Beth's Contradictory Brain

Still An Army Wife

It's been a while since I've gotten to write about how much it sucks being an army wife. But once again, Nerdstar is on the other side of the country for five days doing army b.s. And I've been pissed off about it for days. She's supposed to be a reservist - a weekend warrior. That should mean one weekend a month and two weeks a year. But for too many reasons to go into right now, she's doing army shit every evening and this is the second long trip in three or four months - and she'll be gone across the country for a long weekend again in two weeks.

There are two things about it that seem to piss me off the most. One is that I have no say in any of it - in spite of how much it affects me. Two is that I hate feeling like I take second place (or lower) in her life. It used to be that her family came first. That's changed some since Grandma died. Since she's been with this new unit - it's taken up way too much of her time.

And I'm sure in there somewhere are all the absolute shit emotions from all the time she was gone for Iraq - anytime she's gone for the army it seems to be worse than say if she's visiting family.

So if anyone wants to come to DC and go out - drop me a line.

Shout Out

Nerdstar took her oath today to become a commissioned officer in the Army Reserves. Congratulations!!

It was a short, simple ceremony up at her office. There are lots of current and former military members where she works, so they helped her get this done.

It doesn't mean any immediate change for her, she still hasn't found a local unit to belong to, and after she finds that, she has to find an open slot to go to officer school in Arizona for a couple of months. She's got up to 3 years to get that done (I think).

It's still weird being a military wife!! I got to be there, but kinda had to keep it low key.

Very Bad DejaVu

Just like on her flight over to Japan, Nerdstar's been stuck in Chicago.

Her 3 pm flight was cancelled - who knows why - fuckin United. So now it's after 9 pm and she thinks she'll be on a 10 pm flight home. Bleh.

So you know what that means, right? She didn't get to go to the buffet tonight like she wanted, and I had to walk the dog again.

Update: 11:18 pm - now that Nerdstar should actually be in the air in route - there are massive thunder storms all around KC. Great. They've got 45 minutes to blow on through so they can land. Doubtful...

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm not sure this post will be more coherent than rambling...

HBO has the Band of Brothers mini series on their On Demand. I've never seen it and thought it would make good viewing on this Memorial Day Weekend.

This is what I wrote two years ago when Nerdstar was in Iraq. It's almost exactly what I was thinking again today.

I don't believe Nerdstar takes any pride in her military service. She thinks it's just a job she's doing because it pays better than any other job she can find for now.

I just want to say that I'm proud of her. I'm proud of her service to our country, especially since she's not even native born American! This post from two years ago is about a close call she had with a mortar, and the soldiers who were injured or died.

So my heart and prayers go out, again, still, to all the soldiers "in the field" this weekend. And maybe even more, they go out to all the families left behind.

And here's hoping that one day gay soldiers and their families will be an openly welcome part of it all.

Deja Vu

Shortly after Nerdstar had left for Iraq, I was going though the kitchen trying to find something to eat, and saw all the things that were hers in the pantry. Things like canned eel, pickled duck eggs, ten different kinds of hot teas, five or six kinds of ramen, etc. So instead of just throwing them all away or letting them go bad before she came home, I boxed it all up and mailed it to her!

I just did the same thing - except this time it's going to Japan. The base there seems to be pretty basic. And although her barracks are between the chow hall and the PX, apparently the poor girl just can't find anything good to eat. To her - that's the definition of hell. Heh.

She got a cell phone to use over there, and since I downloaded Skype, I can call her and it't not to terribly expensive. Although, the call to her cell phone seemed to be a lot more expensive than the one to her office phone. Not sure why.

Three and a half months doesn't sound like a long time. But I think it's going to feel like a long time.

Life as a military wife continues

Just the existance of this article in the Army Times is heartening. Gays in the military: It’s a question of liberty

As I stated a few times while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I really never thought I'd end up being a military wife. We talked sometimes about her being gay and in the Army, but it just wasn't an issue. We both planned on her being out of the military altogether this coming May. Then this opportunity to do linguist work came thru and is just too good to pass up.

We've talked about how our relationship and her new career choice might intersect. Hell, we try to just imagine life in Kansas as a couple. Maybe we'll both have to be a little less "out." It's hard for me to really know or imagine how life will be up there. Maybe we're both being naive and optimistic, but we don't see any major changes to the way we live our lives. She's not one to really share a lot of life's details with co-workers anyway. Me, well, to know me at all is to know my life story. Neither of us are the type to put up rainbow stickers and be advocates. But we also haven't ever been in a situation where anyone cared that we were a couple.

I'm not being very coherent in this post. It's something I think we're just planning on seeing how it goes. I know a lot of the time that everyone plays don't ask/don't tell, not just the military.

Anyway. One more week of this suck-ass life of being apart.

Bleh

It's 12:20 a.m. The alarm is going to go off at 6:50 a.m. In spite of a little rum and coke a couple of hours ago, I was completely unable to fall asleep. I think I'm going to have a meltdown in this countdown to Nerdstar coming home. I need to be distracted, but nothing is distracting. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. So many fears, hopes, anxieties, worries, plans, regrets.

I know this will end eventually. There's just no comfort in that yet.

Bleh

Today is one of those sad, frustrating days. While the beginning of August brought a new sense of anticipation, that if Nerdstar isn't home next month, then surely it'll be the month after that. And it seemed close. But today it's sinking in that the soonest she could be home just isn't soon enough. And the anger that's just under the surface rises about how long she's already been gone and how much it just seems wasted time. And all the fears and all the worries about the future push out all the hope.

For whatever reason, Nerdstar wasn't able to be online for our afternoon chat today. Tomorrow I start a new temp job, so we won't be able to chat until Saturday. And when days feel like weeks, that's a long ways off. Hopefully they'll get the phone lines on her base working again and she can at least call this week.

Can I just sleep until she's home? Because, really, that would be better.

Absence

The Questing Cat writes a powerful post on his personal thoughts and fears about being separated from his fiancee for so long.

My friend in Germany lives on base over there and some of the soldiers are starting to return home. So the stories of spending sprees, spousal abuse and too high divorce rates start.

Nerdstar and I were talking the other day and agreed war zones really should be reserved for single male soldiers. The toll of year deployments in war zones on relationships and families is just too high. Now, true, maybe the relationships that fail during deployment would have failed anyway, it's hard to say. Almost all of the few women Nerdstar knows over there are getting divorced when they get home.

This year has been hard for Nerdstar and I, but we've pressed thru and look to have an even stronger relationship when she comes home. I think the one thing that really helped us was the four years we were together before she was called up. But I know we both have our worries, just like Questing Cat does. Our saving grace has been our luck in being able to chat and email so very often, and even then communication is hard.

Long, hot, slow days

Sigh. Just another slow, boring week around here. I think that's a good thing. Nerdstar and I have gotten to IM quite a bit this week, and she even got to call yesterday morning. We're both just trying to get thru these long, hot days of summer.

It's still not clear on whether the Army is sending their replacements in October or November. This frustrates me to no end. They should start sending them in late September and get the soldiers she's over there with home earlier rather than later. If the rotation goes slowly enough, I guess there's a chance she'd be home early December instead of November. I can't even think about that here in July. It's just too damn far off.

The good thing is that their base hasn't had any mortar attacks since just before the handover. But are you hearing this is the news, no. They had been mortared two or three times a day almost every day until then. So that's a big, positive change.

Jinxes and Worries

Tim writes about something I totally get. I, too, fear the jinx, fear life getting all ironic and cruel on me. Especially, again, watching season 6 of Buffy where it's just one damn tragedy after another. There are just too many instances of plots where just when everything seems to be ok again, the danger has passed, WHAM - the worst possible thing happens. But it's not just jinxing things with good thoughts, I worry about making bad things happen by just thinking about them, too.

Sarah also writes about how hard it is to be the one back home with more than one soldier to write about. I don't write about the other soldiers I worry about, but there are a couple, and I know they're in more dangerous places than my Nerdstar is.

I also want to say how much I appreciate all of you readers who have supported Nerdstar and I thru this year so far. It really does help!

Direct Correlation

There's a very, very direct correlation to my mood and how much I've been about to communicate with Nerdstar. On those rare occasions she gets to call, those are my best days. In times where we get to IM for at least thirty minutes just about every day, I do really well. When we're down to an email every 24 hours I kinda hang in there, but get grumpy. On those other rare occasions where I don't hear from her at all for 48 hours (or even more rarely longer) I get all kinds of freaked out.

I know she and I have been extremely lucky in how much we've been able to communicate while she's been in Iraq. On the message boards on StykerNews I read that some families don't hear from their loved ones for weeks at a time. (Yes, it brings tears to my eyes when I read it.) But, when you've been spoiled it's hard to adjust to anything else.

Long summer days do nothing to make the time feel like it's going any faster. We're not close enough to winding this up to feel hopeful. This is the slogging it out part. It won't start to feel closer to over until about the end of August. I mean, how long ago does last Thanksgiving seem? And how far away does the coming Thanksgiving seem? Exactly.

And I find that the closer it gets to time for them to start coming home the more worried I get. Unfortunately, I think that's going to continue. It's the whole, it would suck so much to make it this long and have something happen to her now, thing. I'm sure most families of soldiers go thru it.

I'm sure she's feeling the same things, too.

Wet Blanket

I've told myself many times today I should be feeling relief and not this total sadness that has set in. I cried a lot this afternoon, and even now am more on the verge of tears than usual. Nerdstar's close call has put a wet blanket on everything.

I did get out of the house this evening and went to see Shrek 2 with some new friends (a couple of the poker players from the other night) and then we went out for margaritas. It was nice to almost be distracted. But really, all I can think is that it could have so easily have been a phone call from the army instead of that email this morning.

It's partly the time delay that makes it hard. See, it's not like if she's killed or injured I'll be notified immediately. It could take a while. It's that while that worries me. I could be at the movies, like tonight, trying not to worry, trying to have a good time, and then I could find out tomorrow that while I was trying to have a good time, she was killed. I don't know if I'm explaining that well. But it translates into nothing ever being really fun and "carefree."

I guess that's the crux of having a soldier off at war.

I'm certain parents know the feeling, especially once the kids get their driver's license. Waiting up, lying in bed waiting to hear the car pull in the driveway, your kid come thru the front door safe and sound. Except the feeling is 24/7 for at least a year.

Nice

I'll just assume I'm included in this - HA!

Numbers

The nice little counter over there reads 349 days. 157 of those she's been in Iraq. 45 days ago we said goodbye, again, at an airport and I walked away crying and breathless.

I don't even know how to describe or explain the constant sadness, missing, worry, frustration and general blahness that has made up 99% of every single one of those 349 days.

We think, if we're lucky, we've got around 200 more days to go. 550 days without my Nerdstar. Even just counting to 550 takes longer than I'd like to be apart from her. 550 hours is longer than some couples spend apart during their entire relationship.

Double Damn

I'm so frustrated with our government I could spit nails. There's Michael Powell and the FCC instituting a nanny state in all areas of broadcasting. (Read the past few months of Jeff Jarvis if you're unaware of this.) Then there's Ashcroft thinking it's a good time to spend effort and energy and money on clamping down on porn. (Maybe if he got those clamps off his balls he'd lighten up some.) Throw in all this political bullshit 9.11 grandstanding just for good measure.

But what has me totally pissed is that the DoD can't seem to get it's shit together regarding how many troops need to be where when. My friend who's husband has already been in Iraq for a year in Baghdad just got word that instead of coming home in the next few weeks they'll be extending their time in Iraq for 120 days. Not only that, but they'll also be moving out from their camp to where there's no electricty and no communication home.

Tim got the same word about his wife Patti.

Not only that, but troops who had just come home two weeks ago thinking they were done with Iraq are being sent back in a week. That's highly unusual. Normally troops get at least six months before being redeployed to a hot zone. (Notice the word normally, this is what I've been told, which means it's probably not always true.)

I wrote a long time ago that if you're one big responsibility is logistics, why the hell can't the DoD do a better job of it. And if it's because they didn't see this little uprising happening then they should get their head out of their ass.

No, this doesn't affect Nerdstar at this point in time. November is too far away to have any idea what will be going on by then. As I've also written, this summer will be the real test of things. But it still has me totally pissed.

MORE:
I am in absolutely no way disparaging the troops over there or the hard work they are doing and the risk they are taking. I'm pissed at the bigger picture. I'd feel a lot better if our commander in chief were publicly speaking about the current situation and what is being done and is going to be done, or hell, if even Rumsfeld were giving us better information. I'd feel a lot better if there were any indication there will be any semblance of an Iraqi government to hand things over to. I'd feel a lot better if there were more Iraqis fighting alongside our troops.

STILL THINKING:
I'm sure it's a very basic fear that fuels a lot of this anger. I can't tell you how deep the fear of something happening to Nerdstar runs in me. It's making me an odd sort of superstituous. I keep thinking that if we're having any sort of good fortune now, as in being able to communicate regularly, then we'll pay a high price for it later.

But my fear isn't just for my Nerdstar, it's for any soldier I know over there or who's blog I read, or loved ones I know. I can't imagine anything worse than if one of the soldiers who's time is extended is killed over there when their loved ones feel they should have been home already instead.

Another post by Tim where he writes on why the word "soon" has no meaning when "never" is a possibility. I know exactly what he means!

Good and Bad

Days like today are really, really hard on this military wife. It started off nice enough, I got to IM with Nerdstar again last night for over an hour. That means I got to sleep around 3 a.m. only to be woken up at 6:30 a.m. by more lightening that I've seen associated with a single storm in my entire life. Poor pets were all freaked out. Got back to sleep about 8 a.m. and woke up to the phone ringing around noon.

It was my Nerdstar! She borrowed a phone from some contractor so she had to call about three times before we got a decent line. It was about 9 p.m. in Mosul and she was worried about her roommate. Nerdstar had heard the convoy she was on had come under fire and they weren't back yet. It was kinda funny, you know in that ironic sort of way, Nerdstar said it was hard to wait because it wasn't like she could just pick up a phone and call her roommate and see how things were going. I just laughed. She got it.

Now it's almost 7:30 p.m. here in Austin and all over the news is all the fighting going on over in Iraq. I asked Nerdstar last night if things in Mosul were pretty quiet, she said "yes, mostly." I'm hoping that remains true.

It's five hours until our normal IM rendevous time and it's just hard not to be a nervous wreck, to not imagine the worst. I worry that even writing this will jinx things. I know how very lucky she and I have been to be able to communicate as much as we have. She was joking about how she's going to be a hippy when she's done with the military.

My heart goes out so much to the families of all the soldiers killed and injured this week. My friend's husband is supposed to be coming home in May and now the defense department is talking about how that could be delayed. I'd be pulling my hair out.

It's so very tempting from where I sit to say, ok, fuck it, let the Iraqis take care of themselves. Hell, we'll leave our tanks and weapons and ammo for them, but we're out of there.

Like I wrote in the movie post, all I can say is "Earn this."

update: local news reports there were 30,000 lightening stricks this morning.

Back to Lonely

Damn this sucks. I'm home from taking Nerdstar to the airport and running a couple of errands. I've never been so sad walking out of an airport. Now it's back to an empty house and an empty bed.

The two weeks were really great, fortunately time didn't feel like it was flying by. I'm pretty sure she set a record for money spent on two weeks leave!! One of our last stops this morning was mailing out a 23 pound care package of all the things she couldn't stuff or cram into her duffle bag or backpack.

I started getting sad Friday when we got back to Austin, knowing the time was limited and the upcoming time apart is going to be so long. She's so sweet though. Last night at dinner there was a pause in the conversation and I looked at her and thought if anything happens to her over there, this is one of the last memories I'll have with her, and I started to tear up. So she started acting all goofy and making me laugh. She did the same thing as we were saying our goodbyes at the airport.

Today is more putzing around the house, cutting the grass in our tiny backyard, catching up on tv shows I've recorded over the weekend, taking out tons of trash. Thursday starts the SXSW madness. And the weather is just about perfect for a motorcycle ride or two in the next few days. Back to filling up time.

Like I've said before, two things would make this all so much more bearable. A absolute guarantee she'll come home safe and sound, and an absolute return by no later than date. But neither life nor the military work like that.

Reunited and it feels so good

I'd have to say this has been one of the best weeks ever. I think it's perfectly normal when a loved one is gone for so long, like happens with the military, this little worry creeps in that it's going to be hard to readjust to them being home, both for them and for you. Fortunately, we had no such problems. It was just like Nerdstar hadn't been gone at all.

Normally in a year long deployment, the two week leave happens closer to the six month point. For the brigade she's with, that just wasn't possible. So, once she gets back to Iraq she's still got about eight months left over there. But I think it's been good for her to be home at this time. We both have a much better feel for what the other is going thru while she's gone. And being apart and going thru this homecoming and having it go so well helps be more confident for the future.

We're up at my parents' house for a couple of days. Zachary is so happy to see her!

We're still not sure how next week will go. Her family is just being so amazingly difficult. And there's no easy answer. No matter what she does they won't be totally happy with her. It's tempting to say screw it and just go to Vegas, but that's just not really an option.

Bleh

This is when being a military wife sucks. I haven't heard from Nerdstar since that email I posted parts of yesterday, about 36 hours or so ago. I'm not even sure where she is. I don't know if she was going straight from Mosul to Kuwait or going thru Baghdad. She said she'd call once she got to Kuwait. But I've also read the line to use the phones in Kuwait can take up to four hours.

Traveling is one of the most dangerous things soldiers can do over there. And while I'm not terribly worried, it's not all sunshine and light in my head. I won't really stop worrying until she's in my line of sight. And right now I don't know when that will be.

It's odd, the closer she's getting to home, the more worried I get.

Not the same

I'm pretty much tuned out to the whole Valentine's Day stuff. I sent Nerdstar's gift box about three weeks ago and she got it a week early. Which is better than a week late! V Day is the first of four big days in Feb. March and April. Both of our birthdays are in March and then our anniversary is in April. Those are the three days I'll miss her the most! Because our birthdays are two days apart we try to do something really fun. Vegas for your birthday ain't bad! And this is our five year anniversary so it would have been nice to be together.

All I can say is that next year - watch out!

279

My Nerdstar has been gone from home 279 days, 87 of those she's been in Iraq.

I guess I try not to pay too much attention to every single day. Especially being unemployed and having to find ways to fill up all the time, it's all really bluring together. My wacked out sleeping schedule just makes it all worse. I swear 2:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. have become interchangeable in terms of what I'm doing at either one. Each can find me watching tv, surfing the internet or sleeping, it's all the same. I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just saying that's how it is for the time being.

I was going to go up to Dallas and spend a few days with my family, hang out with little Zachary this week, but my brother called and since the following Monday is our Mom's birthday, it's better if I wait a week. Now I'm at the start of another six days and nights to fill up.

A bright spot on the horizon is that Nerdstar's two weeks of leave during this year deployment are probably going to happen pretty soon. She has a very tentative travel date of Feb. 20th. Two weeks from now. It's a bit early in the year deployment, but I don't care. Of course, nothing is absolute with the military until she's actually on the plane!

The other night while lying in bed and missing my girl I decided that telepathy would be a great thing. Ok, not uncontrolled mass telepathy, but the kind where I could send her little thoughts on how much I miss her and she could do the same would be very nice.

We actually got to IM for over an hour today while she was working the graveyard shift. That always helps!! I haven't posted any updates from her lately because fortunately, things for her are really quiet and boring over there. They can stay that way as far as I'm concerned.

Once again I'd like to say thanks to everyone who sends us will wishes and prays for her safe return and all. It means a lot to both of us!!

Nerdstar and pets

I got to hear my Nerdstar's voice today. You can't imagine how nice that is! They're starting to work out the schedule for their two weeks leave. I might get to see her in the next four to six weeks :-) It's a little early in the deployment, but I don't care. I'll take her any time I can get her!

She's so cute. Her one request today is that I send a big box of dog treats! There are some stray dogs around their camp and she wants to take care of them even a little bit! If it wouldn't cost a small fortune I'd send a big bag of dog food.

I told her that in order to sleep without being jumped on, I've had to close the bedroom door and keep Little Man out. So what does Little Man do? He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. I keep finding him like that when I have to go pee in the early morning. He used to do this in our old apartment, but hasn't in a long time. But the past three nights I've closed him out he's done it. Freak!

Bleh

I miss my girl. A lot.

Long Road

A whole new year stretches out like an endless Texas highway. Nerdstar's return home looming somewhere on the distant horizon. Other than that I have no idea what the road ahead holds.

I think it would help tremendously if I knew an exact date she’d be home. I could mark off the days on a calendar with authority. I hate uncertainty, indefinite waiting. But that’s just not possible. There are too many unknows when it comes to army life and what the hell they will decide. They could extend her current orders for a full year in Iraq putting her stateside mid November, send her home in May when her current orders end, or anything in between. You factor in things like the upcoming election politics, if Iraq can govern itself any time soon, whether or not there are more major terrorist attacks, you know, minor stuff like that, and it makes it all that much more unpredictable.

Yet, I have to agree with Dawn, it does seem to help just a little that we're at least in the year she'll be home. That slight curve in the road has been rounded.

Gay Soldiers

MTV aired a 30 minute special tonight on Danny and Paul, the gay guy on Real World New Orleans and his Army boyfriend.

I've never thought much about don't ask/don't tell. I've always been aware there are lots of gays and lesbians in the military, so what? One of my closest friends from high school was a gay guy who spent four years in the Navy. He wasn't exactly "not telling" when he slept with married guys of higher rank.

But I also never expected to be a military wife in the ways that I currently am. Nerdstar was in the reserves when we met, quit for a while, then got orders to start up again (bizarre story for another time) and decided to pursue being a Chinese linguist. None of that was really being a soldier. I knew her background was in Army supply, and knew that they'd call her up to do supply again eventually if she didn't get out. Obviously we all know which way that worked out. Now she's in the hottest war zone this country has.

I'm not sure straight people understand how amazingly difficult not being out can be, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship. Imagine hanging out with coworkers and not being able to talk about your spouse to the extent that you can't even say what you did last weekend, because that would include the movie you went to see together, or the romantic dinner you had. Imagine the endless talk of other "single" people about the opposite sex, and you're apparent disinterest. Subtle, but telling. Imagine having to erase all evidence of your relationship just to protect your job, your personal safety. If I had a magic wand I'd make the situation reversed for just one day.

So, yes, Nerdstar is out to those who are smart enough to pay attention. One of those people tried to make an issue of it, and her higher ups didn't really give a shit. Having a warm body to send to Iraq was more important than Nerdstar's sexual orientation.

I don't worry about outting her thru this site. She's not worried about it either. Her eight year military obligation ends in March, she's not going to do something stupid like hit on someone, so there's not much they can do to make her life worse than it is. It's more important to me to use this site to give anyone reading a small hint of what our lives our like. That we're just like everyone else, except for stupid political policies that make us inherently different.

With all this time on my hands, I've wished I were a better writer. Then I could be selling our story to all the gay magazines, the cute little lesbian soldier and her girl back home. When she came home we could be the movie of the week ha ha ha ha!

Informed or Not?

John Donovan left a comment the other day asking if I'm one of those military spouses who likes to stay informed, or would prefer to not follow all the details. For me, it really helps to be informed. Mostly, it helps me feel closer to her, the same reason I send her daily emails about the mundane details of my day.

It also helps take the naked fear out of it. From what I've read so far the Stryker Brigade and the 4th ID are well trained and doing good work. One of her biggest fears was that her immediate commanders were useless and wouldn't keep her safe. I'm a little more optimistic now that she's working with the larger units. Of course, I'd rather she stayed behind and did very safe supply stuff and never once had to ride in the stryker vehices. But I'm also increasingly proud of her for what she's going thru!

So, here are two more news stories about the soldier's Nerdstar's working with.

This sucks

It's already starting. Nerdstar's finally moving into Iraq, as posted about previously. I'm sitting here this evening catching up on some blog reading and I've got cable news on in the background. I hear some short blurb about two soldiers in the Stryker Brigade being killed on a bridge during a convoy. UGH. I don't know any of the details. I haven't found the story online yet. I'm not panicked or anything, but I wonder how long it takes from the time of the death until the Red Cross shows up at the door. You know, thoughts like that.

This latest update by the embeded reporter of mishaps does nothing to make me feel better either. Neither does playing the numbers game - there are X number of soldiers in Iraq total, Y of them in the same brigade as Nerdstar and Z% of them will be killed and U% of them hurt. I think there are about 4000 in her brigade - so every time I hear someone is killed or hurt without knowing who it is - there's a 1/4000 chance it's her.

No, I'm not driving myself crazy with worry 24/7. I'm not obsessively watching or listening to the news or anything. But this is really, really hard.

Speaking Of...

Speaking of Nerdstar. I finally got a phone call from her today. The last one was 9 days ago. It helps so much to hear her voice, to hear about what her days and nights are like, to hear what's on her mind. She's sounding a little better, more resigned to the situation, a little less angry.

What a year this is going to be for both of us individually. I mean, I can only imagine to a small degree what she's going thru. Even if it turns out to be a totally harmless, safe, boring even, year for her, it's still life changing. And my goal is certainly to change my life. And to do all this with limited communcation makes it harder.

I guess this is the nitty gritty of commitment. This is where those invisible bonds hold everything together.

Communication

I got another 6:15 a.m. call from Nerdstar. I'll take them whenever I can get them! They're at camp Udairi for about three weeks, then I think they start their convoy into Iraq. That's when I'll really have a hard time not worrying myself silly.

I keep thinking about all the movies I've watched about WWII and how long those soldiers were gone, and how long they had to wait for letters to get back and forth, and the real sacrifices the people back home had to make. I know how lucky I am to be going thru this with the help of email and satellite phones and the internet, and biased as they may be, even the news coverage.

It helps tremendously to read the blogs of soldiers who've been to Iraq and back or who are still there. I think it's helped Nerdstar too, to know what to expect. It really is amazing to me, the power of this new form of communication. I think if she'd been in that first wave of soldiers sent over this would be much, much harder. Even her being at Ft. Lewis for so long helped soften the blow of her being in an actual war zone. I'm not having to adjust to her being gone AND worrying about her safety. I miss her terribly and am ready for her to be home, but I'm pretty adjusted to being alone for now.

And thanks again to all of you who have left comments!!

Same but different

I'm pretty exhausted. Nerdstar called about midnight last night and we got to talk for quite a while, then she called again about 6:30 this morning before they were to get ready to get on the plane. I'm sure once I get home today and try to relax I'll be pretty sad. A year seems like a damn long time from this side of it. What's hard is not knowing when I'll hear from her again.

It's also weird suddenly feeling like I belong to a special group of people, military spouses, and yet not really feel a part of it. I don't want to feel different. I don't see my life as any different than anyone elses. Being gay should just be a nonissue. I did a Google search for websites or support groups for other gay military spouses. There's nothing out there. How sad is that? And I have a feeling it's because of fear. Because of this don't ask/don't tell bullshit. Because, obviously the Army doesn't care if you're gay if they think they need you. By the end of last week, because of some totally inappropriate behavior by someone in her unit, her whole unit knew the rumor of her being gay. Even with paperwork pending to come home to help with her grandmother, they didn't care and weren't about to discharge her. I'm sure it's much more scary for career military people. Nerdstar's military obligation ends with this tour. If they want to make a big deal of her being gay and send her home early - great.

I'm not the motivated activist type. I've thought a little bit about starting a website for others in the same situation I am. I probably won't though.

My immediate goal is to stay awake thru my workday, then go home and crash hard.

Bad News

Well, it’s official, Nerdstar gets on a plane around 5 a.m. Pacific Time Friday morning. I'll get to talk to her tonight, and hopefully once more tomorrow, then it'll be a while before we talk again. It’ll take them about three days to get to Kuwait. She’s not sure exactly how long they’ll be in Kuwait unloading all their equipment that’s being shipped over, or where she’ll be after that. She’s going to be with the command unit, maybe even be their hummer driver.

The other day I was wondering what we’d done last New Year’s Eve, and I looked thru my archives and was reminded that we spent last New Year’s apart as well because of a fucked up job situation on her part.

I feel like I’m right on the edge of just completely falling apart. Oh, sure I can make it thru the days ok. But I dread crawling into bed because I know I’ll come undone once I do. There are so many emotions, big, strong emotions. Fear, anger, dread, sadness. They fight for who gets felt the most.

I’m so angry at Nerdstar for putting us in this position. But I can’t be mad at her, because I know she’s feeling just as badly as I am. I keep reminding myself this has to be so much harder for her, and I really have to/want to make this as easy on her as I can. And, I’m angry at life for always fucking with me.

I’m so deeply sad at the thought of her being away from home for another year. I don’t want to go thru the next year without her, the holidays, our birthdays, our anniversary.
I don’t want to be alone. I was alone for a long time, finally found someone I really enjoy living with, sharing my life with, and now she’s not here with me.

And I’m scared to death of so many things. There’s some small part of me that is totally convinced that once she gets on that plane for Iraq I’ll never see her again, that she’ll be killed over there. I’m scared that our relationship won’t survive this year apart. That one of us will change too much.

I’ve been physically ill the past two weeks over all of this. I’m not sure the next two weeks will be any easier. I have a lot of decisions to make. When I want to quit my job. How to fill the time when I do quit. What I want to do for New Year’s. Basically, how to get thru the next year without going crazy.

I know there are hundreds of thousands of family members of military people going thru this. That just isn't very comforting. Especially since there's not really a support group I can sign up for.

Sigh. Keep on keeping on, that's about the only choice huh?

Veterans Day

My dad and all of his brothers did their time in the Army. Two of my uncles went to Vietnam under the buddy program, and my other uncle went as well. Thankfully, they all came home. My dad volunteered at the right time and was stationed in Germany driving tanks instead of in Vietnam.

My father never really talked about his military service, he's a very quiet man. I’ve learned more about it in the past few years when Nerdstar has talked with him and my uncle about it than I ever did growing up. So, I didn’t know until after college that my dad had hoped I’d do the military thing.

I always knew the military wasn’t for me. If getting up ass early every morning wasn’t reason enough not to join, taking orders was. There have been times the stability of military life looked like a nice option. But that stability always seemed too restricting, to have too high a price.

I certainly never, ever thought I’d end up a military wife. I’ve never been attracted to military types, men or women.

When I met Nerdstar, she had done two and a half years of active duty and was in the reserves in the National Guard, but she seemed even less the military type than me.

When 9/11 hit she was in the Army reserves, trying like hell to get her security clearance so she could be a Chinese linguist. I kept telling her she should get out before they called her to active duty. She honestly never thought they would. She was in an obscure little linguist unit. Her active duty job had been in supply, though, and I knew that would come back to bite her in the ass.

Almost a year went by and no word on her being deployed. Then, sure enough, they called her up to do supply for a unit of Arab linguist. She’s been gone almost seven months, and if she’s sent to Iraq this week, she’ll be gone another year.

It’s hard being an unacknowledged military wife. While Nerdstar hasn’t been in danger, or in Iraq yet, it’s still really hard to get thru this time apart. People who support the military don’t usually support gays, or even gays in the military. I can’t begin to imagine the impact legalizing gay marriage would have on the military. It would force a change in don’t ask/don’t tell.

On this Veterans Day, I’d like to salute all the gay and lesbian soldiers out there, who serve their country in spite of possible personal persecution. And I’d like to extend a toast to all the other partners of gay and lesbian soldiers who go unacknowledged and unthanked because they’re forced to remain invisible.

Pissy

Nerdstar and I joke around all the time about how much God hates us... but some days sure make it feel real.

It's been bad enough going thru six months of being unsettled emotionally, STILL not knowing if Nerdstar is going to Iraq, being unsettled mentally and not being able to make plans for the future. And now, as things are getting really stressful, my living space has become completely fucked.

The property manager came by this morning and just decided to have all new carpet installed. That sounds like a good thing, and I'm sure when it's all said and done I'll be happy with that. We've lived here a year and are about to sign up for another year. But she couldn't even tell me exactly when this will take place. So there's lots of stuff out of place. And while I'm certainly in no mood to pack up all my books and cds and dvds and such to help the guys who are going to have to come in and install carpet in an occupied duplex, I'm not sure I trust them not to fuck with my stuff. I find in my old age I get more and more icked out by people messing with me stuff.

I briefly considered just moving out. But I don't really want to go thru the hassle of finding a new place, changing all the utilities and all that stuff. The hassle of new carpet isn't as big as the hassle of moving.

It's amazing how little comfort the line "well, it could have been worse" really is.

All this on top of Nerdstar flying out again today to head back up to Tacoma where I'm fairly convinced we're just going to be told she's shipping out the 13th. She's convinced she's not.

So I'm just pissy today. And having these big fans blowing is driving me nuts from the noise and irritating as hell to my sinuses and throat with all the crap they must be blowing up.

Home

Yes, Nerdstar and I made it back to Austin, and she went and picked up Ramen from the kennel this morning. The cats were happy to see us. Little Man kept waking us up every hour or so meowing at us loudly all night. It's stupidly warm here this week - in the 80s. UGH! The high in Tacoma yesterday was in the low 40s, which we both prefer. Oh well, looks like we can ride the motorcycle to lunch!

It was really good to get away for a week. Spending time with Nerdstar helped me to set everything aside for a few days and not worry so much. I'm an amazing proficient worrier. But, another week has gone by, the ship out date is still getting closer, and suprise, surprise, we still have absolutely NO idea what's going to happen. Last word she got on Friday was that the paperwork has just been going back and forth between the new and the old units trying to decide who's going to decide. Stupid.

So, we're off to our favorite restaurants and maybe the movies and getting in as much snuggling as we can.

Optimistic

Being around a military base this week certainly brings the Iraq War closer to home for me, to meet people who will be over there soon. So hearing about the hotel in Baghdad and then the horrible events with the International Red Cross makes me so sad and frustrated.

I truly hope that the Iraqis are getting enough of a taste of freedom that they'll find it worth fighting for. And the reports I read on soldiers' websites and Iraqi websites seem to indicate that to a large degree they do. Because if the Iraqi's don't see the absolute necessity of fighting the terrorists in their county, if they don't see the absolute threat those terrorists are to that budding freedom, well, then there's not much hope then is there?

For now I'm still cautiously optimistic.

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Oh, and I think I could get used to having a laptop and blogging from bed. Although, hmmm... that could be a whole different kind of blog. Maybe that kind of blog would pay the bills.

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Ready To Go

This time tomorrow I'll be on my way to Tacoma to spend the week with Nerdstar. I think I'll be more excited about that once this very slow work day is over. Everything is arranged, the dog has reservations at the Canine Hilton, the neighbor is going to feed the fish and check on the cats.

I bought two books for the plane rides, I'll write about them later. For now suffice it to say that Neil Gaiman has cost me a lot of money this year. Now that I've read everything he's written, I'm branching out to women authors he's worked with or recommended.

I probably need to do a load of laundry tonight, and then pack.

We have plans to check into the hotel, order some pizza and get naked and snuggle while watching Game 6. Personally, I think that's the only way to watch sports and have been sorely deprived with Nerdstar being gone for six months

Other than that the week will be kinda weird for me because she's still doing Army stuff all the time and I'll be spending more time on an Army base and in the barracks. Her roommate was reassigned back to Austin because she's pregnant, so Nerdstar has her room to herself. But I'm still not sure I want to sleep in the barracks if it's possible for her to stay at the hotel with me. We'll figure out all the logistics after I get there.

Anatomy of a Decision

I’ve written before about how hard I find it to make decisions sometimes. (oh no, not this stuff again.) But that doesn’t stop my brain from making contingency plans for my contingency plans.

I’m still very tempted to quit my job this Friday and take off on the road Sunday or Monday. After a day and a half, I still haven’t been given a decision on the request I made for two weeks off. That’s kinda odd in our office. I wonder if they are worried I’ll quit if they tell me I can’t take the time off (they’re right, I will). There’s an important two day training during those two weeks that I have a feeling they don’t want to give me time off during. But really, I don’t know what’s up.

There is still the chance, though, that they'll approve the two weeks off, I won't have to quit, and I'll take about eight or nine days and fly up to Tacoma.

There are still too many loose ends/unknowns to make a decision tonight, but here’s where it’s at.

Either Nerdstar comes home in the next few weeks, or on November 8 she’s headed to Iraq. I don’t think it’ll take the powers that be past November 8 to make a decision.

If Nerdstar comes home, she’ll either be looking for a new job, or we’ll be moving so she can go back to school. It would really suck for us both to be looking for a job at the same time. So we’d need all of the money we currently have saved to get thru that.

If Nerdstar goes to Iraq, her salary would cover the bills for as long as it took for me to find a new job. And I don’t think we’d have to use any of our savings. So, it wouldn’t really matter in the long run if I were unemployed for a while. I don’t think it would be realistic to hope to find a job in Dec/Jan. I’m sure there would be some temp stuff if I wanted to go that route, but I figure a lot of companies will start to put off new hiring until after the first of the year. (Business guys - is that a bad assumption?)

Like I said in an earlier post. I don’t want to fuck up the future. So I’m trying to really figure out if quitting my job will do that.

There’s also the road trip itself. I’ve really been wanting to take one for a while. But I’m also aware it could be kinda depressing to do that much time on the road alone (well, with Ramen). It’d take me three days to get to Tacoma. But I’d take my time getting back to Austin. Again, either Nerdstar will be on her way to Iraq and it won’t really matter where I am. Or best case scenario is she’d be taking the trip back with me (that's a whole different idea that I'm not letting my brain dwell on).

The clock is ticking. I just have no idea what the next few days will bring.

Oh, and as for what Nerdstar thinks about all of it. Beats me. We've talked about it some. I'm sure she'd tell me to take the next flight out if she could, but she's not the best at making plans.

Stress

I'm not used to stress. It's not something I usually feel. There haven't been enough things I've cared that much about that I would stress out over them. I guess that's why I'm not dealing with it very well now that it's hitting full force. But I'm sitting at my desk feeling like crying and/or throwing up all morning.

To make matters worse, I keep being a complete ass to Nerdstar. And when it's less than three weeks until she might be headed to a part of the world where there's a higher chance of injury or death - it's just not good.

I just put in a request to be off for a couple of weeks around Nov. 8th in case I need to go up to Tacoma. I'm not sure they're going to approve it, but I have a feeling if they don't I'll just quit. Push comes to shove - I either take the time and come back to work, or I take the time and don't come back to work. Right now I don't care which.

I'm almost to the point where I don't what the answer is - is she going to Iraq or not - I just need to know what to plan for. The uncertainty is driving me insane.

If we're lucky Nov. 8 will come and go and I'll look back on this time and feel stupid. But we haven't had much good luck in the past four and a half years.

Ugh

It's a beautiful weekend outside, but not so much inside my head. Friday night I was supposed to go hear Ginger and Sarah with a friend who's in town on a job project for a while. She ended up making plans with her family instead. I found this out for sure when I got off of work Friday. At first I thought I'd go hear them play anyway. But I just didn't feel like going to do something alone again. It's getting really old. And that kicked off a blah weekend. I've stayed up past two the last two nights, been mean to Nerdstar and frustrated with her.

November 8th is D day for Nerdstar. That's the day her unit is scheduled to leave for Iraq. That's about three weeks away. But because she's got paperwork in progress to be reassigned back to Austin because of her grandmother's health - it's all still up in the air. That means I can't get mentally or emotionally ready. She's saying it's about a 50/50 chance she's coming home, but is acting more like it's a done deal. Me, I