Beth's Contradictory Brain

Work and Not Work

I still have mixed feelings about this working part-time stuff.

The off days problems. I sometimes have a hard time finding useful things to do to fill up my two days a week off - you know, things other than playing online poker and watching movies. Part of that has been due to weather. It's been either cold or rainy or both and that doesn't help my self motivation problems. The organization I thought I might do some volunteering with hasn't worked out yet, maybe it's a slow time for them. Plus, every time they have an orientation I'm either out of town or working. I looked at another website for local volunteer opportunities, and just didn't see anything I'm interested in. You'd think there'd be enough house cleaning to keep my busy. I find I just don't like doing housework much. Or maybe I'm still waiting for it to feel enough like spring to do a good "spring cleaning."

Then there's the work part of life. It's no less stupid around work. I keep thinking if things at work improved I could go back to full time. But in spite of hiring several new people, there are still about four (of ten) doing 80% of the work. One of the new girls only lasted about two weeks - she was kinda nuts. I'm not sure how some of these people get through all the hiring process. We've got one lady at work who talks constantly. Literally. Things are also more chaotic at work, partly due to the new people. They just don't pay enough attention to details and mistakes are being made. This is not a job where mistakes should be tolerated. But they are. That frustrates me to no end. Our boss is on vacation for the next three weeks. Maybe the supervisor can get people better on track and making less mistakes.

I know it should be an enviable position to be in, not having to work all the time. I'm still working on how to make the most of it.

Weekend Update

Nerdstar had to journey to NJ for the last funeral for her father. I wish for her sake that her family was nicer, more supportive, but they're just not that kind of people.

Me, well, I'm just hangin with the pets this weekend. The weather was too nice to not take Ramen dog to the park. Plus, it tires him out for the day and the cats get a break from being chased. It's suppose to rain the next few days - ugh.

Other than that I'm watching basketball and taking long naps.

I watched part of the coverage of the Pope being here in DC and then in NY. I've been a Christian all of my life, but I've never really understood Catholicism. (I understand what all the Catholic church believes and it's history, I guess I just don't "get" why.) Anyway. His visit still seemed like a good/cool thing.

We decided to renew our lease for another year. Nerdstar was fantastic and got them to not raise our rent! If we're still here in six or seven months and aren't moving in the foreseeable future, we'll start looking at houses. But when Nerdstar gets job offers almost every other week or so, it's hard to say what's going to happen. Ninety percent of the those jobs are here in the DC area, but we can always hope for somewhere in Texas or the North West. As long as the $$ keeps going up :-)

A Year Ago

One thing I said during Nerdstar's Iraq adventures was that I could only hope time continued to move so slowly once life got back to normal.

Well, a year ago we moved here to DC (start at the bottom), and it does seem to have been a long year. That first month was so terrible. We could never get internet access in the ghetto apartment, so we'd go to a diner with our laptops and try to get stuff done. One night when it was becoming apparent we couldn't stay at that apartment and were going to have to pack up everything AGAIN and find another place and all that hassle, we were sitting in the car at the diner and I pretty much just lost it. We discussed me actually just moving back to Austin and Nerdstar staying in DC. Not good.

Life in DC isn't our ideal life. But it's not a bad place to be. I've kinda gotten used to it taking forever to get somewhere and all the hassles of parking. We're about to renew our lease for another year. This time next year with any luck we'll be moving into a house.

But, there's just no telling where things will be this time next year.

More of the story

I really am at a loss sometimes on what to do. Far too often I am totally out of patience. I go from trying hard to be upbeat and calm to pissed off and frustrated like a Porsche goes from 0 to 60. This is both at work and at home.

It seems like no matter how hard I resolve to be like a duck and let things just pass by like water off a duck's back - there seems to be something every day that just pushes me over the edge.

With Nerdstar it's almost (but not exclusively) always about all the damn time she's spending on army bullshit - in spite of telling me she's really trying to resign her commission. She had drill again this weekend. And although she did get home when she said she would this afternoon - she's now spent the past hour and a half and counting on a phone call with her commander. WTF? (Not to mention she's got the dog out for a walk and he's getting totally wet in the rain and fucking up the bath he just had the other day.)

Now, granted it was a hard week for her regarding all the bullshit with her unit - and it's taken a toll on her as well. But that just makes it that much harder for me to understand why she doesn't just stop doing all this bullshit until the resignation comes through.

As for work, well... most days it comes down to me and a couple of other people busting our butts while everyone else slacks off and bitches and moans. That and our manager being a useless pussy who won't tell anyone no or make them do what he's asked them to do makes for lots of fun.

And I just don't know what to do.

Add all this to having to deal with dumb as dirt AT&T cell phone customer service reps who were totally wrong with their diagnosis and therefore tried to sell me a phone I wouldn't have needed - and - having the groomer at the vets office totally mangle Ramen's gorgeous tale when I'd suggested to Nerdstar that the vet might not be the best place to take him for grooming. (I don't think any pet enjoys hanging out at the vets office all day listening to other pets being treated.)

It just seems like a never ending supply of frustrations. And I am completely out of whatever it takes to handle such things. I've burst into tears twice in the past two weeks.

Life is Good... But...

Life is still feeling pretty good. Sometimes it almost scares me. I haven't felt this positive about life, and life with Nerdstar, in I don't know how long. And I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes life feel good. We're both healthy. We live in a decent area. We're both working. She's not off somewhere being a soldier.

Is that all there is to it? Really?

I don't know. Is this the don't look a gift horse in the mouth thing? Probably.

And I'm feeling closer to God these days. There are little aspects of my life as a Christian several years ago that are creeping back in. Part of it is why I'm in the line of work I'm in. I'm good with people. And even better, I'm good at drawing blood. I cannot tell you the number of patients so far this week who have told me "you have a soft touch" or "you have great hands" or one man even told me "you have angel hands." I don't take that lightly. Some of these patients get their blood drawn weekly, bi-weekly, monthly - they know whether you're good or not. How does that relate to God? It's part of my "even smiling at strangers makes a difference" theology. If I can make the hassle of having your blood drawn just a little better than you expected, and maybe make your day just a little better, well, isn't that how God works?

The one part of my life that I am still really sad about is a lack of friends. I really, really miss having friends, having someone to hang with, to chat with. I know we haven't been in the area long. And it's hard to meet people. But it's been a long time since I've had a really good, close friend. And that's not how my life used to be. I always had a lot of good friends. Right up until I lost all my Christian friends by embracing being gay.

Along with the bad apple at work and all the frustration that brings, this is the first job I've ever had where I haven't made friends with at least one co-worker.

Anyway. That's my rambling on this Wed. night.

Traveling and Birthdays

We had a really nice weekend visiting my family. The travels all went smoothly, although I'm not sure I'll opt for the 6:25 a.m. flight again. We had to get up way too early!

It was great to spend time with The Kid again. I wish we could see him a lot more often! I posted a couple of pics on my photo blog. And I just can't tell you how much he loves Nerdstar - it's so cute. But that also means he bosses her around and won't let her out of his site all weekend.

We got to eat some Whatburgers and at Salt Grass - so life was very good. We always wish we had more days to eat more meals when we're in Texas!!

Now, I think we're both ready to get settled into our new life in DC. Just a few more boxes to unpack, groceries to buy, things like that.

Not The Life For Me

My childhood was very white bread surburban. My Mom was a stay at home mom. My Dad did his tour with the Army, came home, married Mom and got a job I think he intended to keep until he retired. They've lived in the same house for almost 40 years and attended the same church that long as well. Dinner was on the table every evening around 5, Dad read the paper until it was time to eat. After dinner it was tv, then bed. I did my homework right after school.

There was racial diversity in my schools though. One of the first boys I liked was Hispanic. In high school I dated all kinds of boys. The boy next door (literally), an Indian, an Afrian American, Hispanic, all American white boys. Smart, not so smart. Then I ended my high school years dating a girl. Pretty diverse. My poor parents, I'm not sure they were happy with all that diversity. But I must say, they always treated anyone I brought home with respect.

All that to say, I'm not sure why it is I'm not happy in a small, 85% white town.

There were times in my past I would day dream about living a fairly solitary life in a cabin in the mountains. Or I thought that as long as I had cable and the internet I could live fairly happily in any small town.

But Nerdstar and I both find that's not the case.

I don't know how people enjoy life in small towns. Life without really good restaurants. I mean, you have to enjoy cooking to live in a small town. But even if you like to cook - the grocery stores don't have a wide variety of high quality food. Yes, you can get a haircut, but it might not be that great a haircut.

I guess we were really, really spoiled living in Austin. We had access to high quality everything. Yet, it didn't feel like an expensive life. But I know we both now believe that some things are worth paying for, just maybe not on a very frequent schedule. A good haircut or massage every four or five months. A trip to a high end grocery store once a month. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't shop at Wal Mart even if there were a Whole Foods nearby.

Whatever the reasons, and there are quite a few, we've learned we're not made for small town life. It feels like we've retired forty years too early.

Thankfully, there's a light at the end of this tunnel, and we hope to know within a week or so if we're moving.

Bleh Weekend

Nerdstar's status within the Army Reserves is kinda weird. She got a promotion, but she doesn't have a unit to belong to, and on top of that, can't really do anything "real" with the AR until she goes to Officer Basic Camp - which neither of us is in any hurry for her to do. (We have some other things we'd like to see happen before that.)

In spite of all of that, she found out she still has to do her monthly weekend drills.

So yep, that's where she's at this weekend. It's only 7:30 to 4:00 Saturday and Sunday. But it means she can't sleep in this weekend, and we can't run errands during the day when it's marginally warmer.

Speaking of warmer. Ugh. I think I'm really tired of being cold. We had two weeks of snow every day - but it was warmer. Now we've had two weeks of high temps not being above 13. This week isn't looking too much better.

Being from Texas, I'm used to the Sun being all powerful. Here I find it's a total wimp compared to cold. You know it's cold out when the sun shines almost all day and nothing outside is melting!!

16 Months

In 16 months I'll be 40. Sixteen seems like a big number. But not so much to me.

If I'm average, I'll have half of my life left. And not necessarily the better half. If I'm lucky, and if things like nanotechnology and all the medical discoveries about to be made on all those baby boomers pan out, I'm only 1/3 done with my life. Yes, 120 would be just fine with me. Because if I'm only 1/3 done, there might be less pressure. Pressure for what?

I wish I knew. I've spent my whole life feeling like I want to do something helpful. I want to make a difference in people's lives. When I was in my church going days it seemed simpler, but I can't say that I really felt I was making much difference. I've always believed making a difference can be as simple as smiling at strangers. But I've always wanted something just a little bigger.

Funny - sixteen years ago I graduated college with a sociology degree. Haven't done a thing with it.

Then twelve years ago I got certified to teach. One of my biggest disappointments is that I've never really taught. In one of my life's ironies - if I'd stayed put back where I grew up I almost certainly would have had a teaching job right after student teaching. Instead, I moved to Austin. That might have been one of the worst decisions I've made. Then again, maybe not. Hard to say.

I mostly know the life I want to have. A house, a kid, maybe a job I enjoy, maybe staying home with the kids, some good friends, some small part in the community I live in. I think all that would be enough. And it doesn't seem like any of it should be so hard to obtain.

Sixteen months. 40.

Wrong Assumptions

It was a mostly dull weekend. Nerdstar had to go to Army drill Friday night, then all day Saturday and Sunday. So that meant we didn't really get to do anything fun. She still hasn't gotten word on when she can take her oath for her promotion, so we don't know if/when that will happen, or what will happen after that in her military career.

We experienced some sticker shock (for lack of a better term) when she got her first paycheck. When she agreed to take this job at a certain salary, we picked that salary partly because it seemed reasonable, and partly because we thought it would be a decent raise from her army pay. Well, what we didn't know is that apparently if Uncle Sam owns your ass, he doesn't take out very much in taxes. In the Army you get lots of pay "extras" like housing and such, that equals lots of money, that I'm not thinking gets taxes. So although I'm pretty sure her base pay is more, her takehome pay will now be substantially less due to taxes. That was incredibly depressing to realize.

Part of the reason we moved here was that life was supposed to be cheaper on a higher salary. Well, both rent and things like cable and utilities appear to be more than we were hoping, while take home pay is a lot less.

Couple all of that with the outlook for me getting a job is also a lot more grim than I anticipated and I've been rather depressed the past week or so.

But, that's how life is. If I know nothing else, I know that things will change again. Hopefully for the better.

Here

Yesterday I was up at 1:30 a.m. trying to get the cats in their huge cage before they could hide under the bed. I finally got back to sleep about 4 and the alarm went off at 6:30 to get ready for the movers, who were fantastic and showed up at 7:30. Of course, the rain started about 1 a.m. and ended, oh, today.

I finally got on the road about 12:30 yesterday. I had to cancel the water service and turn in the cable box and turn in the apt. keys before I could leave town.

At about 6:30 last night I finally had to give up driving in the rain with all the big rigs and their splatter. I was exhausted.

I did at least get to watch Heroes in the hotel before trying to fall asleep!

I was going to get up and hit the road early this morning, but I had to wait for the rain to finally, finally stop. Ugh.

So after driving another 9 or so hours today through some of the really beautiful parts of this country - I'm finally in our new town. I saw the little house we're renting. It's cute, but little. Not sure where we'll put everything. It'll be lots of fun looking for a house to buy in Jan/Feb when there are ? feet of snow on the ground.

Well, my brain and body are fried. More to follow soon...

Movin Right Along

I've got the Muppet Movie song in my head.

Apparently, everything has fallen into place. Nerdstar found a decent little house to rent and has scheduled the movers for bright and early Monday morning!

Today was my last day at work. I'm not at all sad to be leaving Kansas City, but I am sad to be leaving my job. It's the best job I've had in many years. It was weird driving home thinking that was the last time I'll see that place.

I've gotten, I'd say, 90% of our stuff packed, but man, this last 10% is the hard part. And I think I'm going to run out of boxes. (Yes, I saved almost all of the boxes from the last move.)

Monday morning is going to be hectic. I've got to get up early and get the two cats into their huge cage before the movers get here and/or they decide it's time to hide under the bed. Then, after the movers pack everything in their truck, I've got to do all the little stuff, like turn in the apt. keys, cancel the PO box and forward the mail, cancel the cable, electic, water, and gas. Fortunately, half of that can be done by phone.

Then it's the two day drive to my new, unseen, home.

Nerdstar's in charge of getting everything up and running at the new place, but I'll be in charge of what goes where and unpacking.

I'm not sure how long before we'll get internet set up at the new place, but we'll post what we can when we can.

October 16

That's the day Nerdstar starts her new job in a small town in Pennsylvania. The $$ was too good to say no to.

She got the job offer Monday while she's in Houston for a few days visiting her sister.

My emotions have been a roller coaster ever since. I'll be a little sad to leave my job, but am also aware that a year from now I'll wonder why I was sad. It's no secret we're not crazy about KC, but we're moving to a really small town, in the mountains of PA. It could be a frying pan/fire thing - but I don't think so. One thing I've hoped for in our new location is some really good outdoor activities. Well, if we can handle all the snow, there should be plenty to do outdoors. We'll see if I can get my fat ass in shape enough to even try skiing some bunny hills!

As of now I have no idea how the logistics of this are going to work out. We were planning on going to see The Kid the weekend of the 20th. It's 8 1/2 hours here to Dallas, 15 hours here to PA, and 20 hours Dallas to PA. Not much of that sounds fun. Plus all the packing and finding somewhere to live in said small town.

So that's our good news. Anyone want to come help pack??

Simply Cursed

I'm not sure I can, in good faith, allow Nerdstar to fly anywhere ever again.

After having been all kinds of delayed on her flights to and from Japan, she had to fly again yesterday and today for a job interview in PA (which I'll let her tell you all about).

Not only was one of her flights cancelled yesterday, resulting in her driving instead of flying from Pittsburg to the middle of nowhere PA, but flying home today one of the flights was running too late for her to make her connecting flight - so she had to do all sorts of scrambing to find another flight home. Thankfully she won't be home too much later than she was originally going to be, but wow, this is getting absurd!!

Misc.

It's been a decent week so far. I'm sure glad that not only is tomorrow Friday, but it's a long weekend. Saturday is haircuts and massages!

Work has been ok this week. I've mostly been at other locations that the main draw station I work at. At one place I'm the only phleb there, and the other there are two of us and a lot less patients. I'm not crazy about working a location by myself, but I guess it's a sure fire way to learn more!

It's mostly nice having Nerdstar home, but damn can that girl frustrate me. I asked one thing of her Monday night - that she be home when I get home so we can cook dinner and spend time together. Well, days two and three of that request - didn't happen. Bleh.

Other than that not much to write about.

Weekend

Nerdstar finally landed back in KC about 1 a.m. Friday night. I had been watching the weather radar online and saw there was going to be a short clearing - thankfully the pilots had had a long day and saw the same clearing and took it.

It's been a good weekend, too much food, but that's life with my Nerdstar!

We went to see Little Miss Sunshine today. I loved it!! I don't think I've seen a better cast movie than that - could the expressions on the sons face have been any more perfect? And while I kept wondering what in the world the grandpa was rehearsing with the little girl, even I didn't see that routine coming! But in the end - isn't that how families are - doing the right thing and looking out for each other when push comes to shove?

On an unrelated note. We've taken to calling living in the midwest living in pergatory. I've also written about how at least 75% of my patients at work are old white people. The other week when one of the doctor's offices was closed and we got all of their patients as well, the door opened and in walked six or seven OWPs rather slowly. I looked up and caught a glimpse and had to walk to another part of the office and laugh - I was totally reminded of Night of the Living Dead and zombies! I told that to one of my coworkers and they laughed, too. I guess it's only fitting that there are the living dead in pergatory.

Just a little more waiting

About midnight my time, Nerdstar will be getting on a plane and heading back home to me. I think as of right now she's probably on the 3 hour bus ride to the airport.

As for me, between now and picking her up at the airport, I've got to be at work at 7:30 (an hour and a half earlier than usual) and on top of that - it's just me and the manager working the first hour and a half - fun! I'm literally praying no patients come through the door during that time! It's going to be a long 5 hours at work before hitting the door.

I told Nerdstar that I'm so very, very glad she's coming home on a Friday afternoon so we have all weekend together, but that it also means I don't have the energy to get the house all cleaned before she gets here. In the three hours between leaving work and picking her up at the airport, I have to at least wrap her welcome home presents!

I'm ready to have my snuggle bunny home with me again. I certainly hope she's as tired of her being away from home as I am!

Building A Life

As is so often the case with my entries, this one is full of half formed thoughts and ideas.

How do you build the life you want? Or more to the point, how do I build the life I want?

I believe the past seven or eight years brought about an almost complete deconstruction of me. The year I turned 30 I changed everything I could change. Then came Nerdstar and the year + of Iraq and unemployment. I can only hope that was the low point of my life. Then came the move to the midwest.

But for reasons I can not articulate, I truly believe a corner has been turned. It's crazy how just having a job I feel good at has helped that feeling of optimism.

And while we aren't at all sure where Nerdstar's next job will be, I'm hoping it's safe to say that within the next two months or so, we'll be moving again.

The next two building blocks I hope and pray for are a baby and even just a small set of friends - maybe a group to play poker and ride motorcycles with.

Building blocks of life.

Outsider

It's been a decent weekend. One more on my own before Nerdstar returns.

In my cross-training duties at work, there were a couple of afternoons last week I got to work with one of the ladies (R) who was really helpful back when I was taking the phleb class. She works for the same boss, but over in a different lab location. Back during the class, the only guy in the class was in a band, so Nerdstar and I, one of the instructors and her husband, and R and a friend went to check him out. The only problem was, it wasn't his band playing that night. Oh well, the band that did play was pretty good.

This week R mentioned going out to hear some music at this new venue she's found, so Friday after work we met up with another friend of hers for dinner and then some more ladies joined us at the club to hear music.

R's asked how Nerdstar's doing, and we've talked a little about her being gone and my trip over there and such, talked a little about what comes next after Nerdstar comes home - as in who knows what's next. She refers to Nerdstar as "your girlfriend" but I'm almost positive she uses the term "girlfriend" as a generic term as some straight women are known to do. I let it slide and usually answer the best I can.

So, it was kinda funny, kinda ironic when we were at dinner and all of the sudden R leans in and comments on how one of the young women at the table diagonol from us is caressing the other young woman's leg with her foot - and then goes on to say how she doesn't mind people being like that - as long as she doesn't have to see it. I almost choked laughing, but caught myself. She asked if I minded and said of course I didn't. HA! Straight women can be so confusing!

It was cool listening to the jazz band. There was some vibe about the venue that had me craving getting high like no one's business. Another irony, R and one of her friends had talked about how people they knew were always smoking pot, but evidently they don't. So while I was only one degree separated from pot, there's no way I could try to get some.

I had a rum and coke and was pretty tired and my contacts were drying out, so I was pretty mellow. I'd listen to the band and let my mind wander. I tried to peg just what it is that made me feel so different from the other women at the table. And it was nothing to do with race or sexual orientation. (I was the only white chick.)

I just can't quite adequately express it. It was just a microcosm of why I don't like living in the Midwest.

One thing I noticed was an attitude toward tipping. I'm one of those people who tends to tip fairly well due to having waited tables in the past. What I realized was that these women have the view that they work hard for their money (and they do) and that they're not going to tip you well unless they think you've worked hard to earn it. It's not a huge thing, but it's just one of those differences of perspective that feels big.

I grew up lower middle class. But somehow I never knew that. I never felt like I lacked for anything. Although I think I got sensible money habits from my parents. But I don't view life as a poor, struggling person.

I really don't know how to express any of it. I can sit and talk and joke and have a decent time with those ladies. But I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's just the whole thing, maybe it is that I'm white, I'm college educated, I don't perceive myself as poor and underclass, I'm gay, I've traveled.

It sure would be nice to find a city and a group of friends I don't feel like an outsider in.

Life

I know my blogging has been kinda lame lately.

In some ways there really isn't much going on. Nerdstar heads back to Japan tomorrow after laying her grandma to rest. I can only hope that from a distance I've been at least a little comfort to her.

That said, in some ways I'll be glad when she's back in Japan because we'll actually be able to talk more. She hasn't had a cell phone with her in Houston, and, of course, it's been a hectic, hectic week for her. (Yes, I can be that selfish.)

Work is work. Most days go pretty well. Yesterday was a total Monday, every one in the office was just a little on edge. There are rumors of changes here and there in the office, but I'm learning to take things in stride. It's hard, but I'm trying to get better about not letting things that haven't happened yet frustrate me. I'm also working hard at not getting mad/frustrated about things I have no control over. Yes, that includes traffic. Ugh. Yesterday on the drive home I discovered the route I take home has a nifty little detour going. No warning, no idea how long that part of the highway will be closed. It's little consolation that I have two alternate routes - both add about five or six miles to an already long drive home.

On top of it all, it's the long, dog days of summer, and I hate hot weather. And with the sun shining all the damn time, it just makes the days seem way too long.

Bleh

Nerdstar made it to Houston today. Tomorrow they'll spend getting everything ready for the funeral on Saturday. Then she'll have a few days to spend with Grandpa before heading back to Japan on Wednesday.

It's frustrating not being there with her. But her family just really wouldn't want me there. And this just isn't one of those situations where you make waves and make points about things. It just seems wrong that she's going through such an important event in her life, and I feel like I'm only peripherally involved.

Not much else going on other than that. I'm ready for her to be home. Mostly because it sucks having to do everything by myself. As I've said before, I could never be a single mother. It almost takes more energy than I have these days to come home from work at feed the pets and walk the dog and cook some dinner. The only good thing is that at least there's no time table to deal with. I do it all whenever I get my butt up to do it.

Well, ok, and I really miss snuggle time!

Update

Well, Nerdstar's Grandma died about 1:30 in the morning. The only consolation was that it was not slow and painful. Nerdstar's been talking with her sister and aunt about everything, trying to cope. She's going to be able to catch a plane out in the next day or two and head to Houston. Her and her chain of command are trying to figure out the best way to take leave, and it may end up just being that they cancel her orders all together and she doesn't have to go back to Japan. We'll know more in the next 24 hours.

She's dreaded this day for a long, long time. It's frustating to be so far apart while she's so sad.

Sad

My poor Nerdstar just called. Her grandma had what they think was a stroke a couple of days ago, and now the prognosis is looking bleak. It's hard for Nerdstar to really know the particulars, getting info third and fourth hand. And of course, it's all complicated for her being all the way in Japan right now. The Army has emergency leave, but it's not clear yet if she will be granted it or for how long. And for all kinds of reasons (having to do with my work and her family), I won't be able to meet up with her down in Houston.

Her sister had just had her last day at her job and was in the process of starting her move down to Houston, so at least she'll be able to be there with/for grandpa if the worst should happen.

So please keep Nerdstar and her family in your thoughts and prayers. She's incredibly sad. Grandma has come through several tough illnesses in the past eight or nine years, but...

Life Is Good

Life is good hanging out with The Kid and the dog. Ramen is so happy to have a backyard to run around in.

The Kid is at Vacation Bible School and I'm at the public library with 44 minutes of internet time. But it's free and easy.

We had a full day yesterday. VBS, lunch, bought a new toy at his favorite store - the Dollar Tree, played on the play area at Chick-Fil-A, went to see Cars (we really enjoyed it!!), played indoors, played outdoors, played indoors, took a bath.

My favorite part of the day was hanging out in the backyard with the two of them.

It's a little weird staying at my parents' house without them there. I've only done that one other time - and that was my senior year in high school. It was also a little weird setting foot in the church I grew up in.

The Kid leaves tonight to spend the week with his mom - he alternates every other week. He doesn't like to go and told me he's ready to tell a judge he doesn't want to go there. Poor kid.

I'm looking forward to doing a little shopping the next couple of days. It's nice to spend time in a place with good food and good shopping and no real plans.

Woohoo!

I am on vacation!!

I've got a Mav's basketball game to watch tonight. (I cussed at the tv a lot the other night after their 1 point loss.) One last time I have to walk the dog before he was 3 weeks of backyard time! I've gotten 2 litter boxes ready, washed the dishes, gotten all of the bills set to be paid, and am almost packed (mostly because I'm just putting the whole laundry basket in the trunk).

Tomorrow morning I just have to finish loading the car, drop off the rent check, mail out a package to Nerdstar, get some breakfast, and hit the road.

I'm excited to see The Kid tomorrow. Thursday we take him to see Cars and get ice cream. I'm almost as excited to get to eat Whataburger, Chick-Fil-A and Braums Ice Cream!

I shoule be back online Saturday, I'm hoping to use some free wifi at Barnes and Noble while staying at the folks.

Death

I don't expect this post to be very coherent.

My best friend from kindergarten to high school graduation was Theresa. We've been in touch a few times over the years since then, but haven't stayed close. Growing up, our parents were good friends, too.

Today, my Mom called to tell me Theresa's mother had died. It makes me so sad.

I hate death. I mean really, really resent and hate it.

I don't know if it's because I'm 38 and feel like I haven't even gotten started with my life, much less want it to be half over. Or because death is, for all we know, so damn permanent. Even if there is something after this life, and it does last for "eternity", then that makes the shortness of life here and now seem even more of a bad deal. (This post isn't about starting a debate about religions or the "afterlife".)

If I'm ever given a choice to "freeze" at whatever age I am for as long as I want - I'd make that choice in a heartbeat!

This and That

Just the usual going on around here.

I seem to be alone, but I really don't want Taylor to win American Idol. He's a Vegas lounge act at best, a clown at worst. I can't wait to see the season finale of Lost tonight. I'll be watching it live and recording Idol. I loved House last night. Wow, I'm so glad that poor patient wasn't real. It was bad enough when his eye popped out, then to blow out his balls - terrible!!

Work has been work. My phone rang at 6:20 yesterday morning, they wanted to know if I could come in early. I was scheduled 9:30 to 6, which will be my Monday thru Friday schedule when I go full time on the 5th. They had three out of five people call in sick yesterday, so I went in an hour early. Not that the people who open ever seem to stay an hour late. Then, when the manager who I'd had a misunderstanding with last week (explained next) asked if I could work today or tomorrow, I said I had things scheduled already. Which was true. I had an apt. to get my car fixed. (explained after next)

See, week before last when I had my interview for the full time job, I understood that any days I wasn't working up North until the 5th, I'd go ahead and work downtown. So, after showing up Monday and Tuesday, the manager got a hold of me Wednesday morning explaing that had been a misunderdstanding. Fine. But then she made some remarks about how I had apparently told everyone I was hired instead of waiting for management to make that announcement. Huh? I'm supposed to keep it a secret? In an office where gossip runs faster Carl Lewis? Right. To top it off, she says she's also "heard" that I plan on moving in August. I said, with all honesty, I have no plans to move in August. I said that Nerdstar comes home in August, maybe that was the mix up. (I have mentioned to people that I'd like to move before the end of the year.) She said she hopes I wouldn't take a job knowing I'd be moving. Hmmm. Let me think about that. Why wouldn't I take a full time job, even if I had definite plans to move by the end of the year?

Anyway. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. I considered not taking the full time job and just doing shifts "as needed" up North. But that doesn't seem smart. Our goal is to get as much money in the savings as possible to give us more choices when Nerdstar gets home.

So, no, I didn't feel too bad about saying I couldn't work today or tomorrow, when I could have if I wanted.

I did get the car fixed though. The "low coolant" light had come on driving downtown last week and I was just happy it didn't overheat driving it home that evening. It was temtping to just let it sit while Nerdstar is gone and drive her car or the new motorcycle. But, I don't really want to put more miles on her newer car because it already has way too many for it's age. I decided to at least see what was wrong with it. Turned out to be the water pump, which I think I payed way too much to GoodYear to fix, but they're pretty much the only place to get work done around here without a lot of hassle.

Let me just say. One of the biggest sucky things about not having friends while Nerdstar's away - no one to help out with things like rides to the mechanic.

That's pretty much life these days. Cleaning house, watching tv, chatting with Nerdstar when I can, taking care of the pets, and working.

And She's Off

Well, I dropped Nerdstar off at the airport this morning. I think she has what all she needs, but I wouldn't be surprised if she forgot something.

I can't say the time we had right before she left was great. She got in Thursday night and we had a decent dinner, got a few things done and crashed. I knew she had some things to get done yesterday, including all of her packing. But in typical Nerdstar fashion, it took four hours to do things on post that I had hoped would only take an hour. Then it took her about eight hours to get organized and packed. The only good thing about that was I got some organizing and cleaning done at the same time. There was going to be some sort of get together with some of her co-workers last night, but only one guy showed. It was cool to talk with him and all, but I think I'd prefer a nice romantic dinner the last night together before 105 days apart. After dinner it was more packing and such.

By the time we finally got to bed about midnight I was a little frustrated. I told her it'd be nice to have the kind of girlfriend who'd have planned ahead and planned something even a little special. In some ways that's unfair of me. We both know she's not the "plan something special" type, that's generally more my role. I think somewhere along the way I got tired of that role.

We didn't exactly fight, but just had one of our hard to have conversations. She explained how she's just having a hard time since we moved here. I don't know. I've dealt with depression and such enough to know that changing location doesn't usually change my brain.

So, it's six weeks until I fly over and visit. I don't think we'll get much time on the phone, but we're hoping to use the Gmail chat a lot. It's 14 hours later there, and that might work out so that when I'm getting home from work, she's at work in the morning and hopefully can be online. We'll have a better idea of things in about 48 hours. She doesn't even know anything about the barracks she'll be staying in - other than it's between the chow hall and the PX - which makes her happy!

Good News

Nerdstar made it home last night and it's actually kinda weird having her here. I've spent most of the week mentally preparing for her to be gone for 104 days and adjusting to life alone for that period. She's got a few errands to run today and a lot of packing to do. Then it's breakfast and a morning flight out tomorrow.

I've been volunteering to help out at work with a bunch of health fairs for the past two or three weeks. I wasn't scheduled at either hospital and I figured it'd get me a few hours and a lot of practice at drawing blood. Well, it also got me a full time position at the hospital downtown! It's kinda crazy how just showing up on time and being reliable and happy to do your job is seen as something special these days.

Tuesday I got a brief email from the downtown lab manager saying to give her a call. I figured she was calling to apologize for having messed up my pay last week. Nope, she was calling to see if I was interested in interviewing for the opening downtown. I had figured that since I'm about to take 3 weeks off at the end of next month, I'd wait until I was back from that to think about a "real" job position. I haven't been unhappy doing "as needed" hours, because it's given me the freedom to take off when I wanted to. But she said she'd be happy to work around the few remaining days I have already scheduled up north and the 3 weeks off. Cool.

The interview was yesterday. It was pretty short and to the point. She'd worked a few of the health fairs I was at and was impressed and wanted me to take the open job downtown. I figure with Nerdstar being gone I might as well work as much as I can so we can bank more $$. And, as I wrote the other day, it'll certainly help the time she's gone go much faster!

Part of me would rather it was a full time job at the north location. I've certainly learned more up there and like the co-workers and it's half the distance. But I just don't see that a job will open up there anytime soon. I feel kinda bad because I think the manager up there will be disappointed to lose me. I'll let her know that if anything full time does open up to keep me in mind, I can always transfer locations.

The only thing that's a little sucky is that a woman who was in my class with me has been busting her butt full time at the downtown location for about six weeks now and yet I got offered a "real" position before she did. We're pretty sure she'll be made "real" soon, but I'd be pissed if I were her. I really like working with her, she's a fellow Texan, so I'll see how she's taking it on Monday.

Upcoming Travels

In a couple of weeks we're headed to see my family for my nephew's birthday. He's going to be 5. Damn how the time flies! Me, Nerdstar and my brother are taking him to Six Flags. Then the next day we'll have a party. He's so funny. He understands that riding rides isn't based on age, but height, so the other day he told my Mom that he'd been stretching all night. He's going to be mad he can't ride the big roller coasters!

Then...

Nerdstar was offered a three and a half month job at a base in Japan. Actually, they'd love for her to stay much longer, but that's about as long as we want to be apart for now. She'll make at least twice what she normally does for those three months! Plus, it's a job doing more of what she wants to be doing translation wise. (Hopefully she'll write about all this and explain it better!)

A few months ago I got my first passport. So I'll be using in in June to go over and visit her in Japan. How cool is that? I'll probably be there just over a week and we'll do a long weekend in Tokyo. (The base she'll be staying at isn't very far, but it takes about three hours by train to get to Tokyo.) It is a little daunting to do my first 13 hour flight all by myself. Plus having to get through their version of customs, etc.

It's not my first trip out of the States. I met a great lady from Mexico City at Baylor and went down to visit her a couple of times. We even took the bus from Mexico City to Acapulco. I do know, though, how hard it was for me to be somewhere I didn't speak the language and how isolating it was.

But it's all very exciting!!

Greek and African Weekend

I should have gone to work at the hospital downtown this morning. Unfortunately, there was a little sleet last night and it was just starting to snow when I looked out the window this morning. There are a couple of big bridges between me and that hospital, and God knows no one can drive in rain, much less any other bad weather, so I decided not to risk it. Of course, other than ten minutes of sleet, we haven't had any bad weather at all so far today. They keep saying 5 to 8 inches of snow. Yeah right. The only way we'd get 5 or more inches of snow was if they weren't predicting any.

Nerdstar and I spent Saturday heading downtown to get some Greek food. It was a nice little place and we were the only ones there for lunch until one other couple came in.

Then we headed to a party to celebrate the birth of twins to one of her co-workers. He and his wife are tall and handsome and beautiful and from Africa. The twins aren't identical and are adorable little girls.

It was really neat, they had a lot of aunts and cousins and her mother was in town. They brought lots and lots of good African food. They also had this little ceremony where all the women take the babies out of the room and then do a procession bringing them in and sort of presenting them to all the menfolk and dance. All of the women were wearing traditional African garb and were so beautiful.

Yesterday we were complete lazy butts and didn't do anything. That's why I'm so bored today and wishing I'd gone in to work. If the snow really does hit tonight I won't be able to work tomorrow. Thankfully, regardless of weather, I'll be able to start training at the uptown hospital Wednesday.

Survived

I think I've survived a tripple threat weekend. I was sick, my period started, and Nerdstar was out of town. Bleh. I don't think I could ever adequetly write about how much my brain torments me in times like this.

To distract myself, I've watched a lot of basketball (Baylor women and UT men both lost, which made me sad! Hopefully it'll motivate both teams for the NCAA!) And I played free online poker (my free chip count went from just over 2000 to just over 7000).

There were a lot of bad storms around KC today. Fortunately for us they were south of our little apartment.

Tomorrow and Tuesday I have orientation at the hospital. It'll be boring, but it'll get me out of the house. One of the girls from my vampire class will be there, too.

Nerdstar comes home Tuesday night. I'm ready for snuggles!

You Just Never Know

I remember at one of my early job interviews here in KC the woman asked me my five/ten year plan. I would have laughed, but I'd been told by the first interviewer the question was coming. I had to explain that I don't really believe in plans, because if you'd asked me ten years ago, five years ago, or even two years ago where I'd be and what I'd be doing today - well, I wouldn't have had one thing right.

Are your lives any more predictable than mine??

Nerdstar and I have been in the KC area almost a year now. We couldn't have predicted how hard this year has been. We couldn't have guessed that there'd be such a dearth of restaurants and things to do here. We couldn't have guessed that a job with the US military could be so stressful and unstable (outside of a war zone). Things like that.

Needless to say, we're pretty ready to move on to another part of the country. People are sometimes surprised to hear that we don't plan on just heading back to Austin. I try to explain that we've driven through, or traveled to, enough of this big, beautiful country to know there are a lot of cool places to live.

One of the biggest reasons I did the phlebotomy program is so that I'll be able to find a decent job anywhere we end up. So it's really been Nerdstar trying to find a job paying at least as much, if not more, that's not here. For now it's just a really cool idea with a slight probability of coming true - we might actually get to move a little to the west!

Poor Nerdstar has had some terrible problems with the military for the past month or so regarding paperwork. We're hoping it's pretty much resolved because she's putting in her packet to become an officer. I think that's really cool. That process will take a couple more months. In the meantime she's going to try to work out a deal with a new unit out west.

I hate even mentioning it. I'm such a believer in jinxing things. But keep your fingers crossed for us!

Bleh

I'm about to go absolutely nuts! I haven't heard a single word on getting an actual job at the hospital I did the vampire program at. I've sent out a couple of emails and haven't gotten any replies. I've looked online at other hospitals and such in the area, and haven't seen anything out there. UGH!

I'm trying to keep my insanity to a minimum, but it gets harder every day. Two weeks ago I was so optimistic about work and life and such, and it's all drained out of me.

Anyway, that's why the posts are all about tv and the internet - that's what my life consists of these days.

Oh, and Nerdstar did really well on all of her interview stuff in SF, but it was a no-go for her as well. We don't think the pay would have been sufficient to live there anyway.

This and That

We had a decent weekend. We went and got haircuts Saturday at a nice little salon downtown in the Hallmark Crown Plaza. The plaza itself isn't anything to write home about, but watching the tourists was kinda fun. Not as fun as the zoo, but along the same lines.

Yesterday Nerdstar flew to S.F. for her interview to be a postal inspector. I'm so glad she's getting another chance at this, even if it doesn't work out in the end.

I had thought about going to S.F. with her for a Valentine's weekend, but decided against spending the money. If it was a city I hadn't been to before, I might have been more tempted. She's also going to be very busy. It's not really an interview per se, it's five or so different types of tests and role playing and such. It lasts all day and if she passes it, she has to do a polygraph tomorrow.

The hotel she's in sounds nice, and she only had to walk a mile or so to get some dinner in Chinatown.

Me, well, I'm back to being bored out of my skull and a little on the down side.

On the bright side, I just received some very beautiful roses from my Nerdstar for Valentine's. Awwww!

Rainy Saturday

After a week of gorgeous weather, it's a very rainy Saturday. My Nerdstar has to go to drill this weekend, so I'm home alone all day. It's weird, just three weeks of going to this class makes it feel strange today to be home with nothing in particular to do.

Just one more week of this vampire class. I'm pretty ready for it to be over. I'm enjoying it, and think it's a really good class, I'd just rather it was paid on the job training.

Now I'm getting anxious about getting hired somewhere. There are rumors that they might hire the three of us looking for a job part time at first to do things like health fairs and filling in for people's days off. I'm not opposed to that. There are two other hospitals affiliated with the one downtown that are closer to home that my instructor is going to check for me and see if they need anyone. That would be even better.

There's also a lot going on with Nerdstar's job stuff. It would take a flow chart to sort it all out. On top of the re-enlist/don't re-enlist stuff, and the this unit or that unit stuff... Yesterday she got a call to go to an interview for a Postal Inspector job she'd really like to get. She first applied for a job like that about four or so years ago. Getting sent to Iraq put an end to that. But she recently found out that she could get a waiver and not have to start the entire process all over. (The process can take a year or two, with lots of tests and such.) She really wasn't expecting to hear back from them any time soon, so it's cool. All she knows right now is they want her somewhere on Feb. 13th and 14th - Monday she'll find out what city the interview is in. (It won't be anywhere near here.)

What's cool is I'm not at all stressed about any of it. For some reason I really believe this is going to be a good year for Nerdstar and I, especially when it comes to finally ending up in jobs we like. Part of my reasons for doing this phlebotomy class is that there are healthcare jobs everywhere!

This and That

I'm not used to this level of cold. No, we're not covered in snow or anything, but the high tomorrow will be 17. I don't think the high in Austin has ever been 17. And if it did get cold, well, you waited a few days and it got warm again. I've always thought I'd prefer cold to hot. That's mostly true. I like not being hot AND sticky. But I'm thinking my ideal weather would be 40% humidity and a temp range of 45 to 75, with a month or so where it's cold and snowy - because if it's going to be cold enough to snow, there should be snow. Any idea where that would be the case?

Not much going on these days. We went to see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang yesterday. It was entertaining. If you're looking to kill a couple of hours I'd recommend it.

Mostly we're counting down days to good food. Nerdstar flies to Houston the 21st and I head to Dallas probably the 23rd. In Houston she'll get her fill of Chinese food - the real stuff. In Dallas I'll finally get my fill of Whataburger!

Then we're going to spend four days in Austin eating until we can't eat anymore I'm sure. I'm sure lunch every day will be at our fav. Tawainese cafe, dinner will be Hoovers, Papadeuxs, Magnolia.

We both agreed we're not much into Christmas this year. Our present to each other is the trip to Austin where we'll get great haircuts and do some shopping. We can't find our massage therapist - which is making us sad.

Zach will be with his mom the week of Christmas, so we'll catch him on the way back from Austin for New Year's.

Lousy Shoppers

Being poor, and having always lived in an apartment, I have decent furniture, but not great.

In the living room... The sofa is wonderfully comfy, and we recently got a slip cover for it, but the slip cover refuses to stay in place and that annoys me to no end. I have a nice, big, solid oak desk that I love. I have a bookshelf that my Dad made for me when I was a kid that I love. I have two other bookshelves I made myself, and an entertainment center I made myself. The worst thing is a toy box my Dad also built for me when I was a little kid. A few years ago I got ahead of our lives and painted it in primary colors, red, blue, green and yellow for the room for the kid we were hoping to have. It currently serves as our coffee table and frankly, is an eyesore.

In the bedroom we have a great bed, but it has no headboard. We have a table my Dad made for me (see the pattern) for one nightstand, and I'm currently using a box on my side of the bed. We have two nice, big chest of drawers that are oak.

We have a dining table that is functional, but not great.

We do have two really cool original art pieces and some other smaller ones. One I would love to use as the color scheme for the living room in the house I hope we buy one day. So in the meantime I painted the entertainment center and two bookshelves colors that match the painting.

So I've been thinking it's time to at least buy some nightstands and a coffee table. There's a huge home furnishing store close to here so that's where we headed last night.

We had no luck finding anything we liked. It felt like we'd have to start over and buy everything for a given room instead of being able to find pieces to go with what we have. That's not something we feel like doing at this point in time.

What I find frustrating with most things I have in mind to go purchase is that they don't make what it is I have in my head. My taste is apparently a lot more simple that most. (That's why I built the bookshelves and such - I want form to follow function. If I had a house with a garage or basement, I'd get the right tools and learn how to make the basic furniture I'd like to see in my house.)

One thing we are going to buy is a Love Sac. They have a store near my parents' house we'll go to during Christmas.

Thanksgiving.

The parents and Zach are on their way, should be here around noon. Nerdstar has a meeting at work at 3 about future funding and orders and such. As soon as she's home we're going to one of the many local casino buffets to eat.

This morning I'm finishing up cleaning the house, although I'm sure it's not clean by Martha standards. And I'm starting some of the Thanksgiving cooking, because we're eating Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow night with the family, and then get to be even more grown up and are going over to some friends for Thanksgiving dinner 2 Thanksgiving night.

I'm not sure what makes me feel more grown up, having my folks at my place to eat, or going over to some friends' place.

The other day I spent a lot of time pondering being more thankful. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to do. Life's not perfect, but it could certainly be, and has been, a whole lot worse.

If I don't get the chance before Thurs