Beth's Contradictory Brain

Life The Universe and Everything

I'm now in the year of the answer to life, the universe and everything!

We had a pretty good birthday this year. My brother's birthday is four days after mine, and now Nerdstar's is two days after mine. So, I've always liked sharing. With Nerdstar it helps to make it more of an event. It gives us an excuse to go out of town or do something fun. I also realized that I like sharing because I don't really want all the attention myself.

Last night we got together with a bunch of friends and had dinner at a Chinese duck place, Peking Gourmet Inn. Back in Houston, for special occasions her and her family used to go have duck at this certain place. Now that her grandparents have passed, that won't happen anymore. So, we're glad we found this place around here that's similar.

Other than that life is just rolling along. We had Pinhead's monthly checkup the other day. He's right on target. Wednesday starts week 24. We/I spend a lot of time with my hand on her belly feeling him wiggle around. We think he's in tune with her eating schedule because he tends to start kicking when it's time to eat! Then we keep joking that she always puts him into food comas. At least he's gotten a taste of almost every type of food out there.

Next month we're going to start getting his room and stuff ready.

Mostly we just can't wait to see him.

I'm still working about one day a week or so at the doctor's office. It's going to be weird when I give notice because at that point there's no telling when or where I'll work again. I'm sure I will work again in the future, but the rest is completely unknown.

I'm also doing the work from home scoring standardized test essays. There are three or four projects a year I work on, and they last a couple of weeks. It's not a lot, but it's good money for the time spent.

Done?

I was talking with Nerdstar about this last night. I'm feeling like I'm pretty done with this blog. Just typing that makes me a little sad.

I've been working on cleaning up an exported version I put into Word so I can eventually print it. I'm just over halfway done and it looks like it's going to be about 1300 pages. I mostly enjoy going back and reading about the past eight or so years of our lives. There were a lot of hard times, but a lot of fun, too. And I'm so glad I have this blog where it's all documented.

For some reason I've never been great at keeping a personal journal. I have horrible handwriting, so paper is usually out. It never recovered from all the note taking in college. (I'm always sad there weren't laptops back then I could have taken notes on instead!) I also tend to write more dark and sad in a journal. I guess I find it harder to write the "what's happening" stuff just for me because, well, I know what's happening. Except, that's the thing, I won't know years from now. There are so many little things I would have completely forgotten if not for this blog.

Another thing is that in some ways I feel like facebook has replaced this blog. I like that I can get more comments and interaction there than I have here for a while now. When I started this blog, I wanted it to be a place I could put my crazy thoughts and ideas about the world out there and have conversations about them with anybody, anywhere. That never happened as much as I hoped. Although, I was also telling Nerdstar how great it is that there are still a handful of people who I've been reading from day one and still at least keep up with one way or another online.

That said, reading back on the time Nerdstar was in Iraq, this blog and the people who read and commented really helped me a lot. That still means a lot to me.

I also know that with all the changes and moves and such Nerdstar and I have been through, we're in the biggest transition of our lives right now - pregnancy. And I have no idea how much I'm going to want to keep blogging after the baby is born. And if I do, I think it would be over on 2 Bad Moms and not here. But does the world really need any more "mommy bloggers?"

Maybe I'll get better at a personal journal if I'm writing it for the baby.

Anyway. I'm not shutting the blog down. I just don't know when I'll be updating it again.

Good Wife and Mom

Reading Sarah's post made me decide to write this.

Nerdstar and I were talking about "life" the other night at 3 a.m. and I said I felt like I hadn't accomplished a damn thing in the past ten years. Then, I thought to myself - well, other than be a good wife. And then she said, well, you've taken good care of me.

With the Army and Iraq and the moves and civilian jobs... it hasn't been easy. Even now we can't predict where her career will take us next. Although, it's looking like she might finally be getting out of the Army in the next few months.

And now - with Pinhead on the way, I finally get to do the one job I've been waiting over eight years to do - be a mom. I can't wait. And I think I'm going to be really good at it. And other than Nerdstar and my Mom, I don't think anybody really knows or understands this.

If Not Now, When?

I figure if I can't manage to update this here old blog during this huge snow storm, well, then I'm pretty lame.

Pics here.

We definitely got over two feet of snow here in our little part of the world. Crazy! Thankfully, after our winter in Johnstown, PA, we have snow pants and snow boots. I also have a fairly decent knowledge of snow shoveling. It's about knowing where to put it and keeping up with it as it comes down. I went out and cleared the sidewalk and around the cars and the deck Friday night around 9 pm. Then did it about 10 am Saturday and again about 8 pm. That was some hard work.

Our neighbors are complete idiots. We live in a cul-de-sac as you can see from the pics. I knew from the big snow we got back in December that the snow plows wouldn't be able to move much snow because the neighbors on both sides of us had their cars parked in the street - sticking out, not parallel. So, yesterday morning before the snow was too terrible, Nerdstar asked our neighbor to move his car into his driveway and out from in front of our yard. There was some other people coming and going from there that had been in and out of his driveway, so it was clear. He said that the street was free for anyone to park, he could park where he wanted, and slammed the door in her face. WTF? In the past he's seemed nice enough, last summer he even loaned me his lawnmower. Ok fine.

About 9 or so last night some people are out shoveling a path for the other next door neighbor to move her car. I figure they shoveled a lot of snow for over an hour. I thought, cool, as long as one of this isn't in the way, they'll be able to plow the snow by our driveway. Ends up they moved the car to behind the other neighbor's car. WTF? Now it's basically in the middle of the street block access to the circle. Wow.

Not long after that the snow plow comes through. I was kinda pissed. I would have had over twenty square feet of two to three feet of snow to move to get my car out of the driveway. Then there were people out there so I went out to see what was up. Thankfully the plow dude wanted them to move the car. Again, ok cool. At least he had some brains.

But, they were moving it back where it was, still in the way. Ugh.

In the end, they moved that car down the street, finally, and the first neighbor's car ended up in his driveway, and our street is really, really clear. The stupid part is it took over an hour for the plow man to clear just our little circle. If the neighbor had simply moved his car that morning...

I'll never understand stubborn, stupid, rude people.

So. We're mostly being really lazy. Looking forward to the Super Bowl tonight. Gotta get out of the house tomorrow and get more groceries before more snow comes on Tuesday.

Where Does The Time Go?

I can't believe we're already 3 weeks into this new year. Guess I'd have to say it's been a pretty good year so far. We've mostly been taking things easy, having lazy weekends, meeting up with friends for lunch or dinner sometimes. It's good. Life should be mostly boring.

Nerdstar's also having a fantastically boring pregnancy so far - knock wood. No morning sickness, no weight gain yet, a little more tired than usual. Her taste buds might be beginning to change just a little, she no longer likes beef as much. I asked last night if her taste buds were becoming more asian. She's not sure yet.

I've been trying to do some reading. A couple of months ago I was bored enough to try to tackle Moby-Dick. Nope, never read it. While I can appreciate that it's some really amazing writing, I got about half way through and it started putting me to sleep. Reading never puts me to sleep. So, I gave up. I've never given up on reading a book. Oh well.

I just finished Audrey Niffenegger's (The Time Traveler's Wife) new book, Her Fearful Symmetry. It was a pretty good book, but I wasn't surprised by it at all.

I also checked out Pink Brain/Blue Brain about how boys and girls develop from conception on and how they do and don't differ. It's a pretty scientific book, but it's not hard to read. It does get a little repetitious. I'm about half way done and probably won't read the second half as closely as the first. I'd recommend it, even though I can't articulate at all what I've learned from it.

Today I picked up Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. We'll both try to read it this weekend.

I've got a couple of other books checked out - all of this reading is courtesy of our local library - that I'll write about once I've read them.

My other ongoing project is my blog archive. I exported the whole thing into a txt file, then copy and pasted that into a word doc, so I've got to go through the whole thing and edit out all the extraneous stuff like extra lines and such. I think it started out of 2500 pages. I'm now on 1071 of 1600. I think it'll end up being about 1300 pages. One of these days maybe we'll buy a printer and I'll print it all up. It's been cool to go back and read about the past 8 years of life. Boy has a lot happened.

Hope your new year is off to a great start as well!

Thougths at the End of the Year

With Facebook and Twitter being so easy to use and update, I find it harder to sit down and write a real update for this blog. A few weeks back when it was broken, I was really sad to think I might have to end it. But then I haven't really updated it much since.

Part of that is because we have 2 Bad Moms to blog about baby stuff on. But even there I haven't updated too much. I've been so worried about the baby, and even the remote possibility of losing it, that I haven't updated much over there either. But, we've made it to week 11 and things are looking good so my worrying has been reduced by about 80%.

As we come to the end of another year, though, and I can easily look back at my archives of past years' ends, I'm so glad I've had this blog as a place to document everything. I guess I could keep a journal instead of a blog, but I'm not really that good at keeping a journal.

We had another good trip to Dallas to visit my family for Christmas. Now that I see them only a couple of times a year I find I have a lot more patience and good will toward them. I love my family, but... I know you all know how it is. I thought so much about how next Christmas Pinhead will be here and how different things will be. It's hard not to wish away time.

Coming home was almost a big adventure. Fortunately, when I checked us in for our flight online, I set us up to get flight status updates on our phone. Going through Chicago in winter is always a dicey proposition. We got an update as we were headed out for lunch that our flight had been delayed four hours. Ok, but then how would we get from Chicago to DC? So, we called the airline. It took an hour and a half on the phone, but they got us a direct flight from DFW to DC on American. Cool! We could make that flight and we'd get home a lot earlier.

We got to the airport at 3:20 for a 5:20 departure. Got to the American counter and were told we had to go to the United counter and get actual tickets so they could transfer them. Ugh. It's a five minute tram ride just to get where United's counter is. Fine. Then we stood in line for six or so minutes only to find out it was the wrong line. The right line wasn't moving at all. The ladies behind us had been put on Delta by United and Delta didn't like the tickets they were given. Sigh. I kept trying really hard to stay positive and not keep complaining and cussing - but mostly I failed. We finally got the tickets we needed from United, took the tram back to American and found the counter we'd been at had closed and we had to walk five minutes down to the next one. At this point it's getting close to 5 pm.

We finally get up to the American counter and hand the lady the United tickets and our IDs and wait for her to pull everything up. She said United hadn't completed the transaction. I just laid my forehead on the counter and prayed. I told God I knew I didn't deserve help, but... She finally hands us our new boarding passes and we've got about ten minutes to make it through security and to the gate. We made it! I almost cried when I got into my seat on the plane. I understood what grace is - getting something when you don't deserve it. There were a lot of people who didn't end up where they wanted to be that day. We not only got a direct flight home, we got home 3 hours early which also allowed us to pick up Ramen dog on the way home!

I know '09 was horrible in so many ways. But for me, it feels like it was a year of grace.

For years now, all I've wanted is a house and a baby. Back on May 1 I moved into our first house. Poor Nerdstar was away with Army school. It took a while for it to feel like home, but it does now. I love my desk at the window watching our tree and the neighborhood. I love the crazy slopped back yard. I love our huge bedroom and the fireplace and kitchen. I can't wait to fix up some stuff this spring and to get it ready for Pinhead.

So much of my worrying comes from life finally being so good, and I'm scared to death the good will end. All I can do is be utterly grateful for it all.

Bad Boys And Girls

Life's been pretty good lately. I spend a lot of my time counting down time, it was until Thanksgiving, now it's until Christmas. And I'm counting days little Pinhead's been around, days until the next sonogram. I'm less worried than I was a week or two ago, but I still worry. I also know that worrying never really stops for parents.

Anyway. We talk a lot about if the baby will be a boy or a girl, and what that boy or girl might be like - of course. We were talking with a friend of ours the other night and I told her my ideas about bad boys versus bad girls.

Probably due to some of the bad boys I dated in middle school and high school, I've always thought that boys had a better chance at becoming good - and it's because of girls. Eventually a bad boy's going to meet a girl he really likes, and chances are she's just going to be your average girl who does her school work, spends time with her family, and mostly stays out of trouble. In order to impress her the bad boy has to step up and kinda get it together. If the relationship lasts at all, then this could be that chance the boy needs to get it together. Of course, if she breaks his heart it could also set him down the wrong road even more.

I can't say I see the same thing for bad girls. I don't see them hanging out with nice guys and becoming nicer. I'm not sure what turns around bad girls.

What do you think?

Doing Thanksgiving Backwards

It's Saturday after Thanksgiving and I just finished making the cornbread for the dressing and the chocolate pie for tomorrow. Haven't had any turkey - can't wait to cook it tomorrow!

Nerdstar's sister decided to come and see the house and hang with us for Thanksgiving, but she has cat allergies and we have cats. We weren't sure if she'd even be able to spend an hour in our house, or be able to not wear a mask long enough to eat Thanksgiving dinner. No problem, we decide to go to the Ritz Carlton for Thanksgiving Brunch.

It was some of the best food ever. We had herb crusted lamb, prime rib, the best mashed potatoes ever, there was turkey, but I wanted to wait. There were probably twenty different desserts. It was just lovely! I got to the point I literally couldn't eat another bite!

After brunch we came back to the house to give her the tour. Her allergies held off long enough for us to have a fire in the fireplace so we could roast some marshmallows - she'd never had any! Then we broke out Wii Sports so they could beat each other up boxing.

Friday we got up and went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast before heading out to Tyson's Corner mall. Nerdstar and I hit up Lush, but that was about it. The things we need are more like Bed Bath and Beyond stuff. We'll probably do more shopping after Christmas.

It wasn't too terrible being at the mall, but damn, it took us 45 minutes to get out of the parking garage.

Nerdstar's sister knows how to cook some really good Chinese dishes they grew up with, so we went to the Korean grocery store on the way home. (The Chinese grocery store has less stuff and is more expensive.) They spent the evening making a broth for beef noodle soup so Nerdstar can make it later, and then made a big pot of Wintermelon Soup, then they made a few other little snack dishes. (The snack dishes stink - lots of ginger and garlic!)

It was really nice to not have any stress. Also, we found out her sister's allergies aren't too bad and hopefully next time she can just stay with us.

And with all that, I still have turkey tomorrow!!

My Evil Brain

I've been a big Calvin and Hobbes fan for as long as I can remember. There's one strip where Calvin is on his sled at the top of the hill and he lists off a couple of obstacles and why he won't hit them. In the final panel he looks at the reader and says "My brain is trying to kill me." That's been the theme of my life ever since. I've thought for a long time about getting that last panel as a tattoo, but can never decide where on my body or if it would really translate all that well.

Anyway. My entire life I've fought my brain. I can remember in middle school lying awake late at night and wondering - if I'm thinking that my brain won't let me sleep... well, who is ME if not my brain. Yeah, I was that kind of kid.

It's never been major depression. The only time I tried meds was after 9/11. I hated feeling like a zombie. It's just sometimes a real fight to not be mired in doom and gloom.

In some ways it's been better the time I've been with Nerdstar. But the times I go too long without working, or she and I are having troubles (God forbid both of those are at the same time!) it gets harder to occupy my brain.

So it seems I've hit that point in not working, and probably a little pms sometimes, where there are dark little clouds over my head.

And my lack of self motivation really sucks.

Is the house really clean - no.
Do I got to the gym at least three times a week - no.
Have I done things like get dentist appointments out of the way - no.

Every day I have to find some little goal. It might be as simple as returning library books and going to the grocery store. It does help tremendously to get out of the house. I'm trying to do most of the housework and little projects around the house so Nerdstar doesn't have to on top of working. I'm also trying to cook more often.

I know I've written in the past about how weird it is to be a housewife and not have a kid to take care of. (Sorry, I don't want to go back and find the link right now.) I don't know why a kid would make me feel less guilty about not working.

And I guess the other part of not working and all this time is the loneliness.

But, I'm working on all of it. I'm slowly looking for jobs since my current one isn't calling. I keep plugging away at getting something done every day. It's been good for my reading habit sometimes.

VA State Fair

Here's a couple of pics from yesterday.

We had a nice time walking around the fair yesterday. The weather was so beautiful. We looked at all the arts and crafts, that was kinda neat. Then we went and looked at a bunch of the animals.

Of course, for Nerdstar it's all about the food. She had a candy apple. Then we found this bbq place that was really good. She had the biggest turkey leg I've seen. I had a brisket sandwich that was one of the best ever. Of course, it helps to be eating outdoors, since everything tastes better outside and after walking for a couple of hours. We tasted a few kinds of honey and bought some local clover honey - which means I'll have to make some good biscuits to put it on! Then before leaving we shared a funnel cake, because that's required of any trip to any type of fair.

Of course, going reminded me of all the times in high school our marching band went to the Texas State Fair and competed in whatever competition that was. Now, I haven't been to the Texas State Fair since then, but I'm pretty sure it's the biggest in the country. Man, we had fun back then.

But still, it's good to be out and about among the locals. Anytime we are in any size crowd I sing "who are the people in your neighborhood." Heh.

Dead Ends

I can't remember when we've had a lazier weekend. I was so happy that it rained all day Saturday. I mean, all day. It started raining at about 10 in the morning and didn't stop until really early Sunday morning. Then, Sunday was just beautiful.

Saturday night after cooking and eating a decent dinner, Nerdstar had a beer and I had some rum and coke and we just hung out at the table and talked for a while. She talked about work and her concerns. I talked about mine.

I really didn't expect that I'd go almost a month without working at all for my current job. The few days they wanted me to work were ones we were either traveling or babysitting. I went by the office I like working at to see what was up, and she said it just hasn't been too, too busy. I don't really like the idea of working for Quest or LabCorp, hard to say why. And the hospitals close to here just aren't hiring.

I've applied online to a couple of things. One was being an instructor for phlebotomy at the local community college network. Didn't hear anything back. And I applied for what sounded like a really neat phlebotomy supervisory job, again, didn't hear a thing.

Nerdstar's always thought I should go to law school. Funny thing is, if I'd done it when we first talked about it I'd be finished with it and working in the field by now. But it just doesn't really appeal to me. Hell, who knows if I could even get into any of the law schools around here. (And in reality, if I had been in law school back then who knows what would have happened if we hadn't been able to move to advance her career.)

But, I did decide to look into maybe getting my master's in sociology and doing research or something like that. George Mason looks to have a really neat program. One of my biggest problems in applying is reference letters. I haven't stayed put or stayed in touch with people to have three good references. So, I sent an email through the program's website stating my interest and such. That was over a week ago and I haven't heard a thing.

It takes me a lot longer than it probably should to get in gear and look into things. So, when I finally do and they all end up seemingly dead ends, it really sucks.

I feel a little guilty that Nerdstar has to get up early every morning and sit in traffic twice a day and go to work all day and I don't. I'm trying to be a good housewife, but cleaning isn't my strong suit! I do at least try to keep her well fed!

And there's always that job I really want - being a mom - that I'm still waiting on. Hopefully we'll make progress on that soon. If not, then I think I'll start seriously looking into if being foster parents is an option. It's something I've wanted to look into for a long time, and now that we finally have a house it's more feasible.

Lame

I actually kinda miss blogging. And I've opened up MT several times and looked at the blank space and wished I had something to say. I guess not working and not having kids leaves me with little blog fodder.

We did have several busy weekends in a row that helped offset my boring weeks. Last weekend we played host to a five year old boy and his year and a half old boxer. I picked him up after school Thursday and then got up and got him ready for school Friday. Can I just say elementary schools creep me out. Yes, a long time ago I spent time in some being a sub before I switched to junior high and high school subbing. But in teacher circles, you can spot the elementary teachers a mile away. It's an overload of forced cuteness and regiment.

Anyway. I think we did a good job. The weather was amazing so we spent a lot of time in the backyard. We also managed to only watch each movie once. We watched Finding Nemo, Kung Fu Panda, Coraline, and Monters Inc.

Nerdstar and I are pretty different in our handling of children/pets. But I think our styles are complimentary. Sometimes it's like good cop/bad cop.

One of these days I'll make a decision about what to do with my days. It still sucks that the job I'd like to be working doesn't have the money to give me some hours.

Oh well. This is a totally lame blog post. But I guess that reflects my totally lame life these days.

Free Flow

Hangin on the sofa, watching last week's Top Chef. Got Little Man asleep beside me, Ramen dog is chillin out somewhere. It's hard to say if he's sad Nerdstar isn't home. Do pets really understand what packed bags mean when you're walking out the door?

As most of you are aware, Nerdstar's Grandpa died yesterday afternoon. It doesn't matter that he was almost 93. It doesn't matter he was supposed to die from liver cancer over 20 years ago. It doesn't matter that we knew that although he was a stunningly stubborn man - who just last weekend told Nerdstar not to come and see him, he'd tell her when she needed to come down - and that it was kinda up to him how long he hung in there, he was fading. There is no way for her to be ready, to be ok with, him dying.

Her Grandma died 3 years ago. At the time she was in Japan for the summer with the Army. She's still sad about that and misses Grandma daily. Then about a year and a half ago her father died during a trip to Taiwan - it was completely unexpected. It really shook her up.

Now Grandpa. And although she and her sister still have other family members around, they're both feeling really alone.

Thankfully, Nerdstar got a flight out this afternoon and her and her sister get to spend some good time together before the viewing and funeral this weekend. She said it'll be weird being in Grandpa's house without him there.

I'm so sad for her. And while I want to be helpful and comfort her, sometimes I come up short.

We talk a lot about God and life and death and what's after this. But without any certainty about what's next, it's hard to be comforted.

Sigh. Life can be relentless.

Life Gets In The Way

of blogging.

Not that there's anything overly exciting going on these days. Just life.

I've been working more the past two weeks, but still have no idea what's going to happen long term. I guess I'm just taking it as it comes. For now that works for me. My co-worker at the good location and I are still hoping the powers that be will have me work there afternoons. It gives her the help she needs now that things are getting a lot busier, and it gives me mornings to run errands, clean house, go swim, and such.

Then there's the life and death issues. Life in that we're still hoping and trying to have a baby, and just not having any luck with it. It's weird to be so sad and yet in some ways still be optimistic. Death in that Nerdstar's grandpa isn't doing well health wise. He's almost 93 and stubborn as can be, so he's hanging in there. But we honestly don't know for how much longer. And this leaves Nerdstar sad.

Not Working But Exercising

After a brief stint at a job I actually kinda liked, I'm back to not working. I had in the back of my mind that this was likely to happen. Due to budgetary concerns, they can't afford to have me work full time. Sigh.

And for now, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

So, one thing I'm going for the time being is something I've put off most of my adult life - I'm sort of working out. Last week when it became clear that I wasn't going to be working full-time, Nerdstar and I joined the gym we'd checked out. It's not the closest gym to us, but it has a nice, big indoor pool, which is just what we want. I can't express how much I hate to exercise. Mostly it's boring. And I'm no good at it. But, even more that not liking being overweight, I don't like being out of shape. So, I'm swimming. I'm swimming every day this week to kick things off. Next week we'll swim and do some treadmill and weights.

I keep thinking how Nerdstar wasn't even supposed to be finished with her Army school stuff until Sept. 2. And one of the things I really intended to do while she was gone was start exercising. Now I get to do it with her home. Very cool.

As for future employment, I just don't have a clue. I have this feeling there's something I'm supposed to be doing (probably not phlebotomy) but I have no idea what it is.

I'm feeling mostly content these days - which is a nice feeling for me. And I guess I'm waiting to see what the near future holds.

Crazy World

I've been feeling for a while now that the world has just gone crazy. There seems to be more news than I can keep up with - and a hell of a lot of it I'd rather not keep up with.

Add to that the deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah on the same day. Too damn weird. Sometimes it's like God gets bored and brings home some entertainers. (That sentence is in no way meant to imply He isn't entertained by us regular folk.)

On the home front. Nerdstar down in Houston until Sunday visiting family. Her real mission is to bring me home some Rudy's BBQ. She'd better not get off the plane without it! She finally got the official offer letter/start date/etc. for her new job. She's hit another personal high in income. Honestly, we laugh about it because it seems so crazy to us. I'm very proud of her.

We're also trying to figure out maybe taking a big trip next spring for our birthdays. I'd really like to do one of these sailing cruises. Nerdstar wants to take me to Taiwan and see where she grew up. I told her we might flip a coin for it!

As for me and work. It's hard to explain how Nerdstar making more than 3x what I do makes it hard to be motivated to go to work. Now, Nerdstar has never made me feel any pressure to work, or to work any particular job. She's been amazing at trying to get me to find something I really enjoy. It's just that I still have no idea what that job is. Well, I think I'd like to be a stay at home mom, but who knows if that's in the cards. And it's just not the same staying at home without the mom part. There is only so much housework and projects I can do and not feel like a slacker while Nerdstar's at work. But still, it's weird knowing I don't HAVE to work. (And in my line of work I feel guilty for even that because my coworkers are hard working folks who don't often get a break in life.) Yet, I still can't find what it is that I want to do with all my time.

Anyway. I've mentioned the the group of doctors I've worked for has an office pretty close to our new house. My manager called last night to see if I wanted to train there. So, I worked this afternoon after taking Nerdstar to the airport early this morning. And I work tomorrow and then next M-Th. I'll be in the lab with one other woman who's been working it by herself for quite a while and has her stuff together! There's a chance that they'll need me there, maybe even full time, come August. We'll see how the next few days go.

Another Week Down

Another week has gone by. It doesn't feel like much is going on.

For me it's been a week of getting a few things done in the yard. Up along the fence I found a few red bricks. I decided to use them to mark off this plant area right in front of the house. It's where I planted the little shrubs and will probably end up planting more stuff next spring. There weren't enough bricks to do both sides of the sidewalk, but enough to give it a try and see how it looks. Good enough that I'll eventually have to go buy a more bricks to finish the project up.

I mentioned that our neighbor let us borrow his lawn mower to do the front yard, but the back yard was quickly becoming a jungle with all the rain we've had. I couldn't bring myself to pay someone to do it, so I found a guy selling used lawn mowers and we bought one for $80 last night. I got about 65% of the back yard done in 40 minutes this morning. Ugh. I didn't manage to do most of the big slope or the yard above it. I'm saving that for tomorrow morning. Who needs a gym?

I also got rid of more of the trash and a few boxes from moving. We still have more unpacking to do, but it's either stuff we're not using, or Nerdstar's clothes.

Nerdstar got a call from some company wanting her to work on translating a 319 page document. She drove all the way there Wednesday only to find they didn't have the document yet. Fun. She's making hella good money, but it's really boring. Her and another guy sit in a conference room and translate the stuff onto legal pads. Not the most efficient way to get it done, but oh well. This will keep her busy until her real job starts next month. And it'll keep us in grocery money!

As for me and work - well, hell. It's not going anywhere at the moment. And I can't find a direction I want to pursue. Gotta figure something out soon though.

Beach Getaway

My brain was starting to get all funky on me. Nerdstar had hoped to be starting a new job on June 1 or close to it. That came and went and she wasn't hearing much of anything. I had hoped to find a job at one of the hospital labs down here in our new neck of the woods, but that's not happening either.

Not knowing when we'd have income again put a damper on things, too. We've got plenty in the bank for a few months, but it's not like we could use our free time to go traipsing off to Austin to eat, or to Atlantic City to play poker.

A friend mentioned Virginia Beach. I did some googling and found a part of the beach that you can take dogs to except from 9 am to 6 pm. So, we could either get up ass early and hit the beach and be done by 9 am, or leave late and get there around 6 pm and watch the sunset. We tried for option one and ended up doing option two.

It should be about three and a half hours from house to beach, but omg the fuckers down there can't drive. There were wrecks and traffic coming and going. Took just over five hours each way. Oh well.

We got there about 7 pm and took Ramen dog to the beach for the first time. I kinda knew it wouldn't be his type of place. He doesn't like loud - and waves are pretty loud. Even when we just sat on the beach with him he was too nervous to relax. Poor dog. And he doesn't play fetch, so we couldn't distract him with a ball.

We put him in the car for a little while and just sat on the beach and watched the waves and the jets as they flew out over the ocean.

We couldn't decide if it was worth finding some cheap hotel we could sneak Ramen into, or just try to go ahead and drive all the way home. Ramen is a fantastic travel dog in hotels, has never done anything wrong in a hotel room, so I hate paying the pet fee. We found a pretty cheap place not too far out and decided to call it a night.

Then we got up early and hit the beach for a while longer. The water is still pretty cold. We got a body board hoping to float for a while, but it was just too cold. And the waves, although not big by any normal standard, were big enough for us. I got knocked over pretty good trying to get back to shore on the body board.

It's amazing how renewing it is to sit by an ocean and listen to the waves crash.

My only problem with the beach is sunshine. (No small problem.) If you've never seen my legs, it's hard to imagine how white they are. Think Casper. Think glow in the dark white. Now, I'm happy with my legs that way - it takes a lot of hard work to stay as white as me growing up in Texas! So I had a t-shirt and long shorts, and when not in the water had a ball cap on - I HATE getting the top of my head sunburned. Thankfully today I just got a little burn on the bottom of my legs. That and all the sand exfoliating from the knee down leads to a little pain tonight. Thankfully, there's aloe vera with lidocain.

So, we're back home. On this trip Nerdstar finally got word that her new job starts July 10. This is a good thing. (There are some alternative versions of her working future that could happen, but they're all good for now.)

Hopefully now she can take a trip to Houston and visit her family. And we can take a trip to Austin to eat!

Rambling Early Morning Update

We've been in the new house just over a month now. Sometimes I still can't believe that Nerdstar is back home and not out being Army girl like she was supposed to be. I'm so glad I'm not here by myself!

The house is feeling like home. I'm so glad it was move-in ready and we didn't have to start off doing any major projects on it. Over time we'll have someone come in and help pick paint colors and curtains. I'm sure in a couple of years we'll re-do some of the floors. But for now it's all good.

Things have felt a little weird this week though. For the past three days we've had a role reversal - I've been going off to work and she's been staying home. It's kinda cool. I know it sounds like it's fun and easy to spend lots of time not working. But honestly, it gets boring. It gets hard to find ways to fill all the time, especially if you're home alone, and if you don't want to empty the bank account. I mean, sure, the house could be spotless, or you could get into doing lots of exercise or something, but it doesn't take long for a lack of motivation to set in.

Anyway. She's wanted some extended time off for a while now, and I'm really glad she's getting some, especially after that last Army class was such bullshit and so rough on her. And now she understands a little better my "easy" life when I'm not working so much.

Speaking of work... every time I spend a few days at that doctors office, I remember why I don't want to work there full-time. There's just too much unnecessary crap to deal with. But, it's sort of like a cancer doctor co-op, so they have other offices, one of which is much closer to the new house. I mentioned that I'd like to work down here, we'll see if anything comes of that.

The other problem with where I was this week - the commute. Now, we knew when we bought a house all the way down here (it's 12 or so miles south on I-95 of where we were) that this would be an issue. It took me an hour and fifteen minutes two of three days to get to work, an hour and forty minutes the other (you know, it was raining as always). Thankfully, it only took about an hour and ten minutes to get home. I was thinking the drive home would take longer. I just really hate stop and go traffic. I'd rather do a consistent five miles an hour than having to stop and go, stop and go. Ugh. I don't have the patience for it. Also, I don't think I make enough to make it worthwhile to drive that far. It makes it an 11 or 12 hour work day, plus the added gas of stop and go traffic. Divide what I'm making into those hours and expenses... not pretty.

So, one way or another I'll find a job closer to home. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

As for Nerdstar, she's putting out more feelers just in case the one job she's pretty sure will work out falls through. She talked to the recruiter guy again today, he said the start date could be June 15 or July 10. Fun.

We've got money in the bank to get us through a few months if necessary. So I'm not worried about any of it, yet. I think Nerdstar worries more about it than I do.

In the meantime we keep trying to do a few fun things. We went to the zoo a while back. We had our cookout. We went to Artomatic. Next week I want to go to the American History Museum, it reopened last Fall and I think it'll be cool. Plus the usual house cleaning we don't like, the yard work which is kinda a fun work out, and chillin with the pets.

This Boring Life

I keep thinking I should update this here thingy. But there's just nothing going on.

Nerdstar was hoping to start a new job on Monday, but it's taking longer than hoped for them to get everything processed. Now we're hoping to know something mid next week.

I've got nothing going on work wise really. They want me to work next W-F at the old location, which is a commute I really don't want to make. I guess I'll do it those three days and hope to get a chance to talk with the manager about something closer to the new home.

Our a/c still doesn't work. I installed a new thermostat and the outside unit runs, the air comes out the vents, but it isn't cold air. Unfortunately, we found this out Sunday during our cookout. It wasn't too terribly hot though. I tried submitting a new claim online through the warranty people, that didn't take, so we called them yesterday. Today the company who actually sends a tech says they don't have an opening until next Thursday. Ugh. Stuff like that annoys the hell out of me. Of course, they have a "service plan" you can pay $20 a month and get moved to the front of the line for stuff. But making me wait a week on a warranty claim doesn't make me feel like playing nice with them.

I think Nerdstar's finally getting a little bored being home all the time, too. That and a little worried about the new job coming through or not.

I'm not worried about $ yet. It just sucks that it's always the case of having lots of time when you don't want to spend lots of money. Otherwise we'd be heading to Austin for two or three days of good food and then Atlantic City for two or three days of poker. Sigh.

Oh, and I had my first slip down the stupid stairs last night. They're narrow and steep. I had socks on, so once I started slipping, I just kept on. No injuries, but still.

So, that's our boring life this week.

Getting Things Done

Sigh. We're getting things done, just at a slow and steady pace. It seems like everything takes longer than it should, or takes two or three tries instead of one.

I installed the new programmable thermostat today. Turns out the handyman that took twice as long as estimated also hooked up the thermostat wrong. He knew the a/c didn't work, but he didn't even think it was because he hooked up the thermostat wrong. The only good thing is that the new a/c dude we called through our warranty also said it was the wrong kind of thermostat - which is my fault. I bought the first one having no idea that our central heat and air was the "heat pump" type. That's why I installed the new thermostat today. It took me a while and many readings of the instructions to get it all to work right. But I did it!

One thing I'm working on is not being so impatient. I mean, how ridiculous is it that even when I have absolutely no timetable or deadline or schedule for anything, I still feel like things aren't being done "on time."

Yesterday was lovely though. We took a day off from dealing with Army bullshit (her) and house bullshit (me) and enjoyed watching the animals at the zoo. I swear there's something about zoos that make adults into complete imbeciles. At least it's amusing to listen to all the stupid stuff they make up for their kids. Then we had lunch at a sidewalk cafe. Yum.

Today was a trip to Michael's and Home Depot. I think we've gotten just about everything we need for now.

We've decided to let professionals handle the yard. There's just too much we don't know about the soil, sun/shade, local plants, etc. We don't want to spend a couple hundred bucks on plants and have them die. Not sure when we'll call in the help though.

Nerdstar has a couple of really good job offers, although one of them would be close to a two hour commute one way. Ugh. There are some variables that might make it do-able, or worth doing. We'll see in the next few days. The other one is only about an hour commute and is pretty close to being a done deal. That's amazing. She wasn't even supposed to be back from Army stuff yet and she's already got two job offers. Way cool. It's looking like she could have a start date of June 1, which would be fantastic! She really needed some down time.

I have an interview tomorrow, but I think it's too far from home for me. It's a hospital system, so I'll go meet with them and see if they've got anything at a closer location.

Holding Pattern

Not much blogging here because there's just not much going on. We're both in a holding pattern.

Nerdstar's being out processed from her training - and that' a good thing. But it's all going kinda weird. The stupid part is that the class ends next week anyway and there were only two or three more requirements she needed to pass. Now, those requirements were passing the land navigation and doing a ten mile road march. And this time last week it just wasn't clear she'd physically be able to do those. So her immediate chain of command decided to send her home. Since then it's been meetings and paperwork and "what do we do with you now" sorts of things. The Army is never really good at dealing with reservists as opposed to full-time soldiers. She's finally fed up with all of - a point I reached many years ago. The full-time Army peeps just don't get that she doesn't need the Army like so many of them do. She doesn't need the money or the job security, she's got a career already.

Anyway. We're pretty sure I can go get her in the next few days. But we have no idea what comes next. She's still trying to get someone to help her get a medical discharge, but there's no timeline for that.

As for me, well, I've done all the unpacking that needs to be done. Now that Nerdstar's coming home now instead of Sept. we can figure out where to put artwork and stuff like that together.

I applied for some jobs online at nearby hospitals, but haven't heard anything back. Not sure what my next move is if those don't work out. I'm really ready to not be home all the time.

So things are moving in the right direction, they're just moving really slowly for now.

A Little Rant

Indulge me, I'm gonna rant a little.

This is exactly why I hate her being in the army. There is never any definite plan/schedule. Fine, I love our military and it's accomplishments and all that. I love it more than she does. But being an outsider and yet being subjected it this endless hurry and wait bullshit pisses me off.

I've wanted her out of the army for years. But, for reasons that even she has no idea what they were anymore, she kept hanging in there with this reserve stuff.

Anyway. After all the stress of the past two weeks, she calls yesterday saying they're going to process her out of this training. Great. Maybe this is a way to get out of the army altogether - which she just might finally be ready to do.

Then today it's all, well, it's the weekend, no one's working, I've got to talk to the higher up's on Monday, blah, blah, blah.

Now, up until yesterday I was the one trying to stay positive, and encourage her and tell her to suck it up and get through this. Then I spent yesterday afternoon, evening, re-arranging my brain and trying to figure out the logistics of her coming home next week instead of over 3 months from now. Canceling a pet sitter, telling my Mom we wouldn't be there in a couple of weeks. Nothing major really. More wrapping my brain around all the sudden changes.

And... my brain has to keep waiting and worrying and all that until at least Monday.

There's only two more weeks of this training anyway. And her immediate chain-of-command have been real dickheads. Who knows what the higher-ups will say about all of it. They could send her home next week. They could find someway to help her finish this course. They could ask her to come back and re-do all or parts of the course later.

I keep asking if they leave it up to her what happens what her answer is. I think she wants to come home, but I'm not sure even that's at 100%.

Sigh.

This Crazy Life

Wow. Nerdstar just called and said they're going to send her home from this Army course, she's just not physically able to complete it. She'll be there about another week to do all the paperwork/out processing, then I'll go get her. It's not clear yet what this means for her continued army career. She was already trying to get a medical discharge, that might go forward. She might just keep doing the reserves, or they might try to make her re-take this course at some point in the future. That's the joy of Army life - you never really know what the hell they'll do with you.

Me - I'm so happy she's coming home!! I really didn't want her gone for another three months.

This also means we're both going to be job hunting. We're not worried about that. We've got a nice reserve built up in our savings.

I'm a little more surprised than she is about this turn of events. I keep telling her to hang in there and that it'd all work out. She was hating every minute of it. Maybe she could have done it all if she hadn't gotten such bad blisters on her feet. Maybe not. It was physically harder than she'd anticipated.

Settling In Thoughts

Let's see, I think this is day 3 in the new house. I've totally lost track of what day it is.

The house is still so empty it echoes in here. Not sure how much unpacking all the books and putting up what little art/pictures we have will help.

I think we have things backwards - the kitchen is upstairs and we put the master bedroom downstairs.

I haven't had tv since Thursday night. I think I'm going through withdrawal. Comcast (our only choice) is supposed to be installed tomorrow. I only have internet because someone in the neighborhood has wifi I'm borrowing. It's been a lifesaver.

I've never lived in a two story house - I'm really surprised at the temperature difference between the top and bottom floor. It's been in the upper 50's lower 60s and rainy since I moved in and I've had the windows open. I'm comfortable sitting at the desk upstairs, then go downstairs and notice how cold it is.

I've never been in a neighborhood as quiet as this one. It's almost a ghost town this weekend. That's ok with me. With the windows open it's sounded like I'm living out in the woods.

I can't tell if the pets are happy to have all this space. I know it all smells funny to them.

I really need to drag my butt to the grocery store. Trying to get the kitchen unpacked enough to have silver ware, dishes, and glasses to drink from.

First Night

It's finally my first night in my very own home. At 41 it seems a little late in life for this event, but better late than never.

I miss my Nerdstar like crazy tonight. I'll enjoy spending the time she's gone making the house a home. She doesn't like decorating, so she's happy to let me do what I can.

Because my brain refused to shut off last night, so I only got about 3 hours of sleep. Then I got up at 7 to go get some breakfast before the movers showed up. It's been a long day - but as has been the case so far - everything went really, really well.

I'm not sure what the pets think of all this. It's certainly the biggest place we've lived.

And... I have a huge, beautiful tree in my front yard. And with the desk in front of the second floor window, I'm eye level with the lowest branches. I love watching trees change through the seasons.

I'll take pics soon. I think so far I've unpacked a total of 4 boxes. Over 30 left.

So Grateful!

The closing is done, I've got the keys to our new home!

Our mortgage man called this morning saying that although there had been a problem with our loan being FHA due to the earlier appraisal issues, everything was fine, it was converted to a conventional loan instead. That lowered our monthly mortgage payment another $20 bucks or so. (From what I understand this is highly unusual and gracious on the part of BB&T.)

I just want to say how grateful to God I am for everything about this whole process. There were time things could have gone wrong, or cost us more money or something in this process, instead things worked out in our favor. I believe God's hand is in that.

I also want to thank all you wonderful people here online who also said words of encouragement and prayer for us. It means a lot. Truly.

Tonight is moving the cats into the new house, once I can get the second one out from under the bed. Then the movers show up at 9 am tomorrow. I won't have internet until Monday at the house, but I'll go somewhere and get some wifi over the weekend.

On The Verge

There's something that feels weird, yet maybe cathartic about moving. About packing and unpacking your life. It's been nice to have plenty of time to pack. I'm still at about 95% done. The kitchen is always the hard part. I've spent weeks visualizing where the boxes go, where the limited furniture we do have goes, unpacking things, getting a real feel for the house. I still haven't even ventured around the back yard.

So it's been really frustrating to not be able to feel excited about all of this because I'm worried there will be some last minute glitch. The closing is at 4 pm tomorrow and as of 4 pm today the people handing the closing don't have the instructions yet. I'm mostly sure everything will be just fine, but again, it's frustrating having to worry.

I'm also really sad Nerdstar isn't here for this. It's a big event and she's away. Now, yes, we could have delayed all of this until she was done with her Army stuff, but part of me also wanted to have this to do while she was gone. (See the title of this blog if you're confused!)

I'm really looking forward to not being in an apartment. The complex we've been in these two years has been really nice. We never hear our neighbors. It's safe. The people, when we do see them, are nice. But I'm tired of having people so close all the time. Poor Ramen dog wants to be social and he barks when he hears anyone outside. It's annoying. I'm looking forward to having the deck in the back yard, and sitting out there. I'm ready for some place that's actually home.

So tomorrow we do a final walk through at 3, the closing at 4. Then I'll come back to the apt. and get the cats and a few things to take over to the house. I don't want to have to deal with the cats the morning the movers come, so they'll be the first to spend the night in the house.

I'll find out tomorrow what time the movers are showing up on Friday. It always amazes me how it'll take them about thirty minutes to load everything we own onto a truck, and then another thirty minutes or so to unload it.

I think the weather's supposed to be decent for Friday. Keep your fingers crossed.

Slow Weekend

Not really much going on for me this weekend. The weather really heated up. It's 90 yesterday, today and tomorrow, but thankfully only 30% humidity. What's so funny here is that people who live here think it's humid, but in Texas we got temps over 90 and over 85% humidity for six months of the year.

I took Ramen to the park yesterday and let him run around until he was tired. Later today when it cools off some I'll either take him for a long walk or let him run around the little fenced area in our apt. complex.

It's also been nice this weekend to have conversations with Nerdstar that last more than five minutes. Her weeks are pretty sucky, but at least she gets to go out to eat and get some better food and get some rest on the weekends!

Other than that I finally packed all the stuff in my big desk.

Mostly I'm just being bored and boring. Watching a little tv. Surfing around the net.

Tomorrow I take Ramen to get his annual shots and will probably go buy the few more boxes that I need to finish packing.

Things will start to pick up a little bit on Wednesday. There's another project in the work from home stuff I'm doing that has the preliminary part on Wednesday.

The forecast is for scattered thunderstorms Wed. through Sat. so pray that it's clear when the movers are here.

Anyway - hope your weekend was more fun. Mine will be much better next weekend!

Week 2

Time still goes slower with Nerdstar gone. It was a pretty good week though. I did a little more packing and cleaning. In two weeks I'll be unpacking stuff I haven't even packed yet.

I think I ended up catching a cold from going to the DC Tea Party the other day. Maybe it's an age thing. I felt pretty bad yesterday but fell a lot better today. It was 80 and sunny today so I took Ramen dog to the park and then took the motorcycle out for a short ride. I'm looking forward to riding around the new neighborhood soon and learning my way around. I find it a lot more fun to do all that on a motorcycle.

I'm not that excited about moving into the house yet. Partly because it still seems far away, and partly because there are so many details to take care of and I don't feel I can relax until the keys are actually in my hand. I've got the cable and internet and electricity scheduled to be turned on. Waiting to hear back from the water company. The movers are scheduled. The day before closing I'll fax all the info to my bank for the wire transfer.

I'm mostly waiting until I get moved in to start looking into the things that will happen after, like buying the few things the house needs, finding a new dog park, finding the library, seeing what all restaurants are in the area. Things like that. I'll have three weeks from when I move in until I drive back down to GA and then Nerdstar and I drive to her next Army class over in AZ.

So yeah, on top of getting everything together for the house/move, I'm kinda planning a 9 day road trip.

No complaints though. Just gotta not stress and keep moving forward.

Week One

Not too bad of a first week of Nerdstar being gone. I made a little progress on packing stuff up, worked a couple of days.

Hopefully sometime this weekend Nerdstar will blog about her first week. She's had to get up ass early every morning, do quite a bit of physical training, lots of hurry up and wait, and lots of boring briefings/meetings.

I miss her, but this time seems much easier than when she was deployed to Iraq. Not having to worry about her safety 24/7 makes a huge difference. Also knowing the exact end date helps. Plus, she's got her blackberry with her and we can text a lot. She's got the laptop with her, but internet service has kinda sucked so far.

I have a work from home project that was supposed to start today, but now looks like they won't have it ready until Monday. Many years ago I scored student essays for standardized tests. A while back I found their website and saw that they now have it set up so people can do that from home and applied. It's not a ton of money, but it's better than none and it gives me something to do - which also helps my brain not get all wonky on me while she's gone.

Hectic

I really don't want tomorrow to get here. I don't want my Nerdstar to be gone until Sept.

It's been good that we were both off this week to get all this stuff done. It's been a pretty hectic week. Her focus for a while now has been preparing for OBC and mine has been the house and the move.

Tomorrow morning we get up very, very early and drive down to Georgia. It's about a 12 hour drive. We'll be stopping in Charlotte to get some good grub. She has to check in at noon on Sunday and get squared away in the barracks. Turns out she'll be sharing the room with another chick. Think dorm room but smaller. Hopefully we'll get to see each other Sunday evening. Then Ramen and I drive back Monday. (Ramen dog is fantastic on road trips - thankfully - since he gets to do so many of them.)

Once I get back home, it'll take me at least a day or two to get the place back into some sense of organized and functional. Then it's 3 weeks till closing on the house and the movers show up.

I'm hoping to work some days in there. And, I got a work from home gig for the last couple of weeks of this month that I'm sure I'll write more about later.

I've got lists of things that need to be done, but it still all rattles around my brain all the time.

So, I'll update when I can over the weekend, might just send a few tweets on Twitter.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Nerdstar!! No big plans, just gonna take her to dinner at one of her favorite little places around here.

It's also her last day at her current contractor job. The good part of that is that she's off work until I drive her down to Fort Benning in ten days. We don't have a whole lot planned, gotta get the cars clean, wash the dog, pack her stuff for OBC and her stuff for moving to the new house, gonna see a movie or two. Things like that.

More Life

One month from today is closing day on the house. All I can keep thinking about anytime I'm home is looking at everything we own and picturing putting it into boxes - again. I'm pretty good at packing! I also keep picturing the new house and where things are going to go and the few things I'm going to do "improvement" wise when I move in. I cannot possibly express how happy I'm going to be to not have clutter, to have room to put everything away.

There's some weird stuff going on at Nerdstar's work location. The government people are apparently working to phase out contractors - one of which is Nerdstar. That's fine. She doesn't like this job much anyway. But, by law the actual contract company she works for has to have a job for her when she gets back from OBC in September. I'm not too worried about it. Her skills are valuable and someone will pay her well for them. Of course, she's a little worried, but will be too busy at OBC soon to worry about anything other than how to get through the ten mile run - he he he he. She's going to have a week free before heading off to OBC. That means she at least gets to pack up all her shoes!

As for me and my job - it's anyone's guess. I've ended up out at the other office being the MA quite a bit lately. One doctor is there M-W and has fifteen to nineteen patients a day. He's a decent guy. The doctor on Th. has six to nine patients and is a prima donna. Ugh. Then there's the secretary and the nurse. They're actually pretty cool to work with. I make them laugh. But, that gig might be ending - the chick out for the month might come back. Or might not. I'd give it a ten percent chance they ask if I want to keep working out there. The only reason I might have a chance is that they closed the lab part because the hospital next door the doctors do rounds at don't want competition. However, I might could do the blood work and MA stuff. Who knows. I'm just gonna see what the next couple of months bring.

Then there's the road trips coming up. And the moving. So somewhere in there I'll either be working more for my current peeps, or I'll be looking for a job much closer to the new house.

Not A Bad Week

I got called in to work two days this week. That was a good thing. Too much time not working and my brain turns into something evil. I was working out at the other location as an MA (medical assistant). Being an MA is still not a job I'd like, but it's ok for a few days. I miss drawing blood though. Being an MA at this small doctor's office is more about printing up schedules and patient reports and calling for results and stuff. It's like being a secretary. Plus the doctor that's at that location on Thursdays is not very nice, or competent. So why is it usually the case that incompetent people mask it by being demanding assholes?? I work this coming Tuesday out there, too.

The house hunting has been insane. By the time the agent sends us a listing, we figure out which ones we want to see and find a time to do that - the houses all are either under contract or have five to seven offers. Ugh. It's like chasing our tails.

So we met our agent at 9:30 this morning to go look at six more places. We're just having a really hard time finding a floor plan that suits our needs. Either the master bedroom isn't. Or the kitchens aren't any bigger than the one we have in our apartment. And one of my biggest complaints is how cluttered our kitchen always is.

We finally found a house that we liked the floor plan. It has a beautiful kitchen, the family room has a fireplace and the master bedroom and laundry room are all on the bottom level with the family room. The three bedrooms upstairs will work for a spare bedroom, a workout room, and probably storage. There's tons of room in the laundry room next to the master bedroom to make a lot of it into a walk-in closet, eventually. The fenced back yard has a decent little deck to put a grill on.

There's no garage or storage shed. But that's ok.

We put our offer in. With luck we'll see how many other offers there are this weekend and where ours falls tomorrow night. Our agent wrote an escalation clause. The starting asking price was well under budget so fortunately we've got room to counter other offers.

It's all so scary. I think we both have mixed feelings about the whole thing. If it works out fantastic. If not, well... we'll keep moving forward.

Enough

I'm torturing my poor Nerdstar today. I'm making her clean and organize and prepare to give things to Goodwill. It's just terrible.

Yesterday we finally took a bunch of towels to the local animal shelter. And we still have 10 good towels for two people.

We have three very nice army issued camel back backpacks, a regular backpack, a laptop backpack, two army issued regular backpacks, a cute light blue backpack, two decent sized suitcases, a huge travel backpack, a good travel bag with wheels, and two empty army issued duffle bags. If we ever need to saw up bodies to dispose of - we've got the bags to do the job. And this is after getting rid of stuff.

The only nice thing is I did was to not make her go through her shoe collection today. We'll save that for another day.

She's gotten much, much better about not just buying stuff, so I'm giving her lots of credit for that here! But we've still got a ten year supply of lip balm.

What's Up?

Well Peeps... nada going on here. Still no luck with the house hunting. Am really hoping to go see several more houses the next few days with the gay lady realtor.

The fun thing is, if we want our lease to end in April when it's up - we're supposed to give 60 days notice, which is like, um, Friday. Fun.

I got to work today, out at the other, much more quiet, location as an MA. It's really just secretarial work except it's broken up by having to take someone's temp and blood pressure every so often. The chick is supposed to be out all of March, but I'm not sure when they want me to fill in and when they'll have someone else do it yet.

Nerdstar has to do a physical fitness test Friday for the army to see how her back is and stuff. It's all pretty retarded. Even if she fails the test, I'm not sure that guarantees she doesn't go to OBC. She could go with what is more or less a "note" saying she can only do X amount of physical training while there. And, even if she passes the one Friday, that's not to say she would pass the ones they do the first few days of OBC, and if you fail those they send you home. And we have no idea what getting sent home would mean for her military career.

If anyone's got a spare crystal ball - I'd be more than happy to take it off your hands.

Because I'm Bored

And the pets don't find me particularly amusing.

Thought I'd "live-blog" my evening.

7:50 pm. Nerdstar is up in the sky somewhere between DC and Houston. (Hence my boredom) Waiting for the new season of Survivor - but only because there's nothing else on at 8 p.m. (I still haven't gotten used to being on EST instead of CST.)

7:57 All day has felt like Friday. Which means it will seem even longer until Sunday when Nerdstar gets home. I'm tempted to pack the dog in the car and go play poker in AC. We'll see. Am still hoping to look at houses tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then Saturday.

8:02 Who would have guessed Survivor would be on this long? I'm a bigger fan of The Amazing Race.

8:09 Heh - what a great start to the Survivor season! The outcasts get the easy way to camp, which can only make them more outcast.

8:17 Watching Earl during commercials. Fun. "They even considered having sex with their husbands." Funny.

8:33 The cats decided to get off the bed and come join me for a while. They're so cute. The dog is asleep up against the sofa. (He only gets on the sofa while we're not home.)

8:45 Wow, I bore myself.

9:00 Woohoo time for The Office!

9:04 "There's always a theme."

9:16 I'm tired now, but would bet $100 I won't be able to sleep later.

I'd be twittering all this, but I think that would be obnoxious. Decided to try this instead. Am going to give up this endeavor and just watch 30 Rock and ER.

Interesting Question

Megan has an interesting question over on her blog.

What would make you feel poor?

I had already graduated college and had my own apartment, but not much else. This was when I was still driving my 69 Camaro I'd had since I turned 16. I got into donating plasma for gas and grocery money. That felt pretty poor.

My family didn't have much money when I was growing up, but the idea of poor never, ever occured to me. My mom was a stay at home mom, which I will forever be grateful for. When I was young they gave me a choice between pay as I go, or an allowance. Even then I knew I'd rather be in charge of my own money. I'd rather budget myself than take the chance of them telling me they didn't want to pay for something. If I wanted a $60 pair of shoes and they only wanted to pay $40, I could take the $40 pair or pay the difference. That worked for me.

Somewhere along the way I learned to stop buying things I wouldn't end up using in the long run.

Since Nerdstar and I have been together we went from getting by pretty well, to now when we don't have to worry about money. We eat well. Nerdstar's done her fair share of shopping the past few years. (That's slowed down thankfully.) We've got decent cars, a motorcycle. If we can get a house and not increase our monthly bills by too, too much I'll be thrilled.

Rambling along... what would make me feel poor now? If we couldn't afford even our current level of lifestyle and went into debt. We're not debt free, but we're getting closer all the time. I'd hate for that to change.

Complicated

Ugh. I'm so tired of life being more complicated than I'd like.

Nerdstar got her official orders for Officer Basic Course yesterday. If they stand, and I'm pretty sure at this point they will, she has to be down in Georgia starting April 5 for seven weeks, then has four days to get to Arizona for three months.

She went to base yesterday to find out what the hell is up with her medical stuff. She ended up going way up the chain of command because that's who she found in the office. Evidently all the paperwork she's been submitting hasn't been routed anywhere it needed to be. Hopefully this higher up will get some answers. BUT. I have a feeling that even if she get some sort of medical profile, it won't prevent her from doing OBC altogether.

All along, for the past couple of years, Nerdstar's had mixed feelings about OBC. It's something that would give her a feeling of accomplishment. If she's going to stick with the reserves and try to finish out her 20, well, of course this is necessary. As for me, well, I've been pretty clear that I would really prefer she get out of the army altogether. It interferes with our lives too damn much. A year ago, or so, I told her she could go to OBC and I'd move back to Austin and see what happened from there. But now we're trying to get a house and settle down and have a grown up life.

All I want is a house and a baby. WTF is that so hard? Yes, the house can happen even if she's heading out. But once again the army fucks up our baby plans.

Anyway. Nothing is set in stone yet. We'll see what the next six to eight weeks bring.

Progress

Just over year after we bought my parents a computer and got them to at least venture onto the slow lane of the internets - I've finally received a couple of emails from my Dad/The Kid. Wonders never cease.

Updates

Interesting developments this evening.

We had to take Ramen dog to get his wound checked out at our regular vet. We've seen this vet lady three or four times before, she's nice. I had on a Baylor University sweatshirt that she noticed - she went to Baylor, too! We overlapped, but I never really knew that many people there. Nerdstar went there, but at a totally different time. So we all got to talking about living in TX vs living here. She really likes it here, but has family in Austin and gets to go there more often than we do. (She misses breakfast tacos, too!)

Anyway. Come to find out she's just started the process of applying for a mortgage and looking for a house in the same areas and price range we are. So she gave us the name of her realtor! That's cool because we were just praying last night that God would provide people to help us with all this. Once we get the pre-approval letter, which should happen tomorrow, we'll make an appointment with the realtor dude.

BUT...

Nerdstar also got a phone call from a company who's been wanting to hire her for a while now, but couldn't get it all together. The job is located up in the north east corner of MD, between Baltimore and Wilmington, DE. We looked online at houses in that area and they seem nicer and cheaper than here, and they seem to have really big yards - which we would love.

The problem - well, although they're willing to pay relocation costs, which would help tremendously, the salary they're offering is $10K less per year. That's a big drop, even if our mortgage would be 2/3 of what it would be here. She's going to talk to them and see if there's anyway they could only drop the salary $5K a year.

Then there's my job crap. I emailed the boss lady last Thursday about working - didn't hear from her at all. I called this afternoon and spoke with one of the techs and left a message, but nada. What sucks is that I wish they'd lay me off so I could apply for unemployment, I'd make more money than working four or five days a month like is happening now. But I realized until this house/mortgage thing is finalized, it's better to at least be on someone's payroll. Although, my pay isn't really enough to be a real factor in our financing.

Anyway. We'll see what happens on all fronts this week. Trying not to let it explode my head.

Changes and Unknowns

I am sure that this year will end with life being different than it is now. But there are so many unknowns and lurking complications.

One thing we plan on achieving this year is buying our first house. When we moved here almost two years ago, we didn't plan on staying here long because there was no way we could afford a house - they were simply way too overpriced. Now, we're hoping they are in range.

We talked with a mortgage man this evening, and will give him the rest of the info necessary tomorrow to get a formal pre-approval letter. We're pretty sure we qualify for more money than we intend to spend.

The next part is finding a real estate agent.

But the tricky part is finding a livable house in our price range that isn't thirty miles from where Nerdstar currently works. She's currently working in Maryland, fairy close to DC. We're probably an equal distance from DC the other direction. Unfortunately, Maryland is a pretty liberal state and has really raised taxes in the past year and has dramatically fallen in it's ratings as a business friendly state. Not good. If a state can't attract and/or keep businesses, then the tax burden becomes even higher.

That leaves us looking in a fairly expensive county in Virginia. The more affordable neighborhoods are another twenty miles further from her current job.

Now, she's not happy with her current job and it's a safe bet she won't be there a year from now. But most jobs of the type she's in are located in let's say a thirty mile radius of DC. DC is not a city to buy a house in - for a lot of the same reasons as Maryland, plus more crime.

Our real estate agent is really going to earn their money with us.

Ok, so. Buying a house. One big life decision.

Add to that the possibility of Nerdstar still having to go away for a few months to Officer Basic Course. What sucks is that she's been putting this off for a long time when now it turns out it might have been better if she'd just gotten it over with a year ago. But still, if she has to, she has to - maybe in April. She's still waiting for all this medical review stuff regarding her back - but she can't get any answers about it. Now, our lease is up in May, so we're hoping for a closing date in April. It's not that I couldn't move stuff into the new house without her, it just wouldn't be any fun!

We're kinda torn about all of that, because we've decided if this whole house thing is a total failure, we'll take the money we've saved for a down payment and just head back to Austin and be poor and happy. I could get the same kind of job there, but the type of work she does in limited to the DC area. It's hard to give up the salary she makes.

We'll be happy here for a while if we get a house, and there's certainly still much I want to do and see here. But, you know how we feel about Austin.

As if all that wasn't enough fun for our little brains - we're also trying to have a baby. I don't blog much about it because there's nothing much to blog. We've had two tries at getting her preggers, no luck. What would suck most about her going to OBC is the delay in more tries, if she doesn't succeed before April.

So that's our life these days.

Work and Such

I keep hoping to work at least a couple of days a week at the doc offices. I worked last Thursday and Friday, and haven't heard anything from them since. Ugh. Yesterday that was probably ok as I was kinda ill all day - tummy troubles and a slight fever.

I've talked about maybe going back to office work. I still don't want to go buy a whole new wardrobe.

One other option is to work for one of the two major lab companies, although I know they don't treat their employees all that well. That might become more of an option soon though.

The other unknown out there is the hope that we'll be buying a house soon. And I have a feeling that house will be over in Maryland and not all that close to where we now live. Provided we can fight a cheap, nice house in a decent neighborhood.

The reason I was hoping this current job would work out three or four days a week is that it would give me time to do house hunting during the week. And if we're moving maybe 30 miles north, I think it'd be smart to wait to find office work then and there.

But, it would also suck to not work more than a few days a month for the next three or so months. Bleh.

UPDATE: Of course, they called me to work tomorrow. woo hoo.

Weekend and Wii Workouts

My cold was relatively mild and short lived - for which I am very grateful. I took Zinc and Mucinex and that's about it. There never seems to be a cold medicine that has the right combination of symptoms and actually works.

We've had a pretty quiet weekend. We took Ramen dog to the park yesterday. It's amazing how he knows which days we should take him. I'm sure it has to do with both of us being home and sleeping in.

Then last night we drove up to Baltimore to go see the rodeo. J&B met us up there. It was fun! Nerdstar has two events in Vegas that she always wants to go to - the Pro Rodeo finals, and the adult video awards.

Today is more relaxing and some working out.

We've had the Wii Fit for a while - but it's too repetitive and ended up being hard to get a good solid workout on. For Christmas, Nerdstar got me My Fitness Coach for the Wii. We got it all set up - it actually asks you for body measurements - but my cold set in and we haven't done any workouts with it yet. It also asks you what workout equipment you have at home - so we'll see how well it incorporates them. And it looks like there's a place to add in additional workouts - like if we go do the treadmills in our little apartment complex gym.

Christmas Recap

Our travels were nice and smooth, which you can never count on during winter and/or the holidays. The airport wasn't desolate Christmas day, but it wasn't too busy either. Christmas night we actually were wrapping gifts and getting things ready for the next day when The Kid got there. So our Christmas was actually the 26th. It was the usual open presents, eat and nap.

The next day I finally got my Whataburger - they were closed Christmas day. Then we went to Six Flags holiday in the park. It was mostly warm during the day, but really windy! I got to ride several roller coasters - which is always a good thing. The Kid is just big enough to ride a few of them, so that was cool. Plus there was funnel cake!

Sunday was sleeping in and then bowling, pool and air hockey. Nerdstar and I are much better at Wii bowling than actual bowling alley bowling! We had the gutter guards up for The Kid, so he totally beat us both games.

Monday was just hanging out until our evening flight. We decided to take a chance and park at the metro station (which at least used to have "no overnight parking" signs) because the cheap long term parking lot at the airport was full. I was fairly certain the car wouldn't be towed or anything, I'd had some coworkers say they'd parked there for trips. It all worked out and we spent a total of $16 bucks to get to the airport and park instead of $100. Nice!

While all of the above was fun, it was hard, as usual, to be at my parents' house. My brother can be a complete dickhead and yells too much sometimes. My mother has a complete inability to stop talking. And I'm just not close to my dad. They're all quite used to their disfunction, so I'm the odd man out. i wish I knew how to handle it better, but I don't. I finally fully realized that's why I'm never all excited about Christmas. I hope that changes in the future.

For now it's good to be back home. We always miss the pets and our nice comfy bed. I went and got Ramen from the pet resort - now he's crashed out on the floor. Little Man is crashed out by me on the sofa. And Silly as the bed all to herself. Life is good.

Plans

Still waiting for our actual holidays to get started. Nerdstar had to work today, hoping she gets out of there soon. Then we get to take the dog to some overly fancy dog spa/hotel for his Christmas vacation. We're paying for him per night almost what we'd pay for a nice cheap hotel on some of our road trips. Then they have all sorts of extras that are almost amusing. No, I'm not feeling at all guilty for not buying him a cardio job, or tender loving cuddles, or a water work out. It's the ultimate in nickle and dimed.

We fly to Dallas tomorrow. I'm not expecting any weather hassles, it'll be in the 50s here and there tomorrow. I have to wrap the presents I had sent directly there by Amazon.

The Kid gets there the day after christmas, so things will really start then.

Mostly, i can't wait for some Whataburgers!!

Once again, Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Lonely

It's the weekend before Christmas and I'm home alone. Yep, feeling pretty lonely.

We've lived here for almost two years and we have one couple that we're kinda friends with, that's it. I really have to find a way to make some friends this coming year. I sometimes think maybe finding a church to go to would help. Back in my churchgoing days I had a lot of close friends. I lost those friends due to the gay thing, or the distance thing, or whatever thing. So I have mixed feelings about all of it. But in the eleven plus years since then, I haven't made too many other good friendships. Work friends that stay friends after jobs are rare, but cool.

It's been since before I met Nerdstar that I really had a close friend/confidant.

Blog friends are good - otherwise I wouldn't write this blog. But it's not the same as hanging out.

Sigh.

Grandpa Update

He's doing much better and they hope to let him go home in three or four days. He's 90 and I thank God this wasn't more serious. This is such a sucky time of year go get/be sick, but I think lots of people get sick due to all the stress.

Nerdstar and her sister and having a decent time shopping and doing the gradation stuff.

Home Alone

Nerdstar's grandpa got sick a couple of days ago, got a fever he couldn't shake and a wet cough. Her sister took him to the hospital and got him checked in. Nerdstar flew down today to go be with him and make sure he's ok. After losing grandma a couple of years ago, she's really afraid of losing grandpa, too. She was scheduled to go down to Houston this weekend anyway for her sister's graduation from culinary school.

Grandpa apparently has a bad respiratory infection, they're hoping the antitbiotics will help overnight.

Say a little prayer for them all.

Oh Hell No.

I'm pretty sure I've got a wisdom tooth growing in. Ugh. I'm 40 years old. WTF?

When I was in 3rd grade, my dentist knew he was going to be putting braces on me, and apparently just couldn't wait. He said I had Cadillac teeth in a Volkswagen mouth - my teeth were too big. So he pulled six baby teeth and then four permanent teeth out of the bone. Not a fun day. Once all of that healed, I was in braces for almost two years and they tortured me monthly.

I hate going to the dentist. I've done it less than five times in the past ten or fifteen years.

I simply can't imagine having this new growth pulled out. Hell, it's way back in the back and they would have a hard time even fitting the necessary equipment in my mouth. I would want to be totally knocked out before they even did the first shot in my mouth. The last time I had my teeth cleaned they used that stuff that is rubbed on to make your gums numb - she swore it always worked and no one ever felt anything. I DID.

I just hate it.

So it just needs to stop growing, moving, whatever. RIGHT. NOW.

Happy Thanksgiving!

There is no rational explanation for it, but I am more at peace and optimistic and thankful this year than I remember feeling in the past.

I'm even trying to download some decent versions of traditional Christmas carols. Ugh. This from someone who generally believes Halloween and Thanksgiving are a one day holidays, and there should be no hint of Christmas at all until after Thanksgiving. Even then, maybe we should only have them every other year. They just seem to lose their meaning when "the holidays" last for three months every year.

Anyway. Can't say that life is significantly different this Thanksgiving than last. Once again, though, I'm hopeful this time next year will be different. That same old dream of a house and a baby.

I know things are hard for a lot of people at this time. I hate that.

So I pray you enjoy this Thanksgiving with loved ones. And that you truly have a list of things to be thankful for.

Enjoy the turkey and the football and the naps and the friends and family at your table.

Another Good Weekend

Now that I'm working again, I really, really appreciate weekends again!

Yesterday we did our part for the economy and spent about $100 on a couple of pounds of coffee, four pair of socks, and some new insoles for my tennis shoes I work in. Yes, we're coffee and sock snobs!

We had a good lunch at a place we hadn't been to in a while.

Then we had the maintenance man turn our pilot light for the fireplace back on and show us how to get it to heat the room - it really does! I turned the whole thing off when we first moved in because I didn't want to pay for the gas to use it. We'll see how much it costs us this month, and if it's too much I know how to turn it back off. When we eventually buy a house, one of the "musts" is that it have a wood burning fireplace.

Ramen dog thinks that any day we're both home means it's dog park day. So today was his day. We took him to the park and then to get a bath - he's so shiny and fluffy!!

We still gotta get some groceries, including a turkey for Thanksgiving. Yummy!

Another Good Weekend

We had a really nice weekend. The weather has been nearly perfect.

Friday night we went to dinner and then to see Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Nerdstar's a fan of Kevin Smith, has read a couple of his books and we've both listened to his podcasts for a while now. We'd been looking forward to the movie. It was pretty good. Some parts were just sort of ho-hum and others had us really laughing. What makes it all more fun for us to watch is that Nerdstar's lifelong dream has been to make pornos. Seriously. Not necessarily to be IN them, but to make them.

Saturday was home cooked breakfast day, then off to the dog park with Ramen dog. Last weekend was supposed to be the Halloween party at the dog park, but it rained all day last Saturday, so we found out when we got there they had moved it to yesterday. There were a ton of dogs there. A few were in costumes and such. We've often joked about how Ramen used to be homeless, using drugs, and ending up in porn (yes there's a theme there) before we found him at the shelter. But it would be pretty hard to turn any of those things into a suitable costume. We joked we could put him in ratty clothes and give him one of those kid-sized grocery carts. But I don't think anyone would really get it.

Then we took the motorcycle out for a spin. That's always nice. We ended the day with a decent dinner out.

Today was lazy day. Laundry, a trip to the library, a trip to the grocery store.

We just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was ok. Decent but not the best we've seen.

Just In Time

I finally heard back from the lab I interviewed with. I have a day and a half of orientation next week and then will do two weeks of training and then see what the schedule holds after that. I'm not starting off full time, but will fill in as people take time off. It'll be good to ease back into working.

It's just in time because my brain is starting to turn on me being home this much. I have an evil brain that likes dark thoughts.

Yesterday was nice, though. I took the motorcycle out for a little while. I rode down past Mount Vernon again to the little park by the water. It's such a pretty area. The trees here are starting to turn fall colors, but it's not at it's peak yet from what I remember from last year. Anyway, there's just something about riding through beautiful areas that's good for the soul.

Clothes

I know most people like to do spring cleaning, but I find cold, rainy weather brings out the cleaner in me. Or maybe it's because I've got all this time on my hands and I'm feeling restless. I tackled part of our closet yesterday looking for cooler weather wear. Because a decent sized closet and three chest of drawers just isn't enough room, there were lots of clothes in piles and hard to sort through. We got them more neatly organized. (Nerdstar came home in the middle of my project and got to help out some.)

I'd say 80% of the clothes and shoes we own are Nerdstar's. She loves shopping, unfortunately, mostly for shoes and t-shirts. Me, I hate shopping because I'm too fat. What sucks is that if I just lost about ten to twenty pounds I could wear a lot more of her clothes. Her chest is bigger than mine, but I have a bigger belly. She also tends to buy tight fitting stretchy stuff. Another reason I don't have many clothes is due to wearing scrubs to work for the past few years. That to me is/was a great reason to stay in that line of work!

I'm working out with the Wii Fit, so far the amount of working out I'm doing must be breaking even with whatever I'm eating. I'm not losing weight yet, but I'm not gaining any either. I have had sore muscles, I need to stretch more. I've been the same weight for over a year, now if I can just start losing a little.

Anyway, I didn't intend to write any of this! Funny how often that happens when I open up MT to blog.

Monday

You know it's a really interesting day when you're to do list includes things like cutting your nails. shaving your legs, and cleaning the toilet. Throw in a trip to the grocery store to buy a few things and man, I'm not sure I can handle the excitement.

Zoo

We decided the weather was absolutely perfect for going to the zoo, Nerdstar's favorite place.

It was a wonderful day. The humans are the most fun to watch.

"There's a river of people that runs past my eyes, and it's beautiful enough just to watch it go by." Ani

Not Fun

Well, our PC got some nasty, nasty virus. I spent quite a while yesterday trying to get rid of it. Then last night we went and got Norton, but that didn't even work. I was up until about 3 a.m. working on it. So, it either needs to be shot or taken in for professional care. Ugh. It got something similar a week or so ago, and I was able to do a system restore to a prior date and fix it, not this time. We've got the Mac, but it doesn't have all the same stuff on it as the PC, so that's kind of a pain in the butt. I've got most everything backed up on a thumb drive, but so much of isn't compatible with a Mac. Fun.

Also, yesterday morning when I was in the shower, the smoke alarm started going off, I have no idea why. Scared poor Ramen to death. By the time I got out of the shower it stopped. Then did a couple more short alarms. So I just unhooked the thing. I hooked it back up today, so far so good.

I hate when things don't work. It kinda drives me a little crazy. My brain works non-stop to solve problems, so if there's something hanging out there needed to be fixed or whatever it's hard to let it be for a while.

Saturday

I woke up feeling a little guilty for just quitting like I did. One thing about this job - I often found it making me be an asshole, and I don't like that. There are a few reasons, maybe not good ones, why I just quit instead of doing the whole two week notice thing. Most of them have to do with mr manager man. Back in March when I was ready to quit, he was perfectly willing to let me go, no questions asked really. That's when I went over his head and ended up working the 3 day a week schedule. So I didn't figure I owned him more this time. Another big reason was I just didn't want to listen to him cuss and throw a fit when I told him I'd be leaving. I found out yesterday another lady just gave him her two week notice! He's also bad about telling everyone what they want to hear, and then not really doing what he says. I figured he'd done that to me again, causing problems with the new supervisor chick. Bottom line is, he's been a bad manager the whole time I worked there. I didn't feel like dealing with him or the drama for the next two weeks.

Anyway. It's done.

I really don't know what's next because we're waiting on some other news in the next two weeks regarding Nerdstar's work situation.

Today we went and got massages. Nice. I'll be sore later, but it's worth it. It's also the best moisturizing your skin can get! Then we had lunch at a little Irish pub/fish place. Best fish and chips I've had.

Nerdstar's family in Houston is fine, and really, really hoping the electricity isn't out for long.

Done

Well, for better or worse I quit my job this afternoon. It won't fully sink if for a while.

Who knows what's next.

More of Today

Yesterday was stressful enough, I was hoping for a quiet, productive day today. There's laundry to be done, books to be picked up at the library, and then taking the dog to the park to burn off some of his cabin fever.

There was a nasty incident at the dog park. One man was there with his dog, and on the way to the enclosed area, Ramen dog pooped, and no, I didn't pick it up. I didn't take any poop bags with me because there are usually some at the park, and the place he pooped wasn't where anyone walks. I heard the man yell "pick it up" and ignored him. About ten minutes, maybe less after we got into the park, the man and his dog were leaving. The man came over and was a complete ass, so I told him he was being an asshole. Then ended up telling him to fuck off. I'm sick of people bossing people around, being bullies. If he'd started the conversation off nicely, I would have been nicer in response.

This park has a fence around it with two gates - one right after the other, so you can come in the first gate, close it, unleash your dog(s), and then let them in the second gate. This park is also 50 yards from 6 lanes of local traffic.

On his way out the man deliberately left BOTH gates wide open. When I went to close them Ramen came running through them, out them and down the street. I yelled after the man who was already 100 yards or so down that street that he was a complete son of a bitch. At first Ramen was going away from the street, perpendicular to it, down by a creek. But before I could get him to come to me - and right about the time he was close to the man - he darted into the street and was almost hit by a car. At that time I'm yelling at the man to GET HIM and he doesn't.

Thankfully at that point Ramen came back to me. He didn't even seem to be phased by any of it.

I don't know when I've ever been so angry at another person. At that time I wished with all my heart that gypsy curses and/or voodoo dolls worked so I could punish him terribly. This is nothing I could have done or said for him to endanger my dogs life.

Fail

Apparently I am not even capable of quitting a job.

There was more b.s. with the new chick this morning - which either means she's evil or my boss is a liar. Either is a possible explanation. And so I spent all day waiting to quit. I really don't want to talk to my boss about it. There is nothing to be gained and all he's going to do is throw a fit that I'm not giving him two weeks notice. Now, if that two weeks wouldn't be full of more b.s. I might consider staying two more weeks. But, honestly, I'm done. One of the basic realizations is just how much no one there appreciates just how much more I get done every day than they do. If fact, I'm pretty sure a lot of them resent me for several different reasons. So - they can suck it. I finally realized that there's no making this situation better. The new chick could have come in and treated me as an ally instead of apparently trying to put me in my place.

Ok, so as to the actual quitting - my brilliant plan was to wait for my boss to leave for the day. He's rarely there past 2:30 or 3, I leave at 4. Then when it was time to go home I was just going to hand my badge and keys over to the assistant manager who's mostly cool and tell him I'm not coming back. But nooo... boss man just had to work late today. Plan blown.

One way or another I will quit Friday.

I do need to see if I can get with the employee health nurse Friday and get updated records of my TB tests and such so I'll have them.

Possibilities

On the surface life looks like it's slowly moving along, nothing really happening. But there are some slightly possible changes out there and thinking about them all has my brain all exhausted.

I decided I really am sick of my job and might as well start looking into other options. It's no secret I hate the whole process of finding a new job, but I'm trying to take it slow and steady. At my current job, the afternoon supervisor position went to someone who I should have known from the day it was announced it was going to go to. I was slightly annoyed that our manager just didn't tell everyone from the start that the position was created for this person. Hope she enjoys it - I'm not sure she knows what all she's in for. I'm mostly relieved I didn't get it.

So after spending several days mulling over and discussing all my job related stuff, Nerdstar comes home yesterday and says she's in talks with yet another company - one she's tried to get hired by in the past. The big news there is if it works out we'd be moving halfway across the country again. (Unfortunately not to Texas.)

Throw in some really difficult state of our relationship conversations, and I'm ready to roll over and play dead for a while. I'd like some stability please.

Weekend

The rest of our long weekend was really nice. One thing about living in the DC area that I find weird, but good for us, is how this place empties out on holiday weekend. There was very little traffic. Unfortunately, it also meant they were working on the metro train lines and they weren't very user friendly.

We spent a lot of the weekend taking Nerdstar's friend to a few of our local favorite restaurants.

Yesterday we were in DC proper and it was like a ghost town, not even the usual throng of toursits. Nice! We went to the Spy Museum. It's pretty cool.

Oh yeah. We went to see Tropic Thunder the other night. I'm not a fan of Ben Stiller, so I wasn't really excited about seeing this movie. It was hysterical! I was really surpised at how smart it is.

Celebrities

We've had a celebrity filled couple of days this week. Well, celebrities to us.

Thursday we turned on our urban hipster mode and went over to a cool little neighborhood in DC to an even cooler little bar, Bourbon, that served the best burgers we've ever had in a restaurant, to hear Whitney of Pop Candy do an interview and Q&A. She also did some dj spinning, but we were too old to stay out that late on a school night. We spoke with Whitney for a few minutes. In spite of having one of the coolest jobs out there, she is really, really nice.

Then yesterday afternoon we were out and about with a friend of Nerdstar's (and now mine) at the local upscale mall and I recognized Newt Gingrich hanging out talking on his phone. Now, I realize 90% of my readers probably don't like the man, but I've been a huge fan of his ideas for a long, long time. Yes, he's a Republican, but his main goal is problem solving. Anyway. We kept hanging around waiting for him to get off the phone, but that wasn't happening. I sent Nerdstar and her friend off to shop and I hung out a bit longer. Then his wife met up with him, but he was still on the phone. Anyway. I did finally get to shake his hand, tell him I appreciate all his work, and that although I didn't buy his book, I did check it out of the library the other day :-)

But when it comes to hanging with celebrities, Nerdstar's friend lives on Hawaii's North Shore - so they're a dime a dozen to her.

Nada

Nothing new around here. That's not a bad thing. Just watching people run very fast in the Olympics. Kinda cool.

Looks like I'm waiting to see what my boss decides about who's going to be afternoon supervisor. Still not really leaning either way.

Nerdstar's going to take two weeks leave of absence from one job to go give another job a trial run. It's certainly nice to be able to try out a job before totally committing to it.

Week Update

Can't say this was my favorite week. Nerdstar and I keep getting into tiffs over my culture vs yours. But we keep getting into even bigger tiffs over just how much time the army takes up when it's only supposed to take one weekend a month and two weeks a year. Ugh. I am so sick of the army. I understand there are things she gets out of it, but I'm hoping she finds those things in other ways soon.

That's on top of staying up too late too many nights watching the Olympics. I'm getting a little bored now, at least they switch to track and field soon - so we can watch people fast on land as opposed to in the water.

As for Phelps, I think Lance Armstrong's 7 Tour victories are much more amazing. Plus Tiger's record. And I'm not sure I'll ever think an athlete is better than Jordan. Even in this Olympics, there are people like May and Walsh who'd have more medals than Phelps if they got one for every win instead of just one for the whole tournament. Yes, theirs is a team sport, but still... I'm not saying I'm not impressed with Phelps, just that I don't think he's the greatest.

All of this had made me grumpy at work. Not good. Today was better though.

A while back I was supposed to have an interview with this other company to work at a lab closer to home. While I was in Cali a different guy from that agency called about the same position. Ugh. So I decided to check it out. I had the interview yesterday. It was ok, but I'm still not 100% yippee about working for the other company.

To make it more fun, my current boss sent out an email saying he wants to hire a "assistant supervisor" for the 9:30 to 6 shift. Heh. That wouldn't be so funny if there wasn't already a supervisor on that shift screwing everything up. So, I told him I was interested. Problem is, he's out of town soon and won't be making any decisions until after the 2nd. I gotta put the other job stuff on hold.

I could also end up leaving thing just like they are - which is also fine. As of today I'm not thrilled about any particular option.

Update

Yesterday was a decent day.

I had looked at a map of the area around here and found a road that goes along the Potomac and thought it would be a cool motorcycle ride. I don't ride as much around here as I'd like because it's generally pretty scary to drive a car around here, and I take it personally when someone tries to run me over on my motorcycle and it makes me feel all homicidal. Not fun.

Anyway. The weather was perfect and I taped my little map to the gas tank and off I went. Then, I proceeded to misread the map and kept having to make u-turns. Thankfully, the original route wasn't too terribly long, because I ended up doing it all wrong. Instead of riding about 45 miles, I rode about 70. The upside is that the gas in the tank was getting old and I needed to use it up and put new stuff in.

It is a cool road with some nice places to stop and watch the river roll by, and it goes right in front of Mount Vernon, which is kinda neat. I'll take Nerdstar once she gets back.

Then I watched a couple of dvds.

First up was Big Rig. It was ok. The coolest part of watching it was seeing all the places we'd been to on all of our road trips.

Then I watched a sad little film called The Dead Girl. I wouldn't recommend it. Not sure why I thought it would be good and Netflixed it. I try to avoid those kind of movies - dark and independent. It's like watching too much CSI, real life can suck enough, don't need to watch that sort of thing. (Shut up, I know Buffy has it's dark stuff, but in the end it's all good.)

Not much planned for the weekend so far. I'm pretty sick of my own company.

Oh, but I have gone out and played some free poker lately at a nearby restaurant. Too many of the people are missing too many of teeth for my taste, but I did meet one nice couple. Bonus, in one tourney I got 4th place out of about 65 people, in another I got 7th. Not too shabby.

Half Way

Well, we're at the halfway point until I see my Nerdstar again. I think this is the least depressed I've been of all the times she's been away from home. I'm doing a decent job of getting some things done on my days off, and keeping myself entertained. We've also gotten to talk a lot more this time, which also helps tremendously!

She's not having any fun at all and finds the whole thing pretty frustrating. I'm proud of her for stepping up when things need to be done, and for not going postal as I probably would.

Not much planned for the rest of the weekend. I finished up the John Adams series the other night. I didn't know he and Abigale were married for over 50 years. Wow.

I decided to try to tackle Democracy In America by Alexis DeTocqueville. I think I got a good translation of both volumes. We'll see how much of it I get read, but I think it's worth trying.

Other than that I'm still finishing up season 6 of Buffy. I'm going to start at the beginning of Doctor Who and see how far I get.

Stream of Consciousness

It's 9:41 p.m. Saturday night and I'm surfing around the internet, trying not to feel too lonely, or to think too much, or to let too much boredom in. It wasn't a bad day, but...

About 11 years ago, maybe closer to 12 by now, I first heard Ani Difranco. Wow. Within a month of hearing Shameless and a couple of other songs for the first time, I had every cd she had made. And while I can't agree with her politics, I still think she should be required listening for every 12 year old - boys and girls.

So, I'm listening to a webstream of some performance of hers, and feeling wistful and nostalgic.

About the time I found Ani, I found lesbian chatrooms. Sometimes I miss them. Sure, they were full of drama and bullshit, but I also made some good friends. Blogging is similar, but not really the same.

Pause...

After reading the book that had the stuff about Greta Garbo the other day, I Netflixed Ninotchka, one of her later movies. As many old movies as I've watched, I had never seen one of hers. If I hadn't read the biography of Stalin I wouldn't have enjoyed the movie nearly as much. It was also interesting watching her knowing how much she later couldn't bring herself to make any more movies and hated what we would call the celebrity side of life.

Pause...

Ok, now, don't laugh. I caught Herbie Fully Loaded on my tv late last night and I watched a lot of it because of Ms Lohan being in it and all the news of her and her g/f Sam lately. And honestly. I feel bad for Ms Lohan. Right up until I had my first g/f my senior year of high school, I had lots of boyfriends. I know how weird it is for everyone to wrap their heads around the idea of "oh, you're with a girl now." But imagine if you had to figure all that out while also being some "movie star" with a particular image to maintain to keep working and all that crap. And even with all of our *cough* lesbian role models out there - I don't think it's like she's got people around her to help her with this whole new identity thing. No, I don't see Ellen picking up the phone and saying "hey, welcome to club - here's some tips on things." Hmmm, did find this nice blurb on Gawker (through Goggle, I don't normally read Gawker.)

Anyway. Just something taking up way too much of my brain.

Pause...

The six hour time difference between here and Hawaii is a total pain in my ass.

Pause... (Mom and The Kid called)

Not sure you've noticed the Grocery Shrink Ray phenon, but The Consumerist has been all over it - and it pisses me off every time I read about. Now I guess I need to pay more attention and stop buying products manufacturers do this to.

Pause...

Thank God for limitless texting. It's the easiest way for us to keep in touch since the Army is keeping her rather busy with early morning runs (ha ha ha) and meeting after meeting after meeting.

Long Pause...

Last but not least in this way too long post. Patton Oswalt's speech he gave at his former high school's graduation. Via Michele.

It's 11:22 now, and I need a shower and to at least try to sleep soon.

Rest of the Weekend

Friday we finally got things worked out with LA-Z Boy. Apparently it was a delivery mistake and not the crazy sales ladies. They had canceled out the order after Nerdstar called Thursday, so we stopped by Friday and resigned the paperwork and were guaranteed Sunday delivery.

Yep, we have a new sofa. Of course, then the delivery guys fleeced us for $25 cash to take the old one away. Not wanting to hassle with it, we paid it.

Saturday we had some fun. I've been wanting to try river kayaking for quite a while. I found a place over in Maryland that offers classes. I thought that would be a cool thing to do for this 4th weekend since we didn't go out of town or anything. Thankfully it was cloudy and about 80 and not hot and sunny! It was really nice to be out on the river. The instructor was nice and there were about ten other people in the class.

One good thing to learn is that you should start out paddling against the current, that way when you're tired and on your way back to where you started, you can mostly just float. I knew about currents and such in rivers, but man, it was still tiring. One of the frustrating things about being with a group was not being able to really rest when I needed to. If it had been just Nerdstar and I, we would have been out there for about two hours instead of over three, and at a slower pace. But, I know it's always good to take a class before trying something new, though.

I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be today, but my left arm is still pretty weak from too much use! Maybe eventually I'll find us some cheap used kayaks.

The best part of yesterday was going for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants, Houston's. We even had some good key lime pie!

Today the sofa was delivered and our other goal is to go wash the dog. There's a self wash place close to here that's really cool. And the shampoo and conditioner they have there is really good stuff.

Rant

I'm so tired of feeling nickel and dimed and ripped off in this damn city.

We went out to eat last week, parked in the nearest parking garage, took our ticket with us to the restaurant. The waiter said we didn't need validation on the ticket - just our receipt, which is kinda how I remembered it working last time we went and didn't take the receipt with us. Of course, we go to leave the garage and the attendant says we have to have the ticket stamped, NOT the receipt. Fuckers. It was $3 buck, but frustrating.

Last Wednesday night we went to LA-Z Boy a couple of blocks away and found a sofa we liked that was comfy, even if in a color we didn't like. So we went back Thursday to purchase it. It was easier to buy my new car. The ladies there just couldn't seem to get their heads out of their butts. They were very nice, just incompetent on the computers. Fine. Then the terms of the sale kept differing from the promotions advertised on the signs in the store. Fine. When we left we were under the impression the sofa would be delivered Tuesday. Nope. When Nerdstar called they said it wasn't scheduled - why not? you said it was when we left the store - so they scheduled it for today. Again, nope. They said they'd schedule it for Sunday. At that point, I'm all fuck em. If they can't get their shit together, they can't have my money. So, she called them back and canceled the whole thing. Now we just have to see if they actually refund the $350 we had to put down.

Now, what sucks is we have to start over looking for a new sofa. I tried their website hoping we could purchase it online and avoid the dumbfucks - that particular sofa isn't for sale online, of course. We could to do a different store location and start over with them. Maybe. The next closest store is at least 30 minutes away.

I wish these events were out of the ordinary, but they don't seem to be.

Waitstaff at all the different places we eat can be hit or miss. Too often it feels like we're invisible.

Ugh.

Another Weekend

Friday evening for dinner we met up with this couple we first met down in Austin who moved here before we did. The wife is Korean and the husband a white dude. Their little boy is such a cutie.

Later things got rocky, Nerdstar and I had one of our rare but unnerving "how do we make this relationship work or not work" conversations. I don't write much about our relationship, partly because I'm not at all sure how to make some of it make any sense. It mostly works for us, we've mostly had the same problems all 9 years, which I hear is normal. We tend to have troubles with the same things all couples have trouble with - communication and money. But we have more fun that not. If only she loved me as much as she loves food.... (one of these days I'll write out a list of all the times she exhibits a deep and profound love of food that I've never seen her display over me).

That made work Saturday rather rough. I was in no mood to be nice to sick dumbasses.

Then we did some lunch and shopping.

Last night we met up with a new member of her reserve unit that recently moved to the DC area and his wife and little boy. The wife is Chinese and is going to be in Beijing as a translator at the Olympics, how cool is that? It's always tricky when I'm with her around her army peeps, but we don't worry about it too much. A few weeks ago we even went out on a boat with her commander's commander. That woman knew exactly how to do "don't ask/don't tell." Most people mess up the don't ask part because they're unaware that even asking if you're married, or have kids, or who you live with can be tricky questions for gay people and could in some way "out" them.

Today was more shopping. It turned into an expensive weekend, but it's all stuff we need.

We've also been watching "I Love the New Millenium" on VH1 - simple pleasures.

No real plans for the 4th. It sounds like it would be cool to be down on the National Mall for all the events and fireworks, but it's really a long, hot day down there, so I'm not sure we'd be up to it. We thought about going out of town, but it looks very likely Nerdstar's going to have to go to Hawaii again next month for her annual training with her army unit. Ugh. More on that later.

Hope your weekend was a good one!!

Emtpy Again

We had a really good time having The Kid and my brother here. Although it was weird having gross boys in the house.

Tuesday we took them out to the Air and Space Museum out by Dulles Airport (as opposed to the one in DC). We spent hours looking at all kinds of airplanes, it was cool.

That night he saw our racketball rackets and wanted to go play - so we took him over to the courts and played for a while. It was funny.

Wednesday Nerdstar had to work, so my brother and I took The Kid to the Natural History Museum so he could see all the dinosaurs and stuff. He loved it. It was more fun for him because there were more hands on things - which is important for kids who can't read all the info yet. That night was more racketball.

Thursday we decided to sleep in and just went to see Kung Fu Panda.

Here's a funny video of The Kid after seeing the movie.

Invaded!

We're being invaded by boys tonight!! My brother and The Kid are flying in from Dallas until Thursday. I'm pretty excited. It's The Kid's first flight. They called from the airport a little delayed and The Kid is all thrilled!

We're going to take him to the Air and Space Museum tomorrow so he can see all these airplanes up close. Then Wed. we'll take him to the Natural History Museum and watch his jaw hit the floor when he sees the dinosaur skeletons. I can't wait. I'll try to get some pics and video.

Pity Party

Welcome to my little one person pity party.

It's 3:37 am and I can't sleep. In fact, I haven't gotten a good nights sleep in over a week. I always thought that when you were sick that was one thing you could at least do - catch up on lots of sleep. And it's not like I can use all that time being awake to get anything done around the house because I don't have the energy. Day 1 I was delirious all day. Day 2 I dropped everything I picked up. At least Day 4 I got a day of work in, since I'd missed the rest of the week. Day 5 I spent half of at the doctor and then at WalMart trying to get my meds.

What being awake all the damn time does allow me to do is spend even more time with myself. Ugh. I'm so sick of my own company. I swear my brain is Satan. I won't even get into that mess.

I'm not sure there's anything I hate more than having a sore throat. Although it seems to be an effective weight loss solution. But wanting to cry almost every time I have to swallow is getting old fast. Trying to speak is almost as bad. And that really sucks when my Nerdstar doesn't hear me half the time anyway and I have to repeat myself.

Well. Ok. Pray the antibiotics work soon and thanks for listening.

Strep is no fun

Turns out I actually have Strep Throat. Go figure. I've never had it before. So far it's not fun.

I had been resisting going to the doctor because when I went to part time at work I gave up having insurance. I'm not big on paying for things I don't use, so I usually hate paying for health insurance. I'm not usually sick. (This year is really proving the exception to that...) Last year I did all my annual checkups and dental visits and I'm all good. And in any other city I've lived in I could see a doctor relatively cheaply for something like a sore throat. Not here in lovely DC. When I'd look at my doctor bills when I had insurance I noticed that just the charge for a regular office visit was over $100. I was hoping that this urgent care place our hospital has would be cheaper. Not so much. It cost me $200 for the doc and $35 for the strep test. I really didn't want to get the strep test because most illnesses like this are just some stupid virus you can't do anything about. Thankfully I kinda knew that something was wrong because I just wasn't getting any better. I did get 30% off for being a hospital employee. If I'd sucked it up and went to my doctor yesterday instead it probably would have cost less. Figures. But I didn't have the fever return and I didn't have those spots in my throat you usually get with strep.

Anyway. I understand doctors charge so much to cover all their costs, and because it's usually paid by insurance companies, so no one cares what the prices are. And trust me, the last thing I want to see is the government trying to implement universal health care. There are certainly plenty of "free clinics" around here I'm sure I could have used if I'd really wanted to - one of those weird advantages of not being able to get married, I'm technically poor while Nerdstar is technically rich. Hmmm maybe I should apply for food stamps or something, my take home pay barely covers our monthly food costs.

Yes, I'm rambling. Trust me, I'm actually much more coherent today. The worst thing today is the cough I've developed. I hate having a cough.

Nerdstar's in Houston visiting grandpa. I told her to get a strep test for her if she's not feeling too well.

Miserable

Apparently I caught another superbug on the flight home Monday. I went up to work for a couple of hours yesterday afternoon to help out with a project. I noticed my throat was starting to hurt - I hate that. Then by 4:00 yesterday I was shivering and couldn't get warm, fun with fevers. I had a fever of about 102 all night and it finally broke about 9 or 10 this morning. I was delirious all night which was really strange. Now I'm just weak and have spent all day dropping just about everything I pick up.

Next time I fly I'll be wearing a facemask!

Old School Photography

Several years ago I bought a Canon AE 1 camera. Then, on our trip from Seattle back to Austin it ate a couple of rolls of film and I put it away. But I miss the clarity of film photos and don't want to spend the money it would take to get a digital camera that takes photos that clear. I like the idea of enlarging pics I've taken to decorate parts of the house.

The other day I took the camera to a store around here and the older guy working there was really nice and told me it was probably because I was loading the film wrong. So he showed me how to make sure it was in there right and I bought some film to try it out.

I've never taken a photography class or even read up on tips or anything. I should have a much more dummy proof camera, but oh well.

Here's three sets of pics I took of the pets around the house and some at the dog park. I'll eventually get the settings for light right, and you know, learn how to focus! It was really weird not seeing the pics right after I took each one. There not too bad for a first set. They do look better in print than online.

UPDATE: Since my own blog wouldn't let me leave a comment - grrr...

Little Man will sit on the sofa next to me and just stare at me like that until I acknowledge him. If the staring doesn't work he'll start to slightly tap me on the arm with his paw. He's a very special kitty, short bus special!

Work and Not Work

I still have mixed feelings about this working part-time stuff.

The off days problems. I sometimes have a hard time finding useful things to do to fill up my two days a week off - you know, things other than playing online poker and watching movies. Part of that has been due to weather. It's been either cold or rainy or both and that doesn't help my self motivation problems. The organization I thought I might do some volunteering with hasn't worked out yet, maybe it's a slow time for them. Plus, every time they have an orientation I'm either out of town or working. I looked at another website for local volunteer opportunities, and just didn't see anything I'm interested in. You'd think there'd be enough house cleaning to keep my busy. I find I just don't like doing housework much. Or maybe I'm still waiting for it to feel enough like spring to do a good "spring cleaning."

Then there's the work part of life. It's no less stupid around work. I keep thinking if things at work improved I could go back to full time. But in spite of hiring several new people, there are still about four (of ten) doing 80% of the work. One of the new girls only lasted about two weeks - she was kinda nuts. I'm not sure how some of these people get through all the hiring process. We've got one lady at work who talks constantly. Literally. Things are also more chaotic at work, partly due to the new people. They just don't pay enough attention to details and mistakes are being made. This is not a job where mistakes should be tolerated. But they are. That frustrates me to no end. Our boss is on vacation for the next three weeks. Maybe the supervisor can get people better on track and making less mistakes.

I know it should be an enviable position to be in, not having to work all the time. I'm still working on how to make the most of it.

Weekend Update

Nerdstar had to journey to NJ for the last funeral for her father. I wish for her sake that her family was nicer, more supportive, but they're just not that kind of people.

Me, well, I'm just hangin with the pets this weekend. The weather was too nice to not take Ramen dog to the park. Plus, it tires him out for the day and the cats get a break from being chased. It's suppose to rain the next few days - ugh.

Other than that I'm watching basketball and taking long naps.

I watched part of the coverage of the Pope being here in DC and then in NY. I've been a Christian all of my life, but I've never really understood Catholicism. (I understand what all the Catholic church believes and it's history, I guess I just don't "get" why.) Anyway. His visit still seemed like a good/cool thing.

We decided to renew our lease for another year. Nerdstar was fantastic and got them to not raise our rent! If we're still here in six or seven months and aren't moving in the foreseeable future, we'll start looking at houses. But when Nerdstar gets job offers almost every other week or so, it's hard to say what's going to happen. Ninety percent of the those jobs are here in the DC area, but we can always hope for somewhere in Texas or the North West. As long as the $$ keeps going up :-)

Insult to Injury

It all started with not getting much sleep Friday night and then having to get up early Saturday to go to work. Work wasn't too bad, but I was really tired. Driving home I was just trying to relax and make it home for a nap. Then, BOOM - this lady rear-ended me at a poorly designed entrance ramp. I had thought about going, probably took my foot off the brake, saw a car coming and decided to go ahead and be safe and wait for it to pass. I'm sure she thought I was going to go, so she went.

I'm not hurt, which is a good thing. My poor little new car has a busted butt. :-( She's got decent insurance, so I'm going to drop it off for repairs Tuesday and get a rental car.

Could have been worse.

Then we met up with some friends to go see Run, Fat Boy, Run. It was really fun.

Warning: gross info on being sick.

When the movie ended I was feeling a little icky. I didn't even make it to the car and I had to puke. Ugh. That was bad enough, but once we got home it got worse. I had diarrhea every 30 minutes for the first three hours, then every hour and a half for the next six hours.

My best guess is I picked up some sort of bug at work.

I'm feeling weak but better. It all just felt like adding insult to injury yesterday. Thankfully we didn't have anything planned for today.

A Year Ago

One thing I said during Nerdstar's Iraq adventures was that I could only hope time continued to move so slowly once life got back to normal.

Well, a year ago we moved here to DC (start at the bottom), and it does seem to have been a long year. That first month was so terrible. We could never get internet access in the ghetto apartment, so we'd go to a diner with our laptops and try to get stuff done. One night when it was becoming apparent we couldn't stay at that apartment and were going to have to pack up everything AGAIN and find another place and all that hassle, we were sitting in the car at the diner and I pretty much just lost it. We discussed me actually just moving back to Austin and Nerdstar staying in DC. Not good.

Life in DC isn't our ideal life. But it's not a bad place to be. I've kinda gotten used to it taking forever to get somewhere and all the hassles of parking. We're about to renew our lease for another year. This time next year with any luck we'll be moving into a house.

But, there's just no telling where things will be this time next year.

Lonely Nights

My poor Nerdstar is about two hours into a 14 hour flight. I don't envy her at all. Plus, she didn't have time between flights to get a good meal. I did make sure we packed her up with some snacks, but my poor girl needs her food!

The timing didn't work out so that I could go with her - and really that's ok. When it comes to her family it's usually better if she deals with them on her own.

I spent my evening watching the new Ani Difranco dvd Live At Babeville. It's pretty good.

Well. I'm 40 now. Seems strange. 30 was a tumultuous time and seems like so long ago - mostly. This just might actually be the year the house and baby happen. If so I won't feel so bad about 40.

Whirlwind!!

Life just keeps coming. And while that's a good thing, really, it can be kind of exhausting.

Yes, it's 1:30 a.m. and Nerdstar is packing for her flight to Taiwan tomorrow at 11:30 a.m.

We had planned to go down to Asheville, NC and visit some friends, hang out, do some shopping for our birthdays. (The coolest part of having birthdays two days apart is taking trips to celebrate them!)

Those plans fell through and I thought, what the heck, let's go lose a few hundred bucks in Atlantic City. IF we had left for Asheville Wednesday night as I'd thought would be good, it would have ended up being bad.

Early Thursday morning before we left for AC, Nerdstar checked her email and found out that they were planning on cremating her father on Tuesday in Taiwan - which is 12 or 13 hours ahead of us. (If we'd been on our way to Asheville she might have gotten those emails too late to book a flight out.) Then after a phone call or two, she found out that it's actually on Monday.

Amazingly, she was able to make some phone calls while I was driving and arranged her flights from DC to Taiwan and back - and will get there Sunday night.

It wasn't the best of timing for us for a few reasons. She had thought it'd be at least another week or two before she had to fly over there. But that's how it goes. The important thing is her and her sister (who flew over today) will get to do these last things for their father.

Still Sad

It's so hard to process and grieve the sudden loss of a parent. And I can only be of so much help to my poor Nerdstar because both of my parents are still living.

Here's a second post of hers about the death of her father.

Sad Day

Nerdstar found out her father passed away today. Here's her post about it.

Weekend Update

Another quiet, lonely weekend around here for me and the pets. Nerdstar's over in Utah playing soldier again this weekend. Some sort of conference about things she's not involved in. I just keep telling her I have no sympathy for her boring, dreary, sleep deprived weekend.

There does seem to be some good news about her eventually getting out of the Army. She, rightly, decided the best way might be a medical discharge for her bad lower back. She's spent the past month or two seeings docs, getting an MRI and filling out forms. She finally submitted all of it and things seem to be progressing in the right direction. I'm not saying it's progressing very quickly - but it's progressing.

I haven't written about work lately, although I've been meaning to.

I'm really much, much happier at work now. Shifting the hours to 7:30 to 4 has relieved so much of the stress I was putting myself under. Now, the people who have to handle the last two hours of the day are mostly the people who were slacking off. Heh. The supervisor who's so useless is still utterly useless - complaining that they can't handle those two hours - when I've been handling them for months. But instead of making her step up, our manager is actually staying late himself some days to help her out. I think that's hysterical. Anyway, the point is none of it affects me any longer and that makes my days at work much better.

I do feel slight guilt when I'm not there Tuesday/Thursday. And I'm totally aware I've given up all rights to complain about anything at work - which can be hard when all everyone does it sit around and complain about everything. I can't say how much I wish it was Friday already, or that I didn't get any sleep and I'm tired, or anything like that.

The one thing that helps quiet that guilt is knowing that I'm still doing more registrations in 3 days than some people are doing in 5. I work hard when I'm there. I'm sure my coworkers have mixed feelings about my new schedule. On the upside I'm a lot more relaxed and upbeat. I guess the downside would be if they think it's selfish or unfair. Oh well...

Weekend Update

Just a semi-lazy day around the house for me today. Nerdstar's got Army drill this weekend, so I'm waiting for her to get home so we can go eat tonight!

I've spent the day so far cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry and buying stamps. Such major accomplishments!

Things at work should be better. It took my manager a week, but he finally talked to me about what I'd decided and we agreed to me working three days a week, 7:30 to 4 and staying in our every 3rd Saturday rotation. I told him it didn't matter to me if it was MTW or MWF, but it's mostly going to be MWF. I'm not sure how long I'll keep that schedule. Maybe in a while I'll go back to full time. I heard one of my co-workers is transferring to a different department, and another one got accepted to school and will be leaving in Mid-May. So with the change in hours, which takes a lot of stress off me, and if our manager actually hires some decent folks, it might not be such a bad place to be every day. We'll see.

I've talked about how I've spent almost all day every day doing the computer side of our job instead of the blood drawing side of our job for quite a while now. The same people who bitch that I don't draw blood HATE doing the computer part, and also, they SUCK at doing the computer part. But the computer side is important because it's what keeps the patients moving through the process.

So when the bitching people decide they're going to do the computer part I say great and I get to draw blood. And inevitably the room comes to a complete standstill. For reasons beyond my comprehension they just can't get it done. In the past, that meant that I had to pick up a lot of slack and keep things moving because the end of the day was closing in. Now these folks will be responsible for it all without me the last two hours of the day. Heh. Our manager even had to admit I was right that they can't seem to get it done. Not that he's doing anything about it.

Anyway. One cool thing about getting back to drawing blood yesterday afternoon was what an ego boost it was. For whatever reason, patients really don't appreciate how efficiently I get their computer registration part done - ok, fine. But I'm also good with a needle and people always comment on that.

Yesterday I told a lady "have a nice weekend" and she said, "You, too." I said, "It's hard to have a bad weekend." she said, "Well, the weather might be cold and rainy." I said, "Even better - it'll be nice to sleep in." She laughed and said "What a positive outlook on life you have." ... That cracked Nerdstar and I up for a long time!

Weekend

We're mostly fast forwarding through the Oscars, because Jon Stewart - not.funny.

I was thinking if the Oscars were as big a deal as Hollywood wishes they were - then advertisers would be selling million dollar minutes for them like they do the Super Bowl, but they don't.

Anyway.

We had a decent weekend. We balanced out our cultural evening a couple of weekends ago when we saw MacBeth with going to the DC Rollergirls double header last night. It was lots of fun! We were familiar with the current incarnation of women's roller derby back when we lived in Austin, but we never got to go see a match. I was excited to see DC has a league. The first match wasn't as exciting as the second, but it was all fun to watch. The crowd was a little tame, but at least somewhat interesting to watch. If you ever get a chance to see women's roller derby - check it out, I know they've got leagues in a lot of cities.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes

Well, I think I'm about 90% sure I'm going to quit my job.

I finally asked my boss today if there was any way I could work part time and he said no. Okey dokey then. You'd think since he's already short a person or two, and I work really, really hard, that he'd find a way to make that work. But, no. The lab doesn't have part time positions. There's a slight chance I'll talk to his boss, but probably not.

I haven't given my two week notice yet, and would pretty much need to finish out the month anyway because one of the other people is taking two weeks off this month.

I also think my manager was a jerk when he gave the early shift to another guy instead of me. I don't love the idea of working 6:30 to 3 because I'd have to get up at 5 am. But... one of the reasons I'm going to quit is that I'm tired of being tired, and I'm tired of not having any time do things I want to do. I get home from work at 7 pm and we figure out dinner, watch The View, walk the dog and that's about it.

I really, really need to start working out. (I don't want to talk about it.) And I'd love to do some volunteer work with these people. All of the opportunities so far have been at times when work interferes.

Nerdstar and I hit one of our financial goals in terms of how much we've got in the savings. My salary goes to things like vacations and fun stuff mostly.

I'm still hoping in time to find a part time job.

Anyway. I'm sure I'll blog more about this later.

Got Nothing

Hey peeps. Seems life is just life these days.

Work is work. It hasn't been terrible lately - still all the same old annoyances, but nothing really to write about. Other than, it's kinda weird/creepy having to do STD and HIV tests on old people. And that while we get a few young women (20s and 30s) coming in for those same tests due to "sexually dangerous behavior" or "expose to STDs" - we never get young men coming in for those same tests. Somethings wrong with that picture.

I've had really, really bad allergies for I don't know how long now. It's annoying. Austin is supposed to be a bad place for allergies and I've never had them like this before. I've been using Alegra and Zicam or Nasonex for a couple of months and then this week it just got so much worse. Finally went to the doc yesterday and her best recommendation was using a saline flush up my nose. I mean, I'm glad it's not an infection, but so far the flush hasn't done much to stop the gathering of snot in my nose!

We've had a bit of a social life lately - which is nice.

I'm still following the presidential race, but am never really moved enough to write about it. We'll see where things stand in a month or so when more of the primaries are done

Ramen is still funny looking from having that spot on his forehead shaved, but his little spots have healed nicely. He gets a bath today so he doesn't smell like dog so much!

In spite of the writers strike we still seem to watch a lot of tv. I end up DVRing a lot of stuff because we don't get home from work till 7, then there's dinner to figure out, walking Ramen, and watching The View. There's much I don't like about The View - but there's usually at least once a show where one of them says something really funny. And even if that doesn't happen, just watching Whoopie's face is worth the time.

Nerdstar's still working on how to get out of the Army - she's working on the medical angle due to the arthritis in her back. It's not going to be a quick process, but I think she's making progress.

Hope your weekend is a good one!!

How's It Goin?

The new year has been a mixed bag so far - which I guess is the way life usually goes.

We had a lovely Jan 1. We slept in, went and ate really well, browsed around Barnes and Noble for a while, and took Ramen dog to the park. That's a nice way to start a new year!

Then yesterday was back to work for me and down to Houston for Nerdstar.

I knew work would be crazy this week with everyone coming back into town and needing all their blood taken from their bodies. I swear some of them must be addicted to it. Anyway. I've still got feelers out for a better job and am pretty certain I'll find one sooner or later this year.

Last night was one of the crazy frustrating nights. I didn't really want to go to the grocery store on the way home, but since we're out of bread, milk and everything else, it was kinda necessary. I thought it would be better to go ahead and go and get something for dinner other than Papa John's and for lunch other than cafeteria food. Sounds like a good plan. Except the computer system went down at the Safeway in our neighborhood and I didn't actually get to come home with any groceries. UGH! The lady in front of me said she'd been in line over 40 minutes, I'd been there about 15 when it seemed like the system was coming back - and then it didn't. So I left my little ten item cart by the checkout line and left. I know, I'm evil. I came home and wrote them a letter say I understand systems go down, and that it's as frustrating for employees as customers, but, they totally failed in communicating at all with the customers as to what the problem was or anything - and that's unacceptable.

Then, when I tried to walk Ramen dog last night, it was 20 degrees out with 20 MPH winds. Five minutes was all I could stand. I think he understood.

The upside is tonight went like last night was supposed to. I got groceries, walked the dog and will have a nice hot bath before bed!

Happy Happy New Year!!!!

I truly wish you all the joy, peace and success your little hearts can stand in the new year!!

We're home tonight ordering pizza and watching a movie - Nerdstar's still a little under the weather. Then a nice lunch tomorrow. I'm more sentimental about how I spend the first day of the year than the last night of the old year.

It's kinda sad, but I actually had to go back and read what we did last New Year's.

Go Read

Nerdstar's got another good post up.

I'm feeling much better. I took a few rounds of Zinc, vitamins, Zicam and Allegra and that seemed to do the trick. Nerdstar didn't get a head start on taking meds because she didn't seem to feel as bad at first, it hit her later. I think she's getting better today. She's got that sexy raspy voice going!

We're having a nice quiet weekend of grocery shopping and a little cleaning and hanging out with the pets. I think Ramen's happy to be home.

We both have to work Monday and don't have any plans for Monday night, but we've got reservations at Les Halles (Anthony Bourdain's place) again for New Years Day. Then Wednesday Nerdstar heads to Houston to finally visit her sister and grandpa for a few days.

I'll write more on the New Year when it gets here.

Weekend

Well, the work week ended finally. Friday wasn't actually too bad. The manager was out, which is usually a good thing. Then two of the people who bitch and moan all day called in sick - uh huh. And one of the other people who is annoying left at 10:30 in the morning. But, we weren't terribly busy and the crew we had still there was decent. The bitch I got into it with the other day is still a bitch - and I don't foresee that changing anytime soon. The manager asked me about it Thursday, but didn't really say too much other than he relies on me to get stuff done in the afternoons and to be nice to the new people. Whatever.

I've never before worked with a group of people where I didn't become friends with one or two of them. I've also never had less in common with the people I work with than this crew. It's hard to really say what makes me different, because I don't even think it's the gay thing. Maybe it has to do with really different backgrounds. But I'm not sure about that either. I grew up lower middle class. I don't know...

Anyway. Enough about all of that. I know it's boring.

We finally went to a mall today. It wasn't complete hell. We bought Ramen dog an LL Bean bed.

It's really weird knowing our combined income is enough to pretty much spend freely. But there's not much that I want really. I've got a new car. We aren't ready to buy a house here, mostly because we don't want to stay long enough to make it worthwhile. And well, unfortunately there's not a store that sells babies.

I think we'd both rather save up and either take a really great vacation or move.

Completely unrelated - last night we met up with some of Nerdstar's former coworkers for happy hour. Her old manager also get a new job with much better pay! It was interesting spending a little time with these youngsters in the their late 20s making close to $100 Gs a year. "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" kept playing in my head.

More of the story

I really am at a loss sometimes on what to do. Far too often I am totally out of patience. I go from trying hard to be upbeat and calm to pissed off and frustrated like a Porsche goes from 0 to 60. This is both at work and at home.

It seems like no matter how hard I resolve to be like a duck and let things just pass by like water off a duck's back - there seems to be something every day that just pushes me over the edge.

With Nerdstar it's almost (but not exclusively) always about all the damn time she's spending on army bullshit - in spite of telling me she's really trying to resign her commission. She had drill again this weekend. And although she did get home when she said she would this afternoon - she's now spent the past hour and a half and counting on a phone call with her commander. WTF? (Not to mention she's got the dog out for a walk and he's getting totally wet in the rain and fucking up the bath he just had the other day.)

Now, granted it was a hard week for her regarding all the bullshit with her unit - and it's taken a toll on her as well. But that just makes it that much harder for me to understand why she doesn't just stop doing all this bullshit until the resignation comes through.

As for work, well... most days it comes down to me and a couple of other people busting our butts while everyone else slacks off and bitches and moans. That and our manager being a useless pussy who won't tell anyone no or make them do what he's asked them to do makes for lots of fun.

And I just don't know what to do.

Add all this to having to deal with dumb as dirt AT&T cell phone customer service reps who were totally wrong with their diagnosis and therefore tried to sell me a phone I wouldn't have needed - and - having the groomer at the vets office totally mangle Ramen's gorgeous tale when I'd suggested to Nerdstar that the vet might not be the best place to take him for grooming. (I don't think any pet enjoys hanging out at the vets office all day listening to other pets being treated.)

It just seems like a never ending supply of frustrations. And I am completely out of whatever it takes to handle such things. I've burst into tears twice in the past two weeks.

Mmmmm

Here are pics of the 19 pound turkey I got for the two of us. If you really knew how much Nerdstar loves turkey, and soup from the broth and leftovers, well, you'd know why I bought a turkey twice the size of what we need!

In fact, if you could have seen her face this morning as we were getting it ready to cook, or the little dance she did around the apartment when we could really start to smell it cooking, you'd know why I swear she loves food more than me.

I made a little cornbread dressing and bought some gravy and rolls to go with it and that was it. Nice and simple. It was yummy. We're still trying to decide if we can handle some pecan pie tonight, or if we're just going to make it tomorrow.

It was actually nice not having to travel anywhere this year. And it's making me look forward to going home for Christmas more. I've always thought that Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart, not a few weeks.

I have to work tomorrow; Nerdstar doesn't.

We had about 130 patients show up yesterday, if you add the people who were with them, we had at least 200 people yesterday who had nothing better to do than come and get their blood drawn. What is wrong with those people??

Tomorrow will either be terribly busy or really slow. I can't decide which.

I really do hope you all had a really, really great day!!

Thanksgivings Past

I think this is the first Thanksgiving/Holiday Season I’ve been employed in several years.

I started this blog back in December '02 – that year I was still working at Pearson in Austin.

Then in ’03 Nerdstar got sent to Iraq, the people at Pearson, knowing full well the stress I was under with Nerdstar gone, were pretty shitty to me, so I quit right before Thanksgiving. Hey, if you’re gonna have some time off for the foreseeable future, might as well make it for the holidays.

Nerdstar's Thanksgiving '03

'04 is more of a blur. Nerdstar was home from Iraq. Here and here are two entries from that time.

Let's see. So November '05 we were living in KC. I had a couple of temp jobs, but quit them because they sucked and I found out I'd be doing the phlebotomy program.

That Thanksgiving my parents actually drove up to KC with my nephew and we cooked for them. That was kinda nice.

Then winter '06 was our lovely time in small town PA. I couldn't find a job there either. Nerdstar spent Thanksgiving in Jersey and I spent it in Dallas.

You couldn't pay me to guess what this time next year will be like!!

Just Her Luck

Nerdstar was supposed to fly out of Seattle this afternoon and come home - somehow I knew that wasn't going to happen. I hate when I'm right about such things. I know I've written on here before at some point in time about Nerdstar's terrible luck with getting back home from trips.

It's not her fault, or even in her control, but when I was already pretty pissy about her being gone to start with - it sure doesn't make me any happier.

I can't really explain what's going on with her Army unit - but apparently someone in leadership is in trouble, so they canceled the entire unit's flights - yes even all the people like Nerdstar who have real, civilian jobs expecting them back at work tomorrow morning - to do questioning. There's some sort of investigation going on and Nerdstar doesn't even know what about really, they hadn't gotten around to talking with her last time we got a chance to talk.

One other little problem. Nerdstar isn't so great at packing and usually forgets things. When she went to Hawaii a couple of months ago, she forgot her phone. This time, she took my phone charger instead of hers. She has two phones, so she's ok - but other than Skype, I'm going to be phoneless pretty soon. I could buy another charger, but that seems like a waste of money because this one isn't lost, it's just not here now.

My hope is that in all of this hassle and, frankly, bullshit once again with the Army, Nerdstar will finally have had enough and get out. We'll see.

We're not even sure exactly when they're going to re-book their flights home. We're hoping for tomorrow, but...

All of this is a part of my midlife crisis this weekend. There's a lot more going on about houses and babies and careers and such.

3 Day Weekend

I am so very happy I was not at work today. And I'm even happier that I won't be at work on Monday!

Shortly after starting this job I knew that a 3 day weekend once a month was going to be necessary.

And after three and a half days of constant rain - which I loved, we now have cloudy skies that aren't leaking on us and cooler temps. Actual Fall like weather - go figure.

No big plans. Cleaning house, grocery shopping, eating out. The usual. Plus no work on Monday! Wooohooo!!!

Not Planned

Today was the perfect day for a motorcycle ride. And we had one scheduled with the women's riding group. The temps were great, the leaves would have been beautiful...

But apparently it was not to be.

We got up and got ready and got about two blocks from the meetup site when the bike started acting a little funny steering wise. So I leaned over to see if the front tire was going flat - nope. Then I realized it must be the back tire. Yep. Thankfully we weren't going 70 on the highway like we had been minutes before. We were on a mostly empty road near our first destination. I rode it slowly over to a gas station to see about putting air in it, but I pretty much knew that if it had lost air that fast then it must have had a puncture. Sure enough, looks like a nail actually went through the side of the tire.

The two women who made it to the meetup site as well helped us call my insurance company and arrange to take it to a big motorcycle repair place. They weren't open today, but they have a way to do overnight dropoffs.

The main problem was going to be getting home from the repair place. Fortunately the tow truck dude (named Donnell like the guy in My Name is Earl) was nice and at least took us to the closest Metro (subway) station.

One cool thing about this debacle is that it didn't end up costing us any money out of pocket today. I thought we'd pay the tow guy and get reimbursed, but I guess the insurance covered it up front - way cool. Then we already had Metro cards for the subway fare. And we had cash for the bus from the Metro station to the bus stop close to home - but it only took singles and I had a $5 - but the bus dude was really cool and let us on anyway.

It was not even close to how I wanted to spend today - but some part of my brain kept thinking that maybe the flat tire saved me from something worse. And even if not, well, I've had car trouble so very rarely in the past several years that I can't really complain.

Now if we can just figure out something good to eat for dinner.

Old and Gay

Nerdstar went to Jersey with her sister to visit Grandpa last weekend, and they also took the train to NYC for a little while Saturday evening.

Now, Nerdstar's not one who's great with gift buying... but this time she did manage to bring me home a little something.

The Millennium Collection: The Best of Captain & Tennille

So, um, yeah. That makes us pretty damn old AND gay.

Sigh.

Not A Bad Saturday

I had to work this morning, and really wasn't in the mood for it. Saturdays aren't too terrible, we had 50 patients, but they didn't all show up at the same time, so it was ok.

Nerdstar had been talking about going to Fogo de Chao for dinner, and we figured this evening would be nice.

It was good, but I can't say I liked it better than Les Halles.

We got to talking about how we're eating more upscale here in DC - but we'd both trade it for the more home style cooking we love in Austin. (Yes, I know - I sound like a broken record!)

Then we wandered around near the White House for a while to walk off dinner.

DC really does seem to be a strange town. You can tell the locals from the tourists usually pretty easily - although we might look more like tourists. It's weird to know there are people with power and/or money, but you'd never recognize them - unlike Hollywood or LA.

Sick

Ugh, I hate feeling sick and tired. I was a little under the weather all week - which is a crazy phrase considering I LOVE the weather this week! I've got a cough which has kept me from sleeping well the past 3 nights. I was hoping to feel better for the weekend, but that didn't happen.

The only thing I wanted to do this weekend that I probably won't do is take the motorcycle out for a little ride. We're getting everything else done, I'm just not enjoying it as much as I would if I felt better.

I'm a little tempted to stay home from work tomorrow, but I probably won't. Partly because we're so busy on Mondays and it would really suck for everyone if I wasn't there - which is a stupid sentiment considering who all I work with. (Damn inheriting my father's work ethic!) But a bigger reason is because I'd just be bored all day at home with Nerdstar at work.

First

I bought my first brand new car today!! It feels very weird. I'm almost afraid to drive it, I don't want it to get wrecked.

I've been thinking about this for a couple of months, comparing different makes and models and prices, things like that.

So I got an '08 Toyota Corolla in Indigo Ink blue. Nothing fancy. The LE didn't have exactly what I wanted, and the CE had cruise control, so that's what I got.

I even financed it all by myself - no Nerdstar as co-signer. 4.9% - which is lower than the 5.49 our credit union has going and only 1% more than Nerdstar got three years ago when she bought her Matrix.

I hate spending money - especially such big amounts of it, so this was a little hard. But my Buick was all done in. The driver window didn't like to go back up, I had that dent from the parking garage, a few weeks ago I got into it on a Monday morning and the rear view mirror was on the floorboard, and I'm pretty sure the brakes were going.

Yeah new car!!

Tired

We had a good weekend.

Saturday was cleaning and movies and grocery shopping.

Sunday was a motorcycle ride and lunch with a couple of chicks from a new motorcycle riding group trying to get up and going. But, we ended up taking the long way home not being familiar enough with the roads around here and how they can have the name of the road you think leads home - but is really just some long lost portion of that road leading to nowhere.

Then after being all tired from that, we met up with a chick from Nerdstar's new army unit, mostly so Nerdstar could get some info about her new duties before the chick heads over to Iraq and a contractor.

So I've been really, really tired the past two days.

And at work our useless boss apparently has hired Bad Apple 2. Fun.

So that's why the lack of interesting, insightful posts around here.

Hope your week is going well!

Nerdstar's out of town again this weekend. She'd been planning on heading up to her aunt's house in NJ where her grandpa is staying for a while. The army trip to Hawaii delayed those plans, so she drove up yesterday afternoon.

Me and the cats are just happy she took Ramen with her!

I've mostly slept today, but also managed to swiffer the floors, do a few loads of laundry and take out the trash. Tomorrow I plan on vacuuming. Very exciting stuff. I'm leaving the dishes for Nerdstar.

It finally got all hot and humid here in DC. I'm so happy it took until August. Now I'm ready for fall!!

Things overall are going pretty well.

Work is work. My goal is to not let it stress me out and to be really nice to all of my patients. That's harder for me than it should be. Last Monday afternoon it was me and the more useless co-workers. Normally we're not too busy after 3 or 4 when half the crew goes home, but Monday was really busy. And that meant I was pretty much having to do the computer part for all the patients while the other 3 or 4 people drew blood. We had several people leave because the wait was taking too long.

One of the ironies at work is that the bad apple and her harder working cohort spent at least two weeks a while back throwing a fit about having to draw blood all day and not getting to do the computer part. So, we got them all trained, set the schedule of who would draw and who would register when. That worked for a week or so until those two realized that with the computer part came accountability. We've got a woman from billing who checks over all of our patient registrations and then gives them back to us for corrections. Since then, you can't hardly make those two get on the computer. Ugh.

Anyway. Monday afternoon was rough. The rest of the week went pretty well.

Next weekend we're headed to Atlantic City for some casino action. I can't wait!

Short

and to the point...

I miss my girl. A lot.

I'm tired.

My boss is useless.

The weather is nice - but I miss rainy days.

It's helpful when you show up for a urine test - to actually be able to pee.

I've been watching all 3 seasons of Deadwood. I miss that show. A lot.

I think I'm ready for a new car.

I'm tired of almost all of my furniture.

Two of my coworkers are pretty useless, too.

I like my hair short.

Did I mention I miss my girl? A lot!

Not a bad day

Nerdstar's getting ready to leave me again - thanks to the Army. She really thought she'd get out of it, but she's got orders to go to Hawaii for eleven days and flies out early tomorrow morning. I know, it sounds like it'd be nice - but it's just not good timing and neither of us wants her to be gone that long.

So after work today we decided to head to Anthony Bourdain's DC restaurant Les Halles. It was a good choice!! There's a metro stop right near there, so we took the train over. There were some slight delays due to "scheduled track maintenance", but even that didn't diminish the joy of a good meal.

We'd hoped good food would be in abundant supply in this area, but we're having a hard time finding it. We find average food a lot, but not really good food.

Les Halles was fun, too. Our waiter was a good smelling, cute older French man with a fantastic accent. I actually just had a hamburger and fries - but I'd heard Anthony brag about his fries on his travel episode in Vegas. They are good fries! Nerdstar had the cold soup, the 5 veggie plate with a small portion of steak, then we had dessert - creme brule for me and bananas flambe for her, and french press coffee. Yummy!!

Then we wandered over to a big Barnes and Nobles and bought a few books.

We'd read Kitchen Confidential a few years back, so we got The Nasty Bits and A Cook's Tour.

I also got a book about the Johnstown Flood.

Crashing Through - a book about a blind man who is made to be able to see again.

And I got another book by Paul Theroux, Riding The Iron Rooster, about his train travels through China. While Nerdstar was in Iraq I read his Dark Star Safari and really, really enjoyed it.

Life is Good... But...

Life is still feeling pretty good. Sometimes it almost scares me. I haven't felt this positive about life, and life with Nerdstar, in I don't know how long. And I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes life feel good. We're both healthy. We live in a decent area. We're both working. She's not off somewhere being a soldier.

Is that all there is to it? Really?

I don't know. Is this the don't look a gift horse in the mouth thing? Probably.

And I'm feeling closer to God these days. There are little aspects of my life as a Christian several years ago that are creeping back in. Part of it is why I'm in the line of work I'm in. I'm good with people. And even better, I'm good at drawing blood. I cannot tell you the number of patients so far this week who have told me "you have a soft touch" or "you have great hands" or one man even told me "you have angel hands." I don't take that lightly. Some of these patients get their blood drawn weekly, bi-weekly, monthly - they know whether you're good or not. How does that relate to God? It's part of my "even smiling at strangers makes a difference" theology. If I can make the hassle of having your blood drawn just a little better than you expected, and maybe make your day just a little better, well, isn't that how God works?

The one part of my life that I am still really sad about is a lack of friends. I really, really miss having friends, having someone to hang with, to chat with. I know we haven't been in the area long. And it's hard to meet people. But it's been a long time since I've had a really good, close friend. And that's not how my life used to be. I always had a lot of good friends. Right up until I lost all my Christian friends by embracing being gay.

Along with the bad apple at work and all the frustration that brings, this is the first job I've ever had where I haven't made friends with at least one co-worker.

Anyway. That's my rambling on this Wed. night.

Good Weekend

It's been a pretty good weekend. I get frustrated at how tired my job leaves me. I'd love to go to four days a week, but I don't think I'll actually do it anytime soon.

Yesterday we took Ramen to the park again. It seems we attract women there with their kids and dogs who want to tell us all about their lives. It's almost interesting - but not really.

Then we went to see Evan Almighty. Nerdstar's a big fan of Bruce Almight, and we thought it looked fun. We both liked it. I've read it's not getting great reviews - so I really hope it finds it's audience. It's a sweet movie with a message that's good to hear, but doesn't beat you over the head.

Today we got brave and decided to drive up to Baltimore and see if we could find some decent seafood. The seafood we found wasn't anything to write home about (or I guess to really blog about). But we had fun people watching down at the touristy harbour. We didn't even get terribly lost.

And can I just say that now I understand why people enjoy summertime. I can't believe how nice the weather here is.

Update

Sorry for the light blogging. Life is more or less settling into a routine - and a routine that leaves Nerdstar and I pretty tired at the end of the work day.

My body is mostly adjusting to being on my feet almost all day every day at work. I finally caved in and got a pair of crocs - they were overly popular in Austin, on top of being so damn ugly - and I just couldn't bring myself to try a pair. No one around here seems to wear them, so I finally went and tried some on. (That correlation makes sense in my head.) I do think they're marginally more comfy than my expensive walking tennis shoes, and they certainly are the most light weight shoes ever. But, I think they make me use different muscles in my ankles and skins when I walk, so I'm sore in different places. I guess that'll work itself out in another week or so.

Other than work, we spend the weekends taking Ramen to the park, running errands, and trying new places to eat. Unfortunately, we still haven't found restaurants here that are better than our old favs in Austin. But we're still looking. We did find a Thai place we both like, and it's just down the street.

I was really frustrated with my job Monday and the lack of structure/accountability there. Things got better Tuesday. Not perfect, but they incorporated some more structure in the schedule that helps a lot. I'm still hoping he hires some decent folk to replace the ones who are leaving.

Other than that we're trying to plan a trip to Atlantic City in early August and maybe one to see The Kid in Sept.

June

It's been a good weekend - even if I did work 8 to noon yesterday. (Work was so much better without the bad apple around!)

I got my hair cut really short yesterday. As I was about to get it cut I realized I should have done before and after pics - oh well. It was over six inches long and now the back of my neck is visible - which has resulted in me wanting to get a Texas flag tattooed back there. I figure if I still want it in a few months I might look into it.

The rest of the weekend has been mostly getting things done. And we actually cooked dinner tonight. I'm pretty sure we ate out every night last week.

One of the best things about living here so far is the weather. I can't believe how not hot it is. Oh sure, we had one hot day Friday, but even then it wasn't the kind of hot that takes your breath away or leaves you all sticky and sweaty after setting foot out the front door. Then yesterday and today were almost downright cool outside. It was in the upper 70s with a cool breeze and clouds. In June. Who knew that was possible!

I also decided to go back and read what was up the past June's since I've been blogging.

Last year was the trip to Tokyo - that was such a great trip. I guess I'd forgotten that I was working this time last year in KC. It seems like a lot longer ago than that.

'05 we went to Chicago to see Nerdstar's sister and then to Dallas to see my family - both road trips from KC.

'04, not as fun - Nerdstar was in Iraq.

'03, we still lived in Austin, Nerdstar was at Ft. Lewis, WA getting ready to go to Iraq, I was riding my motorcycle around.

Stubborn

The weekend Nerdstar was out of town, my Mom called for her bi-weekly catch-up. The Kid usually talks to us a little bit, but he mostly talks to Nerdstar.

My last conversation with him went like this:

Me: Hey Buddy, what's up?

TK: Can I talk to Nerdstar? (he uses her real name)

Me: No, Buddy, she's not here.

TK: Can I talk to Nerdstar?

Me: I told you, she's not here, she went to see her grandpa.

TK: Nerdstar! Nerdstar! Nerdstar! Nerdstar! (Yelling as if she'd be able to hear him.)

Me: SHE'S NOT HERE... put Granny back on the phone.

TK: Then put Ramen on.

Me: (Laughing at this point) Ramen can't talk on the phone... put Granny back on the phone.

Ugh. He talks to me on the phone a little, but not nearly as much as he talks to Nerdstar.

Dented

I think today is the first day since we've moved here that I've had nothing to do but relax. And it came just in time. I had gotten to the point of tired where you think your brain is working at 100%, but it's really more like 80% or less.

Yesterday after work I smashed my fender on the concrete post in the parking garage. Ugh. Just a five second brain fart and my car is dented up. It's not a terrible dent, but bad enough. (I posted pics on the photo blog.) It was worse - I could only open the driver door about six inches, so I used a screw driver to pry the dented part back out so the door will work. (The hubcap has been missing for years.)

The emotional reaction I had yesterday was kinda funny. I started to really dislike my car, like I wanted to disown it, like it had let me down. Weird. I also hate how that dent makes me look like a worse driver than I am. I've generally been really happy with the car. I've had it for five or so years and only paid $5000 for it. I've put over 65,000 miles on it.

I don't plan on getting the dent repaired, it's not worth what it would cost. One thing I do have to get fixed on it is the driver's side electric window - it still works, but it takes it a long time to get back up.

I've been daydreaming of a new car. I'd love to pay off the motorcycle before starting on car payments. If I could find another deal as good as the one I got on the Skylark I'd be pretty happy. Maybe at the end of the year I'll get serious about looking.

Good

Life is Good. So much better than a month ago. Almost scary good.

I got through my first week of work. The job is just about what I expected it to be. My body was really worn out from being on my feet all day, but that was to be expected as well. I hear we're going to go to four hours of drawing blood and four hours of registering patients soon - that sounds good to me. I just don't want to end up doing all of one or the other.

This weekend has been really nice. We took Ramen dog for his shots yesterday morning. Then we went to get massages. Nerdstar found a place by searching online, and it turned out to be a nice little place. The vibe reminded me of Austin - which is always a good thing.

Last night we met up with a woman who works for Nerdstar's company - but in a different part of the country, and a friend of hers and her kids. We went to see Bodies - The Exhibition. It was really cool. The human body is so amazing.

Today we took Ramen to the dog park again. Eventually we'll remember to take the camera and take some pics.

The weather here has been amazing. I'm really not used to an actual spring. In Texas you go from pseudo winter to summer - no in-between. And such low humidity!! Wonderful!!

Work has led to a loss of some of my web surfing time. But that's ok. Life is good.

Life Got Busy

I'm very tired - but for good reasons!

We ran errands and such most of Saturday, which was a good thing. As Nerdstar says, "there's always more to do." And there is, but it's good to get some things done.

Then the fun was all day yesterday. We got to hang out with Sean of Doc In the Box and his lovely wife. We had a lot of fun driving all around and seeing some sites. My feeties hurt, but oh well.

At the Lincoln Memorial I got all emotional, which is kind of weird because we'd been there before, back on our east coast road trip of '99. I just felt so much love for this country, and such sadness for all the people, military and civilian, who have given their lives over the past 400 years to make this country what it is.

I've also decided I could never be an immigrant in another country. I can't imagine what the people who decide to make their lives here legally go through, learning a new language, new foods, new ways of driving. Everything.

On top of all of that, today was my first day at my new job. Today was hanging out in the lab. The next two days are fun orientations. Then even worse, Thursday and Friday I have to be there at 6 a.m. and do in-patient draws so the main lab can see that I really do know how to draw blood.

Tonight is dinner with Sean and his wife again. Thankfully I get to sleep a little later tomorrow!!

Hope you're all having as much fun!

Sighs of Relief

It's a beautiful weekend and the packing is going along pretty well. With Nerdstar gone until Tuesday night, I've got plenty of time.

I don't know if she'll totally agree or not, but I think Nerdstar and I are both glad for a little time apart. Five days will be a longer break than I'd like, but...

With all the shit of the past two or three weeks it's been hard on "us". The upside is that we had a couple of really good conversations about everything. Not only have the past few weeks been tough, but I think the past four years have been tough. Tough circumstances for a relationship. Her year and a half gone with the Army to Ft. Lewis/Iraq, the moves to Kansas City, PA and now DC. My times of extended unemployment. What I think came out is that we have totally different perspectives and takes on the past four years, each blaming the other for different things. I hope we're starting to see each other's side a little better.

As always, I'm optimistic about the future. Things look really good for getting the job I want at the hospital. Hopefully we'll finish up the final peer interview this coming week and it goes well so we can schedule when I start orientation. My finally working again will go miles in relieving a lot of stress.

As soon as I find the cord for the camera to the computer I'm going to try to start posting more pics.

Better!

What a difference 24 - 48 hours can make!!

We got moved into the new apartment yesterday. Paying the movers was definitely money well spent - and it ended up costing about $120 less than estimated!

Then, miracle of miracles, we have both working cable and internet already set up in the new place! I had called Cox Communications the other day, but didn't like the sales guy much. When Nerdstar went to the apt. office yesterday to sign her part of the paperwork, she talked to the leasing guy and he said he'd get back to us with better contact info for cable. This morning before I got a chance to head to the office, he called and gave me the name of someone at Cox. That was at about 11 this morning. It's now only 4 p.m. and service is already up and running. Amazing. And the installation was free!

The only sad part of my day is that Nerdstar left this morning for part of her annual Army drill stuff. She'll be gone until Tuesday night.

I'm such a bad girlfriend, I just couldn't make myself wake up this morning to take her to the airport. We got into bed about 1:30 in the morning and I couldn't sleep well. The alarm was set for 5:35. I'm hoping she's getting in some good naps on the flights!

The new apartment feels so much better. Like a darkness has been lifted. Even the cats seem to be much happier here, they were all running around instead of hiding like they did the first couple of days at the icky place.

Even the weather continues to improve.

Bad Week

Let me preface this entry by saying how terrible what happened at VT is, and how much I pray for God's comfort for all those affected.

Well, last Saturday we did manage to find a better apartment. It's out in a little more suburban feeling area and seems to be a better property all around. While it's been a complete headache to move twice in about a three week period, we both believe it's going to be worth it in the long run. Tomorrow the movers show up again.

As is typical of all things - we finally got internet service today, now I guess we'll have to see how long it takes them to transfer it to the new apartment.

For the bad parts. As Nerdstar wrote about, we spent Saturday evening with friends and their sick little boy. Monday I got totally sick, fever, nauseous, all of it. Spent the next 24 hours emptying out everything in me. Poor Nerdtar got a little sick yesterday, but never did throw up everything like I did. I'm slowly starting to eat again, but every muscle in my torso hurts from all the hurling!

In the middle of being sick, the weather here was terrible and the winds hit at least 50 mph and blew my motorcycle over - twice! Thankfully the only thing damanged was the mirrors. But, it just adds more things to the seemingly endless list of things that have to be taken care of.

So that's what's up around here. It's feeling like the longest month of my life - aside from the terrible time Nerdstar was in Iraq.

But, I am optimistic things are going to get better soon!

Patience is a virtue

Life is still pretty sucky here in our new city. The water at the apt. is getting warmer – but still not HOT. It’s kinda hard to do things like laundry and dishes without hot water. We’re looking at different apartment complexes, but so far we’re not really having much luck. We’ve got maybe three or four to look at on Saturday. Of course, finding a better place just means packing up everything we just unpacked, and finding a way to get it moved. But if we don’t find a better place, I’m afraid we’ll be unhappy the entire time we have to live in this apt. I’m afraid it just won’t feel like “home” – and that’s an icky feeling.

We still don’t have internet at the current apt. We contacted Verizon the other day, the only other choice is Comcast, and one of Nerdstar’s coworkers had horror stories about Comcast. Verizon was really prompt in sending the actual equipment for DSL, but now it could be a whole extra week before their “machines” can be bothered to actually turn the service on. WTF?

We found a really cool diner close to where Nerdstar works, and it has free wifi that’s actually fast and reliable. Yesterday I got lucky and got a table back in the corner next to a plug because our laptop doesn’t hold a charge for very long.

It’s hard to find anything in a new city without internet access. We need to do searches for apartments, then we need Google maps for directions. We can’t find things like a dog park for Ramen, or movie times, or places to eat. We’ve done quite a bit of driving around and trying restaurants we see – that’s gone pretty well most of the time.

It’s all just so constantly frustrating. Every day I hope something, anything, will get better, and usually each day just brings more frustration. I try to keep in mind that eventually all these frustrations will be resolved. But then there will just be new ones.

Even the weather has sucked since we got here. Although, I’m pretty sure it sucks more where we were living.

One bright spot is that I went back to do more in the process of hopefully getting hired at the hospital I’d like to work at. With any luck, next week will bring the final step in the process.

Weekend

It was kinda an eventful weekend. We spent most of the day Saturday dealing with a backed up sewer line - right into the basement. Fun. Our poor landlady, not only are we moving out soon, she also had to deal with plumbing issues - not just the backup, but we've also had leaky pipes under the sink. I helped her fix part of the under the sink problem - but I think some seals need to be replaced, and I'm not up for that. At least she got to flirt with the plumber dude who showed up. That was fun to observe. Neither Nerdstar nor I are the "use your feminine charm type".

Yesterday we got a little bit of packing done. It's more and more tempting to let the movers do it all. But, I'll get as much done as I can. We kept all the boxes from the move here, that helps.

We've decided to go try to find an apartment Thursday through Saturday. It's still stressing me out.

Doesn't anyone have a magic wand I can borrow?

Lots of Snow

I'd post new pics of the snow - but really, it'd just look like the old pics of snow. Except this time it's a wet and heavy snow - and LOTS of it. It started early yesterday morning and hasn't stopped yet! I'd say by the time it's done we'll have well over a foot of snow.

Fortunately, we knew it was coming and planned on an indoor weekend. We've got to get started with this moving/packing stuff. I'm pretty sure we'll be moving into a smaller space in DC, so this weekend it's gather things for Goodwill time.

My job interview for Wednesday got pushed back a week. I guess that's ok. It's a long process to get hired, so maybe we'll be moved for parts of it and I won't have to drive back and forth so much.

We're still going to head down to DC this coming Wed. to check out some apartments. It's kinda overwhelming just because there are so many choices to narrow down.

Both of us are just ready for this to be done.

Update

It's dreary and overcast today - but that's better than the three days of snow we've got coming up. Fun. At least we got to break out the little charcoal grill last night and eat some yummy, yummy steaks!

The DC move is stressing me out more than it should. Turns out Nerdstar's new pay is going to be a little more than it is now - but about 8 to 10 grand less a year than we'd hoped.

I don't know when or where I got the notion that we should be able to live on her salary alone. Maybe because I've ended up unemployed a lot more than I'd like the past few years. Maybe because the move will deplete almost all of our savings and our safety net will be gone until I find a job. Whatever the reason, that thinking is going to have to stop.

I really am more than ready to start working again. I am being smarter this time and have already started applying for jobs in the new area. And I've even scheduled an interview for a dream job next Wednesday - say your prayers for me!! But I know I have to be mentally ready to work at McDs if necessary.

We're really pretty much in limbo right now. Nerdstar's working her butt off trying to find us a decent apartment. But, we don't have a date for the movers, we don't have a new address, we don't know exactly what her pay will be, or exactly when her start date is.

And I though hurry up and wait was only a military thing.

Moving Again

Our move to DC is in the works.

We don't have any details about anything yet, but hopefully soon she'll know her new salary and the relocation help. It will be the same moving company that moved us here - they were good so I've got no problem with that. And with the third across states move in two or so years, I'm getting better at packing.

For some reason I'm more than a little intimidated by DC. I know life there won't be like anywhere else we've lived so far. But I'm also hopefull that will be a good thing. Just think - we'll be living somewhere we could eat a different restaurant every day of the year.

They mentioned yesterday they'd like Nerdstar to start work there April 1. Yes, that soon. Our lease for this house ends April 18, I think that's going to work out about right. Her company should put her up in a hotel until she finds an apartment and schedules the movers.

I think for both of us, things are a little nerve-wracking until we know where we'll be living. We've been looking at apartment listings and so many are just so much more money than I'd like. Fortunately, her job location is literally yards from a Metro station, so that'll help. Hopefully I can find a hosptial or something similar close to where we end up living.

Not The Life For Me

My childhood was very white bread surburban. My Mom was a stay at home mom. My Dad did his tour with the Army, came home, married Mom and got a job I think he intended to keep until he retired. They've lived in the same house for almost 40 years and attended the same church that long as well. Dinner was on the table every evening around 5, Dad read the paper until it was time to eat. After dinner it was tv, then bed. I did my homework right after school.

There was racial diversity in my schools though. One of the first boys I liked was Hispanic. In high school I dated all kinds of boys. The boy next door (literally), an Indian, an Afrian American, Hispanic, all American white boys. Smart, not so smart. Then I ended my high school years dating a girl. Pretty diverse. My poor parents, I'm not sure they were happy with all that diversity. But I must say, they always treated anyone I brought home with respect.

All that to say, I'm not sure why it is I'm not happy in a small, 85% white town.

There were times in my past I would day dream about living a fairly solitary life in a cabin in the mountains. Or I thought that as long as I had cable and the internet I could live fairly happily in any small town.

But Nerdstar and I both find that's not the case.

I don't know how people enjoy life in small towns. Life without really good restaurants. I mean, you have to enjoy cooking to live in a small town. But even if you like to cook - the grocery stores don't have a wide variety of high quality food. Yes, you can get a haircut, but it might not be that great a haircut.

I guess we were really, really spoiled living in Austin. We had access to high quality everything. Yet, it didn't feel like an expensive life. But I know we both now believe that some things are worth paying for, just maybe not on a very frequent schedule. A good haircut or massage every four or five months. A trip to a high end grocery store once a month. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't shop at Wal Mart even if there were a Whole Foods nearby.

Whatever the reasons, and there are quite a few, we've learned we're not made for small town life. It feels like we've retired forty years too early.

Thankfully, there's a light at the end of this tunnel, and we hope to know within a week or so if we're moving.

Coin Flip

There's just not much going on these days. Nerdstar made it back from her trip to Houston late Tuesday night. Eventually, she'll write about it on her site.

The weather has been interesting. One day it's all sunshine and the snow is all melting - the next day we're getting another four inches of new snow. I've decided that shoveling snow really is my favorite new workout. The snow I shoveled today looked just like powdered sugar. I love the quiet of a snow covered world. Of course, I'm sure I'll love listening to all the sounds of spring as well.

Nerdstar's looking at a couple of different job opportunities in different cities. One is with her current company, but in the DC area. The other is with the military in Salt Lake City. I think for us it's a coin toss as to which would be better. They're so different and each have pros and cons.

Mostly we're just waiting, waiting, waiting.

Hence all the tv watching I do.

Oh, Nerdstar did find out about one of her fellow soldiers in Iraq committing suicide back in November. That's just so sad!

Bleh Weekend

Nerdstar's status within the Army Reserves is kinda weird. She got a promotion, but she doesn't have a unit to belong to, and on top of that, can't really do anything "real" with the AR until she goes to Officer Basic Camp - which neither of us is in any hurry for her to do. (We have some other things we'd like to see happen before that.)

In spite of all of that, she found out she still has to do her monthly weekend drills.

So yep, that's where she's at this weekend. It's only 7:30 to 4:00 Saturday and Sunday. But it means she can't sleep in this weekend, and we can't run errands during the day when it's marginally warmer.

Speaking of warmer. Ugh. I think I'm really tired of being cold. We had two weeks of snow every day - but it was warmer. Now we've had two weeks of high temps not being above 13. This week isn't looking too much better.

Being from Texas, I'm used to the Sun being all powerful. Here I find it's a total wimp compared to cold. You know it's cold out when the sun shines almost all day and nothing outside is melting!!

At Rest

I am inertia's bitch.

And it's not even just a product of the current temp outside being 1, and the temp inside not feeling much warmer.

I'm not sleeping until noon every day. Not that it matters because I'm not achieving much when awake.

Nerdstar and I discussed that with the weather prohibiting leaving the house more than necessary, maybe it was a small comfort knowing there was nothing going on around here worth getting out for anyway. I said I'd rather know I was missing out on cool events that know it's just a wasteland out there in our small town.

Friday night we did go to dinner with one of Nerdstar's co-workers and his family. They moved here from Dallas about a month after we moved here from KC - and they feel exactly the same way we do about being here. It was nice to have people to commiserate with.

Shouldn't Be This Hard

We really did have high hopes when we moved here back in October. Nerdstar was looking forward to a good job in the civilian world and a little more money. I didn't think I would have any trouble finding another phlebotomy job in one of the hospitals here. We thought it might be nice to buy a cute little house in a small town and then with the money we were making, and saving by living in a small town, we could do some traveling to all the cool cities in the east.

None of that has turned out the way we hoped. Not even the more money part. As I've mentioned, although Nerdstar's salary is more, civilian jobs take out a LOT more in taxes than the army does. Then there's the lack of jobs for me. I did get an email notice saying that the job I was doing that was too far was filled by the guy who already worked for them - so at least I know that wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. And the weather turned much worse for driving around then as well. (I've felt bad ever since an annonomous commenter left me a critical comment.)

Nerdstar's had a hard time working for her boss, and while that situation is better for now (she's working on other projects for other managers) who knows how long the better will last.

We spend a little time every evening talking about what to do and where to go from here. I know Nerdstar's looking pretty seriously at a couple of other opportunities that are similiar in job duties, but back with the military.

One problem is that if she doesn't stay at the current job for a year, she's supposed to pay back the $4400 they paid for her moving expenses. That's a lot to pay back.

We also debate how wise it is to follow the money again. So far our two attempts at moving up in the world by following her career to KC and now to PA haven't resulted in the quality of life we'd like and were used to in Austin.

We talk a lot about just moving back to Austin and being poor. I don't think it'd be that hard for me to find a phleb. job down there, it's a big city with lots of hospitals and such. But my salary won't cover all of our bills - and there just aren't the kinds of jobs she's doing now down there and she doesn't really know what other kind of job to pursue.

Most of the time I think it just shouldn't be this hard to find jobs we like in a city we enjoy living in.

Good News

As Nerdstar wrote, there was finally a custody hearing for The Kid and instead of him spending every other week with my family, and every other week with his mother, his mother now gets him only every other weekend. Thank God!

It's hard to explain just how bad his mother is, or how he hates going there every other week. Just one example is that he's now in Kindergarten and she won't take him to school. So, he only goes to school the weeks he's with my family. (I think because he's in a private school she can get away with that.)

Mom said the judge didn't even take five minutes to think things over. As soon as the last of the testimony had been given she immediately stated the new arrangement. On top of that, she asked my family why Mom and Dad weren't set up to get The Kid instead of his mother if something should happen to my brother. That's pretty strong.

Anyway. There were other legal issues between my brother and The Kid's mom (they're not even legally divorced because she must be too stupid to realize she never finalized the paperwork - but she's living with a new guy and just had his baby) that were also resolved in favor of my brother a couple of months ago. These issues have been haunting my family for over a year now, and I just can't express how happy we all are that things are finally turning around.

Versus

I used to think that the hot Texas summers were just terrible. Heat makes me get headaches and want to do nothing. Now that I'm in my first "real winter" I find it's a lot of work. Just the layers of clothes required is tiring. I miss jeans, a t-shirt and flip flops. Then there's the brushing all the snow off the car every time I want to go somewhere because the garage is too small for the car. I gave shoveling the snow off the short sidewalk up to the front door a try, it wasn't my best work. Mostly I wanted to clear the steps for the mailman.

January in Austin versus January in Johnstown.

Oh Yeah!

We are now the proud owners of our very own snow shovel. Yipee!!

It's all too exciting for this Texan!

Cold Weekend

We've had two days of snow. I love watching it snow. I really love when there is sunshine at the same time the snow is falling from the sky. Lovely!

But, now that the temps are where they should be for winter, hovering in the teens, I might have to reconsider what I've always said - that is that I would prefer cold winters to Texas summers. Texas summers being 95+ degrees in 95% humidity for five or so months. It's a hard call. My ideal weather is temps between 45 and 75 with a nice mix of sun and rain.

I'd have to say what's going to be the most frustrating thing about this winter is the house we're renting. How in the hell any house in this part of the country can NOT have a fire place is beyond me. This one doesn't. On top of that, it has central heat and air - which isn't doing that great a job of fighting these cold temps. Added to that is the basement and attic that also get heated - or rather, don't - but take up energy just the same.

But, there just weren't any other places to rent that allowed pets. Bleh!

I think Ramen dog loves the snow. There were neighborhood kids out playing this afternoon, so we took Ramen out to play with them. He loves kids! He was so happy to run around for a little while with them.

So it's a lazy weekend. We watched Lucky Number Slevin - it's a really good movie for a lazy weekend.

Update

I'm feeling a little under the weather today, which seeing how it's been cold and wet isn't that unexpected. Plus it's been hard getting enough sleep this week. My body was used to getting to bed around midnight and up around 9. Now I've got to get up at 5:30 and am trying to get to bed between 9 and 10. But that sucks being on the east coast because shows like ER don't even start until 10. I miss Central Standard Time!

The job hasn't been too bad the last couple of days. I had four patients the last two days, and 2 so far today.

I'm really not crazy about working by myself. I'd say there's probably 1 out of 15 or so patients I can't find a vein in. And I'm under the impression this is the only lab some of them can come to - which sucks for them more than me. Plus, after two days of training on the computer system, I've already ran into a couple of problems. I have to call the lab where I did my training and ask questions.

I also really don't like the drive here because it's still dark that early. It's a twisty two lane road and I'm afraid of a head on collision some morning.

Apparently, the company is looking to hire someone full time for this location. I put in my application online, but they've already turned me down for one job, so I'm not sure it's very likely I'll get this one. I won't be sad if I don't. It's nice working again, but the being here alone and the drive are enough to make it ok if they hire someone else.

Early New Year's

We're either having an old married couple's New Year's Eve, or a small town one - not sure what the difference would be.

Actually. I had made us dinner reservations at PF Chang's in Pittsburgh for this evening. Then Nerdstar suggested that we check out the Pittsburgh zoo while we were over that way. Well, I got to looking at the weather and yesterday had much better weather, so we kinda had our New Year's Eve last night.

We drove through some really cool neighborhoods in Pitts last night. We saw several orthodox Jews headed to evening services, and lots not white people. (After a couple of years in small, white towns, we're always happy to see not whites.) I love the old houses in the old neighborhoods and the fun little stores and shops and restaurants.

But, alas. We also discovered we simply can't live in Pitts, or most PA cities for that matter. For some reason known only to God, or maybe Satan, this state hates to invest in street and highway signs. It's not bad enough that two out of three streets change names sometime while you're driving along. You're lucky if the cross street has a street sign, but you can give up on the street your on having any sort of sign. Now, add the rivers and mountains going through Pitts, and the resulting den of snakes like road layout, and well, it was almost more than we could handle.

Give me back my nice, flat, well-lit, well labled, wide, straight Texas roads, with restaurants all along them!!

On to the New Year

This might have been my least stressful Christmas ever. And not nearly as depressing as I might have anticipated. I love my family, but we all know it's not always easy to spend extended time with them. We're both a little sad to not be with The Kid when he open presents, but he's at his mother's this week and won't get to open presents with my family until this coming weekend.

Nerdstar and I just got each other little gifts. She took me out to look at lcd tv's, but I just can't bring myself to spend over $1000 for something I don't really need. Even if we got a HD lcd, I'm not ready to upgrade our cable package to the HD channels, I feel we're spending too much as it is. So I come home and take a good look at the picture of our current tv and figure it's good enough for a while longer.

I sent my family a few gifts, The Kid got the Gamera dvd collection and his new favorite Godzilla movie, and a dinosaur book. He'll be thrilled.

Nerdstar and I both realized yesterday, after her sister bitched and moaned about getting crappy presents (except from Nerdstar) that neither of us got anything from our families. Nice. My folks said they'd take us out to a good dinner whenever we do make it down there.

We spend Sunday making our Christmas dinner of turkey and cornbread dressing and rolls and sweet potato pie because Monday one of Nerdstar's co-workers took pity on us and invited us over for lunch. We figured two Christmas dinners was better than one! Tonight we took the turkey carcass and such out of the roasting pan, added some water and made the best broth ever. Nerdstar was drinking it like a good wine!

Oh, and Christmas Eve I drug her to a church service. I really wanted to sing some Christmas carols this year. I think they're amazing. Her boss had invited her and her co-workers to their service, so we went there.

It wasn't that great. Not nearly enough Christmas carols. And the message was one of those super evangalistic types that I never understand. I know what the preacher is trying to do, I just can't imagine it ever working. If you go on the premise he was preaching to people who come to church maybe once or twice a year, or were there for the first time to appease some family member, then why the hell did he try to "preach the entire Bible" and make it all about reference the intended audience won't get. It's right up there with preaching to the choir every Sunday - pointless.

I did catch a glimpse of the type of worship I used to participate in when I went to church in Austin, and I can't express how much I miss it. But all the bullshit that goes with it, I just don't want to deal with. I always hold some hope in my heart that one day I'll find a church that's completely different.

Low Key

Things are just really low key around here these days. I finished my Christmas shopping a while back, mostly online. In fact, my family in Texas got their package back on Monday.

So, it's just Nerdstar and I around here for the holidays. We decided to go ahead and cook a little turkey and some dressing and a couple of other dishes.

We might head out to a Christmas Eve service, I've been wanting to go sing some Christmas carols.

See, very low key.

Huh?

Apparently, just a few weeks in a cold climate has turned Nerdstar and I into total GUYS! We've taken to watching Ultimate Fighting and now we're watching and laughing at the Video Game Awards. We don't even own a single gaming system. (Although we might check into them after Christmas) Add that to our MXC and Ninja Warrior viewings... what's next?? Bring on the beer and girls on trampolines!

Decisions

Along with supposedly simple things like what the hell to do for Christmas or New Years; Nerdstar and I have a terrible time trying to make bigger decisions.

(Christmas I think we're going to stay put and cook a decent meal. New Year's I made reservations at PF Chang's in Pittsburgh and we'll see if we do anything after that.)

There are tons of nice little houses around here under $100,000. And we would love to own a nice little house. But... we just don't know how long we're going to stay here. Her job is decent, but not her dream job. Between it possibly leading to better civilian jobs, or her currently unknown military career, it's just hard to say where we'll end up next, or when.

Then there's the whole issue of me getting a job. There's nothing to be had within a fifty mile radius. So today I actually applied online for a couple of jobs about 100 miles from here. One of them is only two or so night shifts a week - which would be sufficient to keep up my skills until we know more about the future and wouldn't be hell driving that far every day.

I think it'd be much easier for me to be unemployed for a while if I hadn't been unemployed so much in the past few years. But I'm out of dvds, and books, and such. And as I've written in the past, I'm terrible at self motivation. It's not like I can even get myself to use this down time (that I know won't last forever) to get into shape.

We've only been here two months. It feels a little longer.

Nerdstar has her own dislikes of living here - mostly having to do with a real lack of good food and diversity.

Bleh

The lethargy, depression, and frustration all increase just a little bit every day.

View

View

It was nice and clear this morning. We're supposed to get more of this today and tomorrow, then warmer for the weekend. Nice!

UPDATE: Between taking that pic and the time Nerdstar had to drive home from work it snowed at least 5 inches. While it's really pretty - there are two or three steep hills in our neighborhood. We were on the cell phones most of her way home, then about two long blocks from home she finally got stuck. I had to try to rescue her! A couple of neighborhood ladies came out and helped us try to push. Then the snow truck finally came through the neighborhood and we finally made it home. I'd say it took about an hour or so. My car is a 97 Buick which is heavy enough to get around on bad roads. Her little Toyota Matrix - not so heavy. Guess we'll have to get her some snow tires or something! Our land lady has the same type of car - so we're going to get her advice!

Nothing like your first winter in a place that really has winter. Thankfully it's going to warm up this weekend and it'll all melt away - this time...

Odd and Ends

These days I'm pretty much stuck in house wife role. What's sad is both Nerdstar and I would prefer it was me bringing home the bacon and her frying it up in a pan. I just don't really enjoy house work.

I've emailed a resume and cover letter to all the appropriate people I can find around here. It still amazes me that for a town of 20K they seem to have an over abundance of phlebotomists. How does that happen? Unfortunately, if something doesn't open up by the first of the year, I'm going to have to go back to doing something else. Yuck.

Today there are snow flurries and sunshine - a nice mix.

It's not going to get out of the 20s this week. The poor pets are not at all happy about it either. I feel kinda bad for them. I keep it pretty darn cold over night because Nerdstar and I generate lots of body heat under the flannel sheets and down comforter. The cats come and go throughtout the night and snuggle up to us. The poor dog has a bed, but you can tell he's not too happy about any of it. If he didn't constantly make the cats think he was going to eat them, they might let him on the bed, too - but that's never going to happen.

At least we're not in St. Louis - those poor people there without power all this time!

I do wish we had a fireplace. I can't understand why they're not standard in every house around here, but there seem to be lots without one.

And one final note - thermostats are crazy liars. I've got it set on 60 - there's not a chance in hell the temp in this house is 60. I know 60. 60 means you don't have to wear multiple layers of clothes.

16 Months

In 16 months I'll be 40. Sixteen seems like a big number. But not so much to me.

If I'm average, I'll have half of my life left. And not necessarily the better half. If I'm lucky, and if things like nanotechnology and all the medical discoveries about to be made on all those baby boomers pan out, I'm only 1/3 done with my life. Yes, 120 would be just fine with me. Because if I'm only 1/3 done, there might be less pressure. Pressure for what?

I wish I knew. I've spent my whole life feeling like I want to do something helpful. I want to make a difference in people's lives. When I was in my church going days it seemed simpler, but I can't say that I really felt I was making much difference. I've always believed making a difference can be as simple as smiling at strangers. But I've always wanted something just a little bigger.

Funny - sixteen years ago I graduated college with a sociology degree. Haven't done a thing with it.

Then twelve years ago I got certified to teach. One of my biggest disappointments is that I've never really taught. In one of my life's ironies - if I'd stayed put back where I grew up I almost certainly would have had a teaching job right after student teaching. Instead, I moved to Austin. That might have been one of the worst decisions I've made. Then again, maybe not. Hard to say.

I mostly know the life I want to have. A house, a kid, maybe a job I enjoy, maybe staying home with the kids, some good friends, some small part in the community I live in. I think all that would be enough. And it doesn't seem like any of it should be so hard to obtain.

Sixteen months. 40.

Home

Ah, it's so good to be out of the house, and by myself! The kid went back to his mother's tonight, so it's a sad time at our house. This every other week stuff is bullshit, but not a thing I can do about it.

Anyway. I made the most of the time I had with him. Tuesday afternoon he and I went ice skating for several hours. He'd never been before, and he loved it! I got a little bit of video on the camera of him out on the ice - not holding the wall or anything, just staking away. He's so cute. Omg, he's got mad skills with the teenage girls. (He's 5!) He'd find one out on the ice while I was taking a break and skate up to her and grab her hand and usually the girl was nice and went a lap around the rink with him before I'd call him over and make him leave her alone. He'll walk up to any pretty girl and just throw his arms around her. It doesn't bode well for the future!

Wednesday we went to see Happy Feet. It sucked. Maybe some people think the animation is cool or something, but mostly I was bored. I realized watching it why I've always been such a big Pixar fan - they don't preach at me. Not that they don't have nice, happy messages, just they don't pound me over the head with the evilness of MAN.

Yesterday he insisted on going ice skating again. This time my brother and Mom tagged along. The Kid found a cute teenage girl who worked on the ice and followed her around most of the time. When I told him to let her work he explained that he was working with her - helping her. Yep.

Other than that we watched one of the Godzilla movies about five times in three days. He absolutely loves them! It was funny, he's been conviced that not only is Godzilla real - he's Godzilla. So the dvd had one of the "making of" features that we watched. Now that he's seen how they build the sets and blow everything up - he wants to build sets in the back yard!

What sucks so much about his mother having him every other week is that it really limits his participation in anything he enjoys - like sports. I'd love to see him get into community theater or something as well. But, hell, she won't even take him to school the weeks she has him, much less anything else.

Now it's two days with the folks, and after five days already I'm pretty burned out. I realized this trip that after 20 years I'm pretty done psychoanalyzing them - they are who they are and they certainly aren't going to change. All I an do is let it all slide like water off a duck!

The food has been great so far! Fantastic turkey and dressing. My chocolate pie came out better than ever. Mom made french toast this morning. Yum.

Hope you all had a great holiday!! I'll be back Monday.

Weekend

Before I get to the weekend...

what the hell kind of forcast is this? I've never heard anyone mention that there seems to be some sort of force field over this area of the country that forbids anyone seeing any sunshine except maybe once a week. Sigh.

It's been a decent weekend. Yesterday we went to see Stranger Than Fiction and both enjoyed it. It's a sweet little movie. It was slow in a few places, but that's ok on a rainy Saturday.

Other than that it's been a pretty slow weekend. After all the driving Friday it was nice to sleep late, hang out and relax. Well, Nerdstar needs the rest, me not so much.

Oh yeah. At the movie there were two young men sitting in front of us, I'd say around 18 to 20. Around half way through the movie I looked down and noticed they were holding hands. It was so cute! I mean, this is a pretty small town in a pretty butch area of the country. You could tell they were young and hopefully in love and trying to find their way.

Nerdstar's not familiar with being young and having to steal away to get "together" time when and where you can - but boy it sure brought back memories for me.

Wrong Assumptions

It was a mostly dull weekend. Nerdstar had to go to Army drill Friday night, then all day Saturday and Sunday. So that meant we didn't really get to do anything fun. She still hasn't gotten word on when she can take her oath for her promotion, so we don't know if/when that will happen, or what will happen after that in her military career.

We experienced some sticker shock (for lack of a better term) when she got her first paycheck. When she agreed to take this job at a certain salary, we picked that salary partly because it seemed reasonable, and partly because we thought it would be a decent raise from her army pay. Well, what we didn't know is that apparently if Uncle Sam owns your ass, he doesn't take out very much in taxes. In the Army you get lots of pay "extras" like housing and such, that equals lots of money, that I'm not thinking gets taxes. So although I'm pretty sure her base pay is more, her takehome pay will now be substantially less due to taxes. That was incredibly depressing to realize.

Part of the reason we moved here was that life was supposed to be cheaper on a higher salary. Well, both rent and things like cable and utilities appear to be more than we were hoping, while take home pay is a lot less.

Couple all of that with the outlook for me getting a job is also a lot more grim than I anticipated and I've been rather depressed the past week or so.

But, that's how life is. If I know nothing else, I know that things will change again. Hopefully for the better.

Crazy

It hasn't really been that long, but not having a job is already driving me crazy. I don't know why it's so hard to be unemployed. I think part of it is that I really thought I'd get a job fairly fast. Nope. I really, really want to stick with being a phlebotomist. I don't want to go back to doing some sort of office work - although I might find a job faster that way. The very idea crushes my soul. It sucks that I had just gotten into the groove of my last job. Bleh.

So cross your fingers and say your prayers that I find a job soon.

Adjusting

One adjustment we're having to make to living in a colder climate - wearing a lot more clothes around the house. I've spent most of my life hanging out around the house in a t-shirt and undies. Those days are apparently over until, say, June.

Here

Yesterday I was up at 1:30 a.m. trying to get the cats in their huge cage before they could hide under the bed. I finally got back to sleep about 4 and the alarm went off at 6:30 to get ready for the movers, who were fantastic and showed up at 7:30. Of course, the rain started about 1 a.m. and ended, oh, today.

I finally got on the road about 12:30 yesterday. I had to cancel the water service and turn in the cable box and turn in the apt. keys before I could leave town.

At about 6:30 last night I finally had to give up driving in the rain with all the big rigs and their splatter. I was exhausted.

I did at least get to watch Heroes in the hotel before trying to fall asleep!

I was going to get up and hit the road early this morning, but I had to wait for the rain to finally, finally stop. Ugh.

So after driving another 9 or so hours today through some of the really beautiful parts of this country - I'm finally in our new town. I saw the little house we're renting. It's cute, but little. Not sure where we'll put everything. It'll be lots of fun looking for a house to buy in Jan/Feb when there are ? feet of snow on the ground.

Well, my brain and body are fried. More to follow soon...

Movin Right Along

I've got the Muppet Movie song in my head.

Apparently, everything has fallen into place. Nerdstar found a decent little house to rent and has scheduled the movers for bright and early Monday morning!

Today was my last day at work. I'm not at all sad to be leaving Kansas City, but I am sad to be leaving my job. It's the best job I've had in many years. It was weird driving home thinking that was the last time I'll see that place.

I've gotten, I'd say, 90% of our stuff packed, but man, this last 10% is the hard part. And I think I'm going to run out of boxes. (Yes, I saved almost all of the boxes from the last move.)

Monday morning is going to be hectic. I've got to get up early and get the two cats into their huge cage before the movers get here and/or they decide it's time to hide under the bed. Then, after the movers pack everything in their truck, I've got to do all the little stuff, like turn in the apt. keys, cancel the PO box and forward the mail, cancel the cable, electic, water, and gas. Fortunately, half of that can be done by phone.

Then it's the two day drive to my new, unseen, home.

Nerdstar's in charge of getting everything up and running at the new place, but I'll be in charge of what goes where and unpacking.

I'm not sure how long before we'll get internet set up at the new place, but we'll post what we can when we can.

October 16

That's the day Nerdstar starts her new job in a small town in Pennsylvania. The $$ was too good to say no to.

She got the job offer Monday while she's in Houston for a few days visiting her sister.

My emotions have been a roller coaster ever since. I'll be a little sad to leave my job, but am also aware that a year from now I'll wonder why I was sad. It's no secret we're not crazy about KC, but we're moving to a really small town, in the mountains of PA. It could be a frying pan/fire thing - but I don't think so. One thing I've hoped for in our new location is some really good outdoor activities. Well, if we can handle all the snow, there should be plenty to do outdoors. We'll see if I can get my fat ass in shape enough to even try skiing some bunny hills!

As of now I have no idea how the logistics of this are going to work out. We were planning on going to see The Kid the weekend of the 20th. It's 8 1/2 hours here to Dallas, 15 hours here to PA, and 20 hours Dallas to PA. Not much of that sounds fun. Plus all the packing and finding somewhere to live in said small town.

So that's our good news. Anyone want to come help pack??

Two Kinds

There are two kinds of talking during sex.

The first six months it's the expected "ohhh yes, right there, mmmmm you're so good" sort of talk.

Then forever after that it's more "mmmmmmmm, did you remember to take out the trash? oooohhhhh did you put milk on the grocery list?"

Number Crunching

Well, looking at the spreadsheet I keep for monthly bills last night, I realized that having Nerdstar unemployed means losing 2/3 of our monthly income. Yikes! It sucks to realize that all of my hard work won't even cover our bills, much less things like gas and groceries.

As of now, Nerdstar has too many variables in her employment prospects to make any sense out of them, but we're good for a few months at least. It's certainly hard to start spending like unemployed people!

I'm also not sure we're leaving pergatory as soon as I'd hoped - but you never know. If I'm actually employed this holiday season, it'll be the first time in many years!

Misc.

It's been a decent week so far. I'm sure glad that not only is tomorrow Friday, but it's a long weekend. Saturday is haircuts and massages!

Work has been ok this week. I've mostly been at other locations that the main draw station I work at. At one place I'm the only phleb there, and the other there are two of us and a lot less patients. I'm not crazy about working a location by myself, but I guess it's a sure fire way to learn more!

It's mostly nice having Nerdstar home, but damn can that girl frustrate me. I asked one thing of her Monday night - that she be home when I get home so we can cook dinner and spend time together. Well, days two and three of that request - didn't happen. Bleh.

Other than that not much to write about.

Weekend

Nerdstar finally landed back in KC about 1 a.m. Friday night. I had been watching the weather radar online and saw there was going to be a short clearing - thankfully the pilots had had a long day and saw the same clearing and took it.

It's been a good weekend, too much food, but that's life with my Nerdstar!

We went to see Little Miss Sunshine today. I loved it!! I don't think I've seen a better cast movie than that - could the expressions on the sons face have been any more perfect? And while I kept wondering what in the world the grandpa was rehearsing with the little girl, even I didn't see that routine coming! But in the end - isn't that how families are - doing the right thing and looking out for each other when push comes to shove?

On an unrelated note. We've taken to calling living in the midwest living in pergatory. I've also written about how at least 75% of my patients at work are old white people. The other week when one of the doctor's offices was closed and we got all of their patients as well, the door opened and in walked six or seven OWPs rather slowly. I looked up and caught a glimpse and had to walk to another part of the office and laugh - I was totally reminded of Night of the Living Dead and zombies! I told that to one of my coworkers and they laughed, too. I guess it's only fitting that there are the living dead in pergatory.

Just a little more waiting

About midnight my time, Nerdstar will be getting on a plane and heading back home to me. I think as of right now she's probably on the 3 hour bus ride to the airport.

As for me, between now and picking her up at the airport, I've got to be at work at 7:30 (an hour and a half earlier than usual) and on top of that - it's just me and the manager working the first hour and a half - fun! I'm literally praying no patients come through the door during that time! It's going to be a long 5 hours at work before hitting the door.

I told Nerdstar that I'm so very, very glad she's coming home on a Friday afternoon so we have all weekend together, but that it also means I don't have the energy to get the house all cleaned before she gets here. In the three hours between leaving work and picking her up at the airport, I have to at least wrap her welcome home presents!

I'm ready to have my snuggle bunny home with me again. I certainly hope she's as tired of her being away from home as I am!

Building A Life

As is so often the case with my entries, this one is full of half formed thoughts and ideas.

How do you build the life you want? Or more to the point, how do I build the life I want?

I believe the past seven or eight years brought about an almost complete deconstruction of me. The year I turned 30 I changed everything I could change. Then came Nerdstar and the year + of Iraq and unemployment. I can only hope that was the low point of my life. Then came the move to the midwest.

But for reasons I can not articulate, I truly believe a corner has been turned. It's crazy how just having a job I feel good at has helped that feeling of optimism.

And while we aren't at all sure where Nerdstar's next job will be, I'm hoping it's safe to say that within the next two months or so, we'll be moving again.

The next two building blocks I hope and pray for are a baby and even just a small set of friends - maybe a group to play poker and ride motorcycles with.

Building blocks of life.

Outsider

It's been a decent weekend. One more on my own before Nerdstar returns.

In my cross-training duties at work, there were a couple of afternoons last week I got to work with one of the ladies (R) who was really helpful back when I was taking the phleb class. She works for the same boss, but over in a different lab location. Back during the class, the only guy in the class was in a band, so Nerdstar and I, one of the instructors and her husband, and R and a friend went to check him out. The only problem was, it wasn't his band playing that night. Oh well, the band that did play was pretty good.

This week R mentioned going out to hear some music at this new venue she's found, so Friday after work we met up with another friend of hers for dinner and then some more ladies joined us at the club to hear music.

R's asked how Nerdstar's doing, and we've talked a little about her being gone and my trip over there and such, talked a little about what comes next after Nerdstar comes home - as in who knows what's next. She refers to Nerdstar as "your girlfriend" but I'm almost positive she uses the term "girlfriend" as a generic term as some straight women are known to do. I let it slide and usually answer the best I can.

So, it was kinda funny, kinda ironic when we were at dinner and all of the sudden R leans in and comments on how one of the young women at the table diagonol from us is caressing the other young woman's leg with her foot - and then goes on to say how she doesn't mind people being like that - as long as she doesn't have to see it. I almost choked laughing, but caught myself. She asked if I minded and said of course I didn't. HA! Straight women can be so confusing!

It was cool listening to the jazz band. There was some vibe about the venue that had me craving getting high like no one's business. Another irony, R and one of her friends had talked about how people they knew were always smoking pot, but evidently they don't. So while I was only one degree separated from pot, there's no way I could try to get some.

I had a rum and coke and was pretty tired and my contacts were drying out, so I was pretty mellow. I'd listen to the band and let my mind wander. I tried to peg just what it is that made me feel so different from the other women at the table. And it was nothing to do with race or sexual orientation. (I was the only white chick.)

I just can't quite adequately express it. It was just a microcosm of why I don't like living in the Midwest.

One thing I noticed was an attitude toward tipping. I'm one of those people who tends to tip fairly well due to having waited tables in the past. What I realized was that these women have the view that they work hard for their money (and they do) and that they're not going to tip you well unless they think you've worked hard to earn it. It's not a huge thing, but it's just one of those differences of perspective that feels big.

I grew up lower middle class. But somehow I never knew that. I never felt like I lacked for anything. Although I think I got sensible money habits from my parents. But I don't view life as a poor, struggling person.

I really don't know how to express any of it. I can sit and talk and joke and have a decent time with those ladies. But I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's just the whole thing, maybe it is that I'm white, I'm college educated, I don't perceive myself as poor and underclass, I'm gay, I've traveled.

It sure would be nice to find a city and a group of friends I don't feel like an outsider in.

Monday Monday

Just another Monday. The hospital lab I work for has several auxilliary locations that we staff as well. With employees dropping like flies, we're all supposed to be cross training - but that mostly means me cross training. A co-worker's kid is sick and can't be at day care, so I'm at a different location today. I got here around 10 a.m, it's now 2:40 and I've seen exactly one patient. Now, that's good in that I haven't been overwhelmed with things I don't know. But it's bad because I'm bored out of my skull. I explained to my boss just Friday that I've spent plenty of time alone and unemployed, so I much prefer working at our main lab. (Yes, even with insane co-workers.)

So I've done much surfing and blog reading today. My little blogroll is growing, and I love each and every blogger on it!

Well, only 17 or so days until Nerdstar comes home. I'm really ready for her to be home. I'm starting to look at it in terms of how many more nights I have to walk the dog, how many times I have to do laundry and clean the litter boxes before handing those responsibilities over to her for a while! :-) She's planning on spending a month playing stay at home wife - should be fun! Thankfully, the big bucks she was hoping to make while in Japan have come through.

Lazy Day

One thing about my job, it really makes me appreciate weekends again.

Today has been a total nap fest for me.

Nerdstar's sister lent her a laptop to take back to Japan with her, so Nerdstar installed Skype. Not only can she chat from her little barricks room, we can talk for free! Pretty cool. So we talked for a while last night. It's not that we haven't been talking, it's just that she's probably spent a small fortune in phone cards.

I woke up at the ungodly for a weekend time of 7:20 this morning. I got to talk with Nerdstar before she had to head to bed. Then I promptly took a nap from about 9:30 this morning till noon. That's when I decided it was one of those no shower/no leave the house days.

After vacuuming and eating a sandwich and watching some tv and starting a roast cooking I took another hour + nap.

I hate summer. It's too damn long, the days are too damn long, and there's entirely too much sunshine! Growing up in the Texas heat, which lasts from mid May to October made me a night person. I remember there were many days when I was younger that I wouldn't leave the house until after dark, which meant around 10 pm just to run errands.

Today feels like that. Because if I don't go get gas and groceries in the cool of the dark tonight, it's going to feel over 100 around here again tomorrow.

Yawn.

Life

I know my blogging has been kinda lame lately.

In some ways there really isn't much going on. Nerdstar heads back to Japan tomorrow after laying her grandma to rest. I can only hope that from a distance I've been at least a little comfort to her.

That said, in some ways I'll be glad when she's back in Japan because we'll actually be able to talk more. She hasn't had a cell phone with her in Houston, and, of course, it's been a hectic, hectic week for her. (Yes, I can be that selfish.)

Work is work. Most days go pretty well. Yesterday was a total Monday, every one in the office was just a little on edge. There are rumors of changes here and there in the office, but I'm learning to take things in stride. It's hard, but I'm trying to get better about not letting things that haven't happened yet frustrate me. I'm also working hard at not getting mad/frustrated about things I have no control over. Yes, that includes traffic. Ugh. Yesterday on the drive home I discovered the route I take home has a nifty little detour going. No warning, no idea how long that part of the highway will be closed. It's little consolation that I have two alternate routes - both add about five or six miles to an already long drive home.

On top of it all, it's the long, dog days of summer, and I hate hot weather. And with the sun shining all the damn time, it just makes the days seem way too long.

Bleh

Nerdstar made it to Houston today. Tomorrow they'll spend getting everything ready for the funeral on Saturday. Then she'll have a few days to spend with Grandpa before heading back to Japan on Wednesday.

It's frustrating not being there with her. But her family just really wouldn't want me there. And this just isn't one of those situations where you make waves and make points about things. It just seems wrong that she's going through such an important event in her life, and I feel like I'm only peripherally involved.

Not much else going on other than that. I'm ready for her to be home. Mostly because it sucks having to do everything by myself. As I've said before, I could never be a single mother. It almost takes more energy than I have these days to come home from work at feed the pets and walk the dog and cook some dinner. The only good thing is that at least there's no time table to deal with. I do it all whenever I get my butt up to do it.

Well, ok, and I really miss snuggle time!

Go

You can read Nerdstar's entry about her grandmother's passing here, and leave comments of support.

Update

Well, Nerdstar's Grandma died about 1:30 in the morning. The only consolation was that it was not slow and painful. Nerdstar's been talking with her sister and aunt about everything, trying to cope. She's going to be able to catch a plane out in the next day or two and head to Houston. Her and her chain of command are trying to figure out the best way to take leave, and it may end up just being that they cancel her orders all together and she doesn't have to go back to Japan. We'll know more in the next 24 hours.

She's dreaded this day for a long, long time. It's frustating to be so far apart while she's so sad.

Sad

My poor Nerdstar just called. Her grandma had what they think was a stroke a couple of days ago, and now the prognosis is looking bleak. It's hard for Nerdstar to really know the particulars, getting info third and fourth hand. And of course, it's all complicated for her being all the way in Japan right now. The Army has emergency leave, but it's not clear yet if she will be granted it or for how long. And for all kinds of reasons (having to do with my work and her family), I won't be able to meet up with her down in Houston.

Her sister had just had her last day at her job and was in the process of starting her move down to Houston, so at least she'll be able to be there with/for grandpa if the worst should happen.

So please keep Nerdstar and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She's incredibly sad. Grandma has come through several tough illnesses in the past eight or nine years, but...

Slowly but Surely

I'm slowly getting back into the groove of things. Although, I woke up about 3 a.m. then at 4:15 or so after still not getting back to sleep, got up and surfed around the net some. Come 6 a.m. I tried to sleep until the alarm was going to go off at 7:30, no such luck. So about 6:30 I was making pancakes and finally bringing the dog food up from the car.

On top of all that lack of sleep, I went in an hour early today, so it was a 9 hour day. On top of that, we've got a new class of phlebotomy students that my coworkers and I help train. I try very hard to be patient and helpful, you know, since it was a few short months ago I was in their position, but it is really rather nerve-wracking watching a newbie draw someone's blood. Thankfully the patients who agree to let a student draw their blood are usually very patient as well.

I'm pretty ready for Nerdstar to come home. She's going to take a couple of weeks off and catch up on sleep and pet the fur kids and clean and cook when she does come back. The only downside of working until 6 p.m. is getting home at 7 and not feeling like cooking dinner - but there aren't any decent restaurants around here to stop at on the way home either. It'll be nice to have a cook around!

Nerdstar would be blogging, but now that she's been switched from one set of bosses and jobs to a different set of bosses and jobs (trust me, it's all a mess!) she doesn't even have a computer 90% of the time. Instead she's getting to do things like equipment inspections, room inspections, guard duty, and I think Friday they have to go climb Mt. Fuji. Fun Fun Fun!!

Life Is Good

Life is good hanging out with The Kid and the dog. Ramen is so happy to have a backyard to run around in.

The Kid is at Vacation Bible School and I'm at the public library with 44 minutes of internet time. But it's free and easy.

We had a full day yesterday. VBS, lunch, bought a new toy at his favorite store - the Dollar Tree, played on the play area at Chick-Fil-A, went to see Cars (we really enjoyed it!!), played indoors, played outdoors, played indoors, took a bath.

My favorite part of the day was hanging out in the backyard with the two of them.

It's a little weird staying at my parents' house without them there. I've only done that one other time - and that was my senior year in high school. It was also a little weird setting foot in the church I grew up in.

The Kid leaves tonight to spend the week with his mom - he alternates every other week. He doesn't like to go and told me he's ready to tell a judge he doesn't want to go there. Poor kid.

I'm looking forward to doing a little shopping the next couple of days. It's nice to spend time in a place with good food and good shopping and no real plans.

Woohoo!

I am on vacation!!

I've got a Mav's basketball game to watch tonight. (I cussed at the tv a lot the other night after their 1 point loss.) One last time I have to walk the dog before he was 3 weeks of backyard time! I've gotten 2 litter boxes ready, washed the dishes, gotten all of the bills set to be paid, and am almost packed (mostly because I'm just putting the whole laundry basket in the trunk).

Tomorrow morning I just have to finish loading the car, drop off the rent check, mail out a package to Nerdstar, get some breakfast, and hit the road.

I'm excited to see The Kid tomorrow. Thursday we take him to see Cars and get ice cream. I'm almost as excited to get to eat Whataburger, Chick-Fil-A and Braums Ice Cream!

I shoule be back online Saturday, I'm hoping to use some free wifi at Barnes and Noble while staying at the folks.

Death

I don't expect this post to be very coherent.

My best friend from kindergarten to high school graduation was Theresa. We've been in touch a few times over the years since then, but haven't stayed close. Growing up, our parents were good friends, too.

Today, my Mom called to tell me Theresa's mother had died. It makes me so sad.

I hate death. I mean really, really resent and hate it.

I don't know if it's because I'm 38 and feel like I haven't even gotten started with my life, much less want it to be half over. Or because death is, for all we know, so damn permanent. Even if there is something after this life, and it does last for "eternity", then that makes the shortness of life here and now seem even more of a bad deal. (This post isn't about starting a debate about religions or the "afterlife".)

If I'm ever given a choice to "freeze" at whatever age I am for as long as I want - I'd make that choice in a heartbeat!

Weekend

It was a decent weekend. Yesterday was dedicated to things like doing the laundry and the floors. Very exciting things.

Today was motorcycle riding day. When I woke up at 5:40 a.m. it was raining. When I woke up again at 7:30 it was raining even more. But around noon it began to clear out. Nice. When I finally started out it was about 75 and a little overcast. One hundred miles later when I got back home it was probably closer to 90 and all sunshine. Thank God for 50 spf sun screen!

I'm really enjoying the new motorcycle.

Unfortunately, I had one little problem with it today. The license plate fell off somewhere in those 100 miles. Now, what sucks is I had a feeling it might. I had every intention of checking it out along the way, but kept forgetting. So of course, when I got home and finally checked it, it was gone. Bleh. It's just one of those little hassles in life I could live without. I've got to get up early tomorrow and go to the license plate place, which, thankfully, is about four blocks from the house.

In totally unrelated thoughts - how lame was the Sopranos??

This and That

Just the usual going on around here.

I seem to be alone, but I really don't want Taylor to win American Idol. He's a Vegas lounge act at best, a clown at worst. I can't wait to see the season finale of Lost tonight. I'll be watching it live and recording Idol. I loved House last night. Wow, I'm so glad that poor patient wasn't real. It was bad enough when his eye popped out, then to blow out his balls - terrible!!

Work has been work. My phone rang at 6:20 yesterday morning, they wanted to know if I could come in early. I was scheduled 9:30 to 6, which will be my Monday thru Friday schedule when I go full time on the 5th. They had three out of five people call in sick yesterday, so I went in an hour early. Not that the people who open ever seem to stay an hour late. Then, when the manager who I'd had a misunderstanding with last week (explained next) asked if I could work today or tomorrow, I said I had things scheduled already. Which was true. I had an apt. to get my car fixed. (explained after next)

See, week before last when I had my interview for the full time job, I understood that any days I wasn't working up North until the 5th, I'd go ahead and work downtown. So, after showing up Monday and Tuesday, the manager got a hold of me Wednesday morning explaing that had been a misunderdstanding. Fine. But then she made some remarks about how I had apparently told everyone I was hired instead of waiting for management to make that announcement. Huh? I'm supposed to keep it a secret? In an office where gossip runs faster Carl Lewis? Right. To top it off, she says she's also "heard" that I plan on moving in August. I said, with all honesty, I have no plans to move in August. I said that Nerdstar comes home in August, maybe that was the mix up. (I have mentioned to people that I'd like to move before the end of the year.) She said she hopes I wouldn't take a job knowing I'd be moving. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Why wouldn't I take a full time job, even if I had definite plans to move by the end of the year?

Anyway. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I considered not taking the full time job and just doing shifts "as needed" up North. But that doesn't seem smart. Our goal is to get as much money in the savings as possible to give us more choices when Nerdstar gets home.

So, no, I didn't feel too bad about saying I couldn't work today or tomorrow, when I could have if I wanted.

I did get the car fixed though. The "low coolant" light had come on driving downtown last week and I was just happy it didn't overheat driving it home that evening. It was temtping to just let it sit while Nerdstar is gone and drive her car or the new motorcycle. But, I don't really want to put more miles on her newer car because it already has way too many for it's age. I decided to at least see what was wrong with it. Turned out to be the water pump, which I think I payed way too much to GoodYear to fix, but they're pretty much the only place to get work done around here without a lot of hassle.

Let me just say. One of the biggest sucky things about not having friends while Nerdstar's away - no one to help out with things like rides to the mechanic.

That's pretty much life these days. Cleaning house, watching tv, chatting with Nerdstar when I can, taking care of the pets, and working.

And She's Off

Well, I dropped Nerdstar off at the airport this morning. I think she has what all she needs, but I wouldn't be surprised if she forgot something.

I can't say the time we had right before she left was great. She got in Thursday night and we had a decent dinner, got a few things done and crashed. I knew she had some things to get done yesterday, including all of her packing. But in typical Nerdstar fashion, it took four hours to do things on post that I had hoped would only take an hour. Then it took her about eight hours to get organized and packed. The only good thing about that was I got some organizing and cleaning done at the same time. There was going to be some sort of get together with some of her co-workers last night, but only one guy showed. It was cool to talk with him and all, but I think I'd prefer a nice romantic dinner the last night together before 105 days apart. After dinner it was more packing and such.

By the time we finally got to bed about midnight I was a little frustrated. I told her it'd be nice to have the kind of girlfriend who'd have planned ahead and planned something even a little special. In some ways that's unfair of me. We both know she's not the "plan something special" type, that's generally more my role. I think somewhere along the way I got tired of that role.

We didn't exactly fight, but just had one of our hard to have conversations. She explained how she's just having a hard time since we moved here. I don't know. I've dealt with depression and such enough to know that changing location doesn't usually change my brain.

So, it's six weeks until I fly over and visit. I don't think we'll get much time on the phone, but we're hoping to use the Gmail chat a lot. It's 14 hours later there, and that might work out so that when I'm getting home from work, she's at work in the morning and hopefully can be online. We'll have a better idea of things in about 48 hours. She doesn't even know anything about the barracks she'll be staying in - other than it's between the chow hall and the PX - which makes her happy!

Good News

Nerdstar made it home last night and it's actually kinda weird having her here. I've spent most of the week mentally preparing for her to be gone for 104 days and adjusting to life alone for that period. She's got a few errands to run today and a lot of packing to do. Then it's breakfast and a morning flight out tomorrow.

I've been volunteering to help out at work with a bunch of health fairs for the past two or three weeks. I wasn't scheduled at either hospital and I figured it'd get me a few hours and a lot of practice at drawing blood. Well, it also got me a full time position at the hospital downtown! It's kinda crazy how just showing up on time and being reliable and happy to do your job is seen as something special these days.

Tuesday I got a brief email from the downtown lab manager saying to give her a call. I figured she was calling to apologize for having messed up my pay last week. Nope, she was calling to see if I was interested in interviewing for the opening downtown. I had figured that since I'm about to take 3 weeks off at the end of next month, I'd wait until I was back from that to think about a "real" job position. I haven't been unhappy doing "as needed" hours, because it's given me the freedom to take off when I wanted to. But she said she'd be happy to work around the few remaining days I have already scheduled up north and the 3 weeks off. Cool.

The interview was yesterday. It was pretty short and to the point. She'd worked a few of the health fairs I was at and was impressed and wanted me to take the open job downtown. I figure with Nerdstar being gone I might as well work as much as I can so we can bank more $$. And, as I wrote the other day, it'll certainly help the time she's gone go much faster!

Part of me would rather it was a full time job at the north location. I've certainly learned more up there and like the co-workers and it's half the distance. But I just don't see that a job will open up there anytime soon. I feel kinda bad because I think the manager up there will be disappointed to lose me. I'll let her know that if anything full time does open up to keep me in mind, I can always transfer locations.

The only thing that's a little sucky is that a woman who was in my class with me has been busting her butt full time at the downtown location for about six weeks now and yet I got offered a "real" position before she did. We're pretty sure she'll be made "real" soon, but I'd be pissed if I were her. I really like working with her, she's a fellow Texan, so I'll see how she's taking it on Monday.

Storm before the calm

Things feel more hectic around here than they are. Nerdstar has spent all week "clearing post" which meant going to almost every building on post and getting one person or another to sign something. Poor thing even had to get a couple of shots before her trip to Japan. Today it's the pets turn to go with her and get their shots. Basic vet care is very cheap on post.

Tomorrow we head to my folks' house for the weekend, for the kid's birthday. We can't wait to see him and to eat some good food!! Saturday we're taking the kid to Six Flags, that should be a blast! I'll try to take a bunch of pics.

Then Monday I drive back home and Nerdstar flies to Houston to visit her grandparents before leaving the country.

She comes back home Thursday and flies to Japan Saturday.

So everything feels crazy and out of place. But I know I'll have way too much time to be calm and quiet when she's gone.

We bought my ticket to Japan for June 28th. I'm pretty excited about the trip. Once Nerdstar is settled in over there I'll start doing some research on what to do our few days in Tokyo.

Upcoming Travels

In a couple of weeks we're headed to see my family for my nephew's birthday. He's going to be 5. Damn how the time flies! Me, Nerdstar and my brother are taking him to Six Flags. Then the next day we'll have a party. He's so funny. He understands that riding rides isn't based on age, but height, so the other day he told my Mom that he'd been stretching all night. He's going to be mad he can't ride the big roller coasters!

Then...

Nerdstar was offered a three and a half month job at a base in Japan. Actually, they'd love for her to stay much longer, but that's about as long as we want to be apart for now. She'll make at least twice what she normally does for those three months! Plus, it's a job doing more of what she wants to be doing translation wise. (Hopefully she'll write about all this and explain it better!)

A few months ago I got my first passport. So I'll be using in in June to go over and visit her in Japan. How cool is that? I'll probably be there just over a week and we'll do a long weekend in Tokyo. (The base she'll be staying at isn't very far, but it takes about three hours by train to get to Tokyo.) It is a little daunting to do my first 13 hour flight all by myself. Plus having to get through their version of customs, etc.

It's not my first trip out of the States. I met a great lady from Mexico City at Baylor and went down to visit her a couple of times. We even took the bus from Mexico City to Acapulco. I do know, though, how hard it was for me to be somewhere I didn't speak the language and how isolating it was.

But it's all very exciting!!

New Motorcycle 1

New Motorcycle 1

That's my old bike next to it. I've been wanting a new motorcycle for a couple of years now. It's just been hard to justify spending the money when I have a decent bike already. Now that I'm working, it became a little easier, and Nerdstar was great about it! It rides and handles so much better than my old one. Of course, that's the difference between one built in 1990 and one built in 2006.

What's funny is, last weekend there was a used bike that I really liked but just couldn't talk myself into getting. After thinking about it a week, and finding out I'd actually put in some decent hours the next couple of weeks, I said, ok, I'll get it if it's still there. It wasn't. I was a little disappointed. Then we got to looking at the new ones and saw this one. It hadn't been there the week before. I thought I wanted a little bigger bike, but the sales guys told me this one really handles well on the highways around here. They were right. Even in some strong winds this afternoon, it was a great ride.

Even More Choices

Nerdstar writes What To Do? That seems to be the question these days. I don't think I could even list the options we're mulling over.

The offer she has to go to Japan for six months, and maybe Hawaii for a month after that, seems too good to pass up. But the logistics are a complete nightmare!! The biggest problem to solve is what to do with a dog and two cats while we're gone. I don't think me going with her is that problematic.

I've also been really, really hoping we'd start trying for a baby in May/June. I turn 38 Monday and everyday the number 40 runs through my head like a tyrant. I don't like the idea of delaying the baby efforts until the end of the year.

We've got three or so weeks to mull it all over.

More and more I find I just want to find a really cool city to settle down in for the next four or five years. Not sure that's gonna happen.

Greek and African Weekend

I should have gone to work at the hospital downtown this morning. Unfortunately, there was a little sleet last night and it was just starting to snow when I looked out the window this morning. There are a couple of big bridges between me and that hospital, and God knows no one can drive in rain, much less any other bad weather, so I decided not to risk it. Of course, other than ten minutes of sleet, we haven't had any bad weather at all so far today. They keep saying 5 to 8 inches of snow. Yeah right. The only way we'd get 5 or more inches of snow was if they weren't predicting any.

Nerdstar and I spent Saturday heading downtown to get some Greek food. It was a nice little place and we were the only ones there for lunch until one other couple came in.

Then we headed to a party to celebrate the birth of twins to one of her co-workers. He and his wife are tall and handsome and beautiful and from Africa. The twins aren't identical and are adorable little girls.

It was really neat, they had a lot of aunts and cousins and her mother was in town. They brought lots and lots of good African food. They also had this little ceremony where all the women take the babies out of the room and then do a procession bringing them in and sort of presenting them to all the menfolk and dance. All of the women were wearing traditional African garb and were so beautiful.

Yesterday we were complete lazy butts and didn't do anything. That's why I'm so bored today and wishing I'd gone in to work. If the snow really does hit tonight I won't be able to work tomorrow. Thankfully, regardless of weather, I'll be able to start training at the uptown hospital Wednesday.

Survived

I think I've survived a tripple threat weekend. I was sick, my period started, and Nerdstar was out of town. Bleh. I don't think I could ever adequetly write about how much my brain torments me in times like this.

To distract myself, I've watched a lot of basketball (Baylor women and UT men both lost, which made me sad! Hopefully it'll motivate both teams for the NCAA!) And I played free online poker (my free chip count went from just over 2000 to just over 7000).

There were a lot of bad storms around KC today. Fortunately for us they were south of our little apartment.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I have orientation at the hospital. It'll be boring, but it'll get me out of the house. One of the girls from my vampire class will be there, too.

Nerdstar comes home Tuesday night. I'm ready for snuggles!

You Just Never Know

I remember at one of my early job interviews here in KC the woman asked me my five/ten year plan. I would have laughed, but I'd been told by the first interviewer the question was coming. I had to explain that I don't really believe in plans, because if you'd asked me ten years ago, five years ago, or even two years ago where I'd be and what I'd be doing today - well, I wouldn't have had one thing right.

Are your lives any more predictable than mine??

Nerdstar and I have been in the KC area almost a year now. We couldn't have predicted how hard this year has been. We couldn't have guessed that there'd be such a dearth of restaurants and things to do here. We couldn't have guessed that a job with the US military could be so stressful and unstable (outside of a war zone). Things like that.

Needless to say, we're pretty ready to move on to another part of the country. People are sometimes surprised to hear that we don't plan on just heading back to Austin. I try to explain that we've driven through, or traveled to, enough of this big, beautiful country to know there are a lot of cool places to live.

One of the biggest reasons I did the phlebotomy program is so that I'll be able to find a decent job anywhere we end up. So it's really been Nerdstar trying to find a job paying at least as much, if not more, that's not here. For now it's just a really cool idea with a slight probability of coming true - we might actually get to move a little to the west!

Poor Nerdstar has had some terrible problems with the military for the past month or so regarding paperwork. We're hoping it's pretty much resolved because she's putting in her packet to become an officer. I think that's really cool. That process will take a couple more months. In the meantime she's going to try to work out a deal with a new unit out west.

I hate even mentioning it. I'm such a believer in jinxing things. But keep your fingers crossed for us!

Don't Know

I don't know how to be the person I want to be, or to have the life I want to have. Trust me, I've spent countless days trying to figure either one out and am still at a loss.

Just one example of not being the person I want to be - I've had just over two years with nothing in particular to do. You'd think I'd at least find the will power, self discipline, whatever, to get my fat ass in shape. But no. Not at all. How lame is that?

I've realized that if I were as ambitious as I am smart the world would be mine. But I evidently don't have an ambitious bone in my body. Which would be fine, if I didn't have this voice telling me all the time how I'm wasting my life.

It's two years until I turn 40. I'm really hoping to get my shit together in those two years so that 40 doesn't turn out to be another 30 - where I changed everything that could possibly be changed. Because that was exhausting and took about six or seven years to recover.

Bleh

I'm about to go absolutely nuts! I haven't heard a single word on getting an actual job at the hospital I did the vampire program at. I've sent out a couple of emails and haven't gotten any replies. I've looked online at other hospitals and such in the area, and haven't seen anything out there. UGH!

I'm trying to keep my insanity to a minimum, but it gets harder every day. Two weeks ago I was so optimistic about work and life and such, and it's all drained out of me.

Anyway, that's why the posts are all about tv and the internet - that's what my life consists of these days.

Oh, and Nerdstar did really well on all of her interview stuff in SF, but it was a no-go for her as well. We don't think the pay would have been sufficient to live there anyway.

This and That

We had a decent weekend. We went and got haircuts Saturday at a nice little salon downtown in the Hallmark Crown Plaza. The plaza itself isn't anything to write home about, but watching the tourists was kinda fun. Not as fun as the zoo, but along the same lines.

Yesterday Nerdstar flew to S.F. for her interview to be a postal inspector. I'm so glad she's getting another chance at this, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

I had thought about going to S.F. with her for a Valentine's weekend, but decided against spending the money. If it was a city I hadn't been to before, I might have been more tempted. She's also going to be very busy. It's not really an interview per se, it's five or so different types of tests and role playing and such. It lasts all day and if she passes it, she has to do a polygraph tomorrow.

The hotel she's in sounds nice, and she only had to walk a mile or so to get some dinner in Chinatown.

Me, well, I'm back to being bored out of my skull and a little on the down side.

On the bright side, I just received some very beautiful roses from my Nerdstar for Valentine's. Awwww!

Bleh

I'm so very ready to have a job. Several people who went through the class I went through and ended up with jobs there said it could take three or four weeks. It's only day one of being back to not much to do and I'm bored! I did order some books that should be here soon.

The weekend was nice. Friday night we had one friend flake out on us, but another joined us for dinner. I was really tired but it was nice to go out.

Then Saturday one of my classmates' band was supposed to play at this jazz club downtown. I looked online for directions and saw that a different band was on the online schedule, hmmm. We decided to go anyway and see if the website was wrong. It wasn't. But a couple of other folks showed up and the music was nice.

Sunday we watched a cute little asian lesbian flick called Saving Face. Other than that we were just lazy bums all weekend - which was really nice!

Done

Today was our last day of vampire class. Yesterday was the final test, I got an 89, which is good enough. Today we just had half a day of more "sticks" and then the four of us went to lunch. The instructors and some of the folks we've been working with for the past four weeks got with us after lunch and had cake and we got our certificates. It was really nice.

I'm glad the four weeks is over. It was all a little more stressful than I thought it would be. I think a lot of it, though, is just pressure I put on myself. Not only do I find that I'm more competitive than I thought I was, I'm also harder on myself that I would have guessed. Again, it comes down to wanting to be good at something.

Now it's the waiting game for a job. Several people said it could take three or four weeks to get hired. I'm trying to stick with facilities associated with the hospital that does the program so I can get my tuition back. But, if in a couple of weeks I still haven't heard anything, I'll start applying with other facilities.

Rainy Saturday

After a week of gorgeous weather, it's a very rainy Saturday. My Nerdstar has to go to drill this weekend, so I'm home alone all day. It's weird, just three weeks of going to this class makes it feel strange today to be home with nothing in particular to do.

Just one more week of this vampire class. I'm pretty ready for it to be over. I'm enjoying it, and think it's a really good class, I'd just rather it was paid on the job training.

Now I'm getting anxious about getting hired somewhere. There are rumors that they might hire the three of us looking for a job part time at first to do things like health fairs and filling in for people's days off. I'm not opposed to that. There are two other hospitals affiliated with the one downtown that are closer to home that my instructor is going to check for me and see if they need anyone. That would be even better.

There's also a lot going on with Nerdstar's job stuff. It would take a flow chart to sort it all out. On top of the re-enlist/don't re-enlist stuff, and the this unit or that unit stuff... Yesterday she got a call to go to an interview for a Postal Inspector job she'd really like to get. She first applied for a job like that about four or so years ago. Getting sent to Iraq put an end to that. But she recently found out that she could get a waiver and not have to start the entire process all over. (The process can take a year or two, with lots of tests and such.) She really wasn't expecting to hear back from them any time soon, so it's cool. All she knows right now is they want her somewhere on Feb. 13th and 14th - Monday she'll find out what city the interview is in. (It won't be anywhere near here.)

What's cool is I'm not at all stressed about any of it. For some reason I really believe this is going to be a good year for Nerdstar and I, especially when it comes to finally ending up in jobs we like. Part of my reasons for doing this phlebotomy class is that there are healthcare jobs everywhere!

Happy New Year

I'd say we're home, but I'm fairly certain neither of us will ever consider anywhere in the Midwest home.

It was one incredibly low key New Year's, but we did manage to make The Kid happy by being there! This morning was all about loading up the car, one last trip to Whataburger and hitting the road.

We drove though Oklahoma today and say a tiny bit of the fires going on there. The sky was definitely smokey all day. About two hundred miles to the north here it had rained and is supposed to rain again tomorrow. I'd say the planet has the same trouble with weather as it has people - distribution.

I'm starting this year pretty optimistic that this year things will finally fall into place. We had this guy read tarrot cards for us in Austin and for me at least he seemed to confirm that. The last card was "the world" - regardless of what all it could mean, I thought it was pretty cool.

So, Happy New Year to all of you. May it bring you love and joy!!

Coming to an End

This year is winding down, coming to an end, finally. Yes, this year was a hell of a lot better than last year. I'm also hopeful that next year will be better than this one.

This week we both travel to see our own families, then we're meeting up in Austin for a few days. I'll be in the Dallas area, and Nerdstar will be in the Houston area if any of our dear readers want to meet up for lunch or something, drop us an email.

I think more than anything I'm looking forward to the new job. Tomorrow I have to go and get a drug test and a TB test. Then Jan. 6 we have an all day orientation where we pay and get our books and the schedule and so forth. Then it's four weeks of classes and then I'm hoping to be actually earning $$ in February.

I know I'm moving into a totally different work environment than others I've been in, and I'm pretty excited about it. When the class is over we have a choice of working in the lab or working as a patience care tech. For now I'm leaning to lab work. Then in a year I might move into being an x-ray tech or something like that. I want to interact with people, just not a whole lot.

Nerdstar's work continues to be up in the air. They extend her orders for 30 days at a time, but her military service ends in March and unless she decides to become an officer and re-enlist, she can't continue her current job. There are advantages and disadvantages to becomming an officer, so it's not an easy decision. Ideally, she'd love to get out of the army and work for a civilian company - she just hasn't had luck with that yet. Maybe the new year will bring a better job for her, too!

Not too bad

About three weeks ago I played poker for a couple of hours one afternoon. I started with $200, at one point had $500, and left with $400. I put the original $200 away and Nerdstar and I promptly lost the other $200 playing craps and blackjack the next day.

We've got plenty of money in the savings, but let the checking get a little low. So we were joking around about me playing poker and winning some grocery money!

That's just what I did. I started with $200 today, too, which was actually the short stack because it was a new table with a $100 - $300 buy in. About three hours later I cashed out with $663. Not too bad for a few hours work.

We split the $60 and another $20 Nerdstar had and again promptly lost in playing craps and blackjack.

We went from the casino to the grocery store and got lots of good stuff to eat this week!

Winning at poker always makes me really happy. It's a game of egos, and I've got a decent one when it comes to playing. Part of what makes winning at poker even more fun that winning at craps is that I'm winning against other players and not "the house." I don't play aggressively like a lot of the men do, and I don't play "for a draw." If I'm putting my money out there, 90% of the time I've got the best cards. But since I don't play the good cards aggressively, they don't usually see it coming. To make it even sweeter, there was a guy with a lot of money and a big mouth at the table today. I'd say at least half of my $400 in winnings was from him - I won $100 in one hand. Sweet!

I'm also smart enough to know that a couple of good days at a poker table doesn't translate into a career playing cards. I sure wish it did though.

Still

It's STILL snowing. It's been snowing for 14 hours straight and is supposed to snow all night.

I'm feeling glad we're on the third floor, I'd hate to have to tunnel my way out.

This and That

I'm not used to this level of cold. No, we're not covered in snow or anything, but the high tomorrow will be 17. I don't think the high in Austin has ever been 17. And if it did get cold, well, you waited a few days and it got warm again. I've always thought I'd prefer cold to hot. That's mostly true. I like not being hot AND sticky. But I'm thinking my ideal weather would be 40% humidity and a temp range of 45 to 75, with a month or so where it's cold and snowy - because if it's going to be cold enough to snow, there should be snow. Any idea where that would be the case?

Not much going on these days. We went to see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang yesterday. It was entertaining. If you're looking to kill a couple of hours I'd recommend it.

Mostly we're counting down days to good food. Nerdstar flies to Houston the 21st and I head to Dallas probably the 23rd. In Houston she'll get her fill of Chinese food - the real stuff. In Dallas I'll finally get my fill of Whataburger!

Then we're going to spend four days in Austin eating until we can't eat anymore I'm sure. I'm sure lunch every day will be at our fav. Tawainese cafe, dinner will be Hoovers, Papadeuxs, Magnolia.

We both agreed we're not much into Christmas this year. Our present to each other is the trip to Austin where we'll get great haircuts and do some shopping. We can't find our massage therapist - which is making us sad.

Zach will be with his mom the week of Christmas, so we'll catch him on the way back from Austin for New Year's.

Lousy Shoppers

Being poor, and having always lived in an apartment, I have decent furniture, but not great.

In the living room... The sofa is wonderfully comfy, and we recently got a slip cover for it, but the slip cover refuses to stay in place and that annoys me to no end. I have a nice, big, solid oak desk that I love. I have a bookshelf that my Dad made for me when I was a kid that I love. I have two other bookshelves I made myself, and an entertainment center I made myself. The worst thing is a toy box my Dad also built for me when I was a little kid. A few years ago I got ahead of our lives and painted it in primary colors, red, blue, green and yellow for the room for the kid we were hoping to have. It currently serves as our coffee table and frankly, is an eyesore.

In the bedroom we have a great bed, but it has no headboard. We have a table my Dad made for me (see the pattern) for one nightstand, and I'm currently using a box on my side of the bed. We have two nice, big chest of drawers that are oak.

We have a dining table that is functional, but not great.

We do have two really cool original art pieces and some other smaller ones. One I would love to use as the color scheme for the living room in the house I hope we buy one day. So in the meantime I painted the entertainment center and two bookshelves colors that match the painting.

So I've been thinking it's time to at least buy some nightstands and a coffee table. There's a huge home furnishing store close to here so that's where we headed last night.

We had no luck finding anything we liked. It felt like we'd have to start over and buy everything for a given room instead of being able to find pieces to go with what we have. That's not something we feel like doing at this point in time.

What I find frustrating with most things I have in mind to go purchase is that they don't make what it is I have in my head. My taste is apparently a lot more simple that most. (That's why I built the bookshelves and such - I want form to follow function. If I had a house with a garage or basement, I'd get the right tools and learn how to make the basic furniture I'd like to see in my house.)

One thing we are going to buy is a Love Sac. They have a store near my parents' house we'll go to during Christmas.

Thanksgiving.

The parents and Zach are on their way, should be here around noon. Nerdstar has a meeting at work at 3 about future funding and orders and such. As soon as she's home we're going to one of the many local casino buffets to eat.

This morning I'm finishing up cleaning the house, although I'm sure it's not clean by Martha standards. And I'm starting some of the Thanksgiving cooking, because we're eating Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night with the family, and then get to be even more grown up and are going over to some friends for Thanksgiving dinner 2 Thanksgiving night.

I'm not sure what makes me feel more grown up, having my folks at my place to eat, or going over to some friends' place.

The other day I spent a lot of time pondering being more thankful. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to do. Life's not perfect, but it could certainly be, and has been, a whole lot worse.

If I don't get the chance before Thursday to log back on...

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Thanks for reading along. I wish you and yours a day of love and good food.

Close Enough

Last Thanksgiving my Mom declared that this year she was NOT cooking. So for a while we considered doing a Vegas Thanksgiving. Then events consipired against that. Darn. Instead, my parents are being very nice and driving up here to the great Midwest with The Kid to see us.

One of my Mom's dearest dreams has been the day that I would have my own house, and preferably a husband and kids in that house, and her and Dad could come to my house for Thanksgiving and not have to do a thing. Well. Here I am a couple of years from 40, and I guess this is close enough.

So Saturday we did the turkey and accessories buying. I almost felt grown up.

Figures

Today was actually the best day I've had at this job. Go figure. I was done by 2:30 and got out of there right at 3:30. (If you ask me I should have been able to leave at 2:30 - they can keep me as late as they want to get stuff done, but when it's done early I can't leave??)

Of course, I decided to go ahead and suffer through next week. Hopefully it'll be decent.

Now that it's all settled, I really am starting to relax a little and looking forward to the holidays. I'm aware that I'm moving into a job path that will probably mean no 8-5, so who knows what next year's holidays will be like time wise.

So here's to a good weekend.

And here's a huge thank you to my own personal Vet - Nerdstar. And my gratitude to all the other military family members who go through hell for their loved ones, and their country.

Worries

One piece of good news first, my second interview is Friday morning. We'll see how it goes.

In the meantime, Nerdstar's job is up in the air. She knew when she took it that the budget ends in late September and there could be a week or two between sets of orders. A few weeks ago the organization said they'd extend everyone's (uniformed military people) orders for 90 days - until the first of the year - while working on the budget for next year. None of those orders have been processed, everyone's current orders end in three days. Our best guess is that all of this money talk in the government about Katrina could be holding up the money for jobs like hers. We can't really imagine they'd close down the entire office, but I guess you never know.

Neither of us really have any strong feelings one way or the other about what happens. If this job really is cancelled, they'll cut her orders and pay for our move back to Austin. Then we'd both have to find jobs there, but that wouldn't be too bad. She's also been in talks with a head hunter for linguists/analysts in the northern Virginia area and those jobs would be really cool and I think we'd both like to live in that area for at least a while, even with the high cost of living and bad traffic.

I mostly feel that her current job will be extended and we'll be here another year or two, but who knows what the next weeks/months hold.

Job stress is never fun. But it's not the only stress.

Nerdstar's grandparents are in Houston, so we're worried about them. Her uncle who looks after them is in Europe this week and we're not sure if he'll be able to get back to Houston before the storm hits. Her aunt and cousins are there, but we're not sure how seriously they're taking the storm. It's just so hard to know what's going to happen, what to prepare for.

Then there's all the ongoing crap with my brother and the custody issues and such. It's too complicated and stupid to really write about, but we worry so much about little Zach. He's such a good kid in spite of having two worthless parents. (yes, I'm including my brother!)

We had plans to meet up with my parents and Zach in Galveston in a couple of weeks. Looks like that plan is out. What a drag.

Bored Again

I called both temp agencies and they got nothing going on. I called the Red Cross about local stuff, they've got tons of new volunteers and might get back to me in a couple of weeks. They have a need for people who can be gone for three weeks down to the coast, but I don't think I want to be away from home that long, although it was very tempting just to have something to do.

Ugh.

I was telling Nerdstar the other night that last week was almost the ideal job. If the Red Cross leader at the DCC had been a good leader, it would have been perfect. I pretty much set my own schedule, got to find an area to help in that I enjoyed and if I'd had all the info necessary would have totally rocked, and I got to help people out.

I've been contemplating a move into the medical industry. But, I'm pretty sure I could never be a nurse, I don't deal well with bodily fluids. I've applied to a program to be a phlebotomist (however you spell it) but haven't heard anything yet and the classes wouldn't start until January. The other area I'd be interested in is being an x-ray tech. There are also classes for that, but they're three times as much. I'd just like to get a simple job at a decent medical facility and then maybe take more classes.

Something has to work out eventually... right?

Day Six

Head, meet brick wall. That's what the life of us Red Cross volunteers here at the Dallas Convention Center feel like. Slowly things get a little better. But only very slowly. There is absolutely no leader at the DCC for Red Cross, most of us do what we can, where we can to help individual evacuees.

And while Houston is getting all the celebrities, we got the Mayor of New Orleans here today. He made a brief political speech, told people in a few months he'd put out a call to have people come back to help rebuild, asked "if the CIA comes after me, ya'll got my back?" answered three softball questions and snuck out the back door.

WTF is he doing touring around anyway - doesn't he still have a city in need??

/end of rant

I'm exhausted. I can't sleep at night because my brain won't turn off.

I wish I had individual stories to tell you. I catch bits and pieces. I've seen families reunited with loved ones. I talked with a woman who had to go to the hospital where he husband was because he had a heart attack, and when she came back to the DCC, all of her stuff was gone. I see people trying, and trying, and trying. And I see buearacrats fucking it up at every turn.

There's lots of good, and lots of bad, as there always will be when dealing with us humans.

Bleh

What do you do when you find apathy is taking over and you've lost your sense of fight to make things better?

Nerdstar hasn't been home from Iraq quite a year yet. This time last year I was watching the Olympics and the political conventions. I think I had decents hopes for the upcoming year. And while the last 11 months have certainly been better than the 11 before that, well, they're certainly not what I hoped for.

You would think that when just about every area of your life sucks it would be easy to make even just one change to make things better. But for reasons that aren't really clear to me, that just isn't the case.

I've tried being patient. I've tried being optimistic. Now I'm just tired of it all.

Back in the saddle again

I have to do something tomorrow I haven't done in close to two years - get up and go to work. It's just a temp job, so we'll see how it goes. I get a little nervous sometimes, but not really. I finally signed up with a different temp agency the week before Monterey and had a feeling they'd be better. The downside is they're in downtown KC and so that's where a lot of the jobs they send people to are. And since KC seems to like to close highways for long periods of time, it makes navigating an already long drive even more of a pain in the ass. I told Nerdstar to keep reminding me I haven't had a long commute to work in over seven years, so I can do it for a while.

We had a good weekend. Yesterday we went to see The 40 Year Old Virgin, Nerdstar's pick. It was pretty funny. Felt like it could have been shorter, but I'm not sure exactly what they could have cut. We were laughing because Nerdstar could have written parts of it. Then we did some clothes shopping for me. Not having worked, or bought new clothes, in two years, I don't have much to wear. I didn't get too many things, I'm waiting until I see how the people working there dress, and if it's going to last anyway.

Today we did our grocery shopping and then went to one of the local casinos. I had really good luck at the craps table. I made over $100 on one roll one time, and $50+ three or four times. We started with $100 each and we left with over $400 total, so not too bad. If the blackjack tables hadn't sucked we would have done even better. But, it was fun, and that's the main thing.

We still aren't crazy about living here, but can't really figure out what would make it better. Nerdstar thinks she can hold out for another year if her current job renews at the end of September (which it almost certainly will), but that one more year is all she can take. It's just such a shame the job isn't at any other location.

Different

I really enjoyed the trip to Monterey, a sunburn and bee sting notwithstanding! Actually, it surprised me how little the bee sting actually hurt. I got stung on the back of my index finger and got the stinger out immediately.

Having lived in the KC area for about four months now, I find that it seems to hypnotize me. I find myself thinking all the time, it's not that bad, it's not that bad. Then we take a trip and the spell breaks. It's not a bad place to live necessarily, lots of people like it here, but it's just not for me.

Ever since high school, I've had these daydreams of living in a cabin, maybe in the mountains, lots of trees, a lake or river nearby. It wasn't until our trips to the Seattle area and now the Monterey area that I've learned I'll take the Northwest coast any day. I don't ever really want to live in CA, but Washington and Oregon draw me in. I was telling Nerdstar I'd consider the middle east coast, Georgia or the Carolinas, but I really don't ever want to have to deal with a hurricane. Then there's the Maine coast, but damn it's cold in the winter! We'll see. At this point in life I figure it's probably twenty years away anyway.

It's amazing how where you live affects so much of how you live. The summers, actually from late May to early October, in Texas were always just too hot for me. Heat gives me headaches. So I became a nightowl to avoid the sun and heat. There was tons to do outdoors in Austin, hiking and bike trails, lakes, Barton Springs, etc. But we never really did any of them. In an area like Monterey, where the temps are much, much cooler, all of that would change. Walks on the beach, bike riding, kayaking, who knows, maybe even surfing and scuba diving.

While we know we're not living in KC forever, we don't know exactly when we'll move again. I've just got to get more determined to make the most of our time here.

Weather

I've heard that the Weather Chanel is the most watched tv chanel. I believe that. I watch it all the time. Austin Time Warner cable had a station that was just the national weather service radar of our area and those creepy automated voices of current conditions. With rain coming and going all the time, it was easier just to look at the radar and see where it was headed for myself instead of having to wait for some local news report. Kansas City Time Warner cable doesn't have the same thing - which is a shame in tornado season.

One of the biggest reasons I didn't totally mind moving out of Austin, or even Texas for that matter, is that I hate hot weather. I'd spend five months of the year indoors because it was usually over 95 with 908% humidity. Yuck!!

So the only thing we're enjoying here in the midwest is the weather. There was a real spring here. In Austin we'd go from a mild winter in February, temps from 50 to 70, to a summer by the middle of May that doesn't end until the end of October. The poor kids in Halloween costumes are usually all hot and sweaty by the time they're done trick or treating.

Today was just about my ideal weather day. The winds shifted to being out of the north and brought a nice rainy day before driving out the heat. It's much, much nicer to have it be 90 outside with 35% humidity and 5-10 mph winds from the north than for it to be 85 with 98% humidty and 5-10 mph winds straight up from the gulf!

And while I know Summer isn't over yet, today made me all ready for Fall!

Family

I was never one to keep up with the extended family. Heck, there were several years I would have been more than happy to not keep up with my immediate family. My friends became my family and I thought that was for the better.

But over the past few years with my friendships having mostly fallen by the wayside, and with Zachary being around, I've shifted back to my family being important to me.

So this weekend I found myself actually enjoying the reunion. My father's mom is my only living grandparent. She's the sweetest woman, very devout in her faith, as is about half of the family. Over 23 years she had six kids, five boys and then finally a girl. My father and most of his brothers have been married to the same woman for twenty or thirty years. Their kids, well, the track record starts to slip.

It was neat to see Grandma in pictures with her kids, then with all the grandkids, and then all the great-grandkids. To see all of these people running around because of this woman.

It doesn't look like I'll have kids of my own. I think that's part of why I love Zach so much - he looks and acts enough like me that any time he and I are out somewhere everyone assumes he's mine. So it makes me a little sad to think that there won't come a time in forty or fifty years that I'll be in a room with all these people who are my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren by blood.

(I have no doubt I'll love the children Nerdstar and I have together as if they were my blood, but...)

Ani has a lyric about having strangers for ancestors, strangers for great grandchildren that I think about on occasion. I try to preserve as much of my letters and writings and pictures to one day pass down to coming generations, but still, they won't know me.

Thursday

Wow, it's been pouring down rain with lots of lightning and thunder since about 4 am. Thankfully it's all supposed to clear out before tomorrow. We're getting up early and hitting the road again. We can't wait to spend time with Zach, although with all the stress my family is under, I don't expect this trip to be tons of fun.

There's really not much else going on. I could write about our property rights devolving into those of China, but why. I could write about Bush's speech, but Nerdstar wrote about it for us.

My biggest excitement these days is trying to grow things from seeds. I used one of the little tomatos from my plant to get some of the seeds and planted them in a cup. They've broken thru the soil and are on their way. Although, the original plant is now about four feet tall and I'm not sure we really need another one. Tuesday I took seeds from a Nerdstar favorite - Japanese Cucumbers - and planted them in some dirt. And decided to try to grow a little limon tree and planted some lemon seeds. I figure if they grow - fantastic, if not, nothing lost. But I do find it really cool to see the little seeds become growing plants!

All About the Food

Since Nerdstar hasn't bothered to write about her traveling food, I guess I'll have to get it started. As you know, we both feel we've been sentenced to culinary hell since we've moved up here to the Midwest. The dinner we had the other night was the worst I've had at a restaurant. We went to Copeland's hoping for some decent seafood, we checked the menu out online and thought - sounds nice. It just wasn't. Hell, Long John Silver's has better seafood. We decided not to complain to management, instead just resolved we'd never go back.

Fast foward to the weekend and Nerdstar going to Houston to visit the grandparents. She threw some undies, a change of clothes, a book and some lotions into a backpack and was off. She packed so little in order to leave room in the bag to bring home goodies from the local Chinese stores. Not only did she fill up that bag, she also filled a paper grocery bag and brought it on the plane. The TSA people just laughed when she told them there's no good food in KC.

Now if I can just get her to list all the stuff she brought back...

Thankfully we know we're going to eat really well when visiting her sister who lives near Chicago, and we're trying to decide between Salt Grass Steak House and Pappadeux's to take my folks to when we head to Dallas.

so tired

I'm so tired of battling this damn depression. So tired of feeling like a complete loser. So tired of second guessing every decision I've made for the past few years. So tired of believing this life just isn't ever going to be worth living. It's fucking exhausting.

Frustrating

Another long weekend that was both good and bad, and lots and lots of rain.

Saturday morning my mother called all upset. My first thought was that something was wrong with my dad's health. Fortunately it wasn't that. But, my brother's ex wife is being a complete cunt. (Sorry, I never use that word, but it works this time.) For reasons that are beyond our ability to even guess at, she's trying to make my brother's life hell. We're praying it doesn't work. After she abandoned my nephew when he was a few months old, my brother was gracious when she showed back up and wanted at least partial custody. He should have cut her off at the knees then. Then when it finally went to court, a judge decided that they should both have him every other week. Fine. The third week in she picked him up Friday night and brought him back Saturday and went back to picking him up every other weekend, not week. Again, he should have gone to court that week and formalized it all. Several months later she decided she wanted Zach every other week again. WTF? The only way she is able to keep him at all is because the older couple she lives with mostly takes care of him. (No, they are not her relatives, we don't know how she met them, but they are good with Zach.)

Now she's causing more trouble. It's so frustrating being so powerless. Worst case scenario is she gets total custody of Zach, then my parents would step in and fight for custody of him or at a minimum, grandparents' rights.

We know that she really doesn't want Zach. What kind of an upbringing would he have with her? He hates having to go with her every other week. And as stubborn as he is, I can't imagine trying to keep him somewhere he doesn't want to be, or keeping him from his granny.

I'd be more optimistic, but you just never know what the hell a judge and or jury will decide when it comes to kids.

Anyway. Add to that that I didn't get either of the two jobs I was hoping would work out, and then lunch with Nerdstar's roommate from Iraq, and it wasn't all fun and games this weekend.

Good weekend

It's been a nice, quiet weekend. I don't even remember Friday night. Oh yeah, after asking Nerdstar, we went to try a new restaurant. It was decent. But I can't tell you how much we really, really miss the food in Austin.

Yesterday we went to watch the Texas Rangers beat the KC Royals. It was a good, high scoring game. Like Nerdstar said, it's not the best stadium ever, but it was nice enough. There was a group of guys in their mid 20s who were obnoxious asses, but that can happen anywhere.

Other than that we watched a huge storm blow in and thru. I can imagine the storms being scary if you moved here from somewhere that doesn't get huge thunderstorms with 70 mph winds and hail, but I lived thru the same thing my whole life in Texas. As long as the hail isn't bigger than pea sized things are usually fine.

We've also been watching UT's women's softball team in the women's college world series. If you ask me they're the best looking team! At the beginning of the games they have the part where they have the video of each player saying her name and where she's from and some other little tidbit. I laughed and told Nerdstar it'd be hysterical just once to hear one say "My name is Blondie, I'm from Austin, and I have a great collection of vibrators." Or, "My name is Red, I'm from Houston, my favorite bong is the one I made myself back in high school."

I've got a second interview sometime this week for two different jobs. They both have their pros and cons, sort of waiting to see what works out for either of them.

Thanks

I've been going through all of my old emails on Netzero trying to get it all cleaned out so I can cancel my account with them.

It's weird and interesting and sometimes even heartening to read through emails from the past couple of years.

I don't know how many of you dear readers are still around, but I want to say a very heartfelt thanks to all the people who read along and emailed and supported Nerdstar and I during her deployment. If we used to email on a more regular basis and lost touch, let me say I'm sorry that happened. You'd think with all the time I've had on my hands the past two years, I'd be better at something like staying in touch. But it seems I let the stress of it all get the better of my too often.

I sometimes read an old email and think, hmmm... should I email them and say Hi? And I don't. Maybe I shouldn't be getting better at letting people go.

How to not be out?

I had another job interview today. I think it went well. It's a family owned business that's been in operation over 50 years. The dress code was definitely casual. I don't know what the pay would be yet, the boss man is still figuring out the exact project and stuff I think. The only problem I see is that it's just about an hour commute each way. And that's not twenty miles taking fifty minutes because of red lights. It's at least forty miles of almost all highway taking that long. I'm not sure what my price would be for two hours on the highway every day. So we'll see what happens next.

But here's what I'm really writing about. For the life of me I have yet to figure out how to not "out" myself in job interviews and such without either outright lying or being evasive to the point of weird. It's not that I mind being out. I always have been. But there's a timing to getting to know someone and "coming out" to them. A job interview isn't exactly ideal to me.

So... how do I answer "How did you end up in Platte City?" "Um, the military. Not that I'm in the military, but my girlfriend is." "Why did you quit your last job and why haven't you worked since then?" "Well, they were being assholes and I was stressed out about my girlfriend being sent to Iraq. I was too worried to look for a serious job and it was likely we'd be moving once she came home anyway?" Yeah, that's the answers I can use - HA!

It's not like the questions people ask are unreasonable, or even out of the ordinary. I'd ask someone who'd just moved here the same sorts of questions. It's just that all of the reasons I've done what I've done for the past couple of years pretty much involve my life with Nerdstar, and I don't know how to give any other answers without lying.

Even when I do try to give sort of vague answers, well, the lies just become implied information. You know, leaving out gender and pronouns and using the word "spouse". Besides, how can I have a spouse when I've marked Single on all of the paperwork? It's all so awkward. Not to mention once you start down that road, it's almost impossible to get off it.

Yet I'm just not comfortable enough here in the midwest to just be open and honest.

This thing called job hunting

Other than my poor Nerdstar being sick, I think things are going a little better this week. We're slowly adjusting to - if not actually enjoying - life in the midwest.

I'm trying to motivate myself to try this thing called "looking for a job" and not having much luck.

I had an interview the other day for a job I'm probably overqualified for, and didn't get hired. That's ok. The best thing about it was that it was less than a five minute drive to the location. Part of what makes it hard to look for/find a job is that even after having all this time on my hands to figure it out, I still have no clue what I want to do. Well, there are a couple of things I want to do, but they're not really options at this time - poker and being a mom. So when I'm reading job descriptions there's a complete lack of enthusiasm for any of them.

I'm just not sure how to find a job in a small town. I keep checking the local little papers. No luck there so far. And honestly, I'd be scared to work with some of the people I've seen when filling out applications so far. I'm on Career Builder and Monster - but those jobs would be over in Kansas City, and probably at least a 45 minute commute, which doesn't thrill me.

If nothing comes up in the next couple of weeks, I'll look into volunteering at one of the local hospitals.

Wild Kingdom Porn

After a week of rain, we've had a beautiful weekend weather wise. Yesterday we got Nerdstar a bike rack and rode around the post for a while. Then we grabbed an early dinner and came home and watched movies.

Today we headed over to the Kansas City Zoo. It's a big zoo, really pretty, has a great train and tram to get around. It just doesn't have very many animals.

Fortunately, I think, the lions certainly made it worth the trip and the price of admission! I had just told Nerdstar that we should have come earlier in the spring for mating season. A few minutes later, we rounded the path and came up to the area to see the lions. There were two females lying on one rock, and one on the other. The male was out in the grass looking bored. Then he got up and walked over to the rock where the single female was. When he licked her butt I thought, oh my. The next thing we knew it was sex time! It was funny because there were about twelve adults and fifteen kids in the area watching.

It lasted maybe twenty seconds. Then they both looked bored again. He kept standing there, then they did it again!

I think I'm traumatized! But, of course, I took pics :-) (You have to scroll down for the ones of the lions.)

Where in the World?

Last night over dinner, Nerdstar asked me if I could go anywhere in the world, what country would I go to for breakfast, for lunch, and for dinner.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her I didn't see any need to leave the US! Even for ethnic foods. Further, for breakfast I said that I've yet to find a restaurant that can make french toast I like better than my mom's, and that I can make pancakes and biscuts better than most places. So for breakfast, well, I could just stay home. Then we came back to the fact that really, Austin has all the best places we've been to eat even with our extensive traveling. (We know there are higher class places to eat and such, but for what we like to eat, Austin's the best.)

(updated) Ok, so I'd make my own breakfast - buttermilk biscuts, scrambled eggs and bacon. Let's see. Lunch. I'd go with CoCo's, a little Twainese cafe for their fried chicken with rice and onion pie. Then dinner would still be Saltgrass Steakhouse for steak and shrimps and their yummy Shiner Bock beer bread. And desert - well, again, I'd make my own. Homemade vanilla ice cream over my from scratch chocolate cake!

Nerdstar said she'd go to China for breakfast - but the food she described didn't sound like breakfast to me! She'd come back to the US for a burger for lunch. Off to Iraq/Turkey for a midafternoon snack. And probably back to China for dinner.

Other than Austin, if she had to pick a city for all her eating, it'd be NYC.

So, where would you go? And if you know, what specifically would you eat for each meal?

Bleh

We had a pretty quiet weekend. We thought it would be fun to go watch UT men's baseball play KU. Tickets were only $6 each, and it was just about an hour drive. It was fun. Something to do. And there was funnel cake involved.

I think it's safe to say that Nerdstar and I really aren't enjoying living here. We both feel like aliens or we're in the Twilight Zone. And it's just hard to express and explain why, because there's not necessarily anything concrete behind the feelings.

And we're having problems between us. Sometimes I'd like to write more about them here, but it just seems like it'd be too hard to really write about all the intricate details. There's just no way to explain it all. But moving up here hasn't turned out to be the great new beginning we were looking forward to. Was it a mistake to take the job up here? I don't think so. We just couldn't have imagined how weird we'd feel living up here. Unfortunately, that and other things are making us feel further apart instead of closer together. Is it just a long rough patch to get thru? Maybe. Hopefully.

More Poker

I wasn't going to play again until Friday, but, I was too bored. Nerdstar wants to go bike riding with the group in Leavenworth Friday after work, so I figured I'd go play poker then. I know that at some time I'm going to have a losing session. All I can do when that happens is try to limit the losses as much as possible. I figured, well, I'll probably lose today, but oh well, maybe then I'll do better Friday.

I took $200 to buy in with, although I was hoping the $100 table would be operating. It wasn't. They opened a table where you could buy in for anywhere between $100 and $300. Fine. There were only about seven of us, a full table has ten players. The more players the better because you post blinds less often.

I didn't catch many cards. Meaning the two cards you start with usually sucked for me and in addition, the cards that the players shared didn't match the sucky cards in my hand. I was never down very much, I think I got as low as $150 and was content to come home with about $100 of my original $200. I did catch a couple of hands finally, got up to $270 or so. I let the dealer button go around the table again and kept getting hands like 7/3 and 6/10 - nothing!

So I took my $55 winnings and cashed out. On Wednesdays and Sundays they're also giving away a free movie rental from Blockbuster and a 12 pack of Coke.

I think I've said before that poker seems to be the only thing in life I'm patient at. And it's a good thing. And I'm not greedy when I play. I don't try to take out other players, or take all their chips. I'm happy with a $50 pot or a $200 pot. I'd love to be winning more $$, but I'm content to win any at all for now. If I can maintain this level of consistency in playing, I'll move up to bigger stakes eventually.

Weekend Highlights

It wasn't a particularly exciting weekend. We're really, really missing our favorite eateries in Austin, almost to the point of tears!! We're trying to find places we like around here, but a lot of places we've seen ads for that might be decent are a minimum of a 45 minute drive.

The upside is that we're still cooking a lot more. If we can just get quality to match quantity, we'll be set.

I think we're both still having trouble adjusting to being here. I know for me it feels like I've been shipped to the middle of the twilight zone. Nerdstar and I keep joking that even I'm not white enough to fit in around this part of the country. I'm applying for jobs but not hearing anything back. I'm missing my poker buddies, people to just hang with a couple of times a week to chat.

My highlight of the weekend was playing poker yesterday afternoon. I bought in for $180 at a no-limit table with $2/$5 blinds. Just over two hours later I cashed out $407. At one point I had just under $500, held to $450 for a while, but was down to $407 when convinced my luck had truly run out. That $180 was from what I won in the tournament last week, so really, I've turned $50 into $407. Not bad. I'm erring on the cautious side and not playing very often. I'm trying to build up a "bank" to play with so when I do have a losing day, I'll still have money I've previously won to play with.

Nerdstar's highlight of the weekend was heading about an hour or so down the road to go see a bike race. I really wanted to go with her, but was having tummy troubles. Nerdstar's not thinking she's competitive enough to really get into racing, but I think she might eventually enter some. Me, well, I'm behind her in riding time, and contrary to reports of Kansas being flat, the entire area we live in is nothing but hills, which makes it hard for a beginning, terribly out of shape rider to get started.

Cooking and Food Blogs

The pizza dough turned out better than expected. As far as I can recall, I've never made any type of dough before. I do love to bake though. It turns out that the recipe made about twice as much as we actually needed for a pizza just for us, so it was one massive pizza dough! But, it was simple and tasty.

It really is different, and a little difficult, to find something to cook for dinner five or six nights a week when you've been so used to eating out. So far I'm mostly enjoying the challenge. Poor Nerdstar's food choices have gotten somewhat limited though. Hopefully on weekends we will go find foreign cuisine restaurants for her.

On that thought, she sent me a link to the neatest blog I've ran across in a while, Noodle Pie. I'd start with the about page and read every word on the site. Can't wait to check out the blogroll, too,

She Who Eats has some beautiful pics of food in Japan and some decent writing.

One thing I've learned being with Nerdstar is that my taste buds are definitely white. Just as my mouth doesn't seem to be able to adjust to make the sounds used when speaking Manderin, it doesn't adjust well to the different flavors used in asian cooking.

Long Weekend

It was a long weekend, but mostly in a good way. Friday night I decided to cook Nerdstar some dinner and got her some strawberries. A nice quiet night at home together sounded like just what we both needed after the stress of last week.

Saturday it was wonderful to get to sleep in. We went to see Kung Fu Hustle, it was a blast. There's a nice, big movie theater not too far down the highway, and there weren't too many people there Saturday morning. Then we spent an hour or so at Walmart. It felt more like the twilight zone. The people there were very white, and no one looked like they were having any fun. Nerdstar laughs at me for being racist against white people! The word I finally realized describes most people I observe around here is drudgery. Maybe they save all their fun and frivolity for being at home.

Saturday night we had a nice heart to heart. Nerdstar somehow managed to acquire my brain while being away dealing with her sick grandpa and family. She said things that I've had in my brain for years. Ideas like thinking a week or two of solitude in a mountain cabin might just be heaven. Ideas about how hard it is to think anything in life is worthwhile when you see that one day it ends for all of us.

Sunday her roommate from Iraq had to pick some stuff up at Leavenworth, so we all went out to lunch. That was cool. It's weird meeting someone I've heard so much about and trying to fit that with the actual person sitting across the table. Does that make sense?

So now it's a new week. It's cold and rainy today. I'm working on being a good wife (at least until I can find some sort of job) and so I did the laundry and went to the grocery store and am going to attempt to make a pizza dough so we can make our own pizza tonight.

This and That

Not a hell of a lot going on here. I got everything unpacked except a box of files that needs to be put in the desk drawer. Well, and there's a big pile of clothes on the bedroom floor I don't feel like sorting thru and putting up. I think we lost a couple of things in the move, a few kitchen things, and several pairs of my shoes. The funny thing about that is that Nerdstar probably has 25 pairs of shoes, whittled down from 40 when she first got back from Iraq. Were any of hers lost? Nope, just mine. Hopefully I'm just overlooking them somewhere. And they weren't my favorite shoes, but still, I liked them and don't have much luck finding new shoes I like these days.

See, this is why I'm not posting much. It bores me as much to write it as it does you to read it. Which is probably why my sitemeter numbers steadily decline.

One bright spot this week. I entered my first little poker tournament here Monday afternoon. It cost $50 to enter and there were about 25 of us. I was the only woman. I came in 3rd which won me $188. Not too bad. I got really lucky at the times I needed it. Well, I actually had to get brave and make some all-in moves when I thought I had the guy beat, and I always did.

I'm also having trouble with MT lately. It saves the post after I write it, but then my website is sometimes totally blank. I have to rebuild the site a few times for it to all show up again. I don't know why it's doing this, and it makes it frustrating to write new posts.

Grandpa is still hanging in there. Looks like he'll be in the ICU for the forseeable future, but he's hanging tough. Nerdstar is coming home late tonight, we're both more than ready for snuggles.

Hard

Well, the will to live is an amazing thing. Grandpa is hanging in there. The doctors aren't sure exactly what's wrong, but his will is strong.

Me, well... the area we moved to is certainly pretty enough, but... I'm not sure I'm comfortable here. I think the problem is going to be me finding a job. We live in a small city, with another small city close by. Not much in the way of jobs it seems. And, if there were, well, frankly it appears I'd be working with small town people. Not sure how that would go. But, I really don't want an hour each way commute.

And I'm not sure how safe I feel around red neck young men. And I've never not felt safe before. Hopefully I'm just being paranoid.

It's been a hard couple of days. I'm sad about grandpa. I miss Nerdstar - a week into this new home and she's out of town. It's just hard not letting the sadness set in.

One day at a time... one day at a time...

Grandpa

Well, I thought things were going well. Nerdstar wrote the other day about her family and grandparents, and how she's worried about her grandpa in particular. Well, yesterday his health took a turn for the worse. He spent a week in the hospital, then a week at home, no one really sure exactly what's wrong with him. Then yesterday evening his blood pressure dropped and he was taken back to the hospital. The family thinks he's close to dying. So, Nerdstar and her sister both got early morning flights to Houston this morning.

For the six years Nerdstar and I have been together, I've dreaded nothing as much as I dread her grandparents dying. And it's just no consolation that they've led good, long lives well into their late 80s. And while grandpa could pull thru again, it just doesn't seem he's got a lot of life left. Then we worry about grandma. The grandparents still maintain their own home, and while grandma could move in with anyone in the famiy, she's going to be devastated without grandpa and then to have to move out of her home... sigh.

We'd appreciate your prayers for her family.

Things are Good

This is our fifth day here, but it seems like longer. I think that's a good thing. I'd say I'm about 85% unpacked. After I finish unpacking another four boxes of books and putting them all on the shelves in the right order, then it's pretty much down to all the little things and finding places for them.

Where we're living is nice and quiet. I like that. We were worried that after living in the duplex that was so quiet we'd end up in an apartment complex that was loud. The reason we're on the third floor is because I don't like to hear people walking on the ceiling.

The city we're actually living in is pretty small. Monday morning we went to the country cafe down the street. It was like walking into small town Texas. (Yes, I know, small towns are small towns everywhere.) Then Monday evening we drove about ten minutes down the highway to the shopping centers there. The contrast was comical.

I've been interested in living in a small(er) town for a while now. As because the "big city" is so close, this is really nice.

Yesterday I stopped by a branch of my car insurance offices to see about changing my policies. I didn't end up changing them yet, but I did spend the next three hours talking with the woman working there. It was kinda cool. Then tonight I think Nerdstar's bicycle group is riding to the pizza place and I'll get to meet them.

Things are good.

This and That

Wow, the weather has been really great this week. We rode the motorcycle to run errands yesterday and I got a little sunburned on my arms. I'm glad spring is here, but I must admit I'm not always happy to hear the birds so early in the morning!

We still don't have a definite date for the movers picking up our stuff. We decided to use the military movers because although it'll take a little longer, it's less of a hassle. We do know we've got at least until next Friday in Austin. Which is good, we're packing pretty darn slowly!

But, we're also eating well and having some fun.

Last night I played in another big tournament of poker here in town. It was the top 75 or so players from the past two or three months that I've been playing with. I barely made the cut! So I was happy to make it to the final sixteen players. I would have liked to have won, the prize was a 42 inch tv, but oh well. At least a girl won the whole thing! It's been a lot of fun playing here in Austin, and I've met a lot of cool people. I'm going to miss it! Hopefully, I've gotten my game good enough to maybe play for some $$ at the casino up in Kansas City sometimes.

Winding Down

I think the weight of the last year and a half is finally starting to lift. Two more days of this long, hard separation. Thursday afternoon I fly up to Kansas. Friday we're set to sign a lease on an apartment. I guess that's the beginning of the next phase of our lives together.

I used to be someone who was obsessed with making sense of the past and how it lead to the here and now. Maybe these past two years have cured me of that. Because really, I pretty much just want them behind me.

Yes, there are a couple of good things to come out of this time in my life. But honestly, for the most part, it sucked, and I sucked. At least I don't have any delusions about my strengths, my weaknesses were much more evident.

Hmmm... this sounds like the late night rambling that it is.

My point is more that I'm hopeful this move truly marks a new start for the both of us.

Life as a military wife continues

Just the existance of this article in the Army Times is heartening. Gays in the military: It’s a question of liberty

As I stated a few times while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I really never thought I'd end up being a military wife. We talked sometimes about her being gay and in the Army, but it just wasn't an issue. We both planned on her being out of the military altogether this coming May. Then this opportunity to do linguist work came thru and is just too good to pass up.

We've talked about how our relationship and her new career choice might intersect. Hell, we try to just imagine life in Kansas as a couple. Maybe we'll both have to be a little less "out." It's hard for me to really know or imagine how life will be up there. Maybe we're both being naive and optimistic, but we don't see any major changes to the way we live our lives. She's not one to really share a lot of life's details with co-workers anyway. Me, well, to know me at all is to know my life story. Neither of us are the type to put up rainbow stickers and be advocates. But we also haven't ever been in a situation where anyone cared that we were a couple.

I'm not being very coherent in this post. It's something I think we're just planning on seeing how it goes. I know a lot of the time that everyone plays don't ask/don't tell, not just the military.

Anyway. One more week of this suck-ass life of being apart.

Misfit

In The Grace Lee Project, a couple of the Grace Lee's are Christians, one is a pastor's wife. It's always interesting getting the reaction of typically liberal audiences to such people/characters. It got me to thinking a little bit about being a misfit.

I'm a Christian who can't stand to set foot in a church.
I'm a lesbian who generally loathes pride parades and gay bars.
I'm a motorcycle rider who's a little scared walking into biker bars.
I'm a military wife who technically isn't.

And so on. Most of the time I'm totally unaware of just how diverse my life is. I look and feel like the girl next door, the pudgy one, not the fantasy one.

Ani

One of the biggest transformations my life has been thru a started when a friend and I went up to her workplace one night to check out this new thing called the internet. She worked for National Instruments and had top of the line pc and mac on her desk. We tried doing searches for things we were intersted in, but the web pages were either incomplete or nonexistant. I wasn't impressed.

Then, she explained chat rooms to me. Like the decision to move to Austin, there's no way to know just how different my life would be if she hadn't told me about them. I was too poor to buy a new computer, this was in my plasma donating days. But, this guy I was working with at a temp job had a computer he had built and would sell to me for $100. I think it cost another $30 for a modem. Of course, next came the free AOL cd and I was off and running.

Losing my religion, finding other lesbians online and the total upheavel both brought happened as I was getting close to turning 30.

One of the younger lesbians I met in a chatroom sent me a mix tape (it wasn't even a cd, it was a cassette) that had three Ani songs on it. I'm pretty sure two of them were Shameless and the live version of Overlap. I was hooked. Within two or three weeks I had at least five of her cds. I'd never heard anyone like her. Her voice and her guitar - wow.

My newfound love of Ani was the bridge into the most intense relationships I've ever had. We were both searching for our own place in the world, our own strength. Her impact on me was like a tornado blowing thru. It took a few years to sort out the remains, to sort out what was really me, and what was just debris.

Living in Clip is still the best cd I've ever heard. I didn't know it would be the turning point in her music it turned out to be. Somewhere between the fame, getting older, getting married and then divorced, her music started reflecting more resignation than fight. Then 9/11 happened and my political views went one way, and her's went the other.

I wrote just about this time last year that I got to hear Ani speak at SXSW and I got to show her my "Joyful Girl" tattoo and tell her I think she's gotten vague. Even though she hadn't been my hero for a few years, it was still really emotional to actually talk to her and hug her - to reflect on all the online chats she'd been playing in the background thru, all the lyrics bantered back and forth between the tornado and I.

I keep checking out her new cds to see if she's found her strength, her joy again. And maybe she's getting closer. But I'm not hearing it yet on Knuckle Down.

"you want me
to tell you a story
but i am weary
of entertaining
i'll have more to say when i'm happy
'course, then i'll have less to sing"

Here's hoping she finds happiness soon.

Rainy Sunday

You can blame my lack of posting on the weather. I don't know who made Austin a rain forrest, but they really should have at least sent out notices first! I don't think we've seen the sun all week. And cold and wet naturally leads to sickness.

Worse than being sick is missing my girl. One week down, three more to go and that should be the end of all this being apart madness. I think even Ramen is getting depressed, he spends most of his time in bed.

Thanfully Michele finds fantastic entertaining links so I don't have to. These two will be even better if you run across this Monday morning at work!

Bunny Suicides

BadDay Studio - Motivation

Smiles

This article is about the difference in types of smiles, particularly British vs. American. But it was the last two paragraphs that really caught my attention.

The power behind the smile may also be more potent than anybody has previously realised: Keltner recently released a study of photographs of women in college yearbooks dating back to the 1960s in which he separated the Duchenne smilers from the artfully posed.

Researchers then tracked the women down and found that those who had smiled most happily at college overwhelmingly tended to have had the happiest lives since they had graduated. “It’s a virtuous circle,” Keltner concluded. “Happy smiley people cheer others up around them, which in turn makes them more stable and less prone to depression or divorce than those who faked it in their yearbooks.”

The topic of humor and making people laugh has still been wandering around my brain.

I don't think anyone would call me a "happy smiley person". Smart and serious are adjectives more commonly used. But for as long as I can remember, one thing I've always enjoyed more than anything else is making other people laugh. I wasn't the class clown, but those two or three people sitting next to me in class, from elementary school thru college, they always told me at the end of the class how much more fun I had made it, or how funny I was.

So much of my humor and trying to entertain others stems simply from the fact that I'm so easily bored and my brain very early on learned how to entertain itself. Naturally, if I'm bored I assume those in close proximity to me are as well, so I simply have to share my self amusing thoughts with them. No, this never went over well with teachers and professors, or even bosses holding meetings.

Last Sunday night my fight from Denver to Austin was delayed about thirty minutes. I had my ipod on, but when a lady sat down next to me and asked if I was going to Austin, I turned it down and we started talking. I spent the next fifteen or so minutes making her laugh with silly observations about the airline trying to find a temporary crew to help us board the plane because our "real" crew was delayed, or about life in Austin, or my pets. Making her laugh, and hopefully making her delay just a little easier, was something that made me happy.

No real point here, just some thoughts.

One of those nights

Tonight is one of those nights where my soul longs for so much, and my heart wishes for so much, and I ache inside. My mind searches and searches for answers to unanswerable riddles. And there just aren't the right words to put it into.

Saying Goodbye

It's a little hard saying a long goodbye to Austin. Knowing I've got two more months there makes it bittersweet to drive around or eat at our favorite restaurants.

I moved to Austin ten years ago. I totally believe my life would be very different if I hadn't. If I'd stayed in the Dallas area I'd most likely have been teaching for ten years now. But there was something so enticing about Austin when I'd come down for weekends that I couldn't resist moving here when I had the chance. A friend from college had ended up in Austin and was attending the church that we'd come down and visited on weekends. Her dad had finally made a lot of money, and she had this huge two bedroom loft downtown - she offered to let me stay with her until I could get on my feet. The living situation didn't end up being so great, but it got me there. The church situation didn't last very long either. Within a year that church fell apart and ceased to exist. For maybe another year some of us met at this family's house. I tried one other church before giving up altogether.

I'm often tempted to view the last ten years as a total waste. I haven't achieved a damn thing in my view. My career, no house, no kids. That would all be fine if I were turning 27 next month instead of 37. So I can't say Austin has been good to me. But it's always sad to say goodbye to anything that's been a part of your life for ten years.

Nerdstar has asked if I think we'll go back and visit Austin. I've told her I don't really think so. Neither of us have family there. And it's time to move on.

She's started collecting t-shirts from some of our favorite places. In the next six to eight weeks, we'll go to the park, eat at all our favorite places, and call it done.

Long Drive

Yesterday was a long day. Our sleep schedule has been totally out of whack. We usually fall asleep long after midnight and get up between 10 and noon. My class ran late Tuesday night, I got home close to 11 pm, then we were both hungry, and then we couldn't sleep. That didn't stop the alarm from going off about 6 am. We dropped Ramen off at the kennel at 7:30 and hit the road to Fort Leavenworth. It took us the entire 12 hours yesterday.

We were both tired during the drive and didn't talk much, we mostly surfed all of the channels on XM. I think I still prefer my ipod. I wish there was a lot of music out there I hadn't heard yet and was pleasantly surprised by, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I keep telling Nerdstar I wish there would be a new kind of music, it'd have the lyric writing quality of country and have the energy of fun dance music, but not make you feel like you're on speed.

After we finally got settled into bed last night we got to talking. We both have worries about moving up here, and we still haven't cemented any decisions on plans for the next nine to twelve months. I'm feeling pretty calm about it all though.

Nervous Wreck

It's so weird being nervous about something. I don't usually care enough about things to get nervous. Or sometimes my inflated ego takes over and I don't get nervous. But for the past week I have been obsessed and nervous. And I volunteered for the stupid thing making me this way.

I've always been told I've got a nice phone voice. And at night when Nerdstar and I are talking and joking around in bed I do a few silly voices of different characters. So when the woman heading up the oral history project for Habitat that I worked on mentioned a voice over class, I thought, way cool! (Voice over work is the announcer and character voices in radio and tv and the narrator in documentaries and such.)

The class has met from 6 to 10 pm for the four Tuesday nights of this month. Tonight's the last class. The last class is set up as an audition. We show up early, get a copy of whatever script we're going to do, mark it up, and then do a couple of takes on it. When we've all finished she's going to critique us and tell us if she'd call us back or hire us or if we should never darken the doors of a recording studio again.

What's been hard for me is that I can nail all of the pre-recording work, flesh out the character, mark up the copy with the right emphasis and such. But I just can't get what I hear in my head out of my voice. When I hear the playbacks I cringe.

What's made this week even more nerve wracking is that last week when the instructor picked a script for each of us and really nit-picked it, she gave me one that was really against my natural tendencies, but she gave the other people in the class scripts that played to their natural tendancies. So I've mostly blown off the homework and fretted over why she's messing with me! The homework was to do that script 3 times a day all week and then pick the best one to playback tonight. I did a couple of takes of it the other night. In my favorite I do it in a complete hick accent just to have some fun with it. I haven't recorded a better one, but I'm not sure my instructor would be amused.

Nerdstar thinks I'm totally overthinking the whole thing. I'm sure she's right. I worry a lot about what the instructor is thinking. She's very well connected in this industry, and I'd just hate to make a bad impression - mostly by coming across as if I'm not taking it seriously - on the off chance I have even a little more aptitude for this than I think I do right now.

Part of my nervousness is that I just don't want to feel like I've failed at something else.

In about seven hours it'll be over.

UPDATE:

Class went well. There was another snaffu at the very beginning. The instructor handed out the scripts, and told the other two women they were a team, and the other two men they were a team, and didn't say anything when she handed me mine. It was a three person script, but I just assumed I'd just be doing my lines from it alone. After the two men go into the studio she calls my name and says they're waiting on me... huh? So while I had prepared my part, I didn't get to do it with my partner. So when part of the critique was that there was no connection between us, I thought, well, duh.

After we were all finished she said she wouldn't have hired any of us, but might have called back a couple of the others. No big surprise. The rest of the class was all about the next steps of pursuring this as a career.

The next step for me? A couple of acting classes. Then if they went well, a demo tape. Will I pursue acting classes up in Kansas? Hard to say. But I'm not ruling it out. They might be good for me. Get me out of my head. Might or might not help my self confidence. Never know what the future holds.

Rainy Weekend

It's been a long week. Wednesday we took Zach back home, so it was a drive to Dallas and back. Thursday we spent getting XM for Nerdstar's new car and we put new speakers in mine. Yesterday we got a really plush matress cover for the new bed. I think we've spent enough money for a while.

Just run of the mill life for a few more days.

I posted some pics from when we took Zach to Zilker park. He's so cute!! It was funny, we were in the car and I told him I loved him a whole lot. There was this pause, and then totally deadpan he said, "and I love you a little bit." HA! We cracked up.

That New Car Smell

After much family drama and trails and tribulations, Nerdstar is finally coming back home today - with a new car! She got a brand new Toyota Matrix.

As long as we've been together, she's had bad luck with cars. She had a really nice Corolla that got wrecked by a truck. Then she got an S 10 that she really liked that turned out to be a lemon. After that was another little Toyota. It's not a bad little car, it's just older and has more miles than she'd like.

She's been looking at Chevy Trail Blaizers. When she left for Houston I told her she'd probably come home with a new car, but she wasn't sure. We were hoping her grandpa would help with the downpayment or something like he's done in the past. That's where the drama comes in - which I'll leave for her to write about if she so chooses.

I'm proud of her, her and her sister negotiated a decent deal on a nice car that she's happy with. She's got 30 days to change her mind. The only thing it didn't have that she wanted was satellite radio. They said it'd be $500 to include it. We're pretty darn certain we can get it installed a lot cheaper than that at a really nice custom sound place here in town.

Tomorrow we're driving up to Dallas to see my family and bring little Zach back to Austin with us Monday.

I can't wait to see it!! She's on her way back home now.

Still Down

Sorry for the lack of posting. I seem to have lost just about all of my optimism. Which really sucks considering all the choices and changes looming. The last two years, and recent problems between Nerdstar and I, have left me pretty broken. Mostly I'm just getting thru each day.

Nerdstar's in Houston celebrating the Chinese New Year with her family. Then I think on Sunday we're going up to my family's and bringing Zach down to Austin for a few days. Feb. 23rd Nerdstar's driving back up to Kansas and I'm probably going to go up there with her for a few days to hopefully try to find somewhere to live, then fly back to Austin.

Anyway. Maybe things will improve in the near future.

I'm Not Dead Yet

Nerdstar came home Wednesday for about three weeks. We're still trying to figure out the future. She heads back up to Leavenworth for another 30 days Feb. 24th. For now we've decided to try to find somewhere to rent, if we can find somewhere we like that allows our pets and will do a six to nine month lease. That might be too much to ask. If so we'll look into buying a house. She's going to drive her car up there so she'll be able to do some living space searching. I'm planning on driving up with her and staying for a few days and then flying back. We have plenty of time to figure things out and get them done. I'm just one of those people who really, really prefers life to be more settled, especially after the last two years of being unsettled.

Other than that we're eating well and hanging out. We saw Sideways the other afternoon. We weren't in great moods, we're not into wine or golf, so it was a decent movie, but we didn't think it was great. Mostly we keep thinking it was just a well made infomercial for the wine industry.

The highlight of the past few days is that we finally bought a new bed!! We had looked at the Serta store, and, yes, they are great beds. But, it was going to be hard to pay that much money for one. Yesterday we checked out Denver Mattress Company. Their bed is pretty nice and literally half the price. They're delivering it this afternoon. Can you say new bed sex? We certainly gave the old one a fun send off last night.

Tonight is another free poker night and Nerdstar is finally going to join me in this new addiction - hehehehe. What sucks is I know that if we end up playing at the same table she'll kick my ass. She won 9 out of every 10 hands we played practicing last night.

Let's see, rounding out the last few days was getting our taxes done.

Very exciting life here.

Overwhelmed

It's looking really likely we'll be moving to Kansas in the next couple of months. The job is going well for Nerdstar and in a few years should lead to even better opportunities as a linguist/analyst. I was joking the other day that I might even see her on C-Span in the future!

But I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all. We've decided to try to get pre-approved for a mortgage and see if we can find a house we like up there. Yikes. Add to that the logistics of moving to another state. Then throw in that I'll have to find a job up there.

One of the things making it a little complicated is that Leavenworth is a pretty small town and Kansas City is about forty minutes one way and Lawrence is about an hour the other. So there's a huge area to choose from when it comes to houses and jobs. And there's no way really to know enough about the area to make it easy.

We tell each other all the time to just take it one step at a time.

The good thing is she's coming home next week for a few weeks, and then has orders for another 30 days, which takes us to the end of March. Our lease here is up in April, so that works out pretty well. When she's home next week we'll talk to her credit union about a mortgage. IF that gets approved, she'll have a month up there to look at houses. So it's a decent situation to be in.

I've started looking around at everything and seeing it in terms of packing. We're pretty sure the military will pay for the move, we're just not clear on the specifics. We both have our normal cars, the motorcycle should fit in the truck with the furniture, but the problem may be trying to get my Camaro moved.

For now I'm still in hurry up and wait mode. Not my favorite. It gives my brain too much time to envision disaster.

What I'd like from my dear readers is any advice you have on getting a mortgage and buying a house.

Very exciting stuff

Sorry for the light blogging. There's just not much going on. I miss Nerdstar and it already seems like weeks since I've seen her. I'm still spending my evenings playing lots of poker. I'm not watching tv or the news as much because of that, and that's a good thing.

When I am watching tv, I've tuned into the confirmation hearings for Dr. Rice. I find all the grandstanding annoying as hell, but it's still interesting to watch how it all works. I'm not overly excited about the innaguration today, but I'm always impressed by the history of peaceful transfers of power in this country. Reading history or even the world travel books I've read in the past year keep me aware that it's not something to take lightly.

That's about here. I'm trying to throw some house cleaning into the mix.

Poker Fiend

I have finally found a hobby. Playing poker. Fortunately, so for I'm playing in free tournaments so it's not costing me any money!

Back in November I ran across the Amature Poker League and they host a game two blocks from our house! They play two sessions on Monday and Wednesday nights, at 6 and 9, and I've been playing them both. So in six sessions so far this year I've gotten 15th, 3rd, 14th, and 4th out of 80 people starting each session.

Monday night I found out about another amature league that plays almost every night of the week at various locations around town. Since I'm not working and Nerdstar is out of town, I might as well get in all the poker I can. So tonight I went to a downtown game. There were about 90 people at both sessions or 10 tables, I made it down to four tables, but that was it. At the second session I got 9th. For some reason I generally place better at the later session.

I'm mostly just trying to play as much free poker as I can and then next time we make it to a casino I'll play some cash games.

I love playing poker. It's competitive gambling - meaning against other people and not the house. It's often about luck, but just enough about skill to be good for my ego. A lot of the people at the Mon./Wed. games are nice.

Now, if I can just get Nerdstar to play, too!!

Putting it out there

If/when I get another tattoo, it’s going to be the final box in a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that reads “my brain is trying to kill me.”

Maybe Nerdstar being away from home again hit harder than I thought it would. The darkness that takes over my brain sometimes really set in this week. There was a very brief period of time I tried Welbutrin. I hated it. I’d rather my brain was dark sometimes than my emotions turned off.

I have a hard time not feeling like a complete loser. I’ve just spent the last year living off my girlfriend who was stationed in Iraq. I didn’t manage to get a job - the few times that I actually tried. I haven’t made a new friend in longer than I can remember. The few friends I do have live out of state. I would guess I’ve had phone conversations with them all combined less than ten times in the last year. I tried reaching out to friends I used to have and their complete lack of response really hurt at a time when life was already pretty damn hard.

It’s easy to look back and think, well, if I’d just done X. But, I didn’t do X. I feel into the waiting game.

Sometimes I get all optimistic about things. That brief optimism lead to the blog business idea. Eight weeks later it’s a pretty dead idea. I realized a few minutes ago that blogging is a lot like high school for me. I was the B average student who’s friends were all in the top ten in a class of over 500. I’ve never felt good enough, or like I really fit in. I read blogs like Gaping Void and BuzzMachine and I get what they’re saying, I love what they’re saying. But I don’t think it’s mine enough to make a living at it.

I love Nerdstar, and some days I actually know how much she loves me. But like any relationship, we have our problem days. And when my brain goes dark, those seem a million times worse.

I used to let the darkness settle in for much longer periods of time. I’m better at recognizing when it’s the darkness talking in my head versus reality. But spending a year alone means I’m also used to keeping it all in my head. Not burdening anyone else with it. To some extent that’s a good thing. But sometimes it just makes the loneliness feel that much worse.

What does that have to do with this blog? I’ve never wanted to be one of those bloggers who put all the darkness on the blog. I’ve always wanted this to be a place to put the other millions of thoughts and ideas that run thru my head out there and to talk about them. I’ve always wanted this to be a place for conversations, not monologues. Back to the high school feeling; it’s hard to see other blogs get 30 or 40 comments on pop culture and I’m not getting hardly any.

I’m still trying to hold onto my optimism for this year. We’ll know in about a week if we’re moving to KS or staying in Austin, or who knows, picking something else altogether. Eventually I’ll get a job, which will help my self esteem. Eventually we’ll have a baby.

But in the meantime, I’m feeling like a loser. So blogging might be light until there’s something better to write about.

Good Riddance!

I am thrilled to see 2004 end! It has been the longest year of my life. If only the good years will seem to last as long.

We've got no major plans for the evening. We're going to see a movie this afternoon. We went to Central Market yesterday - along with half of Austin - and picked up some steaks and champaign. We'll cook dinner, watch our new Invader Zim dvd, drink, and snuggle. It's nice just being together this New Year's. The last time we were both home on New Year's was back in 1999.

So here's to a fantastic 2005 for all of us. Less tragedy, less drama, more fun.

Leaving Again

As Nerdstar wrote yesterday, she has orders to go to Ft. Leavenworth, KS for a month to do some linguist work. She flies up there Monday. It's pretty cool. Back when she was at Ft. Lewis before leaving for Iraq she was in contact with one of the men at Ft. Leavenworth about this job, then she was deployed to Iraq. Once she came home she contacted him again, and thankfully they still need her.

What's cool is that this is a 30 day trial. She gets to see if she likes the job and the area, and they get to see if they like her work. At the end of this 30 days she can walk away or they can say no thanks. But, if everyone is happy, then they'll extend her orders for that job for a year.

Neither of us are really thinking past the next couple of weeks. I'll go up and visit her and see how I like the area at the end of week three.

As I've said before, it would be really hard to leave Austin, but it's certainly a possibility.

How Cute

It's 1 pm and we're pretty done for the day. I really should have brought the digital camera, but I forgot. There's the cutest little boy and his grandpa in the floor with a big new train. You know, because the four or five other trains he has just weren't enough! Zach is such a good kid. He woke up about 9 this morning. I was sleeping with him in his bed and when he realized I was awake he looked at me and said, "Santa came!" I said, "Well, let's go see!" He came in and looked and saw the train in it's big box and was all excited, but didn't tear into it or the other presents. My parent's were already up, so Zach went and woke his daddy up and waited until he was up to start opening presents. He didn't even rip them all up and was excited to open even the clothes.

Later, when it was all done, after lunch, he said he wanted to see Santa again so he could hug and kiss him and tell him he loved him! How sweet is that?

Now my only hope is that Nerdstar and I have a little baby close to this time next year!!

Merry Christmas

Nerdstar and I both got up early this morning and hit the road. Unfortunately, she drove to Houston and I drove to Dallas. Zach is mad at me and her because she's not here! Well, and because Ramen isn't here either.

We're doing Christmas tomorrow because Zach's evil mom is picking him up that evening. So I've been convinced all week that tomorrow is actually Christmas.

It's a nice, simple one here. Sleep until the kid wakes up. Make him wake up his daddy. Open gifts. Eat lunch. Probably nap. Eat dinner. Watch dvds. Back to bed!

Nerdstar and I will exchange gifts Sunday night when we're both back in Austin. I'm looking forward to that!

In the meantime. I'd love for all of my regular readers to leave comments as a Christmas present :-) You guys keep me doing this. I appreciate your thoughts, prayers, comments and encouragement this past year while Nerdstar was in Iraq. So again, Merry Christmas to you all!!

Food Semantics

Yesterday, Nerdstar and I went to a little Christmas Bazaar at a little Arabic store. It was one of those things like the psychic fair where we saw an ad in the weekly rag and thought, sounds cool. At noon there was supposed to be a brunch, then at two and four there were supposed to be belly dancers, and of course, cool gift items from the middle east. Nerdstar came back from Iraq with a new appreciation for middle eastern food and we've been wanting to see some belly dancers.

We got there just after noon and there was no brunch. The store sells pretty cool stuff, including hookahs, so we looked around for a while. Nerdstar told me she could have mailed home stuff like that, but didn't. She really should have! We didn't stay long enough to check out the belly dancers. There are a couple of restaurants that have them on Saturday nights.

We were both getting hungry, so we went down the street to this vegetarian restaurant here in Austin, Mother's. Now, let me explain that I do not eat vegetables. You read it right. Basically none. Yes, I eat french fries - but we all know those don't count. No salads, no baked potatoes, no veggies. My mother will swear on my life it's not her fault! (I could write a whole different post on dining with others throughout my life.) But, I know Nerdstar likes the place and hasn't been there in ages. I figure, ok, how hard can it be to get some breakfast, eggs, toast, maybe some pancakes, at least a muffin.

We are seated and check out the menu. I read it over and then looked at Nerdstar and said, "Nothing on here is real." The french toast wasn't even made out of real bread. I have no idea what they made the pancakes out of. Hell, if there's a way to make fake eggs, I'm sure they did.

We left and went to another Austin institution for breakfast, The Omelettry.

Nerdstar wasn't thrilled about leaving Mother's, but didn't say much so I thought it was ok. Later, we're talking about it and I find she's frustrated with me for saying the food wasn't real.

What I mean by that is that I'm sure that the food is good, for what it is. But don't call tofu soaked in some sort of sauce BBQ. BBQ means something - usually something involving meat. Don't call something that's not even bread french toast. French toast means big white bread soaked in eggs and milk and cinnamon and toasted.

It's as much about semantics as the food itself. Nerdstar just said it's an ideological problem.

Good Weekend

Although being unemployed for so long often means we don't always know what day it is, this was a good weekend. We rented several videos the other day because tv, even with over 100 channels, sucks. We finally watched Spellbound. Nerdstar is now convinced she wants our kids to at least start out as nerds - go figure! Those kids really are amazing, though. Then we watched A Home At The End of the World, with Collin Farrell and Robin Wright Penn and some other dude. It was decent. Better than a lot of movies I've seen this past year.

Then last night we watched a Swedish film Kitchen Stories. I usually enjoy foreign films and this was no exception. A very simple story about this company is Sweden that researches kitchen habits and walking patterns by having someone sit on a high platform in the corner of someone's kitchen and take notes. The older man regrets signing up to be observed before the observer ever gets there, and so of course, he causes him trouble. Naturally, they become friends over time. There are less than ten characters in the whole movie, and they're all men. Yet, it's a very sweet film.

Last night was also Wanda Sykes in concert. Nerdstar wrote her review here. It was actually a lot of fun! Watching the audience before she even came on stage was entertaining. I swear there were more gay people than black people in the audience. But that's probably Austin for you. She has a good routine and seemed really relaxed and happy to be doing it. There was even once when someone in the audience yelled out an addition to her joke that really was very funny and she laughed and clapped for them and then elaborated on it. I'd bet $100 she uses it in her routine next time.

The weather has been colder here in Austin than I remember from last winter, but maybe my memory is just bad. But last night was a nice night to be out and around downtown.

This and That

Nerdstar is laughing at me for talking to my computer, which I've done a lot in the past couple of days! As you can see, the site is back to normal, and even slightly improved. Big thanks to Jenna and Gianna! They also upgraded my version of MT - WOW. Integrated blacklist, AND now in Firefox the bold, italic, link and so forth buttons are back - woohoo! Although I was just getting good at actually typing out the stuff necessary to add links in posts.

I've been to the mall three or four of the past ten days. Way too much. After I got home last time I realized I should have taken the ipod and headphones with me - drowned out the damnably cheerful Christmas music piped into our souls. At least I'm almost done with the christmas shopping.

I'm convinced that Christmas is just ritualized mass hysteria.

I finally found a place to play poker. There's an Amature Poker League and they have a branch here in Austin that plays on Monday and Wednesday nights very near our house. And it's FREE! It's tournament style and I've played in three so far and steadily improved. I'd say there's one woman playing for every eight men. Most of the people are pretty nice. It's funny though, there are two sessions each night, six and nine. The nine o'clock one had a lot more drunk people so it was fun to watch them get beat pretty early!

No Chocolate Cake

We had a really nice evening yesterday. It was Murray's birthday and Lisa invited Nerdstar and I and a couple of other people over for dinner. I made a chocolate cake from scratch to take. It's a really good chocolate cake - I'm talking mouth orgasm good. With only eight people at the dinner I was all happy thinking there'd be a decent amount of cake left to bring home and have for breakfast.

There is no chocolate cake left. It's just not right!

It was so fun to hang out and listen to people's stories. It was also nice being the youngest couple there.

I hate being sick!

I hate being sick! Almost every year at this time I get some sort of sinus crud. I hate the taste of snot. I hate that every muscle in my torso gets sore from coughing day and night. I hate the taste of cough syrup. I hate the weird side effects of medications. I hate that the meds never fully do what they say they do so I have to keep trying different ones. I hate that when I'm sick I can barely remember what it feels like to be well. I hate that it feels like I'll never be well again.

Post Thanksgiving

I'm not big on "the holidays." Although I can never really figure out why that is. Thanksgiving, for my entire life, consists of my parents cooking a fair amount of food Wednesday night, and then Thursday we sleep in, hang out until everything is ready for an early lunch, eat, nap, watch tv, eat again, and it's done. Christmas is a repeat with the opening of presents in the morning added. I guess it just doesn't seem all that special to me. Maybe it's because it's been the same for so long, maybe because I get to see my family throughout the year.

For Christmas we usually tell each other what it is we want/need, so there aren't usually any big surprises. I wish there were. But then again, I'm the one who thinks it'd be fantastic to get keys to a new car on Christmas morning, which will probably never happen.

I'd always hoped that when I got married I'd marry into a nice, big family so I'd have a new one. Instead Nerdstar's family prefers me to be out of sight, out of mind. We've gotten to where we agree it's better if I just stay home when she goes to see her family, which just means more time apart after all the time apart we've already had.

All that said, this Thanksgiving was pretty good. I have a bad habit of shutting down and tuning out with my family, and Nerdstar has kinda picked that up. My parent's house is usually loud because of multiple tvs being on and a little boy running around playing. I have no doubt that growing up in a loud house is why I hate noise so much now. So I went up there a little more determined to be patient and engaged. It helped.

We're not sure yet what this Christmas holds. Nerdstar wrote on her blog that she's probably going to get TDY orders to go up to Ft. Leavenworth, KS for a month starting probably not this week but next. I'm sure she'll get to come home for Christmas, but if it's only a two or three day leave then she'll spend it with her family in Houston. So I can't get all that excited about this Christmas.

It's not so much that I'm a big bah humbug, it's just that like with so much of my life, there's this vague feeling that the holidays just aren't what I'd like them to be.

Happy Thanksgiving

What a difference a year makes! Last Thanksgiving Nerdstar had pretty much just gotten to Iraq. All I could think was how long a year was going to be and I could only hope that she'd be home for the next Thanksgiving - alive and well. I'm very thankful she's home. I'm thankful for the mundane aspects of life that tend to be taken for granted.

My heart and prayers are with all the soldiers still far from home this holiday season, and even more with their families who miss them terribly. Thank you for all you go thru for our country.

What

do you do for fun on a rainy Monday night?

Get a tattoo

rain rain go away

Thankfully the ark is almost built, because it's poured down rain 8 of the last 9 days and nights! If there were any truth in advertising Seattle would have to give up it's rainy rep and hand it over to Austin, we've had more rain than them this past year.

Not much going on to blog about really. We finally drove to the casino in Louisiana. Lost again. I did get to play some poker, which I've been wanting to do. I didn't play badly, but I didn't win any $ either.

And that's about it folks. Wednesday we're driving up to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I think we're going to take Zach to see Spongebob and Polar Express.

Update: I was watching the local news channel to check on the weather and I saw something I've never seen before - in some of the surrounding smaller towns they are actually closing schools early today due to the possibility of flooding. School Closings

The Rest of the Story

Nerdstar wrote this Food Entry.

I'm here to tell the rest of the story. Little did I know when we hung up the phone after her asking what sounded good for dinner, just how much food she'd bring home! She left out the steamed veggie dumplings and a rice cake in addition to the onion pie. And that's just from CoCo's. From Rudy's there was the delicious brisket, but there was also smoked sausage, bread, creamed corn, and potato salad and root beers.

Now, out of all of that I ate a two little brisket sandwiches, 1/3 of the onion pie, two bites of sausage and one of the root beers. The rest was all hers!! Hence, "pig!" She might not have eaten it all in one sitting, but she ate most of it before going to bed.

We've been watching Invader Zim - she's totally Gir when it comes to food! I wish I could post the couple of clips of Gir, like when the pizza delivery guy shows up and Gir says "I Love You."

I swear she loves food more than me.

Surreal

Life felt like it detoured into the Twilight Zone today. Partly due to the weather, partly the odd sleeping hours. Who knows. Just that feeling that life is never going to be "normal" again. Which is silly when it hasn't ever really been all that normal to start with.

It was a year ago that Nerdstar got on a plane to Iraq. I'm so thankful she was able to come home a couple of months early. I think we're both mostly recovered from our different ordeals, but we also know that there's no telling what the long term changes that year brought about in us.

Nerdstar worries more about jobs and money than I do at this point in time. I've been realizing there's some part of me that is totally resisting going back to the 9 to 5 grind. Hopefully even if going back to it is necessary, it won't be for long.

One of the cool things last week helping with the documentary was spending some time working and talking with someone who found his way in life to a place where he works at what he loves for a few days, weeks, or maybe a couple of months on something he enjoys and spends the rest of his time taking life easy.

My brain is too mushy today to really be clear. We'll see what this week brings.

Good Long Week

It's been a long week, but mostly in a good way. I spent all week helping two documentary film makers shoot footage for documentary about the Austin Habitat's 20th anniversary next year. I've written before that I really like the people I've met who are associated with Habitat. They all have really good hearts. I was glad Nerdstar got to come and hang out and help a lot of the time, too. We didn't make any money, but we were well fed, met some cool people, and had to have at least gotten a little good karma out of the deal!!

I'm vaguely aware there's a big world out there and things are happening in it, but honestly, I can't bring myself to care. Ok, so Arafat is officially dead and Peterson is officially guilty. So what.

It's a really cold, rainy weekend here in Austin, I've got some firewood indoors so it stays dry and the down comforter is on the bed. I'm going to see if I can put reality off until at least Monday.

Not So Different

Nerdstar and I had a bad relationship day yesterday into late last night that was all my fault. I have very deep self destruct tendencies that go off at random sometimes. I'm still learning to limit the damage and duration.

Today was perfect weather day and we had some things we needed to get done, so I played hookey from my volunteering today and we ran errands and went to the park. She's picking up her car from the shop, then it's ice cream time!

I'm still trying to make coherent my thoughts on the people in this country not being nearly as divided or different as we all seem to think this week. One thought I had is that the media seems to be like that one kid in school who's always going around causing trouble by whispering "did you hear what so and so said about such and such?" Except they're shouting and not whispering.

I thought years ago that it would be fantastic to be able to do a study where X group of people goes about their normal lives without access to "news" - and Y group goes about their lives and has reasonable access to "news" and Z group goes about their lives and are inundated with "news" and see how each group views "the world" after about six months.

Because I just don't think that 90% of the people in this country are really that different from each other. I've got a pretty diverse blogroll, and I believe that if we all got together with some decent food and drinks we wouldn't be trying to kill each other, we'd be talking and laughing and finding out the things we have in common, in spite of the things we don't have in common.

I think we all pay to much attention to what we're told we're all thinking and feeling and why we voted the way we did, when if we just look around at our families and co-workers and friends and such, we just see people trying to live their lives just like we are.

And that's why I'm not all hysterical about how anyone or everyone or red states or blue states voted. America isn't going to become a fundamentalist Christian nation in the next four years just because of the last election any more than it would become a socialist, liberal, athiest, gay nation if Kerry and the democrats had won every office possible. That's not the kind of people who live in America.

Just because there are very loud, outspoken fringe elements claiming they speak for the rest of the larger group, doesn't make it true.

Variety

It was fun, as always spending time with Zach, he's such a character. Friday we took him to see The Incredibles before school was out so the theater wouldn't be totally packed. I just wasn't moved by the movie. It lacked the stunning color and animation of Finding Nemo, and the story telling was the weakest of the Pixar films. Yes, I liked that they actually said, "If everyone is special, then no one is." But, I felt the themes were too muddied. Oh well.

We spent today, and will spend a lot more time the rest of this week, helping the people who are doing the documentary part of the Habitat history project I've helped with the oral histories on. Thankfully, Nerdstar wrote a great post on this so I don't have too!

I'm worn out from all the coughing, hopefully it'll be over soon.

Rag Tag Entry

We're up at my parents' house for a couple of days. We brought a lot of stuff up here to put in a garage sale, and Saturday morning we're going to watch Zach play soccer - or, you know, whatever close approximation little kids have to soccer.

Yes, I'm relieved about the election. I'm glad it wasn't close and it didn't drag on.

The referendum's on gay marriage don't thrill me, but I'm not really bothered by them. I was telling Nerdstar last night that I have a sort of "Everyman" view of things, which I'm not sure I can explain fully. The short version is that it means I don't assume everyone who voted against marriage being anything other than a man and a woman would shoot me given the chance, and I don't think anyone who voted for it would necessarily be someone I'd get along with.

Instapundit has a lot of good thoughts and links on the issue.

I've got a kid to play with, more later.

Nice Weekend

It's been a pretty good weekend. Nerdstar was planning on coming back from Houston on Thrusday, but her car broke down closer to Houston so she had it towed back there. (Actually, one nice thing was that the family's mechanic who had checked out the car the day before towed it back to his garage at no cost.) I thought it might be as simple as the fuel filter because the car has only been driven a few times while she was deployed.

As you know we had tickets to Bob Schneider friday night. I was pmsing and already kinda down so missing the show and having her be gone a few days more would have totally sucked. Fortunately, the mechanic changed out the fuel filter and she finally got on the road about 3:30 or so. Then, she called from the road saying she had had to pull over to the side of the road again. It's now about 6:15 and she's just over an hour outside of Austin. Worst case scenario, I go and get her and Ramen, leave the car to be dealt with later, we grab something to eat and get to the concert. She decides to wait about ten minutes and try driving again. I start holding my breath.

The car made it the rest of the way home. (She bought it at Carmax and got the really long warranty, so we'll get it checked out this week.) She got here about 7:45, time for us to grab some dinner at her favorite Twainese place and head downtown for the show. We got there in plenty of time to do some people watching before the music started. While Antone's here in Austin has some of the best musicians come thru, and has a fantastic sound system, the crowd there is always annoying.

It's hard to say why they're annoying. Nerdstar and I talked about it last night, it's not that the people there aren't doing exactly what they would be expected to be doing - preening, drinking, talking on their cell phones, flirting. And I'm sure there are people there who were annoyed with us, the two lesbians being affectionate in a straight venue.

Anyway. The music was really good. The opening band was Dragonfly Jones, it was just vocals, bass, lead guitar and drums, but they reminded me of Led Zeplin type music, but some songs were more bluesy or southern rock. They were good.

Yesterday we spent the afternoon plant shopping. Found a great nursery and got a couple of strawberry plants, some rosemary, some cute little blue flowered plant, and some peppermint and spearmint plants.

Then we went to a midnight showing of Shawn of the Dead. It was fantastic!! The movie was supposed to start at 11:55. The theater is one that serves dinner while you watch the movie, so they generally start seating plenty early to get the orders taken. Not last night. We finally started seating at about 12:20. While we're all out there standing in line, about three different couples decided to just hang at the front of the line. Huh? That and the waiting at that late hour made us a little cranky, so thankfully the movie was really funny and entertaining!

It's still hot and humid, but within the next thirty six hours that's all supposed to change - we can't wait!!

Bad Luck, Optimism, Fate??

Let's see if I can transfer some of my weird thoughts from my brain to the keyboard.

I've been thinking a lot about optimism, fate, destiny, free will, bad luck, curses, positive thinking - all that sort of thing.

Nerdstar and I have said for most of our relationship that we have bad luck. My mother has always referred to Mauldin luck as a bad thing. And yet, in spite of sometimes popular opinion, I think I'm an optimist, just usually a disappointed one. I spent seven or eight years totally believing God had a very direct affect in/on my life, and yet I wasn't any less disappointed or depressed then.

About a year before I met Nerdstar I lost my faith and took my life back and changed what I could. I'm not sure how that's working for me.

Anyway. Now Nerdstar's back home and we're trying to figure out what next. That obviously means job hunting. We've got money in the bank for a couple of months, but it won't last forever, and there are better things to do with it than be unemployed. But neither of us really has any direction or great ideas on just what kind of job we'd like. I realized the other day that the idea of trying to find a job after not working for a year terrifies me, I was nauseous the other day. I think I'd like to get into HR, but I'm afraid I look totally unqualified on paper.

Again, anyway. It's the little things that are getting my down this week. Nerdstar's call from unemployment about needing a different form. She's trying to take a couple of pre-requisite classes for a physical therapist program she wants to get into and is hitting nothing but roadblocks.

Now she's stuck in Houston with a broken car after being gone since Sunday. We've got tickets to a concert tomorrow that I've been looking forward to. With luck (ha ha ha) the mechanic will fix the car easily in the morning and she'll be home way before the concert (thankfully doors are at 9, show at 10).

It just seems nothing ever goes smoothly. Are we cursed? Do we really just have bad luck? Should we just be grateful that it's not anything more serious? I told Nerdstar that not having a terminal illness shouldn't be the bar.

More importantly, how do we change things not going smoothly? Is it as simple as re-programming our brains to positive thoughts and reality follows? It is really just bad perception on our part, things aren't that bad? I wish I knew.

Sunday Ramblings

Another Sunday evening. Nerdstar is finally going to visit her family in Houston for a few days, she left this afternoon after a late lunch. While she's missed her family a lot (she hasn't seen them since she was home on leave in March), they do tend to take a lot of energy to deal with. Her grandmother has been totally pissed at her grandfather lately because she thinks he has a crush on another woman. Her grandmother even left the house one evening and "showed him". I keep telling Nerdstar it's all kinda cute because, really now, two people in their late 80s acting like teenagers. We can only hope to have that much spunk!

Anyway, she's planning on being there until Thursday, but we'll see if she can last that long. At least she has Ramen with her!

I'm hoping to finally get the house clean and maybe start the hell called job searching.

We've got a desktop computer we bought several years ago that I think we're going to give to my nephew so we can buy him some cool kids cd-roms. Every time we're up there he's even happy to just type nonsense in MS Word. Last Christmas I got him a LeapPad and he loves it, but I think the cd-roms would be more fun. He's also starting to play soccer, which considering he's not even four yet is kinda fun. We're going to go see him run around in a couple of weeks. Oh, but the point was, I'm spending this evening trying to "clean up" the computer and get anything personal off of it before handing it over to my family. My brother has a computer but he won't let Zach do anything on it for fear of crashing it. I tell him it's not that easy to do, but oh well.

Life At A Snail's Pace

That's how it feels since we've been back in Austin. And I'm not actually hating it. It took a couple of days to adjust. At first I felt that life had been on hold long enough and now we needed to Get Stuff Done. But, we are getting things done. Nerdstar has had to go up to Camp Mabry (her local reserve drilling place) several times to straighten out pay issues and such. We've gone thru most of the house and gotten things set aside for a garage sale my parents are having next month. We got the bicycle that was damaged repaired so we can now ride the bikes we bought right before she was deployed. She's catching up on all the good food in Austin.

It's interesting all the little things being out of the country for a year affects, especially since she didn't even really get to watch tv over there. She loves commercials.

A friend asked the other day if the homecoming was going about like I expected. I think for the most part they are. The patience that was beaten into me over the past year and a half is a very handy thing. I think our communication has actually improved. And we're still a couple of twelve year olds most of the time we're hanging out at home.

We're both taking the finding a job thing slowly, and I don't think either of us are at all stressed about it yet. I'm back to being signed up to substitute teach, but we'll see if that works out. Right now we only have one car anyway, although if I need to I can ride the motorcycle to work since it's so damn warm here. (It's been in the mid 90s with 80% humidity. It sucks!!) She'll pick up her car from her grandparents' place in Houston when she goes to see them soon.

Sunday Afternoon

It's been a nice weekend. I like that we did some volunteer work together, even if it was just three hours of getting bike riders ready for their rides. Austin seems to have no shortage of volunteers for all of the many charity organizations and events here, that says a lot about the city.

The weather is a little hotter than we'd like, but I suppose it's silly to complain about sunny and in the mid 80s in early October.

Today we went and had a nice lunch at Hoovers, a home cooking place that has soul food and good bbq.

Then we decided to be adventurous and go to a Psychic Fair we'd read about in the local weekly rag. On the same street about a block or so down was also a little set up at the local fire station and they had a couple of the police officers who ride patrol on horseback there. They were nice guys and very calm horses. It strengthened my longing to go horseback riding soon.

Then we found the Psychic Fair. It was small but interesting. There are several little stores in Austin that cater to that sort of crowd. We hung out for a while and finally decided to have a tarot card reading separately. The lady didn't tell us anything we didn't really know already, but I guess it was kinda cool that she knew them. For the most part it was nice to be reassured that yes things have been hard, but they're going to get better.

Then we had our palms read together by this nice, older man. Our hands were almost identical in shape and in some lines- weird. He also confirmed that our ideas about future employment were in line with what our palms said.

We know you generally get out of those things what you want to. But to have complete strangers give you pretty good news, even if it's as simple as you're going to live a long life with decent health, is always nice.

I'm home now!

After almost 3 weeks of worth of out-processing from active duty, and road-trippin', I've finally made it home to Austin! Thankfully, the weather is just perfect, with a touch of cold-front. Aside from all the great places to eat at, I've also got a bad case of seasonal allergy, and the reality of "OMG, now I've got to get a job and get back to work-itis"!
If anyone needs a good Chinese translator, or knows someone who does, please drop me a e-mail and I will respond promptly! Basically, from now, until the end of the year, I'm looking at getting some unemployment insurance, a job here and there, until sometimes next year, thinking about getting back to school, and learn something aside from basketweaving.
Beth has been especially patient with me, I don't think I've quite gotten all of me back from Iraq yet, if you know what I mean. Lately, I am still finding a hard time believing that two of my Iraqi friends have passed. My thoughts have been sort of scattered, partially thinking about the time spent back in Iraq, the future of having a kid or two, wanting to go to school, as well as just wanting not to do anything job-related anymore.
On top of all that, I've got to straighten out a few issues with the army, like, my back pay issue, and also making sure that I'll get out when I am supposed to.
Nevertheless, I am glad to be back, snuggling with the missus, walking the dog, and not having to dodge any more mortars!

Nerdstar

Fun with kids

It really is stunning just how often "Because I said so." is a very valid response to a three and a half year old. It's closely followed by "What did I just tell you?"

My brother has ended up staying here and hanging out as well. We had a good time at the park this morning, then came home and napped and went to have ice cream. Tonight it was apparently movie night, Lion King, Nemo, and now A Bug's Life. See, it's a good thing my parents have been collecting animated movies for me all these years, first on video, now on dvd.

It's hard to go from all that solitude to having two boys in my house. They're messy!

Looking Forward

This third anniversary of 9/11 finds me looking forward.

I'm looking forward to this afternoon when my nephew is here. I remember in the weeks following that day I worried so much for his future. I was convinced that sometime in his life he would face something similar if not worse, and it broke my heart. But really, every person's life has tragedy in it, as well as great joy and love.

I'm looking forward to next Saturday when I begin my trip up to Ft. Lewis and Nerdstar begins her trek there as well. It's going to be a beautiful time of year to be driving thur the western half of this georgous country.

I'm looking forward to letting go of the fear and worry and loneliness and getting on with life. To finding jobs and having kids and one day growing old.

And really, that's what the anniversary of 9/11 should be about - getting on with life. Not in a forgetful way, but in a way that is damn thankful to have a life to get on with.

Grumpy

Tomorrow will mark two weeks with no conversations other than IMs with Nerdstar and another friend or two. I'm about to convince myself I prefer it that way. I'm still too worried about Nerdstar to take much delight in the fact that with any luck she'll be on her way back home in less than two weeks. They've had firefights just outside her base and more mortar attacks the past few days, so until she's actually out of Iraq it's not totally safe.

I've contracted some vague illness the past twenty four hours. Stomach problems, but then in the middle of the night last night I woke up cold, like a fever cold. I actually had to turn the a/c off, turn the ceiling fan off and get another blanket for the bed. But it just didn't seem like one of my normal fevers. And a slight headache for about twenty four hours now. Thankfully aspirin works for that. Some of this might be from foreign germs from the boxes Nerdstar sent home from Iraq. I know when she was home on leave I caught some vague crude from the dust from her duffle bag.

All that to say I'm grumpy. It's weird that with the end so near it doesn't feel it.

Saturday my brother is coming thru and dropping off my nephew for a day or two. I can't wait. The only person I love more than Zachary is Nerdstar. The last time it was just Zach and I was right before last Christmas. Now he talks a lot more and is growing up, so it'll be fun. Then the rest of next week will be getting the car and dog ready for the trip and packing and cleaning. So it'll be better.

I just have to get thru the next four days.

More Questions

Sorry for the light blogging these days. I've spent two weeks with my butt planted on my sofa for the most part. I haven't had a conversation with anyone other than the pets or waitstaff other than a phone call from my Mom and a couple of phone calls from Nerdstar in two weeks. I battled thru all the fears and worries and am actually starting to feel better with the end feeling more in sight. Tomorrow I'll write more about getting ready for Nerdstar's homecoming.

For today a couple of questions again.

Of course, after watching most of the Democratic National Convention, I'm spending too much time watching the Republican National Convention on C-Span. It was actually entertaining last night. The mood seemed lighter and more optimistic than the DNC. They had a medly of showtunes and then had a faux Saturday Night Live intro to the evening. I thought it was funny. Of course, Rudy's speech rocked.

I didn't get the impression many of my readers watched the DNC and assume they're not going to watch the RNC this week either. So...

Are you watching the convention?

Are you registered and definitely going to vote Nov. 2?

Could anything change your mind about who you're going to vote for?

My response

It’s not an obvious result of 9/11, but it’s certainly an indirect result of that day, Nerdstar being sent to Iraq for a year has been the biggest impact on our lives. And the effects of that won’t be known for some time yet. Maybe on the 4th anniversary of 9/11 I’ll be able to write about it all more clearly.

For me, the most obvious lasting change from 9/11 has been the continued rawness of my emotions. The tears that are always ready to fall at the slightest provocation are something I’ve had to adjust to and not be embarrassed by. And there are still times I’ll look up at a plane flying overhead and pictures of it exploding in mid air come without warning.

As for my worldview, I guess I’d have to say I continue to fluctuate between hopefully optimistic and terribly frightened. I believe the changes in Iraq and Afghanistan are solid and real and good. And I believe those changes can lead to even better changes in the Middle East and beyond. But I’m also aware of how simple it is for a small group of determined evil people to cause mass death and destruction. While I may be naïve, I’m not naïve enough to think stopping those groups of people will be easy nor 100% effective.

I wouldn’t say 9/11 has changed the way I live my day to day life. Hopefully Nerdstar’s year long deployment and our resulting separation will facilitate change for the better in our future. I’ve always been someone who was aware of just how big this world we live in is and yet how connected it all is as well, and also just how short life can be.

Last year I bought dvds of two documentaries about 9/11 because I just didn’t feel any media really covered the anniversary adequately. I plan to watch them on 9/11. Yes, it’ll be painful. And as cliché as it is, I really do believe it’s important to remember that day and the weeks that followed. I think as a nation we’ve developed a collective amnesia.

I wish the unity of the rest of that September had remained. I would never have imagined the current political climate then.

Changing jobs again

Well, this temp job was nice. But... I've decided to substitute teach starting (hopefully) next week. I know, most of you are probably saying to yourselves, Is she crazy, giving up a cushy little office job to sub? Well, yeah.

I'm just not up to an office job just yet. Actually, if I have any say in it, I wouldn't have one ever again. But I usually doubt I'll have much say in it. At least for now I don't have to have one, so I don't.

There's some small part of me that still thinks I'd make a great teacher and just can't give up yet. Austin's just too hard a city to get a real teaching job in. Austin's famous for having more people with masters degrees waiting tables than any other city. And while I'm sure that's not exactly true, there are a lot of people who love living here and are willing to be substantially underpaid to do so.

Anyway. Who knows what next year will bring. Maybe we'll end up moving to a city that desperately needs teachers.

Even if we end up in Austin, and I don't end up with some principal dying to have me teach at their school, getting another $10/$12 an hour office job that requires less than half my brain and more than all of my patience is just not something I want to do. I'd love more than anything to have a couple of kids and stay home and take care of them and the house and everything. I know that in itself is a hard job, but I not only think I'd be really good at it, I think it'd be fun and fulfilling.

Baring that, I have ill formed plans in the back of my mind to go to a head hunter and get serious about really pinning down what my skills are and finding a job that suits me. I don't know what that's so hard for me, but it is. Having more brains than ambition just isn't good. Of course, I'm sure it would suck just as much having more ambition than brains.

This and That

The temp job is going well enough. It's a very quiet place, and that's just what I need.

Once again I didn't sleep worth shit last night and I'm exhausted. I'm so tired it physically hurts. I don't know what it is about my brain that it likes to torture me so. Even when I'd fall asleep last night it was like my thoughts were so loud it was like someone waking me up by talking to me. If I don't sleep well enough to feel rested tonight, I'm coming home from work tomorrow and taking a tylenol pm and going straight to bed.

Did Lance kick some ass today or what? Today it was just the riders, their bikes, and one hell of a mountain. No teams, no strategy, no nothing but pure determination. And he kicked ass. He crushed his closest competition by actually busting the 2 minute lead the guy had and passed him. He's simply amazing.

Well, it hasn't been as hard as I thought to give up writing about politics and such. There are plenty of people who cover it all much better than I do. And honestly, I just don't care enough about any of it anymore. All I can think about is Nerdstar coming home, how much longer, making plans, making lists so I don't have those plans running amok with all the other mucky thoughts in my head, and trying to balance hope and caution.

Now if I can just get some sleep.

Tired and Grumpy

That pretty much sums up my weekend. Thankfully this temp job is the least stressful ever. (And here's hoping it stays that way!) Unfortunately, my sleep patterns and habits of the past few months are making it extremely difficult to get a good nights sleep before having to get up to go to work. I literally got four hours of sleep Wed. and Thurs. before work Thurs. and Fri. It took me until yesterday to finally get caught up and feel rested. Then again, last night I didn't fall fully asleep until at least 2 a.m. My body is tired, and it's not that my mind is racing, it just won't totally turn off and let me sleep.

I could handle feeling physically tired if it didn't make me so damn grumpy. Why do things like pms and being tired have to affect emotions so strongly? Because there's no other reason to be grumpy. It was a nice weekend. I got to chat with Nerdstar, got laundry done, walked the dog, ate well, and even conducted another fun interview for the Habitat oral history project.

I'm tempted to take a whole tylenol pm now (6 p.m.) and just go to bed and if I wake up ass early then I'll just go get a nice breakfast before work. But now the only time Nerdstar and I might get to chat is between 10 and 11 p.m. my time. Which unfortunately for her means she has to get up early. UGH.

This deployment just can't end soon enough. I'm sick to death of it.

Day one at work

Seems like it's going to be a decent temp job. It's a branch office of a manufacturing company, so there are five male employees in a small office and warehouse. That's it. I'll be doing filing and data entry and probably answering the phones when the guys all wander off. Two of the guys said the boss is a little nuts, but he's nice enough and not demanding, so that's all that matters. It's a twenty minute drive in bearable traffic. Ten bucks an hour in a very quiet office and no stress. Not a bad deal. Hopefully I'll make enough to buy us a tempurpedic or sleep number bed when Nerdstar comes home!

Ramen and Silly practically attacked me when I walked in the door, I told them to get used to me not being home. Little Man only knows I exist when I go to bed at night and he comes to snuggle, so I don't think he even knows I was gone all day.

Hard

Most of the time I do pretty well. Then sometimes it all just crashes in. The totality of the hard things. It's not just being separated for over a year, it's not just worrying about her safety 24/7, it's not just not working (which I can debate endlessly with myself whether that was the smartest choice or not), it's not just spending 6 and 3/4 out of every 7 days alone, it's when the reality of all of those things crashes in and overwhelms me all at once.

And while I can do ok most of the time, my brain needs an outlet for all the millions of thoughts that wander around in it constantly. And the best outlet for that used to be long conversations with good friends. It hit me the other night just how long it's been since I've had that. And talking to the pets just doesn't cut it.

Nerdstar and I talk all the time about how hard it is to make new friends, good friends. So one of the things that's made me the most hurt and angry while she's been gone is that people who I used to be friends with, like the few people I would talk with at my last job, or people I used to be closer to be sort of drifted because of theological differences, that in spite of knowing I'm going thru this hard time haven't reached out. That's something I'll just never understand. People that I only know thru this blog have been more supportive than people I've know in "real" life.

Chillin'

I used to joke that I gave up religion for Lent. And while it's not Lent season, I'm going to try to avoid politics for at least a few weeks. I can't avoid it entirely, but I'm going to do my best.

Yesterday I got season one of Invader Zim dvd. Doom Doom Doom - let's all sing the Doom song! The episodes definitely got funnier later in the season, so I'm really looking forward to season two. One bad thing though, the commentaries sucked beyond belief. They had everyone in the world in the room, so they were trying to be slyly funny instead of telling me about the cartoon. Bad, very bad. I sent the dvds on to Nerdstar this morning. You know, her being an invader and all. (And don't tell her I told y'all, but she's also quite evil.) There's also more than a trace of Gir in her, you know, her being all about food! (Love you, baby!)

I actually woke up at 7:30 this morning and decided to stay awake. I got up about 8 and by 11 a.m. had had breakfast, mailed Nerdstar her package, taken Ramen to the park to run around like an idiot, and bought a new cd. I was surprised there wasn't anyone else at the park this morning. But it was nice to be out there before it was too hot and while it was nice and quiet.

The cd I got is the debut by Julie Roberts. I had watched her show on CMT a few times about her trying to get airplay on radio stations and such. She seemed really nice. She has a great voice, and after seeing the video for Break Down Here a few times, I was sold. It was only $10 at Best Buy. I wish she had more happy tunes on it, but oh well.

The last year has had me listening to more country music. It used to annoy me to no end that a lot of country artists don't write their own lyrics, but maybe that's the way to go. I think they have the best love songs, best story songs, some damn funny stuff, and songs that make my cry every time. And they're usually the most fun to sing along to. Sometimes it bothers me that country music is so damn straight. But then again, most entertainment is.

Bits and Pieces

I didn't get enough sleep last night to write anything really coherent. But, here are some topics wandering around my brain...

I'm enjoying the Tour de France. I record the first showing of the day's events every morning and watch it when I get up. So far Lance and his team are beyond amazing once again.

Relationships are hard work, but exponentially worth it.

There's all this talk about how divided this nation is, and that the divide is just getting wider. Add that to the various ways in which issues, like gay marriage, are being decided state by state, and we could see even more polarization by state and region. I don't think it's an immediate problem, but it is a disturbing trend. Hope that's not too vague.

And the constant thought in my head - I miss my Nerdstar!!

Bleh

I miss my girl. A lot.

Last July 4th we were in Seattle, touring the harbour, eating seafood, watching the fireworks from the docks.

Today, well, it just sucks.

I miss my girl. A lot.

Still Sick

Man I hate being sick!! I think I have a slight sinus infection. I'm going with my preferred route of thinking it will get better simply because I really, really wish it will! I took some cold/sinus meds last night and they had me wired until 7:30 a.m. That was one damn long night with a racing, unfocused mind. Then I could only sleep until about 10:30 a.m. I have every intention of taking a whole tylenol pm and sleeping until I wake up, which might very well be this time tomorrow night.

One bad thing was I had to reschedule an interview I had scheduled for the Habitat project. I felt bad. But, it also reminded me of the times at my last job when I just couldn't get out of bed and go to work a few times. It's hard to say now if it was because of insomnia, depression, or just plain hating my job so much I couldn't stand to be there. I'm sure it was a combination of the three.

One good thing about every day feeling like a week and every week feeling like a month while Nerdstar's gone is that everything that came before it will feel like a different lifetime. That will help greatly in her homecoming feeling like a true fresh start.

Exhausted

Emotionally I feel like I've been thru a triathalon every day for the past three days. But I'm actually hopeful that light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. I'm vaguely aware the world keeps turning. Thanks for all the well wishes.

True

It's true, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm doing a lot better today. I hate being vague, because that's not the goal of this blog, but because this involves someone else, I can't really talk about it. It's been a heartbreaking and difficult 36 hours, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Really Really Must Read

I'm not even going to summarize this for you, just go read it.

I have this weird brain that's always trying to solve unsolvable problems, not math and logic problems and such (I actually suck at those!), more along fixing the whole world and existential stuff lines.

As I've mentioned, I remember when I was in middle school I would lie awake half the night thinking about, or on the phone half the night talking about, mutually assured destruction, nuclear bombs going off close to home (I always assumed Dallas/Ft. Worth was a big enough target). Then, when I was in college from 1986-90, all of those fears faded for me. I'm sure a lot of my optimism had to do with my re-found religion. But I remember many conversations during those years with people who still thought the world was too fucked up a place to "bring a kid into". I couldn't imagine being that pessimistic.

And while my only goal in life is to have kids, and hopefully have them soon, I must admit that thought sometimes lingers in my mind.

I know in the months following 9/11 I was heartbroken for my nephew. It just seemed inevitable that at some point in his life another terrorist attack as bad or worse would happen.

In a lot of this down time I have this year, I spend a lot of time wondering how to eliminate the threat of terrorism, wondering if the world we live in will deteriorate into more violence, is it inevitable, or can the War on Terror actually be won, and who in the hell is figuring out how to win it. I think the Cold War has affected our collective foreign policy views at least as much as Vietnam has. The Cold War went on for decades and without any actual fighting. I'm afraid people think this War on Terror can be won the same way. I wish I knew more and could hash this out better.

So, go read the link up there and at least get a better view of who our enemy is and the problems associated with this war.

Late Night Rambling

It's 1:23 a.m. (cool, not as cool as 12:34, but close.) I've got a few topics wandering around the old brain, at this very moment it's a mystery where this post will end up.

I've got disjointed thoughts on patience, making friends, and writing abilities ambling around.

It looks like we're going to get a webpage going for the oral history project for Austin Habitat for Humanity. Way cool. In a meeting with the woman heading the project about the first interview, I got to telling her about blogs and communication, and how I was trying to think of a good site for the project. We're working with the company who does the site for the AHFH. (If/when the project website is up and running I'll link everything.) I also realized that someone is going to have to actually write all the content for the site and wasn't sure the woman heading the project was thinking that far ahead. I sent her a nice little email stating that while I don't write from scratch very well, I would love to help edit and revise.

I got to thinking about that statement, and was talking to a friend about it today. How odd of me, as a blogger, to state to someone that I can't write from scratch. But honestly, that's how I see myself. If you gave me a topic and a deadline I'd give you back some of the worst writing you've ever read. Really. That's why I love this blog. It's not "real" writing. It's me having a one sided conversation with invisible people. (laughs) Somehow that sentence makes sense to me.

Patience. I hate that word. It has to be my least favorite word in the world. I am NOT a patient person. Nothing irritates me more or faster than waiting. Waiting in line, waiting in traffic, waiting for mail, waiting for life. I hate it all. And yet, life, God, the universe, karma, whatever, has been pounding patience into me for at least the past twenty years. But so far, it's not working. In fact, I think the more effort exerted by said universe, whatever, the less patient I get. And trust me, the amount of patience I've had to have this year has probably used up about twenty years worth, so I wish that said universe, whatever, would just give up already!

As for the making friends stuff. It ties into the whole patience thing. As in it takes a lot more patience than I generally think it should. But, my Nerdtar just IM'd me, so I'm done.

Bleh

It's 3:38 a.m. In about ten and a half hours I'm taking Ramen to the vet for his annual check up. I have a feeling I'll be hungry before then, too. Eight hours of sleep isn't looking likely. Oh well.

I'm becomming a hermit and it's weird. It also gives me nothing to write about. In the past six months I've tried going back to church, contacting old friends, making new friends, finding temp work, getting a job at many local restaurants. Nothing.

Last night was supposed to be women's poker night. Out of the eleven people who emailed saying they were interested just over two weeks ago, one showed up and one called saying she was on meds and couldn't make it. Not a peep from anyone else.

Sometimes it's hard not to take it all personally and feel like one huge failure.

Two things keep me this side of insane - Nerdstar and my family.

1000th Entry

I guess it's appropriate that this entry will be like the 999 before it and nothing special.

After all the stress and emotion of last weekend, I've been pretty chill the last couple of days. Summer set in with a vengance. I'm one of those rare people who hate hot, sunny weather. Especially when hot and sunny means it's 95 with 90% humidity and relentless sunshine. It helps tremendously to have an a/c in my car this year. It means I might venture out before 10 pm a little more often.

Nerdstar got a chance to call the other night. She said a couple of guys in her unit have taken to sleeping in their offices instead of their trailers since the attack last weekend. She also said people are being a lot more friendly. That all makes sense to me. She's doing well.

I've still been watching programs and documentaries about D-Day, thinking about how different things are now. And it's really not our military that is different. At least, not in the makeup in the character of it's soldiers. But our enemy is completely different. That's something that always pisses me off - that our enemies are total cowards. They won't put on uniforms and fight us "face to face" as an army. They hide behind children. They lob mortars into our bases and fade into the crowd.

And I think that's what contributes a lot to the major difference between this war and WWII - the attitude of the homefront. Say what you want about propaganda, but it works and it helps. We need more of it today. But it's "oppressing" to call our enemy the enemy. Fuck that.

Anyway. My mailbox brought me cool things today. I got the 3rd season of Coupling, the 6th season of Buffy, and the only season of Firefly.

Yeah for me

I just finished hosting my first successful Women's Poker Night! I decided I was tired of giving my money to boys so I sent out an email to a local lesbian email list. So, yes, I invited several absolute strangers to my house to play some cards.

There were only five of us, but it was really fun. Hopefully it'll become "the" place to be on Monday nights :-)

For the record, we're playing Texas Hold Em no limit with nickle and dime blinds. The buy-ins are $5 or $10. I bought in for $10 and lost less than $2 in four hours of play. Much better than I do with the boys!

Poor Ramen really, really thought he should have been allowed to stay inside and be petted all evening. And I don't know how cats do it, but in less than five minutes of everyone leaving, they knew it was safe to come back inside.

Late Nights

I'm starting to go stir crazy again. It faded there for a while, but, it's back. My sleep times are all out of whack. I'm up until early morning and sleeping until noon. It feels weird to be out of sync with the city around me, even though Austin is pretty close to being a 24/7 city.

I'm also starting to really want to make some money. Stupid as it sounds, I'm still trying to learn how to play poker to try to win some money. I've played maybe six nights and have lost under $200, but it feels like a very expensive learning curve. But, I am getting better. We'll see. I'd feel much better if I were playing with money I was earning and not Nerdstar's.

I'm signed up with two temp agencies, have called one of them every day this week, and nothing. And I just really don't want to go the retail route, but another month of nothing and I just might.

The other thing I just can't express how much I long for is a nice, long, face to face chat with a good friend.

I just don't want this year to be a total waste.

Small World

The other day I wrote about how I often think about "the whole world". For some reason my interest in foreign places is picking up. Maybe it's because part of me realizes just how interconnected it/we all is/are. I know that's in no way a new idea or anything, but 9/11 and the Iraq War and such are bringing it home to me like I'm sure WWII did for that generation.

Then again maybe it's because I'm spending way too much time on my sofa with nothing to do.

I also wrote the other day about reading Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux. Reading about Mr. Theroux's travels thru Africa made me think of one of my college friends often. She and I recently got in touch with again only to find that my being gay and her religious views were too big an osbticle to us renewing a close friendship. When we last had lunch together a few months ago, she mentioned she might be going back to Africa for a year or two to do missionary work. Sure enough, I got a letter from her yesterday telling her plans to do just that.

I'd say that at least half of my close friends at Baylor did missionary work in foreign countries. But that's another post for another time.

I'm reading another book by Mr. Theroux, a collection of essays about travel. I like his style of travel. It's not touristy. It's definitely as much about the journey as the destination.

Today I ran across this essay by an American professor who spent time in Central Asia and writes about anti-American sentiment. Go read it!

Sick

I'm tempted to open this post with a string of cuss words. But what's the point?

It's a cloudy, rainy day here in Austin. I had strange dreams last night. I'm used to dreams of being in a situation where people are trying to kill me. Last night was the first time I've dreamed about ufos being real. Weird.

My only goal was to deposit some money in the bank, grab some lunch, and go to the library. The bank had a power failure and the server still wasn't back up, so that was a bust. Lunch was good. And I picked up a couple more books by Paul Theroux at the library.

Then, stupid me came home and instead of diving right into the book I started during lunch I turned on the news just in time to hear about this:

A video posted Tuesday on an Islamic militant Web site showed the beheading of an American civilian in Iraq, and said the execution was carried out by an al-Qaida affiliated group to avenge the abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American soldiers.

After reading a statement, the men were seen pulling the man to his side and putting a large knife to his neck. A scream sounded as the men cut his head off, shouting "Allahu Akbar!" — "God is great." They then held the head out before the camera.

I'm literally sick over this. Mr. Berg wasn't even in the military. He was a contractor trying to help improve communication systems over there. My heart is broken for his family.

The terrorist fuckheads didn't even show their faces and take responsibility for this horrible act.

I don't know what to say.

Hardest Thing

I made it back to Austin safe and sound. I miss the kiddo. He's such a great kid and it's so fun to hang around him. He's got three main phrases, play with me, whatcha doin? and what you talkin about? It's so cute. He's all about trains and fire trucks.

I don't talk or write much about it, but the hardest thing for me is not having a kid yet. This time of Nerdstar being gone and the year and a half delay in us trying to have a baby is so hard. I have to try hard to not let it really get to me. IF we're lucky I'll be 37 when our first kid is born.

But, there's nothing I can do to change any of it. Hopefully when all of this is said and done, and we do have that first cute little baby, it'll make all of this crap just fade away.

Too Cute

Too Cute

The weather last night was perfect for sitting in a ballpark watching a game. We had great seats, too, front row right by the outfield.

Zach wasn't too much into the game, but I didn't really expect him to be. But, he's an extremely social little kid, has never met a stranger. And he's a huge moocher! There was a really nice young couple sitting next to me and he had them spend five innings feeding him almost every peanut they had. He likes taking little things apart, so the peanuts were fun to play with and to eat!

When the game was over and we were all walking up the stairs and out, he called out to the couple "Bye, nice to meet you!." How cute is that??

Leaky Eyes

For whatever reason, my eyes have been even more leaky than usual today.

Since 9.11 my emotional state has been on the verge of tears pretty much non stop. Hmm, on the verge of tears might not be the most accurate, but I definitely cry at less than the drop of a hat since that day. It's beyond pms emotional crying over sappy commercials.

Adding a constant "white noise" of total fear about Nerdstar's safety for the past six months does nothing to help.

Anyway. I was driving to my little job this morning, the radio scanning all my preset stations as always, when I catch just enough of a conversation between morning djs I generally find way too happy family listening for my taste. One of the guys went off on how CNN is so biased and wrong in it's coverage of Iraq and all the good things the soldiers are doing. Thank god I wasn't drinking anything while driving, I would have had to clean it off the windshield. I stop the scanning and leave it on the station. Not only did the other male and female djs agree, the next fifteen minutes were about the good things in Iraq, and they actually called a soldier who's currently in Baghdad they had met at a "going away party" the radio station had held at Ft. Hood several months ago. They asked him about what the last 24 hours were like for him, how morale is, and how the Iraqi's really feel about Americans. The soldier sounded like a great guy, talked about life in Baghdad, mostly the lack of any sort of sewer system and waste management, and about how some sort of danger is a constant and a given and no big deal.

So yes, the tears were flowing as I pulled into the parking lot.

This afternoon while doing all my blog surfing I was reading the message boards on Strykernews and a soldier who's mom and girlfriend post there was killed the other day.

My heart breaks for them. I can only hope with all of my being I never have to post that something has happened to my Nerdstar. Every minute of every hour of every day over there brings the chance that a random mortar or IED (improvised explosive device) or bullet will hurt or kill her.

Tonight as I'm doing a little more surfing while watching the Mavs self destruct against the Kings, I run across this great overview of the Spirit of America drive to raise money to provide tv stations and broadcasting to Iraq and life at Camp Pendleton these days.

This time it's tears of hope and amazement at the generosity of people and, truly, the spirit of America.

Habitat for Humanity Oral History Project

I've actually been out and about all day today.

Several weeks ago I got an email from Habitat for Humanity looking for admin volunteers. I had looked into house building volunteering, but wasn't sure I could handle the hot Texas sun. So the admin help sounded much more feasable. At the orientation there was a list of opportunities and I was more than thrilled when I read they were going to have an oral history project.

I spent all four years in college working in the Oral History department and then did some freelance transcribing and editing when I was living back at home a few years ago. I think it's so cool to hear people's stories.

The Austin chapter of Habitat for Humanity is about to celebrate their 20th anniversary and their 200th house built, hence the idea for the oral history. One of the women who's on the board of directors is spearheading the effort and that's who I met with today. She's got a documentary maker and someone with audio editing as well. It looks like I'm going to do the interviews and transcribing. I think it's going to be a fantastic project. I'll definitely keep you updated.

Beginner's Luck

I've been wanting to learn how to play poker for a while now. About two years ago I put a notice out on a local lesbian email list to see if anyone was interested. We had one couple show up one night and we never heard from them again. I don't like gambling online. I'm not paranoid, but there is no way to know how the games are programmed to let people win or not. (Yes, I understand the math is very, very complicated.) I knew if I was going to play poker I wanted to sit at a real table and play against real people. It's very motivating that 95% of the players are men, and I think it'd be fun to take their money.

So, I finally decided to see what I could find here in Austin thru MeetUp. The previous two or three poker meetup nights were rare nights I actually had to be somewhere. Tonight, I finally went to one. There was one other woman there, she was with her husband. Other than that there were about nine guys there, two thirds of them in their twenties. I think the common factor among poker players is going to be ego.

One of the guys there said he'd host a game at his place after the meeting. I figured since they already knew I was a complete beginner it'd be a good time to sit at a table and give it a try.

It was a $20 buy in and two hours later I left with $62.75. What sucks is I'm almost positive it was just beginners luck designed by the Gambling Gods to suck me in so they have a new way for me to hand them more of my money.

Now I'm on a couple of guys' email lists here in town and we'll see how it goes.

Motorcycle Mama

What a nice, long day. I got up at 7:30 this morning to go meet up with the women's motorcycle group. Yes, I'm in a motorcycle gang. (That cracks me up!) The first time I rode with them was a week or two after Nerdstar left for Tacoma last May. They give me a hard time that I'm just making her up. I can't wait until she's home to go riding with me!!

I was really hoping for perfect riding weather today, but didn't get it. It was totally cloudy, about 68 degrees and very, very windy. Wind and motorcycles aren't a good combo. What was cool was feeling like I've matured enough as a rider to handle it.

The best part of the day, as is always the case on the rides with the group, was the scenery. The Texas Hill Country is tailor made for riding. All day I wished I could just mount a video camera to the front of my bike to show you guys what I was seeing. Hills and curves and fields of wildflowers and blue bonnets and the clouds racing across the sky.

One good thing about motorcycle riding is you don't have to stop to smell the flowers, you can smell them as you go flying by. One bad thing about motorcycle riding is you don't have to stop to smell the cow shit!

Curious and Pissy

Does it say more about me or my friends that although I've made it clear that I'm going thru one of the loneliest times of my life, my phone never rings and my email box is mostly empty?

Update:

Ignore me. I'd delete this but that seems dishonest. It's just my weekly Saturday night self pity fest.

I think I'm just in a phase of life where everything is being stripped bare. And while it's not fun, it's not a bad thing. I realized as I was falling asleep a little while ago that it's a different kind of lonely than I felt before Nerdstar came into my life. It's not a lonely that overwhelms my heart and soul.

Longing for Simple and Normal

I've been trying to compose this in my head all day. I'm longing for simple. And maybe if my life wasn't so varied, if it were a little more pigeonholed, it would be more simple. At first I was thinking it was just a matter of having too many variables in my makeup. That I'm gay, a military spouse, christian, capitalist, libertarian and so forth complicates things.

But then I realized that I don't even fit the normal definitions of most of those distinctions. As a lesbian I'm not a vegeterian or a hippy or a liberal. As a Christian I was pretty far out there without adding the whole gay thing to it. As a military spouse I certainly don't really fit, again, even without the whole gay thing. Yes, I am patriotic and think we live in the best country in the world, but I'm not a big fan of military life and so far I'm not impressed with how it's ran from a personnel and logistics and budget stand point.

The title of this blog would have been appropriate even when I was in middle school. One of my best friends, who I spent endless nights on the phone with talking about everything and nothing, used to get so mad at me because in the same conversation I'd end up passionately defending both sides of an arugment. Being able to see mutliple sides of an issue certainly doesn't make for simple.

Broadening out - I was reading all the titles on the articles on the Command Post website about all the terror related things going on all over the world. Again I longed for a more simple world. These days it's easy to say, man, life sure was more simple before 9/11. But that's not really true. Yes, we all thought it was. But it wasn't. The world has always been a complicated place to live.

In the past few years there has been a big industry crop out regarding simplifying life. Some of it is good, clean out the clutter and debris in your home and get organized. It certainly helps us feel more in charge. I wish I believed it made any difference in the bigger picture.

But more than anything, most days I wish I were one of those people who only had one lense to see the world thru - and while we're at it, that it was rose colored and only extended to about arms length out.

Unfortunately, it's just not that simple.

Too Much

What a difference a couple of days can make. When I was driving up to Dallas Saturday morning I was an emotional wreck and in tears. The stress of the past few days couldn't be ignored.

There were so many things I was grappling with. It's been one thing to have a general sense of worry about Nerdstar and missing her terribly. It was another thing altogether when her life was in much more real and imminent danger.

One of the obvious issues is where do I find comfort. Honestly, not really from anywhere other than hearing from Nerdstar herself that's she's alive and well, at least for the time being.

I tried praying Friday night and just couldn't for so many reasons. Mostly because I don't believe he's "there for me." I'm still struggling a lot with what kind of God I believe exists. Does praying for a particular soldier really make them any safer? Does God actually take an active interest in our individual lives? I used to believe that. But even if he does, does he in mine? I've reached out in the past few months to several people I used to be really close to when I was going to church. Even knowing how hard things are for me with Nerdstar being gone, at best the response has been total indifference. If I can't count on Christians to be supportive and understanding, then who could I count on?

Then there's the issue of feeling totally selfish. Yes, I'm all for a free and democratic Iraq - but not at the price of Nerdstar's life. Well, then who's life do I think it should be? Beats me.

There was more in there, but you get the picture.

The drive back to Austin was much more calm. I'm still worried, still don't have any answers, but I'm not as emotionally wrecked.

Done

Done, I'm Done and I'm On To The Next One.

It's 1 a.m. and as per normal this week, I'm waiting for my Nerdstar to log on so we can chat. Then I'm going to sleep as much as I can because I need to get up about 9 and drive to Dallas to visit my family for Easter weekend. I decided I'd rather stay Monday for a long weekend than go up there today. When I saw the traffic out there when I went to lunch I realized it was the smart choice.

As for the done stuff, I think I'm going to take a little break from posting until I get back to Austin. Well, you know, unless something really interesting happens, or just happens to cross my mind.

Happy Weekend!

Fluff

It's a cool, cloudy evening, the rain hasn't started yet tonight. I sat out on our tiny back porch for a while until all the damn birds and bugs were louder than my stereo! There were birds chirping at 1:30 in the morning last night - wtf - I thought they were supposed to at least wait until sunrise! Apparently our cats are afraid of birds because not only do they not chase them away, they tend to hide when they hear them outside.

In slightly related news (related in that it's what the birds were drowning out), Joe Satriani's Flying in a Blue Dream is the best cd ever. End of story. Yes, it sounds a little better in warm weather than cold. I know better than to drive to it, the needle would definitely be in the red. One of the best birthday presents ever was when an x friend of mine, John, took me to hear Satriani at the Austin Music Hall about six or seven years ago. Wow. I was standing about ten feet from him watching his fingers fly over his guitar. It was fantastic.

While it's very tempting to write about politics or the new terrorist crap in Iraq, I'm just not going to. I'm at one of those points I'm tired of all of it. Everybody seems to have their minds made up about everything anyway, so why bother. Even with some of my own posts or comments people have left here I could have made it about political issues or points of view, and I'm just not up to it.

Now I'm off to watch lots of baseball. Go Rangers!!

Stuck

I'm in a funk again. It started the other night with a bout of self pity like I haven't felt in a long time. I keep pushing the funk aside and it keeps creeping back in. The IM with Nerdstar last night didn't really help much. I put a tremendous amount of energy not dwelling on how long she's been gone and how much longer we have left apart, and just exactly how much danger she's really in. It's not really a conscious effort.

I was telling Nerdstar last night I feel like I'm in cocoon. I keep trying to break out - thru trying to meet new people, make new friends, getting in touch with old friends, volunteering or even job searching. But I'm stuck. And there's this deep fear that I'm going to stay stuck. I read about people (you know, that blogroll thing over there) who have good jobs and great friends and interesting lives and I think wow, no wonder this blog is boring as hell, my life is boring as hell. I sit around and think all the time but don't really do much.

Thank God the only constant is change and this can't last forever.

Very Scary

It's about 11 pm and as usual this week, I'm waiting for Nerdstar to get computer access so we can IM with our webcams. (Webcams - not just for porn!) Tonight I decided to fire up her iTunes on shuffle and take a listen. Which has resulted in songs by the Dixie Chicks, the Spice Girls, and now Wang Chung assaulting my ears. I can never express just how scary it is my girl has such bad taste in music!!

Pretty Fly for a White...

To say I'm white is an understatement, I glow in the dark! No really! I don't mind being so white, I generally just freckle and sunburn. More accurately, I get one or two decent sunburns a year and the rest of the year avoid them at all costs.

But, today was perfect, and I mean perfect, weather. So I had to go out for a nice little motorcycle ride. It was only for about an hour, but that was long enough to begin to renew my farmers tan. On long rides in the hot summer, I'm usually covered head to toe, helmet, long sleeved t-shirt, jeans, boots, and gloves. Even 50 proof sunscreen isn't enough to save me from the Texas summer sun. It's not too bad riding at 60 miles an hour on some winding two lane highway, but stopping at lights is like sitting in an oven.

This will be my third year riding and I still love it. It's nice to get the bike out and get the feel of it again. Days like today make it so very tempting to just keep riding, east or west, doesn't matter, until I hit the ocean. But I don't have the riding endurance to ride for four or five hours, much less a few days. Riding is a lot different than driving a car, it's a lot more draining. It takes a lot of concentration and energy. There's nothing like it though.

The poor get screwed

I'd hope it's obvious from reading this site that I'm pretty big on responsibility and capitalism. But once again my dealings with Bank of America have reminded me just how often the poor get screwed by businesses and such. It's a topic a friend of mine and I used to talk about all the time, because we were damn poor. I was out of college and working and living here in Austin, had a roommate and trying to make ends meet, yet I still ended up having to sell my plasma on a regular basis for gas and grocery money. This was when I didn't even have a car payment or much else. My friend at one point ended up living in her rented apartment for a couple of weeks without gas or electricity until she could get caught up on her bills.

Where business fuck over poor people is with stupid fees. Which brings me back to Bank of America. Obviously I haven't been working since November, which means I don't have any direct deposit going into my account. So without any notice, they started charging me a $6 a month service fee for the account. Yes, their free checking says it's with direct deposit accounts, I wonder why it took so many months for the charge to kick in. But my point is, why do they charge people without direct deposit - people without a higher class job - a service fee instead of people who have higher class jobs?

And it's like that all over the place.

Not too bad

Thanks so much for all the happy birthday wishes! I got a call from Nerdstar at 4 am to start my day off right!! For whatever reason most of the people she's with don't have access to a phone, so she arranged to borrow the satellite phone from the Air Force guys again. It cracks me up to think of anyone listening in to our sappy little convo over the satellite!

I got to hang with Wendy and her girlfriend this morning for brunch and my parents are on their way down for the night with my nephew. I must be channeling Nerdstar because all I can think about today is how good dinner is going to be, and then even better, Mom's bringing a chocolate cake and I'm going to make homemade vanilla ice cream!

All in all not too bad a day!

Taken Over

Nothing like having a bad mood hijack your brain. The next few days will definitely be better. Today is Nerdstar's birthday - thank you so much to those of you who sent her cards. She said she got a cuban cigar, some cookies, and her Airforce friends took her to dinner. Next year - we're going to have to find someway to do an all out bash for out birthdays!

Lonely Misfit

That pretty much sums up my state of existence tonight. Loneliness that aches has set in. It's made me pissy. I've been yelling at the pets all evening when all they seem to want is to be in actual contact with me.

I'm not sure what's worse, sitting home alone not really putting myself out there and the inevitable loneliness of that, or putting myself out there like I did while volunteering and being lonely in spite of it. I handed out at least fifteen, twenty blog cards and haven't gotten a single email or comment on this site from it. I had lots of decent lengthed conversations, yet it was always me starting them.

I was telling Wendy last night I don't know whether to take it all personally or not. Is it that I'm a complete social reject or is it that people don't generally see past the end of their nose, that people are settled into their own little worlds and aren't looking to branch out.

I don't know. And in some ways it doesn't matter, it's all the same end result, me home alone. I won't even get into the lack of comments on this site again, it's frustrating, but...

sigh

Odds and Ends

It's 7:30 Sunday morning. I can't remember the last time I was up this early without having set the alarm. I was asleep by 9:30 last night and slept pretty well. I had a really long dream with Ani in it last night. I realized I didn't get across the emotional side of meeting her, because I felt silly. But other than being surreal, it was emotional. I walked away with my hands shaking. I didn't think I would. It's been a few years since her music had such an impact, but man, when it did was one of the most intense years of my life. I guess actually talking to her tapped into all that briefly.

Our Little Man is quite the hunter. I can tell it's spring because for the last four mornings I've had to dump his little prey out of their food bowl. One day it was a baby snake, yesterday a little gecko, today a baby bird. Not my favorite way to start the morning.

For those interested, my birthday is Saturday (same as Emily's). My parents and Zachary are coming down for some good bbq and we'll take Zach to the park again. It's so cute. I called home the other night and Mom said she was trying to put his pajamas on him the other night and he said "No, put shirt back on so we can go to B's." He loves coming down here because all we do is have fun! He'll be sad Nerdstar isn't here.

Well, it's time for a shower and breakfast. Today is the first ride of the spring with the Ladies On Wheels motorcycle riding group, I'm looking forward to being out riding today. It's going to be a little overcast, but warm enough.

Sometimes It Pays

Sometimes it pays to do the right thing. All day yesterday I was so tired and burned out on all this volunteering stuff. I had a boring ass shift from 10 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., then worked the movie theater from essentially 4:30 to 11:30. Then this morning I had a volunteer orientation for Habitat for Humanity from 9 to 11 and a boring ass last shift at the convention center from 1 to 6. I wasn't hungry enough for lunch so I decided to go ahead and head to the convention center about 11:30, thinking maybe I'd check out the trade show or something. I wander in, check out the big sign to see what's going on today and there it is...

Interview with Ani Difranco @ 1:30. OMFG!!!

I go check in with the crew chief for today and tell him that I'll do anything if he'll let me sit in on that interview. He laughs and says since I'm there early I can work until the interview starts and then go check it out.

Some lady with Newsweek did the interview, which was pretty forgettable. Ani didn't really say anything in this interview I hadn't heard her say before. But you know what, that doesn't really matter. You know why?

Because when she was done I got her to sign my volunteer badge, I got to show her my "Joyful Girl" tattoo, and tell her thanks for her music and the influence it's had on my life. I also got to tell her I liked her music better before her lyrics got so vague, back when it was more about kicking life's ass instead of about it kicking hers. (Not that I actually said the "back when" part of that sentence!)

Not a bad way to end a week and a half of taxing volunteer work!!

Exhausted

It's midnight Friday night and I'm damn tired. The weather is cool yet very, very humid. I had two volunteer shifts today and man am I about to be burned out. Two good things, I got to see five more movies between last night and tonight. I'll put up links and what I can remember about them tomorrow. The other good thing is I only have one more sucky shift tomorrow and I'm done. I'm overloaded on people and noise. This feast or famine being around people is pretty hard.

I've got some thoughts on the world and my invisibility in it I'll try to write about this weekend as well.

Testing... 1 2 3

Hello? Tap Tap Tap... is this thing on?

If you're looking for my take on Bush's Brain, scroll down.

Today at SXSW marked the end of the interactive conference and the beginning of the music festival. The change was evident just by looking around at the hair and clothes of everyone walking by. Not to mention, band boys have way more skanky girls around than tech boys.

I am so very happy to not have to get up tomorrow morning. I don't have a volunteer shift until 8 pm. Tomorrow is a day of laundry and vacuuming and catching up on web surfing.

I'm really enjoying the work with SXSW. For such a huge undertaking (at least 1200 volunteers), it seems to be running really smoothly. The other volunteers all seem to be pretty nice. Tonight I got to work the registration desk and in two hours checked in people from Melbourne, Sydney, Tokyo, London, Glasgow, NYC, and Nashville. Way cool. It's fun to talk to all of them, even if briefly, about where they're from and to welcome them to my fun little city.

It's also nice to realize I don't hate humanity like I did while I was working my last job.

Saturday

Today ended up being way cooler than I thought it would. It started with a good lunch and then moved to an Austin Film Studio tour. Several years ago when it was clear the airport would be moving from central Austin to farther out, Richard Linklater and other Austin Film Society people got with the city to see about using some of the hangers as film studios. And it actually happened. Anyway, check out their website, lots of great movie stuff going on here in Austin.

Oh how cool - so in checking out their website to link to, I find out Hellboy is going to be premiered here tomorrow at midnight for SXSW. Woohoo!!

I headed over to the convention center for a couple of panels to kill time until the movie. The highlight there was meeting Cory Doctorow of BoingBoing.Net. Nice guy.

I wasn't really impressed with the "Small Media to the Rescue" panel. For one thing, the panel guys weren't really small media and to the extent it was supposed to be at all about blogging, they weren't bloggers either. Jim Moore, author of Bush's Brain - the book behind the film, was there, as was the publisher of Mother Jones and Dan Gilmore of the San Jose Murcury News. Maybe they're using small to mean alternative. They talked a little about ads and blogs as a revenue source, nothing new there. Dan Gilmore mentioned that having libel insurance is a good idea. Moore ranted about Drudge and is evidently a big believer in the vast right wing conspiracy. Which is laughable in the face of the liberal tone of the whole conference I've mentioned.

Finally, it was off to the world premier of Bush's Brain. The 1200 seat theater was packed and there's no telling how many people were turned away. All I can say it that I was totally unimpressed. My biggest impression is that it's all a bunch of sour grapes. Karl Rove has evidently been in politics for at least 30 years. So the authors and film makers were able to interview people from over the years who lost to Rove because of Rove's dirty tricks and unwavering desire to win. Hmmm. Just how hard would it be to get on tape the enemies of any person who has been in politics that long? Not very. When Molly Ivins is one of the interviewees in the film you lose major credibility in my book right off the bat.

The one part of the film that really pissed me off was they went out and found a Vietnam veteran who had adopted a boy who had enlisted in the Marines and was one of the first soldiers who died in Iraq last year. They interviewed his adopted parents and wife. There was no connection to Rove at all in this part of the film, just some statement that Republicans are elitist who don't care that soldiers die as a result of their eevvviillll policies. It was cheap and if Republicans used such material the liberals would be livid.

The audience loved the film. The producers said they don't have distribution for it yet, I'll be interested to see if they get it. About 1/3 of the movie is about Texas politics in the 80s, not very interesting really. They don't cover Florida in 2000 at all. They bring up Joe (?) Wilson and Valerie Plame, but we all know that's still unresolved. I just didn't hear anything in the film that was "ooooohhhh" worthy.

The best part of my day was standing in line before the film with a man named Mark. He's a New Yorker down for the interactive part of the festival. We talked a little about 9/11, his family, his job, stocks, movies, the future of the music industry and so on. Nothing beats a fantastic conversation with a stranger. Hi Mark - hope you have fun in Austin and have a safe trip back home!

Odd Man Out

So far my volunteer duties have been pretty uneventful. Last night all 1200 volunteers were in one huge room stuffing "promotional" bags for conference registrants. Thankfully I had a funny young woman standing next to me to make the two and a half hours go faster. There were long tables set up, people standing at the tables handing out the materials as all the other volunteers walked by with bags open. Can you believe no one thought to say "trick or treat"? I mean, you're carrying a bag and getting stuff, what else do you say?? I said it to a few people and they just laughed. Then I realized the power we had to start rumors, but we couldn't think of any good ones. It was also tempting to start that game where you start with a sentence and everyone whispers it to the next person and you see how much it changes by the end. I joked that if we started with a really mean sentence about Bush it might just end up convoluted enough to be a positive one.

That said, I swear I'm the only non-flaming liberal at the whole conference. The films, the interactive panel speakers, the volunteers - all really liberal. They're premiering Bush's Brain at the festival. The local radio station had the film makers on this morning talking with them. It was all about how eeevvvvillll Karl Rove is. Maybe he is, but I don't see a documentary about Terry McAullif (however you spell it) and his dirty tricks.

And why is that? Where are the conservative documentary makers?

No one I've talked with or listened to really seems to get that it could very easily be a subway train in any US city instead of in Spain that had close to 200 dead and over a 1000 injured. They just don't get that there are concrete reasons the bombs are going off "over there" instead of here.

Anyway. I might check out a movie tonight, maybe even watch Bush's Brain tomorrow, then the real fun is Sunday with all the interactive panels.

SXSW

I've mentioned that I'm going to do a ton of volunteer hours for SXSW starting the 11th of March. What I get in return for those hours in an all access pass to both the Interactive Conference and the Film Festival. Any time I'm not working I'm free to sit in on any of the events or films. To see just how cool that is, check out the Sunday lineup for the Interactive Panels - Virginia Postrel, Joe Tripi, Zack Exley of MoveOn.Org. Others who will be here during the week are Corty Doctorow and Joi Ito, I'm not sure when they're speaking. I'll definitely be sitting in on all of Sunday's events and blogging as long as my laptop battery allows and then taking notes by hand for the rest.

So, if any of you are coming to my dear little city for SXSW or know someone who is, and needs a place to crash or a restaurant suggestion or driving directions - let me know!

Break from the Whirlwind

We got up this morning intending to head back to Austin fairly early, but poor Zachary was throwing up and couldn't go to school, so we stayed with him until my Mom came home at noon. It was nice to spend a little more time with him!

The weather today was just perfect. It feels good to have February over. With the beginning of each new month it just feels like that much closer to me having Nerdstar home for good.

We've had to do some compromising on her spending time with her family. She rented a car this afternoon and went ahead and drove to Houston with Ramen. Her sister flies into Houston late tomorrow night. We knew things would be crazy there until Wednesday, so I'm going to drive to Houston Wednesday afternoon and stay in a hotel. She'll spend the afternoons and evenings with her family and then come snuggle with me overnight. We're going to come back to Austin Friday night, probably late, and then she doesn't fly out of Austin until Monday morning.

Yes, it's all crazy. And I've made her swear up and down that once she's home from Iraq she's going to make her family treat me better. It's just too big a battle to try to wage in this short time that she's home on leave.

We've spent many hours this last week talking about all of it. It's so hard to understand, much less explain, about her family and their attitude towards our relationship. In the past year it went from grudingly accepting to hoping that if they don't have to see me it won't exist. It's partly cultural, maybe partly religious, partly who knows what.

Nerdstar would be perfectly happy to not talk to anyone in her family but her grandparents and sister, but with a family that's all into each other's lives that's just not going to happen.

Good evening

We took it easy today, as we had done since this past Sunday, and it's just great for us, especially for me!

We went to Pappadeux's for lunch, and it was during business lunch time, so there were lots of men and women dressed in business suits and looking somewhat serious. Looking at them while waiting for seating, I thought about how weird, maybe even diffucult it would be for me to just jump back into the real world, doing real work. I haven't really thought way too much about what life would be like after I'd come back from Iraq. I just wanted to make it back safe and in one piece, but if you wanted to know what idea I was tinkering with, I'd like to goto occupational therapy school.

I also found out that, despite of all the bad luck that we've had since we started to live in Austin, I am still pretty "cool" about staying here as a resident, I just don't want to work in this city.

We purchased a iPod mini today, and so far, we've downloaded about 7 hours of songs on it already! I don't need to fuss with all those CDs anymore!...well, at least until the thing dies.

Saw "50 First Dates" at Alamo Drafthouse, it's a pretty neat place where you can order stuff to eat while watching a movie. They're pretty eclectic in their movie selections. I'm not the biggest Adam Sandler or Drew Barrymore fan, but since I'm a tacky person, I like any movies with 80's music as soundtraks! I won't spill any details of the movie, but I will say that sometimes, having a little bit of amnesia can be a good thing! One of our friends came with us, and it was a good evening.

Beth has been so very great with me, and have been more understanding than wifely possible, after almost 5 years together, I can't imagine being without her and the kids!

She tolerates my shortcomings and my tacky movie and musical taste, just for that, I couldn't ask for anyone better!

Going Girly

Today it's a haircut for Nerdstar and facials for us both. Neither of us have ever had one, so this will be cool. Then tomorrow we're both getting hour long massages :-) Life is good! We're just not going to mention the few pounds I'll probably gain this week from all the good food.

Very Nice!

It's so nice having my Nerdstar home!! It's great to not have to worry about her and how she's doing and if she's safe, to not have to wonder when I get to hear from her again. My mind can finally relax.

This week is all about food and sex and sleep. We'll hit all our favorite restaurants, do some shopping, maybe catch a movie, mostly relax.

Next week is all about family. Saturday we'll head up to Dallas to spend a couple of days with my family. Then Monday we drive to Houston to see her family. I think we've worked out the time with her family. Her uncle had requested that I not stay the nights at her grandparents' house. I would just send her down there by herself if it was only for a couple of days, but they really want her there as long as possible. I told her I couldn't give up that many nights of snuggling when it's going to be so very long until we see each other again. So we're going to get a hotel room and she's going to spend the days with her family and I get her at night. I'll probably spend one day with her and her family, but that'll be about it.

Yes, it's all kinda crazy. I try to be understanding about how her family feels. But it's always hard to have your relationship so disregarded. Poor Nerdstar always feels caught in the middle, and I hate that. But, this two weeks is all about my girl being happy, so whatever that takes I'll do.

Waiting and More Waiting

Damn, could this day be any longer?? I didn't sleep well last night in spite of taking tylenol pm to do just that. I tossed and turned all night. Which also means I didn't burn a few hours of waiting by sleeping late this morning.

I dropped Ramen off for a bath so he won't smell like a wet dog when Nerdstar hugs on him. Then I had a short meeting for my SXSW volunteer stuff. Throw in lunch and I think I killed maybe two and a half hours. Showtime is running a Soul Food marathon which is holding about 40% of my attention.

At least I haven't obessively watched the news all day making sure there weren't any plane crashes.

And to make it all worse, instead of having a happy anticipatory brian, I've got a neurotic dickhead brain that keeps running thru ideas of all the ways the next two weeks can go badly. (Most of those have to do with dealing with her family, which I don't really want to go into yet.)

UGH! Abby asked what first - I have a feeling a shower will be the first order of things. When I talked to her on the phone last, she hadn't showered two days. Then probably food. Then, well... I'll let you know :-)

Very Nice!

There's not much that beats getting really good mail. I came home tonight to a letter from Nerdstar and some pictures she has taken over there! She's so cute!!!

Then, one of my dear readers sent Nerdstar and I the South Park movie on dvd. Thank you so very much! I had ordered her the first and second season dvds to take back with her after this two week break and now she'll have the movie, too!

It's good to be back home even if all I can see when I look around is all the cleaning I need to do before Nerdstar's plane lands in Dallas.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Damn!! We have the most beautiful big fat white snowflakes I've seen in my 8 years in Austin and my stupid digitial camera won't upload the pics!! GGrrrrrr.

Yes, it really is almost 3 am. Because if I wait until morning it'll probably all be melted already! (The high tomorrow is supposed to be 51.)

I took Ramen out to run around in it. I think he was just happy to not be indoors. Some neighbors a couple of duplexs over were outside with their dog, too. Kinda surreal to be outside at 2 a.m. in the pouring SNOW in Austin. I love it!

I know, I know. Most of you are sick to death of snow and winter, indulge me.

Still Boring

Once again I find that a boring life makes for a boring blog. Sorry dear readers!

The highlight of my day was finally getting my taxes done. I knew I'd be getting a refund, and I need the money. Now I just have to decide what takes priority, probably getting my motorcycle fixed. Very soon the weather will be perfect for long afternoon rides!

On a good note, things are boring for Nerdstar, too!! She's back to working over night "babysitting the radio and the weapons." Her roommate is being a floozy, so Nerdstar says it's just as well she's working nights. At least the airforce guys are being nice and checking on her throughout the night. From what she's said Airforce guys are the nicest. I wonder why.

I finally got smart and figured out a good alternative to those fake chew bones for Ramen, I picked up a package of beef soup bones. I boiled them and gave him one. It's kept him very busy and is lasting much, much longer.

Austin Icon

I'm finding it more and more interesting to go out to the bar by myself. I don't usually drink and I get there before there's a cover charge, so it's cheaper entertainment than going to a movie! What's interesting about not drinking is when people come over and talk to you, they all want to buy you a drink.

Last night there wasn't a huge crowd so I was sitting at a little table where I could watch basketball on a big screen tv and watch everyone come to the upstairs bar. This older man with scraggly hair, mustache and beard wearing a women's blouse, skirt, pantyhose and heals comes in. My only thought was, why would anyone who doesn't have to wear pantyhose? Then this lady asks if she can share the ashtray and set her drink down for a few minutes. Sure, I say. She introduces herself and the scraggly man. Turns out he's none other that Austin's notorious icon Leslie. What a riot! He kept telling me very amusing, very dirty jokes, and all about the first time he was picked up by a drag queen.

I find the less you talk, the more strange the things are people in a bar will tell you.

Never Happy

I've been out of the house more than usual the past 24 hours and now I feel like I'm behind on my tv watching.

Last night the rain cleared in time for me to head out to the same new gay/lesbian club I was at last week. Two quick observations: way too many lesbians are shaped like weebles and the better looking you are, the later you arrive at the club.

I snuck into some event on one side of the club where a lot of nonprofit orgs had tables set up. There was some sort of voting system and the two top vote getting orgs get proceeds of something or other this year. (Yes, I'm a very bad blogger and didn't get every last detail.) The way to sneak into someplace is just keep walking like you're supposed to be there. Crowded hallways are very helpful.

I did meet a very nice lesbian couple and spent the evening talking with them. Hopefully we'll hang out again sometime. I also think I've ran into almost every lesbian I've ever known in this city (which is maybe four). It's cool to finally have a decent lesbian club in this city! I think they were smart to premier The L Word last week and draw in a normally non club going crowd. Then the event last night did the same. Somebody got smart.

Today I spent a couple of hours signing up for 50 hours of volunteer work during SXSW March 11 - 20th. I've been to a few random concerts or events in the past few years, but never really put a lot of time into SXSW. I'll be doing things from driving people around in a van to taking tickets at film premiers to checking to make sure people really have access to get where they're trying to go. All of this should get me an all access pass to the film and interactive parts of the festival. Which means I'll be at the Bloggies. It should be a fun time people watching if nothing else. Nothing like a lot of people in one place who all think they're way more important than they are.

Now I'm all settled in to watch the Golden Globes and the second episode of The L Word.

Friday Night Rambling

It's my blog and I'm ramble if I want to. Seems to be my latest Friday night trend anyway.

It's 12:34 a.m. I look at the clock at 12:34 day and night all the time. Have for years. I think it's cool.

Pets have no concept of "I'm busy" or "you're in my way".

I love the commentaries on dvds. I love hearing all the hows and whys of making movies and tv shows. It's tedious work. Some film that I don't think ever made it even to video spent about eight hours filming in the restaurant I worked in a few years ago. I hung out to watch for a while, and even got to be an extra for five seconds of film time. It got to be boring to watch them shoot the same scene from twenty different camera angles. By the end of the shoot I knew all the dialogue.

While I'm very happy to be able to communicate with Nerdstar on a regular basis, (that's why I'm up late - hoping to being able to IM with her again) I'm still sick to death of not having a good friend to hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. I've ran into old friends and met new people, but then I never hear from them.

I called the temp agency today to see if they had anything for next week. The lady kindly informed me that I hadn't been updated in the system as available. Uh... hello? I sent in my resume almost two weeks ago and confirmed that they received it. What did the woman do with it - file it away and forget about it? UGH! I'll probably call back on Monday and make sure everything is in order.

It just started raining. It's supposed to rain all day tomorrow. Then sunshine on Sunday. I think I'm ready for spring. The weather has been just cold and windy enough, or rainy enough, to prevent me from piling Ramen in the car and driving to a park and walking around. I have a feeling I'm going to be very tempted to do road trips this spring. Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere in particular to go.

My life feels very surreal. I know this won't last, but...

Smoke

The universe is apparently quite content that my house stay messy in spite of me having all the time in the world to keep it clean.

One of my houseshoes got soaked yesterday trying to get the water out of the dog crate in the back yard. This means I've had to walk barefooted on our carpet for over 24 hours. Two cats and a dog mean that there is probably enough fur in the carpet for another small cat. Enough is enough.

I clear the floors, get out the vacuum cleaner, spread the nice smelling powder all over the floor and get to work. Halfway thru there's an icky smell coming from the vacuum. I stop it, try to check it out, and start it up again. Then there's these nice little whisps of smoke coming from it.

I'll be heading to walmart to get a new vacuum cleaner tomorrow. Smoke and cleaning powder smells don't really mix very well.

Not fun!

Another Pity Party

Why are the words should and supposed to so damn hard to get out of my head? Who the hell put them there anyway? I started trying to get rid of them about six years ago. No luck so far.

I had a job interview today. I applied last week at a couple of restaurants. The one that called is a really cool, hip tex-mex place close to home. In the year Nerdstar was laid off several times, that's usually the place everyone would gather. They have great margaritas. It's just a hostess job. I found out it pays just over half of what I was making. And trust me, I wasn't making much in my last job. I didn't get the job today. Two other people were further along in the interview process and they had to fill it today. But, the lady liked me and said if anything comes open in the next week or two she'd call.

But I've spent the afternoon feeling bad because I want a job that pays so little. Sure, it would cover my bills, and really that's all I need. The main reason to work while Nerdstar is gone is to have fun and pass the time. And I think working at this place, or one like it, would do that. So why does it matter so much that the pay is so bad? Why do I have to console myself that I'm sure I'd get promoted to waitress or even better in no time? Why is it about money when it doesn't have to be about money at all??

It's been raining for three days. The pets are driving my crazy. We're all going stir crazy. I need to get out of the house and go have some fun - but how can I have fun when no matter what I do it's not fun because Nerdstar isn't here.

I'm getting tired of my own company. How pathetic is that?

Simple Life

I wrote earlier that life is about relationships, not money. For me, life has always been about relationships. There’s nothing I’d rather spend time doing than talking with people, friends in particular, but strangers will do. I figure if there is an “afterlife” the only thing we have any chance of taking with us are the relationships we’ve made here on earth.

But so often to we sacrifice relationships for money. We don't think that's what we're doing, but that's the bottom line. We spend all of our time and energy working and then put our leftover shelves into family and friends. And we wonder why our relationships are so unsatisfying.

This is part of my internal battle on what to do with my life. How ambitious am I? What do I need in this life to be happy? A house? A car? A motorcycle? A 64 inch plasma tv. 100 dvds? 200 cds? And then what kind of job and salary do I need to pay for these things? It’s not really all that complicated while it’s just Nerdstar and I. We work, we hang out, we take decent vacations. We don’t need much, really. But we talk a lot about bringing kids into the picture.

I know for a lot of people kids really change the picture. Kids mean the right house, in the right school district - which aren’t usually the cheap houses. Which means being locked into both parents working too much. And I don’t want that life. It’s tempting as hell. And watching tv only makes it more tempting. Listening to new parents makes it all more tempting.

We’ve gone back and forth on which one of us will work and which one will stay home with the kids, on who can find the better paying job. And I’m not convinced I want to send my kids to school instead of home schooling them, so I’m not worried about finding the right school district. So why does the simple life seem like a failure?

Random

It's very weird having nothing to write about. Weird that my brain is slowing down, calming down, and isn't racing thinking about a million things at once.

Well, I am sick to death of hearing about politics and November is a long ways off. The whole process is silly at best. There's nothing real about it. I'm going to have to find a way to tune it all out. Which is weird, because the last three years have taught us how important it is who is president. But they haven't brought honesty to the process. Anyway.

I watched the first episode of The Apprentice. What I find interesting is the differences in the way the men's team does things and the way the women's team does. The women really were much more emotional, but they also got the job done. We'll see if getting the job done changes when it's not a job they can rely on sex appeal. It also just reaffirms that I am not an ambitious person. Life is about relationships, not money.

I recorded the French movie trilogy Blue, White and Red last weekend and have watched Blue and White. It's always nice to watch foreign films. I'm also re-watching Noir. This time I'm watching it dubbed in English instead of in Japanese with English subtitles. They give a lot more info in the dubbed version, and I'm catching more things now that I'm not having to read all the time. Over the weekend I also re-watched the first season of the original BBC version of Coupling with Wendy. That was fun because she hadn't seen them.

So I've been pretty international lately.

Other than that it's dishes and laundry and walking the dog.

Oh, and missing my girl. A lot.

Nice Surprise

In this oh so busy life of mine these days, the biggest decision I make most days is where to eat lunch. Today was a Chick Fil A day for no particular reason. They have a playscape for kids and I like watching the kids play while I eat.

That's what I'm doing when I look up and see an old friend of mine I've been dying to get in touch with. I've tried to get her phone number from mutual friends but had no luck. She was a really good friend back in my church going days here in Austin. We lost touch a couple of years ago and I've really missed her. It was nice to sit and talk for a while and get caught up.

Here's to really nice suprises in this crazy life!!

Out of the House

Dear readers, you should all be impressed. I've actually gotten out of the house two nights in a row! Yes, it's cold outside, but I don't think hell has frozen over just yet.

Last night Wendy and I went to hear a local band play. The sound system sucked, but it was still pretty good. I got there early, and partly because of the weather, there weren't too many people at the club yet. I sat and watched the lights and listened to the music the dj was spinning and wished like hell I was high. Oh well.

Tonight the Austin Gay/Lesbian Film Festival folks screened seven short films at a new theater close to my house that shows a lot of independent films. They were mostly really well done.

The interesting part was, just having finished watching season 5 of Buffy, it was fun to watch Clare Kramer who plays Glory in this short film about girl spys and guns. Oddly enough, Melissa Ethridge's new girl is in it, too. (I didn't know that, but Wendy did.)

I also managed to primer most of the new shelves and I was right, the dvd cases won't fit on the second shelf. I'm going to try lowering the shelf with a hammer, but I might have to get out my handy little electric sander and sand it down about 1/8th of an inch. More fun for tomorrow while it rains!

Random

I have rediscovered what every teenager instinctively knows - the theraputic value of very loud rock music. Audioslave to be specific. The pets aren't sure what to make of it. I'm sure my neighbor is overjoyed. He apparently travels for work and I never know if he's in town or not. So, hopefully he's not around when I'm being loud. So far it's been early evening loud hours, not middle of the night loud hours. Even if he is annoyed, it's all his fault I had to have the carpet replaced, which means I would have very little sympathy.

I'm sad. My motorcycle won't start, I think it might be the starter. It's been a good few days for riding. I'm in shorts and a t-shirt. I'll probably wait until March or so to get it fixed. The problem then will be I'll be tempted to just get a new one instead!

I have definitely decided that if I'm ever in solitary confinement, and there's absolutely no other way to kill myself, I'll simply chew thru my wrists. I can not imagine being in a small space with nothing to distract me from my self and not going completely insane. I'm having a hard enough time not feeling crazy in the middle of the night.

I was nice and took Ramen to the park today. Unfortunately, he got all wet and now smells like a wet dog. I'll have to get him bathed very soon. There were two dogs close to his size playing. One had the other on it's back, using him as a chew toy. Ramen decided to play guardian of the submissive dog and kept barking at the other one and trying to make it play nice. Weird.

Nerdstar was very, very sweet and bought me the Noir Soundtrack Vol 2 as part of my Christmas. I got it the other day. I love it. It's some very beautiful music. That made me go and find Vol. 1 for sale online. Now I can't wait for it to get here. It's also made me want to watch the series again. First I have to finish Buffy!

I need to mop the kitchen floor, but I just don't want to.

Ouch

I've always been a mental masochist (that was second choice for the name of this blog), but apparently, in the last two days I've crossed over into being a physical one as well. I should not be sweating this much in January. Oh wait, it was 73 with 87% humidity today. UGH! I have sore butt muscles - wtf?

What's causing all this you ask. Why, my driving desire for new shelves, for a project to take up some time. What I can't figure out is why I felt the need to build them instead of just buying some. Then again, most of the ones you buy have to be assembled, too. But I'm sure at least I wouldn't have 100 very crooked nails all over the place. Nine shelves, two nails each side, eighteen total nails need. Thank god they came in a package of 150!

I started the shelves yesterday. Me, eleven pieces of wood, two of which are taller than me, a package of nails and a hammer. I keep it simple, no fancy woodwork, just line up the boards, make sure they're level, and hammer in the nails. Level was the tricky part. I had something resembling shelves when I went to bed last night, pretty much knowing I'd have to disassemble the whole mess and start over. I added a ruler to the mix and things worked much better. They're not even wobbly anymore!

I still haven't decided on a paint color. I'm not sure I am brave enough to do red. Maybe a nice silvery grey. I've mostly tried to stick with the colors in the painting over the fireplace. I'm also afraid to paint them. The top two shelves are for dvds. Right now, they fit in there very, very snuggly. I'm afraid they won't fit after the paint dries! And I'm still tempted to put a back on them instead of just leaving them open.

Shelves

First

Last night was uneventful. I decided to stay home and be safe and alone instead of out with drunk drivers and alone. I watched Princess Mononoke and wasn't terribly impressed. Maybe I'll like it better in Japanese instead of dubbed. I also started on the new set of shelves. That was a disaster. This morning I had to unassemble them and start over. Nails are trickier than they should be!!

I had a breakdown about 1 am. So many fears and doubts, so much loneliness, and the overwhelming amount of time between now and November - the likeliest return date for Nerdstar.

Today is more calm. A day of cleaning and hoping. I finally got an email from Nerdstar this morning. Her unit is going to be moving to Mosul, but they haven't moved the current troops out of there yet so hers can move in. You know, small details the Army isn't always good at.

Good Riddance

Obviously, like so many others, I'm more than happy to see the end of 2003. It seems to have been a year of heartache for so many people I know. Unfortunately, the stroke of midnight is not a magic wand that will bring my Nerdstar home to me at once and clue us in as to what comes next.

Nerdstar's unit has been moving to a new camp for the past few days; I haven't heard from her since a very short email on Sunday. I have no idea where she is, how she is, or what her New Year's Eve was like.

2004 is going to be a very long year for us. It's hard to hope when life hasn't been known to play nice and when every day holds the potential for real danger.

But, I have to hope 2004 will end a hell of a lot better than it's going to begin.

Here's to a year of improvement in all things.

Home Improvement

I hate the previous entry, and am tempted as hell to just delete it. But, that doesn't seem right either.

Anyway...

When I was a little kid, my Dad built me a great set of bookshelves the white ones. I've always liked that they aren't just nice even shelves.

Three or four years ago, when we got a new tv, I decided to build an "entertainment center" to hold it and the stereo and speakers and such. I just didn't like the ones I saw in the stores, or refused to spend the amount of money some of them cost. If I had them to build again, I'd do a few things differently, but they'll do until we get a house! I also built the black bookshelves when I started running out of room on the white ones. I'm still out of room for books, but they can stay in piles for now.

Now that I've got a nice little dvd collection going on, the cds are all stacked on the floor and I'm running out of room on the entertainment center. So I'm thinking it's time to build a nice little set of shelves to hold the cds, Disney videos, and leftover dvds.

As you can tell, there's not a lot of color in the living room, so I'm thinking the new shelves will be some nice shade of red. They're going to 5 ft. tall and 2 ft. wide, 6 inches deep with 6 shelves just the right height for whatever that shelf is going to hold. It's a decent project to keep me busy these last few days before I have to get serious about earning some money!

Pity Party

Have you ever gone days without talking to anyone other than the waitress where you had lunch, or the cashier at the store you shopped at? I have rather a lot lately. I could do it indefinitely due to current circumstances. Usually, after a day or two, I'll pick up the phone and call someone just to have even a short conversation in order to feel normal and even remotely connected to the rest of the world, not just the world in my head.

Most of my interaction with the few friends I have is done thru email or IMs. Two of the four people I communicate with on a regular basis, other than my parents and Nerdstar, live outside the U.S.

So this blog is important to me in terms of feeling connected. I know I have a handful of regular readers, and appreciate that more than you can imagine. But, as I've said before on here, it's too hard feeling like I'm talking to an empty room when there are no comments here. It just makes me feel more isolated.

I hate even writing about this. But what's the point of this site if I can't be honest?

In a Funk

Yes, yes I am.

Ramen and I made it safely back to Austin this afternoon. That's a good thing. And I have a new desk chair and it is much more comfy. That's a good thing. I have several new dvds to watch, and a new book to read. Those are good things.

And yet, I'm in a total funk. Total. Funk. Clouds of darkness in and around my head.

After...

The kid loves to open packages! This Christmas was all about trains and hot wheels. Two hot wheels carrying cases and at least two different kinds of trains. I moved my parents into modern times a little by getting them a dvd player. It was christened with Finding Nemo. I think Zach will like it a lot eventually, there were just too many new toys to play with to sit still.

So now the food's all eaten, the new toys all played with, and if it were up to me, the beds wouldn't be empty!

Blogging and reading blogs at my parents' house is a little tricky. I certainly don't want my family to read this site (somehow it's just a little more info than I want them to have), which is easy to achieve seeing as they don't even have a computer in the house. But, when I've got the laptop with me and the easiest place to set it up is in the living room on the foot stool in front of the big cozy chair, naturally, they want to know what I'm reading. Uh, nope.

My best gift today was a phone call from Nerdstar. She said the food was good, but she didn't get a shower. I'm sure she'd rather have a good meal than a shower anyway! All we can really say is that next Christmas has to be better!!

Loneliness

The holidays are supposed to be the worst time for those who are lonely. Amen to that! I have a feeling it's being helped by pms, but damn is loneliness setting in hard. I've had a lot of fun having Zachary around. He is truly a bundle of sunshine. To see his cute little face as we're going to sleep and he looks over at me, grins his cute little grin and says "hug" and wraps his arm around me - wow. Or when he wakes up in the morning and says "B, wake up" with that same huge grin. Those moments are what life should be made of.

But having him here these few days, and taking him to eat and seeing all the families doing dinner in the midst of all the seasonal insanity, well, it just makes me so much more aware that we don't have kids yet, and we can't even begin to try again until Nerdstar finally makes it home. And it makes me feel old and alone.

Heading back to my parents' house tomorrow might do a lot to increase the noise level in my life, but it doesn't always do much to ease the loneliness.

And if I'm feeling this sad and lonely, well hell, how much worse must Nerdstar feel, being truly alone and far from home and family.

So if you get a chance in the next couple of days, email her and let her know she's in your thoughts. It means a lot to both of us.

Still Boring

Who knew that lowering my stress would cause such complete boring crap with my blog? You'd think with all this free time I could come up with many fantastic things to wax philosophical about or at least write better embellishments of my boring days. But, nope.

The highlights of today are walking the dog and going to the grocery store so I can buy chocolate chips to make cookies with. Yep, I'm down to baking to pass the time.

I'm not complaining. I'm a little on the lonely side, I worry about Nerdstar pretty constantly, but other than that I'm much better than I was a month ago.

To give you a feel for my state of mind, my three favorite songs are Stand Up by Ludacris, I Love The Way You Move by Outkast, and Milkshake by what's her name. Why? Because they all have a fantastic beat and they make me smile. For once in my down time, I'm not being overly serious. Trust me, I can be way too serious for my own good.

I'm reading Does She or Doesn't She. It's a fun read so far. I plan on re-watching the Noir series, this time probably dubbed in English instead of in Japanese with subtitles. Tonight is also Survivor and ER.

Gosh, maybe I'm busier than I thought. LOL

Massage

If you've never had a full body massage, I can't recommend one enough!! I just got home from one and it's just amazing. I had sore muscles in places I didn't even know there were muscles. I know stress takes a terrible toll on our bodies, that's part of why I got this massage today. Not only does my body feel a million times better, my mind and spirit do to. It's an odd mix of really intimate and yet impersonal. I am awed by the young woman's ability to not only work out the junk in my muscles, but to also in some way impart a real sense of peace and calm. Something I really needed today. What an amazing gift.

Yes I did

Yes, I changed the colors. It's not great, but maybe it's easier to read. This is what you get from a person of limited coding skills! If I could make only one improvement - it would be to have a really cool font for the title. But I can't seem to find a listing of fonts that show what they look like.

In other news, it was a nice, lazy Sunday. I went to church and ran into an old friend from college. Hopefully we can meet up for lunch soon. I also managed to put away some more of the books and dvds. Ran across an old hand written journal from five years ago. Amusing stuff! I walked the dog. Very exciting life these days. Actually, all the excitment is in my head and not finding it's way out too much yet.

Saturday

It's a good thing I've lowered my stress, my home was disassembled today and now I get to put it all back together. The carpet was finally replaced after being flooded five weeks ago.

The landlady called at 9:15 and said they could do it today or tomorrow. Today was good for me. I got to pretend I'm all cool and hip. I finally took the laptop down to my favorite cafe and had breakfast and finally tried out this new fangled thing called wifi. Let me say, it's damn cool! Then, in the middle of my web surfing in public, the cell phone rings. Now, the only reason I have a cell phone is because Nerdstar already had it and sent it to me before she left. I don't want her to have to worry about getting a hold of me whenever she gets a chance to call. I can have the cell phone with me 24/7. And, call she did this morning. Made my day I tell ya. But it was still hard not to feel pretentious sitting there with my laptop and cell phone.

I also went to see Love Actually today. It made me laugh and cry - although I cry very, very easily. Very sweet movie. Although, the opening totally reminds me of Ani's song Arrivals Gate.

Now I'm home, the pets are all freaked out by the smell and things being slightly out of place. I have to put all of my books, cds and dvds back on the shelves and a few other things back where they belong. Nothing major and I'm in no hurry. Maybe I'll just leave the stereo on and light a fire in the fireplace.

Good day

Life is good and boring, so I haven't had much to write about.

I spent several hours today helping this organization fold letters for a mass mail out. It was good to do something mindless yet helpful. I'll spend a few more hours there tomorrow. It was also a very good reminder to not take good health for granted. It's one of the biggest blessings in this life.

The highlight of my day was getting a snail mail letter from Nerdstar. Even though it was written about a week ago, it makes me feel closer to her, seeing her handwriting.

Life is much, much better when there's no deadlines for anything, no timeframe to put things in. It makes everything from traffic to standing in line a ton less stressful. And less stress is what it's all about for now.

More on Kids

I was going to leave a comment in the post below to answer Emmie's comment, but then it got kinda long, figured I'd just write a new post.

Before I found out I couldn't get pregnant (about a year or so ago), I was going to have a baby that looked like me, then Nerdstar was going to have a baby that looked like her, and if we had more, we'd mix it up. Yes, I was being selfish and wanted a little girl that looked just like me.

The month she found out she was being called to active duty was the month she was going to try to get pregnant for the first time. Obviously, that's been postponed until she gets home. I've told her that she can choose whatever type of sperm she wants. Neither of us will care one bit what our kids look like. By the time we actually have any they could be blue and orange and we wouldn't care. Fortunately, even my parents don't seem to care - they just want more grandchildren any way they can get them!

It's fun to watch people when she and I go out with my nephew Zachary and she's the one carrying him or holding his hand as they walk and I'm walking behind them - people usually look at them kinda funny, look around and see me, then you can see them thinking "oh, ok." And this is in the liberal city of Austin, not small town Texas.

I know there are tons of interracial people out there, one of my good friends is Scottish/Chinese. We'd be thrilled if our daughter turned out as pretty as she is. (hi Dawn!) I just worry about all the "stupid baggage" our kids will be carrying around as kids of an interracial lesbian couple. I joke around that I won't be saving for their college, I'll be saving for their therapy - there are scholarships for college :-) If you want to know why I worry, well, read the comments on any gay parents news story over on Lucianne sometime.

Strange Times

I'm finding myself in a place in life I've never been before. I'm unemployed by choice and not really in any hurry to find a job. In fact, I don't think I can really seek out the ideal full time job this coming year because there are about six weeks I'll want to take off next year, not including the month I'll want to take once Nerdstar comes home from Iraq for good.

I don't really need any income for at least two months. And, if I decide to not work at all until Nerdstar comes home, her income is more than sufficient. I don't want to use her incredibly hard earned income for a life of ease though. That just doesn't seem right! I went ahead and applied for unemployment to buy me some time, I'm not sure it will be approved, but we'll see.

So, it appears I'm pretty much free to spend my time as I like for the forseeable future. But, I will be bored out of my skull soon if there is nothing more to do than watch tv, blog, walk the dog and eat. Two things I can always fall back on are substitute teaching and temp work. But, I probably won't look into those until after the first of the year.

Tomorrow I'm going to contact AIDS Services of Austin and Out Youth and see if they can use any office type help for the next couple of weeks.

The weekend before Christmas I'm probably going to go get Zachary and bring him back to Austin to get him out of the way. I just can't tell you how much I love spending time with this kid.

So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to fill up the coming year, or how to get a job that will be relatively stress free, let me take a hell of a lot of time off, I'm all ears!!

Indulge me my rambling

What is it about being back at home that’s always so weird? It’s not that anything is really the same, the landscape certainly changes, both literally and figuratively. My parents have lived in this house since I was five years old. But it doesn’t really feel like the same house from my childhood. In fact, my old room is now my brother’s room. And I sleep in my brother’s old room which is now Zachary’s room. I’ve spent a lot of time fighting and mostly defeating all the old demons of childhood. It didn’t even cost me thousands in therapy, it was mostly done during my church going days with the help of God and good friends.

But driving from Grand Prairie to Ft. Worth this afternoon brought back more than a few memories.

My senior year in high school, when dating my first girlfriend, she was going to college over in Ft. Worth. And although it was only about a 35 minute drive, it was a long distance phone call. (It irks me to no end all the *&^#@& money I’ve spent on long distance phone calls in my life so far, only to have the concept of long distance basically vanish in the face of the internet and cell phones!)

Anyway, I’d make that drive every Friday and Saturday night my senior year I’d make that drive. The most vivid memory, naturally, is the one of the night it was raining so hard there were only a dozen cars on the highway with me and I couldn’t see five feet in front of me. We were young and crazy and in love.

I guess that’s always the craziest part of being young and in love – finding ways to be together. I remember when the movie Tootsie came out and my best friend and I joked around about being gay and how much easier it would be, because we could spend the night with our “girlfriends” but not our “boyfriends.” Sure enough, until my parents got a clue, my first girlfriend and I got to spend more than a few nights together.

I could write a short novel about the three years we spent together, and the brief affair we had years later. But, I won’t.

I also saw a sign for the road where I took my Camaro out not long after I got it and knew I had just enough of a stretch of two lane road before it curved to see just how fast it would go. I hit about 100 before I had to hit the brakes.

I think the reason we love cars so damn much is because they give us the first real freedom we have in life. But they also give us our own sense of space. Even more than my own room, sitting in my car I knew it was mine, all mine, and only mine. I had complete control over who was in it and what went on in it.

But even more recent than high school has hit me today. Seven years ago, again, back in my church going days, probably my second year of living in Austin, Thanksgiving night I left my parent’s house, went to Sue Ellens in Dallas (a long standing lesbian bar) had one drink and did some people watching. I’d told several people I was going to get my eyebrow pierced and not a single one believed me. That pretty much sealed the deal. So, I left the bar and headed over to Deep Ellum, not knowing exactly where, but figuring it wouldn’t be too hard to find a tattoo/piercing shop. I sat there for forty five minutes before mustering up the courage. It was the weirdest high getting it done. Piercings hadn’t reached the popularity they did later, so it was still different enough to set me apart. It was funny, the next morning I kept waiting and waiting to see what my parents were going to say. Right before I left to meet up with a friend, my Mom finally had her glasses on and noticed it. But, at 27, what could they say?

I have no idea what the point is here. Just like everyone, there are so many memories, stories that replay over and over every time I spend any time in this house.

Maybe the point is that I really do have a lot to be thankful for. Yes, there are times in my life I’d erase in a heartbeat given the chance. But, who doesn’t. I didn’t turn out too badly thru it all. That’s probably more the point. That it’s good to be a grownup. To not have to fight and struggle and strive to be who I am.

Update

I got another call from Nerdstar this morning. It helps so much just to hear her voice! She's still having a really, really hard time dealing with being there, being frustrated and angry and miserable. Ok, actually, it's getting a little better. Poor thing has to spend Thanksgiving and the next three days at a weapons range. Then early next week they're supposed to start their trek into Iraq. So feel free to send her warm thoughts, prayers, and emails!

I made it up to Dallas from Austin in decent time, but even from 10 to noon there was already more traffic than usual. I can't imagine the parking lot I-35 will be this evening.

It's a little hard to be thankful this year - I'm working on it. But a year is a damn long time to be apart. Just think how long ago last Thanksgiving feels, and how far from now next Thanksgiving feels. Because, if we're lucky I'll have Nerdstar home for next Thanksgiving! She's already planning all the things she'll eat!!

So it ends

Just like that, over three years at this job comes to an end. This was the longest I've kept a job since I graduated college thirteen years ago. I'm a sentimental schmuck, so I'm pretty sad right now. Somehow knowing this is for my own good doesn't make it easier. They are going to pay out the two weeks. In about forty-five minutes, the HR rep will be here for the exit interview, then I'm done with this place. I'm not sure what the questions will be to know what my answers will be. I'm going to emphasize the stress and how I can't do stress right now. It's a damn sad shame it all came to this. But, life goes on.

I'm going to have to put a lot of effort into not playing the "if I'd only known" game. I'd have a lot more money in the bank than I do today if I'd known it was going to end now. Oh well. We can only make decisions based on what we know at the time, which turns out to be nothing at best, or faulty at worst.

Past performance is no predictor of future success - isn't that what they say about stock funds? Seems to be the past isn't good for basing any decisions on. And the future is just a big blank mute void.

If life is good, sex is better...

Mr. Vodka Pundit has a great post to end a weekend with, or start a Monday morning with, depending on when you're reading this.

What cracked me up was his line "joke em if they can't take a fuck." I used to say that all the time in high school and college. Not that the people he's referring to would have a sense of humor.

I'll never, ever, ever understand why so many people get so hung up on what other people do with their bodies, I suppose that includes drug use as well as sex.

Sex is the greatest thing ever. Trust me, facing a year without Nerdstar around sucks beyond imagination, missing out on our sex life is a big part of why. I spent a few years celibate by choice - being so not by choice is the worst.

My only advice to people who get bent out of shape over other people's sex lives would really have to be - go fuck yourself. Literally. You might learn something about pleasure and fun and loosening up.

Life is Good

It's been a really nice, relaxing weekend. I was hoping to get out and do some motorcycle riding, but it's been way too windy. Today the cold is finally coming back, it was in the 80s yesterday. Now it's starting to rain. Nice!

I've been going back and forth on whether to give two weeks notice tomorrow or next Monday. The difference is about $300 in pay and maybe a small missed yearly bonus. I don't think that's enough to have to pretend everything is ok for three days. I've also been trying to make sure I'm not just being a quitter and bailing when things get hard. If you've read this site for any time at all you know I've been wanting to quit for a long time. I've also been trying to decide if I should even try to explain to them why I'm quitting, how hard they made things for me. I wrote a brief statement to that affect in my two week notice.

My mom called last night. It helps a lot that she's supportive of me quitting. Until last night she wanted me to hang in there and make it work. It's nice she gets that I'm worried enough about Nerdstar and don't need the added stress of work. Looks like I'll be bringing my nephew down to Austin for probably a week sometime before Christmas. I'm really looking forward to that! I'll also keep him some during March and May.

I met with the therapist yesterday. Mostly it re-inforced what I've been thinking about taking care of myself. I'll decide in the next few days if I want to see her again. I'm not sure it's necessary at this time. I do need to get better at even the simple things like taking vitamins and walking the dog. Hopefully soon they'll fix the carpet in our duplex and I can feel like my home is back to normal.

I'm looking at this time as an opportunity to really get my life together. There's no pressure to do anything anytime soon. That helps a lot.

Well, I'm off to shower, make some coffee and toast a bagel. It's a nice day for watching football.

Deal Breaker

It's taking every bit of maturity and patience I have not to walk into my manager's office right now and give two weeks notice. The only reason I'll give two weeks notice instead of outright quitting is on the hopes that like with the other employee who quit this week, they'll pay me the two weeks and just send me home. Although, if that isn't their offer, I won't finish out the day regardless.

You know what the biggest deal breaker is in all the bullshit paperwork I had to sign this morning was? They stipulated no personal phone calls other than on break or lunch time. That would be fine except that everyone around here takes personal calls all damn day, you know, part of that isn't this a great place to work b.s. Even more than that though, obviously I have no idea when Nerdstar will have a chance to call. They know this as well. Yet, instead of saying, ok, we know it sucks for you, we understand you need to talk to her whenever possible, they throw this in instead. It wasn't necessary, it was petty. And that's just one small part of what was handed to me this morning.

It's the hypocrisy that really gets me. The meeting before this one they were all, we know this is a really hard time for you, we care, let us know how we can help. Yep, this morning was a great big help. It clarified my situation perfectly.

The end is near

Damn it all to hell. Once again, I’m crying at work. Bastards. Yes, the meeting went that well. Silly me had failed to realize it was a “serious” meeting including HR (no one ever told me HR would be there) about how much I suck at work and all the things I will improve immediately or face firing. Thirty minutes later I’m almost breathing normally. Almost. Now I’m just trying to decide when to quit. It’s no longer a question of IF. I can make it thru today. Then there’s only three days next week to get another full week of pay. Then that’s probably about it for me.

Yes, a company has the right to expect a certain level of performance from it’s employees, no matter what’s going on in their personal lives. I get that. But it doesn’t mean I have to work in a place that tells me they care and are here to help me and then turn around and make my life way more stressful than it already is. That’s the beauty of living in a capitalist society – I’m free to quit and move on.

Upcoming

I’ve been staring at a long, skinny 2004 calendar trying to figure out how to fill all of that time. I could probably fill March and April with volunteering during SXSW, traveling, taking care of Zachary, and hopefully seeing Nerdstar if/when she gets her two weeks leave. And all of that would be really cool and really fun. Knowing all of that was coming up might even make work bearable until March. Then I’d have to find a way to fill the time from May until hopefully November when Nerdstar is home for good.

Tomorrow morning at work I meet with my managers again to go over my “improvement plan.” Thrilling. My absolute least favorite coworker quit Tuesday. It means my beloved team leader is having to re-delegate stuff. What’s ironic is that if I’d been a “good kid” around the office the past few months I’d probably be promoted into that open position. Now, not so likely. Which sucks. But it feels like things are in the air for some more changes around here. I just wish they’d have a team meeting and put everything out in the open. They don’t usually do that around here. So, should be interesting in the morning. As of now my goal is still to get thru till the first of the year at least.

On Saturday I’ve got an appointment with a therapist. After 9/11 my company started offering mental health benefits. Thru an 800 # we can get a referral to a local therapist and schedule up to five sessions with them – all paid for by the company. I don’t know how to deal with the constant stress, loneliness and worrying I’m in for over the next year. Sometimes it’s better than others, but this is only the first week and she’s not in as dangerous a situation as she will be soon. And I obviously need help with decision making!

So, the next few days should at least be productive ones.

Thanks!

I really can't say Thank You! enough to all of you who have called, emailed and left comments. It really helps a lot.

Nerdstar and I talked quite a while last night and she'll call at least once today. She sent me her cell phone a couple of weeks ago, it's going to feel like an appendage soon. I'll have it on and with me all the time so that whenever she does get a chance to call she won't have to worry about not getting a hold of me. She also called and talked with my Mom and little Zachary last night. We're all going to be pretty sad she's not with us Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Last night and today I'm feeling really calm. It's been weird, but there have been several times I've been spiraling down and said a short prayer and had peace come over me. It's kinda neat.

For now I'm pretty much settled on staying with this job for a while. The holidays are coming up, then I start over with three weeks of vacation next year. I have a feeling I'm going to be taking a lot of time off next year, that would be really hard to do with a new job.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do for New Years. We've got Thurs. to Sun. off. I might rent a cabin out by a state park and take Ramen and do some walking, sitting by the fire, reading and writing.

One thing that really helps is I don't have to worry about money while she's gone. Her paychecks are directly deposited into our joint account. As long as I'm working, I'm going to try to only spend my paychecks and just save all of her pay until she gets home. But, if I need to not work for a while I'll have that option.

I've had to really fight seeing these past seven months, and now the upcoming year, as a complete waste of time, a delay to getting on with our lives. I'm trying hard to find ways to make the best of this time. We'll see how I do with that.

Anyway. Thanks again!!

Who knew

Nerdstar is 90% sure today's the day she finds out if she's coming home or getting on a plane for Iraq Friday night. Me, well, I'm falling apart. But, I don't want to write a long post until I know for certain what's going on.

In other news, I picked up a box of Nilla Wafers the other day at the store. It's been a long time since I've had some, and they seemed like a good comfort snack. I finally grabbed the box and settled into watching tv on the sofa last night. I pulled out the first one and it seemed a little dark to be a Nilla Wafer, I thought, hmmmm, they burnt one. Then the next one I pulled out was the same color. Weird, a whole box of burnt Nilla Wafers. Darn, I really wanted some. I check the box and it says, "Chocolate Nilla Wafers". HUH? When did they start making those?? I tried one, they didn't taste like chocolate or Nilla Wafers. So very wrong!

Being who I want to be

It's Friday afternoon, winding down one of the most icky, stressful, emotional weeks I've had - and with the year I've just had, that's saying a lot.

There's an old saying - I feel like I've been put thru the ringer. It seems appropriate today. One of those old hand cranked laundry ringers that would leave clothes damp and squished.

So many things in life come down to deciding what kind of person I want to be. It's been brought into clear focus - by me, not by my managers or coworkers - that there are too many days at work that I am just a complete ass. And you know what, there's not really any justification for that. It's immature to feel like it's ever ok to be an ass because I'm unhappy with things. And honestly, I'm a complete ass to some of our customers. Not to mention it's usually just plain old arrogance that sometimes lets me feel it's ok to be an ass to them.

Time for a change. Not a better job change, but a better job performance change. Because it's no fun knowing I'm an ass.

I realized part of what makes me miss college so much. While semesters were all a lot alike - there was always that starting over feeling with each new semester. And with real life - there are rarely clear starting over points. I miss them. Yeah, there's New Year's, but for some reason it's not the same. Birthdays don't always cut it either.

We're built for cycles and new starts; you know, the moon and all.

Maybe this weekend I'll find some way to mark a new beginning. A shift in attitude, in being who I am. Or at least get enough sleep and cozy time to feel like the new me.

Better

Naturally, things came to a breaking point this morning at work and I talked with all three of my managers and worked out some things. We all acknowledged this was a bigger issue than just a couple of days off. Both sides have felt that the other wasn't giving enough. I said, yes, I have been skating thru, and told them parts of why. It went pretty well. We're going to meet again tomorrow, hopefully with a lot less emotion. I know I've got to step up my side of things, hopefully I can find the energy to do that. I know they met me at least halfway, and I need to do the same.

It sure sucks being a grownup. But I try very hard to be responsible.

Slowly Imploding

I suppose that's possible, slowly imploding. I was walking the dog last night, feeling pretty damn down, and tried to cheer myself up by "looking on the bright side." Guess what. I couldn't find one. In fact, I ended up making myself feel worse. I realized that this time last year was just about when the bullshit with our last apartment started and we ended up paying two rents for six months. When that hell finally ended, about two weeks later is when Nerdstar got called up to active duty. Then I thought, well, at least I'm driving a better car, oh wait, that's not really that great of a consolation prize.

I was actually contemplating quitting my job just to make it a clean sweep and a chance to start from scratch. Except I didn't think I had the energy for that.

Anyway. Today was day one of some pretty inane team training at work. It was a complete waste of time because those of us paying attention were the ones who already knew the material, the ones tuning out where the ones who don't know shit. Figures.

Not the point. Back in June I looked ahead on the yearly calendar and asked off for Nov. 26 and Dec. 26. The day before Thanksgiving I drive to Dallas, to leave after straight up noon doubles the driving time. We have wed/thurs Dec. 24-25 off, so I went ahead and took that Friday to avoid driving back to Austin for one day of work and driving back to Dallas for the weekend. No problem. Until Tuesday when I get an email from my team leader saying that in light of my recent approved time off, I can no longer take those two days off. I politely emailed saying I had plans and still needed those two days off. She said she'd consult with our manager and our manager's manager.

This afternoon, after a day of training, I get an email informing me that if I choose to take either of those two days off they will interpret that as a voluntary resignation.

HUH? Fuck you. I've been at this job for three years and have a pretty decent work history there. Yes, I've been thinking of quitting, but my work standard has not dropped. They're also very aware that this is the most stressful time I've gone thru in my life. The last face to face conversation we had before I took last week off was "we understand, we'll work with you." And now this is their response? They'd rather fire me than give me two days off? Fuck you.

I'll be talking to HR tomorrow. Yes, I'm aware I probably shouldn't blog this while it's ongoing. Fire me. Oh wait, they don't have any grounds to fire me. I was informed by a very nice person who works for the same company, but not in the same office, that our company allows up to two weeks of unpaid time off per year. Interesting.

I'm so pissed. If they want to get rid of me fine. Fire me. Call me in and tell me I suck. But this passive aggressive bullshit coming from the top manager in our office down thru my team leader? Again. Fuck you.

The ball's basically in my court. I can suck it up and have job security for a little longer, I can talk with HR about being transferred to our other facility, or I can keep a low profile and simply quit without notice at a time when they really need me there.

One thing I won't be doing is making small talk with any of these people anymore. Our office is supposed to be great to work at because of how nice and friendly every one is, how supportive management is. Whatever.

I also pretty much need to decide by Monday on whether to renew our lease for another year or not.

The wild card still being we have NO idea where Nerdstar is going to be for the next twelve months. Fun.

Powerless

The single biggest factor at times when I'm pissy and/or downright angry is usually feeling powerless. I can usually take things in stride as long as I feel I have some control over those things. But once that illusion ends - watch out.

That's what's been so frustrating the last six months. Not only am I not in control of what's happening with Nerdstar, she's not either, and on a normal day she has no idea who exactly is in control. How can I use my amazing powers of persuasion and charm to affect the outcome if I can't find whoever is in control.

Maybe that's where faith and God come in. It gives us a huge illusion of control - if we live the right kind of life, say the right kind of prayers, then God will be on our side and we can have access to His power when ours isn't sufficient. Too bad I lost my faith a while back and it's still not fully recovered.

With this whole flooding/carpet replacement thing, I get pissed because I did nothing wrong to bring this about. But I can't go wring my neighbor's neck to make myself feel better either. Apparently, I don't even have any say in when my living space is going to be back to normal. No control. And it frustrates the hell out of me.

Traffic is another time I get really angry. I used to think it was because in my car no one can hear be yelling like a complete ass, so it's a safe place to let off steam. But really, it's all about not being able to control the events and idiots causing traffic problems.

I'm sure lots of therapy could come out of this one issue alone :-) Too bad I'm not into therapy.

Any of my guy readers care to tell me what makes them feel powerless and how they deal with it? Is it something women deal better with because we're sort of programed to be helpless/powerless in subtle ways?

Pissy

Nerdstar and I joke around all the time about how much God hates us... but some days sure make it feel real.

It's been bad enough going thru six months of being unsettled emotionally, STILL not knowing if Nerdstar is going to Iraq, being unsettled mentally and not being able to make plans for the future. And now, as things are getting really stressful, my living space has become completely fucked.

The property manager came by this morning and just decided to have all new carpet installed. That sounds like a good thing, and I'm sure when it's all said and done I'll be happy with that. We've lived here a year and are about to sign up for another year. But she couldn't even tell me exactly when this will take place. So there's lots of stuff out of place. And while I'm certainly in no mood to pack up all my books and cds and dvds and such to help the guys who are going to have to come in and install carpet in an occupied duplex, I'm not sure I trust them not to fuck with my stuff. I find in my old age I get more and more icked out by people messing with me stuff.

I briefly considered just moving out. But I don't really want to go thru the hassle of finding a new place, changing all the utilities and all that stuff. The hassle of new carpet isn't as big as the hassle of moving.

It's amazing how little comfort the line "well, it could have been worse" really is.

All this on top of Nerdstar flying out again today to head back up to Tacoma where I'm fairly convinced we're just going to be told she's shipping out the 13th. She's convinced she's not.

So I'm just pissy today. And having these big fans blowing is driving me nuts from the noise and irritating as hell to my sinuses and throat with all the crap they must be blowing up.

Flooding and Spring Cleaning

Wow, this weekend is the one year anniversary of this site. It's been a long year! Thank you so much to my readers.

I'd love to wax philosophical about my little site and all that, but we woke up to flooding carpets this morning. Turns out our neighbor in the adjoining side of the duplex was out of town and had something go wrong and his side flooded and ran over into ours. Fortunately, the maintainance guys showed up this afternoon and now we have big fans blowing and a dehumidifier going. I've been wanting to clean out the spare bedroom - poor Nerdstar had no idea this would be how she'd spend her weekend at home. I'm a little tempted to check into a hotel room tonight, the fans are pretty loud and we're supposed to leave them running all night. But I have a feeling we'll just stick it out here. I'm a little burned out on hotel rooms after spending the week in Tacoma.

Fortunately, it was the bathroom and the spare bedroom that got flooded. We've been using the spare bedroom for storage, it was a lot of empty boxes and so nothing got ruined.

Goodwill and the public library will be very happy to see us tomorrow. I'm going to take about four boxes of books to the library, and all kinds of stuff to Goodwill. Oddly enough, this stupid warm weather makes it feel like spring cleaning, even if it is the first of November.

Ahhh life - she's still such a total bitch.

Still Employed

I will make no stupid, tired, worn out comparisons between the crazy process my brain goes thru making decisions to either the political or sausage making process. Just be happy that I normally spare you the details!

My bosses really wanted me to schedule being off around the two days of training on the 5th and 6th. Since Nov. 8th might or might not be the go date, I decided I could live with taking next week off, and being here for the training. They said that if I need to rush up there again if she gets orders to leave, that'll be ok with them.

As soon as I hear back from Nerdstar, I'll book a flight to Tacoma for next week, make arrangements to put poor Ramen in the Canine Hilton and for the cats to be taken care of.

No road trip yet, but I'll certainly keep it in the back of my mind for when she comes home!

Ugh

It's a beautiful weekend outside, but not so much inside my head. Friday night I was supposed to go hear Ginger and Sarah with a friend who's in town on a job project for a while. She ended up making plans with her family instead. I found this out for sure when I got off of work Friday. At first I thought I'd go hear them play anyway. But I just didn't feel like going to do something alone again. It's getting really old. And that kicked off a blah weekend. I've stayed up past two the last two nights, been mean to Nerdstar and frustrated with her.

November 8th is D day for Nerdstar. That's the day her unit is scheduled to leave for Iraq. That's about three weeks away. But because she's got paperwork in progress to be reassigned back to Austin because of her grandmother's health - it's all still up in the air. That means I can't get mentally or emotionally ready. She's saying it's about a 50/50 chance she's coming home, but is acting more like it's a done deal. Me, I figure it's about a ten percent chance and am going nuts. I just don't know that I can handle her being gone for a year longer. Seriously.

And because we don't know for certain that she's going, I can't really make plans to go up and see her before she leaves yet. My worst nightmare is that she'll find out Nov. 6th she has to go and then ship out two days later. I have a feeling that if she doesn't know by the end of this coming week I'll just make plans to go up there for a week or so anyway. I'm sure my boss will love that.

It's all just really getting to me. And there's just not a whole hell of a lot I can do about any of it.

Wild Kingdom

Now for the story I logged on to write. As if having a huge spider wander into my house a few weeks ago wasn't bad enough - tonight it was a snake! (No, I didn't let it hang around long enough to get a picture this time!)

Once again, I'm up past my bedtime. I finally turn off the tv and head for bed. I don't usually, but earlier I had turned on the lamp by the bed so it wouldn't be so dark when I got to the bedroom. Ramen was being a weirdo tonight and I thought he was trying to protect me from Little Man who was outside. (I'm not always sure he's smart enough to know "his" cats from other strange animals.) So, I closed the back door and just left the bedroom window open for Little Man to come in. When I get into the bedroom I see Little Man stalking something, I figure it's a big bug, no big deal. I figure I'll speed up the process and move some clothes I had on the floor so he could find it faster... and OH SHIT - it's a SNAKE. Ok, so it's a skinny little thing about sixteen inches long, but still, it's in my bedroom!

I decided to get it out of the house by getting it into the laundry bag. I almost scared myself to death stepping on Ramen's toy and making it squeek! Then I got the little shovel thing that's part of the fireplace set and the laundry bag. Thankfully the snake was as scared as I was and just wanted to hide so it slithered into the bag! I was very nice and didn't beat it to death with the shovel thing, I just took it out back and let it go. It seemed very happy to be back in the grass and moving away from the house!

I had locked Little Man in the bathroom to get him out of the way during all that. When I let him out he went looking for his new friend and then yelled at me when he couldn't find him. I said, tough, the door and window are staying closed, no more bringing home friends!

Like I said with the spider, I live in a residential area, it's not like I'm living out in the country!

Happy Pills

My brain has this tendency to attract big dark clouds that hover around for days on end sometimes. I get stuck looking at all the bad little raindrops about to wash away everything good and listening to the thunder of impending doom and can't even imagine seeing sunshine again.

I tried Wellbutrin and Prozac BRIEFLY about a year or so ago. I couldn't shake the sadness that started 9/11. But then I felt like I didn't have any emotions, good or bad, while on them and decided the lows were worth enduring for the better times.

While there have been tremendous improvements in mental health care, there's still that last stretch before things are perfect. The problem with drugs like Prozac is that you have to take them for x amount of time before they kick in, and then you have to take them pretty much constantly for them to keep working. What I need, and I'm sure millions of others could use too, is a mood improving drug that works more like allergy medicine. I take it on a daily, as needed, basis with the affects lasting twelve to twenty four hours for those two, three, four days that hit every so often when I just can't escape the storm.

Notes from a rainy Saturday

Since when is October monsoon season in Texas?? I must have missed that memo. The drive to Houston Thursday was done in a non-stop downpour. Poor Nerdstar, her driver's side window had decided to break a couple of days earlier and not go all the way back up. She got kinda soaked. (hmm... kinda soaked, is that like never, except when or almost completely... I hate phrases like that)

Anyway, it's raining all day today and will probably continue to do so thru tomorrow. Thank God for pizza delivery!

I suppose my first day back to being alone should be rainy. At least there's great sports on all day. UT got it's butt handed to it by OU. Now, normally I wouldn't be too happy with that. But so many of my coworkers are UT fans that I'm kinda happy they're miserable today. (No, I'm not sadistic, why do you ask?)

The Sox/Yankees game just ended. Could Martinez be any more of an ass?? I don't care if Zimmer had actually landed a punch, you NEVER throw down a 72 year old man.

I'm actually rooting for the Cubs and Sox - whatever brings the apocolypse closer!

I guess my feeling today after all the crap with Nerdstar's family is that once again I'm the one left alone on the outside as her priority remains her grandparents. Not a good feeling, never has been.

10,000

Weird, I ended up being my 10,000 visitor according to Site Meter.

Well, the house is very quiet now, my parents came and got Zachary around 1. Ramen is very relieved to have the kid gone. I'm tired but a little sad.

Well, already the online web design class is a pain in my ass. The textbook we're supposed to order is out of print, fine, and it has an accompanying cd rom. Well, I couldn't find the 2nd edition with the cd rom, so I ended up with the 3rd edition. Now that the class is getting underway, our instructor informs us the 3rd edition won't work. I hate stuff like this. Why make it all more difficult than it should be? $45 books for a book I can't use, and I still don't know if we have to have the cd rom or not so I can buy the right edition. Not a good start.

Nerdstar and I are now trying to figure out what we're doing until she leaves on Sunday. She wants to head back to Houston tomorrow, but I don't want to spend that much time there. The beds are amazingly uncomfortable and there's nothing to do. UGH.

Yes, I think I'm tired.

1 a.m.

Life seems very surreal the past few days. In fact, time has changed completely. It seems like weeks since the last time I was at work (thank God!) and everything outside of this little home of mine seems very distant. It's nice, but weird.

Nerdstar and Zachary have been sleeping for quite a while now. I was stupid and drank a coke too close to bedtime. I've been surfing around the web. I feel a little disconnected, but not too much.

I have been following baseball - wow, both the Cubs and Sox are moving on. Hell's getting mighty cold.

It rained last night and this morning, but the sun came out around 11 am so we headed down to Zilker Park. It has Barton Springs Pool - it's a constant 68 degrees year round. I've never been swimming there. More importantly, it has a small train that runs thru the park. Zachary loves trains. That's where we went. There's also a decent sized playground.

Zachary is such a neat kid. He mostly stays home with my parents and/or my brother. Other than that, he goes to church with my parents where everyone adores him. So he's very friendly, outgoing and fearless when it comes to people. He's one of those cute kids everyone feels compelled to talk to and touch. (Freaks me out because I'm not used to it!) He waves hello to passing cars when we're driving and to people walking by when we're walking. He likes watching other kids play, but doesn't really play with them. He's cautious but not afraid.

Anyway, he fell asleep in the car on the way to lunch. We managed to get him to eat a little, then him and Nerdstar took a nice long nap.

I can't imagine a more satisfying or challenging job than staying home with kids. I know women I work with who think they'd be bored if they stayed home instead of working - I think they're nuts. There's nothing boring about a two and a half year old boy!

Two Year Old

It's certainly different having a two and a half year old running around the house. My parents came down yesterday and we all went to eat and then to the local dog park. Zach loves running around and watching all the dogs run everywhere. There's also a very shallow creek we couldn't keep him out of :-)

My parents left to spend a couple of days in Galveston. We were going to take Zach to the park this morning, but it's raining for now. The poor dog is traumatized.

I'm off to play hide and seek.

Grandma and Ramen

For those of you who are wondering, if you are wondering about it, my grandma has been doing pretty well in the last two days, eating more and had more energy, thank you very much! She's going to the hospital to finish her rounds of tests and by next Monday, her doctor will read the results and give his opinions and suggestions for her treatment/non-treatment. By then, I don't think that we can hide the fact of her illness anymore. I think she'll be sad, but I know that she also knows that she could not possibly live forever. I hope that, nomatter what, we'll do our best to make her as happy as we can, and also to show her our appreciation of her with the time that remains.

Now, my dog Ramen has been staying at grandma's house for the last 3-4 days, and it's just amazing to see them interact with each other. Every morning, when she gets up, she makes a point of feeding Ramen toast, and at first, he'd eat it, but since toast is not meat, he had been refusing it. I'd get up and grandma would ask me, "why doesn't your dog eat"? Then I'll find out that she had been trying to feed him toast again. One of the reasons why Ramen remained with Beth was because we were afraid that Ramen would be a really overweight dog.

I have no idea whether or not Ramen was trained before we've adopted him, and what language he used to know. The reason why I stated this stemmed from this afternoon, grandma told Ramen to look for grandpa, Ramen looked at her and then proceeded to run towards grandpa! She had spoken to him entirely in Chinese!

He'd also nap next to her bed, and would not get up until she does. In some ways, they are a lot alike in personalities. Most of all, I think he really helps her not to think about her pain so much.

He is also teaching me so much about what it really means to be a faithful friend, to which I've so far found no parallel.

Now, would a palm pilot do all that? (see the first "Life with pets" entry)

Weekend

The weekend was very nice. Beautiful driving weather! In fact, it's still warm enough in Houston that Nerdstar and her sister went swimming Saturday afternoon, and then a bunch of kids got to swim that evening.

It was two days of family, and since it was only two days it was great! Her sister's husband is as picky about what he eats as I am, so it was nice to not be the only weirdo there! It was interesting to see everyone dote on him as the new man in the family.

Everyone loves Ramen because he's better behaved than their dogs and just wants to be petted all the time. He's funny though, after an extended period of time with lots of noise, he starts trying to find a quiet place to hide.

Mostly it was good to spend time with Nerdstar. She's still in Houston for a few days. Her grandmother has more medical tests on Wednesday, so she's going to go with her. Her grandmother was doing really well this weekend, she enjoys having everyone around for a few days.

Now it's back to work on a Monday morning. Oh joy.

back home

Hello again, nerdstar here. I am finally at my folks' home and up late with a can of root beer, the trusty dog, and the laptop. Everyone is finally asleep now, so there is sufficient peace and quiet to write about some things.
I saw my sister and her new husband since they got married about a month ago. I really wished that we could have been there, from the photos I could tell that it was a good wedding, and I wish them many happy years together!
Another milestone, Beth finally got to meet my sister, and it went without a hitch, to my relief. (see prev. entry by Beth) I was a bit worried but not really, I figured that they were going to really hate each other, or not, and so far, I don't think that they do.
My body has just about shut down after my plane landed near home. I don't have to think about the f*ckheads that I've left behind, no more loud music coming from down the hallway, no elephantfeet thumping upstairs, and no leaders who are just using their troops to advance themselves. I've slept a lot.
Beth was here with me for most of the weekend, she took Ramen here and I think that my folks were happy to see him, he's such a gentle dog, just perfect with older folks and young children, I think that he has a great potential for as a therapy dog! (If I only had the time and the $ to train and certify him!)
It was really good to see her, and I am looking forward to spending some more time with her later this week!
My grandma is still a kind of weak physically, but she was happy to see everyone, and had even managed to eat a bit more than usual! (She, due to her stomach cancer, had gotten to the point to which she was mainly drinking ensure, soup, and milk to get her nutrition.) I am praying that, against all the odds, that there may still be ways of treating her disease.
I will go into the hospital with her as she is scheduled to get her last two tests before the doctors report their findings the following Monday, I have heard that her doctor is the world's most famous in the field of stomach cancer, and if I can, I will ask him some questions and try to understand it in my limited medical knowledge.
On that note, I will goto bed, and a goodnight to everyone!

Friday Night Perspective

When I scheduled having the day off from work, I wasn't sure what I'd be doing today. Nerdstar flew into Houston tonight, and I wasn't sure her uncle would be in town to pick her up at the airport. Fortunately, he was. I wasn't crazy about driving to Houston on a Friday evening and dealing with traffic and the airport. I opted for giving her some time with the family tonight before I drive down early tomorrow morning.

I've also been contemplating substitute teaching again. They've had orientation the last couple of Fridays, and another one was today. I figured, what the heck, might as well check it out. I left a couple of hours into it. It's good to know I just don't want to go back into teaching, certainly not subbing - or "guest teaching" as they've changed it to, because semantics matter. Besides, I also realized that there are people who need that job much more than I do. My job isn't perfect, but it's not horrible either. Yes, I'm going to do what I can to get a better one, but I need to stop being a whiney ass at the one I have.

I'm very ready to see Nerdstar tomorrow. But I'm also meeting her sister for the first time. When Nerdstar and I were first living together, she was in an IM with her sister, and I got on and ended up totally pissing her off. (Of course, Nerdstar says we're just too much alike.) So in four years I've never met her. But I'm feeling pretty good about this weekend. Her sister just got married recently, her husband is Portugese. It'll kinda be the UN at the grandparents this weekend.

Mostly I'm going to be sad to come back to Austin Sunday night and leave Nerdstar in Houston with her family for a few more days. I'm very ready to have her home with me! (I keep telling her I mostly need her here to clean the house LOL) I keep trying to explain to Ramen that his life will be much better tomorrow morning - he gets to take a trip in the car, and see Nerdstar, and see the grandparents and the cousins. He won't be stuck with mean ole me!

Ya'll have a good weekend. I'll be back here late Sunday or early Monday.

Ordinary Weekend

The healing powers of a rainy weekend are fantastic. My mood this morning is the best it's been in weeks. And it's a Monday - go figure. The weekend was a good mixture of productive and lazy. Saturday morning I got an oil change for my car. It's a 1997 skylark that I got a couple of months ago, so I don't have any idea what maintenance has been done on it. Then, because I'm a girl, the oil change guys think they have to go over every little thing and make all sorts of recommendations. It's kinda funny, because I never got that with my 1969 Camaro. I guess they knew if I were driving a car like that I knew something about them. Anyway, the air filter and radiator fluid needed changing. I went and got the parts and got that done. It always feels good to do something tangible.

After an hour of sweating in the humidity (before the rain started) I was ready for a nice shower. Ramen decided he needed to run around the neighborhood some more, except this time he went out to the main road. Bastard. I couldn't find him on foot, so I got on the motorcycle to look for him and still couldn't find him. At that point I was like, screw him, yes, Nerdstar will be very sad if he runs away, but it's all her fault for not training him anyway. I never wanted a stupid dog, I was perfectly happy with my cat. Then, as I was parking the motorcycle he comes running up all happy to see me. Dick.

By the time I drove down to the outlet stores there was a nice, steady rain. Did that mean it wasn't very crowded? No. It just made people driving in the parking lot that much more stupid. There's a Sketchers outlet store and I got two pair of shoes. Way cool. And I got a lot of little candles. They actually had jasmine scented - mmmmm.

Sunday was just laundry and television. That's about the way it should be.

Now I'm counting down days until I get to see Nerdstar! She flies into Houston Friday night.

Misc.

Day two of nothing much to say. I'm not living in my head any more than usual, just not feeling very talkative, or typeative, this week.

Yesterday I picked up book two in the 1602 series. Thankfully, there's a really good annotation of the series. I also got two Sandman posters - one of Morpheus at his palace, and one of the entire Endless family. I put them up in my office today. Maybe at the very least they'll inspire some nice day dreams at this boring ass job.

Last night Ramen was a complete freak. I took him out for a short walk to be nice to him. A little later, my neighbor came over and we were talking - she said the maintenance guy showed up about her a/c and said they owners are just planning on making improvements (I hope that's true). Ramen loves people so I let him come out so she could pet him. He decided to take off and see what else he could find in the complex. After about five minutes we decided we should find him and make sure he wasn't playing in traffic. She found him at someone else's door - he'd stratched it and the people had been nice and gave him treats. When he saw me again he came running. I asked if he was out looking for a better home!?! A little later I'm watching tv, ignoring him as always, and he brings the tennis ball over to me. WTF? He's NEVER done that. We've tried playing fetch maybe ten times with him in over a year - we're usually lucky if he brings the ball back twice before wandering off. So, we played fetch for maybe four whole minutes. Weird.

Weekend Ponderings

Ramen and I had a lovely road trip. It's a good thing he doesn't mind five hours in a car and sleeping in hotel rooms! He's a very strange dog though. He wants desperately to be petted twenty hours a day, but he's not a dog that will do anything to please you to ensure those hours of petting. Saturday night when I got back from the casino and was on the phone with Nerdstar, I was sitting in a chair with my feet up on the king sized bed. Ramen walked around to the other side, looked me in the eyes, and jumped on the bed. Jerk. He knows better - he's never allowed on the furniture.

I lost a couple hundred gambling. I don't usually play roulette, but it was the only game I was winning at Saturday. Oh well. It wasn't the same being there without Nerdstar!

I realized it's the first time I've ever slept in a hotel room alone. Very weird. Then I got to thinking about all the rich, single men who'll fly to Vegas for the weekend and just hire a "companion." That would be too weird, too. I wonder, though, if I were to ever be older, rich and single, would I call up some company and hire a beautiful young woman to hang out with for an evening, a weekend. Maybe. Maybe once to see what it's like. To see what her life is usually like.

My attitude towards money is changing a little, too. When Nerdstar first left I was all about neither of us spending any money and saving it all for something big when she gets home. Now I'm more likely to say, fuck it, let's spend what we need to be happy now.

Not Dead Yet

Well, yesterday wasn't so bad. I did go eat pancakes, and they were good. I did straighten up the house, it's not spotless, but it's better. But mostly, I cried. There were tears rolling down my cheeks most of the day. Sometimes the sobs just caught in my throat. The names of the immediate victims at the WTC were read, but we'll never be able to list the names of ALL those affected - the ripples of pain and loss and grief are pretty much endless. If only those who write alternate histories could write the stories of all those who not only died, but now will never be because of the evil in the hearts of so few in comparison.

But in this hell of depression that's been trying to take over my brain lately, one thought came thru loud and clear yesterday - in the tone of Monty Python of course - I'm Not Dead Yet. And I need to start living like it.

Raw Emotions

I don't understand emotions at all. Normally this sentence would introduce something about pms and hormones and all that crap. One of the problems in having irregular periods (hang in there with me guys) is that when your emotions go all wonky you don't necessarily think "oh, this is just pms, I can ignore these wonky emotions and be rational instead" because you can't just look at a calendar and say ah yes, this week is the week I'll be a crazy bitch. It sorta blindsides you.

Well. Last night when I couldn't sleep I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe 9/11 is kinda like that emotionally. I am feeling completey raw and strung out and on edge this week, because it's the anniversary of 9/11.

I know that 9/12 last year there was a very real, concrete change in my emotional state. You know, the proverbial black cloud being lifted and all. We'll see if Friday brings more of the same.

Boring Burden

"I think shy is boring, I think depressed is, too." ANI

I generally feel that way, especially reading other people's blogs. The only thing worse than reading about people being depressed is reading about dreams. That's why I tend to not write entries like the last one.

Things are a little better this afternoon. Of course, after bitching about coworkers, our office manager asked how I was doing and was very polite when I explained how much things suck. And another coworker was sympathetic.

I know how hard it is to continually feel like you have to try to cheer someone up who refuses to cheer up. I know it's easier to just not talk to them. And I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be a burden to talk to - I'm enough of one just by not always going the polite conversation route. But how do you balance being honest with not being a burden?

Today Sucks

Man, for a Friday, today is pretty sucky. It's amazing how one completely lousy night of sleep can undo any good the previous night of good sleep had done. I thought I was getting up rather late this morning and running about fifteen minutes late to work. But when I got out of the shower and looked at the clock on the cable box, it was an hour earlier than my alarm clock indicated. That really sucked! I guess in all my tossing and turning I set the alarm clock forward an hour. So, on top of not getting to sleep until around 2 or 3, I lost an hour. The small upside is that at least I had time for breakfast without being late for work.

I got a notice in the mail yesterday from the Waco police saying someone had reported that a car with my license plates was involved in a hit and run. Nice. It's amazing how quickly they can find you if they want to. It's from that six car pile up I was almost a part of. I told the officer this morning that my car didn't actually come in contact with any other car, that I had simply stopped to make sure everyone was ok and then left. He said ok. Hopefully that's the end of that.

My plans for this weekend was all about watching the Angel Season 2 dvds. Well, thru tracking them on Amazon's page, I find that the post office says they attempted delivery yesterday at 11:22 am and that I can either come and get the package at the post office or it'll be returned to Amazon. Damn. The post office around here has really long lines. I decide to take an early lunch and chance that the package is actually there. Nope, of course not. The guy can't explain why not. I'm like, duh, because you LOST IT. There's no way they tried to deliver it to my office at 11:22, because there's always someone at the front desk. Fine. I'll call Best Buy and see if they have it in stock and go get it after work. Then the one from Amazon will eventually be returned there.

It's just 12:30 and this is my day so far. Every other minute I'm completely tempted to put my head on my desk and go to sleep.

Better

I finally got a good night's sleep thanks to Tylenol PM. That and emails from friends really helped ease some of the sadness.

Last night and this morning Nerdstar called from the firing range. They're having to get weapons qualified this week and next. It's weird to hear all that gunfire in the background. She's not great with guns, but gets by. I keep telling her she can shoot herself in the foot and come home :-)

Bleh

Today is a pull the covers over your head and stay in bed all day kinda day. Unfortunately, the paycheck addiction is stronger. So I'm at work today trying to hide out in my office as much as possible. Even people just walking by my office is annoying. I think I'm too good at putting on a happy face. I don't think most of my coworkers realize just how hard it is on me that Nerdstar isn't here. Well, no happy face today.

Close Call

We came within two feet of being in a six car wreck today! There was a jackknifed 18 wheeler up the highway that caused a backup and the six cars in front of me all rearended each other trying to stop for the traffic backup. I just happened to already be slowing down and stopped in time to miss the cars in front of me and somehow got damn lucky the truck in the lane to the right of me stopped in time to not hit me. UGH! We saw at least four other multi-car wrecks in the next fifty miles. All I could think about was Final Destination 2 :-)

We had a lot of fun with Zachary yesterday and today. It was raining lightly at my parents house while we were playing outside so we played in the rain. Mom said he'd been saying Nerdstar's name all week. By the end of the day he was calling me by Nerdstar's name, too. He's very capable physically, can do tumbling and stuff, but he's not so good with English yet. He calls my brother Da-dee, my dad pa-ee, my mom, Nerdstar and I were all just Da until now. But he knows "cookie" and "waffle" very well!! My parents are going to head down to the coast with some friends the first of October, and are going to drop him off with me for a few days. I can't wait!

Nerdstar doesn't fly out until tomorrow afternoon, so tonight it's more snuggling!!

Choices

Oh my poor sad neglected empty lonely comments.... :-)

Plan A: Go home and be one with my sofa for the evening. I have a few tv shows recorded I've missed the last couple of days, and I'm feeling the need to lose a few brain cells.

Plan B: Go home and vacuum the floors, sweep up the dead bugs the cats bring in to play with, and shave my legs.

Hmmm... which do you think is more likely??

I pick Nerdstar up at the airport around 2 tomorrow afternoon. Then it's an evening of pizza and the first season of Coupling on dvd.

She got an update on the tests they did on her grandfather - and it turns out to be nothing serious. Her uncle is trying very hard to get her grandmother into the hospital in Houston that is the best in the world for stomach cancer. I don't understand the whole situation, but I still don't think the outlook is all that good.

Saturday we're headed to Dallas to see my family. I know Zachary will be very happy to see her - and in turn that will make her a little happier, too!

The 70s

Nerdstar's finally headed back to Houston. She had said she'e be leaving really early this morning, but I got lucky and she didn't leave until around 3 this afternoon. It was three days of eating and getting stuff done. We took Ramen to the vet for more itch medicine, and gave him a bath. Today we went to PF Changs for lunch then went to Central Market (the only grocery store I've seen double as a tourist attraction!) and got some snacky stuff.

I'd be a lot more sad that she left, but I get to see her again next weekend for Labor Day. Then I'll get to see her at least one more time before she heads over to Iraq.

Like Michele, we watched a ton of VH1's I Love The 70s. After watching I Love The 80s, I definitely like the 70s a hell of a lot better. We had a sense of humor in the 70s before PC took over this country like a plague. The 70s were Fat Albert, Saturday Night Live, Blazing Saddles, and Animal House. I remember my parents taking us to the drive in to see Blazing Saddles. My best friend and I didn't really watch the movie too much, we were watching all the other screens to see if there were any "dirty movies" and watching all the people around us. I can still hear my dad laughing, though. Almost all of the definitive "American" films were in the 70s. And there's no comparison to 70s music - actual musians playing real instruments for extended periods of time. And again, can you imagine the uproar there would be if Cocain were released now?

What's weird to me is that being born in 1968, I was just a little kid in the 70s, but so much of it stays with me. I realized that I was under the age of ten when my parents took me and my best friend to see Jaws - what the hell were they thinking?? The first radio station I fell in love with was K104 in Dallas, the black music station.

I'd give anything to have the original Sugarhill Gang album - NOT the remixes - again.

I never had Sea Monkeys or a pet rock though! My best friend and I spent a lot of time riding our bicycles, listening to music, and making up weird stories and recording them on cassettes with sound effects thrown in.

Fun at Funny Papers

Last week I mentioned that after seeing Northfork, I spent some time in Funny Papers, a comic book store in the same building. The guy working there, Tim, and I got to talking about Sandman and he said that they were having their next book discussion on Seasons of Mist. I figured I might as well check it out.

So, last night I had dinner at East Side Cafe - a very quaint restaurant here. They turned an old house into a restuarant, complete with a garden out back so the food is always wonderfully fresh. They have about four or five tables per room, and because the rooms are small you can pretty much hear all the other tables' conversations. Normally the people there are just weird enough that you don't mind hearing their conversations.

Then I headed over to Funny Papers. Tim was the only one there and then one of the other guys showed up. They then had this hysterical conversations about the guys plans to apply his comic book collecting skills to serial killing. He would pick a graduating class from a small school about fifteen years ago and kill them all. He said he wouldn't take souviners like a lot of serial killers because it'd be more about "getting the set." I'd been there for less than ten minutes and I was already laughing!

It ended up being me and six guys who are complete comic book geeks. In spite of me not having read any comic books other than the Sandman series, The Tick, and a few Dork Towers, I didn't feel at all like an outsider. They were all very nice, extremely well versed in the world of comic books, and very funny.

In discussing the book, one guy asked if people really want to be punished like Lucifer says they do. I responded, "Of course, otherwise there wouldn't be any Catholocism." That pretty much sealed them thinking I fit right in. It was so cool to hear these guys talk about the book and the whole series and all the backstories - there's so much I don't know about all of it.

The best part, though, was after the book discussion, Tim and the serial killer guy (GRIN) told the story of the guy's 21st birthday and Tim taking him to a strip club on a Sunday night. Two strippers said they'd meet up with them at 2:30 in the morning at Denny's when they got off work. So, Tim and SK Guy take a chance and show up there. The strippers were actually there. The night progresses and SK Guy ends up taking one of the strippers home and "not sleeping - twice." I can't do the story any justice at all, but we were all laughing our butts off. The moral of the story seemed to be that if SK Guy hadn't taken a job in a comic book store, he would never have gotten to sleep with a stripper.

They meet every other week, and I'd really love to go again, just to hear their stories and discussions, but I won't have read whatever they'll be discussing. I'll probably go at least one more time and check it out.

Oh, I also picked up 1602. I really think it's going to be a great story arc, but I have to read it again before I can get a handle on who all the characters are.

Update: I read the link I posted about 1602 and now feel kinda silly about not knowing the characters in 1602. They're all from the Marvel universe. I kinda got that when reading it, but not enough. Once again, the internet is a wonderful thing!

Lovely Saturday

I had a lovely day today. It was an Austin day. Sometimes I really do love this city. It's small town feel. The winding roads. It's quirkiness. (For the past year or so the locals wear t-shirts that say "Keep Austin Weird".) I hit two of the better Austin landmarks today - Amy's Ice Cream and The Dobie Theater.

Eric went to see Northfork with me. It's definitely the hardest movie to describe I've seen. You can't even really compare it to foreign films. It's beautiful to watch. The characters are wonderfully strange - in the end I couldn't even tell you which ones were "real" and which weren't. And the puns and jokes were fantastic! Although only maybe seven or eight of us in an audience of fifty or more were laughing.

There's also a comic book store in the Dobie Tower called Funny Papers. I picked up two more in the Sandman series, now the only one I don't have is number 6. I also looked thru a copy of Roman Dirge's collection of the first four comic books with Lenore - Michele's little dead girl. Very sick stuff - yet also very amusing.

It's about 8 pm and I'm in for the night. The rain didn't quite make it all the way down to Austin - that makes me sad. There's still a chance of rain tonight and tomorrow. A good storm would make me very happy.

I hope your day was as lovely!

New Car

New Car

I'm really happy with this car. I knew I was getting older when I first realized I liked Cadillacs. I'm all about the car being roomy and having a very smooth ride! I still can't believe it only has 48K miles on it. This must have been an old people car. It doesn't have cruise control, but that's ok. And it only has an am/fm radio. I find that I set the radio to "scan" and just listen to bits and pieces of stuff, never really stopping on much. And when I do stop on a song, the stations never manage to play two good songs back to back.

Anyway. I'm happy with my choice.

All Grown Up

It finally sunk in last night that I really don't deserve to be stuck driving a piece of shit car and that I'm really not poverty stricken. I'm not sure why I thought otherwise for so long. But I'm over it.

My family was lower middle class when I was growing up - and I had no idea. I never felt like I lacked for anything. My mom stayed home, dad worked and came home at 4 pm every day to read the paper until dinner was ready. Sure, I knew there were kids who had cooler things than I did. But there wasn't anything I really, really wanted that I didn't have.

At Baylor it started to sink in just how much money we didn't have. But again, I was also very, very aware of just how hard my parents had worked to enable me to go to college. That was one of the biggest reasons I finished my degree, I couldn't waste all the love and money they'd spent allowing me to get my degree.

I graduated from Baylor in December of 1990. I can't believe it's been that long. I worked at a company called Success Motivation my last semester of college and the following year. Then came my first layoff. I was still living in Waco and wanted very badly to move to Austin.

I came down to Austin for about a week and tried to find a place to live or a job. I'd been coming down here for maybe a weekend every other month or so for at least a year to attend this church I really liked. But that week, I had no luck whatsoever.

One night that week I called my mom and talked things over. My grandmother had been diagnosed with lung cancer, so Mom suggested I move back home and could help out with my grandmother and go back to school and get certified to teach. Sounded good to me.

This is when my financial life went to hell. I assumed after spending about a year and a half getting certified to teach, that at the end of that time I'd be making at least X amount of money a year. I charged up a few thousand on credit cards.

The teaching job never materialized. The move to Austin finally did. A friend of mine from Baylor was living here and offered to let me live with her until I could get on my feet here. (That ended up being a horrible living situation for the next five months - but that's another story.)

That debt I'd gotten into while back in school and then the expense of trying to live in Austin on my own with only crappy little jobs was just too much. So about five years ago I blew off all my debt - probably just over 12 grand. I just stopped paying them. I knew I'd have bad credit for a long time, but at that time I decided I'd rather have bad credit than to have to donate plasma all the time.

My life has improved in so many ways because of Nerdstar, and now one of the more tangible ways is financial. I've had the same job for almost three years. That's the longest I've had a job since college. I've got a couple thousand in stocks, I've got about five grand in my 401K, and I've even got money left over in my checking after paying all the bills every month.

But the one thing that really kept making me feel poor was my car. After my camaro completely fell apart two years ago, I knew I couldn't finance a new car, or even a good used car. So, Nerdstar and I pulled together all the money we could and bought the ugly assed 89 Buick LeSabre that didn't even have an a/c. At the time I didn't think it was that big a deal, it was only for driving to work. Nerdstar's car had a great a/c for all the other driving we do. Then, as you all know, her family took it back with them to Houston while she's on active duty.

So, long story longer. Last night I did a couple of hours of searching on the internet for a reasonable used car at a reasonable price that I would summon the courage to go see if I could get financing for. And I found one!

I got up at 7:30 this morning, got to the used car place just after they opened at 8 and asked if they still had the car I'd looked at - a 1997 Buick Skylark with under 50K miles for $5K - and they did!! It was the easiest sale the guy could make.

At about 12:30 this afternoon I finally drove away in my new car. I feel very grown up! I was even very savy. I'd signed all the paperwork and was waiting for the salesman to come back and decided to look it over one more time. The finance guy had gone over stuff about a "guarantee" for so many months and so many miles, I hadn't realized they had added over $2250 to the total price of the car. Sneaky bastards! So, I walked right back in there and said that we could take that off, I didn't really need it. My payments are only $134 a month for three years. The only reason I'd take that long to pay it off would be just to have a longer payment history for my credit record. I don't see taking more than two years to pay it off really.

The rest of my summer should be much happier now!! Next weekend I'm going to head up to Dallas and see my family, and not sweat off ten pounds doing so!

Thanks

Thanks for all the feedback! I'm feeling better today. Hopefully Nerdstar can get some info about everything so we can make some decisions.

We're kinda thinking that the house buying would only be here in Austin, since I have a steady, stable job here. Moving to the Tacoma area AND buying a house would probably be a little riskier than we'd like.

I'm just one of those people who needs a plan of action - even if every two days I completely re-write the plan. And I'm not sure which plan is scarrier - committing to buying a house, or picking up and moving to another part of the country and looking for work. I know that nothing's permanent, but I guess I'm getting more cautious in my old age. Nerdstar hasn't really decided what her preferences are either. Hopefully our conversations yesterday helped us to get on the same page and she can decide what she's most comfortable with.

No matter what, once she knows she's headed overseas for sure, I'll go up there for a week or two, depending on how far in advance she knows.

No Plan

Ok, my mood has improved to mildly frustrated. I keep racking my brain to come up with a PLAN and just can't. I'm about to decide I'm a big ole coward. Or at the least I'm way too cautious. I talk about life being short, and that you shouldn't base decisions on money, but I'm not really living that way. It looks like Nerdstar will be in Tacoma maybe as late as October. She wants me to come up there and spend some time, a week, a month, something. I keep saying the logistics are too hard. I don't know how to find someone to take care of the house and pets if I'm gone that long. (Ok, I haven't tried very hard yet.) I keep trying to ration out my vacation days. But, I could probably take more time off if I needed to, even if I have to take it unpaid. I also don't want to spend that much money right now. I have this really strong desire to save all of the money possible until she's done and home. I'm trying to work on the delayed gratification theory.

There's still no word or new information about her maybe getting transferred to Kansas - which has it's own pros and cons.

If every day didn't feel like a week this wouldn't be so hard.

Then there's the whole this job doesn't make me happy, but I don't want to risk a different one crap. School starts August 19th in Austin. I've thought about going back to being a substitute teacher. The take home pay wouldn't be that much less but I wouldn't have any benefits. Then again, I could roll my 401K over into a Roth IRA, and I haven't used the $400 I've paid into my medical insurance this year anyway. The essential question is, do I want to be in a boring easy job where I can surf the web most of the day but that frustrates me for reasons I can never really explain, or do I want to take a chance and deal with little kids every day. (Although I'm certified to teach grades 6-12, I would probably substitute in elementary schools, the older kids in Austin are just too tough.)

Well, I've got three weeks (or longer really) to decide about subbing. Maybe, just maybe in that time Nerdstar will know more about the army's plans for her. If I could just get my brain to let it all go until then.

Monday

It's almost noon here and I'm catching up on reading websites and having leftover Cheesecake Factory's Hersey's Chocolate Almond Fudge cheesecake for breakfast. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the only thing I eat today. Although, I really need to go to the grocery store.

Well, Nerdstar is on a plane from Dallas to Seattle right now. I miss having her around the house!! We tried like hell to find a later flight or find a way for her to stay one more day. We couldn't. I'm really, really ready for her to be done with all this and come home. I can't even imagine how all the people with loved ones over in Iraq feel. I know I'm lucky that we can at least visit each other while she's stateside. My second wish is that we had any idea what's next and when.

I've spent the last two days trying to decide if I want to fix the a/c in my car, which would cost about a grand, get a different older used car for under four or five grand, or make car payments on a newer car. All I can say is that I hate spending money and as of this morning the answer is none of the above. I don't want to put that much money into the piece of shit that I'm driving. I don't feel like taking my chances with another used car. And I really don't want to get locked into car payments until we know what's going to happen with Nerdstar.

Hopefully she can get another pass to come home labor day weekend. By then I'll make up my mind.

I could have gone in to work for half a day, but it seemed like too much effort. Now I'll feel guilty if I don't do something productive around the house. We'll see.

Hope Deferred

This entry by ConfigSysBoy is probably just what I need today.

For a real dreamer of dreams the things we hope for can never really be defeated, only deferred. We are confident in our ability to achieve the impossible and to overcome the insurmountable because we believe in the power of dreams. The dreamers can be hard pressed on every side, but can never really be crushed. They can be struck down, but they refuse to be destroyed. A dreamer never gives up and therein lies the power of dreams. They sustain us for as long as we are willing to believe in them. And we know, regardless of what others may say, that one day we can make them real because we know that it is we who are the music makers.

Go read the whole entry.

There's a verse in the bible that talks about hope deferred makes the heart sick. Something to that affect.

I think that's what's getting me down this week. The double wammy of spending time with Nerdstar only to have to come back to an empty house and no idea of when she'll be home for good. Then, the joy of spending time with Zachary only to miss him and then just end up being so damn sad that we don't have kids, that I can't have kids, and that it's going to be a while before Nerdstar can try to get pregnant.

Sometimes it just takes more effort and energy than I feel like giving to stay upbeat and positive. Chasing dreams can seem a lot like spinning wheels - always moving, never obtaining.

Cute Date

I got to spend last night with the cutest boy I know - my nephew Zachary! My brother and a friend of his have Tuesday and Wednesday off, so they came down to Austin to bum around and brought Zachary for me! They got here about 3 yesterday afternoon so I got to show Zach off at work :-) Then we went home to play with the dog. It was funny, Zach gave Ramen a bone to chew on. Then Zach layed on the floor by him and started to gnaw on a 5lb dumbell that's the same shape as Ramen's bone. Too cute! (No, I didn't let him gnaw on it for long.) We went to Luby's for dinner and then stopped by a park close to the house on the way home. He loves to climb on everything, but it was good to see that he's fairly cautious about it. My goal was to tire him out! It worked, he slept thru the night! My brother and his friend got in sometime in the middle of the night and crashed in the living room. It's not easy sharing a bed with a two year old! He was always right up against me with his hot little body or was sideways in the bed taking up the whole thing. I spent the whole night on the edge of the bed. It reminded me of when my brother and I were little kids and he'd be scared and come sleep with me. Zach is just like him in that. He's such a good kid, and he's fun to watch because he loves to entertain!

Anyway. I know this is as exciting as reading about pets!

Average Results

I've been keeping a secret from you guys. I was waiting to see how it turned out before mentioning it. I took the LSAT earlier this month. It's kinda hard to explain why. Nerdstar kept telling me I should go to law school. Actually, I've had several people throughout my life tell me that. But it's really never appealed to me. About a year ago I was contemplating getting an MBA. But I don't really want to do that either. What I want is to have a couple of kids and stay home with them. That's not working out any time really soon. That coupled with Nerdstar's having trouble getting into a "real" career, got me to thinking that maybe I should try to pursue a career and she can stay home with the future babies.

So, I thought, what the hell, let's see just how smart I am and how well I do on the LSAT. I got a couple of practice books and mostly ignored them. I knew there was the one kind of question I'd never learn how to do. (I was mostly right.)

Before the test started I was listening to the other test takers talk about career aspirations and the prep classes they had taken for the test. That's when it really sank in that I wasn't that serious.

So, I made a 151 - which is in the 50th percentile. I got 60 of 101 questions right. Which is funny, after taking it I told Nerdstar and my mom that if I got half of the questions right I'd be happy.

I'm pretty sure that score, combined with my lousy undergrad grades, won't get me into law school. But this weekend Nerdstar and I will talk it all over and see if I'm going to bother to apply. Maybe.

I do know that I wouldn't be doing criminal law. It'd either be contracts and negotiations, or intellectual property law. Something like that.

I thought I'd feel more disappointed with my results, but honestly, I don't. It makes me feel pretty damn average, but that's the way I've felt my whole life.

Sunday Riding

Sigh. It's 8:45 Sunday night and the weekend is ending. I must say, it was a nice weekend. It would all have been better with Nerdstar here, but, I'll take what I can get.

Today I got up about 8, went to Rudy's and had some breakfast tacos. (Taco Cabana still has the best ones though.) Then I rode to the other side of town to meet up with the other women riders. It was cool, while we were getting everyone ready to go, this other chick on a bike rode by and saw us all and joined us for the day. We rode about 250 miles today. My arms and butt feel it!! As much as I bitch about the weather, it is good for motorcycle rides. I was smart and wore a long sleeved t-shirt and my riding gloves so I wouldn't get all blistered. I'm a very white girl and am content to leave it that way.

The Texas hill country is so fantastic for riding. We passed goats and cows and horses. Because we had some rain earlier this month, everything is still green instead of a dry brown. There are even still yellow and purple wildflowers along the sides of the roads. The roads are usually two lane winding hilly ones that sometimes feel like a rollercoaster, especially when I could see eight or nine other bikes in front of me like connected rollercoaster cars.

Our first stop about noon was this little bar called Friendlies in one of the small towns we rode thru. Then we rode out to this place called Enchanted Rock. You're riding along this two lane highway with all the green hills around, then you come up on this BIG red rounded mound of rock. It's a ride I'd like to do again in the fall when we have at least a little fall color in the leaves.

Riding has the same affect on my brain playing trombone did in high school. It really slows down the pace of thought. I pondered getting a helmet with a radio or something for long rides, but I really think I like the quiet (well, not that it's very quiet with the engine and the wind) better than music. I've usually got enough songs stuck in my head anyway.

I took a few pics, but haven't uploaded them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Saturday

Have I mentioned how hot it is? It's going to be close to 100 every day for the next three months. With relentless sunshine. Have I mentioned that I hate hot and sunshine?? I do. I think I react to too much sunshine the way other people react to too much rain.

I got up about 9 this morning to go get my motorcycle tuned and inspected. It was already 90 degrees out. I also went by the bank and got a new battery for my digital camera. Then, I was very, very nice and took Ramen to the park. There weren't too many dogs there for him to run around with, and I think it made him a little sad. And just because all that didn't make me sweaty enough, I came home and weedeated the tiny back yard.

You know the best thing about watching four episodes of Buffy or Angel right before going to bed? The fantastic dreams.

Nerdstar's sister is visiting her in Tacoma this weekend. Eleven more days and I'll finally get to see her!

The rest of today is web surfing, chanel surfing, dinner and maybe the bookstore. Yes folks, it's that exciting around here!

Calm Weekend

It turned out to be a nice relaxing weekend with nice weather thrown in. Yesterday was relaxing, then I met up with a friend for dinner and we went to see XMen 2. It was better than I thought it would be.

I went to a church service this morning. I won't be going back, but it was nice that being there didn't completely piss me off. I might have had a break thru with God yesterday, I'm not sure yet. But I'm much more calm today.

It's also fun hanging out with the pets. It's hard to feel really lonely with two cats and a dog always around me. My cat is always lying at least on my feet while I'm on the sofa watching tv. The dog is either lying beside the sofa, or behind it. And Little Man lies under the window usually belly up airing out! If I switch rooms they all go with me - even follow me to the bathroom every time. It's fun to watch the cats yell at the dog because he's in their way and they can't get to me. They're all so weird, but they're mine :-) Poor Nerdstar misses them almost as much as she misses me.

Weird Day

How do you follow up a night of getting to sleep around 3:30 am and waking up just after 6:00 am? Apparently with death.

When I got to work this morning my manager told me one of our co-workers mother's had died of a heart attack. She had just been in town for a visit, had gotten back home, had her arm go numb, made it to the hosipital, but died of a heart attack. My co-worker is just about my age. She's very close to her family, and I'm so sad for her.

When I got home from work, my mother called to tell me that a woman I'd grown up with in church, who is a year older than me, died in the hospital today of pnemonia. She'd had some other health problems in the last year, but this certainly wasn't expected. My parents are really good friends with her parents. They've all attended the same church since I was a small child, and they play Skipbo and do dinner almost every Friday night.

So on a day when my heart was already very heavy, these two events.

Oddly enough, I also ran into a woman who used to work where I do and she told me she's finally pregnant. They've been trying for a long time, so this is really cool.

Life is just a sleezy stranger, and this is his favorite bar. Or something like that.

Sleepless

I slept for about two and a half hours last night. Surprisingly, my head isn't hitting the desk at work yet today. I tried going to bed and to sleep, but this idea of not having Nerdstar around for a whole year just makes me too damn sad. I can't wrap my brain around that time frame. Yes, if this actually happens and she's gone for a year, when she gets home we'll have enough money in the bank to do pretty much whatever we want. But I'm not sure I'm thinking that's a fair trade at this point.

Ugh!

I've also been overdosing on Buffy dvds for the past few days. Tonight I'll be watching the last disc of Season 3. Wow. Season 3 was amazing! I loved Willow as a vampire - I loved that she said her vampire self was a little gay. I'm not sure if the writers knew at that point that's where the character was heading. It's been fun seeing just how many rainbow things Willow wears in the first three seasons. I'm also amazed at the acting ability of the cast. That Alyson can play both the nice Willow and the vamp Willow so convincingly in the same episode was fantastic. Not to mention David B. had to do all that good Angel/bad Angel stuff. But I can't help but be sad for Faith. It only helps a little knowing that she comes thru in the end.

That's my life these days. One damn day at a time.

OH... K's Choice was in one of the Season 3 episodes. Wow. I'd forgotten about them and her voice. Can anyone recommend their best cd?

Saturday

I really hate having to give entries titles, I'm just not very good at it.

Thanks for the suggestion Andrew. What I did was to uninstall it all, and then went to Kodak.com and downloaded the software from there. Not only did it work, it seems I've got even more options now.

Well, the Mavs sucked last night. Thankfully, they don't score so few points very often.

It was weird waking up today and knowing that unless I stike up a conversation with a stranger (provided I leave the house to make that possible), I just might not talk to anyone until I meet up for lunch on Monday.

I've lived alone before, and been lonely before. But this time seems to be very different. In the past I had friends but no lover - and that brings a certain type of loneliness. Now I've got a lover who's out of town, and not really any friends. It's a different kind of loneliness. Hard to explain. I mean, how many people honestly don't have any friends they can call up and hang out with?

I'm working on making new friends. It always just seems harder than it should. It was nice last night hanging out with the biker chicks. We had a nice little ride and went to a place called The Pier that's on the river that runs thru Austin that we call Town Lake. The town part is true, but not the lake. I must say, Austin is a beautiful city to ride a motorcyle thru.

Nerdstar went to Vancouver for the weekend with a couple of other women in her unit up there. They're kind of annoying, but it's better than spending the weekend in the barracks alone. One funny thing is that they keep talking about men and sex and trying to get Ching in on it all. She doesn't want to outright tell them she's gay - it being the Army and all. I just can't imagine that they're so dense they don't figure it out.

Well, I'm off to the store for some dog food to make the dog happy.

Weekend

Whew. I hadn't realized how hazy and overcast it had been until we had two days of pure, unrelenting sunshine! Instead of being one of those people who head south for the winter, I want to be one who heads north for the summer!!

It was a good weekend. Yesterday I got up and took Ramen to the park before it got too hot. I don't even have to put him on his leash to get him to and from the car, that's cool. He just runs around with the other dogs and plays in the creek. Even just being out there about an hour I got a sunburn, though. I've got a nice farmers tan from motorcycle riding, so I decided to wear a tank top and try to even it out some. Solarcane's aloe vera gel is very, very nice. I picked up some Rudy's bbq on the way home - yummy! Then it was a quiet afternoon of tv and Buffy dvds. Then, as the previous posts says, the Mavs beat the Kings! It'll be interesting watching them play San Antonio - they both have completely different styles of play.

Today was fun. Last week I did a google search for women motorcycle riders in Austin and found a group. A few of them did a ride today, so I tagged along. It was so nice to ride with other women. I felt safer. It was also nice to not have to think about where I was going, but to just relax and follow along. They were all lesbians, too, so that made it even better.

Remember how I've written that I don't feel my outside matches my inside? Well, one of the women riding today was also named Beth - and she looks like I think I look :-) She's about 5'9", long red curly hair, and the bluest eyes. Maybe if I get to know her I'll tell her. I didn't want to sound too weird meeting these ladies for the first time.

Sometimes I worry that if I go out and meet new people while Nerdstar is gone, I'll meet someone who just blows me away. But what I found today is that meeting new people just makes me miss her more. She's my one and only Nerdstar, and she's pretty damn irreplaceable.

Hope your weekend was just as fun!