Beth's Contradictory Brain

9000 Years

Ok, so it's only been 9 years - but we both swear it feels like 9000. Is that a good thing?

Today is our 9th anniversary and we're headed out to a nice dinner at Les Halles. We figure traffic and such shouldn't be too bad on a Wednesday night. We both kinda need new rings since our fingers have gotten fatter over the years. Maybe we'll finally pick something this weekend. I'm sentimental and hate to change mine. She still just wants a simple gold band. Maybe we'll look into sizing the ones we have.

So... 9 years. We still joke about and miss our days and nights in my little "ghetto" apartment back in Austin. The tough nights her cute butt hung over the edge of my little twin bed before she was so nice and bought me/us a full sized bed.

We've lived in four cities and I honestly couldn't tell you how many thousands of miles we've driven/traveled in these nine years.

She's made me into a food snob, which has also led to me being fat.

Everything is all her fault - and I think she's become ok with that :-)

It certainly hasn't been an easy nine years. But I do know life wouldn't be the same without my Nerdstar, Dorj, Snuggle Bunny, SnackMaster, Cutie Pie.

Happy Anniversary, Baby!!

Happy Birthday!!

To my Nerdstar!! It's kinda sucky having a birthday while dealing with death, but that's how life is sometimes.

Here's to more belly rubs, good food, fun trips, and NST this year!!

Happy Anniversary Baby!!

8 years. 8 very full years. I have no idea where I'd be, or what I'd be doing without my Nerdstar. Other than the snuggles, I'd say all of our travels have been the highlights of the past 8 years.

Here's to an even better 8 more years!! I love you - even if it's all your fault.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To my cutest Nerdstar!!! And happy anniversary to Ramen dog - we've had him five years now!

We had really beautiful weather today! We took the motorcycle out for a spin. Then we got some steaks and stuffed mushrooms and apple pie and I cooked my girl a decent dinner. Can't ask for too much more.

Nice

It's so very nice having a stay at home wife! It's a little strange to be the one getting up and going off to work while Nerdstar gets to stay home, it was just the oposite for so long. But I must say I'm kinda enjoying it, maybe even more than Nerdstar is! I think her favorite part is getting to go grocery shopping almost every day of the week.

So I just want to tell her I think she's a great wife doing a great job!

My girlfriend is so gay

From our morning IM:

i have a dream.....
where all men and women, gay or straight, bi or tri sexual
can get together, have beer and chicken wings over porn

and after that, i go to bed with the gf, on our flying bed

because we are islands in the stream, how can we be wrong

sail away with me, to another world

where we rely on each other, uh-huh

from one lover to another, uh-huh!

Underpaid

Nerdstar and I have a running joke (that's true but funny) that I'm her spare brain. Well, I'm usually her own personal entertainment, too. And as such, I'm highly underpaid.

When she finally decided she was serious about wanting to go to Japan, I told her that I wouldn't tell her she couldn't go, but that I'd rather she didn't. I really didn't want to spend three + months by myself here in the boring Midwest. I told her that the chances were good she wouldn't even enjoy being there enough to justify this additional time apart, after we've already had so much. She thought it would be a good job opportunity, and that the extra money she'd be earning would be worth it to help us move.

Well, I was more right than I wanted to be. And she didn't even write half of what's been bad about her two weeks there so far.

Easier

Other than the unknown end result of Nerdstar being gone for 105 days, I think it's going to be easier not having her around this time. Mostly, it'll be a lot less stressful because I don't have to worry 24/7 about her getting blown up. That alone will make a huge difference. But I can already tell, having her in Houston these few days, that having a job is also going to make her being gone a lot easier mentally and emotionally. Over time I'll even get the house clean and organized.

Maybe it'll be good to feel both productive and independent. We'll see.

Bleh

I've generally refrained from writing about problems between Nerdstar and I. There are lots of reasons why. Sometimes it just seems unfair to her to write about it, sometimes it seems like it would take too much explanation, sometimes I don't want to admit things aren't all rosey. You know, stuff like that.

We had our 8th anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Neither of us even bothered to blog about it. Because we dislike life here in the Midwest so much, it's hard to find places where we enjoy going out to celebrate things like birthdays and anniversaries.

But while life in the Midwest does seem to be sucking the life out of us, I'm not as convinced as Nerdstar that it explains most of our problems.

We've had tons of conversations about trust and secrets and such since her viasco with her roommie in Iraq. Unfortunately, the whole mess is still an issue.

For me, I find I often come back to the theme of is good good enough? Yes, we live together well, we have fun, travel, enjoy hanging out. But I often feel there's a deeper level we're missing.

I know there for a while I found myself feeling trapt, through doings all my own. After I quit my job in Austin while Nerdstar was in Iraq, I never would have guessed it would be so hard to find another one. So I ended up being home alone a lot, depending on Nerdstar's income. There were times I think I would have left her if I'd had the means. After we moved up here I finally got determined to become more self sufficient. I'm not there yet, but closer.

I'm 38 years old and life just isn't as long as it should be. It's not that I think there's someone else out there. Or even that I think life would be better without her. It's just a re-occuring theme of wishing this relationship was better than it is.

I'm not sure I'm saying much that makes sense, or even what I wanted to say. But since I don't have anyone around to talk things over with, I figure I might as well put it out here.

Hey Baby

I just want to say how wonderful my Nerdstar has been in my "going back to work" phase. I must admit I've been quite the wuss. I come home stressed about this and that, and aching all over from having to switch from sitting on my butt all day to standing on my feet. And I keep acting like I'm the only one working all day and can't possibly manage to actually clean the house or other such nonsense as well.

And for the record - she actually made banana bread last night that's better than mine. Yummy!!!

Huh?

I'm sure this won't seem funny to anyone but Nerdstar and I, but oh well. It's my blog...

Last night I was asking Nerdstar if she thought I'd make a better lawyer or therapist. (Don't ask.) She said lawyer and we talked about why.

Then I said, "Well, but the law is all about loopholes."

She said, "It's all about nipples??"

Me, "Yes, it's all about nipples!"

I won't bore you with the talk of nipples that then took place.

I can never imagine what kind of brain she has that comes up with things like that.

Impressed

You've got to go read Nerdstar's account of her first bike race.

I didn't actually see the crash, my view was obstructed by the slight hills. I just knew she came out from the area pushing the bike. I thought maybe the chain had come off or something and expected her to cut across the course area and call it a day. But she kept going, mostly pushing the bike. About ten minutes later she made it to the part of the course where I could clearly see her and the bike and saw that the handle bars were all askew. Yikes. That's when I knew she had crashed. Some guy finally helped her get the handle bars straight and she finishd her first lap. I think the other riders were on their third lap.

Again, thinking she'd at least finished one lap of the course, she'd call it a day. Nope. She half rode, half walked the course for a second lap and made it to the finish line.

I don't think I've ever been more proud. I would have probably cried AND quit after the crash.

I joked that she got more injured in the first five minutes of her first bike race than she did her entire year tour of Iraq. I also told her if she wanted to take up cross country running, there were races that didn't include running with a bike the whole way.

Not to mention, adding a bump to her already big head - well, that just seems redundant!

$$

Now that it appears my financial situation is changing, let’s see if I can manage to write about some things I’ve been reluctant to write about. It seems it’s easier to write about sex than money.

It’s been 22 months since I quit my last job. Ten months of that Nerdstar was in Iraq. A month or so on the road. Then the holidays. Then the move seven months after her arrival back in the states. Did I look for a job during any of that time. Yes. Vigorously? No. The time Nerdstar was in Iraq was harder on me than I thought it should have been, but that’s how it was. Then there was the uncertainty before the move.

Do I feel I have to make excuses for 22 months of being unemployed? Sometimes. I know Nerdstar’s sister and one of her friends from college feel I’m taking advantage of her. I feel I stood by her through some damn hard times.

But it’s been hard. For both of us I’m sure. (Nerdstar has her own blog if she cares to weigh in.)

We’ve also talked a couple of times about if things would be different if: 1. she was a man, 2. if we were married and/or 3. if we had kids. I think it would have, but how I can’t articulate.

We’re not into gender roles and all the associated issues. But I still end up feeling guilty for not holding up my end of this partnership financially. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t feel that way if I were straight.

Before she went to Iraq, when we both went through times of employment and unemployment, we split most things 50/50. The exception being food bills – my girl eats at least twice as much as I do. When she was being deployed, we consolidated everything to make it easy to pay all the bills, and “just in case.” I used up my savings and such paying “my” bills as long as I could.

Now, as I mentioned in the last post, I joke with Nerdstar about being her indentured servant. Like I’m somehow responsible to pay her back for the past 22 months. But will I really feel any less bothered by the whole thing a year from now? I guess I hope so.

Picking Anniversaries

In light of Weese's anniversary post, Suburban Lesbian was prompted to write about how gay couples choose an anniversary date - you know, since we don't really have wedding dates to go by.

Because it really was our first date, that ended up lasting the whole weekend, that kicked things off, we ended up going with that date for our anniversary. If gay marriage is ever fully legal in this country, I figure we'd do the official ceremony on the same date, to keep things simple. Fortunately, it's in late April, a nice time of year.

In the comments someone stated that straight couples who live together for several years before getting married have a hard time answering how long they've been together - from the dating date, moving in date, wedding day date. Most couples I know say something along the lines of we've been together X years and married X years.

Six Years

This weekend is our six year anniversary. Wow. I don't think either of us thought we'd make it this long. It's been a hard six years in a lot of ways, but we laugh a lot, and that makes things better.

We're in a new phase in our relationship and our lives, one I think is going to be a hell of a lot better than the previous ones.

I love you, Baby. You're my Nerdstar Snackwell. You're my heatmachine snuggle bunny. Thanks for hanging in there with me. I really would be lost without you.

Relationships

Well, she's finally done! We're going to hang out in Seattle again this evening wtih her friend from college. Then tomorrow we drive down I-5 to Sacramento to stay with a friend of ours there.

I've been thinking that it would be really cool if I could persuade all of my regular readers to participate in a discussion on relationships, I know most of you are either married or have been together for years.

During all of our months apart, Nerdstar and I both had lots of time to really think about our relationship, if it's the one we want to have, if we're fully committed to it, and how to make it better. For me it was sort of the idea that well, we're apart for a long period of time, if one of us isn't sure and wants out, this is a convenient time for it. Even after five years together, the answers weren't automatic. There were times I had what I think is close to pre-wedding jitters. The wow, is this really the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, am I certain there isn't someone better, and life sure is a long time.

Nerdstar says she knew from our first weekend together that I was the one for her. I took a little longer to be sure.

What I'd really love is a cross-blog discussion of making life committed relationships work. One thing Nerdstar and I totally lack is role models for this sort of thing.

You can email me your response if you don't have a blog and I can post it here. If you answer on your blog, let me know and I'll post all the links, and comments are always good. Who knows, maybe we'll start a "carnival of relationships".

The first topic I'm curious about is not so much how you knew your love was "the one", but the idea of pre-wedding jitters - or any panic you had when you realized you were committing yourself to them for the rest of your life. Was it easy or hard to make that committment, was it easier for one of you than the other, is it easy to keep that committment?

Don't make me list your names and ask your thoughts :-)

Love you like the plague

I got a phone call from Nerdstar early this morning. That was great! They've had a lot of problems with the servers, so we didn't get to have our afternoon chat yesterday. Things are moving along for her return home. I know that in a week our communication will be down to emails and whatever phone calls she can make.

As we were winding down the conversation I asked, "How much do you love me?" She said, "Bunches. Like the plagues in Egypt." Huh?? I cracked up. Then she added, "Like the nuclear bombs over Japan - powerful with lifelong affects." I just about lost it. I said, "Your love is like the plague?" "Yeah."

That's my girl.

Interracial Musings

This post is a bunch of thoughts that aren't necessarily well formed, but oh well.

One aspect of my life, and my relationship with Nerdstar, that I haven't written much, if anything really, about is being in an interracial relationship. It's just not something I spend a lot of time thinking about, although it is something I am aware of.

Growing up I dated all kinds of guys. From the valedictorian, the band president, the boy next door, too many blue collar guys, drug dealers, bad boys, church boys. The guy my parents wanted me to marry but really just should have adopted was Hispanic. My freshman year in high school I started it off by "going with" a black guy. You could say looks weren't important to me, or you could say I just wasn't picky. Both would be accurate. Maybe that, along with so many other things, was why I wasn't too surprised when I found myself attracted to another girl just before my senior year.

Anyway. I guess that's just to say I've never limited myself in my dating life based on looks or ethnicity. Because of my close relationship with Joe, the Hispanic guy, and then my brief relationship with a black guy early in my dating life, I knew the inherent problems of interracial relationships, but that's where being naive was really helpful. None of it sank in.

My relationship with Nerdstar is the longest and most serious I've ever been in. I couldn't have known less about Chinese, Taiwanese, or Asian cultures before we met. (She's Chinese, grew up in Taiwan until she was ten and then grew up in Jersey.) It's been fascinating learning about her life, and really, even more so about her grandparents' lives. I have written about how difficult things got and probably will be in the future for her and her family regarding her relationship with me. For this post that is neither here nor there.

What brings all this up, of course, is watching the Olympics. I pay a lot more attention to the teams from China and other Asian countries. The other day the US women's indoor volleyball team was playing China and it was weird (yet way cool) to see a woman on the Chinese team who looks a little like my Nerdstar. It made me totally aware of how few Asian faces there ever are on my tv or movie screen. Being with Nerdstar has literally broadened by perspectives, and it's pretty cool.

Maybe it would seem like a bigger deal if we lived somewhere other than Austin. But it's a very live and let live kind of city where I don't think we ever even get a second glance. I know on our first road trip when we were driving thru the South I told her we should be careful, we'd definitely stand out there. But even that was thankfully uneventful.

We always joke that Nerdstar is a bad Asian because she's bad at math and not driven to rule the world. Although, she tells me on a regular basis that the Chinese will take over the world just by population and immigration soon.

When we have kids, hopefully soon, all of this will become even more interesting. But as this post is long enough, I'll write about that another time.

Huh?

One of these days I'll find an easy way to record and post a conversation between Nerdstar and I. It would be so revealing. In the meantime, this is a recreation of part of our dinner conversation last night:

me: going on about Anne Rice's new book

her: Speaking of reading, well, this has nothing to do with that, but...

me: huh?

Lucky

At my core I’m a stay home, snuggle, watch movies, snuggle, read, snuggle, take a drive, kinda girl. It was always my goal to find someone and settle down. I never liked going out, meeting people, trying to impress, be impressed. Not enjoying smoking and drinking makes it all harder.

I started “going with” boys in middle school, and never spent more than two weeks without a boyfriend until I met my girlfriend. I’m sure I’ve written before that after she and I finally split up, I didn’t date anyone for at least seven years. There were a couple of one night stands in there somewhere, man did those suck.

Then I discovered the internet and chat rooms. Can you say addict? Yes, I can. I had an 8 to 5 job. I’d come home from work, login, make a quick dinner while chatting, and chat almost all night. A couple of times I was still chatting when my alarm went off to get up and go to work. Can you say sleep deprived? Yes, I can.

I’d spent the seven or so years prior to this having only Christian friends. They were fantastic friends while it lasted. I’d also spent that time very determined to not be gay. It was with fear and trembling I went into my first lesbian chat room. It was also exciting as could be to meet all these smart women and get to know them by their words and wit.

That’s how I met my Nerdstar. (The hookup story is over there – Nerdstar and I.)

(Now to get to what I originally intended to write in this post.)

I can’t say that I ever really, truly expected to find someone to be a homebody with, who would stay with me, put up with me, love me. And honestly, I certainly wouldn’t have thought that Nerdstar was the one when we first got together.

I don’t know how apparent it is on this blog, but I’m a little on the crazy side. I can’t begin to imagine how hard I am to live with. Hell, I get sick of me sometimes. And I don’t think Nerdstar could be any more different from me if she were an alien from a different dimension when it comes to things like emotions and communication and such.

Yet, the best part of yesterday was just talking with her all day. She’s not great at feedback, but she’s the best at not making me feel crazy. There’s nothing like being loved unconditionally. I know I don’t appreciate the full extent of how much she loves me. But I’m learning. I’m also learning that there’s something wrong with me emotionally. I have no idea whatsoever how or when those things will improve. But it’s amazing to know I have someone in my life who’s not looking to leave.

Sometimes it’s scary being 35, being in a relationship for over four years, and thinking, wow, this is it, barring really, really bad things happening in my life, I won’t go thru that whole process of meeting someone new and falling in love and all that “exciting” stuff. I know men talk more about things like that, but I’m sure women feel that way, too.

I’m rambling, but my point is, I’m damn lucky to have my Nerdstar.

Driving Around

Nerdstar had the day off yesterday so we decided to take a drive up to Mt. Rainier. We weren’t able to drive to the top because the road was washed out, but the drive we did get to make was just beautiful. It was a mostly sunny day, the leaves are changing into their fall garb, so driving thru the forest with the sun coming thru the trees was fantastic.

For most of my life I’ve longed to spend some major time in a small cabin by a stream in the mountains, or at least a forest, somewhere. One of my favorite books is The River Why by David James Duncan. Other than having one of the best ever boy meets girl scenes, the main character arranges to live his ideal schedule – composed of fishing about 21 hours a day. It’s all set in this part of the country and it just draws me in.

Nerdstar and I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time driving around this country together. Fortunately, it’s something we both enjoy. It’s such a beautiful country. I’m always so curious about people who choose to live in the different parts of it, what they do for a living, why did they decide to live there in particular. Especially yesterday driving thru the forest and seeing the log cabins. I was so tempted to find someone to talk to about being able to live here.

At the very least, every time we take drives like this one, I’m tempted to find the nearest RV store and just load up the pets and hit the road, finding temp work in whatever city we end up in until we’re ready to move on. But, for now, we just can’t do that.

Family Hell

It's almost 2 a.m. and I'm writing this from Austin. Nope, things didn't go as planned the past couple of days. I tried to get Nerdstar to go to Vegas for a couple of days instead...

About 7 p.m. her uncle pretty much told her I had to leave right then. I tried to get her to just come with me, but she wanted to stay and fight it out with him some more and talk with her grandparents. My girl doesn't cry very easily or very often (unless My Dog Skip is on) but this whole ordeal had her in tears. Worse than that, it made her sick to her stomach and she didn't eat.

Fortunately for me the traffic wasn't too bad and the Cubs/Marlins game on the radio kept me entertained.

She called right as I walked in the door. Apparently, for reasons that neither of us can begin to imagine, her uncle has decided that in spite of over four years of a pretty damn good relationship, it's suddenly become completely unacceptable to her family. Uh, huh?

I'm not too upset at all of this. It's not like I was close to her family or they were ever really nice to me or accepting of me. But Nerdstar is really upset. I told her I don't see how this really changes much - her and her sister and still close (well, close as they've ever been), she can still talk to her grandparents anytime and go visit them when possible, she just won't deal with her uncle and his family anymore. That's not a big loss.

But the point that's hardest to let sink in is that they're not rejecting just me - as they seem to think they are - they're rejecting her. They just can't get it into their heads that this is a real, committed, loving relationship.

Ugh. I think I'm too tired and this is still too surreal to really talk about coherently.

Gay interracial relationship hell

I’ve always been color blind when it comes to the people I date. When I was dating boys in high school, it was a pretty diverse bunch. Black, white, Hispanic, Indian, valedictorian, blue collar, boy next door (literally), band president. Just about the only thing those boys had in common was me. Then my senior year that diversity started to include women. As I get older, I find more and more diverse types of women beautiful.

But my parents also always told me that you don’t marry just one person, you marry their entire family – sometimes unfortunately so.

One of the top three or four issues Nerdstar and I have dealt with from day one is her family. Until I came along, her grandparents were the most important thing in her life. She wants very much to be a good granddaughter and take good care of them.

I’ve mentioned that her grandparents don’t speak English, and I certainly don’t speak Chinese. (I can’t even pronounce the sounds much less learn the words.) Needless to say there’s not a lot of communication between us. The rest of her family speaks English pretty well.

But it’s not really the fact that I’m white and don’t speak Chinese that causes so many problems, it’s the fact that I’m not a man.

Even after over four years together her family pretty much refuses to acknowledge and accept the nature of our relationship. Her grandmother frets all the time about who’s going to take care of Nerdstar when she’s old, how is she ever going to have kids, etc. And I can understand that. I wouldn’t expect my grandparents to really get it if they were that old either. Although, my remaining grandmother seems to really like Nerdstar.

Now that I’ve finally met her sister, things are much improved on that front. It was really hard for her sister to become comfortable with our relationship.

But this weekend things have gotten completely out of control with Nerdstar’s uncle. He’s being all pissy that Ramen and I are here in Houston with Nerdstar before she has to fly back to Ft. Lewis on Sunday. He told Nerdstar Thursday night that she is free to go back to Austin with Ramen and I and then just come down before she has to fly out, or Ramen and I can just leave. It’s not even his house – it’s her grandparents’ house, and they don’t mind that I’m here.

It’s a complete lack of respect not only for me and my relationship with Nerdstar, but also for Nerdstar herself. Even her sister agrees with that. It totally pissed me off and hurt my feelings. I care a lot about her grandparents.

Poor Nerdstar has pretty much always felt like she’s being pulled between her family and me. I’ve learned it’s usually not a battle I’m going to win and had gotten to where I’d just let her come down here for a weekend every so often without me to spend time with them. But now that she’s only on leave for a short amount of time, she’s having to make the most of that time.

She’s supposed to talk with her uncle again tonight and take a stand and tell him to basically shove it up his ass. I’ve also told her this is as much her fault as his for not making it clear years ago that I’m here to stay.

I guess seeing her family with her sister’s new husband also showed the discrepancies. The only difference between him and I is that he’s a man. He’s not Chinese and doesn’t speak the language.

We’ll see how it all pans out over the next couple of days. I offered to go ahead and go back to Austin today or tomorrow, but Nerdstar said no.

Evil Girlfriend Part 928

Yes, it's sad, but true. I have an evil girlfriend. The last thing we said Wednesday night was that she'd call when she got up on Thursday, then she'd go get her new glasses and then head for Austin. Yeah, right. She totally assured me she'd be home by the time I got off from work, and that she'd come by work and get the key. Uh, sure.

I spent all day looking forward to her and Ramen walking thru my office door. Did that ever happen? NO

Then I came home thinking there would at least be a message on the answering maching saying she'd gotten a late start but was on her way. NOPE.

She didn't have a cell phone to call from the road because she'd given it to me for my drive last weekend. That's why it was important that she call before leaving. Sigh.

She finally walked thru the door about ten after 7 - over two hours later than the latest possible time she was to be here.

Nothing new. It's like this every time. That's why she's the evil wench!

The upside is she's going to clean the entire house for me!! It doesn't pay to be evil to me :-) As I sit here surfing all my favorite sites - she's scrubbing the kitchen counters, cleaning the oven, going to mop the floors, then it's on to the bathroom - hehehehe. (She reads this and groans!)

Grandparents

For the second night in a row, it's midnight and I'm awake. I keep thinking eventually I'll get really tired and won't have trouble falling asleep. Maybe, but tonight isn't that night.

I'm not crying right now, I think I'm too tired for it. My poor Nerdstar got word a couple of weeks ago that her grandmother has inoperable stomach cancer. They also found a lump somewhere on her grandfather and tests were/are going to be run for him. She wasn't really too worried until the last couple of days. But it's looking like it could be months to live for both of her grandparents instead of years.

There is nothing more important to Nerdstar in this world than her grandparents. They helped raise her and she's always been close to them and has always wanted to take care of them. So these illnesses couldn't come at a worse time - with her being on active duty. She's going to try talking with her commander and see if there's any way she can come home and take care of them.

I'm so sad for her. We've talked a lot about her grandparents and them dying in the past four years. And I've dreaded nothing more than this. I've always thought that they'd die within a short time of each other. They've been married for 70 years. They're both over 85 years old. Yet, it's absolutely no comfort - or at least very little - that they've lived long, full lives. I'm amazed they have lived such long lives. They were born in China in 1913 and 1916 (I think). They escaped China to Tawain and eventually her family immigrated to America over the past twenty years or so.

I'm also sad because I'll miss them. They don't speak English, and don't always know what to make of my relationship with Nerdstar, and certainly don't understand the way I eat, but I think they are the cutest little old couple.

It's funny. I always think my emotions are very evident in my face. So I was kinda thrown on Monday, when I was pretty sad for all kinds of reasons, to have one of my coworkers say that I must have had a good weekend with Nerdstar because I looked happier this Monday that most others. Uh, nope, but thanks for playing.

Anyway. We can only wait and see what the next few weeks bring.

Life is a bitch, but death is a cruel bastard!

Rebuttal

READ Beth's entry below first!

Hello, this is Nerdstar, aka "Evil Wench", let me just give you my version of the story. Yes, I was late but I had forgotten that Beth did not have the key to the house. I had some pay problems that I needed to take care of at the reserve unit, and it was really important that I touch base with the people who could take care of my problems. I am so terribly sorry that I made Beth wait in the heat!!!!
Dear God, forgive me!!!!
At least my intention is and was never evil!!!

My Evil Girlfriend

Nerdstar made it home safe and sound yesterday afternoon, on time even. She was nice enough to do my laundry while I finished up the work day. (The evil part comes later!) Last night we had dinner at Kirby Lane, a decent restaurant, but not fantastic. She likes the hummus and grape leaves and that sort of thing. I had forgotten why I call her my heat machine, I've never known anyone who put out so much body heat!! In Texas in the summer, that's not a good thing.

Today I was tempted to kill her. I worked a half day today, she had an appointment with a Chinese herbal doctor about her weird skin conditions. The appointment was at 9:30, she had plenty of time to be home by 12:30 so we could go to lunch and be at our hair appointments by 2:30. I snuck out of work early, came home, no Nerdstar. Ok fine, she had fifteen minutes before she was actually late.

Problem one, she has the only house key and it's 100 degrees outside while I'm waiting for her.

Problem two, I don't have access to a phone to call her and find out where the hell she is. She has a terrible habit of wandering off and showing up at least an hour after she's supposed to. It's gotten her in lots of trouble before, it got her in trouble again today. (Here she would inject that she's always in trouble.)

About 1:15 I decide it's possible she's dead somewhere due to a car wreck and I guess I should find a payphone and try to get a hold of her. (She's notorious for not answering her cell phone.)

It's now an hour after she's supposed to be home and I get her on the phone. She was up at the local military post working on some paperwork.

That's nice and fine - except that it's 100 fucking degrees and I'm starving!!! Not to mention I'm livid! I don't have a short fuse, I just have one that's very hard to extinguish once it's lit.

I grab a quick lunch and she finally makes it to the haircut place. We both got really cute, short haircuts. Except with my curls I just end up looking like a twelve year old.

We went to see American Wedding, it was ok. Then we had dinner at Pappadeux.

I've told her she's lucky to get dinner at all - and she'll be even luckier if I don't make her sleep on the sofa. Those are the two worst punishments I can inflict - no food, no snuggles.

Evil Wench is her nickname second only to Nerdstar.

For my Girl

Man, I didn't end up getting to sleep until almost 4 am. So, about 3 am I left my boss a voicemail saying I wouldn't be in today. I slept until about noon and have spent the day straightening up things around the house, watching tv, buying new sheets, you know, those kinds of things. Much better than being at work!

My only comment on this whole Arnold for governor thing - all of the newscasters are having way too much fun imitating his accent!!

Nerdstar thinks that my praise of her was a little too short. So...

Nerdstar is so wonderful. She has the most handsomest of feet. Her dedication to me is rivaled only by her love of the pets and her love for food. She has talents I can't specify on a family friendly website - but trust me, talented is a mild word for my girl. Nerdstar is a snuggle bunny extraordinare! I am so thankful that her "five more minutes" has lasted over four years. Simply put, my life would suck more than bearable if I didn't have my Nerdstar in it!

Sleep

Yawn. Well, I left work at 11 this morning and came home and slept all day - it was very nice! It's tempting to just call in sick again tomorrow. But, I'm sure after more sleep tonight I can make it thru work tomorrow. Two more days and then it's the weekend. I can make it two more days.

I mailed in my application for substitute teaching yesterday - hopefully they'll contact me about orientation this week or next. I think it would help my brain a lot to know I've got an alternative to the job I have now. It might give me the courage to go talk to our office manager about everything. I'm such a complete wuss!!

I don't think I've mentioned lately just how wonderful Nerdstar is. Sometimes it's hard for me because she's not very emotional or always good with expressing how she feels. But I know she loves me very, very much and would do anything for me. More than that though, she puts up with me! Trust me, you have no idea how hard that is! She's not good at helping me make decisions, but she supports me in whatever I want to do - even if it's be a complete lazy bum and quit work and live on her paycheck :-) And as much as I know her being gone is hard on me, it's at least as hard on her - probably harder. She has to be with people she doesn't always like very much 24/7. She has to sleep on a cot with a sleeping bag in very old barracks with no a/c. She knows that the worst is still to come.

Yes, I know this situation isn't permanent, but man it sucks in the meantime.

Home

Traveling is such a mixed bag. I like flying because it makes me feel all grown up. Even better, you can be across the country in a relatively short amount of time. Well, if everything goes according to plan it's a short amount of time! Yesterday, however, it was over 12 hours. Four of which were spent sitting in the Phoenix airport. I got lucky though, I was really hoping that at least one of my flights would be overbooked and I could volunteer to take a later flight and get a travel voucher. Sure enough. Luckily, I got to take a non-stop flight from Phoenix to Austin instead of going thru El Paso, and only got home an hour later. Now, that didn't get me in bed until after midnight, but that extra hour also got me $344 on Southwest Airlines. Very nice.

But that much time in airports and planes just meant way too much time in very close proximity to the general public. And most people are just dull and dim. You knew that already, though, didn't you?

My time in Seattle, Tacoma, Ft. Lewis, etc. was really, really nice and relaxing! It was great to spend carefree time with my girl. Saturday we just hung out, went to the bookstore, drove around the base. We ended up in Gig Harbour for the evening. We looked at all the boats moored there and had a really nice dinner at Spiro's pizza and pasta place.

We talked a lot about "the future." We still don't have any info on how long she's at Ft. Lewis, where she goes next, or when she'll be back home. So much depends not really on how long she's gone, but on if any of this leads to her getting a job as a linguist for the military either active duty or as a civilian doing contract work. The biggest problem with her being active duty is us not being able to live together easily. But if it does lead to a job, then that's what our future plans will be based on. Which will make it all a lot easier! On the other hand, if in six months or a year she's home with no job leads, we're free to do whatever we want.

What's hard is knowing what to base that decision on, especially in this job market. Do we take our chances and move to the Northwest with several thousand in the bank but no job lined up? Do we stay here in Austin where we'd probably have better luck buying a house because of my job here? Do we throw caution to the wind, buy an RV and tour around the country for six months, a year?

I'm not really tied into the whole idea of buying a house, and therefore being locked into having to have a job that pays X amount of money just to have that house. Maybe if I'd ever been able to settle on a career it would be different. But it just doesn't look like I want to be a career woman. Law school has been very tempting for the money and such it could provide down the road. But I think the price in the meantime is too high. I don't feel like giving up the next five to ten years busting my ass for the chance at more security later. I'd rather live in a small little house and have my time as my own.

Nerdstar wants a career more than I do. I'd love to see her as a linguist. I think we'd both rather be poor nomads than be in some soul sucking 9-5 for long.

Who knows what the future holds. These days I'm learning to relax, lighten up, take it all in stride.

Awww

My girl can be so sweet!! She knows how much I live for chocolate. So, she sent me some cookies and a gourmet brownie mix from Biringer Farms. I guess she ran across their store in Seattle and had them ship them. :-)

Late Night Convo

One thing that would give the most insight into my brain and my relationship with Nerdstar would be if I could post just one audio file of a conversation we have just before falling asleep. But that would mean finding a way to record those conversations and then being tech savy enough to post an it on this site. (Which means it'll never happen.)

Last night I was all ranting about Buffy and how I think the end of this season is going to piss me off. I think they might be intending to set up a spinoff instead of coming up with a way to end this series in a fanstastic way. And if that spinoff in any way highlights Dawn I'm going to be seriously pissed. Not only should that character never have existed - did Buffy really need a little sister? I think NOT - but that character should have beed dead several times over!! I hate Dawn! I don't think any other character on any other show has annoyed me just by their mere presence the way this one has!

Then I went on about how it was interesting that the two shows I watched last night, Buffy and 24, both threw out their fearless leaders. Weird.

Which, of course, led to a rant about Hillary Clinton and how much I hate her and think she is Satan incarnate and how I just might not be able to stand SIX more years of her being around. I mean, it's not like she's got the balls to run in 2004 against Bush. So we'll have to wait until 2008 for her to get her ass kicked - hopefully by Condi Rice. And since I still had Buffy on my mind, I could only picture a bleak future where Hillary actually wins the presidency and how it would end up looking like any of the horrible apocalypse that never quite happens on Buffy. Imagine just after the swearing in Hillary revealing her true form - with horns and hoofs and such, and the sky turning dark and all the usual evil takes over the world fanfare. I'd put my money on that scenario.

What does Nerdstar have to say in these conversations you might be thinking - unless it's remarks about food, she's usually just laughing at me.

Happy Anniversary Baby!

It's been four years. Wow. And what a crazy four years it's been. We've lived in three places. I'm on my fouth job, and you, well, we've lost count! You're on your third car, I got a motorcycle. We started off with just my Silly cat, now we have Little Man and Ramen - just a small part of your third world special dream!

Thru it all I'm so glad I've had you around. You make me laugh. And you take care of me so much more than I deserve. I don't know what I'd do without my Nerdstar Snuggle Bunny. I love and appreciate you more than you know.

Upate: Awwwww.... I just got the most beautiful set of tulips and a little box of Godiva chocolates delivered to my office. My co-workers are so jealous :-)

Girlfriend School

If there is no such thing as girlfriend school - there definitely should be!

I've said before that the fact that Nerdstar never dated anyone until she met me (at age 27) has some great advantages to it. But there are also some notable disadvantages. She never really learned all the details that make up romantic life, you know, like saying "I love you", hand holding, little love notes left to find.

We joke all the time that she's really just a twelve year old boy, unfortunately that means she has a twelve year old boy sense of romance, communication, and foreplay.

So we've decided that she needs to go to girlfriend school for a week or month or so. :-)

Because while you'd think that having a girlfriend for almost four years would be schooling enough, I seemed to have failed her.

You might not know

Something you might not know from reading along is that I cuss like a sailor way too often. For some reason I try not to here in my blog. Maybe I think it seems impolite to cuss here.

Something else is that I can be quite a demanding bitch with Nerdstar. I try not to be, but I just can't help it. Especially when I'm tired and cranky from moving, and stressing over the paying two rents, and trying to make plans for getting everything done and for the holidays, and she just isn't always very helpful or very good at even communicating schedules and possibilities and wishes and anything else. Sigh.

Oh well, at least I'm good at apologizing and explaining why I'm such a bitch and trying to work out solutions.