad". "Ok, are you satisfied with the satellite dish receiver we have or do you need a better one?" "This one is fine but I heard there’s a better one that gets more channels" "ok I’ll get you that next week". Then he said, "Is there anything else you’d like to have son?" "No dad I have all that I need". "Ok but how about a car?" Ibrahim was astounded and said "Really? a..a CAR.. for me!?". "Of course for you! I’m too old to drive now and my eyes are not that well and you are the older son. So whom else would it be for!?" "Oh, dad that will be great! When will that happen?" "Just finish you’re exams and you’ll have it". "I will dad". "Are you happy now son?" "Yes dad, sure I am!" "Then why do you hate the Americans you son of a b***h!? I couldn’t get you a bicycle a year ago, I could hardly feed you and your brothers and sisters. You didn’t know what an apple or a banana tasted like, I couldn’t buy you a damned Pepsi bottle except in occasions, and now you can have all that you wish, and a car of your own! Who do you think made that possible!?" My cousin’s face turned red and didn’t answer as we laughed and I said "What do you think Ibrahim?" He said, "Well it’s true but it’s our money. They are not giving us a charity" and I said "Of course it’s our money, so let’s forget the Billions of dollars they are giving to rebuild Iraq and the efforts they are doing to cut down our debts and lets talk about our money. Why didn’t your father, I, my brothers and all the Iraqis have anything worth mentioning before the Americans came?" He said, "Because Saddam used it to buy weapons and build palaces". "There you have it Ibrahim, but Americans are not touching our money. Can you tell me who’s better; the ‘occupiers’ who are helping us or the ‘patriot’ who did all that you know to us?" He said in a faint voice "They are better than Saddam but still they are not Muslims". "So do you want them to be Muslims?" "I wish they were." "Will you fight them to that?" he said, "No, of course not. I don’t like fighting." We didn’t want to pressure and embarrass him further and didn’t go further, as he’s still young but he’s smart and good-natured and will get it soon.

One Small Hope

One thought I keep coming back to this afternoon gives me a little hope. It was Iraqi's who led American soldier's to where Pfc Lynch and others were being held so that they could be rescued. I believe that most Iraqi's will be as outraged as we are about the beheading of Mr. Berg. And my hope is that when there are other hostages, or even ones currently being held, Iraqi's who have information will tell it to American soldiers and lead to their rescue.

Days like today it's so hard to keep any reasonable perspective, but I have to try.

An Iraqi Soldier

I'm so glad I've added Iraq the Model to my favorites. (Eventually I'll get around to putting it on my blogroll.) His newest entry is a conversation he had with an old friend of his who was a soldier in SH army and has recently joined the new Iraqi army.

The most important thing is that this army has no retards or illiterate in it like the old one. Now education is an essential requirement when applying to serve in the new army and anyone who hasn’t finished high school at least has no place there. In fact most of the volunteers are college and technical institutes graduates.
Everything is new, no more worn out dirty uniforms that only God knows how many people used before you, and they never minded about the size. This time they took our sizes and handed each one of us a new elegant uniform that’s worthy of an officer! It was a common scene, you know, that soldiers wander near their halls in their underwear after training hours. Some of them did that because they didn’t have much to wear when they wash their uniforms, but the majority did it out of custom. Now this is unacceptable, and everyone received a nice comfortable suit to wear after the training hours.
One of the officers said to us “you know what? One of the reasons you lose your wars is the boots you were wearing” He then handed each one of us a pair of those brand new boots that we could only dream of buying them in the old times, and said “Put these on and you’ll feel like you can fly” and it did feel almost like that!
I knew exactly what my relative meant, as I had to wear those boots at Sadam’s times when they forced us to do a month of military training during our summer vacation in college, and they warned us that anyone who refused to do so would be expelled from his college. Wearing those inflexible rigid boots in that heat was more like a torture. They were my worst memory of that camp and caused me multiple painful sores that needed weeks to heal.
My relative’s face was glowing as he continued, "you can’t imagine how much valued we are and how much our religion and traditions are respected. When we pass by a mosque, the officer in charge shouts “no talk” until we pass the mosque by a considerable distance, and when one of the officers enters our hall, if he sees that one of us is praying he remains silent and order us to keep quite until our comrade finishes his prayer.

For the first time in my life, I feel I’m somebody. I’m not a trash as Saddam and his gang tried to make me believe” as he finished his last words his voice went faint as if he was chocking.

Go read the whole thing!!

365

Nice little number. 365 = 1. Except this 1 feels more like 7 - you know, dog years.

There really aren't any words or plays on words or phrases or expressions that could get across just how long this past year has felt. I re-read the entries from this time last year and I might as well be reading childhood diaries it all seems so long ago.

When I dropped Nerdstar off at the meeting place in the middle of the night we were both trying to be optimistic that she'd be sent home in three months instead of sent to Iraq. At that time three months apart, even while in the same country and able to talk on the phone nightly, seemed like way too long. Then three months dragged on to six - great military inefficiency. She was still rather optimistic that she'd be sent home instead of Iraq - for several good reasons. But we all know that didn't happen.

So now we're 2/3 of the way what looks like will be a year and a half apart.

And you know what. It just sucks. Yeah sure, you can talk about growing experiences, and all that shit. Mostly it just feels like a big year and a half void in our lives.

No words of wisdom here. No the cause is worth it. I just want my Nerdstar home.

Nerdstar Update

The new job is great! I finally have something to do and new people to meet! Their convoys are very safe, they take more precautions than a lot of other
people who run convoys that I've been on, so I feel pretty safe!

The kind of convoys that I am usually on are for supply runs, they usually screen the route early in the morning to ensure that there are no ied's, all
these intel people would be on shift for 24/7 to try to make sure that the threat is mininum. They will cancel convoys if the threat is too high.

I've been so tired in the past few days, with the roommate conflict and the new job, that I didn't go and work out like I usually do, but it's getting better so my routine should be re-established. I am also going to try to come back to computer lab so we can IM again!

Leaky Eyes

For whatever reason, my eyes have been even more leaky than usual today.

Since 9.11 my emotional state has been on the verge of tears pretty much non stop. Hmm, on the verge of tears might not be the most accurate, but I definitely cry at less than the drop of a hat since that day. It's beyond pms emotional crying over sappy commercials.

Adding a constant "white noise" of total fear about Nerdstar's safety for the past six months does nothing to help.

Anyway. I was driving to my little job this morning, the radio scanning all my preset stations as always, when I catch just enough of a conversation between morning djs I generally find way too happy family listening for my taste. One of the guys went off on how CNN is so biased and wrong in it's coverage of Iraq and all the good things the soldiers are doing. Thank god I wasn't drinking anything while driving, I would have had to clean it off the windshield. I stop the scanning and leave it on the station. Not only did the other male and female djs agree, the next fifteen minutes were about the good things in Iraq, and they actually called a soldier who's currently in Baghdad they had met at a "going away party" the radio station had held at Ft. Hood several months ago. They asked him about what the last 24 hours were like for him, how morale is, and how the Iraqi's really feel about Americans. The soldier sounded like a great guy, talked about life in Baghdad, mostly the lack of any sort of sewer system and waste management, and about how some sort of danger is a constant and a given and no big deal.

So yes, the tears were flowing as I pulled into the parking lot.

This afternoon while doing all my blog surfing I was reading the message boards on Strykernews and a soldier who's mom and girlfriend post there was killed the other day.

My heart breaks for them. I can only hope with all of my being I never have to post that something has happened to my Nerdstar. Every minute of every hour of every day over there brings the chance that a random mortar or IED (improvised explosive device) or bullet will hurt or kill her.

Tonight as I'm doing a little more surfing while watching the Mavs self destruct against the Kings, I run across this great overview of the Spirit of America drive to raise money to provide tv stations and broadcasting to Iraq and life at Camp Pendleton these days.

This time it's tears of hope and amazement at the generosity of people and, truly, the spirit of America.

Happy anniversary!

Hi again, long time no see, this is nerdstar and I just wanted to say happy anniversary of 5 years to my lovely porn queen, the love of my life, Beth! I don't know what I'd do, or where I'd do it without her! In this world where people are sometimes cruel and just plain weird, she gives me such shelter from all that icky stuff!
Even though I am in Iraq right now, I still am feeling as blushed and "innocent" when I think about her, and cannot wait to get back to her and the kids!
I just wanted her to know that I love her very much, and just wait until I get back home!

Numbers

The nice little counter over there reads 349 days. 157 of those she's been in Iraq. 45 days ago we said goodbye, again, at an airport and I walked away crying and breathless.

I don't even know how to describe or explain the constant sadness, missing, worry, frustration and general blahness that has made up 99% of every single one of those 349 days.

We think, if we're lucky, we've got around 200 more days to go. 550 days without my Nerdstar. Even just counting to 550 takes longer than I'd like to be apart from her. 550 hours is longer than some couples spend apart during their entire relationship.

Nerdstar Update

From her latest email:

Sorry that I wasn't able to be online yesterday or the night before. A total of 6 mortar rounds went off in the last 2 days/nights, and two of them went off about 30 feet away from where we were in the computer lab, I guess it was something of a sign that I shouldn't linger any longer in that area.

I am safe and sound though, so don't worry!

I went on a convoy to give the chief warrant her leave packet, we took the long way to the airfield and the ride was rough, we got tossed around the back of the truck somewhat, thank God that no one fell out of it!

I got so tired afterward that I just fell asleep, but not for too long, my roommate came back from her convoy and was bitching about how her bosses don't let her do anything on convoys anymore since her co-worker got hurt.

And this group needed help with getting someone from the med. clinic, a 22 years old had a heart attack while playing volleyball... supposedly, he had a pre-existing heart condition, so my question is, why is he even here?

Andy's 5 Questions

Yesterday Stephen wrote a post about Andy Rooney's 5 Questions to soldiers. I decided to take it to the source and emailed them to Nerdstar to get her answers. Here they are:

1. Do you think your country did the right thing sending you into Iraq?

My country would have done the right thing by sending me into Iraq with a specific duty, I did not come here just to be here and not do much of anything.
I am a supply clerk to a unit with minimal supply activity.

2. Are you doing what America set out to do to make Iraq a democracy, or have we failed so badly that we should pack up and get out before more of you are killed?

There is a lot of misunderstanding between the Iraqi people, what they wanted, and what we think they wanted. Military might will quell the conflicts for a
little while. There is a large distance between the common Iraqis and the so called leaders, to which, some of them already were in positions of power before
the coalition took over, and have very little clues as to what their people are going through. Sometimes, America does't have all the answers.

3. Do the orders you get handed down from one headquarters to another, all far removed from the fighting, seem sensible, or do you think our highest command is out of touch with the reality of your situation?

Extremely so, to the higher headquarters people, it's all about what they can present to their superiors that seems to be filling all the gaps. We've got cooks who are not cooking, supply clerks who are not doing supply operations, in general, there seems to be a lot of misplacement of personnels. Some of us, just plain don't have defined duties.

4. If you could have a medal or a trip home, which would you take?

A trip home, of course!

5. Are you encouraged by all the talk back home about how brave you are and how everyone supports you?

If the claims were only correct! Americans seem to go through phases of supporting the troops and then not so much so.

Too Much

What a difference a couple of days can make. When I was driving up to Dallas Saturday morning I was an emotional wreck and in tears. The stress of the past few days couldn't be ignored.

There were so many things I was grappling with. It's been one thing to have a general sense of worry about Nerdstar and missing her terribly. It was another thing altogether when her life was in much more real and imminent danger.

One of the obvious issues is where do I find comfort. Honestly, not really from anywhere other than hearing from Nerdstar herself that's she's alive and well, at least for the time being.

I tried praying Friday night and just couldn't for so many reasons. Mostly because I don't believe he's "there for me." I'm still struggling a lot with what kind of God I believe exists. Does praying for a particular soldier really make them any safer? Does God actually take an active interest in our individual lives? I used to believe that. But even if he does, does he in mine? I've reached out in the past few months to several people I used to be really close to when I was going to church. Even knowing how hard things are for me with Nerdstar being gone, at best the response has been total indifference. If I can't count on Christians to be supportive and understanding, then who could I count on?

Then there's the issue of feeling totally selfish. Yes, I'm all for a free and democratic Iraq - but not at the price of Nerdstar's life. Well, then who's life do I think it should be? Beats me.

There was more in there, but you get the picture.

The drive back to Austin was much more calm. I'm still worried, still don't have any answers, but I'm not as emotionally wrecked.

Technology is Nice

I got lucky and caught Nerdstar online this morning before their curfew set in and she had to go. In addition to the webcam, my brother has a mic I got to use so she could hear me! Even better, my parents and Zachary got home from church in time for Nerdstar to get to see Zachary on the webcam and they got to make faces at each other and she could hear him laugh.

There really is nothing like time with a soon to be 3 year old to brighten your outlook on things.

Nerdstar Update

This is part of an email I got from her this morning:

Sorry that I was not able to get on. We got bombed big time last night. The first one landed at the gym, and it injured about 25 people and killed one. There were firefights at the gates, and another bomb just exploded outside one of the gates. We had to get our full combat gear on and stay in buildings instead of
our trailers, and it'll be that way for the next two nights. I don't know if what's happening in Fallujah is coming up here, but they said that what happens or
doesn't happen in the next two nights will be a good indicator of what's to come.

I am alright, even though I was at the same gym just 30 minutes before. For some reasons, I decided not to work out at my usual work out time and opted for a work out about one hour earlier than usual. See, Nerdstar will live for a long time!

Double Damn

I'm so frustrated with our government I could spit nails. There's Michael Powell and the FCC instituting a nanny state in all areas of broadcasting. (Read the past few months of Jeff Jarvis if you're unaware of this.) Then there's Ashcroft thinking it's a good time to spend effort and energy and money on clamping down on porn. (Maybe if he got those clamps off his balls he'd lighten up some.) Throw in all this political bullshit 9.11 grandstanding just for good measure.

But what has me totally pissed is that the DoD can't seem to get it's shit together regarding how many troops need to be where when. My friend who's husband has already been in Iraq for a year in Baghdad just got word that instead of coming home in the next few weeks they'll be extending their time in Iraq for 120 days. Not only that, but they'll also be moving out from their camp to where there's no electricty and no communication home.

Tim got the same word about his wife Patti.

Not only that, but troops who had just come home two weeks ago thinking they were done with Iraq are being sent back in a week. That's highly unusual. Normally troops get at least six months before being redeployed to a hot zone. (Notice the word normally, this is what I've been told, which means it's probably not always true.)

I wrote a long time ago that if you're one big responsibility is logistics, why the hell can't the DoD do a better job of it. And if it's because they didn't see this little uprising happening then they should get their head out of their ass.

No, this doesn't affect Nerdstar at this point in time. November is too far away to have any idea what will be going on by then. As I've also written, this summer will be the real test of things. But it still has me totally pissed.

MORE:
I am in absolutely no way disparaging the troops over there or the hard work they are doing and the risk they are taking. I'm pissed at the bigger picture. I'd feel a lot better if our commander in chief were publicly speaking about the current situation and what is being done and is going to be done, or hell, if even Rumsfeld were giving us better information. I'd feel a lot better if there were any indication there will be any semblance of an Iraqi government to hand things over to. I'd feel a lot better if there were more Iraqis fighting alongside our troops.

STILL THINKING:
I'm sure it's a very basic fear that fuels a lot of this anger. I can't tell you how deep the fear of something happening to Nerdstar runs in me. It's making me an odd sort of superstituous. I keep thinking that if we're having any sort of good fortune now, as in being able to communicate regularly, then we'll pay a high price for it later.

But my fear isn't just for my Nerdstar, it's for any soldier I know over there or who's blog I read, or loved ones I know. I can't imagine anything worse than if one of the soldiers who's time is extended is killed over there when their loved ones feel they should have been home already instead.

Another post by Tim where he writes on why the word "soon" has no meaning when "never" is a possibility. I know exactly what he means!

Balance

I keep asking Nerdstar if she has any ideas or indications what the local Iraqi's are thinking and feeling. Mostly she doesn't. Spending all of her time on base, she gets her news about what's going on in Iraq from the same places I do - blogs and the internet. She's been friends with one of the local men who is contracted to help with interpretation and translating for a while now. She mentioned the other day that he and his family have been threatened and he's trying to get reassigned to a different camp. Hopefully she can talk with him before that happens and get his take on things.

In the meantime, there's always Zayed who blogs from Iraq. It's a nice balance to the doom and gloom of other media.

Update

Nerdstar and I got to IM again last night. She says there are still explosions several times a day around their camp, but nothing more serious yet. At that time her roommate had been gone 24 hours and she didn't know anything yet. I got this email from her this morning:

My roommate didn't get shot at, she's at the airfield, where the hospital is, as
well as everyone else on the convoy. I guess they are waiting until the person
who got shot gets somewhat recovered so they could come back. So I guess she's alright.

Good and Bad

Days like today are really, really hard on this military wife. It started off nice enough, I got to IM with Nerdstar again last night for over an hour. That means I got to sleep around 3 a.m. only to be woken up at 6:30 a.m. by more lightening that I've seen associated with a single storm in my entire life. Poor pets were all freaked out. Got back to sleep about 8 a.m. and woke up to the phone ringing around noon.

It was my Nerdstar! She borrowed a phone from some contractor so she had to call about three times before we got a decent line. It was about 9 p.m. in Mosul and she was worried about her roommate. Nerdstar had heard the convoy she was on had come under fire and they weren't back yet. It was kinda funny, you know in that ironic sort of way, Nerdstar said it was hard to wait because it wasn't like she could just pick up a phone and call her roommate and see how things were going. I just laughed. She got it.

Now it's almost 7:30 p.m. here in Austin and all over the news is all the fighting going on over in Iraq. I asked Nerdstar last night if things in Mosul were pretty quiet, she said "yes, mostly." I'm hoping that remains true.

It's five hours until our normal IM rendevous time and it's just hard not to be a nervous wreck, to not imagine the worst. I worry that even writing this will jinx things. I know how very lucky she and I have been to be able to communicate as much as we have. She was joking about how she's going to be a hippy when she's done with the military.

My heart goes out so much to the families of all the soldiers killed and injured this week. My friend's husband is supposed to be coming home in May and now the defense department is talking about how that could be delayed. I'd be pulling my hair out.

It's so very tempting from where I sit to say, ok, fuck it, let the Iraqis take care of themselves. Hell, we'll leave our tanks and weapons and ammo for them, but we're out of there.

Like I wrote in the movie post, all I can say is "Earn this."

update: local news reports there were 30,000 lightening stricks this morning.

The 1st. annual nerdstar's snacks for the troops drive!

Greetings from Iraq! This is nerdstar and I'd like to say thanks to those who sent me birthday cards and they really made my birthday! Some friends of mine treated me to the local Arabic restaurant on base and donated snickers bar to me, which I enjoyed it in a flash!

I'd like to request a favor, we'd really appreciate it if all or some of you faithful readers of this blog can donate some snack foods, nothing fancy, like ramen, m&m's, snack cakes, etc. and send it to :

Spc.
HHC 3-2 SBCT
APO AE 09385

We'd really appreciate it!

Update:
I don't think you can send too much beef jerky, dried fruit mixes, oreos, or even canned speghetteos.
Beth

Another update: She's also mentioned pens, writing pads, stationary, books, magazines, powdered drink mixes - unsweetened kool aid little packs, nuts.

So Sad

This is from Nerdstar's email:

It has been a pretty sleepy day so far, overnight, this infantry solider killed himself because (this is heresay) he got dumped by his girlfriend. No one has
said anything about it yet, this is typical 3rd. brigade, just like how they dealed with the rape at Camp Udairi.

The weather here was so hot that I had to turn the AC on for a while. I heard that they are also going to inspect all of our rooms for contrabands like alcohol, etc. because... get this they've actually got someone to go through trash and found jack daniels bottles. I say bring it on, and please clean out my room while you are at it.

I can't imagine how hard it is for a family to have a soldier be killed while over, but man, suicide that would be even harder. I can't imagine the stress and pressure and other crap that soldiers go thru being deployed. The army has psychologists and chaplains and try to do what they can for the soldiers, but it's still so hard to be deployed and away from home. Then if things back home aren't going well, and from what I hear lots of soldiers get breakup and divorce notices while away, I can only imagine how devastating that can be.

In going back thru all my entries trying to put them in categories, I was reading last night how mad I was at Nerdstar when she was finally sent to Iraq. But I also knew very quickly that I had to put all that aside and do whatever it took to help her get thru this. Because no matter how bad I think I have it here at home, she has it so much worse.

Nobody Does It Better

Than Lileks when he's really on. Here's the best analogy for what the "anti-war" crowd is really saying:
Imagine if you woke from an operation and discovered that your tumor was gone. You’d think: I suppose that’s a good thing. But. You learned that the hospital might profit from the operation. You learned that the doctor who made the diagnosis had decided to ignore all the other doctors who believed the tumor could be discouraged if everyone protested the tumor in the strongest possible terms, and urged the tumor to relent. How would you feel? You’d be mad. You’d look up at the ceiling of your room and nurse your fury until you came to truly hate that butcher. And when he came by to see how you were doing, you’d have only one logical, sensible thing to say: YOU TOOK IT OUT FOR THE WRONG REASONS. PUT IT BACK!

So what were all these people against, exactly?

Freedom. More freedom now than before, and yes it comes with peril; it always does, at first. But freedom is either in retreat, or on the advance. These people marched to protest the premature bestowal of freedom by exterior forces. Better the Iraqi people live under the boot for 20 years, and rise up and get slaughtered and rise up again and slaughter those who killed their kin, then have Bush push the FF button and get it over with now. Better they suffer for the right reasons than live better for the wrong ones.

Read the rest, check out that lovely picture.

Because as I learned sitting in on the interactive panels a week ago, these ideas aren't just held by the more activist people out on the streets.

Greetings from Mosul

Hi everyone! I am experiencing some residual jet-lag and a case of the sinus headache, what welcome back gifts they are! Everyone has been saying hello to me, nothing here has changed too much, depends on where you look at.

There are, a lot more people here, from different divisions and countries, that'll likely make this place more interesting. That's not to say that I'll know enough of them to really get the big picture.

Some of the air force guys have left to go home, lucky for them, they don't usually get deployed for more than 4 months, 6 at the most. One of them, who's sort of dating my roomate, has donated his stash of ramen, which is great because I have yet to feel the urge to eat dining facility food.

Speaking of dining facility, all the contracted female cooks at our facility got shipped to another facility. Words has it that our commanding officer thought that the female cooks are just walking temptations for the male soldiers, so they got shipped out...interesting. We now have a all-Phillappino male staff at the dining facility.

I am trying to get the sleeping routine right again, this morning, around 5 am, I woke up to the sounds of Isalamic prayer broadcasted via loudspeaker (very common in this neck of the woods, as well as the rest of Iraq, where loudspeakers are available), and couldn't go back to sleep for a while. I had forgotten about that, I guess I'll just have to get used to it and then tune it out all over again, that and the noises of jets flying all over the place, I guess it's to scare off the insurgents, I heard that they don't like loud jets.

I ran into this friend of mine from our linguist group (possibly my only female freind in that group), and she told me how she just doesn't feel the same about her marriage anymore. I was a kind of surprised to hear that but not overtly, because this time is a time of change for a lot of people. I think I've also changed in the way that I know that the b.s. and the personality differences are predictable and I am accepting it. I know that doesn't sound much from stuff like straying from spouses or the like, but I was really, really angry when I first got here...I'll talk about that part later.

I've got to go and look busy now, will write more later!

Back in Iraq

Hi again everyone! Nerdstar here and I just wanted to report that I am back in Iraq now, all jet-lagged but in one piece.

It was a series of long flights that took me back, but not long enough to keep me away from Iraq, sadly. I flew from Austin, to Atlanta, then Amsterdam and finally to Kuwait. I had a layover in Amsterdam for like 8 hours and despite some hesitation of my fellow travellers to go out and see historical downtown, I just went ahead and took the train down there. I must take Beth back there with me, the atmosphere there is so free and liberated, nothing is taboo over there, it seems. I took walks and took pictures of some of the buildings, got some postcards, and no, I did not get any hallucingenics, I mean, isn't this tour in Iraq hallucinating enough?

I miss Beth and the pets so much already, but even though there are still 8 more months that I'll have in Iraq, at least I can began to see the end of it. I am going to, once again, be a very grateful person when I get back stateside! I hope that, if there's one thing that I wanted for my birthday, is that we'll all come back safe and sound, because if we don't, then how are we able to tell our superiors to piss off when it's time to reenlist? (Not to put down anyone else who just loves the military lifestyle and wanted more of it!)

I will began, when I get back to my camp, to write more about the stuff that goes on there so you guys and gals can began to get a sense of things. I know that there are already many other blogs by the soldiers, but stick around and perhaps you'll find something different in this one!

Take good care, everyone!

FYI

Nerdstar's birthday is March 25, if you want to send a card or something, email me and I'll give you her address over there.

She made it safely back to Kuwait yesterday. I got a call from her both yesterday and today. She might be in Kuwait until next week, she can't seem to get a ride/flight back to the camp in Mosul. That's fine with both of us, it's much safer in Kuwait. There's also better food in Kuwait, she had Subway today. The only down side is she's back to sleeping on a cot in a tent.

I miss her a lot, and even though there's a lot of time until she gets to come home, it at least feels like we're on the downhill side of it all.

Iraq

Naturally, Nerdstar and I spent considerable time talking about not just her own situation over in Iraq, but the bigger picture as well. Now, Nerdstar is not a big picture person like I am. Give her a good meal, People magazine, snuggles, and our pets and she's content. Me, I'm partial to yelling at the news on tv.

I think it's stunning and fantastic that the Iraqi's have a new constitution today, even if it's an interim one. But, like Vodka Pundit, I am more than aware that it's now up to the Iraqi people on what they're going to do, to allow to be done, with their new freedom. As I wrote back when SH was first removed from power, I can not begin to imagine going from living under constant fear and oppression to having, at least on one level, real freedom. Nerdstar isn't really sure what the locals are going to do now or next. She's going to try to really keep her ears open for the feel of things over there once she gets back and write about it for us.

The hardest thing for her is still feeling like she has no real job or purpose over there, and says there are lots of soldiers in the same boat. When every little aspect of every job in the military is so specific - and in the past for good reason - it's very hard to go from a fighting army to a rebuilding one. Yet for all kinds of reasons, practical as well as political, the president can't very well start sending troops home just yet.

July is going to be the test of the past year and a half. Either the Iraqi's are going to figure out very quickly how to run a civil society or it's all going to go to hell. Nerdstar's afraid there is just too much bad blood between the different factions for them to let bygones be bygones. So, we have to keep our strong show of force over there until it all plays out. The most interesting option is that the new Iraqi government could very well tell us to get all our troops out of there asap. I can see where that would be very tempting for them. Hell, I would be thrilled to have Nerdstar home as soon as possible. I think she's going to be in a hell of a lot more danger come June/July.

Back to Lonely

Damn this sucks. I'm home from taking Nerdstar to the airport and running a couple of errands. I've never been so sad walking out of an airport. Now it's back to an empty house and an empty bed.

The two weeks were really great, fortunately time didn't feel like it was flying by. I'm pretty sure she set a record for money spent on two weeks leave!! One of our last stops this morning was mailing out a 23 pound care package of all the things she couldn't stuff or cram into her duffle bag or backpack.

I started getting sad Friday when we got back to Austin, knowing the time was limited and the upcoming time apart is going to be so long. She's so sweet though. Last night at dinner there was a pause in the conversation and I looked at her and thought if anything happens to her over there, this is one of the last memories I'll have with her, and I started to tear up. So she started acting all goofy and making me laugh. She did the same thing as we were saying our goodbyes at the airport.

Today is more putzing around the house, cutting the grass in our tiny backyard, catching up on tv shows I've recorded over the weekend, taking out tons of trash. Thursday starts the SXSW madness. And the weather is just about perfect for a motorcycle ride or two in the next few days. Back to filling up time.

Like I've said before, two things would make this all so much more bearable. A absolute guarantee she'll come home safe and sound, and an absolute return by no later than date. But neither life nor the military work like that.

Toughts at the end of my leave

Hi, it's nerdstar again, and I am near the end of my leave. I wish that it was for a longer time, or better yet, the end of this deployment. Just came back from visiting my family, and there wasn't enough time spent with both Beth and them. I don't know how exactly to reconcile the problems between me, my family, and her, I'll have the remaining time in Iraq to think about it, how do you even began to campaign for people to accept each other?
I am going to miss everyone a lot, especially Beth and the kids. (I've been petting them as much as I could.) I am going to keep on trying to stay safe, wake up my mind and body a little more, and wait for the time that I can finally go back home for good again!
I will be updating what's going on via this blog, hope y'all come and visit again soon!

Reunited and it feels so good

I'd have to say this has been one of the best weeks ever. I think it's perfectly normal when a loved one is gone for so long, like happens with the military, this little worry creeps in that it's going to be hard to readjust to them being home, both for them and for you. Fortunately, we had no such problems. It was just like Nerdstar hadn't been gone at all.

Normally in a year long deployment, the two week leave happens closer to the six month point. For the brigade she's with, that just wasn't possible. So, once she gets back to Iraq she's still got about eight months left over there. But I think it's been good for her to be home at this time. We both have a much better feel for what the other is going thru while she's gone. And being apart and going thru this homecoming and having it go so well helps be more confident for the future.

We're up at my parents' house for a couple of days. Zachary is so happy to see her!

We're still not sure how next week will go. Her family is just being so amazingly difficult. And there's no easy answer. No matter what she does they won't be totally happy with her. It's tempting to say screw it and just go to Vegas, but that's just not really an option.

Loving all things funny and sometimes stupid

Hi again! I just wanted to say this week has been great in my exposure to bad movies and shows on cable tv ("Joe's Apt.", "E-True Hollywood Story","Crank Yankers", just a few examples.), and I also got a few DVD with titles such as "Good Times-the first season", and a few Spongebob Squarepants DVDs. I also have been flooding Beth with lots of non-sequiturs, even though I know that as we prepare to goto our perspective families, there will be lots and lots of stress.
Humor is what is missing amongst the general body of soldiers in Iraq. I think it's one of the most important components of survival, whether or not you are a deployed soldier. Over where I am at, there are so much dramas and rumors about and between people, the frustration is more poignant when you add on the ban on sex, drinking, and the most important of all, free speech. (Some people say that the ban on sex is the worst of all, but I think some viewings of badly produced porn may just be the cure for that, but that's just what I think.)
I think it'll be interesting to see what becomes of this ban on everything, I, for one, will go back prepared. I have prepared a whole collection of funny movies and books to keep me connected to all things funny and sometimes stupid. Having Beth with me also relaxes me, and reminds me that what's out there is simply a badly constructed social experiment,and that there will be a end to it.

Very Nice!

It's so nice having my Nerdstar home!! It's great to not have to worry about her and how she's doing and if she's safe, to not have to wonder when I get to hear from her again. My mind can finally relax.

This week is all about food and sex and sleep. We'll hit all our favorite restaurants, do some shopping, maybe catch a movie, mostly relax.

Next week is all about family. Saturday we'll head up to Dallas to spend a couple of days with my family. Then Monday we drive to Houston to see her family. I think we've worked out the time with her family. Her uncle had requested that I not stay the nights at her grandparents' house. I would just send her down there by herself if it was only for a couple of days, but they really want her there as long as possible. I told her I couldn't give up that many nights of snuggling when it's going to be so very long until we see each other again. So we're going to get a hotel room and she's going to spend the days with her family and I get her at night. I'll probably spend one day with her and her family, but that'll be about it.

Yes, it's all kinda crazy. I try to be understanding about how her family feels. But it's always hard to have your relationship so disregarded. Poor Nerdstar always feels caught in the middle, and I hate that. But, this two weeks is all about my girl being happy, so whatever that takes I'll do.

It's good to be back!

Hi everyone! Almost fresh off of the plane from New York! After so many change of planes I am finally back on good ole US soil! It is so nice to finally take a shower, eat pizza, pet the pets, and you know...snack!! :-) It has been really cold from my stop in Athens and on, like this global freeze sort of thing!
I plan to take it easy for a few days, just concentrating on the Mrs. and the kids, and then deal with my genetic family, I look forward to seeing everyone! Not to mention some of the shopping that I will do for my fellow troopers (There's really not that many).
By the way, did I tell you how good it is not to be in my grungy, making everyone look sexless uniform?
Thanks for all the support, online or otherwise, so far! I am not going to think about my return to Iraq for as long as I can....all I can say is that how about we send Bush/Cheney back to Iraq instead of me? I'd like to see how long they'd last!
Ramen is giving me that "I need attention" stare, I must tend to him now! Later!

Coming Home

Kuwait to Athens
Athens to New York
New York to Atlanta
Atlanta to Austin

If all goes well, she'll be here at 10 pm tomorrow!!!

Whew!

Nerdstar finally made it to Kuwait! I got the only acceptable kind of wake up call at 6 this morning, her telling me she's that much closer to home. She still doesn't have a set itenarary, but we do know that they're going to fly her all the way to Austin instead of just to Dallas, that's a good thing! But it could be 12 or 24 or 36 hours before she flies out of Kuwait.

I think since I'm up so early it's time for some Krispy Kremes!

Bleh

This is when being a military wife sucks. I haven't heard from Nerdstar since that email I posted parts of yesterday, about 36 hours or so ago. I'm not even sure where she is. I don't know if she was going straight from Mosul to Kuwait or going thru Baghdad. She said she'd call once she got to Kuwait. But I've also read the line to use the phones in Kuwait can take up to four hours.

Traveling is one of the most dangerous things soldiers can do over there. And while I'm not terribly worried, it's not all sunshine and light in my head. I won't really stop worrying until she's in my line of sight. And right now I don't know when that will be.

It's odd, the closer she's getting to home, the more worried I get.

YIKES! Nerdstar Update

I am at the airfield now, thankfully, there is a internet cafe across the street. While we are holding for the plane to take us to Kuwait, we'll be staying in the lovely tent!

I am not suprised that there was a long wait for phones in Kuwait, but hopefully, I will be in luck when I get there.

Last night, a mortar round exploded about 30 feet in front of me, I was standing with my 1st. sgt., and it was loud! I sort of froze there and then collected whatever senses that I had and ran to get my combat gear on. For as many times as they have been trying to shoot us, I am glad that most of them shoot terribly!

I can't wait to get back to you too! I was telling my roomate, "guess what? I am going to have some sex"! throughout the evening.

Not the same

I'm pretty much tuned out to the whole Valentine's Day stuff. I sent Nerdstar's gift box about three weeks ago and she got it a week early. Which is better than a week late! V Day is the first of four big days in Feb. March and April. Both of our birthdays are in March and then our anniversary is in April. Those are the three days I'll miss her the most! Because our birthdays are two days apart we try to do something really fun. Vegas for your birthday ain't bad! And this is our five year anniversary so it would have been nice to be together.

All I can say is that next year - watch out!

279

My Nerdstar has been gone from home 279 days, 87 of those she's been in Iraq.

I guess I try not to pay too much attention to every single day. Especially being unemployed and having to find ways to fill up all the time, it's all really bluring together. My wacked out sleeping schedule just makes it all worse. I swear 2:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. have become interchangeable in terms of what I'm doing at either one. Each can find me watching tv, surfing the internet or sleeping, it's all the same. I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just saying that's how it is for the time being.

I was going to go up to Dallas and spend a few days with my family, hang out with little Zachary this week, but my brother called and since the following Monday is our Mom's birthday, it's better if I wait a week. Now I'm at the start of another six days and nights to fill up.

A bright spot on the horizon is that Nerdstar's two weeks of leave during this year deployment are probably going to happen pretty soon. She has a very tentative travel date of Feb. 20th. Two weeks from now. It's a bit early in the year deployment, but I don't care. Of course, nothing is absolute with the military until she's actually on the plane!

The other night while lying in bed and missing my girl I decided that telepathy would be a great thing. Ok, not uncontrolled mass telepathy, but the kind where I could send her little thoughts on how much I miss her and she could do the same would be very nice.

We actually got to IM for over an hour today while she was working the graveyard shift. That always helps!! I haven't posted any updates from her lately because fortunately, things for her are really quiet and boring over there. They can stay that way as far as I'm concerned.

Once again I'd like to say thanks to everyone who sends us will wishes and prays for her safe return and all. It means a lot to both of us!!

Nerdstar and pets

I got to hear my Nerdstar's voice today. You can't imagine how nice that is! They're starting to work out the schedule for their two weeks leave. I might get to see her in the next four to six weeks :-) It's a little early in the deployment, but I don't care. I'll take her any time I can get her!

She's so cute. Her one request today is that I send a big box of dog treats! There are some stray dogs around their camp and she wants to take care of them even a little bit! If it wouldn't cost a small fortune I'd send a big bag of dog food.

I told her that in order to sleep without being jumped on, I've had to close the bedroom door and keep Little Man out. So what does Little Man do? He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. I keep finding him like that when I have to go pee in the early morning. He used to do this in our old apartment, but hasn't in a long time. But the past three nights I've closed him out he's done it. Freak!

Still Boring

Once again I find that a boring life makes for a boring blog. Sorry dear readers!

The highlight of my day was finally getting my taxes done. I knew I'd be getting a refund, and I need the money. Now I just have to decide what takes priority, probably getting my motorcycle fixed. Very soon the weather will be perfect for long afternoon rides!

On a good note, things are boring for Nerdstar, too!! She's back to working over night "babysitting the radio and the weapons." Her roommate is being a floozy, so Nerdstar says it's just as well she's working nights. At least the airforce guys are being nice and checking on her throughout the night. From what she's said Airforce guys are the nicest. I wonder why.

I finally got smart and figured out a good alternative to those fake chew bones for Ramen, I picked up a package of beef soup bones. I boiled them and gave him one. It's kept him very busy and is lasting much, much longer.

Woohoo

If I have to be woken up by the phone ringing, it sure is nice to have the voice on the other end be Nerdstar!! What a nice surprise! She says she can now tell the difference in what an incoming IED (improvised explosive device) and RPG (rocket propelled grenade) sounds like. Great. Fortunately the guys firing them are lousy at it. Her poor roommate is just nice enough and good looking enough that she constantly has guys hitting on her. When it's probably about a 400 or 500 to 1 ratio of men to women I can only imagine. Still no word on when she might get her two weeks leave. She's been lucky so far in not betting sick. There was a stomach virus going around and her roommate got the flu. Sounds like she's hanging in there.

Small Sample

It's hard to explain just how much Nerdstar's life is all about food, or how random our conversations can be. This is just a small sample of our IM in the wee hours of the morning:

bethlyn327: i'm so ready for you to be home
cinchsack: I am ready to be home!
bethlyn327: so we can travel around
bethlyn327: Vegas, NYC
cinchsack: yes
bethlyn327: and anywhere else you want
cinchsack: cake town
cinchsack: cheese city
bethlyn327: nerd
cinchsack: heheheh
cinchsack: that would be so nice!
cinchsack: ice cream mountain
cinchsack: pizzaville
bethlyn327: i'm so glad you fantasize about food and not other women!
cinchsack: you should know that by now
cinchsack: you and food
cinchsack: food and you are on the top of my list
cinchsack: of course, you are on the very top
bethlyn327: it'll be a month of nonstop food and sex when you get back
cinchsack: that's right!

Woohoo

Sometimes it actually pays to be a complete insomniac!! I just got to spend over an hour in an IM with my Nerdstar! That was great. She's not sure when they'll have phone access and I'll get to hear her voice, but it was nice to communicate in real time!

She's settling in pretty well in the new camp. She really likes her roommate and the guys she works with, and that has helped her to feel a lot better about things.

It feels like she's been gone forever, but really we're still just getting started in this year long separation. I'm just glad she's not miserable!

Nerdstar Update

It's raining here too, it's the rainy season in Mosul, I don't know about the rest of Iraq. I don't have a job/job yet, and neither does my "brother", but it really doesn't bother me too much. I go on mail convoys every other day and I guess when things are up and running, they'll make me one of the mail clerks.

My convoy rides have been pretty safe so far, the most "hostile" thing that has ever happened to me so far was this little boy sticking his tongue out at us, we all laughed. Most of the kids and some of the adults in the city just waved at us or gave us thumbs-up signs.

Brown and Root contracts the food and the living facilities here, and the food is a lot better. They live slightly better than we do, and have access to civlilian vehicles, plus they get paid a lot more, and their rules are not as strict, but there's got to be a reason why a lot of them were ex-military... the lower level workers can get jerked around a lot.

I miss you, and it seems like now the realization that there has been no sex (at least for me), and other kinds of intimate contacts are sinking in, for some it's more diffucult than others. :-(

I will write more to you soon, I get to use the net at about, so far, every other day... I will hopefully in time get into a routine about stuff, and use the net more often... now if I can just find the phone so I can call you!

Sigh of Relief

I wasn't expecting to hear from Nerdstar for at least several more days, so getting an email from her this morning really brightens my day. Here are some excerpts about what's she's up to now:

I've just arrived at Mosul yesterday, they put us up in small trailers, I am rooming with a very quiet girl from the psychological operations group, they do the pamphlets and other media stuff to get people to like us.

I don't know where I'll be working at yet, but not too worried right now, I just got here, no need to hurry on anything.

I am just trying to find out where everything is around here, I am sitting in one of Saddam's palace, we are in a complex with high walls and at least 3 palaces, of course, they've converted the biggest palace for operations planning and the rest of the palaces have been bombed out and needs repair, but they are still standing.

Internet here costs $2.00 a hour, not too bad.

I live next to one of the translators, a very nice guy, he treated us to Iraqi styled lunches,tea, even got me a pure wool blanket so I wouldn't get cold... don't worry, I paid him for it, it was only like $10.00. The color was pretty tacky but at least it works like a charm!

Troops Moving

Whenever I manage to drag myself out from under my cozy down comforter, I turn the tv to CNBC to get a feel for how the market is doing and if I might be making a few bucks on my stocks, then I switch to Fox News to make sure my life and world aren't in immediate danger.

I caught a decent story about the huge troop movement going on over in Iraq. They're going to bring home close to 100,000 soldiers who have been there way over a year. From what I know, Nerdstar's people are replacing the 101st near Mosul. On the bulletin boards on StrykerNews I've read that some of the advance people are already there. The guy on Fox News was saying that there is going to be some overlap of personnel in locations and that's a good thing so the new guys can talk to the old guys about how it all works in that locations. Makes sense to me. My guess is that Nerdstar is part of the people bringing up the rear and while they have to move to the new location, there still won't be room for them for a while.

I think I feel a little less worried about this move with so many soldiers moving around. It makes my Nerdstar's truck less of an obvious target.

In reading those bulletin boards I've also learned that Nerdstar and I have been damn lucky to be able to email as much as we have. A lot of families haven't heard from their soldier since they left Kuwait several weeks ago.

Word is, there will be a lot more internet and phone access, not to mention hot showers finally, once they get settled into the new camp.

I'm worried, until she's actually in my sight I'll worry, but I'm not panicked.

Damn

Just when I was getting into the grove of not worrying about Nerdstar I get this email from her today:

Well, now they've finally made up their minds and we are actually going to move in the next two days, so that means by tomorrow, we will not have any more net access. We are actually not going to stop by our final destination, but we've got a two week pit stop at this alleged hellhole where we'll have to sleep in our trucks... it'll suck...

I will keep writing in my journal for you, and when I can, send it snail mail. This trip up North will be more dangerous than before, and I've got totally different passengers than last time, I hope all of us will make it safe.

Nerdstar Update

The trouble also is, now when I write letters, I can't even send them because they took the mailbox away, and tore down the mail sorting tent! We don't even know when we are going up to Mosul!

DVD player is in storage until I get to Mosul, where we are more settled, I am using the DVD player from the folks that I work for to watch DVD's.

I am making friends and making conversations, mostly from the supply section people that I have worked with. Random people at the tent that I live in, and there is an Iraqi translator who used to be an admiral in the Iraqi coast guard who has been the nicest person so far, he loaned me his wool blanket before I got the poncho liner because I was feeling cold, too bad that I've got to go back to my company tent to hang out with him because he sleeps in the same tent with my useless leadership. I will try to take some pictures and write more in a letter or two.

I haven't done much in the last few days, today the PX truck came from another camp, and after hours of waiting, I finally got into that little PX trailer, I had only 3 minutes to shop. I got 3 tins of Vienna sausage, and two tins of Chef Boyardee spaghetti.

Updates

I haven't posted much about Nerdstar because there hasn't been much to tell. They still haven't started the move to the new camp. She has sporadic internet access and I'm always thrilled to get emails from her. She's still working overnight doing supply.

For a different look at things in Iraq, Deeds is a blog by one of the many CPA workers trying to figure out the actual rebuilding of Iraq. If you want an inside look at what "we're" doing to make things better over there, go read now.

About 1,500 people work in the palace. That may seem like a large group, but it is pitifully small given the task of repairing the entire country after so much neglect, building the infrastructure, and creating policy and procedure, all while trying to stay safe.

Mail Low Down

Here's an informative story on the trouble the Stryker Brigade has had getting their mail, glad to see they're getting it all sorted out (no pun intended). So far we've had decent send times on the stuff going to Nerdstar. I'm not surprised to read that part of the mail delays were because of evil Hillary Clinton! (hi Abby!)

After...

The kid loves to open packages! This Christmas was all about trains and hot wheels. Two hot wheels carrying cases and at least two different kinds of trains. I moved my parents into modern times a little by getting them a dvd player. It was christened with Finding Nemo. I think Zach will like it a lot eventually, there were just too many new toys to play with to sit still.

So now the food's all eaten, the new toys all played with, and if it were up to me, the beds wouldn't be empty!

Blogging and reading blogs at my parents' house is a little tricky. I certainly don't want my family to read this site (somehow it's just a little more info than I want them to have), which is easy to achieve seeing as they don't even have a computer in the house. But, when I've got the laptop with me and the easiest place to set it up is in the living room on the foot stool in front of the big cozy chair, naturally, they want to know what I'm reading. Uh, nope.

My best gift today was a phone call from Nerdstar. She said the food was good, but she didn't get a shower. I'm sure she'd rather have a good meal than a shower anyway! All we can really say is that next Christmas has to be better!!

Loneliness

The holidays are supposed to be the worst time for those who are lonely. Amen to that! I have a feeling it's being helped by pms, but damn is loneliness setting in hard. I've had a lot of fun having Zachary around. He is truly a bundle of sunshine. To see his cute little face as we're going to sleep and he looks over at me, grins his cute little grin and says "hug" and wraps his arm around me - wow. Or when he wakes up in the morning and says "B, wake up" with that same huge grin. Those moments are what life should be made of.

But having him here these few days, and taking him to eat and seeing all the families doing dinner in the midst of all the seasonal insanity, well, it just makes me so much more aware that we don't have kids yet, and we can't even begin to try again until Nerdstar finally makes it home. And it makes me feel old and alone.

Heading back to my parents' house tomorrow might do a lot to increase the noise level in my life, but it doesn't always do much to ease the loneliness.

And if I'm feeling this sad and lonely, well hell, how much worse must Nerdstar feel, being truly alone and far from home and family.

So if you get a chance in the next couple of days, email her and let her know she's in your thoughts. It means a lot to both of us.

Cold and shot at Nerdstar

Having a good time with the little monkey? I just changed into a pair of ski socks that I got at REI before I left, man, this cold just seeps thru all the corners of the body! I've got cotton, polypro layers, plus my uniform, a friend's polypro jacket (we as reservists, never even got issued those), this big, black jacket that looks more like the stuff that people wear when they climb Mt. Everest or somewhere like that.

We got attacked at the base, the Iraqis fired AK-47's and mortar rounds at us, the location was like 200 yards from my evening work tent. I guess we've suppressed their fire, according to the radio transmissions that I've heard.

Right now, most people are in their combat gears, in case if anything else happens... the attack was about 2 hours ago. I heard that they roused everyone who was asleep up to run into the bunkers that were dug... man, that must suck!

Don't worry, nerdstar is alright, I was chewing on a piece of turkey jerky stick when I ran out of our tent... there were people who were like, "hey, don't smoke"! I was like, "it's a piece of jerkey stick that I'm chewing on"! hhahahahhaaahahaha! I know, it wasn't all that funny, but I tried.

That's My Girl

I finally got a phone call from Nerdstar right about 1 am, the Air Force guys she's working with let them use their satellite phone. I guess I'm not worrying too much because my first thought wasn't about the call being bad news, it was "oh yeah! My girl is calling." She's also getting more internet time and I got this in an email from her:

"I will probably be able to do more e-mailing than phoning, I don't really think they are going to set up the phone service anytime soon, but there is internet connection in the supply room, and I've volunteered to work overnight so I could have more net access.

Don't worry, I don't think I'll ever be in a stryker again, I made my lack of liking for that vehicle fairly clear to my chain of command. Let the infantrymen have their vehicles and let me have my 5 ton truck, at least I can see where I am going!

Thanks for making the REI trip for me! It really would come in handy when the really cold weather strikes! Can I ask you for another favor? Goto starbucks and get a few bags of coffee (3-4 bags, pre grounded)one type of each blend. Why coffee you ask? Well, I found out that it's a way to get to the air force's good side, so that there can be more chances for me to use their phone, and watch their DVD's. (This sgt. has a extensive collection of Southpark DVD's!) No big hurry on that though."

That's my girl - wheeling and dealing and bribing people! I'm laughing, you have no idea how that's not the image people who know her have of her. She always comes across as nice and quiet. Me, I'm not too surprised, just impressed! And yes, I'll be making a trip to Starbucks pretty soon.

Another Nerdstar Update

This pretty much sums it up about what we are doing, 4th. Infantry Div. (4th. ID) is in charge of us.

I went on a recon mission on a stryker, they were using me to do body searches on females detainees... well, we didn't have any that day, but I did get to ride in a stryker for about 12 hours, and let me tell you, it's a bad idea if you are even slightly closterphobic! I was stuffed inside the vehicle with 11 men, and I don't like not being able to see where I am going! Thank God that's over!

Nerdstar Update

I just want to tell you that I am safe so far, living is still a kind of miserable, but I am getting used to it slowly.

I don't know if I am losing weight, but my clothes are looser fitting, and I guess I will let you be the judge of that! But I am still eating like a pig because of the coolness of the climate and the physical stuff that we go thru at times.

I am glad that they've got Saddam, but I don't know if it will change our times for being here, I am hoping that it'll be a shorter stay in Iraq also!

I rode in the stryker for 12 hours yesterday! It was one of the most cramped, and clusterphobic experiences in my life! I can't write too much more about it here, the line is not secure.

(I edited out the personal mushy stuff, don't want you to think there wasn't any.)

Stryker Brigade Update

Update by the embeded reporter.

I still haven't heard from Nerdstar, other than that four sentence email, so I don't have any idea really what her every day activities are. I don't assume she's out on any of these patrols or anything, being a supply clerk. But I know they had her driving a big truck and she's certified to drive the hummers. I'll feel much better once I hear from her.

The personal side

While I'd like to hope and think that the events of the past 24 hours would mean that my Nerdstar will come home earlier, I can't say I think that will be the case. There is still much to be done in Iraq. I'm sure that with the pending trail of Saddam things will still be tense there, and then the expected transfer of power to an Iraqi government this summer will also need a lot of supervision.

Also, even if the Defense Department feels they can reduce the number of troops in Iraq, most of them have been there longer than Nerdstar and the Stryker Brigade. She's not exactly at the front of the line to come home.

My biggest hope is that these events mean that Nerdstar and all of our soldiers will be safer while they have to be there. I'd trade soon for safe any day!

Thank God

Oh My God. You just never know what the hell you're going to read when you turn on the computer or hear when you turn on the news. I was looking at the Tacoma newspaper site trying to find news about the Sryker Brigade and see a caption about Saddam being captured. So I turn on Fox News - and sure enough, they really have him. I can't believe it. I'm almost in tears. I think I'm one of those who wish they'd found him dead - it would certainly make things more simple. But, thank God they found him and captured him. I can't imagine the relief the people of Iraq are feeling today. Wow.

Update:

Links with lots of info:
Command Post
Michele
Instapundit He's got some great posts about the elite media response - bastards!
And of course, Mr. Jarvis with his links to the Iraqi blogs themselves.

One Down

My poor Nerdstar has been overseas for a month now. One down, probably eleven more to go. We knew she wouldn't be able to call or email much once they got to the new camp. Apparently, that's more true than I would like. I hadn't heard from her at all for a week. This morning I just got a short email saying she's safe and adjusting. It sucks unbelievably to not be able to talk to her, to hear her voice and get a better idea of how she's doing, to not share to even a small extent the shit she's going thru.

This is when I wish I had much better writing skills. That I could come even close to accurately describing how hard this is. How long the days and nights are. How the levels of worry and fear and dread fluxuate but never go away. To only be able to imagine how hard all of this is for her, and to be so far away and unable to help her get thru it at all. Yes, I email her every day, and send letters and stuff, but it seems so feeble. She's far from home, with nothing familiar around, worried about her grandparents, about me, the pets, her safety. I might be lonely, but I have our home, pets, family. I'm sure she worries about life moving on without her. It takes an extraordinary amount of trust to get thru a year like this.

I got one of her pay stubs in the mail today - extra pay for "hostile fire." Yeah, that makes me feel better. I'll say it again and again, this just sucks.

This sucks

It's already starting. Nerdstar's finally moving into Iraq, as posted about previously. I'm sitting here this evening catching up on some blog reading and I've got cable news on in the background. I hear some short blurb about two soldiers in the Stryker Brigade being killed on a bridge during a convoy. UGH. I don't know any of the details. I haven't found the story online yet. I'm not panicked or anything, but I wonder how long it takes from the time of the death until the Red Cross shows up at the door. You know, thoughts like that.

This latest update by the embeded reporter of mishaps does nothing to make me feel better either. Neither does playing the numbers game - there are X number of soldiers in Iraq total, Y of them in the same brigade as Nerdstar and Z% of them will be killed and U% of them hurt. I think there are about 4000 in her brigade - so every time I hear someone is killed or hurt without knowing who it is - there's a 1/4000 chance it's her.

No, I'm not driving myself crazy with worry 24/7. I'm not obsessively watching or listening to the news or anything. But this is really, really hard.

Stryker Brigade update

The embeded reporter from Tacoma had this story in the paper today. The Brigade made it's way to this camp in stages. Nerdstar and company are pulling up the rear, so they're on their way there over the next few days. She said she's not even sure how long they'll be in this location before having to move again. A couple of weeks ago she managed to obtain a small, thin matress and to find a place for it in the truck she's driving. If the cots don't arrive before she does, she said she can always sleep in the back of the truck. NONE of this sounds fun to me!! She also wasn't sure when she'd get a chance to shower again, check email again, or call again. Laundry has been a constant problem.

I miss my girl a lot. I try not to worry as much as I miss.

Speaking Of...

Speaking of Nerdstar. I finally got a phone call from her today. The last one was 9 days ago. It helps so much to hear her voice, to hear about what her days and nights are like, to hear what's on her mind. She's sounding a little better, more resigned to the situation, a little less angry.

What a year this is going to be for both of us individually. I mean, I can only imagine to a small degree what she's going thru. Even if it turns out to be a totally harmless, safe, boring even, year for her, it's still life changing. And my goal is certainly to change my life. And to do all this with limited communication makes it harder.

I guess this is the nitty gritty of commitment. This is where those invisible bonds hold everything together.

Nerdstar Update

We are going to depart Kuwait on Sunday, it'll be a 3 day journey, first two days are not expected to be dangerous, but the third day will be. The people who have gone up there so far had not reported any ambushes.

Do you remember the girl who got raped? Well, we had a Lt.Col. come to talk to us last night, he said that the investigator said that there was no rape and that the girl might have made up or staged the whole thing. I don't know that girl personally, but a lot of the people who knew her swore that she was telling the truth, so someone is trying to cover up stuff. I thought that it was not fair for someone like that to make any comments about the investigation while it's still going on. I don't think a lot of the females feel safe amongst 3rd. brigade. I am just so sick of this army game, you know?

Nerdstar Update

They hadn't caught the rapist yet, apparently, he not only raped her but also beat her up pretty badly. Go to www.tribnet.com, that imbeded reporter has a story on it. I am about to go and read it myself.

I think we'll be driving up into Iraq before the week is over, if you had not heard from me for more than 3 days, chances are good that I am on the road now. It'll take us driving 3 days, at 12 hours a stretch, to get up to where we are going. I will be driving a 5 ton truck with our high-maintenanced xo as my passenger, and I will try to suppress my urge to punch him in the face when this is all over, he's so anal retentive it hurts!

Nerdstar mentioned the rape to me in an email a few days ago. The news story linked above is a good one. The reporter is from Tacoma and is embedded with the unit.

I cannot imagine how pissed I'd be if that happened to me while I was on active duty. Nerdstar said she hope the girl gets to go home. I don't know if she will or not. Maybe after the investigation.

That story, and this new story by the same reporter do absolutely nothing to make me worry any less.

Nerdstar's Thanksgiving

We were supposed to go to the weapons range, got up at like, 4 in the morning, got in our vehicle and parked it in a convoy formation, then, 6 am came and they told us to go to the chow hall to eat a quick breakfast, and when we came back, we were told that there's a halt to the movement because someone's weapon got stolen or have lost it. So we had to stay in our vehicle or around it, I drove a big ole 18 wheeler like vehicle (it actually has 8 wheels), because my
"brother" lost his license. I've been getting a lot more driving time in that vehicle, I think I should be able to drive that on the convoy, but no.

So I took a nap, listened to some radio, laughed at stupid jokes for a bit.

We then were sent to lunch, and at lunch, they had beef, turkey, and ham! Also fake champagne, apple pies with whipped cream , shrimp cocktail, and mashed potatoes! Not bad, but home is still better though!

Supposedly Miss America came here during lunch time, but no one saw her, I bet she got off the plane and said "oh fuck this place!" and took the next flight back home! :-)

It has been really hot today, and I was hallucinating a bit, for some reasons, I thought about Zachary a lot.

They kept up in our vehicles til' 2 in the afternoon, then they had a stupid formation where someone said that there were also over $10,000 worth of merchandises stolen from our tiny ass px, so they sent us all to our tents and searched thru. all of our bags, I heard that they didn't find anything. Typical army.

Maybe we'll have to do what we should have done today tomorrow, but as of
right now, I haven't heard anything yet.

Ended the day, at the last minute, filling our sandbags again.

Update

I got another call from Nerdstar this morning. It helps so much just to hear her voice! She's still having a really, really hard time dealing with being there, being frustrated and angry and miserable. Ok, actually, it's getting a little better. Poor thing has to spend Thanksgiving and the next three days at a weapons range. Then early next week they're supposed to start their trek into Iraq. So feel free to send her warm thoughts, prayers, and emails!

I made it up to Dallas from Austin in decent time, but even from 10 to noon there was already more traffic than usual. I can't imagine the parking lot I-35 will be this evening.

It's a little hard to be thankful this year - I'm working on it. But a year is a damn long time to be apart. Just think how long ago last Thanksgiving feels, and how far from now next Thanksgiving feels. Because, if we're lucky I'll have Nerdstar home for next Thanksgiving! She's already planning all the things she'll eat!!

Scary

I got a call from Nerdstar this morning. Her morale is still pretty low, but she's hanging in there. As every other soldier over there has commented on, she's stunned by the sand and dust.

She's with this Stryker Brigade. Info like this and other info she's given me in the past few days is why I'm so worried for her. They sent 300 of these vehicles over there and I'm sure that they'll be in the news a lot during December once they start moving and heading toward their mission.

Nerdstar Update

Excerpts from emails she's sent me:

It seems like it'll be tent living for us for at least the next 6 months, the so called “mission” has changed. No living in the trailer park environment like they've first advertized, and shower may not be readily available once we leave Kuwait.

Man, it sucks here, all of us are coming down with some sort of respiratory ailment, I heard that this guy has already came down with pneumonia! But at least we are safe so far.

Our acting first sgt. is trying to get neck gators for us so we don't breathe in more sand than we needed to... we'll see what happens to that. They issued more of that stuff to the people on active duty than the reservists, even though we are pretty much doing the same damn things... speaking of army of one... I think that it's all bullshit.

I don't think the morale is high here, we all miss home and all the people and comforts.

For now I am still stuck with the headquarters team, without a job really. The acting 1st. sgt. is in the same boat as I am. Right now what's keeping me busy is maintaining the vehicles that we've got.

I heard that our mission will now be more of a offensive mission, and we'll probably be living in tents for the rest of the year because they wanted us to be "more mobile".... they can bite my ass!

I am feeling sad too for not being with you and the kids. Just hoping that the year will go by fast, or maybe in 6 months they'll not need us anymore... not that they need us now.

Communication

I got another 6:15 a.m. call from Nerdstar. I'll take them whenever I can get them! They're at camp Udairi for about three weeks, then I think they start their convoy into Iraq. That's when I'll really have a hard time not worrying myself silly.

I keep thinking about all the movies I've watched about WWII and how long those soldiers were gone, and how long they had to wait for letters to get back and forth, and the real sacrifices the people back home had to make. I know how lucky I am to be going thru this with the help of email and satellite phones and the internet, and biased as they may be, even the news coverage.

It helps tremendously to read the blogs of soldiers who've been to Iraq and back or who are still there. I think it's helped Nerdstar too, to know what to expect. It really is amazing to me, the power of this new form of communication. I think if she'd been in that first wave of soldiers sent over this would be much, much harder. Even her being at Ft. Lewis for so long helped soften the blow of her being in an actual war zone. I'm not having to adjust to her being gone AND worrying about her safety. I miss her terribly and am ready for her to be home, but I'm pretty adjusted to being alone for now.

And thanks again to all of you who have left comments!!

1st Saturday

I got a call from Nerdstar at 5:30 this morning. She's already in Kuwait. That just seems so weird to me. I'm sure it's even more strange for her - going from the overly green Seattle area to the completely brown desert of Kuwait. I spent about two and a half hours this morning getting a little package ready to send to her and mailing it out.

Other than that it just seems very surreal. I support this war. I think the people of Iraq deserve every chance at freedom. Nerdstar having to be over there doesn't change any of that. I've kept up with what's going on over there, and I still will. I'm optimistic that another year of our troops being over there will see changes we can't quite bring ourselves to hope for yet.

When Nerdstar was on active duty at Ft. Lewis it seemed more like a job than real military service for both of us. Now it's real. And I'm proud of her.

Bad News

Well, it’s official, Nerdstar gets on a plane around 5 a.m. Pacific Time Friday morning. I'll get to talk to her tonight, and hopefully once more tomorrow, then it'll be a while before we talk again. It’ll take them about three days to get to Kuwait. She’s not sure exactly how long they’ll be in Kuwait unloading all their equipment that’s being shipped over, or where she’ll be after that. She’s going to be with the command unit, maybe even be their hummer driver.

The other day I was wondering what we’d done last New Year’s Eve, and I looked thru my archives and was reminded that we spent last New Year’s apart as well because of a fucked up job situation on her part.

I feel like I’m right on the edge of just completely falling apart. Oh, sure I can make it thru the days ok. But I dread crawling into bed because I know I’ll come undone once I do. There are so many emotions, big, strong emotions. Fear, anger, dread, sadness. They fight for who gets felt the most.

I’m so angry at Nerdstar for putting us in this position. But I can’t be mad at her, because I know she’s feeling just as badly as I am. I keep reminding myself this has to be so much harder for her, and I really have to/want to make this as easy on her as I can. And, I’m angry at life for always fucking with me.

I’m so deeply sad at the thought of her being away from home for another year. I don’t want to go thru the next year without her, the holidays, our birthdays, our anniversary.
I don’t want to be alone. I was alone for a long time, finally found someone I really enjoy living with, sharing my life with, and now she’s not here with me.

And I’m scared to death of so many things. There’s some small part of me that is totally convinced that once she gets on that plane for Iraq I’ll never see her again, that she’ll be killed over there. I’m scared that our relationship won’t survive this year apart. That one of us will change too much.

I’ve been physically ill the past two weeks over all of this. I’m not sure the next two weeks will be any easier. I have a lot of decisions to make. When I want to quit my job. How to fill the time when I do quit. What I want to do for New Year’s. Basically, how to get thru the next year without going crazy.

I know there are hundreds of thousands of family members of military people going thru this. That just isn't very comforting. Especially since there's not really a support group I can sign up for.

Sigh. Keep on keeping on, that's about the only choice huh?

Who knew

Nerdstar is 90% sure today's the day she finds out if she's coming home or getting on a plane for Iraq Friday night. Me, well, I'm falling apart. But, I don't want to write a long post until I know for certain what's going on.

In other news, I picked up a box of Nilla Wafers the other day at the store. It's been a long time since I've had some, and they seemed like a good comfort snack. I finally grabbed the box and settled into watching tv on the sofa last night. I pulled out the first one and it seemed a little dark to be a Nilla Wafer, I thought, hmmmm, they burnt one. Then the next one I pulled out was the same color. Weird, a whole box of burnt Nilla Wafers. Darn, I really wanted some. I check the box and it says, "Chocolate Nilla Wafers". HUH? When did they start making those?? I tried one, they didn't taste like chocolate or Nilla Wafers. So very wrong!

Strykers

IF Nerdstar is shipped to Iraq in the near future, she's headed over with the new Stryker Unit. I have a feeling John would think those are pretty cool. So far she's not too impressed with them.

Anatomy of a Decision

I’ve written before about how hard I find it to make decisions sometimes. (oh no, not this stuff again.) But that doesn’t stop my brain from making contingency plans for my contingency plans.

I’m still very tempted to quit my job this Friday and take off on the road Sunday or Monday. After a day and a half, I still haven’t been given a decision on the request I made for two weeks off. That’s kinda odd in our office. I wonder if they are worried I’ll quit if they tell me I can’t take the time off (they’re right, I will). There’s an important two day training during those two weeks that I have a feeling they don’t want to give me time off during. But really, I don’t know what’s up.

There is still the chance, though, that they'll approve the two weeks off, I won't have to quit, and I'll take about eight or nine days and fly up to Tacoma.

There are still too many loose ends/unknowns to make a decision tonight, but here’s where it’s at.

Either Nerdstar comes home in the next few weeks, or on November 8 she’s headed to Iraq. I don’t think it’ll take the powers that be past November 8 to make a decision.

If Nerdstar comes home, she’ll either be looking for a new job, or we’ll be moving so she can go back to school. It would really suck for us both to be looking for a job at the same time. So we’d need all of the money we currently have saved to get thru that.

If Nerdstar goes to Iraq, her salary would cover the bills for as long as it took for me to find a new job. And I don’t think we’d have to use any of our savings. So, it wouldn’t really matter in the long run if I were unemployed for a while. I don’t think it would be realistic to hope to find a job in Dec/Jan. I’m sure there would be some temp stuff if I wanted to go that route, but I figure a lot of companies will start to put off new hiring until after the first of the year. (Business guys - is that a bad assumption?)

Like I said in an earlier post. I don’t want to fuck up the future. So I’m trying to really figure out if quitting my job will do that.

There’s also the road trip itself. I’ve really been wanting to take one for a while. But I’m also aware it could be kinda depressing to do that much time on the road alone (well, with Ramen). It’d take me three days to get to Tacoma. But I’d take my time getting back to Austin. Again, either Nerdstar will be on her way to Iraq and it won’t really matter where I am. Or best case scenario is she’d be taking the trip back with me (that's a whole different idea that I'm not letting my brain dwell on).

The clock is ticking. I just have no idea what the next few days will bring.

Oh, and as for what Nerdstar thinks about all of it. Beats me. We've talked about it some. I'm sure she'd tell me to take the next flight out if she could, but she's not the best at making plans.

Ugh

It's a beautiful weekend outside, but not so much inside my head. Friday night I was supposed to go hear Ginger and Sarah with a friend who's in town on a job project for a while. She ended up making plans with her family instead. I found this out for sure when I got off of work Friday. At first I thought I'd go hear them play anyway. But I just didn't feel like going to do something alone again. It's getting really old. And that kicked off a blah weekend. I've stayed up past two the last two nights, been mean to Nerdstar and frustrated with her.

November 8th is D day for Nerdstar. That's the day her unit is scheduled to leave for Iraq. That's about three weeks away. But because she's got paperwork in progress to be reassigned back to Austin because of her grandmother's health - it's all still up in the air. That means I can't get mentally or emotionally ready. She's saying it's about a 50/50 chance she's coming home, but is acting more like it's a done deal. Me, I figure it's about a ten percent chance and am going nuts. I just don't know that I can handle her being gone for a year longer. Seriously.

And because we don't know for certain that she's going, I can't really make plans to go up and see her before she leaves yet. My worst nightmare is that she'll find out Nov. 6th she has to go and then ship out two days later. I have a feeling that if she doesn't know by the end of this coming week I'll just make plans to go up there for a week or so anyway. I'm sure my boss will love that.

It's all just really getting to me. And there's just not a whole hell of a lot I can do about any of it.

My deployment stories

Hello everyone! This is Nerdstar, and I have been at Ft. Lewis, Wa., since early May, and I am still here, waiting on that seemingly illusive piece of paper that will either dictate me going over to Iraq, or bringing my butt back home to Texas.
Beth has been strongly urging me to write my experiences down for y'all, she said that it will be a good way to vent some of my frustrations, so here it goes....
I will try to place the characters and the events in some sort of order, but I will not follow a strict chronological sequence, so please bear with me!
Just some background, I am a supply sgt. for this military intelligence company, belonging in the army reserves, what made this particular deployment "special", was the fact that just about all the members of this company came from other parts of the country, and not all of them have jobs in the military intelligence fields. They are, in essence, the last group of Arabic linguists in the reserve system, and how did the government find them? Well, all of them, at one time in the past or another, had been taught Arabic courses and even if they were only taught that for a week, it got on their permanent record.
Needless to say, most were really surprised to be called up to serve active duty, some of them had left the service behind and were enjoying some really good jobs out there in "the real world".
Well, they came because of 1. possible career advancement. 2. they had to do it, or get reprimanded (some actually want to do the 20 years and retire.)3.needed the $ and have no other job/career prospects.
My reason for volunteering myself on this mission was a mixture of reason #1 and reason #3. While I don't plan on retiring in the reserves, I wanted to see if I could find some military work in the Chinese language field.
I had originally volunteered myself back in Jan., but their company commander (who is now my commander) said that they already had someone, so no thanks. I didn't take it personally and went about my life.
Then, 4 months later, I got a call from my 1st. Sgt. (he is the highest grade person, enlisted, in a company.), asking me to pack up my stuff, because they wanted me to goto Iraq as a supply person.
I only had 4 days to prepare for this, and I was not qualified in the unit supply field ( I was a warehouse supply clerk back in my "GI Jane" days.), but they didn't seem to care, so off to Ft. Lewis I went.
When/if there is more time, I will tell you, more in depth, about the people on this really, really, long trip, so stay tuned!

Roller Coaster

I haven't updated much about Nerdstar's situation because the possibilities seem to change every day. I guess it was early last week the military made it known that in spite of reservists orders being for one year total - they changed it to being one year "in country" so that her year of duty doesn't actually start until she leaves for Iraq, no matter how many weeks/months they waste waiting around before being sent over. Ok, fine. But her unit still doesn't even have specific orders for going to Iraq. They were told they'd be going over with a stryker group in October - but then she found out the strykers aren't going until November. Then they heard their orders would be for November 15, now they're saying November 8. In the meantime, they decided to give everyone two weeks of leave - Sept. 27 to Oct. 11. Nice. That may have even been backed up to Sept. 24 - which would be even better. Her grandmother is doing a day of medical tests the 25th.

In the meantime, she's still doing everything she can to get reassigned back to Austin so at least she can go visit her grandparents and take care of them as much as possible. She doesn't want to just be completely discharged and throw away future opportunities as a Chinese linguist. But her chain of command is dragging it's feet in the worst possible ways in getting the paperwork together for her reassignment.

Every night when she calls there's a different outlook for the future. I'm increasingly tempted to tell her to say to hell with all of it and just come home! I'm sick to death of eating alone every night, of sleeping alone every night, and of just not having her around. I'm trying not to live like my life is on hold - but it's hard not to feel that way. I can't even begin to imagine if she's gone until next December instead of May. I'm an emotional basket case now.