Beth's Contradictory Brain

A Little Rant

Indulge me, I'm gonna rant a little.

This is exactly why I hate her being in the army. There is never any definite plan/schedule. Fine, I love our military and it's accomplishments and all that. I love it more than she does. But being an outsider and yet being subjected it this endless hurry and wait bullshit pisses me off.

I've wanted her out of the army for years. But, for reasons that even she has no idea what they were anymore, she kept hanging in there with this reserve stuff.

Anyway. After all the stress of the past two weeks, she calls yesterday saying they're going to process her out of this training. Great. Maybe this is a way to get out of the army altogether - which she just might finally be ready to do.

Then today it's all, well, it's the weekend, no one's working, I've got to talk to the higher up's on Monday, blah, blah, blah.

Now, up until yesterday I was the one trying to stay positive, and encourage her and tell her to suck it up and get through this. Then I spent yesterday afternoon, evening, re-arranging my brain and trying to figure out the logistics of her coming home next week instead of over 3 months from now. Canceling a pet sitter, telling my Mom we wouldn't be there in a couple of weeks. Nothing major really. More wrapping my brain around all the sudden changes.

And... my brain has to keep waiting and worrying and all that until at least Monday.

There's only two more weeks of this training anyway. And her immediate chain-of-command have been real dickheads. Who knows what the higher-ups will say about all of it. They could send her home next week. They could find someway to help her finish this course. They could ask her to come back and re-do all or parts of the course later.

I keep asking if they leave it up to her what happens what her answer is. I think she wants to come home, but I'm not sure even that's at 100%.

Sigh.

Happy Anniversary!

Happy Anniversary to my Nerdstar Dorj Snuggle Bunny Cutie Pie!!

Wow. Ten. Years. That's a long time. It's been a crazy ten years, as you can tell from the post I did about all of our travels and such.

And it sucks a lot to not spend this day together. I'd bitch and moan about how much it sucks that we weren't together today, that we didn't get to go out and eat some great meal somewhere. But I got to thinking about all the other military families out there who go through deployments and crap like this all the time. While I've got a category over there called "military wife" - I don't usually feel like one. You know, that whole DADT bullshit. But days like today really bring home the reality of being a military wife.

I won't make my anniversary post a rant... sigh.

So, here's to my Army Girl :-) I love you and I'm proud of you. Food doesn't taste good without you. I'm not having any fun. There's no point in yelling at the tv with you gone. Having the bed to myself gets old fast. (Well, you know Little Man is happy having your side.) There's no one here to say "bed is great."

We've had a lot of adventures these ten years. I think the next ten will be even better.

Week One

Not too bad of a first week of Nerdstar being gone. I made a little progress on packing stuff up, worked a couple of days.

Hopefully sometime this weekend Nerdstar will blog about her first week. She's had to get up ass early every morning, do quite a bit of physical training, lots of hurry up and wait, and lots of boring briefings/meetings.

I miss her, but this time seems much easier than when she was deployed to Iraq. Not having to worry about her safety 24/7 makes a huge difference. Also knowing the exact end date helps. Plus, she's got her blackberry with her and we can text a lot. She's got the laptop with her, but internet service has kinda sucked so far.

I have a work from home project that was supposed to start today, but now looks like they won't have it ready until Monday. Many years ago I scored student essays for standardized tests. A while back I found their website and saw that they now have it set up so people can do that from home and applied. It's not a ton of money, but it's better than none and it gives me something to do - which also helps my brain not get all wonky on me while she's gone.

Hectic

I really don't want tomorrow to get here. I don't want my Nerdstar to be gone until Sept.

It's been good that we were both off this week to get all this stuff done. It's been a pretty hectic week. Her focus for a while now has been preparing for OBC and mine has been the house and the move.

Tomorrow morning we get up very, very early and drive down to Georgia. It's about a 12 hour drive. We'll be stopping in Charlotte to get some good grub. She has to check in at noon on Sunday and get squared away in the barracks. Turns out she'll be sharing the room with another chick. Think dorm room but smaller. Hopefully we'll get to see each other Sunday evening. Then Ramen and I drive back Monday. (Ramen dog is fantastic on road trips - thankfully - since he gets to do so many of them.)

Once I get back home, it'll take me at least a day or two to get the place back into some sense of organized and functional. Then it's 3 weeks till closing on the house and the movers show up.

I'm hoping to work some days in there. And, I got a work from home gig for the last couple of weeks of this month that I'm sure I'll write more about later.

I've got lists of things that need to be done, but it still all rattles around my brain all the time.

So, I'll update when I can over the weekend, might just send a few tweets on Twitter.

Shift In Focus

Now that we're fairly certain the house will happen, (I'll only stop worrying when the keys are in my hand!) the focus has shifted this week to getting Nerdstar packed and on her way to OBC.

It's back to Military Wife status for me!

She's got two separate, back to back, Officer Training Courses to go to. The first is BOLC, Basic Officer Leadership Course. It's a lot like boot camp when you first enlist. In-processing, paperwork, lots of physical training and classwork. She'll even be staying in barracks - not sure if she'll have her own very small room, or have to share, or if it'll be an open space type thing. I think this is all quite funny and can't wait for reports! While Nerdstar is actually a very good officer, because her priority, unlike so many in the military she's dealt with, is making sure the people she's responsible for have what they need. Other than that, she's not really the military type at all. She's always late, disorganized, and hates being told what to do.

Anyway, that course lasts six weeks.

Then she's got six days until the next training starts. That training is specifically for Military Intelligence peeps. It's a lot less physical and more classroom stuff. She'll actually have classes in how to make PowerPoint presentations. Heh. This course lasts three and a half months and due to a housing shortage on post, she'll have an apartment off post. Thankfully that's paid for by the army.

She's packing most of her stuff for the first course, but then she's packing the additional stuff for the longer stay. The stuff for the longer stay will just be kept in her car until we drive to the second course location. So in just 24 hours the apartment is already starting to look like a bomb has gone off.

Thankfully for me, she'll also have just enough time to pack up all her clothes and shoes and such before I have to pack the rest of the apartment for the move!

All that said, I'll be very proud of her when she completes these courses!

Road Tripping

Well, we still haven't managed to get Nerdstar out of going to OBC, though there's always a small chance.

Although I'm sad Nerdstar won't be moving in to the new house with me - because that feels all kinds of weird - I think we're both looking forward to the road trips involved with her going to OBC.

April 4 I drive her down to Ft. Benning in Georgia. When she's done there in mid-May we'll drove from there to Ft. Huachuca in Arizona. That means we'll get to spend at least a whole day in Texas visiting family and eating! Then I'll fly back to DC from there so she can have the car. Then Sept. 1 I'll fly back down there so we can road trip from Huachuca to DC and spend even more time in Texas eating - heh!

Half Way

Well, we're at the halfway point until I see my Nerdstar again. I think this is the least depressed I've been of all the times she's been away from home. I'm doing a decent job of getting some things done on my days off, and keeping myself entertained. We've also gotten to talk a lot more this time, which also helps tremendously!

She's not having any fun at all and finds the whole thing pretty frustrating. I'm proud of her for stepping up when things need to be done, and for not going postal as I probably would.

Not much planned for the rest of the weekend. I finished up the John Adams series the other night. I didn't know he and Abigale were married for over 50 years. Wow.

I decided to try to tackle Democracy In America by Alexis DeTocqueville. I think I got a good translation of both volumes. We'll see how much of it I get read, but I think it's worth trying.

Other than that I'm still finishing up season 6 of Buffy. I'm going to start at the beginning of Doctor Who and see how far I get.

Alone Again

It sucks coming home to an empty house, especially knowing it's going to be empty for the next three weeks. Sigh.

We had to get up at 5:00 a.m. so I could get her to the metro so she could get to the airport. That came awfully early after not getting to sleep until around midnight.

In spite of all her time in the military, Nerdstar is not so great at packing, being efficient, or on time. We joke all the time that's she's always going to be a 12 year old boy at heart. I imagine trying to get a 12 year old boy ready for a three week trip is about the same as getting her ready. I had her start packing Monday night, because I remember it took her many hours last time and I didn't want our last evening to be spent with her packing. So last night we did manage to go out to one of our favorite restaurants for dinner. Then she still spent almost another 2 hours getting things ready. When we were finally getting ready for bed I asked if she was ready to walk out the door, everything packed, good to go. She said yes. Uh huh - sure. At least we made it out the door on time this morning.

I almost feel bad for her. In spite of being in great locations, near Seattle, then in Hawaii, it seems her time really will be spent doing very dull stuff with people she'd rather not be with. Like after traveling all day today, tomorrow they have a "commander's run" scheduled for 5:30 a.m. Nice.

Because she didn't get her class in Monterey rescheduled, I'll be flying out there at the end of the month. Airfare is outrageous, but that's our only expense other than food and fun while there. I'll spend 3 days watching the waves roll in and out while she's in class! Can't wait!

Plus, her whole Army unit won't be in Monterey, just her, so I don't have to worry about running into anyone. And she's staying in a decent hotel, not on base.

Orders Update

As was expected, Nerdstar finally got her orders to go to her annual training Thursday. Ugh. But even better, someone decided to sign her up for additional training the following week out in California. So now if both sets of orders stand, she'll be gone for almost a month. To say I've been pissy about the whole thing is probably an understatement. And I've done a good job of making Nerdstar miserable about the whole thing. I think I go through the stages of grief about the whole ting - denial, anger, etc.

Her AT this year is in Hawaii, and we talked a lot about me flying out to meet her and hang out. But since the actual orders have taken so long to come through - I just don't think I want to spend a small fortune on airfare. Plus the hassle of finding somewhere for Ramen to stay and all that.

We're hoping (but not optimistic) that her second set of orders can at least be rescheduled. With any luck we'll find out Tuesday, you know, before she leaves Wednesday. That training takes place in Monterrey, CA. If she can't get that rescheduled I will meet her out there. We were in Monterrey a few years ago and I really like it there.

I'm sure most people would take Hawaii over Monterrey, but I'm not really the Hawaii type. She's not really looking forward to being there either. The whole trip is going to be a nightmare dealing with her commander. And I've told her under no circumstances can she have fun without me. One of her goals is to get an updated status on her process of being medically discharged. It's taking a long time to go that route, but she really doesn't have a better way to get out of the military.

Memorial Day Weekend

Hope you all had a good one. Hope you all had a drink to all those who have fought and died for this great country we call home.

Even though Nerdstar is a war vet, we just never feel the reality of it. I don't know how to explain that. I asked her about it the other day, but I think it partly has to do with still being in the Army, even if just the reserves.

Rolling Thunder is always in DC this weekend, and we saw a few of them when we went into DC for lunch on Sunday. It's not something that has ever interested me, in spite of me being big on veterans and motorcycles. I was thinking about that this weekend and I think for me part of it has to do with the image of "typical vets" during my lifetime has always had everything to do with Vietnam. Yes, there has always been stuff about "the greatest generation" - but all the media and movies in my life have been about the hell of Vietnam. And any time I've seen vet groups, especially those like Rolling Thunder, they're predominantly scraggly dudes all about Vietnam.

So I was wondering how the image of war vets will change once it shifts to being predominately Iraq vets.

I did ask Nerdstar if she'll one day want to vacation in Iraq. She said maybe, Mosul isn't too bad. I'm one of the few who believe that will actually be possible in ten to fifteen years.

UPDATE: Nerdstar wrote a great entry about Memorial Day.

Weekend Update

Another quiet, lonely weekend around here for me and the pets. Nerdstar's over in Utah playing soldier again this weekend. Some sort of conference about things she's not involved in. I just keep telling her I have no sympathy for her boring, dreary, sleep deprived weekend.

There does seem to be some good news about her eventually getting out of the Army. She, rightly, decided the best way might be a medical discharge for her bad lower back. She's spent the past month or two seeings docs, getting an MRI and filling out forms. She finally submitted all of it and things seem to be progressing in the right direction. I'm not saying it's progressing very quickly - but it's progressing.

I haven't written about work lately, although I've been meaning to.

I'm really much, much happier at work now. Shifting the hours to 7:30 to 4 has relieved so much of the stress I was putting myself under. Now, the people who have to handle the last two hours of the day are mostly the people who were slacking off. Heh. The supervisor who's so useless is still utterly useless - complaining that they can't handle those two hours - when I've been handling them for months. But instead of making her step up, our manager is actually staying late himself some days to help her out. I think that's hysterical. Anyway, the point is none of it affects me any longer and that makes my days at work much better.

I do feel slight guilt when I'm not there Tuesday/Thursday. And I'm totally aware I've given up all rights to complain about anything at work - which can be hard when all everyone does it sit around and complain about everything. I can't say how much I wish it was Friday already, or that I didn't get any sleep and I'm tired, or anything like that.

The one thing that helps quiet that guilt is knowing that I'm still doing more registrations in 3 days than some people are doing in 5. I work hard when I'm there. I'm sure my coworkers have mixed feelings about my new schedule. On the upside I'm a lot more relaxed and upbeat. I guess the downside would be if they think it's selfish or unfair. Oh well...

Flashback

It was a little weird getting stamps this morning. I totally flashed back to all my trips to the post office when Nerdstar was in Iraq and I'd send her packages.

Strange what can set off which memories.

Just Her Luck

Nerdstar was supposed to fly out of Seattle this afternoon and come home - somehow I knew that wasn't going to happen. I hate when I'm right about such things. I know I've written on here before at some point in time about Nerdstar's terrible luck with getting back home from trips.

It's not her fault, or even in her control, but when I was already pretty pissy about her being gone to start with - it sure doesn't make me any happier.

I can't really explain what's going on with her Army unit - but apparently someone in leadership is in trouble, so they canceled the entire unit's flights - yes even all the people like Nerdstar who have real, civilian jobs expecting them back at work tomorrow morning - to do questioning. There's some sort of investigation going on and Nerdstar doesn't even know what about really, they hadn't gotten around to talking with her last time we got a chance to talk.

One other little problem. Nerdstar isn't so great at packing and usually forgets things. When she went to Hawaii a couple of months ago, she forgot her phone. This time, she took my phone charger instead of hers. She has two phones, so she's ok - but other than Skype, I'm going to be phoneless pretty soon. I could buy another charger, but that seems like a waste of money because this one isn't lost, it's just not here now.

My hope is that in all of this hassle and, frankly, bullshit once again with the Army, Nerdstar will finally have had enough and get out. We'll see.

We're not even sure exactly when they're going to re-book their flights home. We're hoping for tomorrow, but...

All of this is a part of my midlife crisis this weekend. There's a lot more going on about houses and babies and careers and such.

Still An Army Wife

It's been a while since I've gotten to write about how much it sucks being an army wife. But once again, Nerdstar is on the other side of the country for five days doing army b.s. And I've been pissed off about it for days. She's supposed to be a reservist - a weekend warrior. That should mean one weekend a month and two weeks a year. But for too many reasons to go into right now, she's doing army shit every evening and this is the second long trip in three or four months - and she'll be gone across the country for a long weekend again in two weeks.

There are two things about it that seem to piss me off the most. One is that I have no say in any of it - in spite of how much it affects me. Two is that I hate feeling like I take second place (or lower) in her life. It used to be that her family came first. That's changed some since Grandma died. Since she's been with this new unit - it's taken up way too much of her time.

And I'm sure in there somewhere are all the absolute shit emotions from all the time she was gone for Iraq - anytime she's gone for the army it seems to be worse than say if she's visiting family.

So if anyone wants to come to DC and go out - drop me a line.

Shout Out

Nerdstar took her oath today to become a commissioned officer in the Army Reserves. Congratulations!!

It was a short, simple ceremony up at her office. There are lots of current and former military members where she works, so they helped her get this done.

It doesn't mean any immediate change for her, she still hasn't found a local unit to belong to, and after she finds that, she has to find an open slot to go to officer school in Arizona for a couple of months. She's got up to 3 years to get that done (I think).

It's still weird being a military wife!! I got to be there, but kinda had to keep it low key.

Very Bad DejaVu

Just like on her flight over to Japan, Nerdstar's been stuck in Chicago.

Her 3 pm flight was cancelled - who knows why - fuckin United. So now it's after 9 pm and she thinks she'll be on a 10 pm flight home. Bleh.

So you know what that means, right? She didn't get to go to the buffet tonight like she wanted, and I had to walk the dog again.

Update: 11:18 pm - now that Nerdstar should actually be in the air in route - there are massive thunder storms all around KC. Great. They've got 45 minutes to blow on through so they can land. Doubtful...

Congratulations!!

My Nerdstar passed the boards to be promoted to Lieutenant! I'm so proud of her.

I think comments here are still messed up, and since I don't know why - go leave a comment for Nerdstar at her site.

Memorial Day Weekend

I'm not sure this post will be more coherent than rambling...

HBO has the Band of Brothers mini series on their On Demand. I've never seen it and thought it would make good viewing on this Memorial Day Weekend.

This is what I wrote two years ago when Nerdstar was in Iraq. It's almost exactly what I was thinking again today.

I don't believe Nerdstar takes any pride in her military service. She thinks it's just a job she's doing because it pays better than any other job she can find for now.

I just want to say that I'm proud of her. I'm proud of her service to our country, especially since she's not even native born American! This post from two years ago is about a close call she had with a mortar, and the soldiers who were injured or died.

So my heart and prayers go out, again, still, to all the soldiers "in the field" this weekend. And maybe even more, they go out to all the families left behind.

And here's hoping that one day gay soldiers and their families will be an openly welcome part of it all.

Deja Vu

Shortly after Nerdstar had left for Iraq, I was going though the kitchen trying to find something to eat, and saw all the things that were hers in the pantry. Things like canned eel, pickled duck eggs, ten different kinds of hot teas, five or six kinds of ramen, etc. So instead of just throwing them all away or letting them go bad before she came home, I boxed it all up and mailed it to her!

I just did the same thing - except this time it's going to Japan. The base there seems to be pretty basic. And although her barracks are between the chow hall and the PX, apparently the poor girl just can't find anything good to eat. To her - that's the definition of hell. Heh.

She got a cell phone to use over there, and since I downloaded Skype, I can call her and it't not to terribly expensive. Although, the call to her cell phone seemed to be a lot more expensive than the one to her office phone. Not sure why.

Three and a half months doesn't sound like a long time. But I think it's going to feel like a long time.

Update

Nerdstar made it safe and sound to the base in Japan after her delay. It's taken a few days to get settled in. She's glad she only signed up for a 100 day tour over there. It's nice, but not nice enough to stay long term. She said her room in the barracks doesn't even have a tv - oh the horror! At least she doesn't have to share it with someone.

I did download Skype last night so I can call her over the computer and talk for pretty cheap! $10 is supposed to get us about 7 hours of calls, hopefully that's true. With our schedules they way they are she's at work in the mornings when I'm getting home from work in the evening and we can chat through Gmail and I can call her office.

There's already drama at work about my new job. All I'll say is that I have to learn over and over that you just can't really trust anyone anymore. And that's sad. Like I've said, I'm there to make money not friends. The best part of the job for me is working with the patients - and I have a least two or three every day tell me I'm doing good.

One other thing I know - I could never be a single mother. I'm doing good to come home from work and take care of me and the pets!

Easier

Other than the unknown end result of Nerdstar being gone for 105 days, I think it's going to be easier not having her around this time. Mostly, it'll be a lot less stressful because I don't have to worry 24/7 about her getting blown up. That alone will make a huge difference. But I can already tell, having her in Houston these few days, that having a job is also going to make her being gone a lot easier mentally and emotionally. Over time I'll even get the house clean and organized.

Maybe it'll be good to feel both productive and independent. We'll see.

Life as a military wife continues

Just the existance of this article in the Army Times is heartening. Gays in the military: It’s a question of liberty

As I stated a few times while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I really never thought I'd end up being a military wife. We talked sometimes about her being gay and in the Army, but it just wasn't an issue. We both planned on her being out of the military altogether this coming May. Then this opportunity to do linguist work came thru and is just too good to pass up.

We've talked about how our relationship and her new career choice might intersect. Hell, we try to just imagine life in Kansas as a couple. Maybe we'll both have to be a little less "out." It's hard for me to really know or imagine how life will be up there. Maybe we're both being naive and optimistic, but we don't see any major changes to the way we live our lives. She's not one to really share a lot of life's details with co-workers anyway. Me, well, to know me at all is to know my life story. Neither of us are the type to put up rainbow stickers and be advocates. But we also haven't ever been in a situation where anyone cared that we were a couple.

I'm not being very coherent in this post. It's something I think we're just planning on seeing how it goes. I know a lot of the time that everyone plays don't ask/don't tell, not just the military.

Anyway. One more week of this suck-ass life of being apart.

Fun!

Ok, so I've been playing in the amature poker league on Monday and Wednesday nights since about mid-Noveber. I generally do ok. There are two sessions of about 80 players each.

Tonight, I kicked ass. I got first place in the early session and second place in the later session.

I just had to brag.

Congrats!!

Nerdstar has been promoted to Sergeant. I'm very proud of my girl!

Leaving Again

As Nerdstar wrote yesterday, she has orders to go to Ft. Leavenworth, KS for a month to do some linguist work. She flies up there Monday. It's pretty cool. Back when she was at Ft. Lewis before leaving for Iraq she was in contact with one of the men at Ft. Leavenworth about this job, then she was deployed to Iraq. Once she came home she contacted him again, and thankfully they still need her.

What's cool is that this is a 30 day trial. She gets to see if she likes the job and the area, and they get to see if they like her work. At the end of this 30 days she can walk away or they can say no thanks. But, if everyone is happy, then they'll extend her orders for that job for a year.

Neither of us are really thinking past the next couple of weeks. I'll go up and visit her and see how I like the area at the end of week three.

As I've said before, it would be really hard to leave Austin, but it's certainly a possibility.

Bleh

It's 12:20 a.m. The alarm is going to go off at 6:50 a.m. In spite of a little rum and coke a couple of hours ago, I was completely unable to fall asleep. I think I'm going to have a meltdown in this countdown to Nerdstar coming home. I need to be distracted, but nothing is distracting. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. So many fears, hopes, anxieties, worries, plans, regrets.

I know this will end eventually. There's just no comfort in that yet.

Soon, but not soon enough!

I will be having enough sex to try to make up for the missed year.

I won't have to sleep in an empty bed, I'll have my Snuggle Bunny with me.

I won't have to eat alone, shop alone, bum around town alone.

The constant worry will go away.

I won't have to pet or walk Ramen.

I won't have to open the door for the cats and dog to come in and out.

I'll have help cleaning the house and doing the laundry.

I'll have my favorite bedtime conversationalist back.

Bleh

Today is one of those sad, frustrating days. While the beginning of August brought a new sense of anticipation, that if Nerdstar isn't home next month, then surely it'll be the month after that. And it seemed close. But today it's sinking in that the soonest she could be home just isn't soon enough. And the anger that's just under the surface rises about how long she's already been gone and how much it just seems wasted time. And all the fears and all the worries about the future push out all the hope.

For whatever reason, Nerdstar wasn't able to be online for our afternoon chat today. Tomorrow I start a new temp job, so we won't be able to chat until Saturday. And when days feel like weeks, that's a long ways off. Hopefully they'll get the phone lines on her base working again and she can at least call this week.

Can I just sleep until she's home? Because, really, that would be better.

August 1

Yeah, it's the start of another new month, which means one is finished and I'm that much closer to having my Nerdstar home. We still don't know exactly when she'll be coming home. We have our fingers crossed and prayers said for sooner rather than later.

I keep trying to get her to write an update for here, but they keep having troubles with the servers over there. She got to go out on a patrol in one of the Mosul neighborhoods with the new psych. ops. unit stationed there. Mostly they were surrounded by all the kids. She said she took a lot of pictures, so eventually she'll mail them back here and I'll get them developed and on the fotopage. She's doing well for the most part. Fortunately things have been mostly quiet over there for her, although I always hate writing that for fear of jinxing it.

I've rounded the corner where I'm anticipating her being home more than I worry - so that's good but scary. Once we actually know a more definite timeframe, I'll bore you all to tears every day with all the minute details of getting ready for her to come home.

Unhealthy

I told Nerdstar the other day that I've developed a totally unhealthy attachment to this laptop because it's my lifeline to her.

Absence

The Questing Cat writes a powerful post on his personal thoughts and fears about being separated from his fiancee for so long.

My friend in Germany lives on base over there and some of the soldiers are starting to return home. So the stories of spending sprees, spousal abuse and too high divorce rates start.

Nerdstar and I were talking the other day and agreed war zones really should be reserved for single male soldiers. The toll of year deployments in war zones on relationships and families is just too high. Now, true, maybe the relationships that fail during deployment would have failed anyway, it's hard to say. Almost all of the few women Nerdstar knows over there are getting divorced when they get home.

This year has been hard for Nerdstar and I, but we've pressed thru and look to have an even stronger relationship when she comes home. I think the one thing that really helped us was the four years we were together before she was called up. But I know we both have our worries, just like Questing Cat does. Our saving grace has been our luck in being able to chat and email so very often, and even then communication is hard.

Hard

Most of the time I do pretty well. Then sometimes it all just crashes in. The totality of the hard things. It's not just being separated for over a year, it's not just worrying about her safety 24/7, it's not just not working (which I can debate endlessly with myself whether that was the smartest choice or not), it's not just spending 6 and 3/4 out of every 7 days alone, it's when the reality of all of those things crashes in and overwhelms me all at once.

And while I can do ok most of the time, my brain needs an outlet for all the millions of thoughts that wander around in it constantly. And the best outlet for that used to be long conversations with good friends. It hit me the other night just how long it's been since I've had that. And talking to the pets just doesn't cut it.

Nerdstar and I talk all the time about how hard it is to make new friends, good friends. So one of the things that's made me the most hurt and angry while she's been gone is that people who I used to be friends with, like the few people I would talk with at my last job, or people I used to be closer to be sort of drifted because of theological differences, that in spite of knowing I'm going thru this hard time haven't reached out. That's something I'll just never understand. People that I only know thru this blog have been more supportive than people I've know in "real" life.

Long, hot, slow days

Sigh. Just another slow, boring week around here. I think that's a good thing. Nerdstar and I have gotten to IM quite a bit this week, and she even got to call yesterday morning. We're both just trying to get thru these long, hot days of summer.

It's still not clear on whether the Army is sending their replacements in October or November. This frustrates me to no end. They should start sending them in late September and get the soldiers she's over there with home earlier rather than later. If the rotation goes slowly enough, I guess there's a chance she'd be home early December instead of November. I can't even think about that here in July. It's just too damn far off.

The good thing is that their base hasn't had any mortar attacks since just before the handover. But are you hearing this is the news, no. They had been mortared two or three times a day almost every day until then. So that's a big, positive change.

Jinxes and Worries

Tim writes about something I totally get. I, too, fear the jinx, fear life getting all ironic and cruel on me. Especially, again, watching season 6 of Buffy where it's just one damn tragedy after another. There are just too many instances of plots where just when everything seems to be ok again, the danger has passed, WHAM - the worst possible thing happens. But it's not just jinxing things with good thoughts, I worry about making bad things happen by just thinking about them, too.

Sarah also writes about how hard it is to be the one back home with more than one soldier to write about. I don't write about the other soldiers I worry about, but there are a couple, and I know they're in more dangerous places than my Nerdstar is.

I also want to say how much I appreciate all of you readers who have supported Nerdstar and I thru this year so far. It really does help!

Direct Correlation

There's a very, very direct correlation to my mood and how much I've been about to communicate with Nerdstar. On those rare occasions she gets to call, those are my best days. In times where we get to IM for at least thirty minutes just about every day, I do really well. When we're down to an email every 24 hours I kinda hang in there, but get grumpy. On those other rare occasions where I don't hear from her at all for 48 hours (or even more rarely longer) I get all kinds of freaked out.

I know she and I have been extremely lucky in how much we've been able to communicate while she's been in Iraq. On the message boards on StykerNews I read that some families don't hear from their loved ones for weeks at a time. (Yes, it brings tears to my eyes when I read it.) But, when you've been spoiled it's hard to adjust to anything else.

Long summer days do nothing to make the time feel like it's going any faster. We're not close enough to winding this up to feel hopeful. This is the slogging it out part. It won't start to feel closer to over until about the end of August. I mean, how long ago does last Thanksgiving seem? And how far away does the coming Thanksgiving seem? Exactly.

And I find that the closer it gets to time for them to start coming home the more worried I get. Unfortunately, I think that's going to continue. It's the whole, it would suck so much to make it this long and have something happen to her now, thing. I'm sure most families of soldiers go thru it.

I'm sure she's feeling the same things, too.

Wet Blanket

I've told myself many times today I should be feeling relief and not this total sadness that has set in. I cried a lot this afternoon, and even now am more on the verge of tears than usual. Nerdstar's close call has put a wet blanket on everything.

I did get out of the house this evening and went to see Shrek 2 with some new friends (a couple of the poker players from the other night) and then we went out for margaritas. It was nice to almost be distracted. But really, all I can think is that it could have so easily have been a phone call from the army instead of that email this morning.

It's partly the time delay that makes it hard. See, it's not like if she's killed or injured I'll be notified immediately. It could take a while. It's that while that worries me. I could be at the movies, like tonight, trying not to worry, trying to have a good time, and then I could find out tomorrow that while I was trying to have a good time, she was killed. I don't know if I'm explaining that well. But it translates into nothing ever being really fun and "carefree."

I guess that's the crux of having a soldier off at war.

I'm certain parents know the feeling, especially once the kids get their driver's license. Waiting up, lying in bed waiting to hear the car pull in the driveway, your kid come thru the front door safe and sound. Except the feeling is 24/7 for at least a year.

Memorial Day Weekend

This post is a little more off the cuff that I'd like, but oh well.

The point of this weekend is to remember all those people in our country's history who fought and died to help make this country and the world the place it is.

This is when I wish I were a history buff. But if there was any other country in the history of the world that fought so many wars and lost so many soldiers NOT to gain territory or power, but to advance freedom and democracy I don't know what country it is. And it's not because we didn't have the military power to do so.

I generally think the views of the anti-war crowd are all out of whack. We could be imperialists, and we're just not.

Anyway. That's a tangent I didn't plan on writing about.

What I want to write about is missing my Nerdstar. And how weird it is that her current military service doesn't make me feel any more sentimental about Memorial Day or anything else military related. It's this weird disconnect in my life. Maybe it's not living on base or in any other way associating with other military people (other than a couple of military wives I stay in touch with thru emails and blogging - Hi Dawn and Sarah!) I think part of it is also that Nerdstar isn't a gung-ho military type. I'm not sure she thinks about "the bigger picture" much. She's more concerned with just getting thru every day and getting home. Maybe it is partly the whole gay thing and how the military generally views it.

What I most want to say is how proud of Nerdstar I am. I could not do what she's doing. I'd be sent home as a mental case.

Her email address is there on the left - drop her a line and say hi.

Nerdstar Update

Fortunately we were in an IM when I got this email...

I went on a convoy with my commander and 1st. sgt., to check out a bunch of schools made of mud! They wanted to make sure that the locations of the schools were correct so when they make the proposal to give out $ and supplies, they'll know where exactly these schools are. I took some pictures, and these villages are the most primitive looking places that I've ever seen!

We might have to move to Baghdad in a few weeks, it seems like General Sanchez has a hair up his ass... he wants to reposition the troops. There is no official order yet, but everyone is saying that it's coming, and it'll hit us like a bat out of hell. There will be no trailers, so we'll be going back to the tent, and we'll be back to eating army foods, cooked by army cooks, there is currently no brown and root support where we might be going... (a bit south of Baghdad)

If that's true, then it's going to suck so bad. Our commander has already told us to start packing up... I will let you know if/when it becomes official.

I need to do laundry too, my clothes are so dusty, and I was dirty too from the convoy, the shower water turned brown when I was taking one!

Then this is part of our IM:

bethlyn327: ugh... just read your email
bethlyn327: that really sucks
cinchsack: yeah, now, after your convoy, I've got more really dirty clothes
cinchsack: yeah, isn't it?
bethlyn327: hopefully it's just a nasty rumor
bethlyn327: would they move the whole stryker brigade?
cinchsack: for a nasty rumor, it seems like everyone has already accepted that as facty
cinchsack: they said that the "warning order" was supposed to come down tonight
cinchsack: or earlier this afternnoon
cinchsack: yes, it'll suck big time
bethlyn327: just seems unnecessarily dangerous to go moving so many troops around
cinchsack: yeah, some feather up someone's ass
bethlyn327: how far south of baghdad?
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: one of those dangerous places
cinchsack: but at a place with no "facilities".
cinchsack: so it'll be back to the basics
bethlyn327: no email or anything huh?
bethlyn327: i'll go crazy
cinchsack: I dunno
bethlyn327: you'll have to start writing snail mail all the time!
cinchsack: yeah
cinchsack: I'll be like human jerky in all that heat and no ac!
bethlyn327: oh man, that will suck!
bethlyn327: i mean, in some ways i know it seems more fair, but...
cinchsack: but?
bethlyn327: but i don't care about fair! i care about you being safe and comfy!
cinchsack: I don't know how we can get out of it
cinchsack: I don't want to go to a place that's more dangerous and a lot less comfy
bethlyn327: i know

I know there are some people who would object to me putting out such a rumor about troop movement, honestly, I don't care. My goal with these post about Nerdstar and I during this deployment are simply to show how this affects two people and their families.

UPDATE: I've seen the news stories about Sanchez being replaced. I haven't caught Nerdstar online since to ask her if that will make any difference.

Nice

I'll just assume I'm included in this - HA!

365

Nice little number. 365 = 1. Except this 1 feels more like 7 - you know, dog years.

There really aren't any words or plays on words or phrases or expressions that could get across just how long this past year has felt. I re-read the entries from this time last year and I might as well be reading childhood diaries it all seems so long ago.

When I dropped Nerdstar off at the meeting place in the middle of the night we were both trying to be optimistic that she'd be sent home in three months instead of sent to Iraq. At that time three months apart, even while in the same country and able to talk on the phone nightly, seemed like way too long. Then three months dragged on to six - great military inefficiency. She was still rather optimistic that she'd be sent home instead of Iraq - for several good reasons. But we all know that didn't happen.

So now we're 2/3 of the way what looks like will be a year and a half apart.

And you know what. It just sucks. Yeah sure, you can talk about growing experiences, and all that shit. Mostly it just feels like a big year and a half void in our lives.

No words of wisdom here. No the cause is worth it. I just want my Nerdstar home.

Numbers

The nice little counter over there reads 349 days. 157 of those she's been in Iraq. 45 days ago we said goodbye, again, at an airport and I walked away crying and breathless.

I don't even know how to describe or explain the constant sadness, missing, worry, frustration and general blahness that has made up 99% of every single one of those 349 days.

We think, if we're lucky, we've got around 200 more days to go. 550 days without my Nerdstar. Even just counting to 550 takes longer than I'd like to be apart from her. 550 hours is longer than some couples spend apart during their entire relationship.

Double Damn

I'm so frustrated with our government I could spit nails. There's Michael Powell and the FCC instituting a nanny state in all areas of broadcasting. (Read the past few months of Jeff Jarvis if you're unaware of this.) Then there's Ashcroft thinking it's a good time to spend effort and energy and money on clamping down on porn. (Maybe if he got those clamps off his balls he'd lighten up some.) Throw in all this political bullshit 9.11 grandstanding just for good measure.

But what has me totally pissed is that the DoD can't seem to get it's shit together regarding how many troops need to be where when. My friend who's husband has already been in Iraq for a year in Baghdad just got word that instead of coming home in the next few weeks they'll be extending their time in Iraq for 120 days. Not only that, but they'll also be moving out from their camp to where there's no electricty and no communication home.

Tim got the same word about his wife Patti.

Not only that, but troops who had just come home two weeks ago thinking they were done with Iraq are being sent back in a week. That's highly unusual. Normally troops get at least six months before being redeployed to a hot zone. (Notice the word normally, this is what I've been told, which means it's probably not always true.)

I wrote a long time ago that if you're one big responsibility is logistics, why the hell can't the DoD do a better job of it. And if it's because they didn't see this little uprising happening then they should get their head out of their ass.

No, this doesn't affect Nerdstar at this point in time. November is too far away to have any idea what will be going on by then. As I've also written, this summer will be the real test of things. But it still has me totally pissed.

MORE:
I am in absolutely no way disparaging the troops over there or the hard work they are doing and the risk they are taking. I'm pissed at the bigger picture. I'd feel a lot better if our commander in chief were publicly speaking about the current situation and what is being done and is going to be done, or hell, if even Rumsfeld were giving us better information. I'd feel a lot better if there were any indication there will be any semblance of an Iraqi government to hand things over to. I'd feel a lot better if there were more Iraqis fighting alongside our troops.

STILL THINKING:
I'm sure it's a very basic fear that fuels a lot of this anger. I can't tell you how deep the fear of something happening to Nerdstar runs in me. It's making me an odd sort of superstituous. I keep thinking that if we're having any sort of good fortune now, as in being able to communicate regularly, then we'll pay a high price for it later.

But my fear isn't just for my Nerdstar, it's for any soldier I know over there or who's blog I read, or loved ones I know. I can't imagine anything worse than if one of the soldiers who's time is extended is killed over there when their loved ones feel they should have been home already instead.

Another post by Tim where he writes on why the word "soon" has no meaning when "never" is a possibility. I know exactly what he means!

Good and Bad

Days like today are really, really hard on this military wife. It started off nice enough, I got to IM with Nerdstar again last night for over an hour. That means I got to sleep around 3 a.m. only to be woken up at 6:30 a.m. by more lightening that I've seen associated with a single storm in my entire life. Poor pets were all freaked out. Got back to sleep about 8 a.m. and woke up to the phone ringing around noon.

It was my Nerdstar! She borrowed a phone from some contractor so she had to call about three times before we got a decent line. It was about 9 p.m. in Mosul and she was worried about her roommate. Nerdstar had heard the convoy she was on had come under fire and they weren't back yet. It was kinda funny, you know in that ironic sort of way, Nerdstar said it was hard to wait because it wasn't like she could just pick up a phone and call her roommate and see how things were going. I just laughed. She got it.

Now it's almost 7:30 p.m. here in Austin and all over the news is all the fighting going on over in Iraq. I asked Nerdstar last night if things in Mosul were pretty quiet, she said "yes, mostly." I'm hoping that remains true.

It's five hours until our normal IM rendevous time and it's just hard not to be a nervous wreck, to not imagine the worst. I worry that even writing this will jinx things. I know how very lucky she and I have been to be able to communicate as much as we have. She was joking about how she's going to be a hippy when she's done with the military.

My heart goes out so much to the families of all the soldiers killed and injured this week. My friend's husband is supposed to be coming home in May and now the defense department is talking about how that could be delayed. I'd be pulling my hair out.

It's so very tempting from where I sit to say, ok, fuck it, let the Iraqis take care of themselves. Hell, we'll leave our tanks and weapons and ammo for them, but we're out of there.

Like I wrote in the movie post, all I can say is "Earn this."

update: local news reports there were 30,000 lightening stricks this morning.

Back to Lonely

Damn this sucks. I'm home from taking Nerdstar to the airport and running a couple of errands. I've never been so sad walking out of an airport. Now it's back to an empty house and an empty bed.

The two weeks were really great, fortunately time didn't feel like it was flying by. I'm pretty sure she set a record for money spent on two weeks leave!! One of our last stops this morning was mailing out a 23 pound care package of all the things she couldn't stuff or cram into her duffle bag or backpack.

I started getting sad Friday when we got back to Austin, knowing the time was limited and the upcoming time apart is going to be so long. She's so sweet though. Last night at dinner there was a pause in the conversation and I looked at her and thought if anything happens to her over there, this is one of the last memories I'll have with her, and I started to tear up. So she started acting all goofy and making me laugh. She did the same thing as we were saying our goodbyes at the airport.

Today is more putzing around the house, cutting the grass in our tiny backyard, catching up on tv shows I've recorded over the weekend, taking out tons of trash. Thursday starts the SXSW madness. And the weather is just about perfect for a motorcycle ride or two in the next few days. Back to filling up time.

Like I've said before, two things would make this all so much more bearable. A absolute guarantee she'll come home safe and sound, and an absolute return by no later than date. But neither life nor the military work like that.

Reunited and it feels so good

I'd have to say this has been one of the best weeks ever. I think it's perfectly normal when a loved one is gone for so long, like happens with the military, this little worry creeps in that it's going to be hard to readjust to them being home, both for them and for you. Fortunately, we had no such problems. It was just like Nerdstar hadn't been gone at all.

Normally in a year long deployment, the two week leave happens closer to the six month point. For the brigade she's with, that just wasn't possible. So, once she gets back to Iraq she's still got about eight months left over there. But I think it's been good for her to be home at this time. We both have a much better feel for what the other is going thru while she's gone. And being apart and going thru this homecoming and having it go so well helps be more confident for the future.

We're up at my parents' house for a couple of days. Zachary is so happy to see her!

We're still not sure how next week will go. Her family is just being so amazingly difficult. And there's no easy answer. No matter what she does they won't be totally happy with her. It's tempting to say screw it and just go to Vegas, but that's just not really an option.

Bleh

This is when being a military wife sucks. I haven't heard from Nerdstar since that email I posted parts of yesterday, about 36 hours or so ago. I'm not even sure where she is. I don't know if she was going straight from Mosul to Kuwait or going thru Baghdad. She said she'd call once she got to Kuwait. But I've also read the line to use the phones in Kuwait can take up to four hours.

Traveling is one of the most dangerous things soldiers can do over there. And while I'm not terribly worried, it's not all sunshine and light in my head. I won't really stop worrying until she's in my line of sight. And right now I don't know when that will be.

It's odd, the closer she's getting to home, the more worried I get.

Not the same

I'm pretty much tuned out to the whole Valentine's Day stuff. I sent Nerdstar's gift box about three weeks ago and she got it a week early. Which is better than a week late! V Day is the first of four big days in Feb. March and April. Both of our birthdays are in March and then our anniversary is in April. Those are the three days I'll miss her the most! Because our birthdays are two days apart we try to do something really fun. Vegas for your birthday ain't bad! And this is our five year anniversary so it would have been nice to be together.

All I can say is that next year - watch out!

279

My Nerdstar has been gone from home 279 days, 87 of those she's been in Iraq.

I guess I try not to pay too much attention to every single day. Especially being unemployed and having to find ways to fill up all the time, it's all really bluring together. My wacked out sleeping schedule just makes it all worse. I swear 2:30 a.m. and 2:30 p.m. have become interchangeable in terms of what I'm doing at either one. Each can find me watching tv, surfing the internet or sleeping, it's all the same. I'm not saying this is a good thing, I'm just saying that's how it is for the time being.

I was going to go up to Dallas and spend a few days with my family, hang out with little Zachary this week, but my brother called and since the following Monday is our Mom's birthday, it's better if I wait a week. Now I'm at the start of another six days and nights to fill up.

A bright spot on the horizon is that Nerdstar's two weeks of leave during this year deployment are probably going to happen pretty soon. She has a very tentative travel date of Feb. 20th. Two weeks from now. It's a bit early in the year deployment, but I don't care. Of course, nothing is absolute with the military until she's actually on the plane!

The other night while lying in bed and missing my girl I decided that telepathy would be a great thing. Ok, not uncontrolled mass telepathy, but the kind where I could send her little thoughts on how much I miss her and she could do the same would be very nice.

We actually got to IM for over an hour today while she was working the graveyard shift. That always helps!! I haven't posted any updates from her lately because fortunately, things for her are really quiet and boring over there. They can stay that way as far as I'm concerned.

Once again I'd like to say thanks to everyone who sends us will wishes and prays for her safe return and all. It means a lot to both of us!!

Nerdstar and pets

I got to hear my Nerdstar's voice today. You can't imagine how nice that is! They're starting to work out the schedule for their two weeks leave. I might get to see her in the next four to six weeks :-) It's a little early in the deployment, but I don't care. I'll take her any time I can get her!

She's so cute. Her one request today is that I send a big box of dog treats! There are some stray dogs around their camp and she wants to take care of them even a little bit! If it wouldn't cost a small fortune I'd send a big bag of dog food.

I told her that in order to sleep without being jumped on, I've had to close the bedroom door and keep Little Man out. So what does Little Man do? He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. I keep finding him like that when I have to go pee in the early morning. He used to do this in our old apartment, but hasn't in a long time. But the past three nights I've closed him out he's done it. Freak!

Bleh

I miss my girl. A lot.

Long Road

A whole new year stretches out like an endless Texas highway. Nerdstar's return home looming somewhere on the distant horizon. Other than that I have no idea what the road ahead holds.

I think it would help tremendously if I knew an exact date she’d be home. I could mark off the days on a calendar with authority. I hate uncertainty, indefinite waiting. But that’s just not possible. There are too many unknows when it comes to army life and what the hell they will decide. They could extend her current orders for a full year in Iraq putting her stateside mid November, send her home in May when her current orders end, or anything in between. You factor in things like the upcoming election politics, if Iraq can govern itself any time soon, whether or not there are more major terrorist attacks, you know, minor stuff like that, and it makes it all that much more unpredictable.

Yet, I have to agree with Dawn, it does seem to help just a little that we're at least in the year she'll be home. That slight curve in the road has been rounded.

Gay Soldiers

MTV aired a 30 minute special tonight on Danny and Paul, the gay guy on Real World New Orleans and his Army boyfriend.

I've never thought much about don't ask/don't tell. I've always been aware there are lots of gays and lesbians in the military, so what? One of my closest friends from high school was a gay guy who spent four years in the Navy. He wasn't exactly "not telling" when he slept with married guys of higher rank.

But I also never expected to be a military wife in the ways that I currently am. Nerdstar was in the reserves when we met, quit for a while, then got orders to start up again (bizarre story for another time) and decided to pursue being a Chinese linguist. None of that was really being a soldier. I knew her background was in Army supply, and knew that they'd call her up to do supply again eventually if she didn't get out. Obviously we all know which way that worked out. Now she's in the hottest war zone this country has.

I'm not sure straight people understand how amazingly difficult not being out can be, especially when you're in a long-term committed relationship. Imagine hanging out with coworkers and not being able to talk about your spouse to the extent that you can't even say what you did last weekend, because that would include the movie you went to see together, or the romantic dinner you had. Imagine the endless talk of other "single" people about the opposite sex, and you're apparent disinterest. Subtle, but telling. Imagine having to erase all evidence of your relationship just to protect your job, your personal safety. If I had a magic wand I'd make the situation reversed for just one day.

So, yes, Nerdstar is out to those who are smart enough to pay attention. One of those people tried to make an issue of it, and her higher ups didn't really give a shit. Having a warm body to send to Iraq was more important than Nerdstar's sexual orientation.

I don't worry about outting her thru this site. She's not worried about it either. Her eight year military obligation ends in March, she's not going to do something stupid like hit on someone, so there's not much they can do to make her life worse than it is. It's more important to me to use this site to give anyone reading a small hint of what our lives our like. That we're just like everyone else, except for stupid political policies that make us inherently different.

With all this time on my hands, I've wished I were a better writer. Then I could be selling our story to all the gay magazines, the cute little lesbian soldier and her girl back home. When she came home we could be the movie of the week ha ha ha ha!

Informed or Not?

John Donovan left a comment the other day asking if I'm one of those military spouses who likes to stay informed, or would prefer to not follow all the details. For me, it really helps to be informed. Mostly, it helps me feel closer to her, the same reason I send her daily emails about the mundane details of my day.

It also helps take the naked fear out of it. From what I've read so far the Stryker Brigade and the 4th ID are well trained and doing good work. One of her biggest fears was that her immediate commanders were useless and wouldn't keep her safe. I'm a little more optimistic now that she's working with the larger units. Of course, I'd rather she stayed behind and did very safe supply stuff and never once had to ride in the stryker vehices. But I'm also increasingly proud of her for what she's going thru!

So, here are two more news stories about the soldier's Nerdstar's working with.

One Down

My poor Nerdstar has been overseas for a month now. One down, probably eleven more to go. We knew she wouldn't be able to call or email much once they got to the new camp. Apparently, that's more true than I would like. I hadn't heard from her at all for a week. This morning I just got a short email saying she's safe and adjusting. It sucks unbelievably to not be able to talk to her, to hear her voice and get a better idea of how she's doing, to not share to even a small extent the shit she's going thru.

This is when I wish I had much better writing skills. That I could come even close to accurately describing how hard this is. How long the days and nights are. How the levels of worry and fear and dread fluxuate but never go away. To only be able to imagine how hard all of this is for her, and to be so far away and unable to help her get thru it at all. Yes, I email her every day, and send letters and stuff, but it seems so feeble. She's far from home, with nothing familiar around, worried about her grandparents, about me, the pets, her safety. I might be lonely, but I have our home, pets, family. I'm sure she worries about life moving on without her. It takes an extraordinary amount of trust to get thru a year like this.

I got one of her pay stubs in the mail today - extra pay for "hostile fire." Yeah, that makes me feel better. I'll say it again and again, this just sucks.

This sucks

It's already starting. Nerdstar's finally moving into Iraq, as posted about previously. I'm sitting here this evening catching up on some blog reading and I've got cable news on in the background. I hear some short blurb about two soldiers in the Stryker Brigade being killed on a bridge during a convoy. UGH. I don't know any of the details. I haven't found the story online yet. I'm not panicked or anything, but I wonder how long it takes from the time of the death until the Red Cross shows up at the door. You know, thoughts like that.

This latest update by the embeded reporter of mishaps does nothing to make me feel better either. Neither does playing the numbers game - there are X number of soldiers in Iraq total, Y of them in the same brigade as Nerdstar and Z% of them will be killed and U% of them hurt. I think there are about 4000 in her brigade - so every time I hear someone is killed or hurt without knowing who it is - there's a 1/4000 chance it's her.

No, I'm not driving myself crazy with worry 24/7. I'm not obsessively watching or listening to the news or anything. But this is really, really hard.

Speaking Of...

Speaking of Nerdstar. I finally got a phone call from her today. The last one was 9 days ago. It helps so much to hear her voice, to hear about what her days and nights are like, to hear what's on her mind. She's sounding a little better, more resigned to the situation, a little less angry.

What a year this is going to be for both of us individually. I mean, I can only imagine to a small degree what she's going thru. Even if it turns out to be a totally harmless, safe, boring even, year for her, it's still life changing. And my goal is certainly to change my life. And to do all this with limited communication makes it harder.

I guess this is the nitty gritty of commitment. This is where those invisible bonds hold everything together.

Communication

I got another 6:15 a.m. call from Nerdstar. I'll take them whenever I can get them! They're at camp Udairi for about three weeks, then I think they start their convoy into Iraq. That's when I'll really have a hard time not worrying myself silly.

I keep thinking about all the movies I've watched about WWII and how long those soldiers were gone, and how long they had to wait for letters to get back and forth, and the real sacrifices the people back home had to make. I know how lucky I am to be going thru this with the help of email and satellite phones and the internet, and biased as they may be, even the news coverage.

It helps tremendously to read the blogs of soldiers who've been to Iraq and back or who are still there. I think it's helped Nerdstar too, to know what to expect. It really is amazing to me, the power of this new form of communication. I think if she'd been in that first wave of soldiers sent over this would be much, much harder. Even her being at Ft. Lewis for so long helped soften the blow of her being in an actual war zone. I'm not having to adjust to her being gone AND worrying about her safety. I miss her terribly and am ready for her to be home, but I'm pretty adjusted to being alone for now.

And thanks again to all of you who have left comments!!

Same but different

I'm pretty exhausted. Nerdstar called about midnight last night and we got to talk for quite a while, then she called again about 6:30 this morning before they were to get ready to get on the plane. I'm sure once I get home today and try to relax I'll be pretty sad. A year seems like a damn long time from this side of it. What's hard is not knowing when I'll hear from her again.

It's also weird suddenly feeling like I belong to a special group of people, military spouses, and yet not really feel a part of it. I don't want to feel different. I don't see my life as any different than anyone elses. Being gay should just be a nonissue. I did a Google search for websites or support groups for other gay military spouses. There's nothing out there. How sad is that? And I have a feeling it's because of fear. Because of this don't ask/don't tell bullshit. Because, obviously the Army doesn't care if you're gay if they think they need you. By the end of last week, because of some totally inappropriate behavior by someone in her unit, her whole unit knew the rumor of her being gay. Even with paperwork pending to come home to help with her grandmother, they didn't care and weren't about to discharge her. I'm sure it's much more scary for career military people. Nerdstar's military obligation ends with this tour. If they want to make a big deal of her being gay and send her home early - great.

I'm not the motivated activist type. I've thought a little bit about starting a website for others in the same situation I am. I probably won't though.

My immediate goal is to stay awake thru my workday, then go home and crash hard.

Pen Pals

I realized last night my parents are probably a lot more sympathetic to my situation that I’d clued in to.

My Mom had a friend at a different high school who knew my Dad. This friend knew my Dad had joined the Army and told my Mom she should be his pen pal. So, my parents were pen pals the entire four years my Dad was in the Army. My Dad actually wrote a letter every day. I’m not sure if they still have those letters, I’ve never seen them. Once he got back to the States, they met, and not too long after that were married. Ten months later they had me :-)

It’s a little different than Nerdstar and I in that they hadn’t met before being pen pals, but it’s still kinda cool.

Like I wrote the other day. My Dad is a very quiet man. While he’s always been a constant presence in my life, we’ve never really talked much. What’s weird is that I’m a lot like him in a lot of ways, the way we think, our sense of humor, stuff like that. But Nerdstar is a lot like him in the other ways, hard of hearing, slow to get going, bad driver.

Anyway. I guess it helps just knowing they can understand what I’m going thru, even if we don’t talk about it much.

Bad News

Well, it’s official, Nerdstar gets on a plane around 5 a.m. Pacific Time Friday morning. I'll get to talk to her tonight, and hopefully once more tomorrow, then it'll be a while before we talk again. It’ll take them about three days to get to Kuwait. She’s not sure exactly how long they’ll be in Kuwait unloading all their equipment that’s being shipped over, or where she’ll be after that. She’s going to be with the command unit, maybe even be their hummer driver.

The other day I was wondering what we’d done last New Year’s Eve, and I looked thru my archives and was reminded that we spent last New Year’s apart as well because of a fucked up job situation on her part.

I feel like I’m right on the edge of just completely falling apart. Oh, sure I can make it thru the days ok. But I dread crawling into bed because I know I’ll come undone once I do. There are so many emotions, big, strong emotions. Fear, anger, dread, sadness. They fight for who gets felt the most.

I’m so angry at Nerdstar for putting us in this position. But I can’t be mad at her, because I know she’s feeling just as badly as I am. I keep reminding myself this has to be so much harder for her, and I really have to/want to make this as easy on her as I can. And, I’m angry at life for always fucking with me.

I’m so deeply sad at the thought of her being away from home for another year. I don’t want to go thru the next year without her, the holidays, our birthdays, our anniversary.
I don’t want to be alone. I was alone for a long time, finally found someone I really enjoy living with, sharing my life with, and now she’s not here with me.

And I’m scared to death of so many things. There’s some small part of me that is totally convinced that once she gets on that plane for Iraq I’ll never see her again, that she’ll be killed over there. I’m scared that our relationship won’t survive this year apart. That one of us will change too much.

I’ve been physically ill the past two weeks over all of this. I’m not sure the next two weeks will be any easier. I have a lot of decisions to make. When I want to quit my job. How to fill the time when I do quit. What I want to do for New Year’s. Basically, how to get thru the next year without going crazy.

I know there are hundreds of thousands of family members of military people going thru this. That just isn't very comforting. Especially since there's not really a support group I can sign up for.

Sigh. Keep on keeping on, that's about the only choice huh?

Veterans Day

My dad and all of his brothers did their time in the Army. Two of my uncles went to Vietnam under the buddy program, and my other uncle went as well. Thankfully, they all came home. My dad volunteered at the right time and was stationed in Germany driving tanks instead of in Vietnam.

My father never really talked about his military service, he's a very quiet man. I’ve learned more about it in the past few years when Nerdstar has talked with him and my uncle about it than I ever did growing up. So, I didn’t know until after college that my dad had hoped I’d do the military thing.

I always knew the military wasn’t for me. If getting up ass early every morning wasn’t reason enough not to join, taking orders was. There have been times the stability of military life looked like a nice option. But that stability always seemed too restricting, to have too high a price.

I certainly never, ever thought I’d end up a military wife. I’ve never been attracted to military types, men or women.

When I met Nerdstar, she had done two and a half years of active duty and was in the reserves in the National Guard, but she seemed even less the military type than me.

When 9/11 hit she was in the Army reserves, trying like hell to get her security clearance so she could be a Chinese linguist. I kept telling her she should get out before they called her to active duty. She honestly never thought they would. She was in an obscure little linguist unit. Her active duty job had been in supply, though, and I knew that would come back to bite her in the ass.

Almost a year went by and no word on her being deployed. Then, sure enough, they called her up to do supply for a unit of Arab linguist. She’s been gone almost seven months, and if she’s sent to Iraq this week, she’ll be gone another year.

It’s hard being an unacknowledged military wife. While Nerdstar hasn’t been in danger, or in Iraq yet, it’s still really hard to get thru this time apart. People who support the military don’t usually support gays, or even gays in the military. I can’t begin to imagine the impact legalizing gay marriage would have on the military. It would force a change in don’t ask/don’t tell.

On this Veterans Day, I’d like to salute all the gay and lesbian soldiers out there, who serve their country in spite of possible personal persecution. And I’d like to extend a toast to all the other partners of gay and lesbian soldiers who go unacknowledged and unthanked because they’re forced to remain invisible.

Pissy

Nerdstar and I joke around all the time about how much God hates us... but some days sure make it feel real.

It's been bad enough going thru six months of being unsettled emotionally, STILL not knowing if Nerdstar is going to Iraq, being unsettled mentally and not being able to make plans for the future. And now, as things are getting really stressful, my living space has become completely fucked.

The property manager came by this morning and just decided to have all new carpet installed. That sounds like a good thing, and I'm sure when it's all said and done I'll be happy with that. We've lived here a year and are about to sign up for another year. But she couldn't even tell me exactly when this will take place. So there's lots of stuff out of place. And while I'm certainly in no mood to pack up all my books and cds and dvds and such to help the guys who are going to have to come in and install carpet in an occupied duplex, I'm not sure I trust them not to fuck with my stuff. I find in my old age I get more and more icked out by people messing with me stuff.

I briefly considered just moving out. But I don't really want to go thru the hassle of finding a new place, changing all the utilities and all that stuff. The hassle of new carpet isn't as big as the hassle of moving.

It's amazing how little comfort the line "well, it could have been worse" really is.

All this on top of Nerdstar flying out again today to head back up to Tacoma where I'm fairly convinced we're just going to be told she's shipping out the 13th. She's convinced she's not.

So I'm just pissy today. And having these big fans blowing is driving me nuts from the noise and irritating as hell to my sinuses and throat with all the crap they must be blowing up.

Home

Yes, Nerdstar and I made it back to Austin, and she went and picked up Ramen from the kennel this morning. The cats were happy to see us. Little Man kept waking us up every hour or so meowing at us loudly all night. It's stupidly warm here this week - in the 80s. UGH! The high in Tacoma yesterday was in the low 40s, which we both prefer. Oh well, looks like we can ride the motorcycle to lunch!

It was really good to get away for a week. Spending time with Nerdstar helped me to set everything aside for a few days and not worry so much. I'm an amazing proficient worrier. But, another week has gone by, the ship out date is still getting closer, and suprise, surprise, we still have absolutely NO idea what's going to happen. Last word she got on Friday was that the paperwork has just been going back and forth between the new and the old units trying to decide who's going to decide. Stupid.

So, we're off to our favorite restaurants and maybe the movies and getting in as much snuggling as we can.

Optimistic

Being around a military base this week certainly brings the Iraq War closer to home for me, to meet people who will be over there soon. So hearing about the hotel in Baghdad and then the horrible events with the International Red Cross makes me so sad and frustrated.

I truly hope that the Iraqis are getting enough of a taste of freedom that they'll find it worth fighting for. And the reports I read on soldiers' websites and Iraqi websites seem to indicate that to a large degree they do. Because if the Iraqi's don't see the absolute necessity of fighting the terrorists in their county, if they don't see the absolute threat those terrorists are to that budding freedom, well, then there's not much hope then is there?

For now I'm still cautiously optimistic.

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Oh, and I think I could get used to having a laptop and blogging from bed. Although, hmmm... that could be a whole different kind of blog. Maybe that kind of blog would pay the bills.

Made it

I made it to Tacoma. I'm not sure flying is something us humans are really supposed to be doing. It's kinda disconcerting to be 2400 miles from home in a few hours. We're all checked in and watching baseball. I'm going to try very hard to relax and not be a stressed out freak this week, but I'm not sure I can until I know for 100% certain that Nerdstar is not going to Iraq - and not only do we not know that, we still don't know when we will know. UGH!

See, relaxing can be hard for me.

It's beautiful and sunshiney here today - just like it has been every other day I've been in the Seattle area. I'm starting to think this rainy thing is just a nasty rumor!

Go Marlins!!

Ready To Go

This time tomorrow I'll be on my way to Tacoma to spend the week with Nerdstar. I think I'll be more excited about that once this very slow work day is over. Everything is arranged, the dog has reservations at the Canine Hilton, the neighbor is going to feed the fish and check on the cats.

I bought two books for the plane rides, I'll write about them later. For now suffice it to say that Neil Gaiman has cost me a lot of money this year. Now that I've read everything he's written, I'm branching out to women authors he's worked with or recommended.

I probably need to do a load of laundry tonight, and then pack.

We have plans to check into the hotel, order some pizza and get naked and snuggle while watching Game 6. Personally, I think that's the only way to watch sports and have been sorely deprived with Nerdstar being gone for six months

Other than that the week will be kinda weird for me because she's still doing Army stuff all the time and I'll be spending more time on an Army base and in the barracks. Her roommate was reassigned back to Austin because she's pregnant, so Nerdstar has her room to herself. But I'm still not sure I want to sleep in the barracks if it's possible for her to stay at the hotel with me. We'll figure out all the logistics after I get there.

Anatomy of a Decision

I’ve written before about how hard I find it to make decisions sometimes. (oh no, not this stuff again.) But that doesn’t stop my brain from making contingency plans for my contingency plans.

I’m still very tempted to quit my job this Friday and take off on the road Sunday or Monday. After a day and a half, I still haven’t been given a decision on the request I made for two weeks off. That’s kinda odd in our office. I wonder if they are worried I’ll quit if they tell me I can’t take the time off (they’re right, I will). There’s an important two day training during those two weeks that I have a feeling they don’t want to give me time off during. But really, I don’t know what’s up.

There is still the chance, though, that they'll approve the two weeks off, I won't have to quit, and I'll take about eight or nine days and fly up to Tacoma.

There are still too many loose ends/unknowns to make a decision tonight, but here’s where it’s at.

Either Nerdstar comes home in the next few weeks, or on November 8 she’s headed to Iraq. I don’t think it’ll take the powers that be past November 8 to make a decision.

If Nerdstar comes home, she’ll either be looking for a new job, or we’ll be moving so she can go back to school. It would really suck for us both to be looking for a job at the same time. So we’d need all of the money we currently have saved to get thru that.

If Nerdstar goes to Iraq, her salary would cover the bills for as long as it took for me to find a new job. And I don’t think we’d have to use any of our savings. So, it wouldn’t really matter in the long run if I were unemployed for a while. I don’t think it would be realistic to hope to find a job in Dec/Jan. I’m sure there would be some temp stuff if I wanted to go that route, but I figure a lot of companies will start to put off new hiring until after the first of the year. (Business guys - is that a bad assumption?)

Like I said in an earlier post. I don’t want to fuck up the future. So I’m trying to really figure out if quitting my job will do that.

There’s also the road trip itself. I’ve really been wanting to take one for a while. But I’m also aware it could be kinda depressing to do that much time on the road alone (well, with Ramen). It’d take me three days to get to Tacoma. But I’d take my time getting back to Austin. Again, either Nerdstar will be on her way to Iraq and it won’t really matter where I am. Or best case scenario is she’d be taking the trip back with me (that's a whole different idea that I'm not letting my brain dwell on).

The clock is ticking. I just have no idea what the next few days will bring.

Oh, and as for what Nerdstar thinks about all of it. Beats me. We've talked about it some. I'm sure she'd tell me to take the next flight out if she could, but she's not the best at making plans.

Stress

I'm not used to stress. It's not something I usually feel. There haven't been enough things I've cared that much about that I would stress out over them. I guess that's why I'm not dealing with it very well now that it's hitting full force. But I'm sitting at my desk feeling like crying and/or throwing up all morning.

To make matters worse, I keep being a complete ass to Nerdstar. And when it's less than three weeks until she might be headed to a part of the world where there's a higher chance of injury or death - it's just not good.

I just put in a request to be off for a couple of weeks around Nov. 8th in case I need to go up to Tacoma. I'm not sure they're going to approve it, but I have a feeling if they don't I'll just quit. Push comes to shove - I either take the time and come back to work, or I take the time and don't come back to work. Right now I don't care which.

I'm almost to the point where I don't what the answer is - is she going to Iraq or not - I just need to know what to plan for. The uncertainty is driving me insane.

If we're lucky Nov. 8 will come and go and I'll look back on this time and feel stupid. But we haven't had much good luck in the past four and a half years.

Ugh

It's a beautiful weekend outside, but not so much inside my head. Friday night I was supposed to go hear Ginger and Sarah with a friend who's in town on a job project for a while. She ended up making plans with her family instead. I found this out for sure when I got off of work Friday. At first I thought I'd go hear them play anyway. But I just didn't feel like going to do something alone again. It's getting really old. And that kicked off a blah weekend. I've stayed up past two the last two nights, been mean to Nerdstar and frustrated with her.

November 8th is D day for Nerdstar. That's the day her unit is scheduled to leave for Iraq. That's about three weeks away. But because she's got paperwork in progress to be reassigned back to Austin because of her grandmother's health - it's all still up in the air. That means I can't get mentally or emotionally ready. She's saying it's about a 50/50 chance she's coming home, but is acting more like it's a done deal. Me, I figure it's about a ten percent chance and am going nuts. I just don't know that I can handle her being gone for a year longer. Seriously.

And because we don't know for certain that she's going, I can't really make plans to go up and see her before she leaves yet. My worst nightmare is that she'll find out Nov. 6th she has to go and then ship out two days later. I have a feeling that if she doesn't know by the end of this coming week I'll just make plans to go up there for a week or so anyway. I'm sure my boss will love that.

It's all just really getting to me. And there's just not a whole hell of a lot I can do about any of it.

Thanks

First, thanks Beth and Michele for the encouragement! Mostly I try to wait out this really sucky time of Nerdstar being gone and being in a job I don't like. Neither is permanent. But sometimes I fear I'm numb enough without the drugs. My strongest emotion usually seems to be anger - well, that and a lingering deep sadness that makes me able to cry at the drop of a hat over anything slightly sad (you know, like sappy commercials and almost every movie!). It's so weird on days like today to go thru the workday, thru the motions, and no one really sees the darkness. Sometimes I know that dark cloud is visible to at least a couple of coworkers. Poor Nerdstar never really knows how to help. But just having her around has really evened me out. There are days it's just easier to give in than to muster up the energy it takes to brighten things up, especially living alone. Thank God for pets, books, movies, dvds and blogs!!

Friday Night Perspective

When I scheduled having the day off from work, I wasn't sure what I'd be doing today. Nerdstar flew into Houston tonight, and I wasn't sure her uncle would be in town to pick her up at the airport. Fortunately, he was. I wasn't crazy about driving to Houston on a Friday evening and dealing with traffic and the airport. I opted for giving her some time with the family tonight before I drive down early tomorrow morning.

I've also been contemplating substitute teaching again. They've had orientation the last couple of Fridays, and another one was today. I figured, what the heck, might as well check it out. I left a couple of hours into it. It's good to know I just don't want to go back into teaching, certainly not subbing - or "guest teaching" as they've changed it to, because semantics matter. Besides, I also realized that there are people who need that job much more than I do. My job isn't perfect, but it's not horrible either. Yes, I'm going to do what I can to get a better one, but I need to stop being a whiney ass at the one I have.

I'm very ready to see Nerdstar tomorrow. But I'm also meeting her sister for the first time. When Nerdstar and I were first living together, she was in an IM with her sister, and I got on and ended up totally pissing her off. (Of course, Nerdstar says we're just too much alike.) So in four years I've never met her. But I'm feeling pretty good about this weekend. Her sister just got married recently, her husband is Portugese. It'll kinda be the UN at the grandparents this weekend.

Mostly I'm going to be sad to come back to Austin Sunday night and leave Nerdstar in Houston with her family for a few more days. I'm very ready to have her home with me! (I keep telling her I mostly need her here to clean the house LOL) I keep trying to explain to Ramen that his life will be much better tomorrow morning - he gets to take a trip in the car, and see Nerdstar, and see the grandparents and the cousins. He won't be stuck with mean ole me!

Ya'll have a good weekend. I'll be back here late Sunday or early Monday.

Roller Coaster

I haven't updated much about Nerdstar's situation because the possibilities seem to change every day. I guess it was early last week the military made it known that in spite of reservists orders being for one year total - they changed it to being one year "in country" so that her year of duty doesn't actually start until she leaves for Iraq, no matter how many weeks/months they waste waiting around before being sent over. Ok, fine. But her unit still doesn't even have specific orders for going to Iraq. They were told they'd be going over with a stryker group in October - but then she found out the strykers aren't going until November. Then they heard their orders would be for November 15, now they're saying November 8. In the meantime, they decided to give everyone two weeks of leave - Sept. 27 to Oct. 11. Nice. That may have even been backed up to Sept. 24 - which would be even better. Her grandmother is doing a day of medical tests the 25th.

In the meantime, she's still doing everything she can to get reassigned back to Austin so at least she can go visit her grandparents and take care of them as much as possible. She doesn't want to just be completely discharged and throw away future opportunities as a Chinese linguist. But her chain of command is dragging it's feet in the worst possible ways in getting the paperwork together for her reassignment.

Every night when she calls there's a different outlook for the future. I'm increasingly tempted to tell her to say to hell with all of it and just come home! I'm sick to death of eating alone every night, of sleeping alone every night, and of just not having her around. I'm trying not to live like my life is on hold - but it's hard not to feel that way. I can't even begin to imagine if she's gone until next December instead of May. I'm an emotional basket case now.

Sadness

Nerdstar hasn't even been gone 24 hours and the sadness is settling back in. It took forever to get to sleep last night, then I had really long, movie like dreams early this morning.

These last four months have been hard, but I have a feeling it's all about to get harder. Within the next week or two she should find out when she goes to Iraq. I think she's still holding out hope there's going to be some way she doesn't have to go. I'm not so optimistic. I'm just hoping she's given enough time for me to be able to fly up there and spend at least a couple of days with her. Because once she leaves Ft. Lewis, God only knows when I'll see her again. (I try very, very hard to not think that I might not see her again.) I also try not to think about all the holidays and birthdays and our anniversary that she'll miss if she's over there for six months.

One day at a time is a sucky way to have to literally live.

Close

Close but not close enough. Nerdstar got into Houston about 6:30 this morning. She has taken a week of leave time to see her family. She hasn't seen them since she left the on first of May and might not see them again until next May if she's sent to Iraq. She's going to drive up to Austin Thursday to be home for a couple of days. We've got an appointment at the really cool hair salon I got my last haircut at. We've got another list of restaurants. And then there's the usual odds and ends to straighten up. Mostly there's lots of snuggling to catch up on.

Ms. Smash wrote an entry about having Lt. Smash come home. I can mostly relate to what she's saying. I've realized even more lately that I can't imagine how hard her being gone would be if we had real kids (as opposed to pets). It's hard enough keeping up with the pets that we have. Silly apparently has worms. Ramen is back to itching like crazy. Feeding, walking, take care of.

As I've mentioned, I lived alone for a long time before I met Nerdstar. I'm good at it. Going to restaurants, movies, bookstores, whatever, alone doesn't bother me too much. But I really, really don't like it.

So here's to all the military wives/husbands out there who suck it up and do the best they can while their spouse is out keeping the rest of us safe and helping others be just a little more free. It's harder than you think!!

And more Plans

Poor Nerdstar. Emotionally she and I are nothing alike. She's really good at living in the moment and not thinking too much and maintains a really nice calm. Me, not so much.

We had about an hour and a half phone call - partly because the first half was a lot of silence and frustration. Thankfully we got past that and into some specifics.

The most likely scenario for her is being in Tacoma until late September/mid October then maybe six months or more in Iraq and then back to Tacoma for maybe a month or so. We'll be lucky if her orders aren't extended after the year they're for now and she'll be home by next June.

Given that reality, we can work towards one of two goals - buying a house here in Austin or moving up to Tacoma. So, she's going to look into rent and jobs up there and see if me moving up there is feasible. And we're going to try to find a mortgage company to talk to and see if us getting a mortgage is even possible. I have really bad credit that won't go away for another couple of years, but I've had a steady job for almost three years. She has better credit and no work history. We figure our best chance of buying a house is here in Austin while she's on active duty, because we have no idea what kind of job she'll find when she's done. It's better to talk with a mortgage company now so that if there's not a chance in hell we'll get approved, then we might as well work on the moving.

I told her I just need either a good reason to show up at work everyday or the knowledge that it's only for x amount more of time.

Mostly I'm glad she's finally understand what's in my head and is more ready to figure out what she really wants instead of just rolling with the punches.

More on Plans

Eleven weeks ago today I took Nerdstar to the airport in the middle of the night. It just really seems longer than that. I don't mean to whine about all of this. I know that I'm very, very lucky to have her stateside, to be able to have her call twice a day, and to have seen her twice in those eleven weeks, and could see her more if we really wanted to. I have a friend who's husband is in Iraq and she gets a two or three hour call from him every seven to ten days. I don't know how she does it. I apparently suck at this long term life on hold stuff. My brain keeps looking for ways out, it sees this as a problem to solve and doesn't turn off until it finds a solution. But there isn't really a solution other than wait and see right now.

Persephone recommends a leave of absence from my job to take time to go see Nerdstar and to try subbing. I'd been thinking of this a lot today, so it was nice to see someone else had thought of it, too. Not for three months, but maybe for six weeks or so. It's definitely something Nerdstar and I will discuss tonight. But it comes down to a money issue. Our two biggest dreams for the past three (or four even) years is to move to a cooler climate and/or buy a house. The money we're saving while she's gone will allow us to do one if not both of those things (depending on just how long she's gone and if she goes overseas). So I'm trying to not jeopardize future goals for immediate happiness. It's not like my life is an unbearable hell, in fact, my job is more cushy than a lot I could have. I'm just not very good at being patient.

Pissy

It's hard to blog when I just don't give a flying fuck about what's going on in the world. I mean, who really gives a shit about the kobe circus?? No one should. I'm so tired of the media. And I'm even more tired of the dumbfucks who pay attention to it.

I'm still hating the feeling that my life is on hold until Nerdstar is finished with this active duty tour - and we still have no clue when it could end. Even though you would assume that worst case scenario is she'll be home next May since she only has orders for a year - well, it's the military, and I don't think even God knows what they're going to do from day to day.

For the record, I hate when my coworkers wear sandals that I can hear slapping against their feet when they walk. I can hear them coming miles away, it's annoying.

See, today feels so much like Monday to me that I'm in a pissed off Monday kind of mood.

Seattle

Howdy Folks. It's Saturday afternoon and I'm on post at Ft. Lewis. The weather up here in sunny Seattle was just that all day yesterday, SUNNY! I told the guy on the ferry that I brought it with me personally from Texas. Thankfully today is more overcast! I didn't come all this way for sunshine, I get plenty of that at home. Although, I'll take sunny with a high of 75 over sunny with a high of 101 any day of the year!!

It's nice spending time with Nerdstar. Friday was dinner and snuggling!! Yesterday we spent all day in downtown seattle. We took a harbor tour on a boat that was very nice. Seattle has a truly beautiful skyline. It was weird though, when I was taking a picture from the boat it reminded me of being in NYC and taking the ferry out to see the Statue of Liberty. I have a fantastic picture of the NYC skyline before 9/11. I had just had it enlarged to 11x14 about a month before 9/11. So when I was taking the picture here in Seattle, I couldn't help but hope I wasn't jinxing the skyline. Stupid I know. But that's how much 9/11 has effected my psyche.

Anyway. The point was it was a nice day of wandering around a beautiful city. The fireworks weren't "the best ever" but it was fun to watch them on the pier.

Today we just had lunch in the mess hall and are figuring out what next. Maybe a drive up to Mount Ranier. It's cloudy today, but I think it would still be a great drive. Plus, there's snow up there - you can't beat snow in July!

Be back on Monday!

Six weeks

Nerdstar's been gone six weeks today. It feels like six months. She's got another six weeks up in Tacoma, and then the smart money says she'll be headed to Iraq for at least six months. My brains still pretty much in denial about that possibility. My sleep is still a complete mess. Everything just seems flat and boring. At least we can talk on the phone every day - even if she has this odd habit of calling while she's in a restroom. (Don't ask - I can't explain.)

I'm still trying to make good use of this time - doing some self analysis, self improvement. I think I've made some progress in my relationship with God, but I'm waiting to see if it's a long term change. And even if it is, I have no idea what next. There are still some major trust issues between God and I. Really, about the only person I deeply trust is Nerdstar, and that's taken time and effort. I realized after this weekend that I don't even trust my family. I don't trust them not to hurt me if I really share my life with them. The sad part is that I was a very trusting person when I was younger. I'm trying to loose some of the jadedness and bitterness.

Tuesday

23 more days until I get to see my girl. So, if any of you are any good at making time go faster - feel free! We'd much appreciate it.

I just got my Angel Season 1 dvd, that'll help the time pass a little. I've never seen any of the episodes, so that will make it even more fun!

Poor Nerdstar, she's been up at Ft. Lewis for just over four weeks, and has had to move barracks three times, and will probably have to move again. It's unbelievable how badly ran the base is that they can't even do simple logistics of who sleeps where. I'm proud of our military in the big picture sense. But every time I get a behind the big picture, little picture look at the actual people and procedures, it's a damn miracle we win wars.

I hate when it's lunchtime and nothing sounds good - which happens four out of five work days.

Yes, I'm boring today, but I'm nice and mellow inside my head, which is nice. I'm not concerned at all with the state of the world. It all bores me. I'm just passing time until my girl is back home with me and we can make some plans for the future.

Sigh

I haven't written much about Nerdstar, but I miss her terribly. I still get to talk to her pretty much every day. What's funny is that although all of my life I've been a phone person, I've never really enjoyed talking to Nerdstar on the phone. Thankfully, we're getting better at talking on the phone!

Now that we've finally started June, I can start the countdown until I get to see her. 31 days! Sigh.

She got some icky news yesterday. Her little hodgepodge unit is being "attached" to a brigade. She had thought that all the linguists would be separated up and sent to different places and she'd get to come home. But if they all stay together and get sent over to Iraq, then she's more likely to have to go with them. She is still hopefull that that brigade won't need another supply person, and that her not being "job qualified" will get her sent home. But I'm not holding my breath.

She's only been gone almost 4 weeks of the 12 and it feels like four months.

The only good thing is the $$. We've already got $4,000 in the bank between us. I spend lots of time daydreaming about how to spend the money we save up. House? Dream Vacation? Car restoration? New Motorcycle? If she's gone a year instead of just three months we'll do all four!!

But mostly, I just hate sleeping without my snuggle bunny!!

Detached

In 41 minutes my weekend starts! This week has felt unbelievably long, but thankfully not stressful. I don't have any great plans for the weekend. I've got a few errands to run, take Ramen to the park, do some motorcycle riding, read a book or two. I picked up Cerulean Sins by Laurell K. Hamilton and Good Omens by Neil Gaiman the other day. Good Omens is in the tradition of Hitchhiker's Guide. It looked like a fun read. And L.K. Hamilton's work is a nice cross between Buffy and Anne Rice's vampire series. Except probably a little kinkier than both.

When I lived alone, I would sometimes find it exhilerating to be out and around town and know that nobody knew where I was. When I lived in Waco a friend and I would often spend the day wandering along a creek, seeing where it went. Every once in a while I'd take an afternoon and do this on my own. Naturally this was the time I was down in a deep creek bed and a piece of glass went thru my shoe into my foot. I knew to get out of the water so the bleeding had a better chance of stopping. And I didn't panic until I was trying to get back up the side of the creek and pulled a rock bigger than my head down on my head and then arm. I still have a two inch scar on my forearm. At that point I practically ran up the side of the creek bank. I walked about a mile to a little gas station and asked for a phone. Even though I was muddy and bloody they weren't exactly helpful.

Anyway. I found myself with that same feeling of being unfindable and detached last weekend. I'm not quite as naive and fearless as I used to be. But it's still a cool feeling. I guess it's also that idea that technically I don't have to be anywhere until 7:30 Monday morning, and I am free as a bird to do whatever I want until then. Not that that isn't true when Nerdstar is in town. It's just different being alone.

Sad

Today feels a little like the quiet after the storm. After the insanity of the past three days, I'm back at work and trying to stay busy enough not to think too much!

Last night Nerdstar's grandparents and aunt came for dinner and to take her car back to Houston. It wasn't as hellish as I expected. I know they worry about her and it helped them to see her off. We had thought I would take her to the airport this morning for a 6 am flight, but instead she had to meet up with the other people being deployed at 3:30 this morning. UGH.

It felt so weird driving back from dropping her off this morning. Even though I know for the next three months she'll be stateside and safe and we'll be able to call and all, it felt weird. So I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be to say goodbye to loved ones who are being sent overseas where it's so much more dangerous. It really does take amazing people to be in our military and to be their family members. The whole part of not knowing exactly when you'll see them again is the hardest.

There's also a disconnect watching the news of all the soldiers coming home - which is great, and knowing my girl's turn is just starting.

Update

Less than 24 hours from now she'll be gone. I woke up this morning all sad and wished that time would just stop and she wouldn't have to go. I'll feel that even more strongly when the alarm goes off in the morning and I have to take her to the airport for a 6 am flight. Thankfully when I go in to work tomorrow there will be plenty to keep me busy so I don't sit and wallow in sadness all day.

Yesterday, she was up at the base from 8 am to 9 pm. Paperwork. But her life is pretty much in order now. That's a good thing. I've got access to all her money - that's all that really matters :-) Actually, the one bright spot in her being deployed is that we'll save a lot of money while she's gone. Probably close to $1500 a month will go into the savings. If she's gone long enough, that might just be a downpayment on a house. We'll see.

Part of her crazy family is coming up for dinner tonight and taking her car back to Houston. I'm holding out a little hope she can talk them out of it, but if not, oh well. It would just be nice to have a car with air condititioning this summer.

It's always been hard for me, dealing with her family. Her grandparents are 85 and 86 year old Chinese people who have lived a life I can't imagine. I don't really expect them to understand our relationship. Her sister, who I still haven't met, has not liked me from day one. I kinda pissed her off in an instant message four years ago, and she's still a bitch. Her aunts and uncles are just typical (as far as I can tell) Chinese people who are all about hard work and family and not trusting strangers. I asked Nerdstar if they would be treating her sister's fiance the same way, and yes, they would. So, it's not personal really. It's just hard on me because my family isn't like that at all. If I were the one leaving they'd do everything they could to take care of Nerdstar.

Oh well. Family. What can you do about them?

We finally finished cleaning everything out of our old apartment. Yes, paying rent on two places is done! UGH. Saturday I just have to get my 69 Camaro towed over here and turn in the keys and remotes at the old place.

My Camaro hasn't been running for almost two years now, but I can't seem to bring myself to sell it. That's one of those decisions I'll have to make in the next few months.

I think the pets know something's up and are sad. The dog has taken to sleeping under the desk where the cats usually hide out.

Adjusting

My brain is still trying to adjust to the idea of her being gone for three months or more. She's up at her unit this morning doing paperwork and such. It's about to pour down rain here. I'm about to get off this computer and shower. The dog is freaking out over the lightening and thunder.

I haven't lived alone in four years, the first few days won't be so bad, but after that it won't be any fun. At least while she's at Ft. Lewis we can email and call.

Her family is about to drive her nuts. Because they just won't understand the nature of our relationship, her uncle and grandparents are ready to come up here and take all of her stuff, including her car and our dog, back to Houston. She's so frustrated with them. Then her aunt in New Jersey calls and says Nerdstar can send her our cat, Little Man, because her son likes him and wants a cat. Ummm HELLO - get a damn clue - you can't have MY pets.

She told them to stay home. We'll see. I'm sure there'll be another dozen phone calls today rehashing all the same old stuff.

Family - UGH!!!

Life is such a bitch

One week ago Nerdstar got orders to spend 16 days in Hawaii doing linguistic work in June. I was all set to meet her out there and spend five days on the beach.

Friday she found out she had a 50/50 chance of being sent as a supply clerk overseas.

So of course, since God hates us both, today she found out she's got orders for the next three months to go to Ft. Lewis (Tacoma, WA) and then if they still need her she'll go overseas to Afghanistan or Iraq or someplace like that.

I'm taking off the next couple of days to help her get everything ready. The upside is I get to use her car - which has a/c and XM. And, I get to spend all of her money while she's gone :-)

I'm going to miss my girl!!